Bring it on

 My official weigh in this week was not kind.  I gained back all that I lost last week!  I don't know how!  Seriously, I have no clue!   I have been forced to look deeply within myself.   I am following this 75 hard challenge to the tee and I am not losing weight.  There is a huge problem with that.  

I can't blame not losing on lack of water consumption. I can't blame it on lack of exercise.  I can't blame it on calories because I've been eating within my caloric range.  No, this challenge has forced me to look deeper because something is wrong.

I sat out to compare two weeks. One where I lost and the next where I gained.   Here is what I found.

 

So you can see that my steps and my calories were pretty close to each other, so those couldn't be the culprit.  Also similar was my carb, fiber and cholesterol intake.   The differences came into play in terms of protein, sugar and fat.    

 So that is where I am focusing my attention.   First on protein!   I'm really working to get my protein to 80g each day.  When you don't really care for much meat, that is difficult!  But if I want to see change, I need to change.  So bring on the protein!

It's 4 AM you Ninny!

I was in the middle of writing a long post about the urge to give up, updates on life, beekeeping and all things my life, health and happiness yesterday  and I stepped away from the computer and poof, it was gone!    ~~deep sigh~~   So here I am again!  This time on the computer (I was writing it previously on my phone).   This post is not getting away from me!

I'm Not Giving up
The last two weeks have been a real struggle.  I have been so frustrated with my weight loss efforts.  Ok, not really with my efforts.  I'm frustrated with the numbers on the scale, how I feel and how my clothes fit.I have been for the last few weeks eating about 1500 calories.  I've been exercising.  I've been doing it!  Yet I'm not losing and in fact I may even have gained a pound or two.   Talk about frustrating!  So I reevaluated where I am and what I'm doing.   I looked back to what I have been doing in the past when I have been successful.   I came up with two things.  Cut calories and lower my intake of carbs.

I talked in my last post about the carbs already.  I know that I can have 1 serving of bread/pasta/potatoes a day.  I've known this for a while.  Yet it seems so innocent to just have a small sandwich at lunch.   Seriously, it's just a sandwich. However, that is true, except that I don't cut my complex carb from dinner.  I'm within my calories so no harm done right?   However, that is not right.  For me this doesn't work.  So back to limiting.   I'm ok with limiting, it allows me to have my much loved carbs but still lose.  (Oh heavens, I hope that this rule never changes!)  I have been working to enact this change.

The second thing that I am working to change is my calorie count.   I have been eating about 1500 calories.   I have LONG known that this doesn't work for me, yet I keep bumping my calories to that 1500 level.   1200 calories is where I need to be.   Yes, I know that seems low, but this has been tested time and time again in my life.  I first discovered it while I was losing with weight watchers.   Every time I tried to eat all of my weekly points, I would maintain or even gain.   Likewise, if I tried to eat my 'earned points' (earned through exercise) I would gain.   I had to keep my calories at the lower level.   I've encountered this numerous more times over the years.   In terms of calories 1200-1300 calories is my magic.   That's not a lot of calories!   So naturally more calories creep in...and if it's just a random day of 1500 calories I'm ok.  But when one day turns into 2 or 3 or weeks worth, then I don't lose!   So I'm getting strict again about keeping it at 1200!  

It's working!  Not fast, but I'm seeing the trend on the scales going down.

Exercise

Exercise has been really rough this week.   The alarm goes off at 5AM and I have only been able to muster up the gumption to exercise 2 times out of the last 5 days.  I've been just so tired, so sluggish and so unmotivated.  It wasn't until about midway through the week that it hit me.  The time change!   My body has been screaming at me.  It's been saying "It's 4AM you ninny!"  It doesn't seem like a huge difference but 4AM is sooo much worse than 5AM (and 5 AM isn't fun either!)

Beekeeping Class

I went to my second night of beekeeping class.  It is quite enjoyable.  Ok, I love learning new things, so I didn't expect it to be anything else.  However, I almost let my fear of trying something new keep me from it, but the fear was more "where to go, how to find it," etc and not fear about learning something new.  I'm glad I didn't let my fear win.  

Are we ready to pull the trigger on purchasing the set up and the bees?   Yeah, I think I am.  Sure, I"m scared senseless about the prospect but I'm ready.  What may hold me up is finances and time.  It will be a bit of outlay of expenses this year, and not sure we can swing it!   Secondly, there is time.  Ok, not really time, but the timing of all of this.   Shipments of bees are happening literally in 2 weeks.  Some places are already 'out' of bees to purchase.   So being ready at the right time may not happen.   But we will be ready for next year it not.

Weekend

We have a busy weekend planned.  We HAVE to get those bare root trees and plants into the ground.  We don't want them to move out of their dormant state!  This is a grocery week. It is also a week to clean the bird cage.  There are also a few other things that may or may not be happening!

Recipe Project

I have been working diligently on my mothers recipes.   This has been a much bigger project than I first thought when I took on the project.  So what is the project?   Gathering all of my mothers recipes, digitizing them and compiling them together.  Sounds easy and quick right?  NO, it has been huge!  Some  recipes that are near impossible to read. 

But that wasn't what made it a huge task.   What made it difficult was the fact that mom never settled on any one organization system for her recipes.  She had grand ideas though.  My oldest nephew and I have worked on cookbooks, baking magazines and recipes a few times together and we have laughed so hard because we have come across no less than 5 different organizational ideas for recipes.  Mom tried each one, but never really managed to finish any of them.   The problem with these multiple organization systems and the lack of any set system is that each time she started a new system she copied her tried and true and most used recipes into the new system.  So we are talking multiple versions of some of these recipes.   The lack of system also caused multiples as she had the same recipe written on a card and tucked in multiple books, magazines and drawers.   

Still not convinced this project was huge.   Right now, I am at 450 plus UNIQUE recipes.   That doesn't include the duplicates! 

