I Never Wanted to see that Again

​I’m struggling…and I’m struggling big time.  Yeah, with my weight, but while I am trying it’s not my focus right now.  My focus right now is putting one foot in front of the other and making it through each day.

Back in early August I started to feel ‘off’.  I found myself crying…a lot.  I felt overwhelmed with everything.  I was struggling.   It was really bad for a few weeks.  I remember mowing one day and just crying…. and there wasn’t any one reason to cry.  Nothing was that horrible. I tried to convince myself that I was just tired….as I get quite weepy when I’m tired.

I have had a few times in life where I have had bouts with being depressed.  Once in college, once while teaching and periodically during the demise of my first marriage.  It was all situational and each time I knew that if I removed myself from the situation that I would be fine.   So I knew what I was feeling.  I was also concerned because there was no real situation to remove myself from. My marriage is good.  We have a property that we are enjoying bringing back to life.  Sure, I was worried about mom…and in august I was worried about my job security.  But not enough to sink into that awe full feeling of depression.   Yet there I was anyway. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, a bout of depression had made its way back into my life.

The months passed and I continued to struggle.  Holding it together, barely.   And then this week it got bad again.  It got bad enough that I had an attack such that I had when I was teaching.  Where my throat closes up…and I literally can’t breath.   This sent me to the hospital a few times way back when because, well it’s not a good feeling to not be able to get a breath of air.   Jason was there this morning when it happened  and he was terrified. He told me later that he was on the verge of calling 911.  I recognized it for what it was and worked hard to get myself calm…because even though it was 22 years ago since the last time, I well remember how they feel and how I got through them.    In the midst of trying to calm myself I heard Keewee, the bird starting to get stressed out in reaction to me.  (I asked Jason about that later and he was like, “ oh yeah, as soon as you started to struggle to breathe that bird got freaked out’). 

This bout of depression and whatever kind of attack you want to call my breathing issue,  is bothersome.  Life is good.  Yeah, I have a gimp husband at the moment due to his run in with an axe.  Sure finances will be tighter without his income while her recoups. (Which is why we bought a house that while in good shape that  needed some TLC, as it kept our price down…and thus as close as possible to being able to live on one paycheck.) But that’s normal life stuff.   

I have been battling a rash off and on since mid august.  It was bad for about 3-4 weeks…and then I had a week of bliss with no rash…and it came back with a vengeance.  Another month of misery (medication from urgent care did nothing).  I had about a week of bliss and voila…it’s back.  Luckily not as bad, and no where near as widespread as it was the other two rounds.  But just enough to be bothersome. 

Jason’s food is doing well.   The wound itself   Is healing, but slowly.  The doctor has left in the stitches as the wound is actually still bleeding and seeping.  (He only had the bare minimum of stitches to hold the wound together as they said they wanted it to heal from the inside out…and to allow it to drain to try to prevent infection.  So his stitches will remain for almost a month (if they take them out at the next appointment.). We still are on the conservative path in which we are giving his body a chance to heal before we rush into surgery.  So far so good.  When the doctor called us about the test results he was on the fence about surgery or not.  At our appointment this week he was happy with the progress of Jason’s issues /wounds and flat out recommended the conservative approach.  So that’s a good sign.  We shall see what happens with the next appointment which is in a few weeks.  

Jason’s dad has been fantastic.  We started working on that shed on our vacation and had been sneaking a few hours of work in on it on the weekends (literally we were doing about 3-4 hours each weekend…so it was going slow).  Since Jason’s injury, his parents have been coming over every few days and putting in a few hours on the shed to help us get it under cover and closed in before winter.  It also gets Jason out of the house as his parents pick him up on their vehicle and drive him to the shed…and he hangs out on a chair with his foot propped while they work.   (I struggle to keep him off his foot…but Mamma  Staggs keeps an eye on him when he is down there….although I’m not sure she has better results either!).  

My weight.  ~sigh~.   I’m trying.  I really am. I’m failing…yes I am.  And of course, the failure at losing weight adds to my emotions.   Jason’s words today were ‘put the weight on the back burner for now until you are feeling better.’  But that is giving up….and as I said in my last post, I may not have control of a lot but I do have control over what I eat.   So I will keep pushing forward and at least trying…even if I occasionally struggle and give in to the stress eating, the comfort eating, the whatever eating.    My only consolation is that my weight has stayed within a 3-5 pound range.  So I’m not gaining!   But I’ll admit to being stressed every time I step on the scale, worried about what I will see.

So I’m here.  I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m here. 

A Year for the Record Books

​I’m telling you, this year is the year that is just not letting up!  It’s been one thing after the other!  Some good others bad!  It’s been nuts!

The first part of the year was swallowed up whole as we hunted for and bought a house. 

We settled on our house and then commenced the never ending move that stretched almost two complete months. We finished the move, drove back to the apartment (an hour and fifteen minutes away from our house) grabbed the last and turned in our key…and smiled because life would slow down then!  And quite literally my mom had a stroke the next day.    The madness of life continued as I tried to continue taking care of the house, the yard, put in my  time at work and make trips to see mom.  (I’m about 35 minutes away so any visit starts with an hour of travel time.  

Summer flew by like crazy as I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.   I literally fell into the habit of cleaning the house at 6am…why?  Because that is when I could carve out a few minutes to do it.  I can clean the toilets and the bathroom sinks on my 15 minute breaks from work….which is what I do. I prep foods for dinner during my lunch break so that I can clear up an evening to go see mom after work.   I literally run around trying to make the most of every minute.  (Jason works a 9-1 hour day and has a 1 hour commute each way…..so his time is just as limited.).  I kept my head above the water…even though it felt like it was just barely.  

My weight maintained but only because I remained so busy.

I started Weight Watchers at the beginning of September and and had some success as I lost almost 10 pounds in that first month.  I was tickled too because I was super stressed due to some fear about the longevity of my job.  The end of August and most of September also marked a nice vicious case of poison.  All over my arms, legs and torso.  I pushed through with over the counter medication, but did not have a fun 3-4 weeks.  Things started to turn at the end of September.  The poison cleared up for the last week of the month.  Even better, at the very end of September I found out that my job was secure.  The timing for both of those things was perfect as  we had the first week off for vacation and to celebrate our anniversary. 

Our vacation was a staycation.  We decided to do a few little things local but to stay at home and work on the shed.   The shed on our property needed some love.  The leanto portion on the back was ready to cave in.  So we spent the week clearing the brush around the shed,  tearing that down (the leanto is 20x10), burning everything in the fire pit (one piece at a time) and starting the rebuild process.   I actually managed to maintain my weight over our vacation week. That is all thanks to being so active because I was ravenous the whole time!   

 On the third day of our vacation, I woke up and felt some itchiness…yes, I had managed to attract poison AGAIN.  (This was actually before we cleared the brush…so go figure).   The poison kept getting worse.  So bad that I ended up in the Urgent Care on the first day back to work after vacation.  They gave me steroids and sent me on my way.   

Steroids…well you know what that did to my weight!   Seeing it pop up did something to my mental capacity and will power and I began to struggle with tracking my food.    Oh, and the worst part of it?  The steroids did NOTHING for the poison and rashes!  Oh my word, the poison was so horrible!  What I thought was a bad case in September was nothing compared to this!  My complete torso was covered…my legs..arms, neck and even patches on my face.  My torso and thighs were the worst and I maintained this fire engine red color for weeks.  It wasn’t just itchy…it was painful.  Horrible!   Finally about the third to fourth week of October the bright red and terrible pain and itch had passed leavening me with dry scales skin.   I am still dealing with that and with bouts of itchiness.   What a month!

At the end of October they started to talk about sending mom home from Rehab.  She is super excited.  My brother and I not as much.  She is NOT ready to live on her own and we know it.  Ratchet up the stress another notch.

