Long Fasts and Why the are not Good for Me

 There are people out there that swear by the longer fasting windows.  I just read the book Fast like a Girl that encourages longer fasts for more fat burning and cell rejuvenating benefits! (link for book....it was a good one!)  I understand the concepts and benefits.   I even think I could do it easily if I set my mind to it.  However, I have learned recently that it's just not for me.

So a month or so ago, I decided to try a longer fast.   It was a bit of a failure in that I didn't make the pie in the sky goal of 36 hours of fasting.  However, it was a victory in that I did make it 24 hours without fasting.  I was super proud of myself for the 24 hours and was so excited to see what would happen on the scales.  You an imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scales and found that I had GAINED weight!  Yes, you read that right.  24 hours without food and I showed a gain.  (You can read about the experience here.)  I was disillusioned by the experience, but vowed to try again.

Again, happened the other week when I had my Endoscopy (which I wrote about in my last post here.)  I was not allowed to eat after midnight, so when I was finished eating dinner the night before my procedure I was done until after my procedure the next day.  By the time I got done with the procedure it was late afternoon.  I knew that unless I was utterly miserably hungry that I would just wait until dinner. And lets be honest, I knew that I would be fine.   Thirsty, now that was a different story!  But thirst is not part of this post, so back to fasting and food.   I knew that I would be fine to wait for dinner at the normal hour. I had a super healthy dinner planned for us and I had made a cake that morning to go with dinner (since it was a Friday and I splurge on Fridays.  Plans were made and it was going to go great.   Except I was so tired and lazy feeling and I was getting hungry.  I wanted pizza!  I wanted wings!  I wanted it all!    And that is what we did.  We ordered wings and pizza.   And yes, I ate a half of pizza and half the order of wings!    No holds barred!  I hadn't eaten in 24 hours, I deserved that food!  At least that is what my brain was saying.  My stomach was hungry and was egging the brains thoughts along.  It was a bad combination.

I didn't think much about this until just this week, almost two weeks after the endoscopy when I realized what had really happened.  I had allowed myself to get so hungry (I didn't have a whole lot of say in the matter, although I could have had a light snack when I left the doctors office.  my in-laws were ready and willing to take me someplace to grab a bite to eat.  Food quickly became this huge thing in my mind and nothing would satisfy until I gorged myself.

So, with that said, I love fasting and I do think there are benefits of longer fasts.  But for me, I will stick with the 16:8 fast.  It allows me to eliminate a meal.  It allows my body to reset a bit.   But it keeps me from getting ravenously hungry.  Or maybe I should say what my brain tells me is ravenously hungry   For me, as a food addict, long fasts are not a good thing because it sets that addiction into full play!

Lesson learned!

More motivation to bust through the weight loss barrier

Here I am another week has passed and I could have sworn that I promised to get back to really using this forum for my journey, going back to the basics and all that.  Yet, I am not being consistent at all with my posts.  Well, maybe I am being consistent......about once a week.    Either way, I'm here and I am still working on moving forward and making me the best me possible.  But what have I been up to this last week.

Addiction and Weight Loss 

Addiction is a crazy thing.  It hits so many people, but the average person doesn't even realize that they have an addiction.  If it's legal then it's not an addiction right?    Wrong.  I have an addiction to food.  Food is entirely legal....but I eat to feel that amazing feeling ....my own personal high.  There are people that are addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine and any number of things.  Heck, I had a coworker a few years back and she readily said "I have an addiction to chapstick.  I must have pockets in everything I wear and I have to have a tube of chapstick with me....or I panic."   Yup, that's an addiction.   Chapstick, legal and harmless but still and addiction.

So Jason and I were talking about addictions in the last week or so. Of course my food addiction was discussed.  But we also discussed a few of his small (legal) addictions.   He suggested that when I get to my goal weight that he would kick one of them in honor of my herculean effort to control my food addiction.   I looked at him and said, "You are  not getting out of doing a bungee jump you know?"  (no way am I letting him off the hook for his poor challenge/bet.  I want bragging rights in simply telling him that he has to jump, because we all know that I would never make him jump against his will.  But you better believe that I'll remind him of it as long as we live!)    He assured me that this was in ADDITION to that.  Ohhh really?   More motivation.     He then sweetened the pot further when he said, "MaryFran, when you bust 200 pounds (aka get below 200) I will beat my one addiction and when you get to your goal weight I'll do another!"   So here I go.  

I know, I know I know...how many times have I started over. How many times have I said that I am motivated and ready to rock and roll with this weight loss journey.   I feel silly saying it once again.  HOWEVER, I also know that if I don't start over again, as many times as I need, I will never realize my goals and dreams.  So here we go again.  

House Hunting

After last weekend's house tours being cancelled due to the houses being sold before we could get there, I was a bit discouraged.  Seriously, the stars need to align to buy a house in this market!   I am having to work to keep my spirits up during this process.   I believe in the power of prayer and we have been praying.   So the flip side, is that if I believe in the power of prayer then I have to believe that prayers are answered in the best possible way and this process is just there to prepare us for the perfect house.  

