The proverbial Rug

​I was so in line and going in the right direction…and then that rug was pulled right out from under me!   Yes…the rug was pulled out from under me and it totally messed with every positive thing I had implemented in my routine.

In my last post I was so positive.  I was tracking my food and watching what I ate.  I was working in the yard and doing Zumba.  I was hot on the trail of healthy living.   Things were going to ease up with time constraints and everything was fabulous!

Our apartment lease was up on July 2 and we made the last trip down…did everything we needed to do and said goodbye to that place!   I was so excited.  No more trips to Frederick to finish up moving/cleaning.  That would free up a weekend day!  I even made the comment  out loud,  ‘things will settle down now and we will have time to breathe’.   

Famous last words.

The very next day I received the type of  text and phone call that you never want to receive.  My mom was being taken to the hospital by ambulance.   I met her and my brother at the ER…and then they decided to take her by helicopter to a hospital 3 hours away, I followed as quickly as I could.

I had eaten nothing that day until I got to the hotel at 10…which is past my bedtime (hey I wake up really early every morning…).  Too tired to wait for delivery, I just ate some pringles/potato chips  that I bought from the hotel ‘kitchen/pantry’.   The next day my food choices were no better.  French fries AND onion rings from Burger King!  Healthy eating went out the window!  Ok, let’s be honest even being cognizant of my food choices was long gone also.   I ended up driving home and working Tuesday through Thursday..and then driving back to the hospital super early Friday morning.  I spent the three days at home  spending my time catching up from house chores that I had missed during the weekend and trying to get ahead for the upcoming weekend because I knew there was a good chance that I would be back in Pittsburgh at the hospital.  I ate snacks those three days.  I have long admitted that I’m a stress eater…so of course food was consumed.  And I was busy so no Zumba…and very little yard work was done by myself…I was busy doing laundry, getting groceries, cleaning, etc.

My second trip to Pittsburgh was no better with food.  I didn’t skip meals leaving  myself super hungry this time.  I just made horrible choices.  A cookie for lunch!  Why yes, that sounds delightful!  Why not do cookies again for breakfast!!!  Fried foods?  Why yes, I think I will!  My eating was ferociously horrid during my second trip to the Pittsburgh hospital also!

Mom has since been moved to a stroke rehab back here near her home.  A 30 minute drive for me.  So much more doable for visits.  So things have eased up.  But I remain stressed and worried about her.   I’m trying to pull myself back together in terms of my health…I’m really trying.  

Seeing mom struggle with a stroke has made me think more about my own health.  My weight is not healthy.  I am heading down a path toward health problems such as strokes, etc.   I know it.  Obesity is the pathway to so many debilitating and deadly diseases and conditions.  I know that I need to fix myself. My head is not in the sand. I know I need to change.

The problem?  My mind is at war.   The battle I am fighting you ask? The choice to: Eat what I want and feel the food addiction endorphins that make me feel better right now or eat healthy and feel better in the future.    On paper it seems clear….but it’s NOT clear in my head when it comes to actually making my food choices.  

I know I will regain my footing again…I know I can do it.  And I’m not promising that things will settle down…life doesn’t seem to work that way does it?

Addiction

It’s been a while since I wrote here.   I wish that I could say that my absence is due to the busy holiday season and no time.   And while it had been busy…and time has been crunched, that is not the reason.  I’ve been slipping in my weight loss journey.   You see, I’m an addict.  I have a serious food addiction and it has been slowly slipping out of control.

I had talked about food addictions for a while, but it wasn’t until one  Incident in 2007 that I was able to clearly see and understand the impetus behind my eating.     It all centered around a visit to a restaurant where I was usually able to eat relatively healthily.  But on that visit I chose to have a small piece of cake.  When I say small, I really mean small!  It was literally a one inch square.   I carried that morsel back to my table like it was a pot of gold.  I slipped that first bite into my mouth and I swear, I heard the angels sing!  It was pure heaven! I wanted more of that feeling!  I ate another bite..and another.   Soon that small piece of cake was gone.  But the angels had sang and I wanted to hear them again!  I went back for more cake and then pudding and pie and other desserts off that dessert bar.  I did it all in a futile effort to make the angels sing again.  Of course they didn’t sing…because through that 2007 incident I realized that The angels singing only happens on that first bite or two.  It’s the first bite of bliss that I am addicted too.  I know that…yet I keep eating to try to obtain that feeling.

