Wednesday, March 23, 2011

The mountain to Happiness

A month or so I wrote about how i was so utterly depressed and just overwhelmingly sad.  I wrote on here how I was trying to dig my way out of this pit of despair.  It was slow but I feel as if I was really making progress.  I was standing up for me.  I was taking time to do things for me.  I was starting to feel better.  Yeah, life was still really getting me down, but I was trying to focus on the good things.  Trying to not allow things to get to not dwell on everything that seems to have dumped on me in recent months.

However yesterday all my progree came to a crashing halting stop.  Let me back up.  A good friend of mine....someone that I hang out with a few times a week and text everyday....numerous and constantly has been depressed and down.  I was with him on Thursday and was sufficiently worried about something that was going to occur in his life on Saturday that I sent him a text on Saturday telling him to keep his head up.  He did text me back and say "Don't worry about me, i'm not going to kill myself yet"  I responded back but didn't hear anything else.  I sent more texts on Sunday.....and Monday...and Tuesday.  By Tuesday I knew something was seriously wrong.  On Tuesday afternoon, I received a phone call with the horrible news.  He committed suicide this past weekend.

I lost a good friend.  Honestly, although he knew nothing of my problems and woes (or very my choice, I didn't want him to have to worry about me in the midst of everything going on with his life) he was my anchor as I worked to rebuild the fragile pieces of my emotions.   He filled the void as my husband and I work opposite I always had someone to talk to those long nights at home alone....or someone to go out with when Todd wasn't available.  I'm crushed and devastated at the loss of my friend.

I can't wrap my head around it. And I can't stop crying.  I think about the good times with him.....and feel better for a few minutes....and then I think about my issues and I just can't deal with I cry.    I am NOT suicidal....because I would never do something to knowingly cause pain to my friends and family....but I can see and totally understand where he was at.  You sometimes feel like the mountain to happiness is tooo high.