Saturday, October 25, 2008

Could this be the reason?

How I sleep, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

Imagine that this picture is my bed. I have long known that my husband is a bed hog....but add in the cats. Could this be the reason that I have a pulled muscle near my shoulder blade? (I can't remember specifically hurting it). I have three cats that like to sleep right up against me....not to mention my husband too. I truly am an acrobat whilst asleep! hmmmm I worry that Desi willl decide to join the fray of cats!

Well, I'm no where closer to stopping the screaming voices in my head. I talked to Todd quite a bit last night about what I am feeling. It made me actually put to words some of what I'm feeling
1. I'm tired of being somewhat obsessed with what I eat.
2. I'm really just honestly bummed out that I had one week of not watching closely to what I was eating ...not even pigging out. And I gained so much weight.
3. Stark realization of exactly how close I'm going to have to watch for the rest of my life if I continue to 'care'.
4. Would it be better to give up and be happy with not having to constantly worry.

Todd actually said the same words that JC said in a comment. He said yeah, you'll be happy for a bit. But when you have diabetes or a heart attack, then you will be more worried about those things. He said, "In essence you have a choice to make you constantly stay on your toes to keep the weight off....or down the line you constantly stay on your toes to keep your body artificially regulated with medications to control cholesteral, diabetes, heart disease, blood pressure, etc.

I know that his comments (and JC's comments) are correct. And I honestly don't want to go back to the 315 pound MaryFran. But I guess I want the 'easy' way out. Maintain my weight at a decent level but not have to work for it. But lets be honest....God didn't give me a body that would do that.

That said, even in the midst of all of this inner turmoil, I've been eating as healthy as possible. When I planned out our meals for next week, they are healthy meals. So at least something has stuck with me!

Oh, Todd had a theory about why I've packed on so much weight (about 10 pounds) in such a short period of time (2 weeks) without eating all that terribly (yeah, not as good as I normally eat, but not 100% off target, for the first week and really not bad at all during the second week). His theory. My body has been stuck in a rut for the last year at this 180 mark. It doesn't want to drop any's fighting it for all it's worth. So during those two weeks, even though I wasn't eating terrible (just not the greatest) my body saw the extras as a way to get itself further away from that 180 mark....and it stored every bit of fat that it could. Interesting theory!