It has been interesting to see the evolution of mom's baking through the years.  I found recipes from when we were kids.  Very basic and simple recipes.   I found fancier recipes that she used when she was a personal chef for some local priests.  Just this past week I found the recipes from the restaurant.  Yes, my grandmother owned a restaurant for years and my mom cooked there. (I also worked there doing short order, waitress and whatever else was needed).  The restaurant recipes were in my grandmothers handwriting!   The last evolution of my mom's baking was when she baked and sold her baked goods at a stall at various farmers markets.  How interesting to see my mom's life in recipes!

 So what am I going to do with these recipes?  First and foremost, it is for family.  For our use, for our memories.  I have toyed with a book...but where to begin with 450 plus recipes!

 

I remain  busy and active and taking steps to make my life, my health, myself the best version of me!

 

 

Frustrated and Fighting the Urge to GIve UP

 I have trying to lose weight!  It is the most frustrating experience one can have!  I mean, don't get me wrong; when I am actually losing I feel amazing.  I am on top of the world and all is fantastic.  But when the weight is not coming off it is the most demoralizing and horrible experience.

The weight was starting to come off and things were going well at the end of January and the beginning of February.  I was on top of the world.   Then my mom died.   I actually held it together for the week of her death.   I was so proud.  I didn't succumb to all the tempting and bad foods.  I was doing great!  I had won...right?

Yeah, how wrong I was.  All  can say is that I let down my guard.  In fairness that first week was more surreal.  It wasn't until the second week that it really hit me with the sheer loneliness and grief.  I haven't gained mad weight.  I"m actually still within a 3 pound range...with the bottom edge skirting where I was when my mom died...but more often at the top of the 3 pound range.  SO I guess I should admit to a three pound gain.  What is worse?  I'm still trying to lose and it's just not coming off!  I mean seriously, my calories were never over 1500!  NEVER.

I looked at my food closely and I saw a problem area.  I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich each day for lunch.   Seems innocent right?  Except that in my personal experience I know that eating bread/potatoes/pasta can only be a one a day thing for me.  By eating it for lunch I should have forwent it for dinner ,but I was not!  So that is what I think my issue is.  I think! I hope! So I'm working to change that!

 I have been working on deep cleaning things around the house.  I have been wiping down kitchen cabinets.  I am also taking the time to move things around in the kitchen.  I've lived here two years and I sat back and really thought about the kitchen to think about what was working and what was 'annoying'.  I have juggled a few things around to hopefully be more efficient and less 'annoying'.   I"m happy with what I have been getting done!

We finally bought some fruit trees for our property!  I am so excited.  THey are bare root trees, so we can/need to plant them soon!  I also got my strawberries!  YIPEE!  I'm so excited!

    Trees:

        3 Apple (Fuji, Honey Crisp, Golden Delicious)
        1 peach

        3 blueberries (three different types...these are Jason's babies)

        kiwi

        blackberries (we have one wild blackberry on the very edge...but these are designed for container                 gardening so will go on our front porch in containers)

    Cherry (a bush)....we have a cherry tree but it doesn't produce...hopefully the bush will be a good                     pollinator for it!

 

I have also started attending a beekeepers class.  SO we are really thinking about starting our bee colony this year!  WOO HOO!   We haven't given up on the chickens.....but might just do the bees first!

 

That's about it for here.  Just trying to lose weight and making it through each day!

 

 

I didn't give up

So here we are, another week halfway done.Where is time going??   I looked at my last post and I was like "where in the world did time go" , I honestly feel as if I posted yesterday, yet it was 10 days ago!  I've gotten back into the 'normal routine' and have been working on the new normal.  So here is what I have been up to.

Word of the Week

Last week my word of the week was routine.    This week I chose the word Trust for my word.  I knew that I really needed to trust that my healthy habits would bring me the desired results.  It's hard to continue to watch what I'm eating, exercise daily, get my miles in, etc etc etc  and just TRUST that my efforts will work.  So that is exactly what I needed this week.  Trust that my efforts WILL parlay into weight loss.

Little did I know that it would REALLY be a week of trust when I chose the word.   Yesterday I hopped on the scales and I was aghast!  The scales were showing me up!  WAY up!  What in the world.  I know that I made some cookies over the week, but I had accounted for them in my tracker!  Why was I up so much! I stepped into the shower and stood under the stream of hot water reeling from what I saw.   And I had to tell myself to "trust".   Trust the healthy habits that you have put into place MaryFran, is what I had to tell myself!  

After I got myself calmer and over the shock of seeing a number that I didn't want to see, I was able to remind myself that I had been working on a healthy habit that almost always causes a spike in my weight before an eventual drop.   And even if that's not the reason for the weight spike....well.....trust!

 

Water 

 I bought a new water bottle this past weekend!  YAY, I love new water bottles!  I always think that a new water bottle will be the magic that I need to get my goal amount of water into my body! But even before I bought the new water bottle, I was working on getting in my water.   It took me a few days to realize that the cramps that I was having in my legs every night while I slept (waking me up)  were most likely caused by dehydration!    Yes, I was quite dehydrated.  As soon as I realized that, I started pounding water.  What typically happens though is that our bodies will then store all that water.  It's like a camel...we store the water because we fear that the drought will return.  Eventually, my body will catch up with the news that water is free flowing again and will then release the water (lots of potty breaks) and my weight will regulate!  So, I am hoping that holds true this time also! 

GERD

During the week of my mom's funeral, I just pushed things aside.  So when I got back into the swing of things I started to go through emails and notes of things to attend to.  One of them was to pay the bill for my barium swallow.  I logged onto mychart for that facility and noticed the results were there for the swallow.  I won't be going back to the doctor until the end of March, so I was just expecting to get the results at that time. But hey, I got a heads up earlier!

