Friday, December 14, 2018

Failure at it’s Best

I want to just erase this past week from the books!  Can we? Huh?  Please?   It had been a week of failure on a few different healthy living fronts!  Eating was a failure!  Exercise was a failure!  It was just...well two steps forward, two steps back!   So let’s figure out went went wrong!

Failure Number One
My eating!  As aforementioned on this site, I had my mother’s filled cookies that she makes one time a year...especially for my birthday. (She calls them a labor of love because they are fine intensive). I ate a LOT of cookies!  It’s a once a year thing....but I still ate a lot of cookies!  Otherwise I didn’t eat too poorly...but did I mention I ate cookies...2-3 for breakfast...with a banana.   2-3 For lunch....with my regular lunch.  One or two as a snack when I got home from work.  Oh and I ate 4-5 each night after my normal dinner.   Maybe a dozen cookies a day. That’s a lot of cookies (they are gone. I got them on Monday afternoon and by Wednesday night they were mostly gone...I had two on Thursday to end this years cookie fest).  I ate so many cookies that on Thursday morning I was feeling icky and stuffed and just not well.  Don’t worry...I still finished up those two cookies that were left!   And since there was no sweets left...I STUPIDLY made brownies.   I was stuffed and feeling icky while I was eating dinner...yet I continued to shovel the food into my mouth...and I of course couldn’t pass on the brownies!!!   Why???  So here I am on Friday morning super early, once again feeling icky...stuffed and half sick!   I swore after New Year’s Day when I ate so much I was physically sick, that I wasn’t doing this again....yet here I am??

As a side note. I finally got the recipe for the cookies this year...which could be a bad thing...because if I can make them then I have the chance for the deliciousness all the time.  BUT I am looking at it this way.  If I make them...and know I can make them will take away the utter frenzy of eating them when I get them.   Mom’s will always taste sweeter and better...but I won’t be as crazed.  That’s my theory anyway...and I don’t plan on making them anytime soon!!!!

Failure Number Two
Exercise.  I was doing so good with waking up early to exercise for almost two months.  Last week my schedule changed.  I go in a half hour earlier......I just can’t force myself to wake up even earlier...5 to 5:30 is early enough in my book!  I do make it home a half hour earlier now.  I swore that I would start running again during that half hour.  It just has not happened!  It’s hard when Jason is already home to kiss him hello, change my clothes and walk back out the door...even when I know it is only for a half hour!   When he isn’t home yet, it is too tempting to start making dinner, cold the laundry, etc.  so I have been a colossal failure in the exercise front!  Next week maybe I’ll nail this on!!!

And yes...I laid out my running clothes early this week...ready to hop into them after work.  I figured have them out and ready and it would make it easier to switch gears and get out there!  Well, the whole week had passed and they are still laying on the trunk nice and clean and ready for use.

Another failure!! Big time!!!

Failure Number Three
Everything...this change in hours while seemingly small is really throwing me for a loop.  I’m tired (ok maybe that’s also because I’m in training at work..).  I’m sluggish.  I’m not getting things done.  I feel like I’m falling behind (blog writing for example).  Grrrrr

Failure Number Four
My weight.  It’s up.  It’s also the monthly ick, it has arrived...and my weight usually goes up when that happens.  But I can’t  honestly blame it all on the monthly ick.  Seriously...lots of cookies. (That I did share with Jason!). My weight as of yesterday is back to my high of this year.  I lost weight steadily from May to September...and I have slowly regained that weight back.   Grrrr!   Well....almost...maybe a pound lower.   But still!!!!!!!  I did it to myself, but it is still super frustrating!!!

