Wednesday, June 17, 2009

open and honest

My plan today was to sit down and actually think about what scares me about shedding all of my fat suit of armor that I wear. What is causing me to sabatage my efforts. Yeah, I'm addicted to food and yeah, I really like food. But I am ultimately in control and I have learned how to say no and control those urges. So why am I now sturggling with seemingly no determination.

Sooo my first list is a list of answers to these questions: What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid to lose the weight? Why do I think I'm not worth it?

*for the sake of privacy one or two have been deleted and found only in my private journal, which is where I originally created this list**
1. I'm afraid to shed my fat suit and thereby allow my own personality to shine. I've hidden behind this fat for so long that I don't know who the real MF is anymore.
2. If I shed the fat suit, I will not be able to use my fatness as an excuse for any failures. I use my fat as an excuse when things don't go my way, it's easire than accepting responbility.
3. My fat suit allows me to live in my own insulated world. A world in which I don't have to take chances or step outside of my comfort zone. (chances and risks open me up for failure and failure scares me).
4. Lowing the weight and being a total success puts me at a greater risk of failure (should I gain it back)
5. I never dated much before my husband~~I guess in my mind that I feel that I wasn't worthwhile to date. Therefore I don't think that I'm worthwhile to invest this time and energy into myself!

Reasons why I am worth it!

1. I'm a child of God and was wonderfully and individually created.
2. I liked the person that I was before I put on the fat suit and before the fat suit started draining my personality. I was fun and goofy, but it suited me.
3. Success is not possible without the expenditure of risk.
4. Deep down under all these layers of fat a butterfly awaits to emerge from it's cacoon. While life may not turn around and it will definitely still have stress involved, it will be beautiful simply because I deserve success.

By golly, I just deserve it. Plain and simple. No one should ever have to live in a fat suit!

Now for the hardest list: Things I like about myself:

1. I do not cheat and lie (well, except while playing monopoly)
2. I'm a great baker and a pretty good cook.
3. I'm trustworthy and reliable.
4. Good friend
5. body part I like? My legs....the muscles are pretty well defined
6. I'm smart darn it. I've buried it under my fat so as to not stand out, but I've got a brain and a rather high IQ.


Whew...what a soul searching morning.

Didn't exercise today. But I have laid out my eating plans for the day. And I have my plan and I'm sticking to it come hell or high water. (oh wait, bad analogy....because it is raining again!...go figure!)

I didn't weigh myself today. Quite honestly, I forgot.

Speaking of honest. Yeah, I can pat myself on the back and say, "Way to go MF, you rode your bike to work yesterday. Great exercise." and "Great job MF, you resisted the cupcakes at work yesterday." But in all honesty, yesterday was a colossal failure. Well at least after work. I got home and hit up the comfort foods. Cocoa, homemade bread, fig newtons, ice cream, peanut butter and jelly, oh wait, lets not forget the 100 cal pack of fudge stripes (at least it was only 100 cal pack...because if it would have been a complete package of open fudge stripes, yeah, they would have all been gone!) Oh wait, did I say that this was all between 6 and 9PM!