I was doing really good before vacation.   I was slowly losing…and maintaining my weight on the weeks I didn’t lose.  But when I came back I began to struggle.  The best way to describe it is that the vacation opened the doors.  The food addiction angels had sang on my Vacation/honeymoon.   Getting back on track was difficult because I was chasing that food addiction.  

Ohh, I didn’t go totally off the rails at first.  I was half heartedly fighting it.  I was still sorta tracking.  I was still trying here and there.  But each day; my weak hold over my addiction wavered and slipped further and further out of my grasp.  I was never eating crazily.  I was just starting to look more toward the foods that I suspected (ok KNOW) would have a higher chance of giving me my food bliss/food high and thus make those angels sing.  This was all done subconsciously but regardless, it was a very tenuous hold over this addiction.  Thanksgiving weekend threw me over the edge into full addiction mode.  

I’m writing here and now that I am vowing to push this aside, to tamp these behaviors down and to regain control.  I wrote this on a Thursday morning…I’m not waiting until Monday.  Next week we have some time off work for my birthday.  Im not waiting until after that.  Now is the time.  

I don’t rightly know how.  Each morning this week I have vowed to keep it under control but then I find myself eating granola bars, macaroni and cheese (I got rid of the last of the leftovers so they wont tempt me today), chocolate chips, etc.   My hope is that the difference is that overnight  I actually realized that the addiction is out control again and needs to be stopped.

I spend time in prayer each day.  Up until recently part of my prayers was ‘to lose weight’.   Naturally this week I switched those prayers to ‘control over my food intake’.  (Which is what made me realize that the addiction was back).  It’s time for the battle to take place…and this battle is NOT in the kitchen…it’s in my head.

I’m stepping away from the clean intermittent fasting and going back to what I did for the last year.    Early morning I’m making my flavored/vitamin water.  Breakfast most likely won’t happen, simply because I don’t like to eat that early.  But it’s not taboo right now. Making it taboo only makes me want it more and/or makes me eat more at lunch.  I’ll revisit the clean fast after I get this addiction back in its box, contained and under control.

Whew….what a downer post.  But one I needed to write!

Go away

I’m done with winter!   Thank you, but I’ve had enough!   It’s time to move on to better things...like spring!!!

We had more winter weather this week.   I’m over it!  I want balmy weather!  I want bike ride weather!  I want to put my hat and gloves away!

Ok I’m done complaining!   (Maybe).  I am blessed to be working from home this winter!   I haven’t had to stress and worry about getting to and from work in these storms.  It’s been totally stress free for me.  (Well mostly....I still worry about Jason!). 

We have been just continuing onward.  Work during the day and relax during the night.  We enjoy our evenings and our time together...with our pets.  :-)

My eating has been spotty.  I am teetering on the edge of collapse.   Meaning I’m not being horrible but I’m barely doing enough to maintain....if there is any loss it is minimal...and most likely to be regained.  I have not been totally serious about this journey.  I’ve been trying to have my cake and eat it too...pun intended!!

The sweet treats on the weekend get me every time!   One night turns into two which turns into three!   And the the damage is done so all of my work week is trying to play catch up for my weekend indulgences!  It’s not working!!!

I’ve got to stop the cycle!   But even as I type that, I struggle because the weekend is upon me...what dessert!  Should I have my dessert tonight and then just hope and pray for willpower the rest of the weekend?  Should I resist tonight and then take the chance that I won’t get something delicious the other nights?   Yes these are serious decisions  and worries for me!!!

And yes....that is a good addicts brain talking!   

How does one beat that mentality?  I just wish it would go away...just like winter...disappear into oblivion!

