Monday, January 21, 2019

Holding steady: sometimes a day or two of maintaining is good

Another week before us.......

We had a quiet weekend.  We ran a few errands but mostly just relaxed at home.  We just felt sluggish all weekend, lacking energy.   Of course maybe the weather had something to do with it (we are always more sluggish as we recover from the long work week...but this was worse!). We didn’t feel bad, we just felt lazy.   On Saturday it was overcast and rainy!  Sunday was just cold and blustery.   Good days to stay inside!

My weekend low weight was nice.  8/10ths of a pound down.  I’ll take that.   Predictably, this morning my weight was up a bit.  I’m not going to stress about it....I’m still within the three pound range that i am ok with fluctuating in.   I know that I had a lot more sodium laden foods this weekend.  I also know my water consumption was way down so I know that has played a part.  (Maybe just a wee part, but it has its part!).   My food wasn’t perfect, higher on the weekends then weekdays.   And I’m ok with that.  I tracked it and THAT is my main goal!!!

I am rolling into the week and my goal is STILL to continue tracking every bite.  But this week I am going to continue to work on eliminating the snacks!  That after work snack gets me, and I don’t need it.  I’m perfectly fine without.    

So that’s my weekend recap! It wasn’t bad in terms of my health, more of a maintain effort!   I’ve been thinking about some things about self worth and taking care of ourselves.   Hopefully I can get that into words for a post soon!   But right now, it’s time to head into work!

Friday, January 18, 2019

I will not give up: kicking weight loss in the.....

It’s finally Friday!   I am so ready for the weekend!   It had been a long week of learning as I settle into my new temporary team and the work expected of me.   I will only be with this team temporarily...and then I will go back to the original team I was training to join.   Yeah, it’s confusing...a new temporary team...a new permanent team and my old team.   I found myself just yesterday answering questions from coworkers about the new permanent team and corresponding work, the new temporary team and corresponding work and then to make it more fun, I received aomw questions via email about the old team and needing advice on something there.  Are you kidding me???   Oh keeps my mind sharp!!

My week in my healthy lifestyle changes?  The reason that this site was started?   Well yes I guess I can share how my week went!   My eating was pretty much spot on! I managed to avoid both the after work snacks and the post dinner desserts.  The after work snacks truly are just a habit so after the first day or so where I broke that habit I was ok!    The after dinner dessert.  The first thing I did was make sure that the dessert that was in the house were not things that I struggle to avoid!  (I’m not going to make Jason five uo his dessert just because I am giving up mine!)   I also went back for a small second serving of dinner to ‘fill up’ with more nutritious foods versus still being slightly hungry resulting in a dessert being eaten.  

I also ate very nutritiously.   I had lots of salads and lots of fruits and veggies.  So while my weight popped back up in that weird cycle thing it’s doing. The cycle had been going on since this past summer.  I have a low weigh ins over the weekend, my weight pops up high on the weekdays and then drops again on the weekends!  It’s quite annoying!  As frustrated as I was with the scales, I didn’t let it derail me!  I pushed forward and ate nutritiously and kept things in check!!!    

The weekend weather is supposed to be interesting..snow? Maybe.  But most likely rain and freezing rain (mostly...some snow also).  And cold...really cold!   Yuck!!!!  We will have fun anyway!!!

I’ve got this!!!  I can get this weight off!   I will not give up!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Weight journey and shifting emotions

Finding happiness in this journey is a mixed bag of success and failure!  On any given day I can go from satisfied with my progress to utter despair at where I am. It seems as if my emotions are swinging wildly in every direction!   I’m happy with myself one minute but then shortly thereafter, I’m almost in tears at the state that I have allowed my body to disintegrate into.

Last Saturday I stepped onto the scale for my official weekly weigh in.  I was hoping to see good results for my first week and a half of this new month (and new year).  I waited for the scales to settle and then looked down at the number on the scale. I quickly calculated my numbers and saw that I had managed a 2 pound loss in the first week and a half!   Victory!!!!!  I barely refrained from dancing a jig right there on the scales!   I followed my normal morning routine and stepped into the shower after my weigh in.  And that is where I had an immediate and complete change in my thought process.   Where I had looked at the difference in numbers just a few moments earlier, I was now focused on the actual number.  250.8.  Ouch!  How horrible is that?   I was filled with shame.  I was filled with fury at myself for allowing myself to get back to that point.   I was filled with utter despair at the long path before me!   In a matter of minutes I had gone from complete exhilaration to utter despair.  

My emotions really do run the gamut during a typical week.  It is crazy and I really have no clue how to rectify it.  I can tell myself to ‘just be happy’ with the process.  I can tell myself to settle in and enjoy the ride. And I do tell myself these things.  However, it’s been hard recently.  

