Friday, February 18, 2011

Finding myself

Somewhere along the way I've lost me.  I've lost the essence of who MaryFran really is.  I've pushed myself back into a deep dark hole.  I think part of it has come from a desperation to make things right in my world.  "If I just do this for so and so, the world will continue to spin on it's axis. "  or thinking that the more I did for those around me, the happier my relationships would be.  I ran myself into the ground trying to please.  I become so immersed into the issues and problems in my life and worrying about solutions and the causes that  I slowly pushed myself out of my life.   So now I stand here with my arms out and I look deeply at myself and all I can say is "where did I go?"  I'm gone.  The girl named Maryfran has disappeared into thin air.  I'm left as a shell of a woman.....empty inside.

The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss.  I know it with all my heart.  I can try and try and try as hard as I can.  But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me.  I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me.   I need to find ME...the CURRENT me.  Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight).  Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want?  Heck no!  Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise?   Absolutely not.  It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few's as important as fixing ME.  Finding ME again.  Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.

I started a while back my quest to find something good each day.  I'm going to reinstitute that plan.  I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative!  It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression.  But I'm gonna perservere!   So....

Friday February 18, 2011 
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm.  Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!