I have been living in denial that I have Gerd.  Yes, I have been living in denial, I was sure the doctors were wrong!  So I was excited to see the results, sure that the results would show that I do NOT have Gerd!   Imagine my disappointment when the results showed a "HIGH LEVEL" of reflux.....going up to the clavicle area.  Oh my!   I guess I can't deny it any longer!

Emotions 

I am still blown away at the way I feel.  I seriously thought I would do good with my mom's passing, after all, I had handled my dad's like a champ.   But I'm just thrown for a loop.  The absolute depth of loneliness I  feel is mind boggling. I feel alone and drifting. (maybe I never really grieved completely for my father too)  I don't know.  I just know that the thought of both of them gone brings tears to my eyes.  I'm alone, with no parents.  I know I'm not alone.   But it just feels lonely.  Tears are frequent.  And that's ok.  I'm paying the price for having been given an amazing childhood with amazing parents.  As much as it hurts, it is well worth it!

  2024 Miles in 2024

I was ahead in my miles before my mom passed away.  During that week, I used up almost every one of those banked miles.  Quite literally, I ended that week with only 1/2 mile extra.   I was fine with that.  Life events are what I like to bank miles for, because sometimes, getting in your miles just isn't going to happen.  But I knew that I wanted to start banking miles again.  I don't like to be just getting by.  I like extra miles so that my back is not against the wall.  So the first week back to work I came out swinging and I banked miles!  I banked a lot of miles!  So I am feeling good about that (and not letting up, I"m still banking those miles like crazy!)

February may have been a bust on a couple different levels.  I may not have lost the weight I wanted to lose (official weigh in tomorrow but it's not looking good), I may have not got all the steps/miles in that I wanted. I may have lost my mother.  But you know what?  I survived.  I kept putting one foot in front of the other and I didn't give up.

 

Getting back to Normal

 What a week. My word for last week was Hang On. I did just that.  I held on for dear life and tried to not let go.   

  I never expected to be burying my mom last week.  Yet we did. As a family we had some laughs and some tears.  I had handled my dad's death so well that I thought I would breeze through mom's death.  But no, this has hit me hard.  The best way to put it is that there is just this overwhelming sense of loneliness. I think when dad died I knew I still had one parent there and it gave me comfort.  But now.....there is nothing and just a hole in my heart.  I know...it will get easier.  

  Hanging on is exactly what I did.  Oh, I wanted to eat horribly, but I kept my eating in line most days.  The final day was the toughest of all.   I have taken on a project where I am taking a pile of papers that include my mothers recipes and I am digitizing them.   What I am doing is typing the recipes onto the computer.  I am then scanning/taking a picture of the recipe that mom wrote (some with stains and hard to read) and I am placing that on the page with the recipe.  So we have a nice version to recreate some of mom's baked goods but also so that we have a picture of her actual recipe.   IN this way, we can have things organized neatly and not taking up scads of space.     The problem with this project?  It makes me want to bake!  Many of the recipes that she made are already in my personal recipe file...but that doesn't matter...it makes me want to bake!  I resisted the temptation....UNTIL I upgraded my Kitchen Aid mixer.  I had a tilt top.......I have taken one of mom's kitchen aids.  So I had a 'new to me" toy to play with. (once again, it was mom's I've used all of her mixers many times...but it was new to me and in my house).   So I caved and made cookies yesterday morning.  I did take half of them to my in-laws to share with them!  (got them out of my house!)   Even so, my calories for yesterday was still until 2,000.  (right at about 1700 so I"m good with that).

My word of the week for this week is ROUTINE.  I need to get back into my routine.  I need that routine in place in order to have success!    I fell back into the routine this morning and I"m counting on that old routine to carry me through this first week back.

2024 miles in 2024.  I was so happy a week and a half ago because I was ahead in my miles for the year.    I knew that being ahead was important for a 'rainy day'.   Well, last week was rainy.  I didn't do much riding on the bike (I did get one or two days in) and while some of the days my step count was great, others my step count was in the garbage!   I did not meet my weekly goal....no where close!    Luckily I had those banked extra miles.  They saved me from not getting behind for the year.  I literally have about 1/2 of a mile extra now!  There is no wiggle room!  I have to get to moving and start banking miles again!

It wasn't an easy week....but I think I can say it was a successful week, all things considering!  

January Check in and a Weigh in!

 January is in the books and it is time to look at how I did in January and look forward to what I am going to be doing in February.  I have to say, when I was looking at my stats and what I did, I was pleasantly surprised.  I was expecting the worst, but it was actually pretty good!

Exercise 

I nailed my exercise!  Sure there is always room for improvement but I did quite well!  So lets see what I did!

*I was able to complete quite a  few mornings of exercise videos (thank you YouTube). They were each about 30 minutes in length

* I rode my exercise bike 28 of 31 days in January. My mileage for my bike was 117.28 miles. 

* I walked an average of 4500 steps each day (about 1500 steps above my average for December). 

* I was able to complete 188.23 miles toward my 2024 challenge!  I have about 20 extra miles banked for a rainy day!

* I had two personal trainers....but they weren't too interested in my exercise!

Word of the Week

    I utilized my word of the week each week.  Two of the weeks were the same word, but the next three weeks were different.  I opened my day planner and a different word just came to me, so I rolled with it! Each word turned out to be absolutely perfect for what I was going through, feeling and experiencing!

   Here are my words of the week!

    *Week one - Control

    *Week Two - Control

    *Week Three - Fortitude

    * Week Four - Just Do it

    * Week 5 - Drive

Healthy Habits

I did fabulous on my tracking!  I tracked each day.  I pulled my information into my day planner.  I was amazing with tracking.  What I wasn't amazing with was water consumption!  I averaged about 50 (being generous here) ounces a day.   I was very cognizant of my water, it just didn't segue from something I kew I had to do, into a habit!  My calories were in line for most days!   That is exactly what I want, most days.  I am not seeking perfection.  I am looking for sustainability! 