I was quite interested in a house that was 'coming soon' for the last two weeks.  The pictures looked fantastic and we got to go tour it last night.  The yard and location was wonderful.  And it went downhill from there.   The detached garage...the soffits were rotting. Literally rotting wood and open and the paint was peeling.   We were actually ok with that...summer project here we come!  We went into the house and we were hit with a musty smell.  The kitchen was small but nice with a  lot of counter space.  Likewise, the dining room was a nice size and it had built in cabinets and a large buffet counter (ha...I'm being nice......we all know that in real life that would be a junk counter).  We opened the french doors in the dining room oand walked out onto the back deck.  The view was great...but oh watch where you step, some of the deck boards were soft and rotting!   Ok, it would probably pass inspection our realtor (who is also a home inspector part time), but would need attention soon.   Hmmmm...   Back inside to the musty smelling house.   The living room with wood stove was pretty standard and nothing caught my eye.  We headed back the hall to the bedrooms.  The hall had nice vinyl flooring (the LVP wood style flooring) and it was nice.  The first bedroom had carpeting and the vinyl hall flooring just stopped and  there was about a 2 inch gap (and dip) before the carpet started.  Weird.  The room was nice though.   Back to the hall and into the second bedroom.  This was also LVP flooring...a different tone than the hallway...and the 1 inch gap between the two floors was visible .  It wasn't a bad bedroom...At that point though I hear Jason snort...he was done with the house.  Ha.  I kept looking on.  We went to the third 'bedroom'......different floor and another one inch gap between the floors.  This floor actually felt soft when we walked on it.   This 'bedroom' had been converted to a laundry room and a half bath had been added in this room.   The half bath....yup, different floor and another one inch gap.  Ohhh and no bathroom door.  HA.   OK, so the one inch gaps could have been easily fixed simply by adding threshholds.  HOnestly, and easy fix.  But it emphasized to us that repairs and upgrades were 'half-assed' in this house and to beware!   The house had lots of storage closest and a pantry.   So even though Jason was mostly done with the house, we headed down to the basement....and the musty moldy smell got worse!  There were no lights in the basement that we could find.......on purpose?  I can't help but suspect that is the case.  Using our phones as flashlights, we inspected.  The basement was finished....but we found evidence of drywall that had been replaced at one point and we found evidence of drywall that seemed a bit damp.  Well then.   In case you didn't catch the underlying answer, that house was a hard pass.

So today we are heading out to a few more houses.  Yes, on Easter Sunday.  Hey, we are working around our schedule and our realtors schedule.   Per the pictures, one of the houses could best be described by saying "the 70's called, they want their house back"  Another one I would say "you must have picked up your trim paint from the 'oops we made the wrong color shelf at Lowes".  We are going to see a house that looks adorable....but is at the top end of our price range.  And we are looking at one house in a neighboring state....a bit further for Jason...but it has everything on our list must haves and even everything on our list of 'it would be nice to have".   Time will tell......pictures make everything look nice.  (Well, not really.   We went to the house that smelled like dirty butt....and the pictures made it look bad....I was hoping that it was just the fact that there were beds everywhere in the pictures and that the pictures were just bad......but nope, that one was bad!)

Life

Life is going ok.  We live our weekdays just waiting for the evenings and weekends when we are together and enjoying life. It feels horrible wishing our lives away. But until the work situation changes, it is what it is.   I don't like my job any better.  But I am trying to focus on the positive....I have a job.  I am working from home.  It might be a toxic environment, but I am blessed to have a job that allows us to live comfortably.  

The pets are doing well.  Kiwi the bird enjoys life and he counts down until evenings and weekends when he is allowed out of his cage.  While I'm at work he stays in his cage right by my office door.  He is my supervisor I guess. Kiwi will occasionally antagonize the cat....he does fly by's and buzzes her.     Mertz, the cat  is still the diva of the house.  She gets a bit jealous when kiwi gets attention.  She does tolerably well with the bird. We closely monitor them when they are together though. The crabs are....well hermit crabs and somewhat boring. But still fun.   Life would definitely be boring without our pets. 

​

Ruler of my Weight: What rules my healthy lifestyle choices

I am in the midst of trying to change my lifestyle to one that is more solidly based on healthy principles.  This is an awesome and wise shift in thinking.  But along with that I think it is important to figure out how this unhealthy lifestyle came about. Or in other words....what rules my lifestyle choices.

Now there could be a multitude of reasons why someone finds themselves overweight and why the maintain that higher unhealthier weight.   It can be different for each and every person who is battling this journey.  It can be simply that a person is a social eater and happens to be very social.  It could be a hormonal problem or based on a side affect from medication.  (Just to name a few).  But for me?  Food is my addiction.

An addiction is the ruler of my life...and the mastermind behind my weight problem.  I’m lucky...I’m not addicted to some illegal substance.  I’m not addicted to nicotine.  I’m not even addicted to caffeine.  (Not anymore).  I’m addicted to the power of food and how it makes me feel.  But I’m unlucky because a food addiction is so frequently overlooked as a valid and real addiction in today’s society.