Food addict

 It took me a long time to admit that I really was a food addict.  I didn't want to admit something like that.  I didn't want to admit that I have a problem and struggle to control myself.  How embarrassing!  But I eventually did admit it!  

I had a few moments where I was confused and concerned about the fact that my mind didn't seem to be hardwired like other people when it came to food.  But nothing clicked until the Hoss Cake Incident.  The Hoss cake incident is where I ate a tiny piece of cake and I heard the angels sing.  I was able to really realize that I got a bit of a euphoric high when I ate something that my mind deemed delicious.   I felt that high and I kept chasing after that high, trying to retain and recapture that feeling.   Food is my high and my source of euphoria!   

I have often talked about how a food addiction is hard to overcome.  I can't just stay away from my temptation.  I have to face my addiction each time I sit down for a meal.  Three meals a day I face my addiction.  Each time I put food into my mouth I wait for the angels to sing.  I wait for that high.  I don't know when it's going to hit or what food will cause that feeling.  But when that feeling comes, I want it.  It is so blissful and euphoric that I can't help myself.  I just want to continue shoveling the food into my mouth to keep that feeling.   

I can't just avoid the temptations.  I can hear those angels sing for any number of food. It might be a cheeseburger this week.  The angels might not sing for a few weeks and then I will eat a piece of cake and it will be absolutely beautiful and euphoric.  The next high might come from something as simple as a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  It is difficult!

I have three tips that I TRY to use as much as possible in an effort to avoid and conquer against this demon of an addiction.

1.  I try to avoid foods that I think will cause me to feel that euphoria.  I don't eat Reece's Cups all that often because I know there is a higher chance of losing control.  I try to eliminate as much temptation as I possibly can!

2.  Straight up Willpower.  I try to force myself to think about the fact that I know that losing control is the response of my addict addled brain.  I know in my brain that eating more and more and more of an item is NOT going to make me hear the angels sing forever or even retain that euphoric feeling.   I try to employ every ounce of willpower that I have.  DO NOT EAT THAT FOOD MARYFRAN!  It's a brain game!

3.  Celebrate the successes.  When you do start to gain control over the food addiction, a sense of pride in your accomplishments will overtake you.  Allow that feeling of pride and success wash over you.  Allow your mind to revel in the success.   And build upon that success.  Start realizing that you CAN do it and that you have done it (even if just once) and that you WILL do it again!  Build on the successes that you have!!!

Food addiction is hard one to work with.  But it IS possible to navigate and beat!  It just takes perseverance and persistence in your efforts!  I will be fighting this for the rest of my life.  But I am determined that I WILL succeed!!!!!

To watch my video on this subject.... 

Stress Alert: Stress Wrecked my Diet

It’s Friday!  I for one am so glad about that fact.  It’s been a LONG week!   Really long!  Work has been a bit stressful and that stress infiltrates every aspect of my life.  It affects my sleep.  It affects my energy levels.  But most importantly stress affects my diet.

I started out the week strong!  I was on target with my eating over the weekend.  My weight was not dropping fast, but I was maintaining steadily at my current low.  All was looking good.  Monday was stellar.  I ate my nutritious lunch while I walked around the lake at work.  I was on the lower end of the caloric range that I strive to remain within. I was doing great!

On Tuesday the stress started to hit.  (Vent alert...but just for this paragraph!).  My current job is working with the launch of a new program/product.  It is chaotic.  I expected it to be chaotic.  What I did not expect was the absolute inconsistencies when I ask one person a question versus another. (Yes, asking people in authority)  That is super annoying...but then add in a third person who has a different answer and what do you have?  Confusion.  Adding to that mix is a random person (you never know who) that will check your work....you guessed it, person number four has a totally different approach and belief on the way things are supposed to be done.  On top of that is the overall frenzy because this program is blowing up and busier than expected (and lots of people have quit and ARE quiting which adds to the general vibe of panic)  and we are struggling to keep up with the work so we are constantly being pushed and badgered.   It is very easy to adopt the feeling that you can’t do anything right (seriously, we are not told that in those words but when all you are getting is negative feedback due to the fact that you did the work based on person number ones instruction but person number 3 is checking you using a completely different matrix how else are you to feel?). I am not used to this.  I learn easily.  I do well, even with changes.  I strive to be the best and do a good job. It’s been very uncomfortable for me to say the least.  And the stress has been building!

