I'm Still Standing

 I'm still standing.  When I write that it does seem a little melodrmatic.  And maybe it is, there are peopel that have gone through a whole lot worse stuff than m.  I know that and I know how much wore it could be for me.  But regardless, I"m still standing.

 

The last month has been difficult for me......oh shucks, who am I kidding, the last three years have been difficult.   3.5 years ago we got married and life was grand.  We started looking for a house and we ended up buying a house.  Still grand.  But then life went belly up and what can best describe the last three years is sadness.   What should have been a happy time full of excitement turned into stressful and sad time...for three plus years.  But I'm still standing.

I was thinking about all the life events that have come my way since we moved in and I honestly can say that they have not been pleasant and tinged with sadness, stress, fear and heartache.  There hasn't been one happy life event since we bought the house.  Ok, we did celebrate some anniversaries and birthdays....but they were celebrated with no fanfare and were just normal days.  In comparison, I watched my mom suffer for almost two years after her stroke.  I watched her lose touch with reality and beg me to pray that she would die.   It was tough, emotionally and it spread me thin as I was trying to hold on to my responsibilities in my marriage and at our house.    In the midst of that Jason had a run in with an axe.   It left him injured and off of work.  So I spread myself thinner as I tended to his medical needs and as he was off work for about 5-6 months, I was even more stressed as I tried to make the finances work on a single income.  I also had the stress of  my medical issues that resulted in tests and doctors appointments as they diagnosed me and bandied about talk about "this test will check for cancer as what you have been diagnosed with if left unchecked like you had been frequently causes cancer."    Then the worst of all, my mom died.  (Honestly, it was a blessing because she was NOT going to get better and only continue to get worse....but I was still left without my mom.)  It was sad to clear out my parents house, and yes mom hadn't gotten rid of anything of dad's so we had everything to go through.  I ended up working on a team with a 'Karen' who was in a position of power.  She was horrible! She ridiculed and frequently told us how we were inept and ineffectual and how it was no wonder the team was falling apart since I had done such and such and believe me when I say that her abuse was over crazy things like me choosing 'file and then save as' versus just clicking the disk icon. (Heavens knows what would have happened had I chosen Contol -S.   But after such egregious actions as saving a document in her nu-preferred way  she would say things like "oh my word, I can't believe you don't even know how to save, you can't do anything right."  Is it any wonder that I wrote a post in May of 2023 titled confidence?     In the midst of this three year endless tragedy that was my life my work was becoming more unstable.   Not once....but two times the team that I was on at work was called into a meeting to say that "the team is being disbanded in two months and we are not sure that we will have a position for you."   I dodged those bullets and retained my job.  But then the company started having mass layoffs.  I dodged those bullets also.  But the strain and stress of the insecurity and instability of your job situation is tough.  (And yes, I was low key looking for alternate employment.)   Finally that came to a head in December of 2024 when they announced that I (along with my whole team) was being laid off, and on my birthday of all days.  I finished out the last few weeks of work and found myself unemployed on January 1rst.   And that started the stress of unemployment.  I'm not going to lie, I like being home and free to run errands and relax......but I also missed working.  Furthermore, I NEEDED a job!  HUNDREDS of applications were submitted.  I was trying to find another remote job so I could continue to work from home, but those applications were going no where.  Stress upon stress upon stress.  But I'm still standing.

 As soon as something was resolved and before I could even emotionally recover, something else happened.   The stress has been weighing me down heavily for quite some time.   This stress has carried into other areas of my life in ways that I won't go into today.   But I'm still standing.

In the last week or two I have been offered a job (two actually).   Both of them are in person but I am surprisingly  excited about getting out of the house and out into the world.   These last six months at home I have been very sequestered and alone.  I am somewhat worried about the dog though.  I've worked in the last months to get her used to me not being home all day...and she has gone multiple times with me being gone for 8 hours.  I think we will have some messes at first...simply because she is somewhat used to waiting to use the potty (the yard) until she wants to...but that won't be a possiblity.    But seriously, I think she is going to sink into a fit of depression.  That honestly is my only worry...my dog!

 

I'll be starting my new job literally 6 months almost to the day (one day off actually) from my last day at my previous job.  Yes, one day shy of 6 months of unemployment.    It's honestly the first 'happy' thing I can think of happening to me in the last three plus years.   Is my luck changing?   I'm certainly due some good luck....some happiness.   But as I thought about this change of my luck, I started to think about where I am and where I have let the last 5 years take me.  

So let me just say it here and now.........while I have had some bouts of weight loss and some great periods of being physically fit (such as my 75 hard challenge earlier this year), I have actually gained a fair amount of weight.    I am literally the highest I have been since I started this blog.   Yeah, it's hard to write that and face the truth.  But there it is.   This weight gain comes at me naturally.  I am a stress eater.   The last three years have been nothing but stress.    Couple that with illness and injury and life constraints that kept us too busy and/or incapable  for actives that we have enjoyed and that set up bad habits and we  have fallen into a habit of not being as physically active as we once were.     And there you have.....a disaster for my weight and honestly my health. But you know what, I'm still standing.