Weigh In

I was so happy to see that my weight was down by 6 pounds!   I'll take it!  It's been fluctuating greatly for most of the month and only this week really seemed to settle!    Sure, I would like it to be more, but 6 pounds is respectable! I had to sit back and think about how much 6 pounds equals for a full year.  That is 72 pounds for a year!  That wee little 6 pounds that I was boo-hooing about?   That adds up to an impressive number!!!  6 pounds?  I'll take it gladly!

Plans for February

So what am I planning for February?
**Track my food!

**DRINK WATER

**Continue the Word of the Week

**Eat Slow  (slow is a no for acid reflux!)

**Continue to limit my carbs

**Focus on being healthy....and not stress about the number on the scale!

**Catch the rogue mouse that is running wild through our house!   WE have traps, but this little sucker is wiley and is outsmarting us!!!

The month is wide open.  I can make it whatever I want it to be!  I am choosing successful!

 

 

Slow and No

​How has it been four weeks since the beginning of the year!!  The month of January is almost over!  And as is typical, it’s been crazy busy!

I have been really focusing on trying to not sink into despair at things that are going on in my life.  I’m trying to not allow myself to sink into the fog of depression that has hovered over me for the last year or so.  It’s difficult.  But I’m really trying!

I feel that for a lot of my month in terms of health and weight loss that I have been successful.  I  have been working to get in my exercise and my miles for the 2024 challenge.   Most days are a solid victory.  I’m good with that.  I have tracked religiously in MFP and I carry it over to my day ones.  Why do I do that?  I want to have everything and all my stats gathered in one place and easy to see.  So in my day planner I keep track of my food and I notate my calories.  I notate my daily weight.  I keep track of my minutes that I do an exercise video…my exercise bike miles and my steps.   I do keep track of what days I take vitamins and my protonix (for the acid reflux).  And my water.    

I also have been tracking how fast I’m eating my food…and even more importantly how I feel after eating…did I get a bad case of acid reflux, or none at all.   I’ve been finding that without medicine that if I eat slow…like so slow that my food gets cold, that I can mark my meal as SLOW and NO.  Meaning I ate slow and had no ‘reflux’!  I like slow and no!  

I can’t wait to look at my full month of stats  for January…as soon as I have the full month of stats!   And then on to February! 

Right now I’m looking at goals and plans for  February to be mostly the same as January.

  1.  Track food and acid reflux

2.  Continue  to knock out my miles…and bank some extras!

3.  Drink my warer

4.  Focus on being happy and not dwelling on the negative!

Every day and every month is a new opportunity to excel!

And a pic of me while I wait for mom in her hospital room!

Word of the......

 I have always loved the concept of the word of the week.  It seems like such an amazing idea.  Except that I always forget it.  I always get bogged down.  I sometimes think that the word isn't appropriate later in the year.  It just doesn't seem to work for me! Maybe my word should be committed since I obviously have issues with long term commitment!

Except that a few years ago the word WAS committed!  I was so ready and committed!  I even went as far as printing up pictures for the wall.  I was going to do it!  And I failed with the commitment on the year of being committed!

This year I fell into the trap of thinking that it was a great idea again!  I wanted to do it!  I wanted to jump on the bandwagon.  But I knew that it wasn't for me!  So I didn't!  Instead I decided to have a word of the week!  I wasn't sure how well it would work but I was determined to try it!

When I had been briefly contemplating the word of the year I had thought about the word "control"  because it just seemed apropos for me because I so need to get control!  Therefore, when I made my plan to have a word of the week it was easy to decide my word for the first week!  Control!  I put it at the top of my day planner.  

I am in my day planner each day as I am keeping track of my food intake in my dayplanner.  (Yes I use MyFitnessPal, but I put it in my day planner and add things about how I felt afterward...how fast I ate, etc to try to get a handle on the GERD)    I also track my bike miles, exercise, steps, vitamin and pill intake amongst other random things. So it is the perfect place for me to see the word of the week multiple times of the week!   

On week two I started my new week's page in my day planner and I knew that control was still the word that I needed to focus on!  So I colored it in on that week also.

I was perfectly fine with keeping control as my word for another week. Seriously, if my word remained as control for the whole year, I would have no issue!   But when the third week of the year began and I flipped to the new pages on my day planner control was not at all what I was thinking.  The only word that was in my head was fortitude!  Well that was easy.....fortitude was the word of the week!   I got to coloring!  (I apologize for the blurry pic)

Today I started week 4 of the year and as I do every Monday, I turned the page to a new week in my planner ready to start the new week.  I sat there for a few seconds.  Fortitude no longer felt even remotely like it was the correct word for the week.  Control?  Well that didn't feel wrong but it just didn't feel like it fit.  The only thing that kept coming up in my mind was the phrase. "Just Do It"  But it's a word of the week, not a phrase right?   Could I put in Nike as my word because of their slogan. (Is that even still their slogan?)   But no, using Nike as my word of the week was nonsense!   But my mind kept saying "do it...do it....do it!"  So my word of the week is a phrase!

This word of the week thing is working for me.  It is allowing me to focus on what I need at that exact moment!   Yes, I think control may end up being  the 'theme' of the year.  But my word for each week will be whatever fits for my life, emotions and physical being that exact week!

Thank you to everyone that thought about me, prayed for me and asked about my colonoscopy that I wrote about the other day.   Jason and I made it safely to my appointment.  The back roads were horrid, but the interstate was much better (and got better the further north we went as they had less snow....and the drive home was much better as the storm had moved onward).

