Wednesday, October 13, 2010


I've pulled up blogger for the last few days.  And the empty screen sits and stares at me. I write nothing and at the end of the day I 'X" out of it...not a word written.

How do you say I've failed miserably.  How does one say that I have allowed myself to slide back further than I ever thought possible.  How does one say that this addiction that I struggle with has gripped me and made me forget everything that I have worked for. 

I have never totally stopped trying or caring.  But caring for 3 days or 4 days or even five days out of the week doesn't cut it.  Caring from the time i wake up until 6PM..only to follow up with an evening of food extragavanza doesn't cut it.  I have been the same weight for roughly the last 6 months or so.  I lose 4-5 pounds...then gain 4-5 pounds.  I'm on a teeter-totter.....and I HATE it.  I look at myself and feel hatred for allowing myself to regain 50 pounds.  Yes, 50 pounds.  I want to cry.  I want to wail.  I want to gnash my teeth.  I want to scream.  I'm in utter anguish.  Yet I try and try and try again and again....just to fail.  The lure of food.  My addiction in a nutshell. 

I know that it's possible to pull myself out of this.  To lose the weight again.  And I also know that it's possible to keep the weight off.  I need to dig deep within myself.  Focus on myself.  Do this for all the right reasons.   And this time, when I say I will never again be in the two hundreds...I will actually take care to make sure that never happens.  I will NOT have a repeat of this.  It is debilitating.....and I know that physical issues aside...I NEVER want to feel the emotional stress of this again!

So what is my plan?    I'm taking it one day at a time.  Focusing on eating right for ONE day.  Not looking at the big picture of how much I have to lose.  Focusing on doing the right thing simply for that one day.  Tomorrow is a new day...and I'll worry about eating right when that day comes.  I'm going to focus on my old system.....a sticker a day in my calender for each day on extra sticker for each day of exercise.  And a sticker at the end of the week for my weekly challenge met.  I did this about 3-4 years ago and it was encouraging to see the rows of stickers indicating daily success.  It was also sobering and eye opening to see a few days go by with no stickers.  

This week is admittedly rough....todd is having all sorts of tests that require fasting....liquid diets...whatnot.  So whenever he has a window where he can eat....we go....and of course I eat with him!  Not good. 

I'm still doing Zumba twice a week.  I may actually go for broke tonight (I missed a session last week) and do a make up session before my normal 2 hours of zumba.  I can do it!  I did 4 hours (or more) back in July....OUTSIDE under the sun and in the heat!  I need to do something else though...2 days of workouts is NOT enough each week.  I need to push it up a notch.  

My weekly goal for this week...exercise THREE times.  And much as I want to cheat and count my double workout tonight as two times...NOPE...counting it as ONE.