So with my luck changing for the better (I refuse to believe anything else) I know that I have to change my habits for the betterment of myself also.   I'm not making grand plans.   I have two weeks until I start working and I will honestly be busy.  I have a girls weekend that an ex-coworker has planned that I will be embarking upon next weekend.  (We are going to New River Gorge...it's about midway between us....and it's just pretty plus she has never been to West Virginia).  I have paperwork for my new job. I have a few other outings planned.  Plus, for my first week or two I will have to drive to Harrisburg (about an hour or more) for training (I will only be about 10 minutes from home once training is over).   I know that I will most likely be exhausted that week from the unaccustomed aspect of work....and a commute....AND learning new stuff.  So I also want to plan out some meals that I can have in my freezer ready to thaw and quickly cook for dinners those nights.  So the two weeks will be busy!  

I may be standing in a place that I never thought I would be......at the end of a 6 month period of unemployment, missing my mom (and my dad)....having been laid off....and back to a heavier weight than I ever thought I would be again, but when it comes down to it, I'm still standing and I am ready to be free myself and soar!

 And in case you haven't heard this song.....go listen....it's been my theme song of late!  (Seriously, so many of her songs have been my theme songs over the years....Fight Song right after my divorce.... Better Place when Jason and I were falling in love....etc.  )

 

 

365 in 365

 I am on a mission to find what makes me happy.  Life is too short to be mired down with things that are not bringing happiness.  Does a certain belonging make me happy?  Does a particular activity make me happy?   What brings me joy in life?   Conversely, what drags me down?  It's time to dive deep and find the answers.

The last few years have been particularly rough for me.  I have struggled with a low grade depression.  I have not gone to the doctor or sought help.  I have been trying to work through it on my own.  There have been months that are really difficult and months that are easier.  It's a battle.  However, I'm determined to win and come out HAPPY!

So how am I going about this deep dive in my quest to find happiness and joy in my life.   There are some things that are not easily changed.  I mean, I still need to go to to work. (Although I really honestly believe that I was created to be a lady of leisure that shouldn't have to work.)  But there comes a time in life where we have to focus on what is bringing us joy and cut what is not.  We need to choose to surround ourselves with the good.  And that is what I am going to be focusing on.

* Clear the Clutter:  I am planning on getting back into my purge project.  I was doing good before my mom passed away and then instead of purging, I was bringing stuff into this house faster than I could blink.   I don't regret my choices for what I brought. However, I do need to start purging again to clean the unwanted.  Because seriously, if I have something that I haven't touched in the 1 or 2  years (or almost three since we moved into this house), then it's time to get rid of it!  

* Stop spreading myself Thin:    I have so many grand ideas.  I am going to do this and then do that and oh wait, I want to do that too!  Such grand plans I have.  A youtube channel for my bird?  Why yes, I have one!  One for my dog?  Yup, got that too!  Exploration Youtube?  ~snorts~  Of course I have that too!   So I have bits and pieces of ideas and grand plans laying in a pile around me.   It gets unwieldy and hard to navigate around all of these grand plans.   So it's time to back away and maybe even delete a few to clear the head space around me! 

* Finish Projects!  I wrote about this a few posts ago where I was soul searching and vowed to work on some of these projects to get them done.    I have started to make some progress on some of these projects.  SLOW progress, but progress.  I pulled out the lonestar quilt and and I have been working on piecing that.  I have been working on editing and getting a few writing projects closer to completion.  It will be a slow process, but I am working on it!

* The last thing that I'm doing is technically starting a new project....but I think it is a worth while one. So worthwhile that I am willing to add something versus pare down.  And that is a 365 project.  And more specifically 365 pictures in 365 days.  A picture a day!  I did this for about 2.5 years about 10-15 years ago and LOVED the process!  Some days it was a chore to find something worthwhile to photograph.  And I will admit that there were a few days where my pictures were cringe worthy due to the fact that they were so uninspired.  However, it was an amazing experience.  I completed that project in the depths of one of the deepest and darkest periods of depression within my life.   Forcing myself to look at the beauty around me during my search for a photo opportunity was a good thing.  Because seriously, you have to look at the world in a different way if you are going to photograph it.  You HAVE to look for beauty.  

I thought about starting my 365 photos for 2025, but I was excited about the project and knew I needed to be FORCED to look at the world that way NOW and not wait until January 1rst.  SO I started on Monday October 28th!  Day two was actually a rough day as I was feeling BAD and I was downing Mylanta like they were the best ever candy!  I will talk more about that in a day or two....but for now, I leave you with the first four days of my photo a day project!

 

 

Jason brought me home flowers when he came home from work. 

I felt so sick, photography was the furthest thing from my mind!

                                I felt so sick, photography was the furthest thing from my mind!

This goofball dog!  I was taking crazy stupid pictures to send to a group chat with some ex-coworkers and Zoey had to get in on the fun!

I just saw the peppers still on the plant in the garden and realized how pretty some plants and produce really is.  So I snapped a picture, never thinking it would be my picture for the day...but I just really like how the picture turned out!

Word of the Week

​How is it already Wednesday and I haven’t posted my word of the week yet!  I’m such a slacker!!!   It just seems as if every moment of my day is sucked up with activity.   By the time I do sit down to relax in the evening I am just plain and simple tired!   But here I am now, so let’s catch up!

Word of the Week

My word of the week for this week is consistent.     Consistent just seemed really appropriate for me this week.  My January report actually kinda surprised me, I wasn’t expecting it to be as good as it was, but it showed me that my efforts were making a difference!  Because of that, I knew that I couldn’t let up!  I needed to stay the course that I am on.  I had to stay consistent!   

