Thursday, November 18, 2010

Death of a Dream

Uhhhh yeah, I"ve been absent for a while.     And if you've read my blog for any length of time, you know what an absence means.  It means NOT good things.

I've gained a bit in the last few weeks.  Why is this so hard?

I'm kinda right now focusing on ME.  Not so much the eating me.  But I'm forcing myself to face some facts.  I've actually been meaning to write about this on here.  I wrote it in my private journal (in full detail way back on november 10th...just checked the date in that journal) and just never had the gumption to come on here and write it.  But then something else relation and it's thrown me into a deeper tailspin.

Ok...going back to a week ago.  I was thinking about goals and desires and dreams.  I realized that I'm somewhat afraid to dream and have big goals. Why was this though?   I started to think about some of the dreams I've had in the past.  The first one...I ALWAYS wanted to be a teacher.  Another one...It was always a foregone conclusion that I would be a parent....I just always knew.  There was another big one in the list that I'm not going to bring up right now...but it's a BIG one.  Well, when I identified those huge dreams....I realized that they have ALL bombed out...and BIG TIME.  Teaching...well, I wrote about that a while back.  NOT good.  The baby thing....for personal reasons we haven't even tried.  And the third one.....another huge negative.  I attempted to strive toward my dreams and goals and they have been  busted in a huge way.    As my dreams died, I have been shattered, depressed and just, well....not good.  In my melancholy moods, I became afraid to even dare to dream again.  The pain of losing those dreams and having them plucked from you (and sometimes in very hurtful and demoralizing ways) rendered me incapable of a lot.  I'm just drifting through my life aimlessly. No plans.  Just existing from day to day.

I've been struggling with this of late.  I recognize that there is a serious problem with having a lack of these intrinsically important things.  How does one take the step to dream again?  How does one even come up with dreams again?

Yesterday, I got hit with the news of a friend who is brought back all the emotions of my childless state. Yes, tears have fallen for me....even while I'm happy for my friend.   I just want to eat away my problems.  Todd had his follow up appointment after all the tests (which were in relation to the cancer scare and his digestive problems)....all came back clean....I just want to eat to celebrate.  Eating is all I have.  Yet eating adds to my desperation because I want to be thin.  I want to feel good about myself again.

Yet, I know that to truely feel good about myself, being thin is NOT enough. (I've been there once before and it didn't work...I felt good...but it wasn't enough....clearly as I gained the weight back).  I need to fix me from the inside out.  Now the question is how to do it?