Word of the......

 I have always loved the concept of the word of the week.  It seems like such an amazing idea.  Except that I always forget it.  I always get bogged down.  I sometimes think that the word isn't appropriate later in the year.  It just doesn't seem to work for me! Maybe my word should be committed since I obviously have issues with long term commitment!

Except that a few years ago the word WAS committed!  I was so ready and committed!  I even went as far as printing up pictures for the wall.  I was going to do it!  And I failed with the commitment on the year of being committed!

This year I fell into the trap of thinking that it was a great idea again!  I wanted to do it!  I wanted to jump on the bandwagon.  But I knew that it wasn't for me!  So I didn't!  Instead I decided to have a word of the week!  I wasn't sure how well it would work but I was determined to try it!

When I had been briefly contemplating the word of the year I had thought about the word "control"  because it just seemed apropos for me because I so need to get control!  Therefore, when I made my plan to have a word of the week it was easy to decide my word for the first week!  Control!  I put it at the top of my day planner.  

I am in my day planner each day as I am keeping track of my food intake in my dayplanner.  (Yes I use MyFitnessPal, but I put it in my day planner and add things about how I felt afterward...how fast I ate, etc to try to get a handle on the GERD)    I also track my bike miles, exercise, steps, vitamin and pill intake amongst other random things. So it is the perfect place for me to see the word of the week multiple times of the week!   

On week two I started my new week's page in my day planner and I knew that control was still the word that I needed to focus on!  So I colored it in on that week also.

I was perfectly fine with keeping control as my word for another week. Seriously, if my word remained as control for the whole year, I would have no issue!   But when the third week of the year began and I flipped to the new pages on my day planner control was not at all what I was thinking.  The only word that was in my head was fortitude!  Well that was easy.....fortitude was the word of the week!   I got to coloring!  (I apologize for the blurry pic)

Today I started week 4 of the year and as I do every Monday, I turned the page to a new week in my planner ready to start the new week.  I sat there for a few seconds.  Fortitude no longer felt even remotely like it was the correct word for the week.  Control?  Well that didn't feel wrong but it just didn't feel like it fit.  The only thing that kept coming up in my mind was the phrase. "Just Do It"  But it's a word of the week, not a phrase right?   Could I put in Nike as my word because of their slogan. (Is that even still their slogan?)   But no, using Nike as my word of the week was nonsense!   But my mind kept saying "do it...do it....do it!"  So my word of the week is a phrase!

This word of the week thing is working for me.  It is allowing me to focus on what I need at that exact moment!   Yes, I think control may end up being  the 'theme' of the year.  But my word for each week will be whatever fits for my life, emotions and physical being that exact week!

Thank you to everyone that thought about me, prayed for me and asked about my colonoscopy that I wrote about the other day.   Jason and I made it safely to my appointment.  The back roads were horrid, but the interstate was much better (and got better the further north we went as they had less snow....and the drive home was much better as the storm had moved onward).

The test went well.  The doctor said I was as cleaned out as they came...perfect prep.   I also received a good report. An excellent report actually!  What a relief!  I do have a pocket of diverticulosis.  The doctor was not concerned about it at all and said it will most likely never cause me any issues and if it did we would worry about it then.  He did recommend a high fiber diet to keep my colon in good shape and to help keep me from getting diverticulitis. Which goes in line with how I SHOULD and TRY to eat anyway! 

Slow Down Already

​This  past week has been insane!   It’s been crazy at work.  Life has been nuts (as always) and…well I’m just plodding on one day at a time!

Work is nuts.  I work in the pharmaceutical field and with patient assistance programs.  The new year means reenrollment season.   Cray-zee!  There have been days where I’ve actually made the remark, ‘I didn’t even have time to get a drink of water’.   I know that eventually things will peak and it will right itself, but right now we are still getting busier and busier.

Yesterday was supposed to be my endoscopy..to see if there is any damage from the unchecked acid reflux.  I got a call on Monday or Tuesday from the doctor’s office.  My insurance decided to deny the prior authorization because I haven’t tried the meds for 8 weeks and subsequently fail them.  I laughed because I’ve been on the meds for over three months and haven’t experienced any difference from my symptoms.  The doctor’s office said they were going to do an appeal/peer to peer review.  On Thursday they let me know that my insurance denied that also as the test not being medically necessary.   So my test on Friday was cancelled. I imagine that the doctor will try again later this year?  I guess.   

My colonoscopy is still on for next Friday.  That is the one I’m dreading.  Not for the procedure, I’m dreading the prep!     And I have a barium swallow at the end of the month that I’m assuming will be a go with my insurance.

It makes me angry though.  I am paying through the nose for the insurance.  I have the top tier/best insurance my company has to offer.   Grrr. Oh well.  It wasn’t meant to be at this time.

I’ve been doing really good with my 2024 miles in 2024.  Today may be the first day I don’t get my necessary miles for the day.  But I will be short by less than a half mile.  I have been over every other day this far…so I’ve been banking miles….not a lot, but I’ve been banking a little extra every other day.   I know that I’m probably not going to get my miles in on my colonoscopy day…so I need those extra miles!  

My weight has been fluctuating within a four pound range.  Literally one day I’ll be at the top end of the range and the next at the bottom only to be back up the next day.  I want to see the numbers dropping, and they aren’t.  So that means I have to make a few adjustments to my eating.   I have to find the magic formula for my body to lose at this time in my life. So adjust I will!

Meanwhile, Zoe had a rough morning this week!  I found her like this.  She wasn’t fighting.  She wasn’t moving a muscle.  I moved from side to side and she would slowly turn her head…in the box to track my voice!   I have a video on my YouTube channel and it makes me laugh  every time I see it!!

Control

 The last couple days one word has been coming up time and time again for me as I work on getting my weight loss journey moving again. At first I ignored it...but after a bunch of times of this word popping up, I decided it was time to sit back and listen. Right?

What is this word?  The word is control.

The first time the word came up was while I was watching a YouTube video that was posted by a gal that is working to lose weight. In her video she was talking about how she was in control and how it felt good.  It made me sit back and think about when I last felt in control of my eating.  It was a while and I well remember how amazing I felt.  It was so empowering!   I smiled at the memory and thought about getting that feeling back.   I thought about it enough that I filmed a clip for my YouTube channel about the word control!   In that clip I talked about control and that empowering feeling. In that same clip I also talked about how I had succumbed to stress eating.

Weirdly enough, I had a comment before I even posted my clip about how my word of the year should be control.  Hmmmm

And then this morning. I stepped on the scale and saw that my weight was up.  I was frustrated as I stood in the shower.  It is hard, seeing a gain makes me want to give up.  But I stopped and told myself. NO!  Get control of yourself.  (Yes, I said it out loud too!).   I thought about that clip I had filmed, and I realized that even the stress eating was me LOSING control.  Crazy!    Immediately I was stuck on the word control, and I knew that I HAD to make control my word of the..........

Nope, I've done a word of the year before.  I jumped on the bandwagon a few times over the years.  Most recently in 2020, my word of the year was Committed.  I remembered the word for a few days...but I always forget it. It becomes a thing of the past. So, it really does no good for me!   But, while I was in the shower this morning I thought that maybe, just maybe I could do a word of the week.  It could change and adjust to where I was in my life journey/weight loss journey/etc.   I decided that my word of the week would be written on the top page of each week in my dayplanner/journal.   I could reuse words.  Maybe control would be the word the whole year through. But maybe control would only be my focus for a week....or a month...or a half of year.   

So that is what I did....I have added the word in bold red and I'm ready to live that word this week!

Is this all I Know

Another week has flown by.  Where does time go?   It's been eventful yet stagnant, if that makes sense.   I am feeling mired down in my weight loss journey, feeling as if my life is defined only by this weight loss  journey.  Maybe it's time to look more deeply at those feelings!