I am happy to say that this far this week I have been consistent!

Accountability

I have long resisted the idea of actually posting my food on a public forum such as this site or on my YouTube channel.  I know a lot of people do, but it just seemed as if I was opening myself up to ridicule as people decided to make comments about what I’m eating because of course my eating plan is MY plan and may not fit in with what someone else thinks is a good plan. So while I have toyed with it quite a few times over the years, I have never actually done it.   I also lacked the discipline (and memory) to actually film/photograph my food for each meal!  Hahaha. So I never did it.  That is, I have never really done it until last week.   No no no, you didn’t miss anything on here.  I decided to try something on my YouTube channel and I started posting what I eat in a day videos. Yeah, not really sure what possessed me!  Must have been a moment of insanity!

But I’ve done a few now.  And it hasn’t been too bad.   Sure I got a comment from someone to eat more veggies (I have always been a bit heavier on fruit versus veggies, so no surprise there).    I have forgotten to film one meal.  But since I’m a creature of habit it was luckily just a bowl of cheerios that of forgot to film.  So I’ve done it for about a week. And it’s been….well enlightening.

For one, the accountability multiplied tenfold for sure! And secondly, I realized how much of a rut I really am in, and it did make me sit back to try to think of different options for lunch.  (Although if it’s working for me, why change it?)

I don’t know how long I will do it.  Posting a video everyday is a commitment. It takes time to not only film (I am throwing in other things from life into those ‘what I eat in a day videos…and some videos are two days lumped into one), but it takes time to edit the footage.  It takes time to get everything ready to post and it even takes time to post.  But for now, it’s working as I’m working to set up some kind of routine to allow it to happen within my normal daily schedule.  (And in that schedule I am looking at adding a regular time to write here because I am always THINKING about writing a post but time gets in the way.

You can check out my what I eat in a day videos here.  

The Homestead

It’s no secret that when Jason and I bought our place that we bought it with grand visions of the property.  We don’t have a lot of land, but you can do a lot on a one and a half acres.  Fruit trees, a strawberry patch, garden, chickens, etc etc etc.   However, shortly after moving in life went upside down and well….I started to struggle emotionally.  And if you have ever suffered from any level of depression you will know that it is a monumental task to even do simple things like cleaning and cooking.   The yard progressed a bit..and we did plant a few things, but nothing major.

I decided that it was time to change that.   So I’ve been trying to spend a little time outside each weekend doing SOMETHING to better our ‘homestead’.   It’s winter so there isn’t a whole lot to do.  But we have a big brush pile to burn!  So we had a fire one weekend.  And my nut trees needed pruned…so I pruned one weekend.   We still have brush piles and stuff to clean.   That’s a good winter chore!  (Can you get poison ivy in the winter?).   I am looking at getting strawberries, grapes and blueberry bushes this year.  I want the fruit trees, but I need to watch the finances and don’t want to bite off more than I can chew in terms of time commitments!

I’m pretty excited about the homestead work!

We remain busy with life and all of our commitments, but I’ve been doing much better emotionally.   And of course, Zoey the Newfoundland is as cute as ever…she got a bath this past weekend!   She wasn’t happy about that!!!

So life is moving nicely..and things are going well!

Enough is Enough

​I honestly didn’t mean to stay away for so long after my last post.   I realize that doom and gloom and a post talking about depression followed by a period of silence is not very comforting to anyone.  I know it and I honestly thought about writing a new post so many times!  But I just couldn’t find the time and/or energy to get it done!

These feelings suck.  Years ago when I was battling these depressive demons, I wrote in my private journal (good old fashioned paper and pen…and yes I still have one of those going) about how I felt as if I was backed into a corner with high walls all around me with no way out.  Back then I was trapped in a bad financial situation, stuck in a marriage that was not at all healthy and I was struggling with my weight (amongst other things).   I couldn’t see a way out and it led to depression then also.  And that is exactly how it feels now just different life issues.   The walls seem super high.  They feel insurmountable.  I feel trapped within  events in my life.  

That said, in the last two weeks I sat back and thought a lot about that previous bout with these depressive feelings.   Way back then, I actually adopted a mantra, a belief.   And that was, ‘I can’t do anything to change some situations in my life.  So what do I control?’      My answer was not much.  BUT,  the one thing I did have complete control over was what food went into my mouth.    No one was forcing me to eat food that was not conducive to a healthy weight.    

So I took control of that one thing.  I started to really care about what I ate.  It was my little slice of control.  Slowly that control built confidence within me and I was able to stand up for myself and I started to go to Zumba (believe me when I say it was a battle to get there as my ex husband sensed his control slipping and he dug in when I tried to start.).   I became an exercise machine and the confidence grew even more.  Even more crazy than the confidence was the fact that those insurmountable walls started to crumble.  Some of them I was able to climb over, others just crumbled away and became inconsequential.   It wasn’t overnight but it happened.    And it started by me taking control of the one thing that was possible!

This bout of depression has a different set of life issues (thank goodness for my husband Jason who has stood by me and loved me through this).  Some of the issues will most likely eventually rectify themselves on their own.   Others will need a solution and I have no clue where or how because I have no control.    But right now instead of dwelling on what I have no control over, I am going to work on controlling that which I can control.  It won’t be easy, but I’m determined.