So lots of failures to report this week!  I’m ashamed to write this post.  But it’s how this journey is.  I just lost a battle in the war..  But I haven’t waved the white flag of surrender just yet for the war itself.   I retreated and I’m immediately going back on the attack.  The next battle is upcoming!!!  Part of a war is losing some battles and winning others. Most wars are not won without some losses. But to win the war we must pick ourselves up, reevaluate and head into the next battle stronger and smarter.   That is just what I am doing. I know where some of my mistakes happened. (Eg Not packing a lunch yesterday because I felt icky...then eating junk food at work because I got hungry...and snacks at home because I was still hungry) I can correct those mistakes and move on stronger and smarter...and I will win the next battle!!!  I’m determined!!

I leave you with my work in progress.....the living room of my one dollhouse.

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

47: COULD versus WILL

Year 47 has started for me.  Yes...I just celebrated my 46th birthday and that ushered in the beginning of year 47. What will this year hold for me?  Will it be full of victories or will it be continual failure at weight loss?   I have some suspicious about what the year may hold for me in terms of personal life and some of those things are out of my control....I’ve just been given hints!   But  what about the things that I control?

I was thinking about this the other day.  Next Christmas I COULD be sitting here writing a post about how I am reaching my goal weight.  Why is a doable goal.  I am about 60-70 pounds from my lowest ever adult weight.  That is quite doable in a year!  WILL I?   

Next year I COULD be in incredible shape. I COULD get off my butt and start running....even if it is after the dark...colder than an icebox!  I COULD become an absolute demon in my new mountain bike, attacking any trail with confidence and ease.  (Or at least handle more trails than I do now!!). I COULD be a hiking fool with lots of miles on my boots.    WILL I???

I am in control of all of these things.  I could do them all!  I am totally capable of losing weight.  I am totally capable of running a bit in the dark, and even the cold. I am also capable of getting on my bike and learning the skills needed to progress.  I am capable of hiking so many miles that I need to replace those boots!   I want to.....I just need to do it!

We have talked here about some changes that we are talking about implementing that will help with these ‘could’ do things.  I’m even excited about some of these ideas and I will share them as we work on these ideas.  

So how has year 47 started?    I have been kinda off the rails.  Not as bad as you is the ‘once a year’ treat I get.   A special makes them every year for me....because the cookies as she says are ‘a labor of love’ due to the work involved. She has a customer (farmers market customer) that loves them...but she still only makes them once a year.  She gives /sells him a dozen and gives me the rest.   This guy actually reminded her at the beginning of December that ‘it’s your daughters birthday I’ll take the extra dozen again’.  He even called the weekend of my birthday to see if she had actually made them before he headed to the market that morning.  They are good!  I have been eating some cookies.  Ok a lot of these cookies.   It really is a ‘once a year’ treat.  They will be gone though tonight and then back to healthier living.   (Ok so I’m not totally unhealthy...still eating fruits and veggies with my meals and such....just cookies also).

I predict that year 47 is going to be one of success!!!!

Monday, December 10, 2018

MIA: here I am

Ok, so I missed posting on Friday...oops!  It wasn’t because I have given up or anything like that.  Life just was crazy last week!  
 Last week was a blur.  I had off Monday...Tuesday and Wednesday were my last days on my old team at work.    On Wednesday I had multiple meetings concerning my new team.  Thursday and Friday were the first days of training.  So just crazy!

The weekend rolled around and we were happy for the time to relax!

  I was really happy because my official weigh in day showed me down about a pound.  Not exactly on target for the 10 pounds I want to lose in December...but down!   I’ll take it!!!

However.....the weekend was sure to bring lots of food....birthday cake/treats.  Really?   I wasn’t giving up eating a little treat for my own birthday!!!  

We went away...grand plans to hike a lot.  Well that didn’t happen...a late start and some planned stops and. Visits along the way and we decided to just hike on Sunday.   We made our way south and checked into our hotel.  The idiot owner had left the windows open...the room was as cold inside as it was outside...20°!   We cranked the heat but got totally chilled as we waited for the heat to warm everything up.  No problem...we would just take really hot showers to warm up!   Except that there was no hot water!   (Barely lukewarm) That was the straw that broke the camels back...we got a refund and made a switch to a different hotel.  