And then on October 27th, I went to visit mom after work.  I drove home and got home after dark.   I pulled in and saw Jason at the chopping block splitting down some firewood.  All was completely normal as I got out of the car.  I turned to head into the house and Jason had already gone inside.  I walked into the kitchen and noticed Jason bent over, but I was rushing to get dinner on the stove and in the oven since it was so late.  I greeted Jason and his words weee ‘I just cut myself’.  I asked if it was bad, still not shifting my focus from the stove and my dinner plans.    ‘Yes, really bad, I need to go to an urgent care’. I turned, shocked because he avoids doctors at all costs! That is when actually took stock of my kitchen…aka the crime scene.  Yeah, the axe slipped…went through his shoe…through his sock and right into his foot.  I grabbed a clean towel for him (he was using his sock to try to staunch the blood) and we headed out to urgent care.   Just as a side note…if you arrive with a foot wrapped in a blood soaked towel, they hustle you right back to a room.  The doctor wakes in soon thereafter and took one look at his foot and said ‘yeah, you most likely severed a tendon’ and sent us to the ER.  (They wrapped the foot …so that he was not leaking blood everywhere…which was nice of them, but slowed down our care in the ER as he was at that point not a bleeding priority).   X-rays and a phone consult with a podiatrist as they were also not sure of the status of his tendons.  We got home super late and I scrubbed the kitchen floor at 2AM and then went to bed.  I was up at 4:30 and out the door early for some other things concerning mom’s discharge…but made it back home in time to take Jason to his appointment with the specialist.  The specialist ordered an MRI because the tendon damage possibility could still not be determined.  Well on Monday we had the MRI and got the results.  He severed one tendon and nicked a second tendon.  Surgery or no surgery.  It’s possible they will heal on their own.  But possible that he needs surgery.  It’s up in the air and I believe we are going to try the least invasive, no surgery option.   At the worst, he will need surgery eventually.  At the best…it heals on its own.    So he is supposed to be no. Weight bearing for the next couple weeks…then a restrictive boot for a few more weeks.     Yes, I’m stressed to the max!

Ohhh and he can’t work…his employer is a small business with only a handful of employees…there is no short term disability.  We are now (and for the unforseeable future) a one paycheck family.    I’m trying to remain calm.  But it’s difficult.

So life is crazy.  So very crazy.  My eating has been steady…but not great.    My emotions are in an uproar as I feel like I am failing at everything I do.  Trying to do it all and falling short at everything.   Last night I sat on the couch trying to occupy my mind and I had a thought.  It was a thought that I had held onto tightly during the end of my marriage.   And that thought and mantra was ‘I can not control much of what is happening in my life and surroundings.  But I CAN control what food I put into my mouth’.  (For the most part…at 1AM leaving the ER having not eating in 14 hours…there wasn’t many options for where to pick up dinner…but I still had control over what I ordered.).    

  So if my food is the only thing I can control….control it!!!    This, this morning I pulled out my WW app and I have entered my food into the tracker.  I’m going to revel in the control I can have!!!

Revealing a Wee little Secret

​When I wrote my last post, I talked about my colossal failure at the diet bet.  I talked a bit about the desire to lose weight but the struggle.  I didn’t talk about the good in my life. I also didn’t reveal a wee little secret.  Sufficient time as passed and it’s time to reveal.

So what has been happening in life?  Life has been flying at an insane pace for us for months on end. Searching for a house, buying a house, moving and settling in, mom’s stroke, mowing….mowing some more…and then mowing some more.  (Yes we are still push mowing….I still haven’t heard anything about my job and this we haven’t purchased a riding mower yet.   The end date for my team was supposed to be September 26th, but they pushed the date until October 14th.  So more waiting as they decide if they are going to move me to another team or lay me off. All my coworkers and even my manager have told me that my job should be safe due to my work ethics, productivity, etc…but still…that’s all speculation.) 

In late August I put my foot down and decided that we needed to start eking out a bit of time for us.  A bit of exploration.  A bit of entertainment.  A bit of something fun.   So in August, on Jason’s birthday weekend we took a day and went northwest to Old Bedford Village.  This is a living history village. History is always a win!

A week or two later we visited the Conococheague Insitute.  This is hands on, living history museum. Another history win!  And seriously, how many of us can say that they have literally stomped grapes?   I can..now!

We have also been getting out more and doing some geocaching.  That takes us to parks, historical locations and all around.  

Getting out and doing something fun and relaxing has really helped that ‘depression’ that I have been dealing with.

So I’m my last post I talked about how I had a colossal failure.  I was referring to my failed attempt to do a diet bet.  I had been talking to some coworkers and the need/desire to lose weight came up in the conversation.  One coworker talked about a diet bet and I jumped on the bandwagon.  Another coworker and I talked about the requirement of our insurance to either go through weight loss coaching or join weight watchers in order to get a lower price for health insurance due to our ‘undesirable weight’. I had mentioned to her that weight watchers had worked for me in the past and I may try it again.  In reality, weight watchers had worked really well the first time I tried it, with me reaching my goals and lifetime status.   I also had joined weight watchers right before covid shut the world down and I had been lstarting to see some success.  But when things went belly up I stopped the weight watchers.  I told this all to my coworker and then nothing else was said about it.  That is, nothing was said until the last day of August when she thanked me for that conversation.   She had been inspired to join weight watchers after that conversation 6 weeks earlier and she had lost 17 pounds already.  I was so happy for her.  Yet saddened for myself.  She had acted upon the conversation.  I had not (or rather I went with some untried method instead of going toward what had previously worked for me).   She had lost 17 pounds and I was sitting at the exact same weight.  (And our starting weights were almost exactly the same).  I was sad and frustrated with myself. But I didn’t dwell.  I joined weight watchers on my very next break from work.    I started immediately even though the weekend was dawning and weekends are difficult for me.  I started immediately even though I knew it would be extra difficult due to the upcoming long Labor Day weekend.  I started on the first of September.  I decided to do it secretly and tell no one (other than that one coworker). Thus, in my last post on here;  I just talked about my failure with the diet bet and not the new hope of weight watchers.  I needed to start it privately.   I have been so vocal about my weight loss efforts and failures on here…and in my YouTube channel (even though I haven’t posted there recently).  But I knew in my heart that I needed a private start before announcing it to the world.   I needed to do it without the pressure of anyone that reads this knowing.   Seriously, I told no one other than my coworker!  I didn’t even tell my husband.  I just quietly joined and started tracking and exercising.  I told him last weekend and I was also able to tell him that I was 5 pounds down.   And now it’s time to tell you.    So here it is… ‘I joined weight watchers and in the first two weeks I have lost 7.8 pounds’!!!

So how is that for a secret???? 

)

Colossal Failure

I have seriously contemplated writing on more than on occasion.  Honestly, I think about it quite often, but then I stop because what am I going to say? My last post was so positive and ended up being a colossal failure.   I'm nowhere closer to being at my goal weight.  I'm just floundering.

So, let me start with the colossal failure.  In my last post I wrote about a diet bet.  I started so strong.  That week one I was on fire. I was making good choices with my food.  I was tracking every bite.  I was doing zumba and riding the exercise bike.  I actually lost weight that first week.  And then I fell apart.  I totally just lost every ounce of motivation and drive...and the rest of the month I floundered.  Luckily, I remain in the same 3-5 pound range (right where I started) but that is not where I want to be.  I feel yucky.  I look like a stay puff marshmallow and I am not happy where I am at.   I want to be thin.  I want it bad.   But the month long dietbet ended and I didn't even send in my final weigh in.  Ohh I thought about moving the scale on the floor to a more sloped location to finagle a weigh in that would earn me back my money....but that is cheating.  There is no honor in that, so I just didn't weigh in at all.  Colossal Failure!

But apparently, I haven't wanted it bad enough to do the work to attain it.    Why???  

I have wondered recently if I don't find myself worth the effort.  I mean, I have had some negativity in my life that I struggle with.....and I am trying to work through that issue.   I also have the baggage from my previous marriage.  I totally happy and content where I am, but I KNOW that I still carry some baggage from my years with my ex.  I spent too much time during those years trying to make him love me and I was never good enough.......lessons that I learned that went deep into my psyche.    I know that me even saying it silly.  I am totally worth every second of energy that it takes to make myself a healthy me....but sometime still holds me back.   

