Monday, March 31, 2014

Weekend warrior

A weekend warrior I am not.  Weekends are more difficult for me.  Especially weekends where Todd is not working. I was happy to say that my eating was OK in terms of calories.  I was spot on actually.  However, my choices were not the greatest.  Ok, they weren't bad, just higher in carbs and lower on fruits and veggies than I should have been. And water???  What is water????  However  I am going to take this as a victory and not stress about it.  It's a victory because I didn't binge. I didn't eat horrible. I did drink Crystal light (and some diet pepsi) so I didn't drink horrible things. (well the diet pepsi I drank wasn't the greatest...but it was better than regular pepsi)  

So my running.   I ran and moved last week...I got two runs in.  My weekend runs went up in flames.....or should I say down the drain with rain rain and more rain.     However, I have to admit...I LOVE to look at nice shaped legs.   Bikers legs are AWESOME. Runners legs are AWESOME!   So I want awesome legs. Yes, that is my motivating factor right now.....don't be hating!

Nothing much else to say.  I'm here.  I want it....I am cleaning up my eating after the weekend to incorporate lost of fruits and veggies! And water....water is my best friend!

Saturday, March 29, 2014

It's kind of senseless

I planned out my calories yesterday.  I was spot on with my eating.  UNTIL Todd looked over at me and said "I could really go for something sweet."   That just sent me off in a whirl.  What in the world could I bake that would be yummy, sweet and delicious!   I ended up making chocolate chip peanut butter bars.   Oh yes, I did!   You see, saying 'don't have the bad foods in your house' doesn't work for me.  I love to bake so it was super easy to whip these suckers up in no time at all!    The house smelled HEAVENLY as the aroma wafted out of the oven during baking.   We cut into the and I started to eat my piece of this heavenly delight.  Ahhhh pure bliss!  And then halfway through my piece I realized that I was really not digging it anymore.  I kept eating though because I remembered the pure bliss of that first bite....I wanted to recapture it!   I ate another bite or two and then said "NO!  No more!"   You see, I had already eaten to the point of being a tad bit sick.  Yeah, isn't that allow something that tastes so good turn into something that makes you sick.  Welcome to the life of an addict.

I was shocked though.  The amount of yumminess that I ate shouldn't have made me sick.  Really.  I sat watching I love Lucy (we are watching through the whole series again.....simply because I love that evidenced by my cats names.....Lucy, Ethel, Desi, Winni-fred, mertz and Frawley) and pondered this fact.  Had my body turned a corner and started to change?   Hmmmmm

I went to bed and slept quite delightfully......until about 5AM.  I woke up and I was DYING of thirst.  Now when I wake up thirsty, I know that I'm dehydrated (they say if you get to the point of being thirsty, it's too late you are already remember that when you are exercising...don't wait until you are thirsty to drink!) and that means that my weight is usually a few pounds up.  Luckily if I watch my eating and don't let that number on the scale upset me and throw me off course I am back down within a day or so of good water drinking.  But anyway, I woke up thirsty.  I laid there for a few minutes and then it HIT.  Oh did it ever hit.  A stomach ache to end all stomach aches.  I ran to the bathroom...then went back to bed.  4 times I went to the bathroom.....or was it 5.  I don't was a lot.

I don't think I have the flu....I just think my body wants to eliminate what it finds useless.   As I lay there between bouts I was thinking about this.    The food I ate last night was totally tasty.  And TOTALLY useless.  What nutrients did I really gain from that snack?   Ohhhh protein from the peanut butter!  ha ha ha...but seriously!  What a waste of food.  Food SHOULD be fuel and that food was not fuel.  Trickery!  I want food that fuels my body and makes me stronger, healthier and leaner!  

OK, I talk big right now....saying I want the healthy foods that fuel.  I KNOW....and anyone reading this post knows that in a week or two....or a month (Oh hell...I'll probably be in Lancaster next it will be shoe fly pie next I guess it will be a week....I'm not going to try to kid anyone!!) that I'll be saying I ate something 'sweet' and totally un-nutritious.   That's life.  I"m not going to try to fight it. To fight it is to deny who I am and what life is. I just need to realize that those foods are not fueling my body and that I need to limit the intake.

Meanwhile, back to the bathroom I go. today is going to be 'fun'.  ha ha ha

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Fake it until you make it

I have a deep confession to make.  I am a no thrills girl.  Yes, I know....deep and emotional confession isn't it.  I won't lie, I like to be wearing jeans a tee shirt and a big over sized hooded sweatshirt.  That is comfort clothes.  I will also admit that I stretch the dress code as far as humanly possible at work...dressing down just to the edge of where it would be considered too casual.  I like's me.  Or so I thought.

Today I was having some 'down' feelings and I just decided to dress the part.  The part of what?   Well, I don't know what the part of it was.  I wore the boots that I  LOVE LOVE LOVE.  I knew I wanted to wear them.  They are black pants.  I was scanning the closet for a shirt and voila how awesome would a leopard print look with the pants?   Pretty damn awesome!   I added a black dress jacket and I was feeling good.  I felt so good that in the wild last minute rush to get ready for work (yes, I was running late) I actually took the time to dry my hair!   (unheard of for me!)   I was feeling awesome!  I was feeling on top of the world. I was feeling incredible and all those negative thoughts in my head?  It was a little bit easier to ignore them!