Busy Week

Where has the last week gone.   I added a new post last week and then I blinked and here we are a week later!   I honestly think that that older I get, the faster time flies!  I feel as if I have no time for anything and that I'm always on the go!  But that is the way it goes, I guess!

So, my week, what to say?  It was crazy busy as always.    I didn't have a car for a few days as Jason's car was in the shop.   The main thing not having a car messed up was my visit (s) to see my mom.   We got the car back on Thursday evening so I was able to recommence with my visits to her so all is well.

I used my time after work wisely.  I have been trying to split that time down between spending time with Zoe and with yard work.  I feel somewhat successful for the last week as I was able to get a few hours of mowing done in the evenings before Jason came home.  

On Friday I had a day off work. I got the car back just in time for a busy crazy day.  I started at my normal time at 5AM.  The early morning proceeded as normal but at 7:30 I headed out to see my friend.  She had lots of plants to divide, and I was the lucky recipient!  It was so good to see her.  She is a friend that I made whilst doing Zumba and it has been ages since we have seen each other!   I was with her all morning and got home just in time to take Zoe out for a potty break and a bit of a playtime outside and feed her lunch.   I was back out the door by 12;15. I had a few stops in the afternoon and my brother and I spent some time getting an old riding lawn mower to a repair shop.  (Maybe, must maybe we will have a riding mower to help us for a season or two......which would cut down on that 8 hours of weekly mowing!).  I came home and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening planting!  

Saturday, started the errands and groceries and a visit to see momand it was a rainy day so no yard work.   Sunday was the clear day so we were outside working.   And before I knew it, I was back to Monday and heading to work.   It will be another busy week as I have mowing to finish today after work.  I have a few more plants to get into the ground.  And weeds.  I have so many weeds to pull!  And watering...new stuff and potted stuff needs watered.   Summer is here and with summer comes the outside work! I am also committed to training Zoe.  She is a nut case!  She gets so super excited that it is ridiculous.  I have been working on her training here and there.  But I have made a commitment to really focus on a few different trouble spots and really work!   (Wish me luck!)  Plus of course a few nights of visiting mom.  So, another busy week!

Weight Loss

Really? I have been eating pretty healthy.  My calorie count has been spot on, I have been eating lots of fruits and veggies.  I've been drinking water. Exercise?  I am exercising religiously every morning at 5:30AM!   And yet my weight is refusing to budge!  What is up?   I'm incredibly frustrated. I'm exceedingly angered.  I'm disappointed with myself.

Could I tighten the reigns a bit more? Yeah, I'm sure I could.  But what I'm already doing should be causing me to have weight loss.  Yet it's not!  

I am still dealing with a poison rash.   I swear, I get new patches of poison almost daily!  It's like a never-ending nightmare!  LUCKILY, the whole body experience is mostly behind me.  The bulk of the patches of poison that covered most of my body are just scaly and dry, which indicates to me that they are on the way out!  The new patches are usually small and relatively contained.  (The other day it was between two fingers.....today the new spot is on my neck).   Could my body fighting off this poison be affecting my weight?   That is my only theory...so I'm going with it!

Weight Loss is All I Know

I have been writing about weight loss for a lot of years.  Seriously, I started this website/blog way back in the early days of 2006.  I have written over 2500 posts.  (This is post 2546).  I have talked about weight loss a lot.  I have been utterly transparent about my journey and my struggles.  Years ago, I started to write a book about my weight loss and what I learned.  (I have pulled it out and I have been working on it...it's mostly in the edit stage with just a bit more writing to complete).  I had started to compile a collection of my diet-ventures.   It is a collection of stories about the crazy things that have happened to me in regard to this weight loss journey.  Weight loss has become my life.  It's who I am.

But shouldn't there be more to me?  Who am I without weight loss? When I think about writing, it usually tends to go toward weight loss. Years back I started a youtube channel.  It was ironically started as a mountain bike channel....yet my videos tended to sound more like weight loss videos.  Rather quickly the channel became a weight loss channel.  Why?   Because that is what I feel most comfortable with.  Over the last 17 years,  weight loss has become my life. 

But shouldn't there be more to me?  Do I want my identity to be "the girl whose life is weight loss"?    How do I expand and become more because weight loss is all I seem to know after so long.   

Time to check in with my weight

 It was a really good week. I feel as if i was able to keep my eating under control.  I made wise choices.  I stayed within the caloric/point range that I set aside!  I did indulge in a sweet treat over the weekend, but the indulgence was the single night. Even better, when the weekend was over, I was only up by 1/2 pound!  That is a huge victory!  Typically, on weekends I am up about 2 pounds and then spend the weekdays trying to play catch up!

Healthy Habits

I am doing fabulous with the three main healthy habits that I am working on! 

I have been doing amazing with the tracking.  I am like a machine!  I have actually been taking my tracking to a new level.  I have my food tracker apps that I use. I have my garmin app.  I have this app and that app.  But I made a spreadsheet and I am putting all of my stats onto one spreadsheet.  It has been amazing to be able to see all the stats in one place....and see how they correlate and work together (or against each other!).   

I have also been doing great with my water intake.  I was a little worried because at the beginning of March I decided to start to do Intermittent fasting and to do it RIGHT.  That meant that my morning flavor packs had to go.  I was nervous, but switched to lemon in my water and it has been going great!  I typically get my 64 ounces completed by the end of my day and then switch to my flavored water (which contains my vitamin pack).   SO, with this said, I've not only managed to make an even switch....but I have also upped my water consumption from 64 ounces to 72 ounces per day!

Exercise has been rough.....simply because my leg is acting up. NOt sure what it is doing.  But I have been having pain behind my knee.  Some days it radiates down to my calf...and other days up my thigh.  I can pretty much trace the pain, so I think it is a nerve or a muscle.  Jason looked at the back of my leg and saw a lump and some swelling.  For that reason, I have lowered my intensity level on my exercise by quite a bit.  I have also tried to limit how many squats and lunges I do.  I'm here to build my body not to tear it down.   So, working through the pain and restrictions have been difficult.  But I have managed it!   I am going strong with my exercise!

Weigh IN

Last week I had a fabulous loss, and I was worried about pulling another fabulous weight loss for the second week in a row.  But I vowed to hold it together over the weekend and do everything right.  Live but manage wisely was my motto!  And I am so happy to say that I lost 2.6 pounds this week!  YAY

I am pushing foward.  I am more determined than ever!

When it rains….

​Why does it seem as when it rains it pours.   That is how July felt for me.  Just when you think it gets better it pours.

A few posts ago I shared how I was on track.  I was eating more consciously and even doing Zumba.  I was hot on the trail of health.  I was going to be unstoppable!  We were finally 100% moved and done with the apartment.  Life was going to get easier right?  

That’s not how it happened!  I was silent for a few weeks until  last post when  I shared the first week or so of July and how my mom had a stroke at the beginning of July.  I ended up that post by saying she was at a hospital inpatient rehab facility close to home…..life was going to get easier right?

I have been silent for a few weeks…and life didn’t get easier.   Mom was in the stroke unit for not even a full week before she tested positive for covid.  So off to the hospital isolation unit we went. 10 days of isolation and only sporadic physical therapy.  Her stay in the isolation unit ended earlier this week and we have finally gotten her moved to a nursing facility and she has recommenced with regular physical therapy.  The inpatient rehab unit was no longer a viable option even though she would have received longer and more intensive therapy.  But regardless we are back on the path to recovery now!   

With everything happening I was feeling quite discombobulated and off kilter.  I could feel the tendrils of depression uncurling around me.  I was struggling.  Really bad.   

In the midst of all of that going on, my work set up meetings with everyone on my team.  The meeting was to tell us that the main product we support will not be supported after the end of September.  Of course I asked about job security. And the answer was less than comforting.  ‘We hope to have positions for you…but you know with the economy we just don’t know’.  One director actually made a comment in the meeting I attended saying something to the affect of ‘look for other jobs and take care of yourself’ when someone asked if we should be seriously planning to not have a job.  Really?    I just bought a house!!  I just emptied my savings to buy that house and get it set up.  