My mom continues to progress slowly in her rehabilitation after her stroke.  It is a slow process and one that requires quite a bit of encouragement for her as she wants it NOW.   I have remind her that it is a process....and one that takes time.  She frequently cries and laments and apologizes for where she is and that she even had the stroke.  I come back with saying that I accept her apology ...but there is no need.  The past is the past and we can't change it and honestly we don't exactly what caused her stroke....so was it a freak of nature or something that she caused....who knows, so there is no need to apologize.  BUT the future is what is in her hands.  I tell her to "work your tail end off to make sure that you don't need to apologize for what is going to happen in the future....for the stuff that she CAN control"

Good advice???

I think so.  But wow if that advice doesn't come barreling back to hit me smack in the forehead.  You see, I want to lose weight and I want it gone NOW.  I get frustrated at the slow progress.    I show no grace and mercy to myself for my past mistakes.  And the biggest thing that hits me?   I AM IN CONTROL OF WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE.   The past is the past.....I can't change that I regained weight.  It is done....over.  I can face the truth.  I can apologize to myself and anyone else that it affects.  But that is in the past.  I need to focus on the future... hold the keys.  

Positive Thoughts

​This is my post for positive thoughts.  And thankfully not so much because I am having to force myself to think positively, but because I am finally able to post something positive in relation to my weight loss journey! Go me!

Last weekend I actually joined a DietBet.  I had talked about it for a few weeks and I am proud to say that I didn’t just talk.  I ante upped the money and did it!  I was not happy with the number that I am starting with.  (Seriously, July was bad!)  I joined a one month DietBet. $35 for the month and I am required to lose 4% of my body weight in order to ‘win’ and get my money back (along with my share of the pot…should there be people that don’t lose).    

Joining a dietbet was just what I needed to give me the spark and motivation.  $35 is small change.  I won’t be destitute or anything should I not get my money back.  But let’s face it, I am a cheapskate and I don’t want to lose my money!     So I am motivated to recoup my money!   Yeah sure, I would love to make some money and take some of the money in the pot (from the people that lose their money) but seriously, the motivation is coming from the desire to not lose my money!  

So what has this motivation sparked me to do?  

* I have tracked every bite of food that I have eaten 

* I have kept my calories totally in check!  Even when I indulged on the weekend, my calories were in line and at a very nice level!  A level that is conducive to weight loss!

* I have calculated my mileage for my 2022 mile challenge.  I found I am 200 miles behind schedule. I read of lamenting that fact and giving up, I started riding my exercise bike and knocking odd miles.  It won’t be quick to make up those miles AND carry out my needed daily miles so that I don’t fall further behind.  And I know that I won’t be completing my mile challenge in September like I did in 2021, but I have started to chip away at the deficit while completing my daily miles and I am determined to finish my miles by the end of the year!

* I have also recommenced with doing Zumba!  I loved my live Zumba classes when I was taking them, bit I haven’t been able to attend a live class in years.  When my schedule cleared up which would have allowed me to attend, covid hit and classes were not as plentiful.  I have recently looked for classes near where I live and there are not all that many live in person classes.   There are lots of virtual classes.  But A month or so ago (on a false start) I tried a few Zumba workouts on YouTube and found an instructor that I liked.  So when I kicked back into my weight loss/healthy living routine, I Turned on those workouts and I have been doing Zumba most mornings before work.

* I have been making a conscious effort to drink more water! 

So as you can see, I am not doing anything earth shattering unique or crazy.  I am just making healthy choices.  I am being more cognizant of my actions. And it’s working!  I lost a few pounds the first week and I’m heading into week two strong and ready to lose weight this weekend also!!!

When it rains….

​Why does it seem as when it rains it pours.   That is how July felt for me.  Just when you think it gets better it pours.

A few posts ago I shared how I was on track.  I was eating more consciously and even doing Zumba.  I was hot on the trail of health.  I was going to be unstoppable!  We were finally 100% moved and done with the apartment.  Life was going to get easier right?  

That’s not how it happened!  I was silent for a few weeks until  last post when  I shared the first week or so of July and how my mom had a stroke at the beginning of July.  I ended up that post by saying she was at a hospital inpatient rehab facility close to home…..life was going to get easier right?

I have been silent for a few weeks…and life didn’t get easier.   Mom was in the stroke unit for not even a full week before she tested positive for covid.  So off to the hospital isolation unit we went. 10 days of isolation and only sporadic physical therapy.  Her stay in the isolation unit ended earlier this week and we have finally gotten her moved to a nursing facility and she has recommenced with regular physical therapy.  The inpatient rehab unit was no longer a viable option even though she would have received longer and more intensive therapy.  But regardless we are back on the path to recovery now!   

With everything happening I was feeling quite discombobulated and off kilter.  I could feel the tendrils of depression uncurling around me.  I was struggling.  Really bad.   

In the midst of all of that going on, my work set up meetings with everyone on my team.  The meeting was to tell us that the main product we support will not be supported after the end of September.  Of course I asked about job security. And the answer was less than comforting.  ‘We hope to have positions for you…but you know with the economy we just don’t know’.  One director actually made a comment in the meeting I attended saying something to the affect of ‘look for other jobs and take care of yourself’ when someone asked if we should be seriously planning to not have a job.  Really?    I just bought a house!!  I just emptied my savings to buy that house and get it set up.  

Talk about depression going into effect full force?   I was a mess for a few days.   Intrinsically I know that there is nothing I can do about the situation. It is what it is.  But it really threw me for a loop for a few days. After a few days I started to regain my footing emotionally thank heavens.  In the meantime,  I have kept my eyes open for jobs.  I also know that my manager has since told me that he is like 99% sure that my job is safe simply due to my work ethics, attendance, quality, etc.  but in the same breath he talked about his uncertainty about his job.   But of course I also know that his guesses aren’t set in stone.   

So, while we were ready to get a riding lawn mower the weekend after the meeting, we put that on hold. Spending that money would not wise at the moment….at least I don’t think so. So we are still push mowing…but hey that’s 3-4 hours of exercise right?

See, when it rains it pours.  You think it’s bad and it just gets worse.

So what is in the future?  Lots of visits to mom.   Work as usual and not slacking.  (Some coworkers totally slacked after the news…which just doesn’t seem smart when you know they are looking at you in terms of who to keep and who to get rid of….although I personally think the decision was made long ago!). And moving on with life. 

My weight has been on the back burner and I have to say that I have eaten horribly in the month of July.  Too much food in terms of quantity and definitely the wrong types of food for sure.  Seriously…fried foods has not been a common food group for me for years.  Sure I indulge every once in a while.  But July was near constant!

That is changing.  I have been toying with DietBet or stepbet for quite some time.  I have decided to join a DietBet.  It starts on Monday August 1 and goes for one month.  It’s only $35 but I’m cheap…I want to keep my $35 (and if I’m lucky win some too!). I have to lose  4% of my body weight to win.  If I lose my 4% I am guaranteed  my money back (plus my share of whatever is left in the pit by people that don’t lose).    If you want to join that one you can me at this link. 

I had decided to join that DietBet and my coworker decided to do a HealthyWage.  That one is $25 a month for three months.  This one requires 6% loss in 3 months…and starts august 8.    She just opened it yesterday evening.  So I think I may be the only one in it right now…but feel free to join us if you want.  It’s ‘anchors a weigh’

So I’m kinda excited about my challenges…motivation…accountability.  I’m ready to dive in and get this weight off and get back to living and being healthy!!!

   And just because…a silly picture of me when we ran into an antique store while waiting for an appointment last weekend.

The proverbial Rug

​I was so in line and going in the right direction…and then that rug was pulled right out from under me!   Yes…the rug was pulled out from under me and it totally messed with every positive thing I had implemented in my routine.

In my last post I was so positive.  I was tracking my food and watching what I ate.  I was working in the yard and doing Zumba.  I was hot on the trail of healthy living.   Things were going to ease up with time constraints and everything was fabulous!

Our apartment lease was up on July 2 and we made the last trip down…did everything we needed to do and said goodbye to that place!   I was so excited.  No more trips to Frederick to finish up moving/cleaning.  That would free up a weekend day!  I even made the comment  out loud,  ‘things will settle down now and we will have time to breathe’.   

Famous last words.

