Saturday, August 08, 2015

Smelly dishrag

I don't normally post intensely personal stuff...but today I'm going to because it's made me realize some things about myself.  And while this is a weight loss blog, life intertwines together.  The foot-bone is connected to the ankle bone and the ankle bone is connected to the.......(or however that song goes).  It's all connected.

This week I may have lost a friend. She made a comment about my divorce proceedings.  It was something that I knew to be wrong.   Normally I would just shut my mouth and smile and nod and let the other person go on believing that they were right.  I don't like to hurt peoples feelings.  I like peace.  This week I just couldn't do it.  I don't know why....was it because the stars were aligned perfectly?  Was there a high tide?  A southeast wind blowing?   Who knows.  But I stopped her and said "Actually you are wrong.  That is not true."  She didn't take it well and began to argue her point and wouldn't listen when I said that I had court documents stating that my words were true.  She just kept arguing.  She wouldn't listen  when I said I had actually talked to court representatives.  She just kept arguing her point....and her arguments started to change and were contradictory (yes, I called her on that too).  She didn't listen when I said that under oath they had me affirm that I understood the procedures and wait and all that.  Eventually she ran off screaming and left.  She has 'tried' to apologize...but it was and has been followed by the words "However" and "But"  as she continues to argue her point.  
Here is the weird part.  I feel strangely at peace.  Probably more peaceful than I have felt in a LONG time.  I'm tired of being a dishrag that just accepts the verbal vomit of others.  Be it lies, incorrect information or whatever.  It insults my intelligence to smile and nod and 'publically accept it'.  I'm not saying that I'm going to argue every point. I'm not saying that there isn't a time and a place.  I"m saying that I'm tired of being made to feel inadequate and stupid.....when I am nothing near inadequate and stupid.   I don't need to be a dishrag that is just limp and meek.  

I've decided that I will be running alone and training alone.  Running with a partner has not been good for me.  My running partner usually runs 3-5 feet ahead of me.  Always making me feel (are you ready for it comes).....inadequate.  I'm always chasing her because "I'm the slow one".  Running alone I will run for ME.  I did incredible when I was training by myself before.  Absolutely incredible. And I will do incredible again!  

So today I went out running.  I ran for ME!  I didn't run 3 feet behind someone.  I didn't have anyone 'encouraging' me.   And actually today I ran one of my FASTEST half miles in MONTHS....and it was at the tail end of my 3 miles! I guess it's working already!  Now don't get too excited.   It's still SLOW!  But I feel hopeful about running for the first time in months!
I may be home a bit more and by myself a bit more.  But you know what?  I kinda like my own company.  Maybe it's time to write again.  Maybe it's time to be me!   And in finding me....maybe I can finally conquer this weight once and for all!  I know that emotions....stress....and all of that plays a HUGE part in weight loss.  So hopefully!