Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Dirty Butt and Weight Loss

​I have been meaning to write.  Honest engine!    But life is not slowing down.  It is crazy.  No, we haven’t found our dream house yet….but not for lack of trying! And wow…just wow!   As if the house hunting isn’t enough angst….weight loss is not moving in the right direction.  Honestly, the stress and worry is not doing wonders for my weight loss efforts.  I have long admitted I wear my stress…..and that is holding true!

So let’s start with the house hunting!

We have been touring houses!  A few here and there.   It seems as if the longer we search the worse the houses get.  I kid you not.   At the very onset of house hunting we saw multiple houses that interested us and we even put in an offer on one of them.  But the last house hunting mission has  been the pits.  We saw a house that was so damp and wet in the finished basement that all the doors in the basement were swollen and would only open a crack, and I struggled to get my oversized  body into some of those rooms.  Or the roof that according to the listing was only 6 months old but was obviously older and leaking!  Yes! The attic area rafters were so wet and rotten that if you touched the wood you got a handful of rotten wood that would fall away.   No thank you.  Maybe I should talk about the house that was filled with beds.  Every room.  The people didn’t vacate and all sat on their beds staring at us as we walked through.  And my word.  The house reeked of dirty butt.  I know…I know, you can clean  and paint over dirty.  And I am open to that. But that house also had some major issues with the structure.   Let’s see, there was the house that was absolutely fantastic.  Tons of space (over 3000 square feet) and huge rooms.  But it ended up being in a bad neighborhood (which I suspected before we went…but I was hoping it would have been a half mile or so further down the road in a much nicer area.)  still don’t believe me?   Maybe the house that had space heaters because the furnace was inspected a few days earlier and had been inoperable and unsafe. Wow.

We are open to cleaning and some minor painting.  But we will be tapped out financially for a bit (gonna use most of not all of my accessible savings for down payment and closing costs) and can’t afford a ‘fixer upper’ that needs immediate repairs.    Our realtor is fantastic.   She works part time as a home inspector.  So she points out little things that we would most likely miss.  She doesn’t push to talk about how wonderful these pieces of junk houses are.  She points out features and either tells us things like Ohhh look at this…that is - new furnace….or ohhhh that looks like it could be a problem.     

So I know that my prayers will be answered and that the perfect home for us is out there and will be revealed in the perfect time.  But I have to admit that I am really having to constantly remind myself to keep the faith and believe.

Weight loss

So what is happening with my weight loss?   Absolutely nothing.   I have been indulging.  Nothing way out of control.  But I’m not perfectly inline with where I need to be either.  Tracking you ask, what’s that?  64 ounces of water?  You have to be kidding me!  I’m not doing what I know needs to be done.   Luckily my weight is fluctuating in the same 2-3 pound range and I haven’t gained crazily.  But I’m not losing either!

I know that stress is driving me towards the food. And while understandable, it is not ok.   But then the vicious cycle starts.  I eat and feel stuffed and guilty and like a failure and that just makes me turn to food to assuage my emotions.  Which in turn brings more angst.  And then I think again about house hunting and you got it, I turn toward food.   Luckily I don’t eat every time I turn toward food.  But the desire is in my head. It’s my comfort and my mind craves that comfort in these times of stress and upset.  I don’t always cave…I sometimes can stand firm.    Either way, I’m not doing the greatest.  Luckily this far I’ve been able to at least hold steady…but I have to make the change and fix myself…my mind in terms of food and my weight!

So that is the scoop!   Crazy times.  House hunting and work…(which is also still crazy but I’m really working on not letting it get to me…not an easy task but I’m trying).  Life is crazy and while we sometimes don’t have any control over the speed that this rollercoaster of life brings to us.  What we do have control over is how we react to the dips and valleys.  That is what I need to focus on.  Remembering to rely on my faith and belief in the power of prayer is one thing.  The other thing is to stop feeding my emotions…and hopefully if I stop feeding the emotions literally my mind will get with the program and stop dreaming about feeding my emotions!

Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Life’s Rollercoaster

​Life is one big rollercoaster.  Ups and downs.  Valleys and highs.  Craziness around every corner.  Sometimes the rollercoaster is a gentle one.  Serenely allowing you to see the passing scenery without to many crazy dives.  But sometimes the rollercoaster is intense.  There is nothing serene about this rollercoaster ride.  It takes you from highs to lows alarmingly fast.  It twists and turns and leaves you feeling out of control.  I am very much so on a wild life rollercoaster right now.

