Wednesday, August 15, 2018

Empowerment : Tips to find the strength to lose weight

How do we keep our heads in the game of weight loss?  Some people call motivation, some call it inspiration, desire, focus, affirmation, reminders or any number of things.  . I’m not sure I like any of those words. So we’re going to just say how do we keep our heads in the game during this long journey called weight loss.

It is really easy (easier) to keep your head in the game when you’re seeing losses on the scale. We are a very results oriented generation.  But what happens when the results are just not showing up quickly or at all? How do we stay focused on this journey during those tough moments.

There are so many things that can empower us to find the strength to push forward toward our goals. I personally have used a multitude of different ways over the years. By no means are my ways and tricks the only way. My methods may not work for someone else in fact,  they may not work for me now but they did at one time, and they may work again in the future. That said, this list is it in no way comprehensive.

  1. Goal clothing.  I have personally used this methid in the past. I found a dress that had a vintage flair to it… I love 50s style dresses. I bought it, even though it did not fit. I hung that dress on my bedroom door so that every day I would see the dress and remember what I was working toward. I have heard lots of other people doing this, and it can be quite beneficial.
  2. Accountability partners. Sometimes, knowing that someone else is waiting for your report is enough to keep our head in the game. It is easier to slip up and fall off the bandwagon when you know that no one is going to know about it or care about. And over the years I have use this quite a bit with various people. (Thank you Sherry, Julie, Donna and some others.). 
  3. Sometimes just knowing that people are watching is enough to empower us enough to keep us on track! Tell people that you are on a mission to lose weight.  Knowing that people are watching me makes me ignore the snack table at work!
  4. Weight loss meetings. I know there are different meetings out there. I have a friend that goes to a meeting at her church. They have motivational talks, a weigh in  and sometimes they exercise together. Her program is neat because if they gain they put money into a piggy bank… The money goes to missions project so it is a good cause. I personally went to Weight Watchers for quite a while. The meetings were instrumental in my first successful weight loss and the lessons I learned helped shape me and teach me so that I’m prepared for my current weight loss journey.  But the best part of Weight Watchers for me was the meetings.   There are a few different aspects of a weight-loss meeting that can come into play. The first is the fact that it offers accountability. Knowing that I was going  going each week kept me on track. A weight-loss meeting can also give us new ideas, encouragement andthe spark   needed to keep fighting for a healthier life.
  5. Success stories. When I am working, focused and losing weight and happen to stumble upon a success story, I have always gobbled up the words.  It was an excellent reminder to me that weight loss is possible!  And yes, I said to myself each time, “if they can do it...so can I!” 
  6. Pictures. Sometimes we can’t see our progress. Sometimes we can’t see ourselves what we really are. There have been a couple times in my life where I have had to see a picture of myself before I knew that I had to get myself on track! In Lori’s success story she talked about a picture that showed her the unhappy overweight girl. A picture that sparked her and got her  head into the game. On the opposite end of the spectrum though sometimes we can’t see our success either and when we see a picture it finally sinks in and empowers us. At the peak of my weight loss (the first go-round), I looked in the mirror and I still saw the fat Maryfran. And I had people close to me tell me that I was unrecognizable… My own dad saw me sitting on his porch while he and my mom drove up and he asked my mom who that was on his porch. But I still didn’t get it. There was one picture that cemented it for me and really helped me stay focused. My then husband one day was flipping through pictures on his computer and I happened to look over and see a picture of a woman posing for him. Immediately I got angry. Who in the world what is this Skinnywoman? (A natural reaction for someone that is in a failing marriage.). He started laughing immediately. The picture was me. 
  7. Reward. Over the years I also set up reports for myself. I look forward to getting those rewards. Sometimes it was small things… A charm for my weight-loss bracelet, a new pair of shoes or something that. I wanted. For a bigger milestone losses I chose bigger. I bought a new camera for one of my large milestone weigh ins. And knowing that you will get something you want as a reward can be motivating.
  8. Complements.  These are amazing when you get them and  go so far toward helping us feel empowered to push forward. I’ve had a few experiences that stick out in my mind...compliments that really meant a lot. You really don’t have much control over this one. But there is nothing like a complement on your success that motivates one to stay the course better. And it takes a while for people to notice your effort… But the compliments will help you keep up the effort. Just one word of caution, people are afraid to compliment so don’t be upset if you don’t hear the compliments!  I had people that were afraid to comment and complement me. One year for July 4 I saw friends of my parents for the first time in a year or so and they didn’t stay on the word even though I had lost about 100 pounds at that point.  The next day my mom called me and gave me the compliment over the phone. Their friends had called them to make sure that I wasn’t sick because I had lost so much weight when they found out that it was just hard work and pier effort they were profuse in there complement to my mother. There are also some people that won’t make comments simply because weight is such a taboo subject in our society. But you will get compliments, saver and treasure them.