So as I was saying, Tuesday the stress started and I ditched my healthy lunch for a cafeteria lunch that included chips and a container of Reece’s Pieces.   Now the Reece’s Pieces didn’t really concern me because I bought them to last the whole week maybe even next week!  Except that the stress got to me and I found myself eating them that afternoon with no control.  (I did eventually put the away!).  I was disgusted with myself for my change of plans.  I tracked my food (managing to stay below the top end of my caloric range) and moved on. I didn’t recognize the stress eating at that point 

Wednesday I did it again!  I eschewed my healthy lunch and headed for the cafeteria.  As I stood in line, I  literally knew that this was stress eating.  Knowing it didn’t make me turn around and retreat to my healthy lunch.  Nope, I was determined to eat my sorrows!   I somehow DID have the presence of mind to avoid the foods that I really wanted and got a lower calorie sandwich and I DID choose the bag of chips that had the least calories!  That’s a win right?  The brownie that I got....well ok that negates the wise choices of sandwich and chips!   I sat and wrote my friend an email while I ate and I even told her that I was stress eating.   But I still ate every crumb of that brownie.  On the drive home I could think of nothing other than ice cream!  I had to stop at the store anyway!  So I had ice cream in the evening.  My saving grace?   Dinner had been pre-planned and was a very healthy low calorie /no carb meal!  Jason has even brought me home a package of Reece’s Cups!   I did maintain self control and I only ate one (ha as if my stress eating had much control!).  I wasn’t going to track my food.  But then on Thursday morning I was reading a blog post from someone and saw the title that had something to do with tracking food.  I couldn’t even read that post until I tracked my food.  It honestly wasn’t as bad as I expected. (1616 calories...so  over my caloric range but not by as much as I feared).    I stepped on the scales with real fear on Thursday morning...but the scales were holding steady.  However I knew that unless I got it under control they would move...and in the wrong direction.

So Thursday....the stress was still quite present and overwhelming.  (Ha I did go online on Wednesday night looking for another job!). But I know I can’t allow this job to ruin my efforts!  I want more out of life...so, I was determined to beat it!    Well, it wasn’t overly successful.  I ate another sandwich and a bag of chips at the cafeteria...and my calories were over for the day ....100 calories over my top end.  What’s worse?   The weather was fantastic and I sat inside shoveling food into my face versus being outside and enjoying the weather!  And I ate the rest of the Reece’s pieces. (All tracked). 

Friday has arrived.  I’m making no promises!  However I am making changes.  Rather than my fruit and cheese ‘snack’ for lunch that I normally eat while I walk, I am taking more...something that will not leave me tempted to retreat to the cafeteria.  It’s nothing crazy.  A Pb&j, some pretzels and kiwi.  Am I saving lots of calories?  Not really...but it will help me to break the cycle of heading to the cafeteria!

So my weight....I am still hanging onto this lower ‘decade’ on the scales.  I having popped over. But it is CLOSE!   (In fairness it was close before I started stress eating!).  I am going to take this week as a learning lesson.   I know that at 1600-1700 calories I pretty much maintain!  

Stress eating is a bear!   It is really the pits to recognize it but still just sit back and allow the food addiction take over.  It is crazy.  But I know what has happened.  That’s the first step to fixing it and fix it I will!!!

Why diets fail: food addiction

I have a food addiction.  I know this and have known this for many years.   I have readily admitted it for many years too.  It’s no secret. The sad part about a food addiction?   It is accepted by society because a food addiction is not illegal.  In fact, it’s embrassed and encouraged (just look at the portions of food we find acceptable at restaurants)  in our society of obesity.  It’s not illegal...but regardless, it is killing its victims.  (Obesity related diseases).   So maybe we need to start really treating food addiction like a real serious problem!