The test went well.  The doctor said I was as cleaned out as they came...perfect prep.   I also received a good report. An excellent report actually!  What a relief!  I do have a pocket of diverticulosis.  The doctor was not concerned about it at all and said it will most likely never cause me any issues and if it did we would worry about it then.  He did recommend a high fiber diet to keep my colon in good shape and to help keep me from getting diverticulitis. Which goes in line with how I SHOULD and TRY to eat anyway! 

Control

 The last couple days one word has been coming up time and time again for me as I work on getting my weight loss journey moving again. At first I ignored it...but after a bunch of times of this word popping up, I decided it was time to sit back and listen. Right?

What is this word?  The word is control.

The first time the word came up was while I was watching a YouTube video that was posted by a gal that is working to lose weight. In her video she was talking about how she was in control and how it felt good.  It made me sit back and think about when I last felt in control of my eating.  It was a while and I well remember how amazing I felt.  It was so empowering!   I smiled at the memory and thought about getting that feeling back.   I thought about it enough that I filmed a clip for my YouTube channel about the word control!   In that clip I talked about control and that empowering feeling. In that same clip I also talked about how I had succumbed to stress eating.

Weirdly enough, I had a comment before I even posted my clip about how my word of the year should be control.  Hmmmm

And then this morning. I stepped on the scale and saw that my weight was up.  I was frustrated as I stood in the shower.  It is hard, seeing a gain makes me want to give up.  But I stopped and told myself. NO!  Get control of yourself.  (Yes, I said it out loud too!).   I thought about that clip I had filmed, and I realized that even the stress eating was me LOSING control.  Crazy!    Immediately I was stuck on the word control, and I knew that I HAD to make control my word of the..........

Nope, I've done a word of the year before.  I jumped on the bandwagon a few times over the years.  Most recently in 2020, my word of the year was Committed.  I remembered the word for a few days...but I always forget it. It becomes a thing of the past. So, it really does no good for me!   But, while I was in the shower this morning I thought that maybe, just maybe I could do a word of the week.  It could change and adjust to where I was in my life journey/weight loss journey/etc.   I decided that my word of the week would be written on the top page of each week in my dayplanner/journal.   I could reuse words.  Maybe control would be the word the whole year through. But maybe control would only be my focus for a week....or a month...or a half of year.   

So that is what I did....I have added the word in bold red and I'm ready to live that word this week!

New Year New Behavior

​This is the year of change.  It’s the year of changing my behavior.  It’s the year of changing the trajectory of my life.  It’s the year to take care of my health.  It’s the year to take control of my health.  It my year.

Fixing the depressive cloud is paramount on my list of changes for 2024.  I’m not exactly sure how to fix this.  Emotions are a funny thing.  But I’m vowing to be as present and active as possible in whatever changes are necessary to bringing back happiness into my life.

I am now 51 years old.  I worry more and more each year (each day) about my health.  I’ve been overweight for most of my life.   I’ve been lucky most of my adult life with good health. I’m lucky, because I’m considered morbidly obese.   In the last year I have seen and heard about people in their fifties dying..heart attacks, cancer and all other sorts of illnesses!  Did you catch those two points…these people are in their fifties…and I am in my fifties!   Humbling!

I can’t change genetics.  I can’t change some things. I mean, my father died from cancer which puts me at a higher risk.   I can’t change that.  But I can take the proper precautions…and this year I am finally getting my colonoscopy.  (It’s scheduled).  I’m determined actually take care of my health, and for that means being more diligent about preventative tests and doctors appointments versus my previous attitude of ‘I’ll get to it tomorrow, next week or even next year’

 What I can change is my weight and my fitness levels.  This is a new year and I’m determined to make and maintain the changes necessary for a lifelong change.  It will theoretically help the GERD.  It will theoretically help the pain in my knees and feet (it did the last time I lost weight).  And it will enable me to live my life more fully!

I’ve been doing this weight loss thing a long time (kind of embarrassing really) so I know what needs to be done.  

-exercise/movement

-water consumption

-keep calorie intake in line

-track my food and efforts

Seems simplistic, but it’s quite difficult.

I joined a 2024 miles in 2024. I have done these on a few previous years.  It requires me to propel myself about 6 miles a day.   I’m a planner so I’m already thinking about banking some extra miles for ‘those days’.  Those days are the ones where I may be sick, or injured,  or just not feeling it!   It is for those days that I am already scheduled for tests.  (Endoscopy, colonoscopy, and barium swallow and my routines will be totally disrupted).   So on New Year’s Day I was on the exercise bike at 6am!   

I’m slowing making the changes so that I can see a change in my life!  It isn’t going to be a fast change…but change is coming!

Adding a new challenge

I’ve got a new plan!   I know, I’ve written about a new plan a gazillion times!  That means that my plans don’t always work…but I’m still out here trying….so that is what matters!

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling!  Seriously, I wrote about it last week when I somehow managed a maintain for my weigh in! I would love to say that things got better this week.   But I continued to struggle!  I seem to lack motivation and willpower.   The sad thing is that I KNOW that I lack it but I just can’t seem to get my act together.   So I’m true Maryfran fashion I sat back and tried to think about when I was super motivated and full of willpower.  If I can figure out what was so magical back in those times maybe I can recreate it!

The first thing that comes to mind was when I was attending weight watchers meetings.  Those meetings kept me straight!  The meeting and my weigh in were always looking in front of me and it kept me on point and motivated.  The meetings and camaraderie with the other attendees was so inspiring.   The meetings Bolstered my willpower week in and week out.  Unfortunately meetings aren’t in the cards for me right now.  WW has closed most in person meetings.   There is exactly ONE that I could possible make it to…and that would be a stretch.   Plus, money is tight right now as we try to recover from Jasons’s unexpected ‘holiday’ from work as he recovered from his encounter with an axe. (Read about it here.). So paying the extra for in person meetings is doable but not wise considering the meetings would be hit or miss anyway.  On top of that, I am questioning Weight Watchers and their current beliefs and current system.  But that is a post for another day. (I promise I’ll write about it!!). So at this point weight watchers is not the magic for me.