Talk about depression going into effect full force?   I was a mess for a few days.   Intrinsically I know that there is nothing I can do about the situation. It is what it is.  But it really threw me for a loop for a few days. After a few days I started to regain my footing emotionally thank heavens.  In the meantime,  I have kept my eyes open for jobs.  I also know that my manager has since told me that he is like 99% sure that my job is safe simply due to my work ethics, attendance, quality, etc.  but in the same breath he talked about his uncertainty about his job.   But of course I also know that his guesses aren’t set in stone.   

So, while we were ready to get a riding lawn mower the weekend after the meeting, we put that on hold. Spending that money would not wise at the moment….at least I don’t think so. So we are still push mowing…but hey that’s 3-4 hours of exercise right?

See, when it rains it pours.  You think it’s bad and it just gets worse.

So what is in the future?  Lots of visits to mom.   Work as usual and not slacking.  (Some coworkers totally slacked after the news…which just doesn’t seem smart when you know they are looking at you in terms of who to keep and who to get rid of….although I personally think the decision was made long ago!). And moving on with life. 

My weight has been on the back burner and I have to say that I have eaten horribly in the month of July.  Too much food in terms of quantity and definitely the wrong types of food for sure.  Seriously…fried foods has not been a common food group for me for years.  Sure I indulge every once in a while.  But July was near constant!

That is changing.  I have been toying with DietBet or stepbet for quite some time.  I have decided to join a DietBet.  It starts on Monday August 1 and goes for one month.  It’s only $35 but I’m cheap…I want to keep my $35 (and if I’m lucky win some too!). I have to lose  4% of my body weight to win.  If I lose my 4% I am guaranteed  my money back (plus my share of whatever is left in the pit by people that don’t lose).    If you want to join that one you can me at this link. 

I had decided to join that DietBet and my coworker decided to do a HealthyWage.  That one is $25 a month for three months.  This one requires 6% loss in 3 months…and starts august 8.    She just opened it yesterday evening.  So I think I may be the only one in it right now…but feel free to join us if you want.  It’s ‘anchors a weigh’

So I’m kinda excited about my challenges…motivation…accountability.  I’m ready to dive in and get this weight off and get back to living and being healthy!!!

   And just because…a silly picture of me when we ran into an antique store while waiting for an appointment last weekend.

Pushing to the Light at the End of the Tunnel

 The last few weeks have been difficult.  Oh my, have they been hard!   I haven't kept it a secret that we moved.  I have even talked about the sheer exhaustion.  What I haven't talked about is how bad it has been.  I guess I didn't want to admit how far I have slipped!    As bad as it has been, I have not given up and I have pushed through and I am FINALLY starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.....I think!

The Pain

A few weeks ago I wrote about my utter exhaustion from the combination of the move and the unfamiliar yard work upon my body.   What I didn't write about was the fact that I was in tears from the pain in my legs.   I would sit and contemplate moving because I knew as soon as I moved my body would be screaming in freakish agony at the absolute murdering pain in my muscles.   I couldn't sleep at night because the muscles in my body were literally vibrating with pain.  I'm telling you, I was in bad shape!  There were many nights I cried from the sheer 'torture' that I was putting my body through.   

Even as I sat in tears, I battled with embarrassment.  A few years back I was in amazing shape.  I was still overweight but I was in the best physical shape of my entire life.   It was absolutely nothing for me to wake up early on a Saturday morning.  I would go for a 3-5 mile run and then go home, grab some water and then head outside to push mow for about 45 minutes.   I would then go inside, eat breakfast, shower and shortly thereafter head out to go hiking with Jason....and we usually hiked between 7 and 12 miles (depending on where we hiked) and usually up some mountain. I would be tired, but I was never down and out.  I was never not able to sleep because of the muscle aches.  I was never in tears because of the pain.  I would wake up the next day anxious to head back into the mountain for the next hike!  

Pushing Through

I am not going to lie.  During these recent weeks I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop the madness that was causing me pain.  I wanted to throw up my hands and settle into my world of 'unfitness'.  I didn't want or need this misery!   I didn't though.     As bad as I felt, I kept going.   Tears and sleepless nights meant nothing.  The next day I headed back out the door to mow, to move, to water our new trees (the first weeks by carrying 5 gallon buckets to each tree) , to plant flowers, to clear brush.  I gritted my teeth and I kept going.   I CHOSE more difficult options on a regular basis.   Which push mower did I chose?  Do you want the self propelled mower or the standard one?   I consistently have used the mower that is NOT self propelled.  Wait until we have a wheel barrow to move that pile of rocks?  Nope, I can do it one at a time...by hand!  Good exercise you know.   Even though my body was screaming at me!  I didn't stop, but just kept going.    I won't sugar coat it though, I have never been so happy to know that it was a weekday where I would be working.   You see, work days were my 'recovery days'.   

I kept telling myself that there would come a moment where it would get easier.  There would come a moment where my body wouldn't ache in freakish misery when I worked out in the yard.  The day is getting closer and while it's not totally here, I can see just this weekend how much better my body is adjusting to this 'new life'.   We mowed yesterday.  We are currently push mowing our property....and it takes about 7-8 hours TOTAL.   We have two push mowers at the moment so I mow for about 4 hours.  We also cleared brush from a stand of trees.  (and got to add a cherry tree to our list of fruit bearing trees and plants!) and of course watered.  (I chose to carry the water to the outlying plants versus using the hose...more exercise right....still choosing the hardest option).    I can't say that I was ready to go out dancing last night.  My legs were tired.  But my legs were NOT aching with utter misery.  They were not vibrating and so sore that the pain kept me awake.  And there was definitely NO tears.  

I still have a way to go.  I want to get back to the point where I do not even have the 'tiredness'. in my legs.    I want to get back to the fitness level that I was at a short 6 or 7 years ago.  But I can see that I am on my way!  I am not giving up!   It may hurt, but that is only my body getting stronger!  And maybe, just maybe; since I'm not totally wiped out maybe I can add in some exercise through the week!

Weight Loss Efforts

My vows that I have made in recent posts about tracking food and whatnot have not been executed to the degree that needs to happen.  I have been  morecognizant of my eating. I have stopped the nightly sweet treats.  BUt I haven't been spot on.  I haven't tracked. So in essence I haven't really been working on my food intake all that much.  HOWEVER, I have managed to lose about 6-7 pounds since we moved!     I'll take it!  Now I just need to get serious and actually work on my food intake.  

Things are topsy turvy crazy

 LIfe is crazy!  That should be enough said.  Life is crazy!  From house hunting to weight loss to crazy dreams.  It' all nuts!

House Hunting

We spent some more time this weekend and saw some houses that we really liked.  One in particular.  We REALLY lilked it. It had the a few acres and trees (which Jason and I both would love to have)   It had not just a fireplace, but also a woodstove (Jason's wish list).  It had a hot tub (which is on my wish list so every house we look at, I look for a location to add a hot tub).  It had what we wanted.   So of course, we made an offer.   It's so difficult to wait until the offer is reviewed and either accepted or rejected.  This is not the first house where we placed an offer.  The waiting doesn't get any easier after the first.  Honestly, it is probably worse, since you already have first hand experience.  But we placed our offer this past weekend and then waited.   We did everything we could to make our offer look good.  We had an escalation clause to bump up our offer if needed in order to be the highest offer......to a certain limit that we were willing to pay.  We wrote a heartfelt letter to include.  We did it all.    Monday evening we got the text.

The answer?   The seller went with another offer.  

Yes, we were/are bummed out.  It is frustrating.  The market is insane.  At the houses we toured last weekend at each house we saw the people touring the house right before us and the people touring right after us.  The tours were booked that tight and solid.   It seems a bit hopeless.....almost insurmountable.  Yet people ARE buying and getting their offers accepted.   So with that said, we keep looking.