I didn’t allow myself to give up after my Saturday weigh in and shift of emotions.  While my calories were higher over the weekend following that weigh in, it was not binge eating or even ‘I give up’ eating.  It was simply weekend eating ...or if you want to call it something it ‘living’.   (As a side note, I still ate well under the calorie level that Myfitnesspal says that I need to eat to maintain!  I was still in a ‘losing’ caloric range.)

However, my weight popped up on Monday.  (Which added to the discontent.). I haven’t let it deter me.  It had made me tighten my belt and dig in harder.  I KNOW that I have the mental fortitude to do this.  I just need my body to cooperate with my efforts!  I didn’t let the negative numbers slow me down.   I allowed the emotions to run through me and I looked at those numbers and said ‘I won’t let you get to me, I WILL just work harder!’   I used thenegative emotions to push me harder.

One thing I thought about today in my shower.  (Why yes...I do have deep thoughts in the shower...and while I am out running!). My thought was that I need to get back to the ‘three pound range’.   Last summer I instituted a three pound rangefew with in my mind.  It basically is a plan that I take the lowest number I’ve seen on the scales and as long as I’m fluctuating within 2-3 pounds, I’m ok...normal fluctuation.   So at my current most recent low weight of 250.8 I would be within ‘fluctuation’ range as long as I remained lower than 253.8.    This is just one more way to take away that stigma of in fact embrace it!  In embracing the fluctuations I am devaluing the message that the scales give me, which will lessen the impact that those numbers have.

I know that my feelings are swinging wildly in all directions as I embark (reembark) upon this road to health.  And yes, I refuse to say on this path to thinness....because that is not my ultimate ultimate goal is health!   Being thin is a side affect...a fabulous side affect.   I don’t know why they are swinging wildly, but the only thing I can do is to make sure that when they are negative that I use the negative thoughts to spur me forward!  The other thing is that for some reason I have not been turning toward prayer about this journey.  I pray about numerous other things on a daily basis, but I haven’t been turning to prayer in regards to this journey. I have made that adjustment.   Meanwhile, I push forward!

This journey toward health is an emotional one.   There ARE so many conflicting emotions that run the gamut in terms of how we feel.   They are not going to go away.  They will be there. It’s another thing that we need to embrace. Once we embrace those feelings we can turn them to positive.   We can figure out a way to make them less impactful.  We can also figure out how to turn the negative emotions into motivation  to propel us further toward our goals.  They aren’t a bad thing, these emotions are all part of the healing process as I get healthy!

And just is another picture from our weekend walk in the snow!  

Monday, January 14, 2019

Weekend weight loss

Ahhh what a weekend!  I was so ready for the weekend after the last week of work.  (Ok, I’m really ready each weekend, butast week even more so!). I was anxious to get my official weight for the week and I was looking forward to the quietness and relaxation of the weekend!  I was was also determined to add some activity back into my life this weekend!  

So let’s start with the weight!   I showed exactly 2 pounds down for this new year.  (1.6 down for the last week).  Not too shabby!  But that brings me to my deep thought of the day.   How crazy is it crazy how our minds work!  I lost 2 pounds this new year (woohoo). yet I had to tamp down disappointment and disgust  at what the scales showed!  I don’t like the numbers I see.  I’m working to change those numbers, and I showed results...but I still cringed when I saw the numbers.  In reality I should have been jumping up and down with joy!  (Which would have also incidentally burned an extra calorie or two had I literally jumped up and down!). It shows how skewed our minds really get!!!  

I stumbled across an old picture of me this weekend. Part of me feels sad that I let this go!  But part of me is super motivated to get it back!!!!

My eating was about what I expected this weekend.  I was higher than my projected range.  I’m ok with this. I didn’t binge eat.  I didn’t overeat.  I didn’t go crazy with desserts.  I just had higher calorie foods...and I knew I was doing it when it happened.  It was a conscious decision.  I am not in this to live a life of total deprivation...I’m in this to live a life of health and balance.  That means that some days could be considered a failure ..but that’s ok!   I’m giving myself permission to have those days of ‘failure’.    How and I rebounding?  My lunch is packed for work salad and some fruit!   Since I indulged this past weekend, no snacks after work this upcoming week!   It’s a trade off....a balancing act!

So more good news?    On Saturday we did our errands early and headed to a local park so that Jason could fly his drone before the snow hit..  Instead of standing there immobile, I took the opportunity to walk around the field that he was standing in!  It wasn’t a whole lot, but 1.5 miles is better than none!!!!!    Even more?   On Sunday we headed out in the snow and walked 3.5 miles!  (Hard miles in a couple inches of snow!)