So often I dress so casual and 'blah' because sexy, fun, pretty, fancy....all of the above clothes are difficult to find as a fat person.  It's easier to wear the baggy clothes.  It's more comfortable to wear the casual clothes.  It's better right?   NO NO NO.  I figured out today that how we are dressed really does have a bearing on how we feel about ourselves. 

So my challenge to myself?   At least once a week I am going to plan on taking the time to actually really take the time with how I dress and how I look.  Why not more?  ha ha ha....well lets be honest, when it's 9:15 and I have to leave for work at 9:35 and I haven't taken a shower  yet, well my hair will be washed, clipped up soaking wet and I'll be skirting the edge of proper dress is what it is.  

Why was I running late this morning and in a wild rush to get ready to go to work?  Paula and I hooked up to run.  It wasn't the greatest run.  I struggled with it.  Maybe it was the lack of music (making a note to self to remember to hook up some tunes the next time we run together).  Paula did better with the running but was having some stomach issue, she thinks a side affect of some meds she's been on.  Oh well....we were out there and doing it!!!!
Smiling and happy!

Monday, March 24, 2014


So far so good.  I managed to hold onto my weight over the weekend...which is usually a rough time for me. It's easier for me to keep my eating under control during the work week when I put my food in my lunch box and when the food is gone I stop eating!   Weekends are not the same.  It's my downfall many times.   So I'm happy that I did good.

I had that problem with the blister before my run and during my run yesterday......well after I published my post, I went to shower.  I was dressed and getting ready to go and I looked down at my foot.  Another blister had cropped up.  This on the side of my foot...up by the ball of my foot.  WHAT???????   Crazy!!!  I can't help it that I was so blistering fast that I rubbed a second blister!

Which brings me back to those stats....seriously?  That was fast for me.  Like WAY fast.  I keep going back to it in my mind to see what in the world happened.  I looked at the individual pace for each mile, thinking that maybe the program had gotten turned off and when it picked up it picked up my new location but not since it was paused not the time. stats are all very consistent.  I even picked up the few loops off the circuit...and the backtrack portion of the run that I did.  Seriously...that's a minute a mile better than I have EVER run.  My word that is fantastic...but woah, that's just uncommon.  I haven't run since the first of March.  That's 20 days without running.  I was doing other stuff (zumba and riding the exercise bike) but still!  I can't wrap my head around it.  

So I'll next 5k is set to be the Paws on the Pavement in May. I ran this last year and set a PR (one that has not yet been been broken...I guess officially now).  So I was talking to a friend the other day and I had said that this year at Paws I wanted to break that record.  She asked me how fast I wanted to go.  I answered.  Anything faster than last years number.  She pushed for an answer and I said "I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to clock a time lower than 35 minutes.  Thirty five minutes is my next  big running goal.  Just whittling down the numbers until I get to where my TRUE goal is!  I told my friend that I figured that 35 was a really far fetched goal...but now I'm wondering........hmmmmmm can't be!  

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Ramblings from a somewhat insane mind

I will admit.  I went over my calories yesterday.   I knew I was most likely going to go over the calories before my day started, but I made a conscious decision to do the best I could and not worry about take it as my free DAY.   Did you get the emphasis on the word DAY?   That is on day.  So how did I do????

In calorie speak......I ate 1713 calories.  I did walk more than 7 miles yesterday.  I hiked with Todd and then I walked with my friend Paula.  Each was about 3.5 miles.  And then Todd and I roamed around through an outdoor flea market and some other walking activities  So more than 7 miles walking under my belt. Sadly, I didn't run my virtual 5k in the warm weather yesterday....oh well, we will get to that later in this post.  So it SHOULD be a maintain because calorie wise I'm OK.  But we know that if I eat my exercise calories I do not lose.  Such is my body and I'm OK with it.

So fast forward to this morning........and I'm showing a maintain from my weight yesterday.  (which amuses me...what's the odds that my weight was exactly 230.8 both days....seriously)

During my walk with Paula yesterday we made plans to run together at least once a week  Last year when I was completing the C25K program I was doing it in tandem with Sherry.  Every Sunday we would hook up and run.  It kept me (and I think her) focused because we knew that we couldn't skip runs.  If we skipped runs, we would not be synchronized in our running.  One of us would pull ahead and the running together would no longer work as well.  (ok, we would have made it work).  It was the accountability that I needed to run consistently each week.   Soooo Paula and I are planning to run together as much as possible through the least once  Why at least once?   Right now Paula and I are very similar in where we are at in our running progress.  She runs between a 12 and a 13 minute mile...but typically only runs 1 mile.  I typically run between 2-3 miles and have been running right at about a 13 minute mile 13.25.  (I expect today to be bad because I haven't run in a while)   So add miles onto her and she will probably even out to right where I'm at for her average.  Perfect.   Soooooo, I know that if I'm not running through the week, she is going to improve and I'll be left in the dust.  Well heck!  I can't have that!

So this returns me to my tentative proclamation  that I have made a few times.  What am I talking about?   Running a half marathon.  A few weeks back I even made a declaration and said which one I'm thinking about doing.  Paula and I have talked about it before and after talking to her we are seriously going to start working toward the Habitat for Humanity half in September.  I think I have my feet under control....somewhat.    KT tape is still my best friend (I should buy stock).    I'm not going to say that the plantar fasciitis and the tarsal tunnel don't hurt.  They do. But I'm learning how to manage.  I want to do this.  I'm NOT a quitter anymore! It's in my head, which means that I need to accomplish it!   Soooooo, my plan...right now I just need to focus on running consistently.  Running my three times a week.  Watch my pace get faster.  Watch my endurance build.  Add miles when at all possible.  Just run. In the meantime plan out a 12 week training program...which will need to start roughly the end of June. (that's assuming that the western maryland habitat run is scheduled for this year....I think I saw it somewhere!....and if not, I'm sure Paula and I will find another one that we can run in the same time frame!)    Big plans.  Is it possible.  I don't know.  Depends on my body.  But my mind is ready to roll with it!