The house hunting process has been stressful for me.  I'm a worrier.  I stress about making the right decision, the offer, the wait, the aspect of moving, the process of the lease that we are in...everything.  SO I have had some sleepless nights.  That part of this has been no fun either!   I told Jason that I will probably be a nervous wreck until we have signed on the dotted line, moved our stuff into a new place and handed the keys back to our current apartment complex.

Crazy Dreams

As if being stressed about buying a house and having issues sleeping  as your mind races isn't bad enough, I have been having some nights recently where I have been having dreams.  They are dreams that I am back in a relationship with my ex-husband.  They are dreams that emphasize the emotions that I lived with daily during my marriage with him.  (At least the end of the marriage......like the last half if not more.)   Last night I dreamed that I had left him and then I went back.  In my dream I was blown away at the pain and disappointment in my parents eyes.  (As if dreaming about the sadness of my previous marriage isn't enough...my dad made an appearance in the dream....my dad who passed away 4.5 years ago and seeing my dad in my dreams always messes me up.) In this dream I had gone back and  I struggled to move around the house, but everything that was in the house that was mine was broken, covered with dirt, decrepit.  My ex's stuff was all pristine and well kept.  And in seeing that, I saw the undervalue of myself in that marriage.  I didn't matter what I did during my marriage, I was not important and the dream highlighted that.  As I slept, those heavy weighted feelings and emotions drove me down.  What a load I was carrying back then that I am reliving during my dreams.  Because while they return to me in a dream, they are well known from my time in that marriage.  The emotions of a dream where the dreammimics real life events that you have lived are hard to put into their place.  Because these emotions are based on memories.  Memories that I would sooner forget.  But yet, after these dreams I find myself in tears and reliving the sadness and pain of those times.   

I don't know what is causing the dreams.....very odd I tell you!

Weight Loss

I am maintaining.  That is a good thing!  Through the stress of house hunting and getting our offers rejected and all of that, I am maintaining!  

The bad thing?  I'm NOT losing!  

So why am I NOT losing?  Well, because I haven't tracked a bit of food in WEEKS!  I am cognizant most of the time what I am eating, but the longer I go without tracking, the more food  creeps into my day.   Honestly, most days aren't too bad.  I'm not eating a ton of stuff.  But I know that I am eating more than I should......not if I want to be losing weight!  I'm disgusted with myself!  I feel bloated and icky and like a failure. (man, this weight thing keeps doing that to me doesn't it?)

I keep saying 'enough is enough'....but I  keep failing.  This has to end.  The question is what end is it going to be?  I know I know, I know.  I hold the cards and I can write the next chapter to my book (which will affect the end) anyway I want!   

Sooooooo, crazy life happenings here.  Some of the craziness I don't have control over.  I can only chose how I will react to the craziness......so how will I react? 

1.  I am vowing to continue to rely on my prayers and my faith that the perfect house will come alone in the perfect time for us.

2.  I am vowing to now let the memories of those bad years in my life affect me.  I will remember them and then thank God every day for the healthy relationship that I have with Jason

3.  I will stop being lackidaisical with my weight.  At the point where I am in life, not trying has the same damaging effect as eating like a mad woman!  So TRY TRY TRY....never give up.  (and that means tracking...like NOW!)

Life won't beat me! 

Dirty Butt and Weight Loss

​I have been meaning to write.  Honest engine!    But life is not slowing down.  It is crazy.  No, we haven’t found our dream house yet….but not for lack of trying! And wow…just wow!   As if the house hunting isn’t enough angst….weight loss is not moving in the right direction.  Honestly, the stress and worry is not doing wonders for my weight loss efforts.  I have long admitted I wear my stress…..and that is holding true!

So let’s start with the house hunting!

We have been touring houses!  A few here and there.   It seems as if the longer we search the worse the houses get.  I kid you not.   At the very onset of house hunting we saw multiple houses that interested us and we even put in an offer on one of them.  But the last house hunting mission has  been the pits.  We saw a house that was so damp and wet in the finished basement that all the doors in the basement were swollen and would only open a crack, and I struggled to get my oversized  body into some of those rooms.  Or the roof that according to the listing was only 6 months old but was obviously older and leaking!  Yes! The attic area rafters were so wet and rotten that if you touched the wood you got a handful of rotten wood that would fall away.   No thank you.  Maybe I should talk about the house that was filled with beds.  Every room.  The people didn’t vacate and all sat on their beds staring at us as we walked through.  And my word.  The house reeked of dirty butt.  I know…I know, you can clean  and paint over dirty.  And I am open to that. But that house also had some major issues with the structure.   Let’s see, there was the house that was absolutely fantastic.  Tons of space (over 3000 square feet) and huge rooms.  But it ended up being in a bad neighborhood (which I suspected before we went…but I was hoping it would have been a half mile or so further down the road in a much nicer area.)  still don’t believe me?   Maybe the house that had space heaters because the furnace was inspected a few days earlier and had been inoperable and unsafe. Wow.

We are open to cleaning and some minor painting.  But we will be tapped out financially for a bit (gonna use most of not all of my accessible savings for down payment and closing costs) and can’t afford a ‘fixer upper’ that needs immediate repairs.    Our realtor is fantastic.   She works part time as a home inspector.  So she points out little things that we would most likely miss.  She doesn’t push to talk about how wonderful these pieces of junk houses are.  She points out features and either tells us things like Ohhh look at this…that is - new furnace….or ohhhh that looks like it could be a problem.     

So I know that my prayers will be answered and that the perfect home for us is out there and will be revealed in the perfect time.  But I have to admit that I am really having to constantly remind myself to keep the faith and believe.

Weight loss

So what is happening with my weight loss?   Absolutely nothing.   I have been indulging.  Nothing way out of control.  But I’m not perfectly inline with where I need to be either.  Tracking you ask, what’s that?  64 ounces of water?  You have to be kidding me!  I’m not doing what I know needs to be done.   Luckily my weight is fluctuating in the same 2-3 pound range and I haven’t gained crazily.  But I’m not losing either!

I know that stress is driving me towards the food. And while understandable, it is not ok.   But then the vicious cycle starts.  I eat and feel stuffed and guilty and like a failure and that just makes me turn to food to assuage my emotions.  Which in turn brings more angst.  And then I think again about house hunting and you got it, I turn toward food.   Luckily I don’t eat every time I turn toward food.  But the desire is in my head. It’s my comfort and my mind craves that comfort in these times of stress and upset.  I don’t always cave…I sometimes can stand firm.    Either way, I’m not doing the greatest.  Luckily this far I’ve been able to at least hold steady…but I have to make the change and fix myself…my mind in terms of food and my weight!

So that is the scoop!   Crazy times.  House hunting and work…(which is also still crazy but I’m really working on not letting it get to me…not an easy task but I’m trying).  Life is crazy and while we sometimes don’t have any control over the speed that this rollercoaster of life brings to us.  What we do have control over is how we react to the dips and valleys.  That is what I need to focus on.  Remembering to rely on my faith and belief in the power of prayer is one thing.  The other thing is to stop feeding my emotions…and hopefully if I stop feeding the emotions literally my mind will get with the program and stop dreaming about feeding my emotions!

Life’s Rollercoaster

​Life is one big rollercoaster.  Ups and downs.  Valleys and highs.  Craziness around every corner.  Sometimes the rollercoaster is a gentle one.  Serenely allowing you to see the passing scenery without to many crazy dives.  But sometimes the rollercoaster is intense.  There is nothing serene about this rollercoaster ride.  It takes you from highs to lows alarmingly fast.  It twists and turns and leaves you feeling out of control.  I am very much so on a wild life rollercoaster right now.