The very next day I received the type of  text and phone call that you never want to receive.  My mom was being taken to the hospital by ambulance.   I met her and my brother at the ER…and then they decided to take her by helicopter to a hospital 3 hours away, I followed as quickly as I could.

I had eaten nothing that day until I got to the hotel at 10…which is past my bedtime (hey I wake up really early every morning…).  Too tired to wait for delivery, I just ate some pringles/potato chips  that I bought from the hotel ‘kitchen/pantry’.   The next day my food choices were no better.  French fries AND onion rings from Burger King!  Healthy eating went out the window!  Ok, let’s be honest even being cognizant of my food choices was long gone also.   I ended up driving home and working Tuesday through Thursday..and then driving back to the hospital super early Friday morning.  I spent the three days at home  spending my time catching up from house chores that I had missed during the weekend and trying to get ahead for the upcoming weekend because I knew there was a good chance that I would be back in Pittsburgh at the hospital.  I ate snacks those three days.  I have long admitted that I’m a stress eater…so of course food was consumed.  And I was busy so no Zumba…and very little yard work was done by myself…I was busy doing laundry, getting groceries, cleaning, etc.

My second trip to Pittsburgh was no better with food.  I didn’t skip meals leaving  myself super hungry this time.  I just made horrible choices.  A cookie for lunch!  Why yes, that sounds delightful!  Why not do cookies again for breakfast!!!  Fried foods?  Why yes, I think I will!  My eating was ferociously horrid during my second trip to the Pittsburgh hospital also!

Mom has since been moved to a stroke rehab back here near her home.  A 30 minute drive for me.  So much more doable for visits.  So things have eased up.  But I remain stressed and worried about her.   I’m trying to pull myself back together in terms of my health…I’m really trying.  

Seeing mom struggle with a stroke has made me think more about my own health.  My weight is not healthy.  I am heading down a path toward health problems such as strokes, etc.   I know it.  Obesity is the pathway to so many debilitating and deadly diseases and conditions.  I know that I need to fix myself. My head is not in the sand. I know I need to change.

The problem?  My mind is at war.   The battle I am fighting you ask? The choice to: Eat what I want and feel the food addiction endorphins that make me feel better right now or eat healthy and feel better in the future.    On paper it seems clear….but it’s NOT clear in my head when it comes to actually making my food choices.  

I know I will regain my footing again…I know I can do it.  And I’m not promising that things will settle down…life doesn’t seem to work that way does it?

Positive Steps

​I know, two posts in a week when I’ve been quiet as of late!   I guess that means things are settling down!  Maybe.    I have started a new routine for my day  and I’m quite proud of myself for it!!!!  

Yard Work

The yard work continues.  During the week it’s a lighter work…usually.  But I do throw some extra tasks in there to up my activity level.    Most days my main task is watering.  It’s hot..and dry.   We have a lot of freshly planted trees…and plants.  Water water water.   Yesterday I added turning the compost pile and attacking a pile of brush that is beside the fire pit…cutting and stacking it into manageable pieces for a fire.   Movement on my body…it’s a good thing….right?

The mowing won’t happen again until this weekend.  (We we’re not expecting to get a place with property so I hadn’t budgeted for a riding lawn mower…which will make it a bit easier.  We have a possibility but it’s been delayed. Hopefully soon).  Weirdly enough, I’m looking forward to the 3-4 hour exercise.  Ok…on one hand I dread it…but I know it’s doing my body good…soooo I kinda look forward to it to see how my body handles it.  I can see it get easier each week!    Even after we get the riding mower I will probably still be push mowing….around trees and tight spots.    

Tracking my Food

I have actually started tracking my food.  I’m doing fairly well with tracking. Actually I am doing splendid with my tracking.   My calories haven’t been totally where I want them to be…but I’ve been relatively close so I’m good with that.  And by relatively close I mean that I have been about 1500 calories.  I know…that is still an awesome calorie count…but it for some reason doesn’t work for my body.  And true to form I haven’t seen any weight dropping from my body.  But that’s ok.  I’m doing good things for my body in the meantime.

The New Routine

So what is this new routine that I alluded to earlier?   Well, I have been getting back on the exercise bike…I missed one day because I was making phone calls during the break that I have set aside to ride.    So that is one routine I’m bringing back.  The other?   I have started to do Zumba again.  Not in a class setting.  (Weirdly enough I couldn’t find any in person classes in this town…I think covid is still affecting exercise classes).  I have looked at the Zumba classes that you can buy a spot in a stream and do live.  And I will probably try that at some point.   But what I have been doing is I went to YouTube.  Yup.  The first person I did a workout with did everything leading with her right foot…and no cues anywhere and that annoyed me. The leading with the right foot annoyed me most…it created and off balance workout.   The cues…I just got used to my most awesome Zumba instructor Anita (this lady is as awesome as I said in this post)!   She led her classes and directed us with hand motions so that we always had a wee cue of the next step to take.   I missed that.   So after that one day with the lopsided clueless instructor, I headed to a different Zumba channel and I struck gold.  This guy without saying a word makes me smile.  (Literally he reminds us to smile).  He exercises both sides of the body equally.  And he gives physical cues to help us through the workout.  Yay!

I’m having to stay on the basic level for some of the moves….I can’t amp everything up to high intensity yet.   I also am still learning his moves and cues so I look like a list exerciser sometimes.  But I have been rolling the Zumba exercise each morning at around 6:30-7AM (depends on when I get my housecleaning done!). I may arrive at my desk a little sweaty…but hey, I work from home…who cares.  Especially since I’ll get sweaty again on my first break when I do the yard walk through to pick up downed tree limbs and whatnot  (I carry a bucket and weed as I go)…and I’ll get sweaty again on my lunch when I ride the exercise bike….and that last break bike ride also.  And I’ll get sweaty again when I go out for yard work when I get off from work.   

Ahhh work from home is great.  Even more great…finally taking control of my fitness level…accepting the lowered fitness level and taking the steps to change it!    Next up getting my food totally in line…that will come.  I know I’m much more cognizant when I eat now because my thought is ‘did I just sweat for that Zumba class only to negate the calories with such and such’. 

The work in progress that I am  is starting to make steps in the right direction again!!! 

Pushing to the Light at the End of the Tunnel

 The last few weeks have been difficult.  Oh my, have they been hard!   I haven't kept it a secret that we moved.  I have even talked about the sheer exhaustion.  What I haven't talked about is how bad it has been.  I guess I didn't want to admit how far I have slipped!    As bad as it has been, I have not given up and I have pushed through and I am FINALLY starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.....I think!

The Pain

A few weeks ago I wrote about my utter exhaustion from the combination of the move and the unfamiliar yard work upon my body.   What I didn't write about was the fact that I was in tears from the pain in my legs.   I would sit and contemplate moving because I knew as soon as I moved my body would be screaming in freakish agony at the absolute murdering pain in my muscles.   I couldn't sleep at night because the muscles in my body were literally vibrating with pain.  I'm telling you, I was in bad shape!  There were many nights I cried from the sheer 'torture' that I was putting my body through.   

Even as I sat in tears, I battled with embarrassment.  A few years back I was in amazing shape.  I was still overweight but I was in the best physical shape of my entire life.   It was absolutely nothing for me to wake up early on a Saturday morning.  I would go for a 3-5 mile run and then go home, grab some water and then head outside to push mow for about 45 minutes.   I would then go inside, eat breakfast, shower and shortly thereafter head out to go hiking with Jason....and we usually hiked between 7 and 12 miles (depending on where we hiked) and usually up some mountain. I would be tired, but I was never down and out.  I was never not able to sleep because of the muscle aches.  I was never in tears because of the pain.  I would wake up the next day anxious to head back into the mountain for the next hike!  