As I said earlier, this list is in no way comprehensive.  There are so many ways and tricks to stay focused during this weight loss journey.   It is all dependent upon ones personality.  

Monday, August 13, 2018

Mind over Matter

Ahhh another weekend!  Delightful!  It is actually still ongoing as we both have a vacation day today (Monday!). But what a weekend it has been this far!  Of course the normal weekend housecleaning was done and the grocery shopping and errands...they were finished first thing so that we could enjoy the weekend to the fullest!   I rediscovered the phrase ‘mind over matter’.  We hit up some fun events, we visited one of our favorite places to go as a couple, and we have spent time together.   Oh and let’s not forget the celebration of a birthday!!!

Mind over Matter

Years back when I was running a lot, I got in the habit of literally having to ask myself ‘are you dying’, Simply because I wanted to give up when things got hard.  I wanted to give up so badly that my head told me I was dying!.  It was a constant in my head as I pushed myself harder and further each time I went out.   Now,  I can’t take credit for the question.   Anyone that watched ‘The Biggest Loser’ tv show years back hear Jillian Michaels scream at the contestants ‘are you puking or dying?  No...then keep going’   And my brother has told me on many times that it’s a mental battle...our minds are honestly convinced that we are dying!  But his advice is that  that in reality we are not dying.   Our bodies are amazing things...if things do get too precarious, then our bodies will shut down and we will pass out...which is the bodies way of re-regulating us, cooling us down, calming our breathing and heart rate...etc.  I don’t know how true that is, since I’m not a doctor.  But it makes sense.

A few months ago we went biking on a trail at the Little Bennet Park.  It was difficult on my old bike but I worked it...and walked quite a bit of the uphills.  I mentioned it to my brother.  In a brotherly way, he reminded me that I wasn’t going to die...that I should have kept riding and not walked!   Yesterday, on my new bike we went back to that same trail.   I’m not used to my bike, so at times I was quite terrified as I don’t really know how my bike will handle in certain situations.  And I almost went down...I somehow saved myself from falling into a pit of mud that I was trying to avoid. (And my bike gave me my first set of bruises as I wrestled with the bike to keep from falling in the aforementioned mud pit.).  But I wanted to ride  the WHOLE climb up the fire road (which I previously walked). And I was determined to ride the whole trail without putting my feet down.   That meant NO breaks and NO walking up the inclines!!!   I managed the fire road.  The trail...wowzer!  I was pushing it!  Hard.  I was breathing like a freight train!  I just wanted it to end...the last bit was bad.  (At one point I even muttered a prayer ‘Dear God when will it end!’  All I could think about was coming to the trail head, getting my bike an inch off the trail and laying down in the grass!  I was pushing it HARD!  So hard that from behind me Jason said ‘it’s not worth killing yourself’.  But by that point I knew I was close to the end and I KNEW I was going to complete it unless my body MADE me stop!  I counted my breathing to try to regulate the gasps for air!   I pushed!  And when I rolled my tires off the dirt trail into the grass at the trailhead I wanted to cry from the exhaustion exhilaration.  I sat on the grass for a bit...sipping water and then I was ready to load up the bikes and head home and on to our next activity.


