Friday, September 02, 2022

Colossal Failure

I have seriously contemplated writing on more than on occasion.  Honestly, I think about it quite often, but then I stop because what am I going to say? My last post was so positive and ended up being a colossal failure.   I'm nowhere closer to being at my goal weight.  I'm just floundering.

So, let me start with the colossal failure.  In my last post I wrote about a diet bet.  I started so strong.  That week one I was on fire. I was making good choices with my food.  I was tracking every bite.  I was doing zumba and riding the exercise bike.  I actually lost weight that first week.  And then I fell apart.  I totally just lost every ounce of motivation and drive...and the rest of the month I floundered.  Luckily, I remain in the same 3-5 pound range (right where I started) but that is not where I want to be.  I feel yucky.  I look like a stay puff marshmallow and I am not happy where I am at.   I want to be thin.  I want it bad.   But the month long dietbet ended and I didn't even send in my final weigh in.  Ohh I thought about moving the scale on the floor to a more sloped location to finagle a weigh in that would earn me back my money....but that is cheating.  There is no honor in that, so I just didn't weigh in at all.  Colossal Failure!

But apparently, I haven't wanted it bad enough to do the work to attain it.    Why???  

I have wondered recently if I don't find myself worth the effort.  I mean, I have had some negativity in my life that I struggle with.....and I am trying to work through that issue.   I also have the baggage from my previous marriage.  I totally happy and content where I am, but I KNOW that I still carry some baggage from my years with my ex.  I spent too much time during those years trying to make him love me and I was never good enough.......lessons that I learned that went deep into my psyche.    I know that me even saying it silly.  I am totally worth every second of energy that it takes to make myself a healthy me....but sometime still holds me back.   

My mom continues to progress slowly in her rehabilitation after her stroke.  It is a slow process and one that requires quite a bit of encouragement for her as she wants it NOW.   I have remind her that it is a process....and one that takes time.  She frequently cries and laments and apologizes for where she is and that she even had the stroke.  I come back with saying that I accept her apology ...but there is no need.  The past is the past and we can't change it and honestly we don't exactly what caused her stroke....so was it a freak of nature or something that she caused....who knows, so there is no need to apologize.  BUT the future is what is in her hands.  I tell her to "work your tail end off to make sure that you don't need to apologize for what is going to happen in the future....for the stuff that she CAN control"

Good advice???

I think so.  But wow if that advice doesn't come barreling back to hit me smack in the forehead.  You see, I want to lose weight and I want it gone NOW.  I get frustrated at the slow progress.    I show no grace and mercy to myself for my past mistakes.  And the biggest thing that hits me?   I AM IN CONTROL OF WHAT THE FUTURE LOOKS LIKE.   The past is the past.....I can't change that I regained weight.  It is done....over.  I can face the truth.  I can apologize to myself and anyone else that it affects.  But that is in the past.  I need to focus on the future... hold the keys.  

8 comments:

peppylady (Dora) said...

It sound like you been under stress.
Coffee is on and stay safe

Kerstin said...

I am glad you hear your mom is making progress, even if it's really slow (which is completely normal after a stroke.) As for the weight loss one of the things I've learned and really internalized over the last 12 months is to stop beating myself up. It's ok to feel disappointed with myself but no more negative self-talk. I've regained a good amount of weight during our recent move but I don't feel bad about it and look forward to being a bit more settled so that I can restart my program. Between your own move, your job and what's happened with your mom you're dealing with a lot, you deserve nothing but self-compassion and grace.

Paula C said...

Really good hearing your mother is on the mend. As for the diet bet? Well I had great intentions but I didn't lose at weight! Mad? Yes. Disappointed? Yes. I am at wits end. I want to be at goal. Be in maintenance. It is so hard for me. I exercise regularly so I know that weight loss happens in the kitchen, not the gym. Being older & hypothyroidism doesn't help. I know I must work at it harder. But like you I am not giving up. It is a new month. I am going to simply get to it. We can do this.

Anonymous said...

Please give yourself some grace and time before you bash yourself with self loathing for not losing a pound of weight. My goodness. It sounds like you hate yourself in every blog you post, except when you lose a lb or two.

Listen to your readers. They all tell you the same thing every time you post. Your mom being sick is one of the biggest stresses there is! Trying to make sure she is doing well and moving forward and then the move to your new house... double stress. Work... yup, stress. Your body is not going to lose weight with all that stress.

So give yourself some time, please. Its about time you sit back and relax your head and body from worry over weight. So much more in life to enjoy! :)

Wishing you only the best.

jen said...

Glad to hear Mum is improving.
Stress, worry, weight loss don’t seem to blend well. But a failure you are NOT.
Concentrate on you, your well-being and the weight loss will follow.

Liz Cockrum said...

I am happy to hear your mom is making some progress. It is very slow going. I am glad she has the drive and want to heal. You are no FAILURE! and you did not FAIL. Trying and giving it a go is the opposite of FAIL. Giving it a go, whether it's a little progress or allot means you did not fail. You just did not accomplish what you thought you might. Goals are good but only if you see them as positive steps even if you do not obtain them. That is how you grow and learn. You are not alone. This world is based on the past and it is not easy to let go and you Definity cannot forget. I hope you find a middle ground with your past that will not negatively impact your future. Remember health is more important than being skinny. I am not skinny, but I am only overweight by about 5 pounds or so. I recently found out that my chest pains may be due to blockages. I am not a health nut, but I stay away from fried foods. My heart is strong, and I will be having tests run to see if I have blockages. Big wakeup call! I am glad you are not giving up and watching your health. Glad to hear from you!

Amy said...

What would happen if you lost all the weight and no one noticed or complimented you or treated you differently? Would you still feel so tortured by not being able to progress? What is the true goal you are hoping to achieve by losing weight? It's so common to think that our lives will be better on multiple levels when we lose weight; that people will treat us better and life will be carefree when we wear a smaller dress size. We have been drinking the Kool aide of the marketed message for decades now. It teaches us to put of joy until we reach a certain pinnacle and that if we don't get there we don't deserve it. It's fine to want to lose weight for whatever reason that drives you BUT stop waiting to allow yourself things that make you feel joy. Maybe of you change your goal to having more joy instead of losing more weight you will find that the thing you were hoping weight loss would do for you has always been there for the taking at any size.

Mrs Swan said...

I've been in my own world lately. Just wanted to pop on and say hello. I hope that you are feeling better since this last post. I am happy your mom is on the mend as well. :)