Thursday, April 24, 2014

Shut up!!!

My run today wasn't all that fantastic.   I started out and my legs were right.  My legs were heavy.  I felt as of I couldn't get a full breath of air into my lungs.   I felt that way before I even hit a quarter of a mile.  I pushed onward.  I know that our bodies are much more capable than our minds believe as I was banking on that fact to get me through my run.

By a half of a mile I was contemplating my recent eating woes.   I've been unhappy with life and I have to admit, I have been feeding my emotions.  I have made my plans for eating but often times I look at the food I've planned and I make a concious decision to eat something else.  Usually (ok always) something higher in fat and calorie content!  I am making choices that are totally divergent from what my ultimate goal is.  So why am I doing it to myself?   Ok, that's what an addict does, it's not really a question of why.   It's not pretty and I know why I'm doing it.  I just need to use willpower to stop!!

The next mile or two passed I eventfully.  I cried about things. I ran some more (with some bouts of walking because monkeys just felt icky).   I stopped to take a picture of some bluebells.

I even stopped to take a picture of myself  laying on the ground surrounded by bluebells.  

And then the run went from bad to horrible.  I started to question and doubt myself.  My mini me was standing on my shoulder hurling negative talk into my ear!    "Seriously MaryFran, why are you out here flailing around on the towpath and calling it running?  You are not a runner and you will never be a runner."

   I questioned my commitment to run and decided to quite...I could ride my bike instead, no problem!!!   But the litany of self doubt and negative talk continued in my head.  "You may as well sell your bikes, you are not a biker either!!" 

  It was a non-ending refrain being pounded in my head.

Finally I had enough and I started to yell. "Shut up!!"  Oh yes, I yelled it out loud.  (I'm so very glad that there was no one on the canal today near me because between the crying and the so big and now the yelling, I'm sure they would have pulled out the straight jackets for me!!!)

I finished my run strong.   Nothing was going to make me stop running until I got to the car.   Those voices kept telling me to stop and kept hurling insults but I don't listen.   Sure my legs hurt, but I finished strong chanting these words the whole way.  "Shut up, shut up, shut the 'f' up!!!!"

Shut up!!   I can be a runner if I want to!!

Shut up!!  I can be a biker if I want!!

Shut up!!!  I can be thin it I want!!!