I then started to think about the weight loss challenges that I have been a participant in.   Honestly, I was never the winner of any of the competitions.  (I am pretty sure one was rigged….I even had some other people tell me that it was fishy…but that’s another different story.  Hahaha).  But the act of being in the competition was good for me.   I work well competitively!   I also loved the competitions that I was in because they included lots of emails, lots of chats, lots of real time interaction.   That was good for me!   So hmmm, maybe could look into a challenge.    I’m where do I find a challenge?   I started on MyFitnessPal.   I looked at their challenges.  And some seemed really good.  But they don’t seem to offer the interaction that I need.  I looked at DietBet.  Bit once again the money thing…and also the interaction in the one that I did was lacking.  Another bust.     Then I stumbled upon doing my own challenge!   I was excited!  but how to pull it off?   I am working on it in my mind!     I know that it will be a point system.  And I know that weight loss is important but being healthier is even more important.  So it will incorporate earning points for healthy things.     I am fine tuning and plan to test drive the point system.  But here is what I have right now:

Weight loss.  This is worth one point each week.  If I  lose OR Maintain my weight I can earn a point.

Tracking-   For me this means tracking my food and my points.  And it is worth one point each day.

Keep my eating on track-   For me I aim for a certain calorie count (points) .  If I keep it within 200 calories I will consider it a win…and I will warn one point.

Fruits and veggies-   Every serving I eat is worth one point.

Exercise/activity-  here is where the points can start to be wracked up like crazy.    Every 10 minutes of exercise will earn one point.   The trick is that I will ALWAYS round down.  If I exercise 19 minutes it will only be 1 point.  If I push through for that extra minute then I have reached 20 minutes and I can earn two points.  The sky is the limit.  10 minutes of walking…1 point.   20 minutes exercise class…2 points.   These points are stackable…earn as many as possible.  It also doesn’t matter what I do.  An exercise class/video.  Awesome.   Push mowing…we’ll that counts just as much!  Activity is good!

Steps-  I have pondered the aspect of giving points for steps.  But ultimately decided to do so.  This will take into account that day that I am exercising and run out of time…at 38 minutes.   I would only get 3 points since I round down…BUT; I can still earn points for the movement through my steps!     So for points, there will be one point for each 1000 steps!    Once again…rounding down.   If I’m getting ready to go to bed and see that I am at 9900 steps, that is only 9 points.  If I ante up another 100 steps (in that situation) I would earn 10 points.   Once again…rounding down will hopefully push me to get those extra steps!

Last but not least, I have water-   1 point for every 10 ounces of water.  Rounding down.  It doesn’t matter if I am nobly a sip’ away from 10…if it is less than 10 I don’t earn that point’

This plan requires total honestly from me.  I’m ok with that.  If I cheat, I am only cheating myself!!!   The emphasis is on living a healthy life and not the weight loss.   Weight loss is definitely a goal….but being healthy is the ultimate goal.

I haven’t given up on my project 50.   That is still going strong!   I’m just incorporating a bit of excitement into my life.

As I said, I’m thinking about offering a challenge…I will ante up a prize for the winner.   But for this test period my goal is to continually better my numbers!   I do want to throw out a personal reward though.   I calculated it up.  If do everything perfectly.  Exercise 60 minutes a day….have 8k steps, 5 fruits and veggies I should earn roughly 185 points a week…roughly 750 a month.    That is perfection.   I would love perfection…but that is not realistic.  I am going to aim for 150 points each week.  If I can do that…then I will reward myself at the end of the month….not sure with what…yet.  But Mmmm and it won’t be a lot…or anything big.  

So let’s get this moving!!!   If you want to join in…let me know and you can test it out with me!

This just Sucks!

 This really sucks!   It sucks bad and I don't like it!  Yet I have no control over it!

What sucks?   Watching your parents get old and start to suffer major issues with their health.   It was only 5 years ago that I lost my father.  It was difficult to watch him go downhill and pass away.  I thought it was the hardest thing I would ever have to face.   I was wrong.   Losing my dad was horrible.  But my father was cognizant and clear minded the whole way to the end.   

In July my mom had a stroke.  It left her quite immobilized and not in good shape.  It also brought to the forefront the true issue and that is that my mom had been failing for a while.  We saw signs and we were worried but they were always easily explained away.  The stroke laid bare this fact.   Mom is struggling cognitively as well as physically and it is utterly heartbreaking!   

It is also very stressful.   Last week there were some days and visits that were absolutely horrible for me.  I'm talking cry the whole 40-minute drive home horrible.  I came home one day and I had pulled myself together...somewhat.   I also ate.   I never binged.  But I just ate more food and the wrong types of food.  I didn't make good healthy choices.  

What in the world is wrong with me?  I'm watching my mother fail and I know that my weight is going to put me in a similar or worse situation.  I know that losing this weight is so important.  But same days the stress and the worry and the heartache overwhelms me, and I forget my own personal goals.

So, with a heavy heart, I will announce that I gained a pound last week.  I"m super frustrated about that.  

I'm not giving up.  This journey is so hard but so important!  I am worth it!   So here we go again with another week of trying my best!

In the midst of the stressful week, I took a 'mental health day' from work.  Jason is still off work so we took the dog into the mountains and explored!  It was good to be outside and clear my mind!!!  Zoey loved it too!!!

it was only

​I had another week where I felt like I was mostly on plan with this healthy living thing.  I also just felt like I was not going to lose any weight.