Pushing Through

I am not going to lie.  During these recent weeks I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop the madness that was causing me pain.  I wanted to throw up my hands and settle into my world of 'unfitness'.  I didn't want or need this misery!   I didn't though.     As bad as I felt, I kept going.   Tears and sleepless nights meant nothing.  The next day I headed back out the door to mow, to move, to water our new trees (the first weeks by carrying 5 gallon buckets to each tree) , to plant flowers, to clear brush.  I gritted my teeth and I kept going.   I CHOSE more difficult options on a regular basis.   Which push mower did I chose?  Do you want the self propelled mower or the standard one?   I consistently have used the mower that is NOT self propelled.  Wait until we have a wheel barrow to move that pile of rocks?  Nope, I can do it one at a time...by hand!  Good exercise you know.   Even though my body was screaming at me!  I didn't stop, but just kept going.    I won't sugar coat it though, I have never been so happy to know that it was a weekday where I would be working.   You see, work days were my 'recovery days'.   

I kept telling myself that there would come a moment where it would get easier.  There would come a moment where my body wouldn't ache in freakish misery when I worked out in the yard.  The day is getting closer and while it's not totally here, I can see just this weekend how much better my body is adjusting to this 'new life'.   We mowed yesterday.  We are currently push mowing our property....and it takes about 7-8 hours TOTAL.   We have two push mowers at the moment so I mow for about 4 hours.  We also cleared brush from a stand of trees.  (and got to add a cherry tree to our list of fruit bearing trees and plants!) and of course watered.  (I chose to carry the water to the outlying plants versus using the hose...more exercise right....still choosing the hardest option).    I can't say that I was ready to go out dancing last night.  My legs were tired.  But my legs were NOT aching with utter misery.  They were not vibrating and so sore that the pain kept me awake.  And there was definitely NO tears.  

I still have a way to go.  I want to get back to the point where I do not even have the 'tiredness'. in my legs.    I want to get back to the fitness level that I was at a short 6 or 7 years ago.  But I can see that I am on my way!  I am not giving up!   It may hurt, but that is only my body getting stronger!  And maybe, just maybe; since I'm not totally wiped out maybe I can add in some exercise through the week!

Weight Loss Efforts

My vows that I have made in recent posts about tracking food and whatnot have not been executed to the degree that needs to happen.  I have been  morecognizant of my eating. I have stopped the nightly sweet treats.  BUt I haven't been spot on.  I haven't tracked. So in essence I haven't really been working on my food intake all that much.  HOWEVER, I have managed to lose about 6-7 pounds since we moved!     I'll take it!  Now I just need to get serious and actually work on my food intake.  

Four weeks

​Today will mark Four weeks since we settled on our new house…and this upcoming Friday will mark 4 weeks since we have been living in this house.  What a crazy four weeks it has been! There have been tears.  There has been lots of hard work.  There has been lots of happiness. And let’s not forget lots and lots of moving!

Exhaustion

I have spent most of the last four weeks in a state of pure and utter exhaustion.  Most of the time I have been physically and/or mentally exhausted.  Our moving plan (based on necessity as it has just been the two of us)  has been amazingly long and utterly draining.   The last time I wrote (two weeks ago) I wrote about this. Luckily at that point ‘most’ of the big stuff was moved and we only had one more big load.  I had been optimistically hoping to get a lot of our boxes in there during that load.  But my grand plans were not to be.   We had some bulky odd shaped items that took up lots of room.  (Portable quilting frame…big perch/playground for our bird….just to name two).

Every night after work, Jason stops by the apartment and fills up his car with boxes and ‘goodies’ from the apartment. (I had everything packed and in the living room).   We unload his car and the next day I spend my spare time (before and after work, breaks and my lunch time) to unpack those boxes…or to move the storage items to the basement.  The apartment is mostly empty and devoid of boxes…there are some things left…but not much. (This week will finish that up).  The plan is to next week go and clean that place so that we can turn our key in and be totally done.

On top of the move, we have had yard work.   We are adjusting to the yard work and never have enough time in the weekend to get things done.   The property was rented for years and the yard shows the disinterest of renters.  Flower beds are overgrown.  The garden path is in disarray.  This will definitely be the year of reclaiming.  So we have spent hours upon hours doing yard work.

So to boil this all down.  There has been more than day when the utter exhaustion breaks me down.  Some days I’m in tears from the physical exhaustion.  But I have had days when I’ve been overwhelmed mentally as I’m trying to shuffle it all and I just want to cry. (Ha..ok I admit…I have cried.).  Right now it is a thing of just trying to keep our heads above the water.  And luckily, this never ending move is ALMOST behind us.  Also almost behind us (hopefully) is the need to push mow this property….which with two mowers running at the same time takes us about 3.5 hours.    So there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

Weight Loss Efforts

So what about my weight loss efforts?  I just laugh and say,  “What efforts!”  I didn’t get my scale until last weekend and my years long habit of weighing myself every morning was broken…and most mornings I don’t even think about it.   I have tried to curb the desserts…I vowed last week this time to get serious and track food and make healthy choices.  But, let’s admit, I haven’t tried very hard!   

Let’s however give credit where credit is due.  We are back to eating at home…and that includes healthy servings of vegetables.  

So, after a few weeks of moving and ‘hard labor’ but crazy eating what happened on the scales?  I brought them home a week ago.  I was fearful when I stepped on. But, I dropped 5 pounds.   All I’m going to say is that is a true testament as to how hard I have been working because I have been eating ‘vacation levels’ of food and I have gained 5-10 pounds on those weeks….and here I just ate like that for a month but actually lost weight.

I am not a fool though.  I know that if I don’t curb the eating…like NOW, that I will start to gain weight sooner or later as things start to settle down.  So I am vowing that today is the day.  I’m done with the constant barrage of desserts that pass my list.  I am done with the plethora of snacks that find their way into my hands.  I am vowing to clean up my eating starting here and now (it’s Monday morning as I wrote this).

My body has felt like death much of this experience.  I have been in pain.  It’s been really difficult. And the worst part about it is that I know that I feel horrible because I let myself go!  I gained weight over the last 10 years.  I have let my fitness level slip away.  And I am paying the price right now.

So I know that it has to change!  And I’m vowing to start that change today.  My body is still being abused with moving (almost done) so I’m not planning on diving into heavy exercise yet…but cleaning up my eating….game on!!!

The Pits

Moving is certainly the pits!  That’s really all I can say.  It is horrible!  Oh sure, you get to purge stuff you no longer want.  You get to start over in a brand new spotless house (easy spring cleaning).   Everything is fresh and new.  But the formal act of packing your belongings, moving said belongings to a different location and then unpacking those belongings….absolutely the pits!

We settled on our house about two weeks ago.  (May 16th).  We spend that week moving furniture and boxes.  We did it ourselves using my brothers cargo van.  Small loads at a time.  It prolonged the misery but since it was literally Jason and I alone doing all the moving it was the best option for us as we didn’t overtax ourselves and rather took our time with breaks for our bodies.  (Let’s not forget we lived on a  third floor apartment with no elevator….steps are the devil in a move!). Even so, we were sore…achy and I was covered with bruises!

We actually started to stay at our new place a week ago…the Friday after settlement.  Most of our belongings have been moved, but we do have one more trip with the van to make.  We have about three of four ‘larger items’ that we need to move in the van…but nothing too terrible. (The exercise bike….terrible to love.  The couch…..hideous to move.  Heavy awkward stuff is just a bummer to move!).  We have some more boxes and random items that we may be able to get in this last van load.  But as long as we get the big items we are good because we can throw other stuff in a car.  (And Jason still works near our apartment so he can grab stuff each day when he is in that area).   We actually have the apartment until the end of June (when our lease ends) so there is some wiggle room.  I just want to say that the move is done!  I want it behind me!!

That said…..(confession time)…..

* I haven’t weight myself in about two weeks.   The scales are still at the apartment!   I plan on grabbing them this weekend!  I’m curious…and worried about what those scales may reveal!

* I haven’t tracked a single bite of my food in the last umpteen weeks!  Not a single solitary bite!

* I haven’t even THOUgHt about or tried to curb my eating.  I’ve eaten what I wanted and when I wanted.  I can honestly say it wasn’t good…but thank heavens my eating, while not great wasn’t that bad.  However, The scales will be the true judge!

*. There has been desserts involved…and diet soda won out over water a few days.

* formal exercise…like I was planning for my time in the mornings and evenings while Jason commuted to work….has not yet commenced.  Furthermore, I haven’t been on that exercise bike in about three weeks….so I know that I am behind in my 2022 mile challenge!