I am happy with my weekend.  I’m ready to face this upcoming week of healthy living!  I’m a bit stressed about some changes at work and a new activity that I will be embarking upon today. (Stressed enough and nervous enough that I kept dreaming and waking up about it.).  I’m not going to eat my stress though!!!!!!   I w got this!   Here comes Healthy Maryfran!!!

Thursday, January 10, 2019

Week in review : first week

Welcome to Friday, the perfect day to really dream and look forward to the weekend before me!  (Ok ok ok, so I start looking forward to the weekend on Monday mornings...but on Fridays the dreaming gets serious!).  Friday is also the perfect opportunity to recap my experiences over the week and to check in on my monthly goal for January  and how I’m doing!

I have four basic goals for January....
1.  Track every bite of food
2.  Put money into my savings
3.  Weight less than I do now!  I don't care if it's a measly ounce...I want to weigh less!
4.  Do something active (a walk suffices) at least 3 times a week.

I am so very proud to say that I have nailed the tracking!   And I nailed it good!   I have tracked every stinking morsel that went into my mouth...and I tracked honestly...I didn’t underestimate or anything!  I am so on target with this one that it’s crazy!   I had a minor glitch one night when myfitnesspal was acting the fool and wouldn’t let me add anything....but waiting a few hours and then trying again did the trick!!  (And yes...I was a bit panicked when it wasn’t working because...seriously...this is one goal that I have COMPLETE control over and I didn’t want to mess it up!)

Savings?  Well I haven’t had a paycheck yet this it came in.  I plan on moving some money to savings right off the bat (tomorrow when I sit down and pay some bills)..but it hasn’t been done yet, simply due to timing!  

Weigh less?   So far so good...I lost 1.8 pounds in the first days of I’m on target.    I am watching my weight and I’ve been sitting at the same weight lost all week (maybe one day or so where I had a slight uptick on the scale). I am hoping that the old pattern of weight loss from last summer holds true and that Saturday morning shows a nice loss!!  (I have an official mid week weigh in on Wednesday...that I share that weight with a friend who weights in at weight watchers on that day and that showed down 1.8 pounds...and I have my official official weigh in on Saturday!)

Activity goal?  I’ve failed miserably!  I was sick the first few days and remain a bit congested.  It’s been a tad rainy....a tad cold  outside and sprinkle that with a lot of excuses and you have me having walked/hiked only twice in the last 10 days!  I have honestly tried to do the steps more at work as I had to traverse between two floors at work throughout the day.   And just yesterday I reinstated the climb from the lobby to my work floor (8 flights) on my breaks/lunch. (Starting slow...not every break yet, but I’m starting!  

The weekend looms grandly before me.   I know we will get out (if possible) with the drone.  We finally received the extra batteries so he will have close to an hour of flight time versus 20 minutes.   I plan on going and walking/running while he flies his drone!   We have talked about finding a school track and field to go to for that dual purpose!   It is our grocery week so we have that errand.  But even bigger?  They are forecasting snow.  Just a couple of inches...but since we will both be home and not at work, we SHOULD be able to get outside and play!!!!  It should be a fun and active weekend!!!

So I displayed a mixed bag of victory and non-victories for the first week!   It wasn’t all bad, thank heavens!   The non-victory of exercise just gives me room for improvement!!!  But now the serious work begins....I’m past the newness and easiness of the first week or so of a new plan.  Now is when it gets serious!

Monday, January 07, 2019

Failure: it’s a good thing

Embrace failure. Yes, I just said embrace it!!!   Its a fact of life.  It’s going to happen, so why not embrace it and plan for it?    We start the year with resolutions but then face failure when we stumble.  We start a new plan or goal and then along the way encounter a bump in the road and experience failure.  It is bound to happen. And so many times when it does happen we throw up our hands and give up totally.  So for this reason, I am welcoming failure and upheaval this year!  I am embracing that it is going to happen!

What in the world am I talking about? I am saying that in no way shape or form am I aming for perfection in this journey that I am on.   It’s not a sustainable concept or mission on life for me and probably not for most people!  Life happens and life is definitely NOT perfect. So why do we expect our diet and health plans to always be perfect? 

I tried the perfect route before!  Over and over!  I’ve drawn lines in the sand and said ‘this is it’ time and time again!   I have also had incredible success with the “let’s be perfect route” on this healthy journey!  One look at these pictures and you can see the success!

I achieved that success with total restriction!  Seriously, I remember days where I would have a perfect day and get to the end of my day with some calories (ww points) still left and I would reward myself...with a small glass of grape juice!  Seriously?  Grape juice as a reward???   I was striving for perfection.

