Thursday, April 12, 2018

Tub of Lard

Warning!!!  Embarrassing post alert!!

I sat at my desk yesterday while at work and beat myself up. There was some real self hatred going on. To sum it up, I’m not happy with my weight at all. Yet I can’t seem to get control of this addiction.

I had the revelations on Sunday   Yes the ones I spoke about in my last post. The revelations were about how far my fitness level has dropped. And while that did play a factor into my thinking yesterday, that still wasn’t the reason I was filled with self-hatred. OK at least not the main reason.

On Tuesday I noticed that my pants waist band/button had rubbed my overhanging stomach again. I’ve talked about this in the past.  It’s  embarrassing. Very embarrassing. I had a Band-Aid covering it yesterday but it was still very sensitive. I felt poured into my clothes.

You know, I have this weird weird sense inside me that if I just suck in my gut that  I won’t look fat. But yesterday nothing I did, no matter how tight I sucked in my gut made me feel presentable to the world. Now before we go on, I know that I’m overweight and I know that just sucking my gut in like that and doesn’t hide my true weight. But it makes me feel better.  But not yesterday.  I feel as if I have crossed the line, some invisible line where I feel yuh of lard...even when my gut is sucked!

Oh and as I mentioned earlier, I’m struggling to gain any control over myself. I feel so out of control.

And so it’s been a week of revelations and epiphanies. And they haven’t been good ones. 

So what have I done? This week I have started tracking my food. I haven’t eliminated the cookies, but I have drastically limited them (one cookie a day).  And my calories aren’t perfect but I am trying. I am also weighing myself every day… Or at least trying to remember to. I know that when I was losing those were two habits that I kept.

We are eating more vegetables and  fruits, and I still am planning on re-commencing with running. We have also talked about taking walks in the evening together. Honestly my biggest deterrent from running in the evening is that it takes time away from my time with Jason.  Yeah I’m sappy.

So rough week of a lot of revelations that I did not like. I’m not promising that this week is going to be different or next week is going to be different. I have an addiction. And while I know that ultimately I am in control, I know that a lot of times this food addiction controls me.  My goals for this week track and weigh.   Baby steps and I will gain control!