Wednesday, January 13, 2010


First of all let me report in on my weight watcher meeting and the numbers. I lost 4 pounds!!! So my official loss for my first week of the year is 4 pounds! WOOO HOOOO!!

Of late I've been in a rather blah mood. You might even say I've been depressed. I feel as if my world is spinning madly out of control and I don't know where to grab hold...or how to grab hold...or even if grabbing hold will help. I stress about my weight. I worry about money (owning your own business...while it definitely has it's perks, it also makes my husbands income subjective to the weather, to clients, equipment breakdowns, etc). I can go on with the things in life I have no control over.Intrinsically I know that my actions and decisions do ultimately affect everythign, but it feels like so little....and if feels as if everything is so subjective. So while I have a say in some minor areas.....I really have no control over any of it. Yet, I worry and fret about these things that I have no control over.

So for some reason, I don't even know what sparked me to think this, last night I decided that I'm going to focus on the one thing that I have total and utter control over. There is only one thing that me, myself and I have complete 100% control over. Guessed it yet? My weight...and my weight loss. Maybe if I have control over at least one area of my life, that the 'blah's' will go away!

The grass is not always greener

Just read a great post that talks about maintaining a healthy weight! I have never had a problem with the concept of losing the weight. There is an end date. I however struggle with the concept of the 'for the rest of my life' that I have in front of me. I admit to getting depressed sometimes when I look at other people who seemingly go through life without a thought to what they eat with no seemingly no adverse affects. This post is excellent because it shows that outwardly there is no adverse affects, but there really are long reaching side effects from a poor (high caloric) diet.

My brother has often talked about bikers. He said that he knows a bunch of people that started biking simply as their form of exercise...because it burns mad calories (at the rate my brother does it at least) and because these people like to eat. He also says that many of these same guys start each spring close to 20 (or more) pounds heavier because they are not biking in the winter but they are eating like they want.

Anyway...I think I always knew that it would take work to keep off. I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is the 'forever' and the jealousy when I see other people eating what they want...when they want. That is what makes me depressed and want to throw in the towel. I guess I need to remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. ....which makes me think of my ex manager...She was one of those eat anything and everything...she was a size 2. But after watching her eat with jealousy for a few months I started noticing something. She would eat her cheesecake for breakfast lunch and dinner...but it wasn't a PIECE of cheesecake taht she ate for each was 2 bites of that same piece of cheesecake. She would work on the same darn piece of cheesecake for 2 or three days. The same was true with pretty much all the junk food that she ate....just a bite or two and then she was done. She loved food......she REALLY loved food...and junk food...oh my she was in LOVE with junk food. She just ate enough to satisfy herself and then called it quits.....portion control. So she was in her own way managing her weight. Yet I was jealous of her at the beginning because she was so thin and ate EVERYTHING. (Me, I would eat a piece...or two of cheesecake at one sitting...her it took 3 days to eat a piece).

SO I guess I need to re-evaluate and realize that the grass is not always greener on the other side. So when I get to my goal weight, I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just go with it. I know that the vacation that it all fell apart for me I kept saying (out loud actually) that I was going to live a 'normal' life for that week. And I did...and I gained 9 pounds. And I never stopped. Sooo who's normal was I living? I had reverted to the normality for an OBESE person. Not for the average thin person!