So lots of confessions there!   I wish it could have been an easy bruise-less move.  I wish I could have sailed through it with healthy foods, tracking every bite and n100% on plan.  But that wasn’t how it went.  

This weekend we move more stuff…but I plan on restarting my exercise bike riding….at the very least…next week during work!    I’ve got some miles to make up!  Will my legs feel horrible for a gazillion steps that I had to go up and down this weekend.  Sure, but I can’t let that stop me!!!!

Right around the Corner

​closing on our new house is right around the corner.  Yes…literally right around the corner.   Wow…this move just got real….

Yes, I got the notice yesterday that we are cleared for settlement.  I got our final figure on exactly how much money we need for closing….and the loan company has given me the final figured so we now know exactly how much our mortgage payment will be and all that stuff.   I got the “thanks for using us…you will get your first mortgage bill right around this date…if you don’t get it by then just give us a call….been nice doing business…goodbye.”    It’s all on the hands of the settlement company right now.   So it’s Thursday and our settlement is set for Monday.  I told you…this just got real.

Today is my last day of work for this week.  I had previously (like 4-5 months ago) randomly asked for tomorrow (Friday) off.  (I have use it or lose it time and I get more than Jason so I just randomly take days off….and spend them with mom usually.)   I toyed with canceling the day…since settlement isn’t until Monday.  But I have ultimately decided to keep it off.  I can take care of some banking business….instead of waiting until the last minute.  I can also continue packing…. Oh who am I kidding, I’ll probably spend the day with mom…although I haven’t told her that I will be arriving on her doorstep yet!

Packing has gone well.   We are nowhere near fully packed.  Part of the lackadaisical attitude is the fact that we actually have possession of our apartment until june 30th.   So while we are excited and anxious to get moved, it’s not imperative that we do it in a crazy day long move to vacate one place by the deadline and get into the next place moments after settlement.    The other thing…our apartment is small…and I have stuff stacked everywhere…we plan on making a few smaller loads…and not doing one big trick at one time.  So once I get the first load packed and moved it will be easier to navigate and move on this apartment.  This weekend the plan is that we will be reduced to eating on paper plates and using plastic silverware.  Hahahah. We will also be eating foods that are prepackaged…can we say hello frozen pizza?  (At least that is the plan….I have a sneaky feeling we will end up picking up to go!)

Weight loss…it’s still on hold.  I’m just trying to maintain.   And if I maintain, I’ll call it a victory!!!

Packing…worry…packing

​Packing and worrying.  That seems to be my life right now.  Weight loss….it’s in the back of my mind and I think about it a lot, but…..

Packing to Move

I started to pack as soon as we went under contract for the house we are buying.   My goal has been 2 boxes a day.  Some days that is all I do, but usually I get rolling and get a few extra boxes done.  I have moved through the ‘I’m so overwhelmed’ phase of moving and now I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel..maybe.    It has been somewhat easy as we have known for a while that we would be moving..so I have saved boxes.  So it was a thing of buying packing tape and putting the boxes back together before I fill them.  I also spent the last year and a half purging.  For a while I was challenging myself to purge at least one item a day.  With that done I didn’t have to sort and make decisions while packing, the devotions were mostly already made.  

 I know as the days tick closer to our settlement and move that I’ll begin to feel overwhelmed again.  But, the packing is going well at the moment.

I am overwhelmed with worry about the actual move.  I’ve been having foot issues recently.  I’m not in pristine shape right now either.   I’m very worried.  But, we are planning on doing it on our own.  (Honestly, we don’t have many friends in our area to even ask for help.)  

The actual house purchase

We are still signing papers and working on getting the paperwork for the lender done.  The paperwork has died down though, so it’s not as fast and furious as it was at the beginning.   Everything is looking to be ready for our projected settlement date.   I am still holding my breath though.   We both have had some issues in our financial history (that’s what happens sometimes in bad relationships…which we both previously had).   We have spent time cleaning up our financial history and we are currently good…but it is still there on our records (close to being old enough to fall off our credit reports) so it’s hard to be calm and not worry.   

Before we went under contract I had laughed and said that I would be nervous until settlement was done and we had keys in our hand.  Little did I know how true that would be.   Actually I also said that I would be on edge until we were settled in the house and the first few months of all the new payments and bills was behind us and we were totally settled in all aspects….I sure hope that’s not the case and as soon as settlement is done that I go back to being less stressed out.

Weight Loss

Losing weight has been in the back of my mind every day.  I’m serious.  Every. Day.     I am just trying to hold on right now though.  I honestly don’t think I have it in me right now to dive into weight loss full steam.  Weight loss for me is all encompassing when I am doing it with any success.  It turns into my full focus.  And right now my focus is elsewhere (packing and moving).   The good thing is that I’m not eating crazy.  I’m holding steady with my weight.  Not gaining…but not exactly losing.  Not optimal, but it is what it is right now. 

I have been seriously looking at Zumba classes to join after we move….online and in person.  I haven’t been able to do most ‘home exercises’ here at our apartment.  I’m on the third floor and while I pay my fair share to live here, I don’t want to be ‘that neighbor’ and stomp and jump above them.    I am looking forward to doing some Zumba classes…in the area we will live and with my schedule it looks like it will most likely be online classes.  I will actually probably pay for official classes…however I will be looking into YouTube videos also.   I plan on continuing riding the exercise bike daily.  (Of course I will…I have my 2022 miles to get this year!).  There will be yard work…and whatnot that will keep me active.   I also have made the conscious decision that when the stress of packing and moving is behind me, that I will switch that focus to weight loss.  I have to!!

Life is a crazy thing.  It is a balancing act of making everything work and balance out.  I’m working on it….win lose or draw I’m walking through the craziness!

I'm in a Tizzy

 ​Oh my word.  I’m in a total tizzy!   The stress level and anxiety has ratcheted up in my life by a gazillion percent. Life is out of control!!!  I have meant to write a few times this last week and just get sidetracked.   But here I am now…and I’ll catch you up and you will probably then understand why life for me is the way it is right now.  (I am in such a tizzy that I posted this in the wrong place!!!!  But hey...better late than never to get it to the right place)

Weight Loss

I had a good week last week.  I wasn’t 100% doing what I needed to do.   Honestly, I tracked less than 50% of the time.  My water consumption was dismal. I mean, those two things are the base of success for me and I messed both of them up.  However, I was a lot more cognizant of my choices.  My lunch choices were much more in line.  I tried to curb the quantity of food I put in my dinner plate in the evening.  (Seriously, I stopped at two slices of pizza last night!   And yeah, I was inordinately proud of myself for that fact.). My weight at my official weigh in was the lowest that it has been in the last few months.  So my feeble efforts in watching and being cognizant was enough…for this week.   

My goal for this week?   Why the two base facets of weight loss (at least for me)  of course.    I am aiming to track all food and to drink at least 64 ounces of water.

Exercise

I am still doing well with my 2022 miles in 2022.   I am consistently riding the bike during the day.  I am not pulling ahead though.   I am getting in about 4 miles on the bike a day….to pull ahead, I need to be getting about 8 miles a day. (Or more).  But I am holding steady on my miles.     We continue to walk every evening after work…so that gives me another mile or two.   However, I’m not sure if I’ll be walking this week.   I was walking in a yard the other day and stumbled in a hole and twisted my foot.  It is a foot that was already bothering me and since then…eiiyiiyii my foot hurts!  Time will tell if it’s well enough to hobble around the neighborhood after work this week.

We have gotten out a few times to hike (also known as mushroom hunting) in the last few weeks.  It feels good to get out into the woods and to watch things start to bud and bloom.