House Hunting

Have you taken a look at the housing market lately?  It is crazy!   We see a house go on the market on Monday and by Wednesday, Friday at the latest it is sold.  I have arrived at a house went on the market in the morning and I was lucky enough to get an appointment at 11AM….and when I arrived, the house already had a bid on it!  How crazy is that?  When they receive a bid. They leave the bids open for 2-3 more days…to encourage multiple bids….so you want your bid to stand out and look good.  How can you do that?  One way is a bidding war of course.  They are asking one price…offer more and put in a stipulation that you will go higher and how high you will go. (It will increase 1k increments).   Many people are waiving all inspections.  Does the furnace actually work?  Who knows…. What about the air conditioner, the appliances do they work?  Does the roof leak?  Is the septic system leaking and needing replaced? Without an inspection you are taking a huge risk.   But people are going without inspections right and left!  Crazy I tell you!  Oh and let me mention again that if you see a house that you like, you better make an offer that day…that minute.  I know it’s a big purchase but you just don’t have time to think about it.  Split second decions.

So we are actively house hunting.  Touring and looking.  Dreaming and thinking.  Jason does not do well with split second decisions….he likes to ponder and think.  It’s who he is and how he operates for any purchase he makes.  Me, well I worry and ponder the money issue.  I’m better at split second decisions…but I panic and ponder and worry about the financial end.  So you can see the rollercoaster dips and valleys that we are encountering.

About a week ago we saw a house pop up on the market. We made an appointment.  We liked the house.  We liked it enough to actually put in a bid.  The roller coaster of life picked up speed and intensity.  And then the rollercoaster rolled and twisted….our offer was turned down and a different offer accepted. 

Sure we were bummed out. I won’t lie and say any different.  But I will say that we have been praying for the perfect house…in the perfect time for us.  So we are trusting God and saying that the house was not for us.  We started hunting again.  We haven’t seen anything again that interests us enough to put in a bid…but we are certainly looking.

The rollercoaster ride of house buying continues.  If we want to buy a house, the rollercoaster ride will continue….and I accept that it will be an intense ride.  Because I well know the thrill, excitement and happiness of a great rollercoaster ride!

Weight loss

I restarted a few weeks ago on this weight loss journey.   I was committed and I saw success the first week!   The second week I went backwards, although I was sure that it was due to my monthly ick.  Week three I was able to recoup week two’s gain and even lose a bit.   But week four….the house hunting rollercoaster threw me into a tailspin.  I stopped tracking and while I was still making healthier choices, I wasn’t on 100% on track.  So week four I went backwards again in my journey.  I won’t even pretend that it was anything other than my fault.  

I am still clinging to the ‘Geronimo’ motivation.  I want to win this badly!   I want the bragging rights.  

But I know to get those bragging rights, I need to be consistent with my efforts.  I know how to lose weight.  It may be harder and slower the older I get, but I know how to do it.  I just need to do it!!!  Right now my weight loss journey is a crazy with highs and lows.  I am the one that can change this rollercoaster to a nice serene coaster…I have control of this rollercoaster!

We all experience the rollercoaster of life.  Right now I’m on the crazy intense ride.  But that’s ok.   Because the crazy intense rides that are full of flips and twists and turns are the ones that sometimes  elicit the best responses and feelings.   The roller coaster of life is the same.  The intense life rides are the ones that bring change and are the spark for us to improve ourselves.  

Saturday, March 12, 2022

Over the Hump

​I am hoping that I am over the hump of the slump that naturally occurs during a weight loss journey.   The hump for me is usually in that second  to third week of loss.  It’s that point where the excitement of the journey starts to wear off and the sheer immensity of the journey I am (once again) embarking upon hits me.  But I crossed over that hump and I’m on the other side still intact!

Week Three of my Weight Loss Journey 

Last week I wrote about my week two.  It was a seesaw of emotions for sure.  I was spot on with my efforts but the weight didn’t come back off!  In fact, I regained what I had lost in week one!  Can we say frustrating?  I tried to remind myself that my monthly  cycle was to blame (and I use the word monthly as it is more like every two months at this point….just come on and end already!).    But even knowing how my body reacts to my cycle, I was still discouraged.  I didn’t let up though.  No, I stayed the course!

