Wednesday, January 16, 2019

Weight journey and shifting emotions

Finding happiness in this journey is a mixed bag of success and failure!  On any given day I can go from satisfied with my progress to utter despair at where I am. It seems as if my emotions are swinging wildly in every direction!   I’m happy with myself one minute but then shortly thereafter, I’m almost in tears at the state that I have allowed my body to disintegrate into.

Last Saturday I stepped onto the scale for my official weekly weigh in.  I was hoping to see good results for my first week and a half of this new month (and new year).  I waited for the scales to settle and then looked down at the number on the scale. I quickly calculated my numbers and saw that I had managed a 2 pound loss in the first week and a half!   Victory!!!!!  I barely refrained from dancing a jig right there on the scales!   I followed my normal morning routine and stepped into the shower after my weigh in.  And that is where I had an immediate and complete change in my thought process.   Where I had looked at the difference in numbers just a few moments earlier, I was now focused on the actual number.  250.8.  Ouch!  How horrible is that?   I was filled with shame.  I was filled with fury at myself for allowing myself to get back to that point.   I was filled with utter despair at the long path before me!   In a matter of minutes I had gone from complete exhilaration to utter despair.  

My emotions really do run the gamut during a typical week.  It is crazy and I really have no clue how to rectify it.  I can tell myself to ‘just be happy’ with the process.  I can tell myself to settle in and enjoy the ride. And I do tell myself these things.  However, it’s been hard recently.  

I didn’t allow myself to give up after my Saturday weigh in and shift of emotions.  While my calories were higher over the weekend following that weigh in, it was not binge eating or even ‘I give up’ eating.  It was simply weekend eating ...or if you want to call it something it ‘living’.   (As a side note, I still ate well under the calorie level that Myfitnesspal says that I need to eat to maintain!  I was still in a ‘losing’ caloric range.)

However, my weight popped up on Monday.  (Which added to the discontent.). I haven’t let it deter me.  It had made me tighten my belt and dig in harder.  I KNOW that I have the mental fortitude to do this.  I just need my body to cooperate with my efforts!  I didn’t let the negative numbers slow me down.   I allowed the emotions to run through me and I looked at those numbers and said ‘I won’t let you get to me, I WILL just work harder!’   I used thenegative emotions to push me harder.

One thing I thought about today in my shower.  (Why yes...I do have deep thoughts in the shower...and while I am out running!). My thought was that I need to get back to the ‘three pound range’.   Last summer I instituted a three pound rangefew with in my mind.  It basically is a plan that I take the lowest number I’ve seen on the scales and as long as I’m fluctuating within 2-3 pounds, I’m ok...normal fluctuation.   So at my current most recent low weight of 250.8 I would be within ‘fluctuation’ range as long as I remained lower than 253.8.    This is just one more way to take away that stigma of in fact embrace it!  In embracing the fluctuations I am devaluing the message that the scales give me, which will lessen the impact that those numbers have.

I know that my feelings are swinging wildly in all directions as I embark (reembark) upon this road to health.  And yes, I refuse to say on this path to thinness....because that is not my ultimate ultimate goal is health!   Being thin is a side affect...a fabulous side affect.   I don’t know why they are swinging wildly, but the only thing I can do is to make sure that when they are negative that I use the negative thoughts to spur me forward!  The other thing is that for some reason I have not been turning toward prayer about this journey.  I pray about numerous other things on a daily basis, but I haven’t been turning to prayer in regards to this journey. I have made that adjustment.   Meanwhile, I push forward!

This journey toward health is an emotional one.   There ARE so many conflicting emotions that run the gamut in terms of how we feel.   They are not going to go away.  They will be there. It’s another thing that we need to embrace. Once we embrace those feelings we can turn them to positive.   We can figure out a way to make them less impactful.  We can also figure out how to turn the negative emotions into motivation  to propel us further toward our goals.  They aren’t a bad thing, these emotions are all part of the healing process as I get healthy!

And just is another picture from our weekend walk in the snow!