Wednesday, December 03, 2014

And then.....

Lets get the divorce/separation stuff over first since it really does affect my quest for health.   I'm settling in and getting used to living with my parents.  It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.  I am plagued by tears.  I am utterly thankful and grateful for parents that have opened their house to me (and my brother and his wife that also have told me many times that I'm welcome there).   However, part of me misses my husband and the life we did have together.  Yes, it may have been crappy, but we did have good times.  It is also what I've known for the last so many years.  I also still feel like an utter failure. Nothing I've done in life has turned out decently it feels.  And here I am 41 years old and I'm living with my parents again.  (We won't even talk about the fact that I will have to up that to 42 very soon.)  I just feel like a big fat failure.  

Fat....oh yes, now we get to the weight loss stuff.    Why am I even trying to lose weight?   I admittedly lost weight the first time in an effort to make my husband desire/want/love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Yeah yeah yeah, don't be a hater.  I know that was a totally stupid reason.....and that the weight wasn't the issue between us.   But our minds play stupid tricks on us and make us believe all sorts of things.  And just for the record, I may or may not have grasped at other crazy ideas to try to save the relationship.  I will neither confirm nor deny!!!! (ha)   So today I was sitting at work and thinking about this weight loss thing.  I was thinking about the weight and I decided that I could totally accept myself as a fat woman.  What would I do different?  I would start buying clothes in my size versus trying to make do with what I have because I don't want to waste my money on this size.  Basically I would accept myself as exactly what I overweight woman.  No more stressing about eating a piece of cake.  No more thinking about how that straight up butter (my  mother wouldn't be caught dead with anything other than full fledged butter in this house) is so choke full of calories and fat.   No more obsessing and thinking about what I'm eating versus the calories I'm expending.  Just accept it as the way I am, pleasingly plump.

I literally nodded my head when I reached that decision.  I was ok with it.  I'm me no matter what size I am. (Well, I guess I'm me....I don't really know who I am anymore....but maybe I can figure that out sooner or later.)

And then......

Thoughts started floating through my head at warp speed.

Wow, my knees have been hurting a lot lately.  They didn't hurt when I had lost the weight.  If I don't try to lose weight I'm consigning myself to knee pain for evermore.

Its a heck of a lot more fun shopping for clothes. The buyers for fat women's stores and departments are obviously retarded (so sorry that is not politically correct but heck this is MY blog so if I say they are retarded, they are!) and can't buy anything that is even somewhat trendy and fashionable...and seriously, lay off the polyester!  So shopping ... yeah, I'd have to give that up....

Running.  Zumba.  I kinda like these things.  Hmmm.  I guess I could just be a fat girl running and zumba'ing.    I do those things better when I'm at a lower weight though.

Oh heck, I just had more energy when I was thin.

So guess what, I guess I'm not quitting.  I guess I will continue.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get back into the habit of tracking.  It's difficult.....but I need to do it.  I've been off he rails lately.   I'm having some difficulty reigning it in.  It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

I have gone to zumba three nights this week.  (ok, two nights but I'm heading to night three in just a few hours).  I hope to recommence with running here soon (dang knees) and well....I'm just going to have to focus.....somehow.  (and then I went and ate two oreos.....really???)