So enough is enough.   It’s time to take control of my eating!  It’s time to stop fiddling around and get myself in gear in Regards to my weight!   I’m done with not tracking my food, with no exercise, and with feeling miserable.  It’s time to take control of my weight. And it’s the first step to taking control of my life!

Juggling the Balls of Life

Over the years, I have written pretty openly about my weight loss journey.  I have alluded to other aspects of my life, but it hasn’t been until recent years that I really started to share more and more aspects of life.   In the last year or so, I have mentioned my emotions and mental state a bit more.

I talked about my feelings a bit back in July of last year in this post where I talked about everything going on and how it was overwhelming to me.  I talked about being a mess for a few days.  What I didn’t mention was that the few days were more like a month of battling tears, anxiety and depressive feelings.   I knew that my feelings were all situational and that when things with my job and everything else straightened out that everything would right itself.

Life started to get back to normal and I slowly started to feel a bit more ‘normal’ and not quite so sad and upset That didn’t last long because by the end of November I was writing about a panic attack that I had.  I just couldn’t get a break.   I pushed through everything and kept going.   These feelings would fade, right?  

It’s been over a year now since I first started to allude to these struggles.   Some of the situations have righted themselves but they just created new ones in their place. My insecure job from last July became secure again….for three months then it became insecure again for another 2-3 months.   Then it became secure but my new team/position is highly stressful and made worse because I am learning the job but expected to know it all irregardless of the fact that I just joined the team. And that is just one of my life examples.

I am struggling.  Big time struggling.  Tears are always just beneath the surface. I am struggling to put one foot in front of the other.  Life is just hard right now.  The other day I came up with the perfect analogy.  I am like a juggler, juggling 24 balls in the air, but I feel as if the balls are all falling to the ground.  I pick them back up as quick as I can and recommence the juggle but inevitably they fall  back to the ground as I fail.  Kind of ironic since one of my biggest fears is the fear of failure. 

Seriously, I feel as if I. am even failing as a dog mom.  Sure, the dog is walked for potty breaks, the dog is fed.  She is loved.  But she and I are in a battle for dominance and while I jokingly say out loud that it’s neck in neck, I honestly think the dog is winning.    (This is a big Newfie trait …the battle for dominance as a puppy, the selective hearing,…and this stage goes from 6 months to up to 3 years of age. Once we get past this stage, we should have the ‘gentle giant’ as adult newfies are known).    Have you ever tried to control a 90 pound stubborn dog/puppy that is fighting your authority?      

I’m obviously failing at weight loss.  Sure I’m slowly trending down…but I’m not setting the world on fire with weight loss.  I mean, at this rate I may reach my goal….in about 10 years.   Take your pick, am I winning or failing?  

Tears are constantly just beneath the surface as the balls that I’m juggling drop again.   I’ve tried to pare down to the bare minimum life responsibilities.  I’ve cut extraneous things (quilting, dollhouses, YouTube, etc) to try to ease how  overwhelmed I’m feeling.  But nothing is working.  I’m  struggling.   I feel like it’s been ages since I actually laughed, a real laugh.   I worry that my depressive mood will drive a wedge between Jason and I.  Our relationship is ok and is thankfully NOT a cause of stress…but the worry that my feelings and depression  will harm it and just causes me more panic.  

I’ve been so depressed and 

I don’t have an answer or a solution. And honestly this has been a difficult post to even write to really out my feelings and struggles  out in the open.  But this is life.  This is part of my weight loss journey.  (Stress eating at its finest the last two mornings with homemade pancakes.)   I’m not giving up though.   I’m going to keep posting here.  I’m going to keep trying to lose weight and continue to try to push through this sadness.   I’ll make it through this storm cloud.  The sun will once again shine on me.  

Ridiculous I tell ya!

​I sometimes think my life is straight out of some looney toon cartoon!  Expect the unexpected is what I need to start saying in relation to my life!   This last week has been exactly that!   Rashes, car breakdowns, rain,  x crazy dog, etc.   ok, the dog is a puppy…so she is supposed to be crazy!  But otherwise, life has been nuts!

Rainy Weather 

So let’s start with the weather.    It was overcast and rainy for about a week and a half.  When the sun would shine long enough to actually mow, I would be working!   We even had hail three times…that I know about! (Picture of hail on the front deck below)  So the grass was growing like crazy!    

Yes, I know.  Rain and fast growing grass is be expected in April and May!  Thankfully, this weekend we had some sunny weather and we were able to get out and mow.   The grass was so long that we had to go much slower.  So what can usually be done in a combined 7 hours took about 9.  Fun fun!   But hey, push mowing is good exercise right?

Around the house we also got a few things planted.  My father in law put up some shelves that had formerly been in their garage.  And he started to build me a counter to fit into the great abyss.  My washer and dryer sit at a right angle to each other …not side by side.   That leaves a corner of space that I can’t access or use in the Landry room.  It is annoying because it’s not only dead space, but I have dropped stuff back there and have to contort…or move a machine to extract it!  So I had a grand idea of putting up a table/counter back there.    It’s in the works!   It is half built at the moment..:but it’s on the way!   I also got a plan in my head for a rocky hill that sits along the road.  Right now it is all weedy and overgrown (and an eyesore).  I have a plan in my head for how to turn the eyesore into something that at least looks like we care…if not is pretty!

