Wednesday, June 19, 2013

ahhh life.......

Here’s another two part blog entry.  This is simply because that’s how my mind works….a million directions at once.

 The first topic up for discussion is my relationship with the scale.   I have purposefully not set concrete goals for myself.  Or rather, I’ve set concrete goals but I don’t have a finite end for my goals.  I did not start this year when I recommitted to this journey with a statement that “I will be at my goal weight by my birthday (or whatever date)”  I didn’t want to put unrealistic expectations upon myself.  Even though it wouldn’t be unrealistic to say I would lose 70 pounds (or thereabouts) in 12 months, I didn’t want the pressure on myself.  I wanted to lose the weight but at the same time learn how to really live and eat healthy at the same time.  I have largely been OK with this approach.  I know how much I want to lose (initially at least, I may go lower than that previous low….I’m not cutting myself short this time.  I want to lose the WHOLE WAY!)  I have my goals but I’ve not been bothered with the ‘when’.   Until this week.  I looked at myself and I looked at this year.  I’ve been back on the bandwagon since January (actually I got myself back on track in December, but for the sake of conversation we are saying January).  I’ve lost about 35 pounds.   That is good.  I’m proud of that.  But then I started looking and I’m looked at it more clearly….that’s not quite 6 pounds each month.  I am working my arse off…I should be dropping much more rapidly.  I burn mad calories…by the book and figures I should have lost about 10 last month.  I started to let myself get swayed by the numbers and figures.  Seriously, that time frame and those numbers…..but then I had to sit back and think two things.

1.  My body will lose it at the rate that it needs to for me to be healthy.  I’m not doing a total strict deprivation style eating plan.  I’m eating healthy.  I’m allowing myself to be ‘normal’  (Not fat normal….but not anorexic normal either).  In losing this way and it is making me a stronger person.  My muscles are developing and physically I’m growing stronger.  Mentally I’m growing stronger because I’m learning to deal with the pressures and stress that go along with having a food addiction.    Weight loss is best kept from time frames.   When you start to focus on time frames it’s easy to get depressed and down about your progress.   I should be CHEERING about 35 pounds and not down because it should be more!

2.  The scales do show us progress…..and my progress is slow.  So why?  I could use excuses.  “I’m building muscle”.   Or I could say “I’m exercising too much” (which was suggested to me a while back…ha ha ha) I could even say that “it’s my age”   But those are excuses.  They play a factor but it’s not the reason I’m not losing weight.  So looking at things objectively, I’m not losing weight for a reason.  I struggled on vacation, but still managed to hold it to a very small gain.  I pulled it together enough to recoup my gain and then I’ve been sitting relatively still on the scales.  So what’s happening?   The answer is plain and simple….I’m pushing the boundaries with my eating. Seriously, I'm eating my correct calories. The problem is that I’m eating way too many carbohydrates. Really…..for me to lose I can have bread (and yes, I eat whole grains), potatoes, rice, and pasta.  But I can only have those things on a limited basis.  One of them ONCE a day is my limit.   If I cut back, I do better.  I love my carbs so this is difficult for me and I can look back and see those things creeping back into my life.

 So no excuses allowed.  I don’t care that I am 40 years old.  I don’t care that I am building muscle.  I don’t give a rats ass about any of that.  I will be cleaning up my eating.  Carbs need to be cut back and fruit and veggie consumption ramped up again.  This is my life and I’m taking control

Emotional eating…seriously?  How many times to I have to talk about emotional eating (and emotionally charged decisions about my health)?  Can’t I just get past this emotional eating stuff?  I want to be miraculously healed and never have to face it again.
So here we are.  Monday night at Zumba something clicked and I started to obsess about money…or rather our lack of money.  I was a hot sweaty mess…emotionally and physically when I left.  I got home and walked into the house and mentioned my stress, fears and worries to my husband, mentioning the need of new tires for my car, the property taxes that will coming out in the next week or two and one or other two big ticket items that HAVE to be attended to SOON.    My husband in his typical narcissist fashion alleviated my fears and worries so well (note the sarcasm). He decided that would be a good time to tell me that the mower was broke (again), he needed drum heads before the band that will be using the studio set in an upcoming session, ohh, Desi needed to go to the vet because he had this weird black lump that was looking really bad,and while we are talking about Dr.'s maybe he should go also for a weird pain he had,  his cell phone is acting weird and may be broke (it is...but I can't imagine we didn't pay for the warranty/replacement plan) and ohhh don’t forget that the AC guy is coming tomorrow (well today now that I'm writing this).   Yeah, kick me while I’m down…..thanks honey.    Stress levels and the emotions rose.  (as a side note...the relay has been replaced on our AC...we will be billed...but along with the bill will be an estimate for our blower that is bad..., Desi had an infected cyst that has been drained and he's OK other than a tooth that apparently needs to be pulled.....and the Dr. visit for Todd...well, he has chicken pox.  Yes, that part amuses also worries me because if he ends up missing work...well, when you are self employed no worky means no money).

I didn’t let the emotions get to me on Tuesday morning.  I got out and ran. (it was a tough run but I persevered).   By the time my work day was over, I had decided to skip zumba.  I can say that my legs still felt as if they were boat anchors and I can honestly say that I had a headache. But I’ve gone to zumba with those ‘issues’ before and I’ve lived to tell about it.  The real reason that I didn’t go was because my emotions took control of my life.  Instead I went home and polished off the rest of the homemade bread that we had on Sunday.  Yeah, four slices of bread.  Warmed up with butter melting into it’s crevices and cracks.  DELICIOUS!   As soon as I was done I felt bad about it…..and I am proud to say that I DID stop right then and there and ate nothing else.  That WAS my dinner.  So I DID stop the binge.  But I allowed my emotions to control my actions and my eating. 
I will probably always have binges.  My emotions will always call out to me.  But I WILL work to keep them as far under control as humanly possible!

There is no ifs ands or buts, I WILL win this war against my weight.   Carbs and emotions will not derail me!   They will just make me stronger!

So this afternoon, after getting home at noon, making and eating lunch.  I took Todd to the Dr. (he was dizzy..ha ha ha) and I got back to the house at 4:30.  I could have scrapped my bike ride, but no.  It was scheduled so out I went. I won't conquer this if I don't ride it.

 I actually hate riding my bike on the road I live on it's narrow. It's up and down hills the whole way and the road surface is pockmarked and HORRIBLE.  I've hated it on my trek and I hate it just as much on my litespeed.  I do it though.....a    Yes, I could throw the bike on my car and skip it...but that's wimping out and I'm NOT wimping out anymore. (granted there will be and there ARE days where I will cart my bike out and ride, but not on a regular basis).  So I pushed through it.  I always ride the southern portion of my road as a point of egress to and from my house on my bike. The northern section I have ALWAYS avoided like the plague (on my trek too)  It's even more hilly than the southern section, and probably even more narrow, if that's possible.  So today I was out there and I actually saw the intersection for the northern end of my road.  I typically just go by it and loop back into my town and enter my road from the southern end.  Today I said what they heck.   I took the road.  It really wasn't bad.  It was actually kinda fun for most of the way. It did cause my bike ride to end on incline, but oh well, I did it!  (I actually think going out that way FROM my house would be maybe I will have to make that a challenge someday!....)   Taking that road actually cut my planned bike ride down by about 3 miles, but you know what?  I don't care.  I faced something that has scared me and I WON!  (and no, I do NOT walk up any hills, that would be unacceptable....I go slow but I pedal the whole way up the hills!)

I think there has been an athlete lurking under all my fat and she just may be trying to emerge.