The only kink in the works???  Bike riding. I was out on the canal yesterday and holy moley I saw bikers and I was drooling thinking about how much I want to be on MY bike....get on my trek out on the canal!  And then Paula and I were walking on the battlefield and I saw a few road bikers and it made me drool, thinking about how much I wanted to be out on the road....on my litespeed!   Hmmmm....can I manage the running and biking and still have the occasional zumba class????  (maybe not all three, but at least two fixes of the ever inspirational and incredibly hard workouts of Anita?)  Bike one the next???????   I want to knock that century bike ride off my bucket list this year!!!!!!

Am I completely insane???

  Hmmm, all I have to say about all this.......we better get that hot tub up and working again (we shut it down a while back with a thermostat kept heating us up to astronomically high and unsafe for human use temps....we have a new thermostat to install...just have to get it in and all working again) because holy cow, I think I may need the soothing waters of a hot tub if I manage to accomplish what I want to this summer on my bike and on my feet.

So this morning I had my virtual 5k to run.  I sat around and actually started this blog post just thinking about what I needed to do.  Finally I stopped myself and said "If you never start you'll never get it done."  So I picked myself up and went to get dressed.  I ran into  problem when I dropped my right foot into my shoe.  HOLY COW...PAIN!  I quickly took my shoe off and looked the HUGE blister on the back of my foot.  Are you serious?  I felt a pain there yesterday but it didn't bother me anymore so I didn't pay attention to it.  OH yeah, wait, I wasn't wearing shoes...maybe that's why I didn't feel it!  I grabbed some band-aids and tried the shoe again.  GRRRR ouch.  KT tape.  (Have I mentioned this stuff is wonderful?)  I put it on really tight over the blister area.  It actually worked.  No, it didn't make it 100% better but it wasn't bad.  SO shoes on, off I went. was so nice yesterday...teeshirt weather.  it was freakin' COLD this morning.  And my blister hurt.  Maybe I should run in miserable conditions more often.  I was listening to Pink.....maybe that's the reason...I always have incredible runs when I listen to Pink for some reason.  Whatever the run was my best ever. (I have my doubts that mapmyrun was correct...ha ha ha)  INCREDIBLE run for me!

Just sayin'!  

Friday, March 21, 2014

Rock on

A loss!!!!  I am showing a loss this week!  I'm still within that dreaded 3 pound black hole...but at the bottom end if the range!    I'm determined to stay on track this upcoming week and blow myself right out if that hellish out that I've been stuck in!!!!

Surprisingly, I've been eating quite nicely!!!!  I've managed eating out.  I've navigated evenings alone where I subconsciously binge eat.  I've made my food choices in the morning, and I've stuck with them!!!     I was all proud of myself the morning as I planed because I had extra calories.  I get to work and low and behind snacks were there.  It was a recipe that I've been wanting to try luckily I have the calories.  I'm holding off for my treat until after my lunch.  If I eat at 12 or 12:30 I can have my treat at 1...and then I only have to resist a second piece for one hour until I leave!   Ahhhhhh I've got my plan!!!!!

I'm planning to run this afternoon with a friend.   I've got to get back to running religiously.   I want the runners high.  I want the runners body.  I want the better stats when I run!!!!!  There is only one way to get those things....get out and run!!!  (And bike.....and Zumba)

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

A fist fight with my friend

Ohhhhh, my blessed friend!  I love you.  Your creamy cheesy goodness just makes my mouth water!   Ohhh heavens, I do love you!   Ohhh macaroni and cheese you just one plate of ooey gooey pile of goodness!  I saw you and I wanted you so bad.  I stared at you.  I opened my mouth to order  my food and..........

Tuesday was another day of me planning my calories.  It was another day of NOT eating my exercise calories. It was another two to be exact, of eating on a budget.  Knowing that when my very exact amount of calories is gone that the eating must stop.  It's planning and strict willpower.  It has always worked for me and I'm going back to what works.

I planned out my Tuesday early in the morning.  I actually planned it and included not one but TWO eat outs!  Why yes, I did.  I planned for a trip to Waffle House for breakfast (don't be a hater, we have a good Waffle House near where we live....there is a bad one too.....but oh well, we don't go there!).  I also planned to pick up subs on the way home.   Here is my plan for the day.

      Sugar Free Syrup
Mid morning snack: (really ends up being around 11AM)
    Salad (no croutons, no cranberries, simply veggies and one piece of fit and active string cheese cut up)
    Vinnegrette Dressing
     Homemade fruit salad (so no added sugar or bad stuff)
Afternoon Snack (around 4 or 5)
    Small banana
    1/2 Turkey Sub
     fruit salad

I sat down at Waffle house.  Todd ordered a big breakfast that includes a waffle.  I 'inherited' the waffle.  So when my turn to order came, I simply asked for sugar free syrup, knowing that if the sugary stuff came to the table there was a good chance I'd just cave and eat it.  I typically order hashbrowns as a side.  I kept my mouth shut, even though Todd had asked if I wanted the hashbrowns from his meal.  "No thank you, I don't have the calories."    When his meal came he offered me a piece of cinnamon raisin toast.  I answered, "No thank you, I don't have the calories.   I stood firm.  And I was completely satisfied with my food an was not at all hungry when I left.

