Thursday, February 05, 2009


I feel helpless. Helpless to stop this eating cycle. Helpless to stop the weight from coming back on to my body. Just plain helpless.

Intrinsically I know that it is not helpless. I've done this. I've been through the wonderful months and years of losing. I know what needs to be done. I know how to do it! But it's like my brain knowing and my body doing are two different things. Sitting at the dinner table last night, I finished up my dinner and I was already thinking...."woah, I've had a little too much to eat today....this is the end. Nothing more tonight." But even as I was thinking that, different words poured out of my mouth. The words that I actually emitted? "Dessert?" And I proceeded to concoct a little dessert for Todd and I. 5 extra points on top of a less than stellar eating day. It's like there are two different people warring for control within in me.

I've had the months (actually years) of eating healthy and feeling on top of the world....king of the nothing could knock me from where I stood. I was strong and I was going to beat this fat at it's own game. And I was doing a fair job of it.

But now...years into this healthy lifestyle and I've hit some kind of wall. The ends are not matching. I want so badly to finish this journey and reach my ultimate goal. (not the goal that I first set for myself......I already reached that...but the 'real' weight goal that the BMI index sets for us). Yet I feel helpless.

I'm not giving up. I just feel helpless. But, even helpless...I've got my plan for the day set up and I'll do my best to adhere to that plan (staying within my allotment of points). In my mind I'm determined to maintain that plan and hold strong. Maybe today will be the day that I'm not helpless to beat that 'naughty eating' side of me!