Bike Race

Next up in the weekend fun was a bike race! No...not one in which I was participating!!!  I was a spectator!!!
It is touted as the only race of its kind in America!   I went to it a few years back with my parents and brother’s family.  Now that We live in Frederick where the event it held and the fact that Jason has  never been to the race, it was decided that we should attend.   It is a high wheel race.   Definitely neat to see.   Some riders come decked out in period style clothes.  

Some riders are on new bikes...some riders are on old vintage bikes (the oldest bike in the race was from the late 1880’s early 1890’s)
The winner just ripped it up!  In this race the riders have 30 minutes to make as many laps as possible.  The winner actually passed and lapped the second runner up!   He was strong the whole way through!!!  He was actually from Sweden, and if I understood the race announcer right, the winner is the owner of the only place that is still.  making high wheel bikes...in the world. So here is a picture of the winner.

We were not at the finish line...that was around the corner on a different block...but our spot was perfect...shaded...front line and they had speakers set up so we could hear the announcers....but we didn’t need to brave the wall to wall people that was crowding the finish line area.  It was fun...and added walking to our list of activities...as we parked way out and walked down to the town center!  And Frederick had done a nice job with their downtown area!

A Visit South
The birthday boy (ok and myself also) decided to head south into Virginia to stay in Front Royal for a night.  We have always just really liked this area.  We have spent a lot of time in this area...it’s the closest access to the Shenandoah National Park and the pretty Skyline Drive and miles upon miles of hiking!  Here is a picture from a January hike.


A second bike ride
We took our bikes to Virginia with us.   I had grand plans...I found a mountain bike trail last year.   (Sherando Park) We actually hiked it.   I didn’t remember it as being too rough...so we headed in that direction.    Oh yeah...it was a bit over my head in technical skills!  Walking it made it seem easy...but it was a bit more than I could handle on a bike!!!   I was creeping and had to walk my bike around some steep downhill switchbacks and up some technical rocky inclines.  Ohh...and my legs were shot from the day before at the Little Bemnet Park ride.  And as if that wasn’t enough. The skies that were blue turned dark and lightening started to pop in the sky.  So it was a short ride.  Luckily we cut it short as it was a downpour of rain within 15 minutes or so after we got off the bikes.

We relaxed the rest of Saturday evening in Front Royal...visiting our favorite stores and eating at our favorite choice for dinner.  

Food and weight
My weight was looking good at each weigh in.  But I am nervous about the scales...I was ravenous on Sunday!  To the point of headaches from hunger.  I ate way over my normal calorie range.  I try to keep it at 1200-1300....I ate 2100 calories.  I did burn some biking though...so that’s good!

Monday plans
We are still in Front Royal.  We will make our way home today. We plan on trying to ride today...if the weather cooperates.  It may be on the canal...the deluge of rain from yesterday (and the overnight rain that I believe we got) will have probably made the mountain bike trails too wet.  Overall though, I think it will be a relaxing day.

I will not forget the mind over matter lesson!  I experienced great joy and satisfaction from pushing myself and conquering what I set out to do!  My body is responding to my efforts.  My legs grow stronger and my endurance builds. I will be back to the mountain bike park that we visited near Front Royal. I will conquer it.  It may not be next week...or even next month.  I have some skills to learn and some comfort to gain on my bike...and a bit more endurance to build.  But mark my words, I’ll be back...with a vengeance!

Friday, August 10, 2018

Overweight and Healthy

Healthy? Me? No way!! I weigh 240-some pounds (dropping though)! Take one look at me, I am not the vision of health. However, when a coworker had to come up with one word to describe me, his word was healthy.