Lunch and my snacks were easy due to the fact that I packed my food to take to work.  I ate what I had planned and there wasn't too much to tempt me.  

Dinner rolled around.  It was after zumba.  Yes, I know, eating at 8 or thereafter isn't the most awesome choice but eating before zumba doesn't work and's a trade off and works for the schedule that Todd and I keep.  So anyway, after zumba I stopped into the convenience store where I was planning to pick up subs.  I waited in line and that is when I saw it.  I saw that creamy cheesy gooey goodness that we call macaroni and cheese.  Ohhh how I wanted to order a maybe a medium or large cup of macaroni and cheese to go with my meal.  Ohhhh I love macaroni and cheese.  I wanted to so bad.  Ohhh macaroni and cheese come to mamma.  I looked and I'm going to admit that I was tempted to order my old faithful friend.  But then I said to myself "no, you don't have the calories."   I ordered my planned for sub and resolutely turned my back on that friend.  

I was satisfied with my food, even without the macaroni and cheese.   I know that I will someday soon have macaroni and cheese.  It's not a taboo food. NOTHING is taboo.  But when I eat it, it will be MY homemade mac-n-cheese.  It will be planned for, at least I hope!     But whatever the future holds......Tuesday night I was in a fist fight with with some macaroni and cheese and I won!

I've got the ball rolling........I just need to KEEP the ball rolling and not let anything derail me!!!!   

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Feeling strong

It's no secret that I'm struggling.  I'm looking at the last few months as a victory. I've maintained.  I stopped the slide of weight gain that occurred after my own personal D-day on July 11.  That is a victory in itself because stopping weight gain can be as difficult (near impossible seemingly) as losing the weight.  So I'm going to accept that victory. 

Now it's time for me to start the scales moving downward.  I'm tracking, religiously!  If I eat a cracker TRACK it.  And i'm keeping my calories in my set matter what exercise I have.  The trick is this...if I'm really active, that means I better choose my food carefully so I'm getting the quantity and quality it that I need to satisfy my body.  And yes, it is TOTALLY possible....I just can't have the junk.  I need to have the filling foods that are low calories. (don't I sound like a Weight Watchers Commercial....if they even still push filling foods).  

It's called CHOICES!  I made choices yesterday.  I planned out my meals for the day and I was set.  And then I came home and my train derailed. How?  A change of plans with dinner.  Uhhhhh....  I didn't rush myself to the kitchen to gorge on food.  I sat and thought about my options.  I thought and came up with a plan.  I followed my plan and I even had the calories left over for a wonderful little treat at the end of the night.  (A cherry candy cane...I bought a bunch of boxes after Christmas for like 10 cents a piece....cherry candy canes are the ultimate treat....50 calories of sweet treat!)  I didn't let the change of plans (basically my planned dinner got canecelled)  derail me.  Normally I would have said "well if I'm eating on my own I'll just go into the kitchen and get something to eat. What in reality happens when I get to the kitchen is that I'm standing there without a clear defined plan of what to eat.  So I eat some cheese while I think about what I want. Then I eat some chips while I make what I decide to eat.  Then I actually eat what I decide to eat, but it wasn't what I really wanted so I have some ice cream afterward.   It's like a eat fest!   Without a plan I fail!  Last night I wouldn't let myself go into the kitchen until I had a plan.  And it worked!  
We have choices.  This morning I woke up and I laid out my eating for today.  My dinner plans may fall through, but I have an alternate plan in case it does (and the alternate plan is a LOT less calories, so I would be able to have a little scoop of ice cream as a treat!).  I made my breakfast plans before I left the house.  We went to  Waffle House for breakfast.  I had enough calories for a waffle, butter and sugar free syrup.  Todd asked if I wanted hashbrowns.  I said "No, I don't have the calories."  He offered some of his hashbrowns.  I answered, no...I don't have the calories.  He asked if I wanted some of his raisin cinnamon toast.  I, I don't have the calories.  (because see, I have to expect that we will have the planned dinner.. and if we eat that dinner I won't have the calories!).  It's a choice and today I felt strong!  

I know that this weeks weigh in my not show my efforts due to the wonderful cycle of my body.  But I'm ok with that.  I'm going to push through and see what the next TWO weeks bring me!

So yes..........I love nutella.  I buy it on occasion as a treat.....and then struggle because I want to eat the whole dang jar of it in one fell swoop!!!  It's so well known that at Sam's club the other week my husband put a whole case of the honkin' big jars of nutella in the cart as a joke!  (no, we took everyone of those jars out!)   So I thought that this cat was hystarical!

And last but not least I leave you with a picture of my nephew and I.  Not the clearest and greatest picture, but I just like it.  This little guy is absolutely awesome. (all of my niece and nephews are).

Sunday, March 16, 2014

"Do Life"

A few months back I saw a blub about a book.  I instantly put the book on my ‘to read list’.  I saw the book about a month or two  ago at the book store and vowed to buy it for my kindle, it didn’t happen.  A few weeks ago I was in a book store with Todd and I saw the book.  I bite the bullet and did it.    The book?   “Do Life”  By Ben Davis.  