Sunday we both woke up feeling icky....and where we wanted to hike was closed due to an impending storm. Well then.....we gave up and went home and curled up on the couch.

Today, my actual birthday and we are hanging out...both off  work.  We are both still ‘snotty’ but plan on heading out to hit some stores and run some errands...before coming home to curl up on the couch and watch movies.  Not an exciting way to celebrate your 46th birthday...but just what we want....maybe the earlier plans falling through were a blessing in disguise!!!

I did get my birthday gift from Jason while we were in Virginia...a new good chain to replace the one I lost on his birthday weekend!

You can kinda see it in this picture sparkling on my neck!!

Wednesday, December 05, 2018

Taking the first steps toward health: getting started

Changing is so difficult!  In my mind I can know 100% for certain that I want to change and live a healthier life!  I know what I want!  I know that the end result is better than anything that I could ever imagine.  Yet why is it so difficult to make the changes?  Why is it so difficult to take the first steps!!

It is the Christmas season.   For the first time in many years I’m totally excited about the holiday!  I was happy the last few years but this year, the first year in my own place again...with proving to be extra magical!  We have taken the time to revisit some of the childhood classic cartoons (yup...we started watching on December 1!).   What fun memories ....and can’t beat the classics!   We checked out the classic cartoon version of the Grinch  and that first night we also watched ‘Santa Claus is Coming to Town’.   (Amazon Affiliate links)  My dad always loved the Winter Warlock and would always sing/hum the song sung as he transformed from grouchy Mr. Warlock to nice Winter.  I never understood his fascination with the song...i guess i though that it was just really catchy.  But this year I really listened to the lyrics ...and holy moly, if they don’t speak to someone that is hesitant about taking the first steps to changing their life...than I don’t know what is!!!  (And now that I think about it, I think dad may have referenced this in a sermon once!). As the song (and speech parts)  says,  it really is OUR choice to change and it starts with one foot in front of the other...and soon you are walking cross the foot in front of the other and soon you’ll be walking out the door!     Is that not so apprapos for a weight loss journey also?   Just take the first steps...

Here are the lyrics (with the speech parts included ...really...take the time to read them...but if you don’t want to read them...listen...I have a video included at the bottom!

It’s time to take ‘one step’ and put one foot in front of the other and change my life into one much more healthy and active!


Winter: I really am a mean and despicable creature at heart, you know. It's so difficult to... [sighs] really change.
Kris: Difficult? [chuckles] Why, why look here. Changing from bad to good's as easy as...taking your first step. 
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking 'cross the floor.
You put one foot in front of the other
And soon you'll be walking out the door. 
You never will get where you're going
If ya never get up on your feet.
Come on, there's a good tail wind blowin'
A fast walking man is hard to beat. 
If you want to change your direction,
If your time of life is at hand,
Well, don't be the rule, be the exception
A good way to start is to stand. 
Winter: If I want to change the reflection
I see in the mirror each morn...
Kris: Oh, you do.
Winter: You mean that it's just my election?
Kris: Just that.
Winter: To vote for a chance to be reborn? Woo-hoo! 
You put one foot in front of the other, and
Soon you are walking
'Cross the floor
You put one foot in front of the other, and
[a tempo]
Soon you are walking out the door 
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you are walking 'cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon...
You'll be walking...
Out the door!

And now for the video ...enjoy!  

Monday, December 03, 2018

Addiction addled mind: rationalizing my food choices

Happy Monday!  Luckily for me I am off work today, so my weekend is not ending!  In a way I almost wish it were!  Why?  My eating has been out of control and it is typically easier for me to regain control with the routine of work in place. Regardless,  I found myself awake at 3AM.  Not exactly sick, but unable to sleep.  Other than that we had a fabulous weekend.  Relaxing, eye opening in terms of my food addiction and even a bit of exercise amidst the rain and fog.