I eat for happiness.  I eat through sadness.  I eat because I am addicted to the ‘high’ or feeling of contentment that food fills me with.  

I recognize this.  I have talked about it quite a few times over the years   But talking about it doesn’t make it easier.  It’s not an excuse. But it IS a stepping stone for understanding why I am the way I am.  The knowledge IS a tool that I can use to overcome my battles with my weight and healthy lifestyle journey.

Luckily, a food addiction is one that is not based on a physical addiction...so when I deny myself I won’t be physically ill.   But rather....it’s a mental addiction....an addiction in the mind.  It’s just as hard to overcome...but with the knowledge of what my ‘ruler’ is, I have a better chance at overcoming!  

With this knowledge I can remind myself that I handing a second helping will not make me feel better....even though my addiction tells me that it will! I have to tell myself that the indulgence in the dessert when I’m not really hungry may make me feel better emotionally...but only for a few moments! And addiction based emotional response is only temporary. I have to retrain my mind to not listen to the voices of the addiction that tell me to eat!  Knowledge is power!

So what is your Ruler?  What was the catalyst to your current weight?  What is the internal reason that brought you to this point?   Once you have that figured out, you can make a plan to really fight whatever demon caused the excess weight!

Addiction addled mind: rationalizing my food choices

Happy Monday!  Luckily for me I am off work today, so my weekend is not ending!  In a way I almost wish it were!  Why?  My eating has been out of control and it is typically easier for me to regain control with the routine of work in place. Regardless,  I found myself awake at 3AM.  Not exactly sick, but unable to sleep.  Other than that we had a fabulous weekend.  Relaxing, eye opening in terms of my food addiction and even a bit of exercise amidst the rain and fog.

First let’s recap the weekend.  I was off Friday.  (Jason has had to work both Friday and today...but I still have some use it or lose it time...I’m not losing!!). On Friday I spent my day running and doing all kinds of errands AND all of those chores that you keep saying ‘I really need to do it....next weekend for sure...’.   (ie a new shower curtain liner, bra shopping, etc)  I was on the go from the time I woke up until about 20-30 minutes before Jason got home.  Felt good to knock so much off my to do list!!!  On Saturday it was rainy...so we ran a few errands.  I knocked another big to do off my list.  When I reached my lowest weight I got rid of all of my big clothes....including winter coats.  As I regained I simply wore layers of sweatshirts to make do in cold weather. Not the optimal option but I didn’t want to spend the money if I was going to lose...it was kinda the same mindset with the bras and the bra shopping I didn’t want to buy until I was a lower size. (The bras had become a necessity though you know it’s bad when one comes out of the washer in two pieces!). So when we walked through the mall and I saw that most places had their winter coats on sale for 50% off I started to look. (It helped that this was my three paycheck month versus the normal two...so no rent/bill money was deducted!!).  I fear this winter...we are due for a bad one..and with how wet it has already been, I think we are going to get walloped!  So I purchased a coat that fits me!  It fits me perfectly ...no room for weight gain!!  And the best part?  It was 50% off...and I signed up for the store credit card (which I will never use again) and got another 50% off on top of that!  I got my winter coat for $40!  I hate winter...but after so many years without a coat, I want a cold day!!  On Sunday it was wet and foggy.  We visited Jason’s parents and hit up the canal for a bike ride. (Notice the multiple layers on me...it wasn’t supposed to be cold...and Besides, I didn’t want to get my new jacket muddy!!!)

Today will be spent with my mom!!!  I told her she can take me out for lunch to celebrate my upcoming birthday!  Hahaha. We will be shopping and who knows what else today!!

This weekend I picked up a book I had read a while back.  It is called ‘Do life’ by Ben Davis. (Amazon Affiliate link).  I haven’t gotten too far into it during this reread....but it has already really struck a chord.  He talked about his addiction with food (and with gambling). He discusses how our minds (the addicted and messed up mind) can convince us to do the exact opposite of what we had planned or what we want to do.   As I read,I could see it in my behavior of the weekend.  I made a vow/challenge for December....I am going to try to drop 10 pounds!  So why in the world did I on Friday...November 30’th make my all time favorite cookie...a cookie that I refer to as my personal crack?  I convinced myself that I would make them...eat them on Friday and by December be done!  (Seriously...I KNOW that this cookie recipe makes about 6 dozen!). But, make them I did!   Surprisingly enough on Friday I kept it under control...mostly.  Saturday not so much. I had vowed  a ‘two a night’ limit!  Somehow my addicted mind decided that two a night had nothing to do with eating 8 at lunch! (Excuse me...for lunch...I only ate cookies for lunch!). So then when night time came along I still had my nighttime two to eat...but then my addicted mind proclaimed the day already a failure...so I figured that I may as well eat 4 or 8 more!!!  And I did. What’s worse? I started to repeat the cycle on Sunday!   The whole time I was doing this I wasliterally nodding my head and saying ‘this is exactly how he said an addict thinks’. But it didn’t stop me!!!   I am proud to say that on Sunday night I packaged what was left into packages of four  (I don’t make them huge  maybe 1.5 inch in diameter...oh heck...there is the addict brain speaking and rationalizing again) and  popped them in the freezer.  Yes they are still in the house but they are not as readily accessible!  Thawing then out will make me take the time to really decide if I want them,versus sneaking one cookie when I go into the kitchen (and that one cookie turning into 4 or 10).   