Car Breakdowns

It’s the old car…the one that Jason typically uses to commute to work.  Last year , the car was giving us a warning light..and then up and died on the side of a highway.  The alternator went out.   The mechanic that we went to had the car for like two months and well…we will NEVER go back there due to some other issues.  But hey, the car was running.  Or was it.  We actually didn’t drive that car much in the next 6-7 months as Jason was injured….(you can read about the axe accident here).    He went back to work in late February.  And by mid April he mentioned that the light was flickering again….intermittently.   We took it to our new mechanic…and they ran all sorts of tests.  Drove it.   Checked the alternator.  You name it.  Everything was good.  The mechanic was like, we can put in a new alternator if you want.   But the mechanic went on to say, ‘honestly, if it were my car I would run that one until it goes out…then put the new one in.   So that is what we did.   This morning the alternator went out while Jason was on his way to work. …like he is quite literally waiting for the tow truck as I write this.

Car problems …yuck!!!

Poison

Last fall we had been working on cleaning the brush piles and all the overgrowth by our shed.  It was going smashingly (until the aforementioned axe accident).   Except….I picked up poison!  That was in lots of places on my body.   Like really? How?   I would be in misery for about three weeks and have a week or so reprieve and then boom…I would contract it again.   For about three months.  Then it was gone….no more poison…and blew side mi the of peaceful skin!   Until two weeks ago…back in the same area.  I was so careful!  Long  pants.  Long sleeves.  Gloves.  I was cognizant of where I touched my body …keeping my hands away from my face, etc.  and I scrubbed down with strong soap afterward.    Three days later it began.   And it spread.  And spread.   I seriously have poison just about Al everywhere!   I kid you not!  I think my feet are the only thing not affected!   I seriously have poison underneath my bra!   How????   I’m counting the days until this bout is history!

Jason luckily, is immune.   So I have made my vow that I will not be helping to finish clear that area.  He is on his own!   We try not to use poison since we have animals, but we have caved because we need this poison gone!    

 Fun fun!

Points Challenge

I started my points challenge on May 1.   You can read about the points challenge plan here.   It is going well.  I am adding up my points.  I know that there is room for improvement.  But it has also opened ky eyes to a few ‘problem areas’.  For example.  The first day I only earned 2 points for fruits and veggies!   That’s horrible.  So I have been really making an effort to rebuild the habit of lots of fresh fruits and veggies!  

So it’s working to help me bring awareness to what I’m doing on a variety of different levels!

Weigh In

So I restarted and got more focused on my health at the beginning of may.  I started my challenge.  I have been wracking up points.  How am I doing?

I have  no real clue.  I have hopped onto the scales once or twice.  However, I haven’t really paid attention to the numbers or what is happening.  Why?  I’m fighting a mammoth case of poison.  I am full of potions and lotions.   Medicine messes up and skews the numbers on the scale.  So I am just staying the course…the weight will drop and when this poison is behind me and my body can go back to normal, then I will find my weight!  Until then, carry on business as usual!

Emotions

I am battling some serious emotions and feelings.   This last  year had been wave after wave of depressive feelings.  It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.  It’s been extremely difficult.  I feel like I’m pulling out of it and then I get kicked in the teeth again.   (Or at least it feels that way). I know that my emotional state affects my weight loss efforts.  And the reduced weight loss just plays into those emotions exacerbating some of the stuff that I am already feeling.  It’s just difficult!   I’m fighting it though.  I’m fighting the urge to just let myself sink into a depression. I’m gonna make it.

So that is the update on my crazy life.  I’m fighting for my mental health and my physical health!   I’m determined to win!

I Never Wanted to see that Again

​I’m struggling…and I’m struggling big time.  Yeah, with my weight, but while I am trying it’s not my focus right now.  My focus right now is putting one foot in front of the other and making it through each day.

Back in early August I started to feel ‘off’.  I found myself crying…a lot.  I felt overwhelmed with everything.  I was struggling.   It was really bad for a few weeks.  I remember mowing one day and just crying…. and there wasn’t any one reason to cry.  Nothing was that horrible. I tried to convince myself that I was just tired….as I get quite weepy when I’m tired.

I have had a few times in life where I have had bouts with being depressed.  Once in college, once while teaching and periodically during the demise of my first marriage.  It was all situational and each time I knew that if I removed myself from the situation that I would be fine.   So I knew what I was feeling.  I was also concerned because there was no real situation to remove myself from. My marriage is good.  We have a property that we are enjoying bringing back to life.  Sure, I was worried about mom…and in august I was worried about my job security.  But not enough to sink into that awe full feeling of depression.   Yet there I was anyway. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, a bout of depression had made its way back into my life.

The months passed and I continued to struggle.  Holding it together, barely.   And then this week it got bad again.  It got bad enough that I had an attack such that I had when I was teaching.  Where my throat closes up…and I literally can’t breath.   This sent me to the hospital a few times way back when because, well it’s not a good feeling to not be able to get a breath of air.   Jason was there this morning when it happened  and he was terrified. He told me later that he was on the verge of calling 911.  I recognized it for what it was and worked hard to get myself calm…because even though it was 22 years ago since the last time, I well remember how they feel and how I got through them.    In the midst of trying to calm myself I heard Keewee, the bird starting to get stressed out in reaction to me.  (I asked Jason about that later and he was like, “ oh yeah, as soon as you started to struggle to breathe that bird got freaked out’). 