First let’s recap the weekend.  I was off Friday.  (Jason has had to work both Friday and today...but I still have some use it or lose it time...I’m not losing!!). On Friday I spent my day running and doing all kinds of errands AND all of those chores that you keep saying ‘I really need to do weekend for sure...’.   (ie a new shower curtain liner, bra shopping, etc)  I was on the go from the time I woke up until about 20-30 minutes before Jason got home.  Felt good to knock so much off my to do list!!!  On Saturday it was we ran a few errands.  I knocked another big to do off my list.  When I reached my lowest weight I got rid of all of my big clothes....including winter coats.  As I regained I simply wore layers of sweatshirts to make do in cold weather. Not the optimal option but I didn’t want to spend the money if I was going to was kinda the same mindset with the bras and the bra shopping I didn’t want to buy until I was a lower size. (The bras had become a necessity though you know it’s bad when one comes out of the washer in two pieces!). So when we walked through the mall and I saw that most places had their winter coats on sale for 50% off I started to look. (It helped that this was my three paycheck month versus the normal no rent/bill money was deducted!!).  I fear this winter...we are due for a bad one..and with how wet it has already been, I think we are going to get walloped!  So I purchased a coat that fits me!  It fits me perfectly room for weight gain!!  And the best part?  It was 50% off...and I signed up for the store credit card (which I will never use again) and got another 50% off on top of that!  I got my winter coat for $40!  I hate winter...but after so many years without a coat, I want a cold day!!  On Sunday it was wet and foggy.  We visited Jason’s parents and hit up the canal for a bike ride. (Notice the multiple layers on wasn’t supposed to be cold...and Besides, I didn’t want to get my new jacket muddy!!!)

Today will be spent with my mom!!!  I told her she can take me out for lunch to celebrate my upcoming birthday!  Hahaha. We will be shopping and who knows what else today!!

This weekend I picked up a book I had read a while back.  It is called ‘Do life’ by Ben Davis. (Amazon Affiliate link).  I haven’t gotten too far into it during this reread....but it has already really struck a chord.  He talked about his addiction with food (and with gambling). He discusses how our minds (the addicted and messed up mind) can convince us to do the exact opposite of what we had planned or what we want to do.   As I read,I could see it in my behavior of the weekend.  I made a vow/challenge for December....I am going to try to drop 10 pounds!  So why in the world did I on Friday...November 30’th make my all time favorite cookie...a cookie that I refer to as my personal crack?  I convinced myself that I would make them on Friday and by December be done!  (Seriously...I KNOW that this cookie recipe makes about 6 dozen!). But, make them I did!   Surprisingly enough on Friday I kept it under control...mostly.  Saturday not so much. I had vowed  a ‘two a night’ limit!  Somehow my addicted mind decided that two a night had nothing to do with eating 8 at lunch! (Excuse me...for lunch...I only ate cookies for lunch!). So then when night time came along I still had my nighttime two to eat...but then my addicted mind proclaimed the day already a I figured that I may as well eat 4 or 8 more!!!  And I did. What’s worse? I started to repeat the cycle on Sunday!   The whole time I was doing this I wasliterally nodding my head and saying ‘this is exactly how he said an addict thinks’. But it didn’t stop me!!!   I am proud to say that on Sunday night I packaged what was left into packages of four  (I don’t make them huge  maybe 1.5 inch in diameter...oh heck...there is the addict brain speaking and rationalizing again) and  popped them in the freezer.  Yes they are still in the house but they are not as readily accessible!  Thawing then out will make me take the time to really decide if I want them,versus sneaking one cookie when I go into the kitchen (and that one cookie turning into 4 or 10).   

As I laid here this morning unable to sleep this morning, I started to think about the nights I can’t sleep.  Without fail they are followed by either a night or a period of time on which my eating was not exactly healthy.  (Hmm And water consumption has been non existent this weekend also....). Coincidence?   I think not!!!!

So I’m kinda back on track.  It will still be a rough month food wise...lunch out with mom today...birthday celebrations....Christmas...eiiyiiyii!   But I am hot on the trail!  I can do it!!!