As I laid here this morning unable to sleep this morning, I started to think about the nights I can’t sleep.  Without fail they are followed by either a night or a period of time on which my eating was not exactly healthy.  (Hmm And water consumption has been non existent this weekend also....). Coincidence?   I think not!!!!

So I’m kinda back on track.  It will still be a rough month food wise...lunch out with mom today...birthday celebrations....Christmas...eiiyiiyii!   But I am hot on the trail!  I can do it!!!

Progress

I am feeling pretty empowered right now.  Somehow, probably due to my lack of a backbone and utterly no control; I ended up with a Wendy’s Frosty in my possession on Sunday night.   I actually, miraculously exhibited self control.   

On Sunday night we had spicy Cajun food for dinner and a frosty sounded good.  I got home on and took about two or three bites and was too stuffed to comfortably continue.  So I put it in the freezer.  On Monday night I actually pulled it out of the freezer..but then I realized I was full.  Back into the freezer it went without even a single bite.   Tuesday night came and went and it didn’t even come out of the freezer.  Now Wednesday morning and that frosty is STILL in the freezer.   What a huge victory!!!!

Now let’s make this clear, I’m not saying that I won’t eat that Frosty tonight..or tomorrow...or sometime soon.  I’m saying that the victory is in the fact that I listened to my body and choose to NOT have it when my body was already full.   For me, that is huge!  I typically keep eating and eating and eating because ‘it’s there’. And because ‘it’s so good’.    I think I just won a round in my war against my food addiction!!!

So today was my weigh in day...I was down two pounds from my high of last Wednesday.   Thank heavens!!!!  I feel more empowered with seeing that...so I’m ready to keep going with what I’m doing.

I’ve tracked...and my calories are in line with where they need to be to lose at least one pound a week.

Yes my weekend was over in the caloric budget, but that is my balance.  I’m not worried about the weekends as much because I know with the weekends of allowing myself to indulge a bit that I won’t feel as deprived...and when I do allow myself to have something later down the line it won’t be such a rush of bliss that I will lose control.

And meanwhile in everyday life.   This week at work has been nuts!  It’s been busy....there have computer issues. (My computer only).....ice and snow...and just plain craziness!      Last night I started on the next phase of the purge and pack.  Clothes in the one dresser were on the chopping block.  I have packed things that are a wee bit tight.   You know, the things that get pushed to the back/bottom and you forget about!    I threw away one or two thinngs that had tiny holes or stains.  And I added to the goodwill pile!   I am so tired in the evening after my long day of work and commute that I plan on doing 20-30 minutes each night.   It will mean that my living space will be in a constant state of messiness...but that also means that I won’t be staying up until midnight the week before we move and/or carting stuff that I no longer want or need.

So progress all the way around. Progress toward moving.  Progress on the scales.  Progress in the war against my food addiction.   And best of all...progress in this work week...cuz it’s hump day...halfway to the weekend!!!

So much to say...so little space.

I have so much to say...so much has been on my mind lately...and then more came up over the weekend....oh well...it's my blog, this might just be a little long....although I promise to not ramble too much!!  

So after my post the other day about the Reeces cups I was really thinking about the demon cups.   Ironically enough that very night Jason had a serious talk with me about them...because while he teases me he wanted to be absolutely certain that I found it funny and that it wasn't really actually hurtful.  Yeah he knew the answer because he knows me...but he had to hear me actually say it to rest easier!  (Yeah just another reason to really like this guy!).    I of course laughed and said that I thought the teasing was funny and actually sparked me to be more diligent about not letting them slide back into my life in such a grand scale!!  He laughed and said..."yeah That's what I was almost positive was happening!"    But while I was talking to him I made a comment that 'if it wasn't Reece's cups it would be something else...and I said 'remember when a few months ago I was ordering breaded and fried cheese like it was going out of style??   It was out of control and I had to stop myself?  He laughed and said ...yup he remembered.   You see  I was sliding into the 'addictive behaviors with those too'.  So I realized the other day that it can be anything.      Fried cheese (delicious)...demon cups (super delicious)....Dairy Queen Blizzards.  (Yummy).  Oh yes wasn't it just a few weeks/months ago that I was talking about my blizzard issue???   Macaroni and cheese....peanut butter and jelly sandwiches...French fries, chocolate chips, Oreo cookies.....And so many things!!!    Luckily sometimes it's healthy things....strawberries....green beans...baked zucchini....etc.     So that's the scary thing it can hit with so many things!!!    Oh yes....addictive personality.     

So I've whipped the Reece's cup addictive tendency (for now). I broke the cycle....but I'm sure something else will populate within my life and I will have to break the cycle...time and time and time again...because that is how my mind and addictive tendencies work.  (Unless it's something healthy like strawberries....what breaks that cycle is when I get a few weeks of eh tasting strawberries!)

