Friday, September 02, 2022

Colossal Failure

I have seriously contemplated writing on more than on occasion.  Honestly, I think about it quite often, but then I stop because what am I going to say? My last post was so positive and ended up being a colossal failure.   I'm nowhere closer to being at my goal weight.  I'm just floundering.

So, let me start with the colossal failure.  In my last post I wrote about a diet bet.  I started so strong.  That week one I was on fire. I was making good choices with my food.  I was tracking every bite.  I was doing zumba and riding the exercise bike.  I actually lost weight that first week.  And then I fell apart.  I totally just lost every ounce of motivation and drive...and the rest of the month I floundered.  Luckily, I remain in the same 3-5 pound range (right where I started) but that is not where I want to be.  I feel yucky.  I look like a stay puff marshmallow and I am not happy where I am at.   I want to be thin.  I want it bad.   But the month long dietbet ended and I didn't even send in my final weigh in.  Ohh I thought about moving the scale on the floor to a more sloped location to finagle a weigh in that would earn me back my money....but that is cheating.  There is no honor in that, so I just didn't weigh in at all.  Colossal Failure!

But apparently, I haven't wanted it bad enough to do the work to attain it.    Why???  

I have wondered recently if I don't find myself worth the effort.  I mean, I have had some negativity in my life that I struggle with.....and I am trying to work through that issue.   I also have the baggage from my previous marriage.  I totally happy and content where I am, but I KNOW that I still carry some baggage from my years with my ex.  I spent too much time during those years trying to make him love me and I was never good enough.......lessons that I learned that went deep into my psyche.    I know that me even saying it silly.  I am totally worth every second of energy that it takes to make myself a healthy me....but sometime still holds me back.   

My mom continues to progress slowly in her rehabilitation after her stroke.  It is a slow process and one that requires quite a bit of encouragement for her as she wants it NOW.   I have remind her that it is a process....and one that takes time.  She frequently cries and laments and apologizes for where she is and that she even had the stroke.  I come back with saying that I accept her apology ...but there is no need.  The past is the past and we can't change it and honestly we don't exactly what caused her was it a freak of nature or something that she caused....who knows, so there is no need to apologize.  BUT the future is what is in her hands.  I tell her to "work your tail end off to make sure that you don't need to apologize for what is going to happen in the future....for the stuff that she CAN control"

Good advice???

I think so.  But wow if that advice doesn't come barreling back to hit me smack in the forehead.  You see, I want to lose weight and I want it gone NOW.  I get frustrated at the slow progress.    I show no grace and mercy to myself for my past mistakes.  And the biggest thing that hits me?   I AM IN CONTROL OF WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE.   The past is the past.....I can't change that I regained weight.  It is done....over.  I can face the truth.  I can apologize to myself and anyone else that it affects.  But that is in the past.  I need to focus on the future... hold the keys.