The premise of the book is a short synopsis of the authors journey for being morbidly obese to living a happy, healthy lifestyle.    The author was at his personal rock bottom and found the fortitude to pick up the pieces.  He has since run and participated in everything from 5k’s to ironman competitions.  In the process of losing the weight and becoming a runner/athlete he found happiness.  His book is primarily about happiness…finding what makes you happy and living life.

There were so many good points in this book.   I’m only going to pull out 4 or 5 quotes for the purposes of this blog.

Pg 17 “I definitely have an addictive personality.  “If I enjoy something, I take it to the maximum.”  This hit me immediately.  I have already figured out that I have a food addiction.  I've written blog post after blog post after blog post about addictions.   That was nothing new.  However, I never really put it into the realm of the addictive personality.  I am that way.  I have just said that I find something fun and I immerse myself in that activity.  Quilting, cross stitch, running, zumba, you name it……   These immersions take on the traits of addictions.   So the trick is just making sure that my ‘addictions’ are healthy in nature without losing balance in my life.

Pg 32 “To improve the areas of life that you are unsatisfied with, you must replace the bad with something positive that can fill the void.”    This goes hand in hand with the addiction thing.   The bad can’t just be taken away.  They have to be replaced with something else. 

Pg 36  “As we talked, I realized that the difference between the way I felt on that morning and at the beginning of every other failed attempt to lose the weight was that this time it wasn’t just about the numbers on the scale or the size of my clothes.  Those things were symptoms of the problem, not the real problem itself.  I knew that.  I finally admitted that.  This time it was about finding happiness.”

Oh yes, considering my epiphany from a while back  where I decided that strict rules don't work for me, this section was utterly perfect for me!.  Yes yes yes.  Happiness and Health is important!   Saying I tracked my food for 5 gazillion days straight doesn’t mean diddly squat!   Honestly, weighing in at 105 pounds means nothing if I’m not healthy!  (not that I will EVER be 105 pounds….just a number I arbitrarily  picked out of the sky)  Numbers mean nothing!   The progression and happiness that comes from my accomplishments is what matters.  (That said, I will still be weighing myself regularly…and the author didn’t ignore the scales either)

Pg 87  “The reason you’ve found yourself on this plateau is that your habits have taken a slide to mediocrity because you’re exhausted or lacking enthusiasm”    

Ohhh yeah, Plateaus…….I’ve  hit ‘plateaus’ but I’ve always admitted that it’s simply me slipping in some way.

 There was so much more in this book.  Nothing earth shattering but just fun.  He talks about losing motivation. He talks about excuses (and the day he couldn’t go running because the terrorist level was too high…ha ha ha).   He doesn’t recommend nor does he seem to live a life of restriction….he talks about post race visit to Chili’s.  He gives plans for training for various races. It’s written with humor and compassion and is said the way it is.  He is living life….or as he says.  “DOING LIFE!”  

Thursday, March 13, 2014

One size does not fit

I've been stepping on the scales regularly for the last few months.  I've been quite disappointed because I haven't lost a darn pound.  Those scales flicker between three numbers  231, 232 and 233.  Not numbers I like to see.  I want to see numbers much much lower than that.  I'm eating right  Seriously.  Look at my food journal, I eat well within my caloric budget.  I'm exercising.  So what's the dealio.

The problem?  Eating 'right' is not enough.  I KNOW where my calorie count has to be in order for me to lose. A number without calculating exercise in....the down and dirty number.   I've been eating 200-300 calories over that every day.  I tell myself that it's ok because I'm exercising so in reality I've paid the debt for those extra calories with my exercise.  My food journal (mfp) shows that I am operating in the black because it adds those earned exercise calories in, so I should be losing weight.  However, as sad as it is.....that is NOT how my body works!  I know this, yet I persist in trying to follow what everyone else says when they say "eat your earned exercise calories"  Heck, I've had people get downright rude, pushy and 'know it all' on my comments telling me to eat those earned calories that if I don't I"m starving myself.  Basically telling me that I'm stupid and don't know what I'm doing.

Well......that doesn't work for me!   I know it.  I've known it for quite some time.....years in fact.   I've known it since the stretch of time where I lost 135 pounds.    IT DOES NOT WORK FOR ME!  Not if I want to lose weight.  I have to stay within my budget.....without my added exercise calories.

The good news??????  Yes, there IS good news!  I know exactly what I need to do to maintain once I get to my goal.......simple add in a few hundred calories.  :-)

Weight loss is not a one size fits all venture.  What works for me, may not work for another person.  I have a friend that I met through Weight Watchers.  She always looked at me and said "it makes me sad for you that you can't eat your activity points"  You see, she was able to eat hers and still lose, and she couldn't fathom living without those additional eating points in her daily diet.  That worked for her, but through talking with me and watching me and yes, looking at my journals and such, she came to the conclusion that no, I can't eat them.  We are two people that have had success....but have had to follow quite divergent rules.    The concept is the same, but each of us have a different set of rules that we must follow.

Here is where I struggle.  I have had so many people come up to me and tell me I'm doing it wrong.  "Honey, I worry about you....because you are doing this or that.  I do it this way".  or  "Someday you'll figure it out and then you will just take off with your efforts".   Talk like that is negative and destructive.    There are one or two people that are constantly after me in that way. I tend to HATE when they decide to impart their wisdom upon me because it's always done in a superior manner.  It's always done as the 'magical cure'.

It's self destructive in a few ways.