Running....I won again...but I know my wins may be coming to an end....because the only way I'm winning is scheduling and health issues that keep him from running.    

This weekend we had a good time...even with the rainy weather.   I struggled internally though....I struggled with body image issues.   I felt fat...I felt bloated and I just struggled.   Jason was his normal totally complimentary self...telling me how beautiful and attractive he finds me.  But I struggled to not growl back at him.   I knew it was me...i know that it is my battle and that his words totally match his actions...so it really was my problem.   Maybe it was because The monthly ick hit this weekend with its normal water retention causing bloating feeling and a jump on the scales.  Who knows!!  Don't know why it was this way this weekend but that just the way the cookie crumbles I guess!   

I'm a stress eater...and I had some stress last week...some bad news in my life...and I lost control of my eating and calories. I'm back on track now I think...and just trying to fight the stress without food!   Prayers for my father please though!!!

So my weekend?   It was rainy and supposed to rain and drizzle all weekend...which it did.  So we went to Fredericksburg, VA...lots of indoor options and options that were not "totally" outside!     We got lucky and it only misted when we had to be outside!!!

Chatham Manor

Fredericksburg Battlefield (and visitor center/museum)

Willis Hill Cemetery

Fredericksburg National Cemetery

And the stormy choppy Potomac Ricer

Luckily my cat when I got home sacrificed and helped me eat my dinner to help me save on calories!

Silly Ethel!   (Course I blame this on 'grandma and grandpa' as she never got people food before we came to live with my parents!!!)

A fist fight with my friend

Ohhhhh, my blessed friend!  I love you.  Your creamy cheesy goodness just makes my mouth water!   Ohhh heavens, I do love you!   Ohhh macaroni and cheese you just one plate of ooey gooey pile of goodness!  I saw you and I wanted you so bad.  I stared at you.  I opened my mouth to order  my food and..........

Tuesday was another day of me planning my calories.  It was another day of NOT eating my exercise calories. It was another day...day two to be exact, of eating on a budget.  Knowing that when my very exact amount of calories is gone that the eating must stop.  It's planning and strict willpower.  It has always worked for me and I'm going back to what works.

I planned out my Tuesday early in the morning.  I actually planned it and included not one but TWO eat outs!  Why yes, I did.  I planned for a trip to Waffle House for breakfast (don't be a hater, we have a good Waffle House near where we live....there is a bad one too.....but oh well, we don't go there!).  I also planned to pick up subs on the way home.   Here is my plan for the day.

Breakfast:

     Waffle

      Butter

      Sugar Free Syrup

Mid morning snack: (really ends up being around 11AM)

     Strawberries

Lunch:

    Salad (no croutons, no cranberries, simply veggies and one piece of fit and active string cheese cut up)

    Vinnegrette Dressing

     Homemade fruit salad (so no added sugar or bad stuff)

Afternoon Snack (around 4 or 5)

    Small banana

Dinner

    1/2 Turkey Sub

     fruit salad

I sat down at Waffle house.  Todd ordered a big breakfast that includes a waffle.  I 'inherited' the waffle.  So when my turn to order came, I simply asked for sugar free syrup, knowing that if the sugary stuff came to the table there was a good chance I'd just cave and eat it.  I typically order hashbrowns as a side.  I kept my mouth shut, even though Todd had asked if I wanted the hashbrowns from his meal.  "No thank you, I don't have the calories."    When his meal came he offered me a piece of cinnamon raisin toast.  I answered, "No thank you, I don't have the calories.   I stood firm.  And I was completely satisfied with my food an was not at all hungry when I left.

Lunch and my snacks were easy due to the fact that I packed my food to take to work.  I ate what I had planned and there wasn't too much to tempt me.  

Dinner rolled around.  It was after zumba.  Yes, I know, eating at 8 or thereafter isn't the most awesome choice but eating before zumba doesn't work and well....it's a trade off and works for the schedule that Todd and I keep.  So anyway, after zumba I stopped into the convenience store where I was planning to pick up subs.  I waited in line and that is when I saw it.  I saw that creamy cheesy gooey goodness that we call macaroni and cheese.  Ohhh how I wanted to order a small....no maybe a medium or large cup of macaroni and cheese to go with my meal.  Ohhhh I love macaroni and cheese.  I wanted to so bad.  Ohhh macaroni and cheese come to mamma.  I looked and I'm going to admit that I was tempted to order my old faithful friend.  But then I said to myself "no, you don't have the calories."   I ordered my planned for sub and resolutely turned my back on that friend.  

I was satisfied with my food, even without the macaroni and cheese.   I know that I will someday soon have macaroni and cheese.  It's not a taboo food. NOTHING is taboo.  But when I eat it, it will be MY homemade mac-n-cheese.  It will be planned for, at least I hope!     But whatever the future holds......Tuesday night I was in a fist fight with with some macaroni and cheese and I won!

I've got the ball rolling........I just need to KEEP the ball rolling and not let anything derail me!!!!   

"Do Life"

A few months back I saw a blub about a book.  I instantly put the book on my ‘to read list’.  I saw the book about a month or two  ago at the book store and vowed to buy it for my kindle, it didn’t happen.  A few weeks ago I was in a book store with Todd and I saw the book.  I bite the bullet and did it.    The book?   “Do Life”  By Ben Davis.  