House Hunting

Have you taken a look at the housing market lately?  It is crazy!   We see a house go on the market on Monday and by Wednesday, Friday at the latest it is sold.  I have arrived at a house went on the market in the morning and I was lucky enough to get an appointment at 11AM….and when I arrived, the house already had a bid on it!  How crazy is that?  When they receive a bid. They leave the bids open for 2-3 more days…to encourage multiple bids….so you want your bid to stand out and look good.  How can you do that?  One way is a bidding war of course.  They are asking one price…offer more and put in a stipulation that you will go higher and how high you will go. (It will increase 1k increments).   Many people are waiving all inspections.  Does the furnace actually work?  Who knows…. What about the air conditioner, the appliances do they work?  Does the roof leak?  Is the septic system leaking and needing replaced? Without an inspection you are taking a huge risk.   But people are going without inspections right and left!  Crazy I tell you!  Oh and let me mention again that if you see a house that you like, you better make an offer that day…that minute.  I know it’s a big purchase but you just don’t have time to think about it.  Split second decions.

So we are actively house hunting.  Touring and looking.  Dreaming and thinking.  Jason does not do well with split second decisions….he likes to ponder and think.  It’s who he is and how he operates for any purchase he makes.  Me, well I worry and ponder the money issue.  I’m better at split second decisions…but I panic and ponder and worry about the financial end.  So you can see the rollercoaster dips and valleys that we are encountering.

About a week ago we saw a house pop up on the market. We made an appointment.  We liked the house.  We liked it enough to actually put in a bid.  The roller coaster of life picked up speed and intensity.  And then the rollercoaster rolled and twisted….our offer was turned down and a different offer accepted. 

Sure we were bummed out. I won’t lie and say any different.  But I will say that we have been praying for the perfect house…in the perfect time for us.  So we are trusting God and saying that the house was not for us.  We started hunting again.  We haven’t seen anything again that interests us enough to put in a bid…but we are certainly looking.

The rollercoaster ride of house buying continues.  If we want to buy a house, the rollercoaster ride will continue….and I accept that it will be an intense ride.  Because I well know the thrill, excitement and happiness of a great rollercoaster ride!

Weight loss

I restarted a few weeks ago on this weight loss journey.   I was committed and I saw success the first week!   The second week I went backwards, although I was sure that it was due to my monthly ick.  Week three I was able to recoup week two’s gain and even lose a bit.   But week four….the house hunting rollercoaster threw me into a tailspin.  I stopped tracking and while I was still making healthier choices, I wasn’t on 100% on track.  So week four I went backwards again in my journey.  I won’t even pretend that it was anything other than my fault.  

I am still clinging to the ‘Geronimo’ motivation.  I want to win this badly!   I want the bragging rights.  

But I know to get those bragging rights, I need to be consistent with my efforts.  I know how to lose weight.  It may be harder and slower the older I get, but I know how to do it.  I just need to do it!!!  Right now my weight loss journey is a crazy with highs and lows.  I am the one that can change this rollercoaster to a nice serene coaster…I have control of this rollercoaster!

We all experience the rollercoaster of life.  Right now I’m on the crazy intense ride.  But that’s ok.   Because the crazy intense rides that are full of flips and twists and turns are the ones that sometimes  elicit the best responses and feelings.   The roller coaster of life is the same.  The intense life rides are the ones that bring change and are the spark for us to improve ourselves.  

Over the Hump

​​I am hoping that I am over the hump of the slump that naturally occurs during a weight loss journey.   The hump for me is usually in that second  to third week of loss.  It’s that point where the excitement of the journey starts to wear off and the sheer immensity of the journey I am (once again) embarking upon hits me.  But I crossed over that hump and I’m on the other side still intact!

Week Three of my Weight Loss Journey 

Last week I wrote about my week two.  It was a seesaw of emotions for sure.  I was spot on with my efforts but the weight didn’t come back off!  In fact, I regained what I had lost in week one!  Can we say frustrating?  I tried to remind myself that my monthly  cycle was to blame (and I use the word monthly as it is more like every two months at this point….just come on and end already!).    But even knowing how my body reacts to my cycle, I was still discouraged.  I didn’t let up though.  No, I stayed the course!

I rolled into week three determined to stay strong and stay the course.  I am convinced that  my plan of lots of fruit and veggies and my weekend calorie goal of 1500 or under and my weekday calorie goal of 1300 or under is solid and a good one for me.  A nice balance of splurge and restriction.  And even though that 1500 (for me) won’t let me lose a lot of weight…it should at least keep me from gaining.  Yes for me, I typically struggle to even maintain my weight with any calorie intake 1500 or above.    I stayed strong over the weekend.  And on Monday my weight rigged itself back to what my previous weeks weigh in number had been.  I let out a huge sigh of relief and vowed to settle in for a work week of healthy eating.

I would love to say that my weekdays were all perfect. However there was a cheese incident.   One day for lunch I went to cut a slice of cheese to have with my lunch….totally accounted for and budgeted into my caloric budget.  But it tasted so delicious and I lost control of my addiction.  I didn’t lose control that day.  No I held myself to the single slice of cheese.  It was the next day that I lost control.  I ate my lunch and I did not have cheese on the plan but all I could think about was that cheese and how good it was.  I caved and had some cheese….and then some more…and well, I  ate around 500 calories of cheese!  I say around…I was eating out of control.  No counting, weighing or measuring.      I pulled myself out of my madness though.  It was a single incident during the work week.

Emotional Wreck

Jason and I went house hunting and toured some houses with our realtor.  We saw one that we liked, but there are some reservations. We are not moving on it.  The realtor advised us that that house will move fast (almost everything is selling within days).  Since we were not in love with it, we are holding off.  We are praying for the right house for us.  And in those prayers, if that is the right house, then we are praying that for whatever reason it won’t sell quickly.     I enjoyed our day of looking at houses…but stressed about finding a house and everything involved.

Work is continuing to totally stress me out.  Really badly! I am not even going to go into it the particulars.  Bad enough that I’m not able to sleep some nights with worry and the stress.  Some of their actions make me feel as if my job is no longer secure.  The things they ask us to do is near impossible.  And the instructions they give are faulty and if you ask you get three different answers, and if you ask for clarification well…it doesn’t go well.  (I’ve been reprimanded for pushing for clarification on something that was unclear and/or obviously incorrect….I’ve been on the team longer than most of my superiors…so know the program inside and out…and some of them seem to like to answer questions, not by saying ‘I don’t know but let me check’ but by making a decision on how they think we should proceed without checking with our clients or their coworkers. And in ways that I know will not work along side of other directives that we have been given).

Yesterday while we were house hunting we ended up driving through Sharpsburg, the town I lived in when I was previously married. We drove by my old home.  (My word he has it looking like some hillbilly place with junk out in the yard….ha). But that drive by sparked the conversation and memories.  And not the good memories…the negative.  And I started to cry…and couldn’t stop.  The mental /emotional abuse has obviously left scars that are still tender, just buried deep.  The biggest thing that I realized…it’s all making more and more sense.  I am just a doormat.  I am a bit of a doormat For this person in my life that I love (and I know they love me in their own way) that occasionally hurls negative comments at me.  Work that keeps pushing more and more work on me….yet seems to delight in telling me how I’m not doing enough or doing so much wrong.  (In fairness, most of my coworkers that are in my position feel the same way so this is not myself.   But I’m a doormat for my employer and they wipe their feet on my frequently.   I was a doormat for my ex husband for sure.     It wasn’t a pleasant revelation.   Even worse…..I have no clue how to not be.  I am just me…and apparently ‘me’ is a easy target for doormat status.

Week Three Weigh In

I had my official weigh in for my third week of this newest phase of my weight loss journey.  I wasn’t expecting much.  I have been up and down all week.  But step on the scales I did.  After all, I do it every day AND I needed to weigh in for my official weekly weigh in.  I am not a proponent of skipping a weigh in simply because I suspect it may be bad.  I want to see how bad so I can celebrate the next week when I see that ‘hopefully’ temporary gain disappear.  So even though I didn’t expect greatness, I stepped on the scale!  Ahhh I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I lost!  The weight that I had temporarily gained last week (most likely due to my cycle of ick) was gone.   Not only was that weight gone…but another pound had disappeared!   In total, during the last three weeks I have lost 4.7 pounds.  I’ll take it!!

