Friday, March 08, 2013

Indicators of success

I planned my day carefully yesterday.  After my overage on calories due to the craziness of life on Wednesday, I wasn't going to let that happen on Thursday.  So I planned.  I planned carefully because I knew I was going out with friends after work.  I made sure I left enough calories for any eventuality (ie in case the meal I planned to eat was not available for whatever reason and I had to get something else.  I tell you.  I was READY)  I looked forward to my evening out all day.  I got off work at six....and arrived at the location.  My friend  had gotten there early and how polite of my friend......already ordered AND ate.  Seriously?  What freakin' kind of friend does that.  So they were ready to roll onward.  It didn't give me any option...other than being a bitch and saying "I haven't go ahead, even though I haven't seen you in ages I'm not going along because I'm going to eat".  I spent the time with my friend.  I'm trying to take the focus off food and enjoy interaction with friends and such more.  So it really wasn't a difficult decision.  (it's still incredibly rude of them). I end up getting home at 10PM...and I STILL hadn't eaten.  And I had over 600 calories to eat.  Crazy, but my first thought was, 'how in the world will I consume almost 700 calories before I got to bed"...because that's a LOT of calories.   I ended up having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich....and I thoroughly enjoyed the extra spoon of peanut butter.  I also had a single serve bag of sun chips.  Voila....calories consumed REALLY quickly.  But I stinkin' ate at 10PM (later actually).  And I gulped that food down with a diet soda. 

I decided to step on the scales this morning.  It's really not good. WAY UP  I want to cry it's so bad.  Really????   My hope is that it was the late meal (and I weighed earlier in the morning than I normally weigh) and the sodium from the last two days!  I'm HOPING.    (let me pause to drink some water)

Even as I type my hopes and my fears about the number on the scales I want to scream at myself.  I'm in this to be healthy.  I'm in this to look good.  I'm not in this to be a number on the scale.  I'm not in this to have this super low pace when I run.   I'm not in this to measure my success by NUMBERS.  I'm on this journey to be healthy!  I"m on this journey to not be obese. I'm on this journey to win my life back.  Yes, I know that my numbers on the scales will drop as I win my life back.    I know that as I win my life back that my clothes sizes will drop exponentially.  I know that...and I thus I watch the numbers because I know that they will drop.  But I need to stop focusing on the numbers.  Numbers are just that.  NUMBERS...a momentary figure that is assigned to progress.  It doesn't define what I did yesterday, or this morning or this is a glimpse of ONE SECOND of my life.  I need to figure out how to take the focus away from numbers.  I thought I was well on the way do doing thise.  I had thought that it would be a good idea to set no number goals.  I have no clue when I'll get to my goal weight....I don't care. I will get there when I get there.  However, I find myself worried about the scales.  Saddened when I see higher numbers  today (which very well are most likely late eating combined with higher sodium in my diet...I hope).  I am living my life chained these numbers. 

I didn't want to be chained to food....and I don't want to be chained to numbers. 

SOOOOO while I will still plan to weigh and while I will freely admit that the scales were not kind to me this morning, let me share what I saw in the mirror mere moments after I saw the borderline depressing numbers on the scale.  I got dressed and I walked into the bathroom to fix my hair.  I saw myself in the mirror.  I wasn't posturing or sucking my gut in.  I was just being me and I was amazed.  I could SEE the definition in my body.  I'm shaping my body from a fat blob into a defined female shape.  That's a HUGE indicator that I'm doing something right!  And honestly?  Isn't that a better indicator than some stupid number on the scale????