Sunday, June 11, 2023

When the Going Gets Tough...

I have come to realize that I have a really bad trait.  I have a tendency to want to quit when things get difficult.   So yes, when the going gets tough, MaryFran wants to run. 

I actually picked up on this trait about two years ago. It happened when I got placed on a verbal warning for doing something that I was TOLD to do by my superiors.  I actually had written documentation proving my case.   Yet, while they took away the time frame from my verbal warning, so I was no longer on any probation, I was informed that it was not possible to remove it completely from my records. I was beside myself.  I have NEVER in all my life received a verbal warning for something.  I am the kind of person that follows the rules and toes the line.  I try my hardest to do what is right and best.  I pride myself on my ethics.  So this threw me for a total loop.  I was absolutely gutted and ready to quit my job.  I was actually looking for another job, seriously looking as in applications were out and I even interviewed for another position.   Things got tough and I wanted to run in the opposite direction.  Through no fault of my own, I felt like a huge failure and loser. 

Eventually, my anger and frustration and feelings of failure began to subside. As those feelings began to fade, the job search slowly faded away.   

About two months ago I was moved to a different team at work.  It is doing the same type of work, but a different system, different rules, different expectations.  The team I'm moving to is incredibly busy.  So busy that I was on the team for 2 months before they really started to properly train me as there was no one available to conduct the training.  About two weeks ago they had someone train me in one process.  The person began the training by saying "To be honest with you, they walked me through the process yesterday so that I could train you today"  She had no clue what was happening. It was the blind leading the blind. I was super stressed for the following week as I KNEW that I was not trained correctly but was expected to be doing the work.   After a week they started to come back to me.  All I heard was negative "Maryfran, remember you have to do this",  "Maryfran remember, on this team we don't do it that way", "Maryfran you missed this." and "MaryFran you did that wrong".   CONSTANT.  I bite my tongue and I  didn't point out that the one example that they gave me to use as a guide was a perfect carbon copy of the work that I had done and that the sample was incorrect.  No, I am new, I am not throwing someone under the bus and making enemies!  I also didn't get snarky and say, "it would be easier to remember something if you would actually tell it to me before you expct m to do it." No, I kept my cool and allowed them to continually hit me with my wrongdoings.  And I started to look for another job.    Because, when the going gets tough, Maryfran gets going.

Luckily, they have for some reason started to officially train me (the last two work days).  So things have gotten better, I think.  

But it made me realize how afraid of failure I am.  How utterly messed up I am when I THINK I'm failing, even if it's a failure that is no fault of my own.  (And just for the record, the two failures I wrote about were not my fault, but I have failures that are by my own doing....I am not perfect....believe me, I talk about failure on here all the time.....even here)  When I feel like a failure or face failure, I tuck tail and flee.   Not cool, because sometimes coming through those times of failure and facing possible failure can lead to greatness.   What am I missing out on in life because I run away?

Is that part of my self-sabotage issues with my weight loss?   Am I running away (self-sabotaging) because I am facing potential failure and forgetting the possibility of amazing success if I stick with it???