The paranoid side of me immediately jumped to the negative. I’m healthy and robust… A healthy eater… Healthy sized… But in all honesty, I am pretty sure this coworker didn’t mean it that way. (This is obviously not the nasty coworker.) His comment really made me think about and evaluate  where I am in this journey.   Guess what, I am pretty healthy. My weight may not show it at the moment, but I’m pretty healthy.


So what makes me healthy? What made this coworker classify me as healthy?  Even at an o see weight?  I came up with a few thoughts.


  1. My water consumption.   I always drink a fair amount at work. I drink multiple bottles of water. Most people sit with a soda on their desk. Of course some do sit with a bottle water at their desk but the water level never changes. OK, so that could be a reason why he called me healthy. 


  1. My food.  I don’t order out with everyone… I stick to fruits and vegetables. I don’t go down to the cafeteria every morning and get a muffin, waffle or other breakfast foods. If I need something… It’s usually a fruit or vegetable. OK… That’s a very healthy habit that would get me classified as a healthy person. 


  1. I am not the only one that  walks on their breaks and lunches. I am however probably one of the only few that do it consistently.  I walk every  day possible.  I am also pretty sure that I am the only one on our team that keeps tennis shoes and socks in my drawer to make my lunchtime walk more pleasurable. Yeah, that’s pretty healthy.


  1. When asked what I do on any given weekend… I mention bike riding or hiking if that’s what I did. Most of my teammates mention shopping, movies, watching TV… OK I do those things also, but I usually get at least something active into my weekend.


  1. Throwing into the mix is the fact that I don’t call out sick all the time….I never have at this job. I don’t sneeze and cough and hack while at work… I don’t limp around or talk about my aches and pains. So at first glance it does appear that my body  is in pretty decent shape also.


I am not discounting the fact that my weight is very unhealthy. But in the grand scheme of things…there are five healthy things versus one unhealthy trait, and not even a trait...more a a characteristic. I guess we can see which side the scales are tipped on.  Definitely the healthy side wins out. Isn’t that crazy to think about?


I’ve called myself a fit fat person in the past. Even while overweight, I ran a lot of races. I even rode some bike events while overweight. I did Zumba classes…High intensity...multiple classes.  I was overweight but I was pretty active. It’s the truth… You can be fit but still be fat. The fit though should eventually eradicate the fat.


So even though I am overweight… I guess I can call myself healthy. That is a totally new way of thinking for this 200+ pound girl.



And my quick update.  I have ridden my bike EVERY DAY this week!  My muscles (and butt) are getting used to the new bike and bike seat and I can feel a difference in my legs and how I feel...just from 5 days straight of riding.


My weight...

Last week: 242.4

This morning:  241.6


Loss this week: 0.8

Total loss: 78.4lbs

Loss since restart in June:  13 lbs

My weight was up for most of the week.  I wasn’t happy...but I just kept following my plan.  And it’s back down.   The ‘range’ plan is working well for me.  As long as I am within spitting distance from my low weight (3 pounds is what I’m aiming for) I am ok!  


I am concerned about this weekend...we have a three day weekend..a bit of traveling...and a birthday celebration. So my eating may be out of whack!!!   I should be active though!!!   

Wednesday, August 08, 2018

Eating our emotions

Some interesting days!   I had some revelations  about the stress eating cake to light during the last few days  as I continue to process the issues at work and how I handled them on Thursday night when I chose to not indulge in excess food.   And of course i have now lived with my new bike for a few days...

Eating our Emotions

An update on how things are going at work?  So the stressful situation at work is obviously still there. It will be there until either I switch jobs or this other employee  leaves the team/company.  Friday and Monday were much better....she didn’t show up for work.  Furthermore more of my coworkers talked to me and told me how they are behind me 100% and confirmed my suspicions that this other person is just highly jealous.  That makes it better..somewhat. But in the morning my stomach still clenches tight waiting for whatever fresh hostility would be coming my way, because I’m sure it will read it’s ugly head again....sooner or later .  I am relieved when she is MIA (which she is quite often!).  