This bout of depression and whatever kind of attack you want to call my breathing issue,  is bothersome.  Life is good.  Yeah, I have a gimp husband at the moment due to his run in with an axe.  Sure finances will be tighter without his income while her recoups. (Which is why we bought a house that while in good shape that  needed some TLC, as it kept our price down…and thus as close as possible to being able to live on one paycheck.) But that’s normal life stuff.   

I have been battling a rash off and on since mid august.  It was bad for about 3-4 weeks…and then I had a week of bliss with no rash…and it came back with a vengeance.  Another month of misery (medication from urgent care did nothing).  I had about a week of bliss and voila…it’s back.  Luckily not as bad, and no where near as widespread as it was the other two rounds.  But just enough to be bothersome. 

Jason’s food is doing well.   The wound itself   Is healing, but slowly.  The doctor has left in the stitches as the wound is actually still bleeding and seeping.  (He only had the bare minimum of stitches to hold the wound together as they said they wanted it to heal from the inside out…and to allow it to drain to try to prevent infection.  So his stitches will remain for almost a month (if they take them out at the next appointment.). We still are on the conservative path in which we are giving his body a chance to heal before we rush into surgery.  So far so good.  When the doctor called us about the test results he was on the fence about surgery or not.  At our appointment this week he was happy with the progress of Jason’s issues /wounds and flat out recommended the conservative approach.  So that’s a good sign.  We shall see what happens with the next appointment which is in a few weeks.  

Jason’s dad has been fantastic.  We started working on that shed on our vacation and had been sneaking a few hours of work in on it on the weekends (literally we were doing about 3-4 hours each weekend…so it was going slow).  Since Jason’s injury, his parents have been coming over every few days and putting in a few hours on the shed to help us get it under cover and closed in before winter.  It also gets Jason out of the house as his parents pick him up on their vehicle and drive him to the shed…and he hangs out on a chair with his foot propped while they work.   (I struggle to keep him off his foot…but Mamma  Staggs keeps an eye on him when he is down there….although I’m not sure she has better results either!).  

My weight.  ~sigh~.   I’m trying.  I really am. I’m failing…yes I am.  And of course, the failure at losing weight adds to my emotions.   Jason’s words today were ‘put the weight on the back burner for now until you are feeling better.’  But that is giving up….and as I said in my last post, I may not have control of a lot but I do have control over what I eat.   So I will keep pushing forward and at least trying…even if I occasionally struggle and give in to the stress eating, the comfort eating, the whatever eating.    My only consolation is that my weight has stayed within a 3-5 pound range.  So I’m not gaining!   But I’ll admit to being stressed every time I step on the scale, worried about what I will see.

So I’m here.  I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m here. 

When it rains….

​Why does it seem as when it rains it pours.   That is how July felt for me.  Just when you think it gets better it pours.

A few posts ago I shared how I was on track.  I was eating more consciously and even doing Zumba.  I was hot on the trail of health.  I was going to be unstoppable!  We were finally 100% moved and done with the apartment.  Life was going to get easier right?  

That’s not how it happened!  I was silent for a few weeks until  last post when  I shared the first week or so of July and how my mom had a stroke at the beginning of July.  I ended up that post by saying she was at a hospital inpatient rehab facility close to home…..life was going to get easier right?

I have been silent for a few weeks…and life didn’t get easier.   Mom was in the stroke unit for not even a full week before she tested positive for covid.  So off to the hospital isolation unit we went. 10 days of isolation and only sporadic physical therapy.  Her stay in the isolation unit ended earlier this week and we have finally gotten her moved to a nursing facility and she has recommenced with regular physical therapy.  The inpatient rehab unit was no longer a viable option even though she would have received longer and more intensive therapy.  But regardless we are back on the path to recovery now!   

With everything happening I was feeling quite discombobulated and off kilter.  I could feel the tendrils of depression uncurling around me.  I was struggling.  Really bad.   

In the midst of all of that going on, my work set up meetings with everyone on my team.  The meeting was to tell us that the main product we support will not be supported after the end of September.  Of course I asked about job security. And the answer was less than comforting.  ‘We hope to have positions for you…but you know with the economy we just don’t know’.  One director actually made a comment in the meeting I attended saying something to the affect of ‘look for other jobs and take care of yourself’ when someone asked if we should be seriously planning to not have a job.  Really?    I just bought a house!!  I just emptied my savings to buy that house and get it set up.  

Talk about depression going into effect full force?   I was a mess for a few days.   Intrinsically I know that there is nothing I can do about the situation. It is what it is.  But it really threw me for a loop for a few days. After a few days I started to regain my footing emotionally thank heavens.  In the meantime,  I have kept my eyes open for jobs.  I also know that my manager has since told me that he is like 99% sure that my job is safe simply due to my work ethics, attendance, quality, etc.  but in the same breath he talked about his uncertainty about his job.   But of course I also know that his guesses aren’t set in stone.   

So, while we were ready to get a riding lawn mower the weekend after the meeting, we put that on hold. Spending that money would not wise at the moment….at least I don’t think so. So we are still push mowing…but hey that’s 3-4 hours of exercise right?