The premise of the book is a short synopsis of the authors journey for being morbidly obese to living a happy, healthy lifestyle.    The author was at his personal rock bottom and found the fortitude to pick up the pieces.  He has since run and participated in everything from 5k’s to ironman competitions.  In the process of losing the weight and becoming a runner/athlete he found happiness.  His book is primarily about happiness…finding what makes you happy and living life.

There were so many good points in this book.   I’m only going to pull out 4 or 5 quotes for the purposes of this blog.

Pg 17 “I definitely have an addictive personality.  “If I enjoy something, I take it to the maximum.”  This hit me immediately.  I have already figured out that I have a food addiction.  I've written blog post after blog post after blog post about addictions.   That was nothing new.  However, I never really put it into the realm of the addictive personality.  I am that way.  I have just said that I find something fun and I immerse myself in that activity.  Quilting, cross stitch, running, zumba, you name it……   These immersions take on the traits of addictions.   So the trick is just making sure that my ‘addictions’ are healthy in nature without losing balance in my life.

Pg 32 “To improve the areas of life that you are unsatisfied with, you must replace the bad with something positive that can fill the void.”    This goes hand in hand with the addiction thing.   The bad can’t just be taken away.  They have to be replaced with something else. 

Pg 36  “As we talked, I realized that the difference between the way I felt on that morning and at the beginning of every other failed attempt to lose the weight was that this time it wasn’t just about the numbers on the scale or the size of my clothes.  Those things were symptoms of the problem, not the real problem itself.  I knew that.  I finally admitted that.  This time it was about finding happiness.”

Oh yes, considering my epiphany from a while back  where I decided that strict rules don't work for me, this section was utterly perfect for me!.  Yes yes yes.  Happiness and Health is important!   Saying I tracked my food for 5 gazillion days straight doesn’t mean diddly squat!   Honestly, weighing in at 105 pounds means nothing if I’m not healthy!  (not that I will EVER be 105 pounds….just a number I arbitrarily  picked out of the sky)  Numbers mean nothing!   The progression and happiness that comes from my accomplishments is what matters.  (That said, I will still be weighing myself regularly…and the author didn’t ignore the scales either)

Pg 87  “The reason you’ve found yourself on this plateau is that your habits have taken a slide to mediocrity because you’re exhausted or lacking enthusiasm”    

Ohhh yeah, Plateaus…….I’ve  hit ‘plateaus’ but I’ve always admitted that it’s simply me slipping in some way.

 There was so much more in this book.  Nothing earth shattering but just fun.  He talks about losing motivation. He talks about excuses (and the day he couldn’t go running because the terrorist level was too high…ha ha ha).   He doesn’t recommend nor does he seem to live a life of restriction….he talks about post race visit to Chili’s.  He gives plans for training for various races. It’s written with humor and compassion and is said the way it is.  He is living life….or as he says.  “DOING LIFE!”  

HI HO HI HO It's off to work I go

My eating has been totally spot on the last few days.  I feel so proud of myself.  It really is crazy that the 'high' I get from that sense of pride.  It is a feeling that is so much more long lasting and pleasant than the high I get from eating.  The high I get from eating is a fleeting feeling...this empowering prideful high totally feels me with a sense of happiness.  It just feels good to be in control!   And no, being spot on does not mean that I am not eating or just eating one thing.  I'm eating nice quantities of food.  It's amazing that when you are choosing healthy options that you can eat a decent quantity.   It reminds me of the book that used to be a big hit..'this or that'. You see, I can have one serving of chips for 140 calories (give or take) OR I could have a serving of applesauce, grapes AND a string cheese for roughly the same amount of calories.  I'm not saying that I won't have the chips...some days are just 'chip days'....but if I'm choosing the correct foods, I don't have to eat 'less'.

And just to prove that I'm still eating normally and not depriving myself...YET still staying in the correct zone of calories..... why yes, that is the biggest loser on the tv,...and why yes, I have cats that LOVE ice cream!  

Ethel (right) and Desi (left) both eyeball my ice cream

On Monday the bank was closed so I was off work. Hip hip hurray!   Todd didn't have to work until 2, so we headed up to town,  What did we do?  Why we went to the gym!  I spent a half hour on the treadmill running.  I then moved to the upright bike for thirty minutes on a hill climber program.  I was sweaty but feeling great when I was done. 

From the gym, Todd and I headed out to lunch.  We went to a small eatery called Cafe Del Sol.  I got a turkey wrap (no cheese, the calorie buster is the flavored mayo on the sandwich....but OHHH so worth it) and the field greens with a balsamic vinaigrette instead of their homemade chips.    Not bad in terms of calories.   I was happy with my choices.  I felt satisfied with the food I ate and proud of myself.  

After a quick trip to the store, we went home and Todd almost immediately left for work.  I sat down and did some work on my computer, worked on some laundry and did some things around the house.  I contemplated working on some scrapbook stuff, but when I looked at the clock I realized that by the time I got it set up I would be heading out the door.  