House Hunting

After my last crazy story about the house in my last lost we were once again discouraged but we weren’t letting it stop us.  As I had mentioned we had a few houses lined up for Easter Sunday afternoon.   The first one had a fabulously landscaped yard.  The house was very nice. (A cute cape cod) but was at the top end of our price range.  It was also literally right beside the house and in clear view (I’m saying spitting distance) was a solar farm.  Not exactly pretty.   The fact that this house was already priced at the top end of its value  (even in this crazy market) made us pause because the solar farm would reduce the value of the house.   We liked it and we drove away contemplating the house, but we had some major concerns about that field of solar panels.  (The house had a few issues…nothing major though).   The next house was absolutely disgusting!  The place reeked of mothballs and even with the oh so strong odor of mothballs, it still wasn’t enough to cover the smell of animal pee.   Yes, they had a dog or cat at one point and apparently…we’ll it was just bad.  The floor plan of the house was weird.  The lot was super narrow and long…so not exactly usable. Everything was super old and NOT well maintained.   It was a hard pass.   

From there we drove north into Pennsylvania.  We were going to look at a house a bit further north (by like 15 minutes).  This is the house that checked off the boxes for everything we wanted. Furthermore, I was able to read the disclosures…it had a brand new metal/standing seam roof (well 8 months old), new fridge, new stove, heating/ac and water heater was replaced 2017…amongst other recent repairs.   Most of the big ticket items to ‘go bad’ was already replaced and recently.  Hmmmmm.    We got there and we really liked it.  The extra distance was the only issue.  Everything else was what we wanted.    Oddly enough we ended up meeting the owner, who is a neighbor to the house.  We found out why this house was still on the market after a week.  She told us some more about the house and property, what had been replaced and some history.  We literally spent more than 2 hours there looking at the house, talking to the owner and our realtor had her inspector friend come in and do an informal inspection for us along with her informal inspection. (She also does home inspections on the side.).   We left there and knew that the home owner liked us…and that we had a leg up if we wanted the house. Seriously, the owner flat out said ‘I really really hope you like my house’.  And she later texted my realtor and said ‘they would make great neighbors’.     

So we put an offer in.  The offer was put in at 10:30 on Monday morning.   I was prepared for the couple days of waiting…that had been the norm during the last few offers we put in.  I had an answer by 11:10.  She accepted our offer.   What?????   Oh my word!  I have to say, the emotions were rolling.  I literally cried.

Sooooo… last Monday was full of contract paperwork that I signed with the realtor.  Tuesday started the paperwork with the lender.  Never ending paperwork….little bits here and there.  The appraiser has already inspected the property so the lender should have that hopefully soon.  I have two more documents to upload.  (Last paystub that we just got this weekend and a copy of a check that was written this weekend).  They will be uploaded to the lender this morning (following monday when I wrote that)  at 8AM.    At that point our loan can go to the underwriter.   I am still getting random things to sign and do....but it's all good I guess.

I am totally on pins and needles.  I have watched the houses on the market for the last year.  You see houses go onto the market…change to under contract…then go back active on the market.  I don’t see any reason for our loan to have issues…and in fact the lender that I talked to on Friday said she sees no issues either.  But, until settlement is done and the keys are in my hand I will be on pins and needles.

Settlement…5/16/2021

So I am in the throes of packing…organizing….purging…trying to prepare to vacate our apartment.  (Had to give notice that we were not renewing our lease this week.)

So that is what is happening here.   It was a crazy week. I envision some crazy weeks ahead of us. But I am determined to do it without weight gain!!!!!

More motivation to bust through the weight loss barrier

Here I am another week has passed and I could have sworn that I promised to get back to really using this forum for my journey, going back to the basics and all that.  Yet, I am not being consistent at all with my posts.  Well, maybe I am being consistent......about once a week.    Either way, I'm here and I am still working on moving forward and making me the best me possible.  But what have I been up to this last week.

Addiction and Weight Loss 

Addiction is a crazy thing.  It hits so many people, but the average person doesn't even realize that they have an addiction.  If it's legal then it's not an addiction right?    Wrong.  I have an addiction to food.  Food is entirely legal....but I eat to feel that amazing feeling ....my own personal high.  There are people that are addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine and any number of things.  Heck, I had a coworker a few years back and she readily said "I have an addiction to chapstick.  I must have pockets in everything I wear and I have to have a tube of chapstick with me....or I panic."   Yup, that's an addiction.   Chapstick, legal and harmless but still and addiction.

So Jason and I were talking about addictions in the last week or so. Of course my food addiction was discussed.  But we also discussed a few of his small (legal) addictions.   He suggested that when I get to my goal weight that he would kick one of them in honor of my herculean effort to control my food addiction.   I looked at him and said, "You are  not getting out of doing a bungee jump you know?"  (no way am I letting him off the hook for his poor challenge/bet.  I want bragging rights in simply telling him that he has to jump, because we all know that I would never make him jump against his will.  But you better believe that I'll remind him of it as long as we live!)    He assured me that this was in ADDITION to that.  Ohhh really?   More motivation.     He then sweetened the pot further when he said, "MaryFran, when you bust 200 pounds (aka get below 200) I will beat my one addiction and when you get to your goal weight I'll do another!"   So here I go.  

I know, I know I know...how many times have I started over. How many times have I said that I am motivated and ready to rock and roll with this weight loss journey.   I feel silly saying it once again.  HOWEVER, I also know that if I don't start over again, as many times as I need, I will never realize my goals and dreams.  So here we go again.  

House Hunting

After last weekend's house tours being cancelled due to the houses being sold before we could get there, I was a bit discouraged.  Seriously, the stars need to align to buy a house in this market!   I am having to work to keep my spirits up during this process.   I believe in the power of prayer and we have been praying.   So the flip side, is that if I believe in the power of prayer then I have to believe that prayers are answered in the best possible way and this process is just there to prepare us for the perfect house.  

I was quite interested in a house that was 'coming soon' for the last two weeks.  The pictures looked fantastic and we got to go tour it last night.  The yard and location was wonderful.  And it went downhill from there.   The detached garage...the soffits were rotting. Literally rotting wood and open and the paint was peeling.   We were actually ok with that...summer project here we come!  We went into the house and we were hit with a musty smell.  The kitchen was small but nice with a  lot of counter space.  Likewise, the dining room was a nice size and it had built in cabinets and a large buffet counter (ha...I'm being nice......we all know that in real life that would be a junk counter).  We opened the french doors in the dining room oand walked out onto the back deck.  The view was great...but oh watch where you step, some of the deck boards were soft and rotting!   Ok, it would probably pass inspection our realtor (who is also a home inspector part time), but would need attention soon.   Hmmmm...   Back inside to the musty smelling house.   The living room with wood stove was pretty standard and nothing caught my eye.  We headed back the hall to the bedrooms.  The hall had nice vinyl flooring (the LVP wood style flooring) and it was nice.  The first bedroom had carpeting and the vinyl hall flooring just stopped and  there was about a 2 inch gap (and dip) before the carpet started.  Weird.  The room was nice though.   Back to the hall and into the second bedroom.  This was also LVP flooring...a different tone than the hallway...and the 1 inch gap between the two floors was visible .  It wasn't a bad bedroom...At that point though I hear Jason snort...he was done with the house.  Ha.  I kept looking on.  We went to the third 'bedroom'......different floor and another one inch gap between the floors.  This floor actually felt soft when we walked on it.   This 'bedroom' had been converted to a laundry room and a half bath had been added in this room.   The half bath....yup, different floor and another one inch gap.  Ohhh and no bathroom door.  HA.   OK, so the one inch gaps could have been easily fixed simply by adding threshholds.  HOnestly, and easy fix.  But it emphasized to us that repairs and upgrades were 'half-assed' in this house and to beware!   The house had lots of storage closest and a pantry.   So even though Jason was mostly done with the house, we headed down to the basement....and the musty moldy smell got worse!  There were no lights in the basement that we could find.......on purpose?  I can't help but suspect that is the case.  Using our phones as flashlights, we inspected.  The basement was finished....but we found evidence of drywall that had been replaced at one point and we found evidence of drywall that seemed a bit damp.  Well then.   In case you didn't catch the underlying answer, that house was a hard pass.