Ok ok ok, enough about the update...what about my revelations?   On Thursday night I wanted to eat but I chose to not eat my emotions.   (And yes I was proud of myself.).  On Friday morning I wanted to dive headfirst into some kind of amazing food as I worried about the day to come.  But I didn’t!   I didn’t because I realized a few key factors.   

* I recognized that my desire to eat all sorts of food was a coping mechanism.   A very unhealthy coping mechanism. This coping mechanism is to eat my emotions....food will bring me comfort. Af least that is what my mind tells me.  I recognized the desire to eat for exactly what it was....not as true hunger  but as an effort to eat my emotions.  

* I recognized that eating my emotions would only delay this process of losing weight.  If I was LUCKY it would cause me to have a maintain on the scales. But an indulgence would most likely lead to a gain in the scales.   I sooooo did not want that!!  

* Once I recognized the previous two things, it was an easy conclusion to realize that caving to the desire to eat my emotions would only lead me to be more stressed...because I would then have the stress of the scales not moving on top of the work drama stress.  

* In conclusion, the biggest  shock of them all?  I got as much comfort....ok more....from the arms of Jason wrapped around me holding me tight as he listened to everything.   So seriously...find a good man (life partner) and problem solved!   Sorry ladies...Jason’s taken!   Now just to remember this lesson next time...no food, hugs from Jason instead...no food, hugs from Jason instead...no food, hugs from Jason instead!  (How many times do I have to repeat this until I remember it!!)

Food

I have been on target with my eating.   I had one minor bobble on Sunday night.   I made muffins for work. 

I ate some.  It was totally accounted for and I remained within my caloric goal!!!!

The beautiful bike

We rode on Sunday...a nice long ride!   On Monday we started a new habit!   We got home and immediately took the bikes out on the local little path!!

Granted we weren’t out there long.   But that was my fault.   The trail was flooded and I didn’t want to get my bike dirty!!!

On Tuesday we repeated it!  But this time the water had receeded and I deemed it ok to take my little beastly baby onward!   

It’s amazing how good I feel from that extra exercise in the evening!!!

Weight

My weight was at a low this weekend...and it has popped way up.  I’m disgusted.  But I’m ok with it.   Well not ok with it...but not distraught about it!!!  I think the biggest thing for me is the mystery of why!   Why has it popped up?   I know the first day was because I had inadvertently gotten dehydrated.   But that was taken care of.  The next day was the muffin day...was it the carbs?   But that was a few days ago.  I have ridden and excercised more so my muscles are getting a workout ...could that be it???   I just know that my weight is standing still at this higher weight.  I’m not giving up...the scales will catch up to my efforts!!!!







Sunday, August 05, 2018

It’s a girl!

A while back Jason  and I decided that we wanted to expand our ‘family’.   Come on now...when we found our apartment we made sure we had a spare bedroom/den. We knew we would need the extra space.   We have been working toward this goal for a while and it is time to announce it!!!   We have welcomed a new girl to the family!!!  Wanna see her??

Isn’t she a beast???  Welcome to our family Ms. Trek!

 Yes, we seriously started bike shopping a few weeks ago .  I almost hit the trigger last weekend on this same bike (different color)...but that bike shop didn’t have it in stock and said that there wasn’t any available yet in my size and it wouldn’t be available until mid September.  I actually started the paperwork to order it...and when he quoted the price it was 400 bucks more in price .  When I questioned him he said ‘oh you were looking at the 2018 model and the one you are ordering is the 2019 model.   I put the purchase on hold and he emailed me the quote.   I later found out when I looked at the email that he took it upon himself to ‘upgrade me’ to a higher (Yes...better but out of my price range) model.  He lost that sale!  So we kept looking.  More bike shops this weekend.  On Saturday...and on Sunday we headed in a different direction to hit up more shops!   And I hit pay dirt.   We found a bike shop that carried a LOT of brands of bikes...Scott, Trek, Santa Cruz, Cannondale and Felt.  So I had options and was able to really compare in person!  The Trek gave me the best bang for my buck.  And what do you know....they had one in my size.  They had a black matte one in my size...and I really liked that color.....but it was the 2018 model and while it was about $100 cheaper it was missing a component that I really wanted!  So I went with the light green (seafoam green???) color.  

