Monday, June 20, 2016

One persons junk......

Back to the grind......another weekend in the books.   We took this weekend easy.  Jason's knee was bothering him as was the burning pain on the top of my foot.  So we took it easy.  We did some geocaching, hit up a few stores and walked some on the canal.  Nothing strenuous and nothing overly rough on the legs and feet!  

Lander Lock on the Chesapeake and Ohio canal

So the running challenge.   Jason responded to the Thursday  and Friday runs that I wrote about on Friday.  He responded with a nice run to put him 2/10ths  of a mile above me!   I knew that running in Friday night  was out.  I thought about waking up at 5 to run before work on Saturday but that didn't happen.  I then thought about leaving work and stopping at the parking lot right down from his apartment (where we were meeting right after work) and running a circle around the parking lot to get my .21 miles to take the win, hopping in my car, hitting save on the mapmyfitness app and then driving the 1 minute to his house...there would be no way for him to recover!!!  But I decided that was underhanded and that I would 'let' him win this week!  (I may have to pull out that trick in a future week!!!!)

The last few weeks or so I have been really struggling with self image.    Jason is very vocal about telling me that he loves me and that I am beautiful.  Even better his actions stand firm behind his words.  But recently I have struggled with not scoffing at his compliments.    I have laid in bed alone and just wanted to scream and shout and say 'what in the world are you looking at because it's not what I see in the mirror!'  

I have long wondered about something...and it clicked a few weeks ago.   Before I started trying to lose weight about 10-11 years ago I was happy with myself.   I looked in the mirror and I didn't have a problem with
 myself.   I was happy.....but somehow in the last 12 years or so I started to look in the mirror and see something different. A person I wasn't happy with!   I've written for years on here that losing weight is a process that starts within's a deep belief that we are worth it.  Self worth is so important in this journey....because it's not an easy path to change your life!   (Some days and weeks will be easy but some will be difficult as you fight off cravings and say no to something you really you fend of friends and family that mean well and as you claw your way to health!). So what happened to me to go from a gal that felt self worth to someone that looked in the mirror and said 'eewww'??   A crappy marriage happened to me.    My ex husband NEVER said anything about my weight!  I will give him credit on that front.  He was always passively supportive of me going to weight watchers and going for runs and whatever. But his disinterest in me as a woman and marital partner took its toll on my self worth.  Actions speak louder than words!   Waaaaay louder!   And I felt unworthy, ugly and yes....fat!   When things started going south in my marriage I decided to lose weight....for a make my husband love me!!!!   Of course it didn't work....his problems went way deeper than a few pounds on or off of my body (if I can call 130 pounds a 'few pounds'. Hahaha)  by the time I finally stopped accepting responsibility for his actions of disinterest it was too late.   The seeds of poor self worth had already been firmly implanted in my head.    I learned this came because someone (who is obviously stupid...I can say that now it took me years to get to that point) who was supposed to love and treasure me did not do their job that hey had vowed to do.  Through no fault of my own (well the only fault of mine was marrying him and staying married as long as I did...but that's a whole different story!) I have a skewed view of myself!

So how does one shake these feelings and beliefs?  

 I think the first part is just accepting that while some people don't see value...others will.   It's the old adage that  'one persons junk is another persons treasure'.   For me this happened through friends in my life that showed me in their actions that I was a good friend, that I was an awesome person just the way I was.   It was someone telling me that I was lovable! (And I will forever be grateful for the people in my life ...most of whom are sadly no longer in my life....their purpose in my life is over and life moved us on in differing directions....but I have thanked them!)

The second part, and much more difficult part I think is simply to 'fake it until you make it'.     When you are given a compliment, learn to (force yourself to) accept it graciously!!!!  The compliments will keep coming...accept them all!   Don't scoff and roll your eyes.   Accept them graciously!   By accepting them and actually going through the motions of at least acting like you believe them you are admitting there might be some validity!   Slowly you'll believe them more and more!!!   Retrain your mind!!!!

There will always be stupid people that won't see our value and will through their actions make us feel inferior.   There will always be cruel people that will see our value but it scares them because they see more value in us then themselves so they will do things to put us down.  

Fat....thin...chunky....string bean....pleasingly plump....model doesn't matter we are all gorgeous in our own way!!!!  And I know this is a cliche but it it absolutely correct, 'true beauty comes from within'.   The most gorgeous woman in the world becomes ugly when they start spewing filth and hatred from their mouth!   The most handsome man becomes undesirable when we see him kick a puppy!  (or whatever!!). 

I'm a work in progress....and while I have made great leaps and bounds to rediscovering my self worth, I will continue to fake it until I make it because I KNOW I am worth the effort!  (We all are!!)