So today we are heading out to a few more houses.  Yes, on Easter Sunday.  Hey, we are working around our schedule and our realtors schedule.   Per the pictures, one of the houses could best be described by saying "the 70's called, they want their house back"  Another one I would say "you must have picked up your trim paint from the 'oops we made the wrong color shelf at Lowes".  We are going to see a house that looks adorable....but is at the top end of our price range.  And we are looking at one house in a neighboring state....a bit further for Jason...but it has everything on our list must haves and even everything on our list of 'it would be nice to have".   Time will tell......pictures make everything look nice.  (Well, not really.   We went to the house that smelled like dirty butt....and the pictures made it look bad....I was hoping that it was just the fact that there were beds everywhere in the pictures and that the pictures were just bad......but nope, that one was bad!)

Life

Life is going ok.  We live our weekdays just waiting for the evenings and weekends when we are together and enjoying life. It feels horrible wishing our lives away. But until the work situation changes, it is what it is.   I don't like my job any better.  But I am trying to focus on the positive....I have a job.  I am working from home.  It might be a toxic environment, but I am blessed to have a job that allows us to live comfortably.  

The pets are doing well.  Kiwi the bird enjoys life and he counts down until evenings and weekends when he is allowed out of his cage.  While I'm at work he stays in his cage right by my office door.  He is my supervisor I guess. Kiwi will occasionally antagonize the cat....he does fly by's and buzzes her.     Mertz, the cat  is still the diva of the house.  She gets a bit jealous when kiwi gets attention.  She does tolerably well with the bird. We closely monitor them when they are together though. The crabs are....well hermit crabs and somewhat boring. But still fun.   Life would definitely be boring without our pets. 

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Holding Steady

​Holding steady.  That’s the best way to put it.  I’m holding steady in every aspect of life.  Weight, house hunting, work.  Sometimes ready is good, but in some things I would like forward progress…but hey…holding steady is better than going backwards.

Holding Steady in House Hunting

We had only two houses to look at this past weekend.  Both were sold before we could even tour them.   So we had a weekend off from house hunting.   I wasn’t overly upset.  They weren’t houses that I was ‘in love with’ and anxious to see.  Furthermore, I pray that we make the right decision, that the decision is a no brainer.  So I am relying on my faith…a LOT.   But swing things sell so quickly just shows how crazy the market is at the moment.  

I sometimes wonder if we are insane for looking at the moment.  But our rent will most likely be going up…by 400 dollars (if the apartment complex website is any indication).    Our rent was already on the high side.  Decisions decisions decisions!

So no change in the house hunting.  Holding steady.  

Slow and steady at work

Work is much the same.  Nothing much is happening.  I’m not exactly happy.  It is still a very toxic work environment.  It is still a demoralizing and demeaning experience where we are made to feel inferior and inept. (Seriously…as a real life example….one process has two instructional documents …each give totally different instructions.  An associate sends a daily email with yet different directives.  I spoke with a supervisor and got yet another direction.  Which to follow?  Because if I do it one way I am told how wrong I am…but if I do option two it is also wrong…same with option three and four.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.   It’s insane!)

But….even with work being this way, I am really trying to not dwell on it.  I am trying to go to work with a mindset of…. It’s  just a job…do your 8 hours.  Do your job and don’t focus on the back and forth and all around directions.  Block out the negative. Laugh off the disorganization and resulting ‘you were wrong’ talks.   Taking that mentality has helped.  Still not fun.  But it has helped.  So work is holding steady.

Weight loss is holding

My weight is holding also.   Quite literally.  Each week my official weigh in is the same…week in and week out. 

That’s good.  But it’s also not what I want!  First of all.  I have my own little ‘Geronimo’ challenge/ bet going with Jason!   I want to win!

But let’s be honest.  I want to lose the weight because I am tired of being fat.  I’m tired of feeling this way.  I want to be healthy!!!  So holding steady is NOT good enough!!! 

Things are topsy turvy crazy

 LIfe is crazy!  That should be enough said.  Life is crazy!  From house hunting to weight loss to crazy dreams.  It' all nuts!

House Hunting

We spent some more time this weekend and saw some houses that we really liked.  One in particular.  We REALLY lilked it. It had the a few acres and trees (which Jason and I both would love to have)   It had not just a fireplace, but also a woodstove (Jason's wish list).  It had a hot tub (which is on my wish list so every house we look at, I look for a location to add a hot tub).  It had what we wanted.   So of course, we made an offer.   It's so difficult to wait until the offer is reviewed and either accepted or rejected.  This is not the first house where we placed an offer.  The waiting doesn't get any easier after the first.  Honestly, it is probably worse, since you already have first hand experience.  But we placed our offer this past weekend and then waited.   We did everything we could to make our offer look good.  We had an escalation clause to bump up our offer if needed in order to be the highest offer......to a certain limit that we were willing to pay.  We wrote a heartfelt letter to include.  We did it all.    Monday evening we got the text.

The answer?   The seller went with another offer.  

Yes, we were/are bummed out.  It is frustrating.  The market is insane.  At the houses we toured last weekend at each house we saw the people touring the house right before us and the people touring right after us.  The tours were booked that tight and solid.   It seems a bit hopeless.....almost insurmountable.  Yet people ARE buying and getting their offers accepted.   So with that said, we keep looking.

The house hunting process has been stressful for me.  I'm a worrier.  I stress about making the right decision, the offer, the wait, the aspect of moving, the process of the lease that we are in...everything.  SO I have had some sleepless nights.  That part of this has been no fun either!   I told Jason that I will probably be a nervous wreck until we have signed on the dotted line, moved our stuff into a new place and handed the keys back to our current apartment complex.

Crazy Dreams

As if being stressed about buying a house and having issues sleeping  as your mind races isn't bad enough, I have been having some nights recently where I have been having dreams.  They are dreams that I am back in a relationship with my ex-husband.  They are dreams that emphasize the emotions that I lived with daily during my marriage with him.  (At least the end of the marriage......like the last half if not more.)   Last night I dreamed that I had left him and then I went back.  In my dream I was blown away at the pain and disappointment in my parents eyes.  (As if dreaming about the sadness of my previous marriage isn't enough...my dad made an appearance in the dream....my dad who passed away 4.5 years ago and seeing my dad in my dreams always messes me up.) In this dream I had gone back and  I struggled to move around the house, but everything that was in the house that was mine was broken, covered with dirt, decrepit.  My ex's stuff was all pristine and well kept.  And in seeing that, I saw the undervalue of myself in that marriage.  I didn't matter what I did during my marriage, I was not important and the dream highlighted that.  As I slept, those heavy weighted feelings and emotions drove me down.  What a load I was carrying back then that I am reliving during my dreams.  Because while they return to me in a dream, they are well known from my time in that marriage.  The emotions of a dream where the dreammimics real life events that you have lived are hard to put into their place.  Because these emotions are based on memories.  Memories that I would sooner forget.  But yet, after these dreams I find myself in tears and reliving the sadness and pain of those times.   

I don't know what is causing the dreams.....very odd I tell you!

Weight Loss

I am maintaining.  That is a good thing!  Through the stress of house hunting and getting our offers rejected and all of that, I am maintaining!  

The bad thing?  I'm NOT losing!  

So why am I NOT losing?  Well, because I haven't tracked a bit of food in WEEKS!  I am cognizant most of the time what I am eating, but the longer I go without tracking, the more food  creeps into my day.   Honestly, most days aren't too bad.  I'm not eating a ton of stuff.  But I know that I am eating more than I should......not if I want to be losing weight!  I'm disgusted with myself!  I feel bloated and icky and like a failure. (man, this weight thing keeps doing that to me doesn't it?)

I keep saying 'enough is enough'....but I  keep failing.  This has to end.  The question is what end is it going to be?  I know I know, I know.  I hold the cards and I can write the next chapter to my book (which will affect the end) anyway I want!   

Sooooooo, crazy life happenings here.  Some of the craziness I don't have control over.  I can only chose how I will react to the craziness......so how will I react? 

1.  I am vowing to continue to rely on my prayers and my faith that the perfect house will come alone in the perfect time for us.

2.  I am vowing to now let the memories of those bad years in my life affect me.  I will remember them and then thank God every day for the healthy relationship that I have with Jason

3.  I will stop being lackidaisical with my weight.  At the point where I am in life, not trying has the same damaging effect as eating like a mad woman!  So TRY TRY TRY....never give up.  (and that means tracking...like NOW!)

Life won't beat me!