I don’t know the answer to the Maryfran is a doormat problem, but I’m going to work on it.  My weight loss journey isn’t just about losing physical pounds.  It is about losing the pounds of baggage that I carry within me. It is about making me healthy inside and out.  I’m heading into week four of this new phase of my weight loss journey.  I’m excited to see what week four will bring me.   There may be more tears.  There may be sweat.  There may be less food than what I WANT.  But I know that I am planning to give it my all!  And in the back of my mind…I’m saying Geronimo!  Because yes, I have a real live goal/motivation!

See-Saw of Weight Loss

​The seesaw of a weight loss loss journey is absolutely crazy!   One one hand,  this last week of losing weight was an absolute victory!   But on the other hand, Losing weight was an absolute failure…but then on second thought, maybe it wasn’t so much of a failure.  Win or lose, who knows?

Victory in Weight loss

I just completed week two of my restart and recommitment to weight loss. Week two is sometimes the most difficult one for me.  The first week I am gung ho and full of hope, but by week two the long term aspect of this journey has hit and I falter. I am so proud to say that I rolled through week two with flying colors!   I kept my calories totally in check!   Once again, During the week I kept my calories under 1300 calories and during the weekend I kept it under 1500.  This is working for me.  I feel as if I am ‘splurging’ on those weekends with those extra calories, but those extra calories allow me to go out to eat and/or indulge in a small dessert. But that splurge is not breaking the bank or rather breaking the scale! 

I have  been keeping this ‘poorly made’ (on Jasons part) bet/challenge  in my mind.   I have been saying (mostly in my head) ‘Geronimo’ when I am thinking about food and indulging in something that is not within my food budget.   Yes, I am that competitive, even though there is like a 100% chance that I won’t really make Jason jump if/when the time comes.  But I will definitely hold it over his head, probably forever!   I’ll be 99 years old and saying ‘maybe I’ll make you jump this year….because you know; I won!  It’s that thrill that I am fighting for… not so much to actually make him jump.  Although you know….maybe he will willingly face his fear and jump!  :-)

So I mentioned poorly made bet?  Yes, Jason realized that his bet was poorly made…..the next morning when his buzz had worn off!  (I have no shame….I very willingly made a bet when I knew he had a few beers in him!  I on the other hand was completely sober!). He has tried to backtrack and add in a time limit for me to complete my weight loss.  He has also tried to add in something equally ferocious for me to face should I not lose this weight.  But I just keep reminding him that we shook hands on the deal and you can’t go back and unshake our hands or change  the rules after the fact.  And I’m pretty sure that it’s obvious that I’m not interested in adding amendments to our agreement….why would I?  :-)   So yeah, when we were out getting lunch the other day and I was looking at calories and different options, he was looking at me and I just gleefully said ‘geronimo!’    I’m having fun with it!

Trying to get back to being active

We have been so lazy lately.  We are taking lots of lazy weekends.  Very little exercise.  It’s no wonder, the weather has  been cold and icky!  Each weekend we say ‘next weekend we are getting outside’!  But…you know how those vows usually work out, they don’t!    But this weekend the weather here in Maryland was fabulous.  We were running errands and on Saturday we walked through a park.  We didn’t have a whole lot of time…so it was short but we got out!   This ugly duck has always been one of my favorites…but his eyes…Poor old guy can’t see well!

On Sunday we started lazy…but we knew what the weather was supposed to be so we got ourselves outside.  We went to the canal and walked for a few hours.  It felt good to be outside.  My legs felt so tired after walking for a few hours.  But, it was awesome to see some green start to pop up here and there!

I have continued to ride the exercise bike every work day! I’m not too far ahead of schedule with miles for my 2022 mile challenge but I’m definitely not behind…right on schedule!   We also continue to walk every evening for about 25-30 minutes. 

Work and House Hunting Stress

I’m gearing up for another work week of fun.  We (I) have tried to change and tried to talk to managers…to no avail. I do get my breaks…just usually quite delayed.  (One day I got my break literally at 4:15 and I get off at 4:30.   And I only got it because I put my foot down and said ‘I’ve been asking to take my break since 2:30 and I leave in 15 minutes.”   They knew they had no choice other than to give me the break.     I am hanging on.  We are in house buying mode.  Changing jobs at this point would really mess up the pre approval and all of that stuff!  But when we have signed a loan and settled in, I will have nothing tying me to this job!

We are continually looking at houses.  Went through one this past weekend and hope to see a few new ones that are coming onto the market this next weekend.  We also still have a for sale by owner house that we are interested in.  We have toured that and expressed our interest.  The owners are having some work done, but were unable/unwilling  to give us a price of what they are asking and wanting to get for the house.   So we are in limbo with that.  If we knew that the price was in the range that we want to pay we would settle back and wait patiently. But…who knows! I know what it will most likely go for.  But that doesn’t mean they won’t ask some outrageous price.

Weight Loss Journey Weigh In

I had my official weigh in this past weekend and here is the other side of the weight loss seesaw.  I was so proud of myself to have a fabulous week with tracking and staying on plan.  But when I stepped on the scale for my official weigh in, I was up.  Like literally everything I lost  during my first week of being back on track had come back!  I kept telling myself ‘it’s water retention due to your out of what  cycle’. But even saying that is doesn’t take away the frustration and hopelessness that one feels when you see that  a week of great efforts meant nothing on the scales and in fact garnered a gain!  

I didn’t allow myself to stop though.  I kept telling myself, ‘stay the course and your efforts WILL pay off’.  I kept my calories at my weekend goal level all weekend, I didn’t let up!

This morning I woke up and like normal I stepped on the scale.  Not for my official weigh in, but just for a wee little check on progress (I weight daily…but only count one specific day as my official weigh in…this works for me.). I was soooo happy to see that my weight went back down to what it was before this last seesaw week.   Can I hope that I can get back to losing???   

The seesaw was crazy during this week of weight loss efforts.  Pride in my weight loss efforts fought with the frustration at the numbers on the scale.  The question is, what won that battle?  What won  was the drive to succeed and to make week three a great weight loss week!  The drive to see the results of week three!   So watch out, I’m planning on hopping off the seesaw.  I’m planning on having a spectacular week of efforts coupled with an amazing weight loss!!

​

Having fun…..Or Not

​Are we having fun yet?  I’m not so sure I am!   Work is not fun.  My stress levels are not so much fun.  Oh and let’s not forget that my weight loss journey is not fun at all!   I’m not having fun in life right now am I?

Work fun (sarcastic fun)

Work has been absolutely insane lately.   We are crazy busy.   There is not enough time in the day to complete what they ask of us.  So we are left with two options.  1.  Come in early/stay late/work through our breaks…off the clock.  Or 2.  Have this manager or another manager constantly asking about why such and such isn’t done.   We (my coworkers) are constantly being belittled and micromanaged by the people in positions above us. We are singly called out for things that either everyone is doing or is something that they are just announcing to the whole team that you didn’t do….even though it isn’t due until that work day, it’s only 8:30 and you just arrived at 8am.  We have to literally ask to go to the bathroom…take a break….or go to lunch.  I have had a break scheduled at 9:30 AM that I wasn’t allowed to take until 11:15.   Not much that we do is good enough.  It’s terrible and causes quite a bit of stress. I wake up with nightmares about this job.  (And it’s not just me…two coworkers have started taking anxiety meds. Another told me about how she can’t sleep at night worrying about this job.   A different one just called out sick and told me how she just laid in bed depressed and upset about this job.).  