1.  It lowers  self esteem.
               * We don't need someone to tell me that simply because we eat wheat/glutton that we are a fat                           hog and will  remain a fat hog until we jump on the glutton ban bandwagon. (ok, maybe not                           those exact words..but you get the point)
               * Negativity breeds negativity and that hurts the self esteem.  Being negative about my plan simply                     because it doesn't mesh with yours is not negates and diminishes every step I've                      taken to make me a better me.  "OH honey, you are just doing it all wrong and I worry about                       you because you are just not eating enough food"  Seriously?   You get this from a single blog                        post?  Did you ever think to ask if I my doctor was aware of my method and calorie intake?                          (he is).  Did you ever think to ask how this correlated with he weight watchers plan?   OH my, I                   eat the  same amount of calories that I would if I were counting WW points.   If I rattled off my                     points  that I ate, I wouldn't get any negativity.  I  know...because I counted points for years on                     this   blog, and yes, every once in a while I pull out the weight watchers material to see how my                     daily food intake matches up!
2.  It makes one veer off course onto paths that have proven to not work for them.  It distracts one from their focus on their plan.
              *"Honey, you have to eat your earned exercise calories"   Why?  What expert are you?  Yet I listen                 and eat them....and here I am three months into the new year and I've not lost a single pound!  I've                 not eaten crazy.  But on a consistent basis I've eaten my exercise calories...or at least a few                           hundred of them.  And look at the results.

Enough is enough!  I'm following the plan that I KNOW works for me.

I just caution anyone reading this post.  Consider your words carefully.  Being a know it all may be fun, but it can do a LOT of harm.   Impart the knowledge you gained from your experience, but don't do it in a way that makes it sound like the one and only way.  If someone likes the knowledge that you have imparted in a non harmful way, they will contact you or make it clear that they want to know more.  But just remember, your experience is YOUR experience.  The other persons experience is their experience.  Two totally separate and individual things. Don't belittle those who are taking a different route!

Yes, I know that this blog post has the potential to lose me readership.  First of all, it's my blog and I'll say what I want to say.  Secondly, this subject has been brewing inside me for quite sometime and it was time I cut lose and said what I needed to say.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Running on Fat

I just stumbled across this article.  It's on the website (although I read it elsewhere, I just like to give proper credit).

  Yes, it made me cry!!!!!!!!

A Facebook user penned a message to 'The Fatty running on the westview track'.  You might be surprised to read what they have to say.

The message begins in a typically condescending manner.  It accuses the overweight runner of 'footslogging in the wrong direction', calls then out for wanting to 'stop twice a lap' and points out the sweat that drenches their body.

But then all of a sudden, the tone changes and we find ourselves confronted with a seriously inspirational message for all the would be runners out there.

"You whose feet barely lift off of the ground as you trudge around the track.  You, who keeps to the outside lane, footslogging in the wrong direction.  You, who stops for water breaks every lap and who would probably stop twice a lap if there were  bleachers on both sides. You whose gaze drops to your feet every time we pass.  You whose sweat drenches your body after you leave, completing only a single 20 minute mile.

There is something you should know.  You fucking rock!!

Every shallow step you take, you carry the weight of more than two of me, clinging to your bones, begging to be shaken off.  Each lap you run you are paying off the debt of another midnight snack, another dessert, another beer.  It's 20 degrees outside, but you haven't let that stop your regime.  This isn't your first day out here, and it certainly won't be your last.  You started a journey that lasts a lifetime, and you've started it at least twelve days before your New Year's resolution kicks in.

You run without music, and I can only imagine the mantras running through your mind as you heave your ever shrinking mass around the next lap.  Let's go feet!  Shut up legs!  Fuck off fat!!   If only you'd look up from your feet the next time we pass, you'd see my gaze had no condescension in it.

I have nothing but respect for you.  You've got this.

Hello!!!   I cried again as I typed that in!   It's so true on so many levels...from the rock bottom run to the mantras and yes, to the acceptance by ther runners and see...they have been a beginner and they know how it feels.  They know how after just a few pounds weight gain they struggle with their exercise/ they can totally appreciate the 'fatty runner'

It happened to me when I purchased my trek.  I took it back for a tune up a few months later and the guy that sold me te bike was giddy with excitement and he flat out told me why. Paraphrasing what he said..."it's obvious that you got out an used this bike.  I can see changes in your body!  I know it wasn't easy but you are doing it!!"  And seriously?  When I originally bought the bike I was ashamed and embarrassed to be the 'fatty buying a bike'.  Ohhh how wrong we are!!!

So here I am...running and biking..fatty...shrinking...but fabulous!!

Sunday, March 09, 2014

Birds of a Feather and a fearful finding

I've been thinking a lot about the food that I'm eating.  Am I wrong to approach my lifestyle change by still eating 'anything' I want, just in moderation.  I lost 140 pounds doing just that.  I didn't have pizza everyday.  I did have to manage and limit my bread. I did it all and I honestly did well.  When I wanted to have one of the items I worked it into my schedule.  Last week, I made the brownies in the morning. I KNEW that I would want a piece of brownie that night.  I managed my food all day to allow for my brownie.  This is what worked for me in the past and this is the route I plan to take this go around.   

For me to take food away and put it on the 'extinct' list in my life is just not feasible. I know me.  You say I can't have it and I will move heaven and hell to get it!!!!   I spent some time on my morning walk today talking to my side kick about this.  Her words to me were "it worked for you before and why bother with elimination diets when you don't have health issues that need elimination'.   She is also not doing any elimination diet....not in the strictest sense of the word.  Yes, she's giving up diet soda because of the chemicals.  She's giving up ingredients in food that are un-natural.  She's moving to a natural lifestyle.   So I guess birds of a feather flock together. 