Yes it hurt to spend the money!!!   I don’t like spending money!!!

We put my bike on top of the car and headed home to pick up Jason’s bike and hightailed it to the canal.   While the bike was purchased for mountain bike trails, I wanted to spend some time on the bike on an easy path before I hit up something more difficult. It is a dream to ride. I do have to get used to the fact that I sit on the bike and feel ‘higher’.  I’m not in any way stretching to reach the ground...it’a just the different geometry of the bike (and bigger tires) that make me feel this way.  And well...I sit differently on this bike so my muscles are a bit achy after riding.

It was muddy...and my new baby girl got quite dirty!!!

I did stop and enjoy the sites...it wasn’t all ogling my new bike!!

We ended up quite dirty on this ride....But don’t worry...we hit up a car wash on the way home!!!

So the extra room....aka the bike bedroom has a new occupant...my new baby girl!!!  It’s getting crowded in there with four bikes!!!

I chose a hard tail.  I originally had a few ‘must haves’.      I wanted full suspension...but the price jump for a really nice  hard tail to an entry level full suspension bike was just too much for me right now.   I also wanted a dropped post (a button that I can press to make my seat drop or raise).  Jason wanted a few things for my bike also.  I’m happy to say that my bike has all the must have’s..mine and Jason’s...except for the full suspension.  Even without the full suspension, I’m quite happy.  

Let the fun begin...and welcome home little green girl!  Little...Hahahah this bike is a beast she’s not ‘little!’

Don’t they look nice together???

And yes...we have noticed that the labeling on his Santa Cruz matches the color of my bike!!!!



Friday, August 03, 2018

Take that: Stress comes to haunt my weight loss efforts

A month or so ago I wrote about some stress at work.  It was bad!   The stress simmered down and I was doing ok and things were peaceful at work.  In the meantime, I have gotten my eating under control.  So what happened when that stressful thing at work reared it’s ugly head again?  

There is a person at work that..well...she has taken an intense dislike for me.  I know exactly why. She had  made it clear whenever I moved ahead of her in terms of training (we started at the same time and since I learn quickly, I moved through the slow process of training at a faster rate than her).  I know this because she would message me telling me how angry she was with ME whenever I got moved to the next step of training.  Not very subtle eh?   Well she had gotten more subtle.   She jumps on every and anything I do.   I wrote about a month ago about the stress resulting in me not participating in a purchased lunch. It got really ugly.   Really ugly!  There were some very rude and cruel comments made by her...and my other teammates jumped on the bandwagon at that time.   But I overcame them..and by holding my head high, the people that laughed at and with her comments came around and had their eyes opened a bit.  Well it all simmered down until yesterday.   And now it’s back!!  Yesterday was extremely hostile! (Always when the manager/supervisor was not present...of course.   And mostly just one main person...)

I started my day yesterday (before the drama)  with a headache and it just intensified with the stress and open hostility.  I actually grabbed a more substantial lunch (versus my primarily fruit and veggie lunch that was packed), I downed some Advil, I drank caffeine and I tried to keep the headache at a mid level roar.   But by the evening I was a basket case.  I wanted to eat!!   I wanted to eat all sorts of things!!!  Bring on the snacks...the desserts...the candy...I wanted it all!!!

I didn’t indulge  though!!!  I held it together and made wise food choices.  

I worked my altered lunch into my calorie tracker.   I stuck with my planned dinner which was by some miracle already lower in calories.  I ignored the after work snack.  I DID indulge in a bit of ice cream after dinner.  (Small portion!!).  But I held it together!!!

