Wednesday, August 30, 2023

Slippery Slope

 I have been on a slippery slope these last few months.  The trajectory of what I am doing has the potential to be disastrous to my weight loss journey.  I have GOT to make a change and correct this course!

Monday, August 21, 2023

A week long post


Has it already been a week since I last posted?  Ok, So actually more than a week.  ~sigh~   Where does time go?  I swear I wake up and start the day blink and then it's over!   I feel as if I'm constantly on the go for most of the time that I'm awake!  It's nuts!

Enough is Enough  

So my first week of trying to take control of the one thing in my life that I have utter control of was partially successful.  I was a whole lot more cognizant of what I was eating. and I made some better choices in my food selections.    However, I tracked next to nothing. So I have no clue how many calories I ate.   So not exactly a failure, but not exactly a success.  I am calling it a successful baby step back into being fully on track!  

The weekend rolled around and we celebrated Jason's birthday.  I did eat a bit too much food over the weekend.  But I vowed that Monday was the day that I was stepping up my game.  I didn't promise myself full perfection, I simply vowed to step up the game.  

So bright and early Monday morning I was exercising. (5:30AM).   I tracked my food for the day.   I felt really good about my efforts.  My water consumption was a bit spotty, but baby steps.  Like I said, I'm not expecting perfection simply positive steps in the right direction.  Ohhh and did I mention that my stomach hurt on Monday morning yet I STILL exercised?  

It is Tuesday morning about 9AM while I'm writing this (IT is working on my work computer and has taken control. leaving me with nothing to do but stare at the computer while they click and make perfect time to write a blog post) .    I have already tracked my food that I'm planning on eating today.    


I am doing such a horrible job of juggling everything.  I  literally had my last post on August 6th.  I started to write a post on August 14th (above) and I am just getting back to it now on Monday August 21st!   What in the world?

So Exercise last week was pretty good.  I exercised all but one day!   I also already exercised this morning at 5AM!   Go me!    My food.  It wasn't terrible, but I only tracked sporadically.  I am really struggling with getting back to tracking regularly.  Really struggling with that!   Time is one of the issues.  (obviously since it took me a week to get back to writing this post!)  My weight is fluctuating in a 5 pound range.   I don't like when I'm at the top end of that range, but I am happy that I'm staying within that same range!

That said, I am sitting here saying to myself "MaryFran, you are 50 years old.   The weight is going to catch up to you sooner rather than later. "   I have been lucky thus far in life that I have not really struggled with any weight related diseases.  Heck, I've been pretty healthy all around.  But I have this oppressive fear that it is going to come around and bite me in the arse!   Seriously, I have a gal I went to high school with that just had open heart surgery/triple bypass!  I'm scared!  Yet, I struggle to get myself under control.   How in the world can I turn my fear into actual actions.  I feel insane to even be typing about my fear yet continuing to be lax about my tracking of my food.  

I want to be thin.  I want to feel good.  I want to not feel uncomfortable in clothes.  I don't want my legs to ache.  I have the reasons.  I just need to get the gumption!

I am the one in control of my eating.  I know it!  Yet am I REALLY taking control?

Sunday, August 06, 2023

Enough is Enough

​I honestly didn’t mean to stay away for so long after my last post.   I realize that doom and gloom and a post talking about depression followed by a period of silence is not very comforting to anyone.  I know it and I honestly thought about writing a new post so many times!  But I just couldn’t find the time and/or energy to get it done!

These feelings suck.  Years ago when I was battling these depressive demons, I wrote in my private journal (good old fashioned paper and pen…and yes I still have one of those going) about how I felt as if I was backed into a corner with high walls all around me with no way out.  Back then I was trapped in a bad financial situation, stuck in a marriage that was not at all healthy and I was struggling with my weight (amongst other things).   I couldn’t see a way out and it led to depression then also.  And that is exactly how it feels now just different life issues.   The walls seem super high.  They feel insurmountable.  I feel trapped within  events in my life.  

That said, in the last two weeks I sat back and thought a lot about that previous bout with these depressive feelings.   Way back then, I actually adopted a mantra, a belief.   And that was, ‘I can’t do anything to change some situations in my life.  So what do I control?’      My answer was not much.  BUT,  the one thing I did have complete control over was what food went into my mouth.    No one was forcing me to eat food that was not conducive to a healthy weight.    

So I took control of that one thing.  I started to really care about what I ate.  It was my little slice of control.  Slowly that control built confidence within me and I was able to stand up for myself and I started to go to Zumba (believe me when I say it was a battle to get there as my ex husband sensed his control slipping and he dug in when I tried to start.).   I became an exercise machine and the confidence grew even more.  Even more crazy than the confidence was the fact that those insurmountable walls started to crumble.  Some of them I was able to climb over, others just crumbled away and became inconsequential.   It wasn’t overnight but it happened.    And it started by me taking control of the one thing that was possible!

This bout of depression has a different set of life issues (thank goodness for my husband Jason who has stood by me and loved me through this).  Some of the issues will most likely eventually rectify themselves on their own.   Others will need a solution and I have no clue where or how because I have no control.    But right now instead of dwelling on what I have no control over, I am going to work on controlling that which I can control.  It won’t be easy, but I’m determined.

So enough is enough.   It’s time to take control of my eating!  It’s time to stop fiddling around and get myself in gear in Regards to my weight!   I’m done with not tracking my food, with no exercise, and with feeling miserable.  It’s time to take control of my weight. And it’s the first step to taking control of my life!