That said, I eat mostly natural and organic foods.  I cook from scratch, so that eliminates much processed foods.  I eat a healthy diet.  I just don't eliminate.  God gave us these foods.  I'm a firm believer that he gave us these NATURAL foods for a reason....and everything, in moderation works together to create a healthy and vibrant lifestyle.
Cravings?   Really?   I honestly don't have cravings.  My binges are usually not based on a craving mentality.  They are usually born from emotions.  Any cravings....I've always said when I'm taking my multivitamins the cravings disappear anyway.  Cravings are our bodies telling us we need if we are getting our proper nutrients...bye bye cravings.  :-)

So as I went through this thought process  I went home and started folding laundry.  Out of my husbands pants pocket fell this packet of Pure Via.  Stevia. You know, we've all seen it.  We've all seen the ads. We've all heard about the product.  I picked it up off the floor where it fell and sat amazed that the package was somewhat intact after going through the washing machine AND dryer!  But as amazing as the package was...there was something that absolutely shocked me to no end!

I opened up the package and poured out the contents.  Holy cow. It poured out onto the surface like I had just poured it from a sugar bowl.  The grains of sugar were pure and unadulterated.  This sugar had been through the clothes washer AND dryer.  What?  It didn't dissolve in water??????   It didn't melt in the heat of the dryer?????     How can this be??????   OH wait....that's right.  While they say it's 'natural' there is something intrinsically wrong with this picture.  VERY wrong.  I think I'll stick with straight up sugar...because, oh wait.....that's natural too...but at least I know that organic sugar melts and dissolves in my gut!

I got out hiking yesterday and I walked with Sherry today.  Ok, so lunch ended up being at Bucca di Beppo.  Yummy Italian.  But my breakfast was really light as was my dinner.  Moderation and management!  

The awesome thing today????   This big boy was just hanging out near our house.  Gorgeous!!!!

Saturday, March 08, 2014

Why am I doing this Again?

Routine, work well when I am in a routine and things are going like 'normal'.  This week was anything but routine.  Snow (yes, again) on Monday cancelled Zumba.  Snow lingering on the ground on Tuesday and Wednesday (and remember I get off work at 6 so it's dark when I get off) kept me from running in the morning (ok and because I'm a wimp and don't run in snow and on ice).   No zumba due to fat tuesday and Ash Wednesday (the church uses the hall that we use) and well, it just blows my routine.  I ate half way decently, but there may or may not have been some brownies involved. (ironically enough, the days I ate the brownies I actually ate accordingly and didn't blow my calories).  Hopefully this week will get me back on track.

So as I struggled this week I had lots of thoughts going through my head.   I will admit that not all the thoughts were positive. One day I was getting ready to go to work and I was thinking about situations in my life and then my quest to be thin and I have to admit it.  What am I admitting?   Out loud for the world  (ok so it was just my cats in the house with me) to hear I said "Why am I doing this?"   You see, losing the weight is not going to 'save' my marriage.     It's not going to solve my financial woes.  It's not going to magically give me a career that I love.  It's not going to do lots of things.  Why am I denying myself the things I love when I'm not going to reap the benefits of my hearts deepest desire.  Why indeed!

I am happy to say that I didn't say that and just rush off to the kitchen to eat up a pan of brownies....or a bag of chips...or whatever.  I don't rightly know why not.  I think it was simply because my mind was just lethargic that day and I didn't have the brain power available to think about it so I just continued on with the path that I was on.  Maybe I did have a moment of clarity that said "continue on" .  I don't know.

Whatever the reason, this week I continued forward; pretty much on autopilot.  And then a chance encounter at a grocery store  made me step back and think about it deeply.

I was in the checkout line at the grocery store and the cashier looked at me and said "Do you like this product?"  It was for Smart Ones frozen pizzas.  I actually buy them for Todd...I'm not a big fan. I told her that....said that the smart ones tend to be high in sodium but they do the trick.  They manage portion control and are quick and easy that that sometimes is what we need to avoid McDonalds or other bad places (ok, they aren't bad but it just sounded good).  We got to talking.  She is 2 weeks into her journey.  I gave her a brief history.... "weighed over 300 pounds, lost 130 some pounds, gained a few back and now working to relose".  My brief history opened up the floodgates and she started talking.  She mentioned that someone had noticed her weight loss. For some reason, it brought back a memory.

I had lost probably about 100 pounds and I was walking down the street when a truck drove by.  The guy in the truck whistled.   I jumped and looked around to see who was around, because Fat girls don't get whistled at.   Much to my surprise I was the only one on the street and furthermore, the truck was at the stop sign and he was looking at me.   I was in shock.  Serious shock.  Here I was in my mid 30's and I had had my first 'whistle'.  Yeah, I'd like to say I was graceful and smiled, maybe flipped my hair over my shoulder all sexy like.   However, that wasn't the case.  In shock, I tripped and fell down.  I KID YOU NOT!

But you see, I was whistled at. ME.  I don't need to be whistled at to make myself feel good.  But honestly, I want to be the woman that IS whistled at!  I want that.

I talked to this cashier about the energy levels I had at my lower weight.  It was amazing.  Exercising takes time but I still had more than enough time in my day to get stuff done.  I want that!