My week

I was on point almost the whole week.  I had one weekend day where I was a bit higher and a bit over my food budgets but for the most part I was spot on.  I am following the WW plan and that gives A person some weekly points for this extras…and I like to think to ‘live’ so I was actually ok.  

My water consumption was a bit spotty.  I made my goal most days but missed it a few times.  

Exercise I blew it out of the water with a victory!  I did great!  I even upped the intensity with going from aerobics to step aerobics!  It is amazing how something as simple as adding a step up and down makes a difference.  I was doing Zumba and other cardio workouts and many of the steps are similar…except for the step up and step down that is incorporated.  It makes a huge difference in intensity level!!!   I’ve been having a blast!

So my week was mostly victorious in terms of the healthy habits that I have been working to incorporate into my life!  So I have no clue why I was so nervous about any weigh in!

Stress

When will the stress bus leave me alone?  It’s been one thing after another…some things linger…some come and go.   

*Mom’s stroke and her rehab and current t state of course lingers.  

* I had that situstion with my work that started last July with uncertainty about the stability of my job and if I would have a job after the beginning of October

* and of course let’s not forget Axe Boy and his run in with an axe….and of course his long time off of work (he is still off work…it will be at least 4 months off work before he goes back…if he goes back after his next doctors appointment.  

So I’m still struggling with the stress of mom and  still stressed about Jason’s injury and the ongoing single paycheck family status for us.  The work thing righted itself and my job remained secure.   Until Friday when they called us into another meeting.  My current team is now being disbanded…”they are trying to find positions for everyone…but no guarantee and in fact maybe you should look for a job.”  I’m stressed!   

Weigh In 

So I had my weigh in.  I only lost 0.6.  I lost a stinking half pound!   Only a half pound for all my hard work!  What is up with that!   It’s super frustrating!  I wanted to scream with frustration at the scales when I saw my piddly weight loss.  

Even as frustration poured through me, I kept telling myself ‘it wasn’t a gain’.   The only failure is a gain!  A maintain is a victory.  A loss of even an ounce is a a victory!   So being disappointed by a half pound loss is stupid.  But it’s human!

It’s Only

Even as the disappointment settled within me, I turned to closing out my January and calculating my total loss for the month.   I ended the month with a 6.6 pound loss.  Once again I felt disappointed because I wanted more.  And 6.6 seems so tiny.  But then I started to think about something. 

6.6 pounds in one month…if I lost that every month this year…where would I be???   Not good at mental math?  That disappointing monthly total multiples by 13 is 79.2 pounds!  What!!!!   It’s only 6.6 pounds and it would equal 79.2 pounds.  That would put me very close to goal weight….by Christmas!!!  All for a disappointing 6.6 pounds each month. 79.2 is not disappointing!

That made me think about that 0.6 pounds.   If I just say I lost a half pound….that is shameful right?   But in a year ‘only’ a half pound would equal 26 pounds!   That is not shameful at all!  I’ve gained 10-15 pounds in one to two weeks!!!   

So instead of saying ‘it’s only’ we need to look at the long term and see about how it adds up in the long run!!!

I had a bad feeling

 We had another busy weekend!  When will things slow down?  Will they ever slow down?   It was a good week overall though!

Zoey

We had another fun week with our puppy.   We have had her for three weeks now and she is settling in.  She is a bit of a ham and comes running up to the camera, so I have to be sneaky with pictures!    When we got her, she was right at 32 pounds (at home weight).  She went to the vet a week after we got her and she was 34 pounds.   SHe went back to the vet this past week and she is now almost 42 pounds.  My girl is growing like a weed!

She is learning lots of new things.  Important things actually.  We continue to potty train her.  She is pretty good with that.  She just needs to figure out how to tell us she has to go potty.  She goes into the kitchen and stares at the door, but that is not a feasible method since we can't see her if she is in the kitchen.  So currenty we are jumping up and running to look to see if she is staring at the door.  We have jingle bells on the door which we rattle each time she goes out.  SHe has rattled it two times on her own and we have immediately taken her outside but she just plays out there on those trips.  SHe will get it....I hope!   She is also learning to not jump up on us.  As a puppy (albeit a big puppy) it's not too bad, but she is growing and will be well over a hundred pounds.  We can't have that much dog jumping up on us.  We have been working on how to walk on a leash without pulling our arms out of the sockets.  Newfoundlands are noted for being awesome at pulling....so it is her nature, and we are trying to break her of that.  We have been talking about getting her into drafting......pulling a cart.  But that won't come until she is at least 18 months old and her body is done growing and her bones and muscles are ready for it!  She is doing well! 

She enjoyed the 4-5 inches of snow that we got on Wednesday.  She was running and leaping in the air.  I honestly think that may have been one of her best days thus far in her life. 

Exercise and food

I have been doing great with my exercise and food.  I have been super consistent with my tracking.  I track each and every bite that I eat.  I have managed to keep my points within my target range for al but one day.  The day that I wasn't in my range was calculated and planned.  I also have my weekly points so that is what I used to cover my overage.  So I did great with eating.

Exercise I also did fantastic with.  I have remained consistent with my efforts and have exercised each day that was planned.  I did take some time off over the weekend to allow my body to heal.  I plan on doing that again this weekend.  My legs feel heavy and cumbersome, so I know it's time for a bit of a break!  I will still be walking the dog and doing other stuff...just not squats and jumping jacks and whateer else the youtube workout videos throw at me!  

Weigh in

I was nervous about this weigh in.  SO nervous.  I have not been weighing myself daily like I used to. It's not that I don't want to.  It's simply that I have been using the hall bathroom and my scales are in the master bath.    So it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales this morning.  Sadly, my fears were founded. (Don't ask me how I knew that it was not going to be a good week on the scales...I just had this gut feeling.)  I gained a pound.  

I am bummed.  No gain is ever welcome.  A maintain is hard enough to bear, but a gain?

