Friday, January 14, 2011

Deppressive state

Struggling a little bit the last day or so.  And today will be rough as we are having a delayed christmas celebration at work. We delayed our party and our gift exchange because one of my co-workers was in the hospital and we wanted her with us.  So it's today...which means FOOD!    I WILL get this together and keep it together. I haven't been doign too bad...but the scales are notshowing my efforts...but they will!

I'm going to admit, right here and right now. I'm battling a depressive state.  I'm not sure if I would say that I'm categorically depressed.  But I know that it's threatening me.  It's crushing me. It's pushing against me.  And I'll also admit....that it's winning.  Life is just overwhelming me right now. I have some issues going on that just make me want to give up.  To throw up my hands in defeat....even though my heart doesn't want to quit.  I've got these chest pains...coming up on 2 straight solid months.  I laid in bed the other night and just cried because I don't like it.  They are NOT debilitating in their pain. They are just aching.  A nuisance.  But yeah, they hurt. 

 A friend yesterday in an email started a "I'm thankful' thing.  I was saying how life just looks bleak.  She wrote back and said "I'm thankful for my little fluffy dog that is sleeping in my arms right now."  I sat here and tears came to my eyes.  I couldn't find anything that I was thankful for.  I thought.  I pondered.  I REALLY was scrambling to find something.  ANYTHING.  Finally I came up with probably one of the most lame...but ohh so very true things.  I'm thankful for parents that love me unconditionally.   She of course wrote back that I shouldn't forget my brother OR my friend in Indiana. (her).   But it made me start to think.  I need to find something new each day that I'm thankful for.  Today I'm thankful that we have no car payments AND no house payments. Our house/property and all three cars are ours free and clear!

But as i started to think about that. I realized that my photography has taken a hit.  Life is not pretty.  My depressive state makes me see the world as just ho hum.  Bland.  blah.  And thus, I have barely pulled out my camera in the last month or so.  I need to remedy that.  And this morning, even though I didn't have my camera, I saw beauty. I made myself see it and actually focus on it.  The clouds were dark on top.....but underneath the clouds....actually radiating from the bottom of the clouds was a symphony of pink colors...all tucked neatly under the cloud.  Just pure beauty. 

You see.......fake it till you make it.  I will force myself to see the good to see the beauty.  And eventually it will be natural again for me. And as beauty and happiness return....maybe my weight problems will become less of a struggle.  Yeah, I'll still have some of the other issues...but if I'm not so depressed..........