So how does one fix an addiction?

I saw this on Facebook a few days back and it really hit me.

Aren’t we only ‘stopping the use’ when we go on a diet???  A diet is not creating a new life and fixing the underlying problem...it’s only treating the symptom!

Years ago I saw a show following patients that had undergone weight loss surgery.  The surgery took away the problem of overeating, but guess what happened to a multitude of the people they followed?  Those people transferred their addictive personality to a different addiction.  Drugs, alcohol, sex....the addiction didn’t go away...they just weren’t latched onto food anymore, they were using other ‘substances’ to fill the void.

Now I’m not saying that everyone that has weight loss surgery is going to turn into a drug addict.  I’m not saying that everyone that simply restricts their food intake will fail.   I’m just saying that we didn’t get to the point of obesity without some major issue....and unless we treat the issue as well as the symptom we will fail in the long run.   And I have personal experience with failure...I lost a LOT of weight and I regained half of it back.  I treated the symptom but not the problem!

Changing and creating a new life is difficult. It’s taking a lot of preconceived notions and habits and running in the exact opposite direction!  It’s changing the norm and distancing yourself from the factors that brought you to the place of obesity.  It’s retraining your mindset to view and see things differently.    It’s creating a life where it is easier to not overeat because the consequences of such behavior will impede you in your new life.    (Need an example?   When I’m running a lot...or hiking a lot, I tend to eat better.  I like those activities and they are easier, less painful and a whole lot more fun when I’ve got my addictive eating problem under control!). It’s a thing of creating a life where eating out is not the sole focus of your day.  Mine used to be.   When I planned out my day  I planned  my activities around food places!!!   I am much better now...It helps that my friends (and Jason) are not as ruled by food...it’s a new lifestyle for me.

We can stop the use of our drug of choice, food....but it’s only temporary....which is exactly why diets fail!!! We need to change our life from the ground up to truly fix the problem of obesity. That means changing how we view food..how we deal with emotions...how we move and are active....and maybe getting your friends on board with your new you...or finding additional friends that do fit in with the new you lifestyle!  Until we find the new life that does not include a simple ‘take away the problem’ we will certainly fail....just like the drug addict that never changes their lifestyle. 

In the homestretch

I'm in the home stretch as I wait for my weigh in tonight. I'm hoping for a maintain. It will be close. If it happens to be one of those 'friendly' weeks where my weight matches the weight watchers scales, then I'll post a loss. If it's pretty close to last week in comparison, then I'll be ok and have a maintain or close to it. However, if it's one of those terrible weeks where the scales at the meeting weigh me higher than my home scales...then oops, I'm in trouble! It seems as if my home scales are pretty solid...but the meeting scales flucuate. Makes no sense!

Tomorrow night I accepted a mystery shopper position. So that means that Todd and I will be eating out. Yeah, we'll have to pay up front...but we will be reimbursed plus a bonus for doing it. It's always a bit fun to do a mystery shop. :-) I'll try to order and eat wisely!

Right now...I'm hungry! However, I don't eat until after my weigh in. I get off at 6:15...and I'll run to my meeting.....the meeting is at 7PM. I'll get home between 8 and 8:30. I do have a little snack to eat after I weigh in. I'm not starving hungry thank goodness. I've actually not been starving hungry much! That is totally awesome! I was talking to a co-worker and we were talking about how when we eat healthy it seems as if we are eating so much more food! It's crazy! When I'd pack my lunch in the past, the lunchbox would be partially full. NOW my lunch box seems to be bulging with food. What's up with that???????

We were also talking today...and it reminded me of my discovery about this food addiction that i have. It reminded me of the experience I had recently where I tasted something that was heavenly tasting. So I went back and ate more....trying to recapture that rapture...that orgasmic first bite feel. The second helping didn't help...but I still wanted that feeling...so I went back again. It took me three times (and it was CAKE) until I realized that i was looking for that "first' high you get after eating something. And that can't be recaptured in the same setting! ADDICTION!