Where would I be heading???  Well Monday night is my normal zumba night.  Since I was home and feeling so awesome, I decided that if one hour of zumba sounded fun than two hours would send me into total rapture.  Yes, I headed out to a double session of zumba. I have fun at zumba, I wasn't thinking about the exercise...I was just thinking about the fun and camaraderie that the extra hour would give me!!!

The first hour of class I was on fire!!  I had a pep in my step and I was pushing myself hard.   I was feeling GOOD.  The fifteen minute break came and I stopped moving to talk to my friends and get some extra water before starting round two.  (Technically round three of exercise for the day.)  I don't know if  if was just that my legs were about shot by then or if it was that minimal 15 minute break but the second hour was ROUGH.  The natural pep had totally disappeared from my step.  I had to mentally tell myself to jump and move.  I had to make a concerted effort to push myself.  Even then, I allowed my body to work at the level that I was comfortable with, afterall, I was working on three plus hours of exercise for the day.  I was just having fun.    

I came home from zumba, had dinner and took a shower.   Some nights after zumba (or a really hard workout) I get home and I am totally freezing.....shivering cold.  I stayed in the living room for a few minutes but then decided that I was just COLD.  I decided to go to bed and read!   I curled up under my blankets, petting my cats (they took turns visiting me) and read for a bit.  By the time Todd got home, I was sound asleep!

Today was the big day of the projected snow.  I woke up and it was just starting to fall. I am supposed to be at work until 10.  I know for a fact that we are open for business, so I'll be heading out the door for work in a bit.  I'm only hoping that they realize that the snow is coming down steadily and that it is only going to get worse and thusly send us home at a decent hour.  Like noon....(the news is saying get out in the morning if you MUST go out, but be home by noon). .....however, I have my serious doubts as to getting released early today....

Addiction

I have known for some time that I have an addiction to food.  I eat for that blissful high. You know it, that moment when you take that first bite of something utterly delicious...when you close your eyes and allow the flavors of the food wash over you.  Orgasmic bliss brought on by food.  (Ok, maybe not orgasmic bliss...but pretty darn close!)   I've known this for a while.  This is not shocking.   What IS shocking is the revelation I had the other day while in Hagerstown running errands.

As I was running into a few stores (I was looking for bags for a Bissell vacuum cleaner that Todd has at the studio..who know it would be that hard to find!) I realized that I hadn't been in some of these stores for ages.  It was like visiting old friends.  That is when I realized.  I had at one point traded my love of food and tried to substitute it with shopping and filling my 'void' with purchases. (lots of them crafts....LOL)

I started to try to lose weight shortly after I got married.  I started because I wanted to have a baby and I didn't want to have a baby at 300 plus pounds.   (Not that it made a hill of beans difference....no baby for me).   I never had financial problems before I got married.  After I got married they fell down upon me.  My husband doesn't handle money well at all (he spends like it's growing on trees) and I tried to bury my food addiction with purchases...this was a bad combination for us.   Circumstances has caused me to quit the mindless spending cold turkey.  Some days I miss it, but it's not bad. 

So that brings me to current day.  I've been filling my 'empty void' with exercise.  I've actually laughed about it and made the comment that "at least it's something healthy"  and that is true.  But I need balance in my life.  Do I plan on curbing my exercise at this point?  NO, it makes me feel good.  I like seeing what my body is capable of.  I like conquering the unimaginable (for a former 300 plus girl a lot of the stuff that I'm doing was previously unimaginable) .  I like the way it clears my mind and gives me energy.  I'm not curbing that.  

What I am committing myself to is to find balance in my life.

  Last fall I became appalled at the unfinished (and un-started) projects I had laying around (this harkens back to the indiscriminate buying days).  I decided that projects needed to be finished.  I had to finish projects.  I had to finish stuff I started.  Leaving things half finished was no longer and option.  This brought me to my weight loss journey..  My weight loss was a half finished project. 

So back to the balance.  Balance means that I have to find the time to work on these craft projects.  It means that I have to find time to get out with my camera and do the style of photography that makes me happy.   It means that I have to find balance.

Today I should have ridden my bike.  My heel is still bothering me, so running is not an option.  I woke up early and lounged all morning reading a book.  I then did  few things around the house and started working on two craft projects (a baby quilt for a friend and then since the machine was out, another project that I'm close to completing).  I feel slightly guilty for not exercising.  But I think I needed the time working on these projects to come to terms with the balance.  It's not all or nothing.  I can do multiple things in my life and not drown myself in one thing. 

I WILL be exercising tomorrow.   The foot thing has thrown me for a loop, but I'm not going to let one little speed bump keep me from my goals. (although admittedly food has been a horrible temptation for me today!)

I had assistance on my projects today!  

Analyze ME!

Last night was one of those nights where I had a vivid dream, one that I remembered clear as a bell when I woke up.