House Hunting Fun

We are house hunting.  We are pre approved and ready to go.  But have you taken a look at the housing market recently?  It’s nuts!  Our lease is up in July and I’m already panicked about the switch over…I’m stressed about finding something in time so we have a place to live…but not too early because we can’t afford paying a mortgage and rent both!  Can we find something that makes both of us happy?   I’m just worried.  

Weight loss Fun

Weight loss just sucks some time!  Last week I watched my calories so closely and I did amazing.  My calories were right where I planned.  

I actually aim for the 1280 mark and my average for the week was spot on!  I actually lost a fair amount of weight at my official weigh in.   3.6 pounds to be exact.

And then this week started….  No my calories have been 100% in check since my weight in day (which was Saturday).   A bit higher on weekend but still in my lose zone!

Yet my weight this week popped back up to my starting weight.   Yes, you read that right.  That 3.6 pound weight loss that I showed last Saturday…the pounds that I saw slowly disappearing all through last week came back.  

Yes, I weight in daily.  I know that there are normal fluctuations and I only count my weekly weigh in as the official one.  But the daily weigh in keeps me on track and on target.  It’s disheartening to see the weight pop up and then look at the calories and know that I am being 100% on track!   (And I’m drinking my water too!)

I’m not giving up.  It’s only Wednesday.  My body has until Saturday to ‘get with the program’.  I will keep eating right.  The scales will catch up with my efforts…eventually.   Is it stress affecting my weight.  Could be.  Is it hormones affecting my weight?  (Yes, my cycle is all whacked out …I’m at that age you know.). Could be.  Could my body just be doing it’s own dang thing?  Could be.   But the bottom line is that I am doing what is right and good for my body…..and I will continue!

No giving up!!

I am…..

​​I am having the most conflicting feelings about my weight loss journey…well the last two days have been totally conflicting!   I feel empowered.   I feel sad.  I feel proud.  I feel scared.

I feel proud 

It is no secret that I have been struggling with my weight loss efforts for a while.  I have wanted to lose weight.  The desire has never waned!  It’s the motivation, the perseverance where I have issues.  The process of actually DOING is what I struggle with.  I have told myself over and over again that I will start on Monday!   Or ‘tomorrow’.  I even make plans, ‘next time I get food from here I will order such and such…but for TODAY I’m getting what I really want to eat’.  I have pushed off my efforts for months now.  

On Friday I knew that enough was enough. I wrote a post about how if I want change to happen (losing weight) that I must change myself so that change CAN happen. (See post here.). I was afraid to hit publish on that post though.  Seriously…I haven’t kept my word how many times!  And oh my word, I’ve babbled endlessly about how weekends are so difficult for me!  I tend to eat more food.  I tend to overindulge.  I tend to gain weight over the weekends…then spend the whole work week trying to lose the weight that I gained over the weekend.  It really is a vicious cycle.  So you can imagine how I was hesitant to hit publish on something stating that I was going to restart and how I was going to change…at the beginning of the weekend!   But I did post it.  And I did start my change right then and there.  I tracked..I managed…I had a great weekend with eating.  How did I relay perfectly?  Of course not.  I still had my weekend sweet treat indulgence.   Did I manage my calories like a budget?  Yes!   I cut out stuff and got smaller sizes of other stuff…and I ate according to my food budget! I remained in budget with my eating!!!   I did it on a weekend!  I was strong!  I am proud!

I am Scared

With the strong start I had over the weekend, comes the fear.  Been there, done this before.  How many strong starts have I had?  How many times have I made vows.  How many times have I tracked?   What makes this different?  And with those thoughts come the scared feelings.  I’m scared I will fail once again.   I’m scared of having to come back on here yet again and say ‘I messed up’.  I’m scared of my own errors and human traits.  I don’t want to fail…again…at losing weight.  Sure I’ve lost weight before and thus have an idea of what is in store for me…but each journey is different.  Who knows what this current journey will bring me.   I am scared.

I am Sad

Yes, as exciting as having a fabulous restart really is, and on a weekend might I might add, I’m also very sad.

I managed my calories to allow for the weekend foods.  On one day that meant eating super lightly throughout  the day.   That was ok…but I was sad.  I was sad when I stopped at my mom’s and couldn’t grab a bite to eat.  (We all know mom’s food tastes better too don’t we?). I was sad when I couldn’t get a snack at the convenience store we stopped at!  I was sad.

The next day I was sad when I ordered the mini cheeseburger at Five Guys.  I wanted the regular!  (And after eating the mini…I will probably adjust my calories in a different way…their buns really do need two of their burgers to carry off the sandwich to make it taste good…I ate mostly bread!).  I skipped the French fries.  I lowered something else down to small and I managed my calories accordingly so that I was never over 1450 calories over the weekend.  But I was sad.  I like food.  Food is my comfort.  Food is my…well I am a food addict so let’s just say it is important!   Food is like a friend and to cut back or say no altogether was like turning my back on friends!  However.   I made the changes willingly…but I was sad.  

I feel empowered

I might be proud.  I might be sad.  I might be scared.  But I also feel empowered.  For the first time in a very long time I stood up and took the reigns and took control of my eating and my addiction.  I may not have LIKED the changes, but I feel empowered to have made them and to be in control!  

It is Monday and I am not letting up.  I had two servings of veggies and a serving of fruit for lunch.  I am managing and adjusting my calories where need be to be able to live my life in the lifestyle that we have.  I can do this…..and you know what?  Let’s add a new feeling onto the list.  For the first time in a long time…. I am hopeful!

I’m just Tired

​I am just tired.  Tired of what you may ask?   I’m tired of so many things.  I’m tired of feeling like a failure…and I am definitely failing at losing weight.  I’m tired of being fat.  I’m tired of even trying to lose weight. I’m just tired.

Tired of Being Fat

Nope, I’m not mincing words.  I am just plain tired of being fat.   I don’t like how I feel in my body.  I don’t like how my clothes fit.  I don’t like …we’ll much of anything about being overweight.    Seriously…being overweight hurts…physically hurts too!   I’m tired of it.   I keep vowing to make the necessary changes but I fall into the adage of ‘tomorrow’.   But tomorrow has not come recently.  Honestly the last time I had any great success was right before our wedding/elopement!  That happened at the beginning of October of last year!  5 months ago!    I’m tired of a lack of success!!!

Every time I gain weight it bothers me more.  When I was overweight (way back at the beginning of this website/blog) I didn’t feel fat.  My body was used to the weight and I guess the constant aches and pains.  But as I lost the weight the pain disappeared and I felt amazing.  But tasting that amazing pain free life means that as I gained the back, I feel every pound!  Each and every pound!  I’m tired of it!

I have bins upon bins of clothes in my smaller sizes.  Yet I’m forced to wear my fat clothes …which honestly I don’t even think of as ‘fat clothes’ anymore…they are just my clothes.  But honestly, I think about those clothes with longing!  I’m tired of being this size!!!

Tired of Failing

Before our wedding I had challenged myself to a 12 week challenge.  My goal was to lose 24 pounds in that twelve weeks.  And I did phenomenal at the beginning and then lost slower at the end.   I didn’t reach my 24 pounds but I was proud of myself with what I DID lose.  We got married, vacationed, uhhh…honeymooned, and came home.  I maintained a few weeks and then very slowly started to gain. I’m ashamed to admit…but I gained weight.   It took me 2 months to gain 10 pounds.  The next three months?  10 more pounds gained!  (Ok more like 8…but seriouslyYes.  I am sitting close to 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got married!  What in the world is wrong with me?    I’m talking failure!  Huge failure!  20 pounds of failure!   I’m tired of failing!

The weight gain on top of negative and snide comments and my own personal epiphany of how years of these comments have shaped my view of myself is not a good combination.  Can we say self fulfilling prophecy?  I’m tired of FEELING like a failure!

The Catalyst for Change

So I have been thinking about how I feel.  If I expect any change to be forthcoming in my life, I need to change myself first.  I can’t expect to continue doing the exact same thing and expect different results.  So that means that it is time to change me.  It is time to change my way of thinking.  It is time to change my actions.  The only way to enact change is to be the catalyst of change.  