While perfection DID wasn’t sustainable!!!  Just look at my current picture and that is proven!!!

What happened????  Life happened!!!  I reached my goals and felt so amazing...but life happened.  I went on vacation    I had busy days at work.  I had a crumbling marriage.  Injuries.  You name it...but to sum it happened!!  And perfection wasn’t as easily or even possible to achieve and I stumbled...I stumbled big time!

This time around I’m allowing and even accepting failure.  It will happen.  So why not embrace it and figure out ways to keep failure at a minimum?  But how??

The main thing is that  I’m not setting any major goals in terms of weight I will lose each week/month/year.  My goal for January was to be less on the scales.   If that was one measly ounce...awesome it would be less!!!   I’m committed to tracking every bite I eat!   With such easy and loose ‘goals’, I’m allowing for failure! I can eat what I want....I just have to track it!    Somehow the simple act of tracking my food works for me in that being cognizant and aware of the food going into my mouth has made me very willing to keep it under control and stay within a set caloric range!   But the freedom of not vowing to stay within that range and having to lose weight gives me the freedom to be completely honest with myself when it comes to tracking.  I don’t ‘forget’ to put in something that I ate.  I don’t ‘accidentally’ misjudge my portion sizes.  I just put it down in black and white and it’s ok if I fail for the day.  Ironically enough...on Monday I was sure I went over that range of calories...but I was determined to be utterly honest and track it regardless!  I allowed myself the room for ‘failure’ in my eating....I embraced the fact that I will falter.  And by embracing it, I took away the ‘I messed up’ mentality and turned it into a complete victory!!!   

As a side note, I was sure I totally blew my numbers on Monday.  But  when I did go in and track...even though I messed up, I found that I was really not that far off ...maybe 30 calories over!!   How many times have I given up and gone off track for days or even weeks and months in the past because I thought that I had blown it by eating too much??  It has happened over and over because I wanted and expected perfection  and when perfection didn’t happen (even just in my mind) I gave up in disgusted failure!   But how many times could it have been like Monday where I was sure I messed up and if I just would have tracked found that I was actually doing well???  This time I embraced the possibility of failure and found that I really didn’t fail at all!!!

Embrace it...because failure WILL happan!  

Sunday, January 06, 2019

Rockin’ the first week of the year!

The first week of January is just about over, and the first weekend of the year is in the books.   We have had a pretty good start...thus far!

I am doing really well with tracking my food and while my goal is NOT to worry about my calories (this month at least)...I am finding that since I am tracking I am more open and apt to keeping my calories beneath a set level.   Unofficially I am working to stay between 1200 calories and 1500 calories.  Why that range?  1200 has always been the ‘magical’ figure that is used in weight loss as the lowest to go and that would theoretically give me a two pound loss each week.   1500 calories is theoretically causing a deficit that would allow me to lose one pound a week.  That is still a nice loss.  (Yes, I unashamedly admit that I would like the faster loss...but I also know that I want this to work and be a forever deal.....1200 calories is very restrictive and will eventually cause me to stumble.  1500 calories is more doable!). So I have been staying within my range...admittedly at the higher end on many days....but I’m there!!!

We had a quiet weekend.  Saturday started with me meeting a friend for breakfast. Of course I sent Jason a selfie and some texts whilst out with her!!! (Waiting for her to arrive.)

After breakfast she and I walked through target. (I needed a new band for my Fitbit!). I saw this journal...and I was so tempted to get it....but I knew I wouldn’t use wasn’t blank was preprinted for fitness and would be redundant with me posting here!  But still I was tempted...the $17.99 price tag deterred me!

After my breakfast outing, (food tracked of course) Jason and I ran some errands and we went to a local park to allow him to fly his drone.   It was a quiet and relaxing day.

 On Saturday...more of the same.  I however started my day by sleeping on the couch for an hour or two in the morning.  We ran into a few stores (For me, dollhouse supplies to make a new crib for the nursery!) We also hit  up a local trail and hiked for a while.  It was short but hey...I’ve been sick and still not completely well!  

It was a muddy hike (the trail was a muddy mess...bad enough to sink 2-3 inches in some places and for my foot to get stuck once!).  

After our hike, we gassed up my car for the work week ahead of us and headed to the park for our drone flying time!  It was windy so the batteries ran down pretty quick!!!  Booo!  But it was still fun!

We spent the evening planning and plotting our vacation this year.   The more it’s planned and ‘definite’ the more motivated I will be to get into shape. 

The new week is upon me...and so far I am rocking this new year!   I just need to get rid of this congestion and I’ll be on fire!!!!!