I rolled into week three determined to stay strong and stay the course.  I am convinced that  my plan of lots of fruit and veggies and my weekend calorie goal of 1500 or under and my weekday calorie goal of 1300 or under is solid and a good one for me.  A nice balance of splurge and restriction.  And even though that 1500 (for me) won’t let me lose a lot of weight…it should at least keep me from gaining.  Yes for me, I typically struggle to even maintain my weight with any calorie intake 1500 or above.    I stayed strong over the weekend.  And on Monday my weight rigged itself back to what my previous weeks weigh in number had been.  I let out a huge sigh of relief and vowed to settle in for a work week of healthy eating.

I would love to say that my weekdays were all perfect. However there was a cheese incident.   One day for lunch I went to cut a slice of cheese to have with my lunch….totally accounted for and budgeted into my caloric budget.  But it tasted so delicious and I lost control of my addiction.  I didn’t lose control that day.  No I held myself to the single slice of cheese.  It was the next day that I lost control.  I ate my lunch and I did not have cheese on the plan but all I could think about was that cheese and how good it was.  I caved and had some cheese….and then some more…and well, I  ate around 500 calories of cheese!  I say around…I was eating out of control.  No counting, weighing or measuring.      I pulled myself out of my madness though.  It was a single incident during the work week.

Emotional Wreck

Jason and I went house hunting and toured some houses with our realtor.  We saw one that we liked, but there are some reservations. We are not moving on it.  The realtor advised us that that house will move fast (almost everything is selling within days).  Since we were not in love with it, we are holding off.  We are praying for the right house for us.  And in those prayers, if that is the right house, then we are praying that for whatever reason it won’t sell quickly.     I enjoyed our day of looking at houses…but stressed about finding a house and everything involved.

Work is continuing to totally stress me out.  Really badly! I am not even going to go into it the particulars.  Bad enough that I’m not able to sleep some nights with worry and the stress.  Some of their actions make me feel as if my job is no longer secure.  The things they ask us to do is near impossible.  And the instructions they give are faulty and if you ask you get three different answers, and if you ask for clarification well…it doesn’t go well.  (I’ve been reprimanded for pushing for clarification on something that was unclear and/or obviously incorrect….I’ve been on the team longer than most of my superiors…so know the program inside and out…and some of them seem to like to answer questions, not by saying ‘I don’t know but let me check’ but by making a decision on how they think we should proceed without checking with our clients or their coworkers. And in ways that I know will not work along side of other directives that we have been given).

Yesterday while we were house hunting we ended up driving through Sharpsburg, the town I lived in when I was previously married. We drove by my old home.  (My word he has it looking like some hillbilly place with junk out in the yard….ha). But that drive by sparked the conversation and memories.  And not the good memories…the negative.  And I started to cry…and couldn’t stop.  The mental /emotional abuse has obviously left scars that are still tender, just buried deep.  The biggest thing that I realized…it’s all making more and more sense.  I am just a doormat.  I am a bit of a doormat For this person in my life that I love (and I know they love me in their own way) that occasionally hurls negative comments at me.  Work that keeps pushing more and more work on me….yet seems to delight in telling me how I’m not doing enough or doing so much wrong.  (In fairness, most of my coworkers that are in my position feel the same way so this is not myself.   But I’m a doormat for my employer and they wipe their feet on my frequently.   I was a doormat for my ex husband for sure.     It wasn’t a pleasant revelation.   Even worse…..I have no clue how to not be.  I am just me…and apparently ‘me’ is a easy target for doormat status.

Week Three Weigh In

I had my official weigh in for my third week of this newest phase of my weight loss journey.  I wasn’t expecting much.  I have been up and down all week.  But step on the scales I did.  After all, I do it every day AND I needed to weigh in for my official weekly weigh in.  I am not a proponent of skipping a weigh in simply because I suspect it may be bad.  I want to see how bad so I can celebrate the next week when I see that ‘hopefully’ temporary gain disappear.  So even though I didn’t expect greatness, I stepped on the scale!  Ahhh I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I lost!  The weight that I had temporarily gained last week (most likely due to my cycle of ick) was gone.   Not only was that weight gone…but another pound had disappeared!   In total, during the last three weeks I have lost 4.7 pounds.  I’ll take it!!

I don’t know the answer to the Maryfran is a doormat problem, but I’m going to work on it.  My weight loss journey isn’t just about losing physical pounds.  It is about losing the pounds of baggage that I carry within me. It is about making me healthy inside and out.  I’m heading into week four of this new phase of my weight loss journey.  I’m excited to see what week four will bring me.   There may be more tears.  There may be sweat.  There may be less food than what I WANT.  But I know that I am planning to give it my all!  And in the back of my mind…I’m saying Geronimo!  Because yes, I have a real live goal/motivation!