So what is my plan and how am I going to be the catalyst for change?   Well first, I am going to focus on the things I CAN change!  But let’s talk specifics.

Negativity in my life. Sadly, the negative person in my life is not someone I can easily cut out of my life…nor do I want to.  I love the person…and I know that they love me.  This person is just not happy with their lot in life…maybe some jealousy…whatever.   I can’t change them. What I can do is start to stand up for myself whenever the remarks are made.  I can try to put a stop to them versus just sitting there like a whipping post.  And now that I totally recognize the behavior, I can hopefully separate it in my mind as drivel untruths!

Weight loss failure.  Well simply put, I need to stop failing.  I am worth every second of time it takes.  I am worth every ounce of energy I devote. I am worth it!  Easier said than done.  I know…so maybe fake it till I make it??  Hahaha. And I will be going back to the basics.

     1.  Track my food…RELIGIOUSLY!

      2.  Water….65 ounces as bare minimum

      3.   Calories UNDER 1450 at least 6 days a week!

     4.  Forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps!

     5.  40 miles of exercise/movement a week (this is the minimum I need for my 2022 mile challenge.

     6.  Work to add additional formal exercise into my week.  I’m not sure yet how/when/where but stay tuned!

Changing my behaviors will take energy…but I can do it!!!!!!

What a Weekend!

​What a whirlwind of a weekend!  Not just how time flies, that is always a whirlwind!  But the weather.  Could we have a bigger ricochet effect in the weather?  We utilized the one end of the spectrum in the weather to our fullest!  But time just flew by as it always does.

The Weekend Weather 

On Friday night we did our normal after work walk…wearing sweatshirts/hoodies!  The temps were literally that nice!  We opened the windows in our place and let some fresh air circulate! Upper 50°’s and  it was fabulous!  Saturday morning was more of the same!   Wonderful temps!   A gift from Mother Nature in the middle of winter!  Mid to upper 50’s!  We knew we were NOT going to let that get away from us!  We headed to a local state park and hiked!   Ahhhh. Fresh air!  Warmer air!   It was fabulous! It was a bit breezy so we both wore sweatshirts and a windbreaker and that was absolutely perfect!   The ice on the lake was in direct contrast to how the temps felt!  We enjoyed every second!  Oh and I had so much fun with my camera again!   I need to make the time for photography in my life!!!

On Sunday we woke up to snow.   Ok, it wasn’t much…here at least.  I would probably call it more a ‘dusting’.  We got about an inch and it was mostly on the grass and cars.  It did not deter us from heading out and running errands!  But it was back in the 30’s…brrrr!

The little glimpse of spring made me long for it even more!  Come on spring…I'm anxiously awaiting your complete arrival!!

Weight Efforts over the Weekend

I didn’t get around to lowering my calories on MyFitnessPal until midway through the weekend.  That’s ok!  It’s done now!   I also didn’t track anything over the weekend.  And while that is not ok, it is the past.  I’m not living in the past.  I’m looking to the future.  So today will be a better day.  And honestly, it already is.  You see I’ve already tracked my food for the day…before I even took one bite!  Go me!

I am aiming for a range between 1200 and 1400 calories. However, myfitnesspal is set at 1280.  Works for me!  I have something to aim for!  And even if I am a bit over (seriously…1200 is restrictive) then I know that I’m still in the range I want to be in!  Win win!  

Busy busy busy Weekend

I got row 9 of ten done on my quilt top!  So hopefully by the end of next weekend I will be ready to sandwich the quilt top, batting and backing together and start the actual quilting.  I have purchased everything.  Batting, backing, thread, etc.  I have one more shipment that will be arriving and then I will have all of my supplies. Next weekend I will have to stop at my mother’s house and pick up my portable quilting frame (apologies to my brother who stores my big old fashioned quilt frame in his attic…in fairness it’s in pieces and way under the eaves so not in the way.).  Hopefully I will be quilting by next week this time!

I was super productive.  I also did our taxes..both of ours (married filing separately).  I did the normal things around the house…clothes laundry, straightening the house, fresh sheets on the bed, etc!  

It was a productive weekend!

Special Thanks

I would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive of me as I work through in words my emotions dealing with the negativity in my life.   You don’t know how much your words have meant to me.  I am touched by your kindness and support.  

Moving Forward

I am still working on training a group of new hires at work this upcoming week.  Training wears me out as I give my all each minute of the day with them.  But I do enjoy it!  (And it is a nice break from the normal routine.). As I said earlier, I have my food listed in my food tracker for the day today before I even eat.  I know I will most likely have to go back and tweak as I actually go through the day and eat my meals.  But I feel empowered and plan to continue this whole week!  I need to get this weight to start dropping.  I have a goal of 50 pounds by the time I’m 50. I was doing well at the beginning of January but then relapsed so I am showing no loss for 2022 yet.  That’s ok.  I’m hot on the trail now!!!   I also continue to ride the exercise bike daily.  I have miles that I need to achieve for my 2022 miles in 2022.    In the meantime….every step I take is toward making me a better person!

Beating my Head Against the Wall

​How many times will I try to get successful results from something that I have time and time again proven to not work?   I’m doing it again!  I’m trying a method of weight loss that I KNOW doesn’t work for me!   And I am so frustrated.  Why do I do it to myself??  

So what am I doing?  I am eating about 1600 calories and expecting to lose weight.   I know…I know.  1600 calories SHOULD by the actual numbers be a great goal for eating.  However, time and time again I have experimented and each time I come to the conclusion that it doesn’t work for me.  I am LUCKY if I maintain at that level of calorie intake. Yet I try It.  Over and over I try!   When will I learn and just accept?

I know that my profile on myfitness pal was reset a while back and my goal is 1500…but I am going to go back online and fix that….I would rather see the 1200 or 1300 ad my goal and be over budget  at the end of the day versus seeing the 1500-1600 as my goal and see that I am right on budget or every under budget at the end of the day.  Why?  Because if I am aiming for the lower calories and I end up over budget I will not be expecting to lose weight!  It may happen…but I won’t be expecting it!    When I am under budget with the higher calorie limit it is human nature to expect a loss and it is very disheartening to then not lose!!!  

I am still struggling with the emotions of my own personal revelations about the long term negativity that I have been dealing with it.   Basically, I have heard the negativity for years but it has just become part of the fabric of my life.  But the wedding dress comment (your butt looked fat in your wedding dress) just has played through my mind constantly in the four months the since I got married. (Yup…it’s been a bit more thanfour months since we got married.). I have replayed that comment many times in my head.  In the meantime,  I started a new quilt.

The new quilt is coming along.  The negativity wasn’t immediate…I got a compliment about how beautiful the quilt was turning out.  However the next words were ‘I sure hope you are doing it right…your stuff tends to fall apart’?   What?   We sometimes sleep under a quilt that I made 30 years ago….that doesn’t sound like it fell apart to me?  It’s a quilt that I drag around …..literally drag around…it goes on vacation with us as I remove the comforters on hotel beds and use my own quilt….they don’t wash those hotel comforters every use!). This quilt is used and used hard.  But my stuff falls apart?   And there have been multiple snide remarks about my quilt.  And those comments…I think of them all the time when I’m working on this quilt…second guessing myself.  Worrying that for some reason this quilt will fall apart.  It totally undermined any ounce of self confidence I had about it.  So two comments that stayed in my mind for a long time (never ending).    And once those comments were stuck in my head it opened my memory and my awareness to what really happens.  So I still am struggling with those emotions.

But I move forward.  Processing the information…the comments…the events in life.  Life throws negativity at you.  Life throws moments when we keep doing the same old thing and expect different results. (ie my calorie counting).   How I respond and react is what makes me awesome, mediocre or a slug of a human being.  I want to be awesome.  So fixing issues and rising above is my goal!