See, when it rains it pours.  You think it’s bad and it just gets worse.

So what is in the future?  Lots of visits to mom.   Work as usual and not slacking.  (Some coworkers totally slacked after the news…which just doesn’t seem smart when you know they are looking at you in terms of who to keep and who to get rid of….although I personally think the decision was made long ago!). And moving on with life. 

My weight has been on the back burner and I have to say that I have eaten horribly in the month of July.  Too much food in terms of quantity and definitely the wrong types of food for sure.  Seriously…fried foods has not been a common food group for me for years.  Sure I indulge every once in a while.  But July was near constant!

That is changing.  I have been toying with DietBet or stepbet for quite some time.  I have decided to join a DietBet.  It starts on Monday August 1 and goes for one month.  It’s only $35 but I’m cheap…I want to keep my $35 (and if I’m lucky win some too!). I have to lose  4% of my body weight to win.  If I lose my 4% I am guaranteed  my money back (plus my share of whatever is left in the pit by people that don’t lose).    If you want to join that one you can me at this link. 

I had decided to join that DietBet and my coworker decided to do a HealthyWage.  That one is $25 a month for three months.  This one requires 6% loss in 3 months…and starts august 8.    She just opened it yesterday evening.  So I think I may be the only one in it right now…but feel free to join us if you want.  It’s ‘anchors a weigh’

So I’m kinda excited about my challenges…motivation…accountability.  I’m ready to dive in and get this weight off and get back to living and being healthy!!!

   And just because…a silly picture of me when we ran into an antique store while waiting for an appointment last weekend.

Ho Hum kinda of day

Just because I don't have much to say, It doesn't mean I'm not 'workin' it'.   Yesterday I went out for a run!

My time wasn't the greatest.  I've said time and time  that I'm slow as molasses.  So really is there any way to go for me other than to get faster?   This time does include me walking for 5 minutes to warm up and about 5-7 minutes to cool down.   I also didn't run it straight.  I ran between 3-5 minutes and then walked a minute...repeatedly.  So my time includes the walking segments.  (maybe some day soon I will be able to afford a heart rate monitor...I'm looking at one for $150.  I want the one that has GPS, so I don't have to drain my battery life on my phone to run the GPS.   I think the heart rate monitor would also help me figure out some of my breathing issues.  Is my heart rate connected to this breathing issue thing......yesterday started out with choppy breathing but SOMEHOW I managed to pull it under control).

Eating I'm holding on.  Nothing out of control but nothing earth shatteringly good if that makes any sense. Steady with my calories.  Haven't seen much movement on the scales during my daily weigh ins.  But I'm OK with that. 

I'm trying to not focus on the bad.  I so want to just curl up and cry.  Things aren't changing in my life....well other than me.  I'm changing my lifestyle.  But financial and maritally things are stagnant and depressing as bat dung. (which is highly toxic, in case you wanted to know some trivia).  I don't know what to do for those things.  So I'm going to do all that I think I can do at this point.  I'm going to try to ignore them.  Continue to drown my sadness in focusing on my weight loss.  I've been saying that I want to start writing again.  I aim to do just that.  I'm re instituting my word count goal for each day. 1000 words a day.  I can do it! 

 

Meanwhile, I also want to update my recipe website.  I have been lazy about putting the calories onto the pages of late.  I haven't taken yummy photographs of meals.  I also have a TON of recipes that have to be entered into the website.  I want to get that updated.   I also want to go back and update my weight loss page and put in my weights as far back as I can pull the documentation for.  I'd like to see how fast I lost....where my other 'maintains' occurred.  Just for a side by side reference!  So I have lots of projects to complete!   

It's time to come out and admit what is obvious

You know...reading between the lines someone that has been reading my blog for a while can tell.  But I've never come out and said it.  I don't know why.  I guess maybe I just didn't want to admit it.  To admit it...admits that I'm not perfect.  I know I'm not perfect...but this is a major flaw....and embarrassing.  I like to be in control, and this is so not in control.

You see....I battle depression.  I've never been diagnosed as clinically depressed.  I know that my depression is situational.  It happens when backed in a corner where I feel there is no easy way out....that's when it rears it's ugly head.  It's almost like I can't figure out a way to dispel the gloom that wells up inside me.   It starts small and just progressively gets worse until I'm ready to explode.

This scares me for two very clear reasons.  Both happened years ago.  I didn't really recognize what was happening to me. Both times  I knew I was sad.  I knew I was stressed.  I knew I felt horrible.

The first time I was really oblivious to how bad I was....I was in college...and luckily I had some GREAT friends. These friends really recognized where I was at and knowing it was a situational problem, they gathered around me.  I was rarely alone.  I had a private room....but when my alarm would go off, within minutes one of them would appear in my room to coax me into getting up and facing the day.  Someone was by my side almost constantly. I will forever be thankful to these gals ....who stood by me and gave me the courage to face each and every day until the situation righted itself.  I hadn't realized how badly I had sunk, until years later when during a conversation with one of those friends  she told me how utterly scared they were for me.