Monday, March 07, 2022

See-Saw of Weight Loss

​The seesaw of a weight loss loss journey is absolutely crazy!   One one hand,  this last week of losing weight was an absolute victory!   But on the other hand, Losing weight was an absolute failure…but then on second thought, maybe it wasn’t so much of a failure.  Win or lose, who knows?

Victory in Weight loss

I just completed week two of my restart and recommitment to weight loss. Week two is sometimes the most difficult one for me.  The first week I am gung ho and full of hope, but by week two the long term aspect of this journey has hit and I falter. I am so proud to say that I rolled through week two with flying colors!   I kept my calories totally in check!   Once again, During the week I kept my calories under 1300 calories and during the weekend I kept it under 1500.  This is working for me.  I feel as if I am ‘splurging’ on those weekends with those extra calories, but those extra calories allow me to go out to eat and/or indulge in a small dessert. But that splurge is not breaking the bank or rather breaking the scale! 

I have  been keeping this ‘poorly made’ (on Jasons part) bet/challenge  in my mind.   I have been saying (mostly in my head) ‘Geronimo’ when I am thinking about food and indulging in something that is not within my food budget.   Yes, I am that competitive, even though there is like a 100% chance that I won’t really make Jason jump if/when the time comes.  But I will definitely hold it over his head, probably forever!   I’ll be 99 years old and saying ‘maybe I’ll make you jump this year….because you know; I won!  It’s that thrill that I am fighting for… not so much to actually make him jump.  Although you know….maybe he will willingly face his fear and jump!  :-)

So I mentioned poorly made bet?  Yes, Jason realized that his bet was poorly made…..the next morning when his buzz had worn off!  (I have no shame….I very willingly made a bet when I knew he had a few beers in him!  I on the other hand was completely sober!). He has tried to backtrack and add in a time limit for me to complete my weight loss.  He has also tried to add in something equally ferocious for me to face should I not lose this weight.  But I just keep reminding him that we shook hands on the deal and you can’t go back and unshake our hands or change  the rules after the fact.  And I’m pretty sure that it’s obvious that I’m not interested in adding amendments to our agreement….why would I?  :-)   So yeah, when we were out getting lunch the other day and I was looking at calories and different options, he was looking at me and I just gleefully said ‘geronimo!’    I’m having fun with it!

Trying to get back to being active

We have been so lazy lately.  We are taking lots of lazy weekends.  Very little exercise.  It’s no wonder, the weather has  been cold and icky!  Each weekend we say ‘next weekend we are getting outside’!  But…you know how those vows usually work out, they don’t!    But this weekend the weather here in Maryland was fabulous.  We were running errands and on Saturday we walked through a park.  We didn’t have a whole lot of time…so it was short but we got out!   This ugly duck has always been one of my favorites…but his eyes…Poor old guy can’t see well!

On Sunday we started lazy…but we knew what the weather was supposed to be so we got ourselves outside.  We went to the canal and walked for a few hours.  It felt good to be outside.  My legs felt so tired after walking for a few hours.  But, it was awesome to see some green start to pop up here and there!

I have continued to ride the exercise bike every work day! I’m not too far ahead of schedule with miles for my 2022 mile challenge but I’m definitely not behind…right on schedule!   We also continue to walk every evening for about 25-30 minutes. 

Work and House Hunting Stress

I’m gearing up for another work week of fun.  We (I) have tried to change and tried to talk to managers…to no avail. I do get my breaks…just usually quite delayed.  (One day I got my break literally at 4:15 and I get off at 4:30.   And I only got it because I put my foot down and said ‘I’ve been asking to take my break since 2:30 and I leave in 15 minutes.”   They knew they had no choice other than to give me the break.     I am hanging on.  We are in house buying mode.  Changing jobs at this point would really mess up the pre approval and all of that stuff!  But when we have signed a loan and settled in, I will have nothing tying me to this job!

We are continually looking at houses.  Went through one this past weekend and hope to see a few new ones that are coming onto the market this next weekend.  We also still have a for sale by owner house that we are interested in.  We have toured that and expressed our interest.  The owners are having some work done, but were unable/unwilling  to give us a price of what they are asking and wanting to get for the house.   So we are in limbo with that.  If we knew that the price was in the range that we want to pay we would settle back and wait patiently. But…who knows! I know what it will most likely go for.  But that doesn’t mean they won’t ask some outrageous price.

