Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Skipped Meeting

I noticed something on Monday. Last summer when I bought my clothes for this job I purposefully bought everything tight. The shirts were not exactly gaping tight but they were right on the cusp of gaping, especially at my bustline. Well, yesterday I wore one of those shirts to work. I was working the drivethrough and couldn't help but notice my reflection in the window. The shirt was lose. As in I could pull the shirt about 2 inches (so 4 inches of fabric) to put it back to the fit that I had last year in the shirt. It looks more frumpy now..but it's REALLY lose.

Something else happened. Tuesday morning I put on my work clothes. I'm wearing another shirt that I've had for a while and that is a bit loose. Todd looked at me and was like, "Damn, in the last month you have become really curvy and your shape is becoming more defined." He was like, is it the clothes you are wearing? I could honestly look at him and say..NOPE, these are clothes that I've been wearing for a year or so!

SO, even though I've not been losing weight, at least it's showing somewhere! The problem, we are a society that is based upon concrete things. A weight, a number on the scale, those are concrete. Something I can announce and it's all good. It's harder to measure, loose clothing, or the occaisional compliment. Yet, it's those things, the compliments the loose clothing, the reduced inches....THOSE are the things that really matter. I need to focus less on the scale and more on the physical changes in my body. OK, ok, ok, easier said then done. Especially since I'm trying get to that magical goal weight!

As for the scales. Do I weigh? Or do I not weigh throughout this week? It really is a dilema for me. I know that to weigh in every day keeps me on track and focused. However, when the scales just do stupid things its so frustrating. Oh well, I'll just play it by ear.

Just recently I read on someones blog (sorry, I can't for the life of me remember whom or even where) about a movie called Touching the Void. It struck a chord because this person mentioned a bit about the story (a mountain climber gets hurt and has to climb down with a broken leg....beating incredible odds). SHe mentioned that this guy did it by focusing on one object and reaching that object. I do this when I'm pushing myself either biking or jogging, so it really struck me. SOOOO I rushed to netflix and put it at the top of my list. It came today. Watched it....INCREDIBLE story! Yes, his focusing on the next goal and setting a time limit to help him remain focused is just amazing. HOWEVER, he knew he had to do something....beat incredible odds...no matter the cost. He ignored the pain. (as best he could) He overcame his fatalistic attitude. And he just did it. My word.....can't that be compared to weight loss. To most people to lose weight is to beat incredible odds. It hurts, physically, mentally and emotionally. And it's so easy to adopt a fatalistic attitude (yeah read my last few posts). The end is worth it. I started this because I knew that my weight was going to kill me. That makes me no different than the main character in the movie....he knew he had to do something or die. Same place I'm at mentally. Or where I was at when I started this journey. Because I knew that I had to do something because my weight was slowly killing me!
That reminds me of something that I read that was written by Lance Armstrong (the biker that battled cancer and came back to win the tour de france many times over. He said taht while training after cancer, the pain of training paled in comparison to the pain of battling cancer. He had stared death in the face and intense training had NOTHING on it.
Beating the odds is truely mental.

I faced the scales and what did I get????

YOu know...that is the worst part of this healthy lifestyle/weight loss journey. You can be doing sooo dang good, and then you have a day where you eat what you want which in itself is not all that bad. The bad part comes around the following days...because that eating has sparked memories in our body. Memories of all sorts of foods. ANd it seems like for me, once I get started, I hvae such a difficult time stopping the eating pattern. I know that this is true for most people also! ARRGGGHHHHHH

I haven't weighed myself yet this morning. I have tried to stay away from the scales for the last few days. It was actually becoming counter-productive. It was dragging me down. I"m really worried about what the results may be. I haven't been crazy out of control, however I know that I haven't eaten as WELL as I Could have. I know that the eating not quite as well as I could have has stemmed from two things. Number one, I weighed myself one day and the scales just jumped up with no cause....I fought the urge to become all fatalistic and just say screw it all. and Number two...I'm still down about a situation in my life. So I"m fighting emotional eating! Lovely! Ohhh and something else that is making my weight a bit skewed and off kilter I"m sure (or will be when I hop on the scales)...my body is all whacked out.....things are not being eliminated regularly.....and that can seriously affect weight. OH well.....we take the good and we take the bad. (dang, can I just keep singing the Facts of LIfe theme song? Remember that show???)

Well, TOdd and I were going to go for a walk this morning. HOwever, it's raining. AGAIN. I know I know I know. Come the middle of summer we will be BEGGING for rain, and I'll be writing stuff like, "If it would just rain!" I'm never happy..tee hee hee. OH yeah, and the cold. This is the coldest May. We are literally what...two weeks? from June and it's dang cold out there! What's up with this????? I want warm weather. I'm so tired of being cold. I'm cold all the time. 60 degree weather makes me cold. Heck, I"m cold in my house, I"m cold outside. I"m just dang cold! The hot weather has seemed to be the only time that my appendages (fingers and toes especially) are not icicles! That is the only negative about losing weight that I have found. (I lost weight and now I"m ALWAYS cold. I've talked to a few other people that have also experienced this phenominan) Anyway, that long ramble to say that I guess I"ll have to ride the exercise bike.

OK, I just did it. I went to weigh myself. I didn't want to leave myself hanging about my weight (tee hee hee) Last Teusday I weighed in at 180.8 on my home scales. ~which equated to 179.8 on the weight watchers scales~~ This morning......183.8. That is a three pound gain! THREE FREAKIN POUNDS! What is it about the 180 pound barrier. I can get myself to 180 point...briefly...and then my weight just pops back up. Absolutely devastating to my morale.

Which brings me to my next subject. I have been debating about going to my meeting tonight. My first debate was because of all the hours that I"m working this week....it's a crazy week at work. MF do overtime? RARE RARE RARE...but not this week! we are talking like LOTS of hours extra..first to get me to a fulltime status (I only work part time normally) and then tons more to push me into the overtime bracket. Means a nice paycheck...but it means that MF's life is crazy. I"m used to having all sorts of time to do things around the house and to help my husband. ANd it does take time to log the mileage that I"ve been putting up on my exercise log. SO I debated about going from that standpoint....timewise. BUT the main thing is the weight. I honestly don't want to go....I'm disgusted.