The more I thought about the whistle the more I remembered the good things about being thin.  (and some I never lost when I started regaining, but if I don't get it in line, I will be in grave danger of losing these perks)

**Clothes that fit spectacularly
**Fitting on rides at amusement parks
**Towels that wrap the whole way around your body
**Clothes that can be purchased ANYWHERE, not just the fat woman's store...or in the fat woman's department
**Not being cramped in a table at a restaurant,
**going through a turnstile without having to squish my fat body through the tight space
**Self see when we feel food about ourselves, our self confidence flourishes

And yes, I could sit here and come up with a TON more  TONS

Maybe the perks do outweigh the choice of giving up what I love..

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Pain in the.......

I've been doing really good with my workouts.  I've been somewhat consistent this past week.  I can REALLY tell.  Yesterday my legs were feeling tight when I ran.  This morning I walked 5 miles and from that point onward I have felt the muscles in my legs.   My body is just tired.  I am due for a rest day.  It's been a few months since I actually 'felt' the physical need for a rest day.  It's a good feeling!

My eating today was NOT spot on.  But I'm ok with it.  I am not aiming for perfection.  I am not aiming for anything other than what works for me!  I'm aiming for eating to sustain myself, to continue to enjoy my food but not go overboard!

You know...the way life goes just amuses me.  Yesterday I was looking and my eye caught the Habitat for Humanity half marathon in September.  Its in Hancock, MD....and I believe utilizes the rail trail (which means the grade is pretty obscene hills).  I tentatively made a commitment to run that half.  And whadya know??????   Today the pain in my heel has kicked into high gear.  Yeah......that's the way things seem to roll.   I'm going to see what I can do.  I know that taping my foot helps....not just for running but general usage when it's really kicking.  So I'll be taping my foot here for the next few to ease it up.  And I'm going to push forward.  :-)  As for that's still on my radar.....nothing set in stone because of this stupid heel thing...but then again, I don't have to really seriously work on training for it until July.  Hmmmmmm   I just know that if I don't do it, I'm always going to wonder if I could have completed it.

I've also looked at some possible bike rides.  That will take work and perseverance too!  This is going to be MY YEAR! forecast of snow!   Aren't we lucky????

Saturday, March 01, 2014

When the going gets tough the tough gets going.......or not

I'm a quitter.  When things get tough I bail.  I realized this via the mindless games that I have on my phone.  Candy Crush for one.  About 6 months ago (more actually) I got stuck on some level (just shy of 300).  I played it religiously fully expecting that one day luck would be with me and I would move past that level.  But for some reason, the level eludes me.  Things got tough and I quit the game.  (yeah, every once in a while in a fit of boredom I go back....I'm still stuck so I quit again).   I quit.   So a while back I picked up and started playing Farm Story2  It's addicting....mindlessly addicting.  But when you get to the upper levels..wowzers, it's frustrating because I need so many's so hard to earn the coins....I need hammers and screws and deeds and maps and nails and ....the list goes on and on.  I have 4 major projects that I need to complete yet it will take me eons to get there and while I'm striving, I'm just opening up more levels....and each level brings more 'projects'.   I QUIT! It's too hard so I'm quitting! (ok so I'm not quite quitting, but I'm getting frustrated and that heralds quitting).

This pertains to weight loss and healthy pursuits too.  I can't tell you how many times I tried to complete the C25K program (at least four).   It hurt, it was tough......and time and time again I quit.   I can't even fathom how many times I have come on this blog or told someone in real life that "This is it...I"m serious about losing...I'm doing it!"   Time and time again I fall off and don't make it.  I quit......temptations abound and I cave under the pressure.  I quit. (Ok maybe not quit, but falter)

I don't want to be a quitter.  I want to be a finisher.  I don't want to tuck tail and flee when the going gets tough.  Ok, maybe Farm Story 2 is not the platform to take my stand to say I "WILL" finish this.  But my weight loss is.  My running attempts are. My biking (which I plan to do as soon as it warms up just a tad) is a perfect example of not giving up and quitting!   Quitting is NOT an action that I will longer!

Hand in hand with this friend last week told me that I'm too hard on myself.   Is this true?  Am I expecting too much from myself.  She was talking in conjunction to my mileage goals that I set up for myself each month (it's via the Move your A$$ Challenge on myfitnesspal......each month I chose my mileage and work toward my goal....everyone picks their own mileage goal). Yes, I squeak a lot of my months by at the last minute (I finished my last 8 miles for the month of February on the last day of the month).  But you know what?  I do it.  I strive to keep myself challenged.  Does that make me too hard on myself?

  I've thought about this a lot since we had the discussion just about a week ago.   I've come to the conclusion that, I'm not too hard on myself.  I have had a few things that I've had to back off of. (Last spring I was doing zumba 3 times a week...running 3 times.......random walks throughout the week....random gym visits through the week and I decided to add in the 30 day shred.......I made it a week or so and then I knew it wasn't I dropped some I recognize when I need to back off).    The thing about pushing myself and continually challenging myself to the point that it looks like I'm too hard on myself??????   I learn that my body is capable of AMAZING things.  If I hadn't pushed myself I would have no clue what I was capable of achieving.  THAT is something I would hate to miss out on!

My run today......well...I got out there.  Some runs are bang on great while others are  brutal slug fests. Today was a brutal slug fest.  The muscles in my legs were TIGHT TIGHT TIGHT and they just ddin't loosen up.  I pushed myself for about 1.5 miles and then gave up and walked.  Hey, at least I was out there!!!!