The second time was the scariest for me.  I was in a horrible situation.  I was living in Laurel, MD and teaching in PG county. If you are local to the DC area, that should tell you everything you want to know....but if you are not..I wrote about it some back, the good the bad and the ugly.  It wasn't a pretty scene.  Every day pushed me further into the state of being an emotional wreck.  As I wrote, I was in the ER, with breathing problems.... I cried constantly...and the feeling of not wanting to face the day was back.  I had Todd who wasn't at my side (he was still in Western Maryland) and my parents and my friend Julie..who was the only one that lived nearby. (God love em all).  But I was still alone.  And I kept sinking further.  I still didn't realize how bad it could get.  Until one day when I was riding down the road and saw a large dump truck and a thought flitted through my head.  It's a thought that should never flit through anybodies mind.  And if that's not bad enough....I started to act upon that thought.  YOu see, that thought was that 'if I pull in front of that truck I wouldn't have to live with this pain any longer".   Yes, I steered my car in that direction....and thankfully I came to my senses before any decision was irrevocable as it was only a quick jerk of the steering wheel.  I would never have thought that I was suicidal...and still don't say so. ...it's not a valid way to face a problem.  I can't do it to my friends and family.  Not an option.  But for that split second it seemed so clear.  As a side note...I walked away from teaching....the very next day.  It was luckily a situational issue that I was able to extract myself from easily.  Yes of course walking had it's own ramifications...but I was able to walk away....ALIVE.
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I have some many issues where I feel powerless and it bubbles inside me...and fills me with this gloom that I can't dispel.  It's not easy to change some of these things.  I guess a way to sum it up...right now...I feel like my life is meaningless.....in so many aspects of my life.  So yes, the depression is there....it threatens to bubble over some days.  I keep a close eye on my emotions......and sometimes just check out of life to 'decompress' ....to cry....to rejuvenate.  I NEVER want that thought to flit through my head again.


I have no clue why I'm writing this today.....it's just what was on my heart today (and yes, I took a 'mental health' day from work...so I guess that's why I'm writing it).   I don't know how to go about fixing any of the issues in my life.  I don't know how to go about finding meaning in my life.....making my life have a purpose.

Mental health does play into the weight loss.......

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That said, January is just about over......I will weigh tomorrow to see where I'm at....but as of Sunday I can claim a 7 pound loss for this month.  I'll take it....because I struggled !!!!

Musings about my weight loss

I've been thinking a lot recently about my weight loss and my emotions. I've been stumped as to why I cry a lot when I think about it. I've come to the conclusion that I'm just so saddened by what I allowed to happen with my body. I basically commited a huge crime against my body. I allowed my weight to skyrocket to over three hundred pounds. THREE HUNDRED pounds! THat is 50% more than what my weight should be. I haven't had to lose just a few pounds...I have to lose a grand total of HALF of me! HALF of my starting body weight! That's incredible. No, that's despicable! I will also admit that some days, the thought of having to do this and watch everything I eat for the rest of my life is just so daunting that it saddens me. To realize that if I lose control for one week that I could start spiraling out of control again is just so scary that it moves me to tears! I miss eating what I wanted to and not worrying about every bite. I miss not having to journal every bite I eat. I miss it all....EXCEPT for my weight and the accompanying things that went with it...clothes that were too tight....being short of breath by just climbing a single flight of stairs....etc! Oh yeah, the benefits definitely outweigh the negatives, but I can't help being sad about it!

A while back I read Lance Armstrongs book...the first one. One of the things that I got from it was that his attitude had changed about training and riding his bike (obviously for the better since he went on to win Tour after tour). He alluded to the fact that when he was out training and even riding in the races that the pain was inconsequential. He had already lived through much worse pain AND the pain meant that he was alive and well. It made it easier for him to push through that pain to complete and do what he needed to do! I remembered that this morning whenI saw him interviewed on CNN...and all of a sudden it hit me. I need to exercise and workout with that mentality. No, I can't say that I've beaten down cancer and I've felt the pain and ravages of cancer....and I hope that I never do. BUT, each time I work out I should think about the pain that COULD come my way if I don't take every opportunity to strengthen my body through diet, exercise and healthy living. The pain of a strenuous workout should be welcomed and embraced simply becuase of what they are giving back to my body! And hopefully this new lifestyle will stave off some of these terrible illnesses (dibetes, blood pressure, etc etc etc)

Meanwhile, last night I was sooo craving something sweet and cakey! So I made a diet coke cake. It was yummy. Yes, I at one point shovelled cake into my mouth like a person starving. I did however get control of myself AND realized taht the cake in the kitchen was going to be too much temptation for me in the coming days. SOOO I packaged it up into packages containing two pieces (one for me and one for Todd) and I froze the packages and kept out enough for dinner! Out of sight, out of mind! For me, it is a temptation when it is out on the counter....impulse eats! This is frozen...and safe from those impulses....at least until I have another TRUE craving!

I was apprehensive when I stepped on the scale this morning....afterall, I had gorged myself on the cake. Before the cake eating I had ridden my bike for 30 minutes. BUT after the cake eating I did DDR for 45 minutess. Surprisingly enough, my weight was the same as yesterday morning! I do however know that I need to stay soooo on plan today! I don't want to use my flex points or anything today. I want to have a VERY good day! After yesterday I need to! Because I'm sure that two days in a row and the weight would start to rise! And that's NOT gonna happen!!!

I'm trying to stay back in the swing of exercising daily! I've done pretty good so far this week. I truely think that is where my weight loss is really based from! Yes, the eating is ultra important...but eating healthy alone .....very slow!