And my weight showed a loss this morning.   I was 242.6.   That is down even further!   So my official loss from my high weight in  mid to late June is 12 pounds!   That makes my ‘acceptable weight range’ 242.6 to 242.6, to account for my daily fluctuations!  That range keeps going lower and lower!   I like it!!!!  I especially like my weight this morning...because that loss is in the face of stress and upset!!!  Take that!!!



Tuesday, July 31, 2018

Scales are stupid: and other stupid things

This is the politically incorrect post.  I will be calling myself all sorts of  things I’m sure!   And I will be sharing a bit of a victory...even on the stupid scales!   But really, stupidity  is what is the theme!  Scales are stupid!  Pictures and cameras and people are stupid!!!  They are all my nemesis!!!   I have had experiences with all in the last few days and all I can say is...they are stupid!!

Scales are Stupid

I weigh myself every day.  I do it because I want to know the fluctuations.  I have always had this fear that if I only weigh once a week that I’ll be having a high weight day on my official weigh in day...the one day of the week maybe, and I won’t get my true weight.  I want to know if the ‘high weight’ is a one day fluke or a true weight.  I also find myself panicking more if I don’t know how I’m doing.    

Seriously, weighing every day shows how stupid the scales are!  There really is is no rhyme or reason sometimes to what they say!   I have been spot on the last few days...limiting my carbs...good level of calories...etc and the scales go up?  Senseless!

In order to not get so totally bummed out with the fluctuations, I have started to look at my weigh in terms of ‘range’.    I look at my low weigh fans as long as I am within three pounds of that I consider it a maintain!   Monday and Tuesday , even though I was up a bit from my low, I was still well within that range.  So I was maintaining even though the scales were jumping all over the place!    And I am seeing the lower numbers a few times a week.  And the low numbers are slowly dropping lower and lower.  As in today.....today, Wednesday I saw 243.4....a new low (which means my three pound range changed...a maintain is anything from 243.4 to 246.4).   So I know I’m on the right path.  But seriously...scales are stupid!!!

Pictures are stupid

I wrote a few days ago that I joined an 8 week challenge   As part of this challenge I had to take pictures of myself.  Front view, side view and back view.  I did this last night...and uploaded them.  When I saw the pictures I was so disgusted!  How did I let myself get here?  What realm of fantasy have I been living in to think that I didn’t look ‘too fat’?    It was bad.  So bad that I don’t even want to post them here!

My self loathing began as soon as I saw them.   Seriously bad self loathing...wondering why Jason loves me.  Wondering why I even bother.  Wondering what in the world have I been thinking...I am so dumb!   

It has to change!!!!!   I have actually changed my diet recently I am working on it… I just need to not hate myself for letting me get to this point again.

People are stupid

So this weekend we went bike shopping for me. We went into one little bike shop and he asked what kind of bike I wanted to buy.  I told him a mountain bike for trails.   He walked me to the cruisers and told me all about the C&O canal ‘trail’.  When I corrected him and told him that I had a bike for the canal, but needed a mountain bike for real trails he just started to laugh.  Literally laughed in my face.  And repeated my request  incredulously!!!  Really?  Is it that odd for an overweight person to buy a mountain bike?  And furthermore...how absolutely rude are you.  And it was the owner of the shop!!!!   He didn’t carry any bikes that would work for me...he was primarily a repair shop....but even if he did...I wouldn’t be back.  I don’t need more of his shock and awe over my fat body riding a bike!    He he was stupid!!!

OK, I think all of my stupid things are out of me and I have vented enough. I actually am very proud of myself for the way I have been eating the last week or two.  And I’m tickled that my weight dropped again today!!    My body feels pretty good for the most part with what I’m eating. My downfall is still that snacktime right after I get home from work.But I am also working on that. On Monday  I ate two big marshmallows… So I didn’t exactly eradicate the snack but I’m going to say to giant marshmallows are much healthier than a bowl of chips! So a step in the right direction.