Weight Loss Journey Weigh In

I had my official weigh in this past weekend and here is the other side of the weight loss seesaw.  I was so proud of myself to have a fabulous week with tracking and staying on plan.  But when I stepped on the scale for my official weigh in, I was up.  Like literally everything I lost  during my first week of being back on track had come back!  I kept telling myself ‘it’s water retention due to your out of what  cycle’. But even saying that is doesn’t take away the frustration and hopelessness that one feels when you see that  a week of great efforts meant nothing on the scales and in fact garnered a gain!  

I didn’t allow myself to stop though.  I kept telling myself, ‘stay the course and your efforts WILL pay off’.  I kept my calories at my weekend goal level all weekend, I didn’t let up!

This morning I woke up and like normal I stepped on the scale.  Not for my official weigh in, but just for a wee little check on progress (I weight daily…but only count one specific day as my official weigh in…this works for me.). I was soooo happy to see that my weight went back down to what it was before this last seesaw week.   Can I hope that I can get back to losing???   

The seesaw was crazy during this week of weight loss efforts.  Pride in my weight loss efforts fought with the frustration at the numbers on the scale.  The question is, what won that battle?  What won  was the drive to succeed and to make week three a great weight loss week!  The drive to see the results of week three!   So watch out, I’m planning on hopping off the seesaw.  I’m planning on having a spectacular week of efforts coupled with an amazing weight loss!!

Wednesday, March 02, 2022

Having fun…..Or Not

​Are we having fun yet?  I’m not so sure I am!   Work is not fun.  My stress levels are not so much fun.  Oh and let’s not forget that my weight loss journey is not fun at all!   I’m not having fun in life right now am I?

Work fun (sarcastic fun)

Work has been absolutely insane lately.   We are crazy busy.   There is not enough time in the day to complete what they ask of us.  So we are left with two options.  1.  Come in early/stay late/work through our breaks…off the clock.  Or 2.  Have this manager or another manager constantly asking about why such and such isn’t done.   We (my coworkers) are constantly being belittled and micromanaged by the people in positions above us. We are singly called out for things that either everyone is doing or is something that they are just announcing to the whole team that you didn’t do….even though it isn’t due until that work day, it’s only 8:30 and you just arrived at 8am.  We have to literally ask to go to the bathroom…take a break….or go to lunch.  I have had a break scheduled at 9:30 AM that I wasn’t allowed to take until 11:15.   Not much that we do is good enough.  It’s terrible and causes quite a bit of stress. I wake up with nightmares about this job.  (And it’s not just me…two coworkers have started taking anxiety meds. Another told me about how she can’t sleep at night worrying about this job.   A different one just called out sick and told me how she just laid in bed depressed and upset about this job.).  

House Hunting Fun

We are house hunting.  We are pre approved and ready to go.  But have you taken a look at the housing market recently?  It’s nuts!  Our lease is up in July and I’m already panicked about the switch over…I’m stressed about finding something in time so we have a place to live…but not too early because we can’t afford paying a mortgage and rent both!  Can we find something that makes both of us happy?   I’m just worried.  

Weight loss Fun

Weight loss just sucks some time!  Last week I watched my calories so closely and I did amazing.  My calories were right where I planned.  

I actually aim for the 1280 mark and my average for the week was spot on!  I actually lost a fair amount of weight at my official weigh in.   3.6 pounds to be exact.

And then this week started….  No my calories have been 100% in check since my weight in day (which was Saturday).   A bit higher on weekend but still in my lose zone!

Yet my weight this week popped back up to my starting weight.   Yes, you read that right.  That 3.6 pound weight loss that I showed last Saturday…the pounds that I saw slowly disappearing all through last week came back.  

Yes, I weight in daily.  I know that there are normal fluctuations and I only count my weekly weigh in as the official one.  But the daily weigh in keeps me on track and on target.  It’s disheartening to see the weight pop up and then look at the calories and know that I am being 100% on track!   (And I’m drinking my water too!)

I’m not giving up.  It’s only Wednesday.  My body has until Saturday to ‘get with the program’.  I will keep eating right.  The scales will catch up with my efforts…eventually.   Is it stress affecting my weight.  Could be.  Is it hormones affecting my weight?  (Yes, my cycle is all whacked out …I’m at that age you know.). Could be.  Could my body just be doing it’s own dang thing?  Could be.   But the bottom line is that I am doing what is right and good for my body…..and I will continue!

No giving up!!