I am telling myself that it's ok.  I know that I lived a healthy and fit life this past week and that the scales WIL catch up.  My main goal is to be fit and healthy and i did that.  The numbers on the scaes are a bonus whenever that happens.  The main thing is to stay consistent!  I'm not letting that number on the scale derail me from the good that I am doing!  So full steam ahead!

Have my cake and eat it too

 I am still at it!  My absence did NOT mean that I have fallen off the bandwagon.  It did not mean that I have given up and started to shovel food into my mouth at some insane rate of speed!  Nope, my absence is simply that I have been busy!  I have continued to work my healthy living plan and I'm doing well!

Healthy Habits

I continue to work on the healthy habits. I feel like I am nailing them.  I have some slips to report, but overall, I feel as if I'm doing great!

 I am continuing to track all of my food.   I do great with this!  I am able to keep myself within my food budget most days.  I usually have one day on the weekend that is a bit higher, but I'm actually really cool with that!  I have always adhered to a 'cheat day' mentality.   Even though I hate the word cheat....I have a day where I kinda do what I want.  I don't worry about the calories or points.  I feel as if this is important for the longevity of this lifestyle.  I know for me saying that I will never again eat pizza or that I will never have cake again is utterly preposterous.  That is not sustainable.  I also know from experience that I can abstain and lost weight.  But when I lose the weight I will dive back into those unhealthy options and unhealthy habits face first.  So I am working to learn to have my cake and eat it too!  So I did have cake over the weekend.  I did have a day where my points were kinda high.  And that's ok!

I am continuing to work on getting at least 64 ounces of water each day.  I am pretty consistent with this now.   I don't have to give it 'too' much thought.  So it really is becoming a habit!  I am still flavoring my water.  I use a trace mineral vitamin packet in the morning.   I have been doing that since before Covid .   At first I was more sporadic but once covid hit, I became quite consistent with that.    I also use flavor packs for my water throughout the day.  Each packet flavors one bottle or 16 ounces of water.  I use one flavor packet to flavor a 32 ounce container of water.  SO not too bad.  I am working toward eliminiating that flavor packet and only have my morning vitamin packet.   In time.  Right now I"m just happy to be getting my 64 ounces of water even if it is flavored.   

There was one day where I did not get my water.  I got up to about 32 ounces of water and prepared my next 32 ounces of water. I was going to take it with me when I went to visit my mom.  I was about 30 minutes down the road when I realized that I had left it on the kitchen counter.  Ooops.  I didn't get home until about 8:00 or 8:30 and I was NOT going to chug 32 ounces of water before bed. (We go to bed early as the morning alarm goes off at 5AM and I"m usually up before that).  I dind't want to have to get up numerous times to go to the bathroom.  THat's annoying for me....and Jason who has his sleep interuppted when I get up out of bed.  It wakes up the bird...who needs sleep so he is not a jerk!   AND it stirs up the puppy who sleeps in a crate in our bedroom.   And when the puppy gets stirred it means a trip outside.....it's winter and cold!  So I readily gave up my perfect streak of water consumption.   The good thing?  I was right back at it the next day and I"ve not looked back and didn't let that one day mess me up!

Exercise has also been going really well!  I have been exercising consistently!  I have even added in some strength training!  GO me!   My steps have suffered a bit.  The first to weeks of the year I was doing GREAT with getting my goal of 8K steps a day.     A lot of that was procurred during my exercise time. (I do youtube videos......).   I was doing great!  BUT, I knew that I needed to work on some resistence training.  So i backed off on my cardio videos and added in some strength training videos.   The problem?  Strength training doesn't give me the steps.  I didn't hae the time to add the strength training in on top of the cardio.  So I opted to back off on that goal and be more well rounded in my workouts!  

So the healthy habits are going really well!

Puppy life

The puppy is doing well.  She is so cute!  It's cold outside though!  It's miserable to take her out sometimes.  We didn't think through the fact that we don't have a fenced in yard!  So we have to be out with her!   She has bad separation anxiety anyway!  So even when we try to put her on the lead and go inside and watch from the warmth, she just comes to the door and cries.  Yeah, breaks our hearts also!  So outside we go in the cold. (and rain on a few occasions). 

Axe Boy

Jason is still not back to work.  His foot is slowly healing and at his last appointment the doctor was surprised that there seems to be more function than he originally thought Jason was going to get.  This leads him to believe that the tendon was possibly NOT cut the whole way through OR that it was cut but somehow the ends have fused together on their own.  (The MRI was inconclusive.....it looked as if it was severed but it was not a 100% certainty.)  So the doctor wanted Jason off for 6 more weeks.  (he still is in PT to get more function to be able to actually do his job).  He goes back to the doctor on Feb 13.   His being home is nice.  I like having him in the house while I"m working and spending my breaks with him.  It is also perfect timing to get a puppy since he has time to work with the puppy.  It's not perfect timing financially as we just bought a house.   At least Jason can drive now himself.  The first two months or so were rough as he couldn't drive and I was waiting on him hand and foot as he was supposed to be off the foot 100%.

Weigh in

I have been weighing myself on Fridays.   Surprisingly, I have been staying away from the scale most other days. FOr me this is weird because I have always been a daily weigh person.  And some days it drives me crazy because I am in a state of panic about what my weight is doing.  (I don't torture myself; I just go and weigh myself that day for a check). This past Friday I weighed myself and I was down more!  I have lost 7 pounds since the beginning of this year!     I have the momentum and I am determined!

The days are just flying by!  I blink and it's the next day.    I am still trying to do it all and juggle everything.  Some days I feel as if I'm failing miserably and some days, I feel like I've got this thing called life licked.  I'm trying to not let life get to me.  I'm trying to not get overwhelmed.  I'm just trying to take one day at a time!!!