I walked into the gym.  (not my own gym weirdly enough) There were people everywhere.  I looked around for an empty machine to hop upon.  I had originally planned to hop on an elliptical, but it really didn't matter what I used.  I would be just as content on the treadmill or a bike, I could adjust.   I weaved through the people toward an empty elliptical (which turned out to be a stair climber instead).  I hopped on and started to workout.  I listened to the chatter around me.  They were holding a fat-to-fit boot camp (Is there even such a thing?)  and lucky me, I was working out right in the midst of the first workout.  I tried to focus on myself but I couldn't help but see the overweight gal standing next to me.  (I won't bore you with the details of what she was wearing, the color of her hair) She was on a treadmill and she was cranking away.  Her face was beat red.  She was pushing herself to the utter max.  I started to worry about her.  Seriously, she looked like she was going to have a heart attack at any minute.  I glanced at the fit to fat instructor that was supposed to be watching the group and he was preoccupied.  I looked back at this woman and she wasn't there anymore.   She was kneeling and bent over on the floor at the end of the treadmill crying and sobbing.  When I hopped off and went to her, she sobbed out her frustration.  She was frustrated with exercise already after only a minute or two.  "I can't even make it a minute, there is no way"    I talked to her for a few minutes (the instructor never showed up through that) and figured out that she was frustrated because she wanted to do it and do it 'right' and she couldn't.  She told me that she wanted to do what everyone else was doing so that she didn't stick out like a sore thumb. She wanted to follow the fit-to-fat instructions.    After talking to her and listening and remembering what I saw while she was on the treadmill I knew that she indeed COULD exercise, that it was just a simple problem of she wanted to be fit right at that moment.  She looked at me and said "you are doing it".   I laughed and said, I'm a big girl, still but I've worked my butt off to get to the level of physical fitness that I am at and I still have a long way to go.  I instructed her to get on the treadmill  She was hesitant but did it.  And then I started the treadmill so that she was walking at a snails pace.  She did it and she immediately pushed the buttons until the treadmill was flying by at warp speed, in the dream it was set at speed 43  (ha ha ha,, as if a treadmill cold go that fast).  Yes, she flew backwards (ok ok ok , that didn't happen but I wish it would have..that would have added some comic relief to my dream).  I pushed her back to a slower pace.  She kept looking around and wanting to go faster (back to that speed of 43)   I had to work to keep her going at a slow pace.  She had to see that she could do it.  We slowly added more speed until she was at a comfortable pace.   I was in the middle of reminding her that we all have to start somewhere and we can't push ourselves too fast.  At this point the very hot looking instructor arrived and without butting in just started to listen in.  The dream did go on..but well, that involves the instructor and I and some private.......  (Dang, once again that didn't happen......DRAT!   Or did it?????  ha ha ha)

I woke up from my dream and I remembered how far I've come.  Not just in my running, but in my whole physical fitness.  I've had some major ups and downs in my physical fitness in the last few years.  But I have come SOOOO far.  I have been the girl on the treadmill trying to do what they say is the 'thing' to do, the 'speed' to go, the 'incline' to achieve.  Years back I had to come to the realization that exercise is immensely personal.  My abilities lie within myself, not within what someone else tells me I SHOULD be doing.  It is not contingent upon what the person on the next treadmill is doing.  It is contingent upon what my body says it can do (notice I didn't say what my brain says I can do...that's a totally different story).  Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and start small.   Slow as a snail on the treadmill was a victory for the gal in the dream.   Slow as a slug running (but improving each time I run) is a victory for ME!  

So any other deep thoughts about my dream?  Should I take anything else from this dream????   Analyze me!

Today is my day of rest.  Goodness, I love the day of rest....ok, my BODY loves my day of rest.  But my mind is just itching to get out there and do something!  What a quandary!  (and heck, where did the old MaryFran go!)   My eating is planned for today.  I made a nice breakfast for Todd and I and I have packed my lunch and snacks.  Yes, I am still trying to adhere to this new 'habit' of eating a snack between my meals.  One snack for today is carrots and dip and the other snack is grapes.    I'm doing pretty good with the whole thing though.  The first couple days of the snacks, I would pack my snacks but forget to eat them, but I've got that regulated now...I think.  :-)    So food for today is ready to roll and I'm in charge!  I like the feeling of being in charge.  A food addiction leaves one feeling so out of control...and this in charge feeling feels dang good!!!!

Warm comforting Arms of a friend

Getting myself out of bed earlier than normal in order to get my daily dose of Jillian 30 Day shred.   I've made my commitment to this now.  And I WILL complete it.  But let me tell you it was a struggle to do it.  But I did it.   The first round of sets is the killer for me right now.   My arms shake and burn on the first strength move and the cardio segment kills me for some reason.  It does get easier for me from then on out, so that is my consolation and what I kept telling myself this morning.  Anyway...two days down...28 to go.  So here is my question that I will be looking up today.  I've made the commitment to do this for 30 days straight. But shouldn't I be taking a rest day here and there?  However the 'program' is designed otherwise.   Hmmmm  Research time when I get to work (if it's not blocked!)

Last night I left work and my emotions just came crashing down upon me.  I cried the whole way home (ok, don't be too worried, I only live 2.5 miles from work). I skipped my run, I just felt wiped out achy and just not good.  So I walked into my house.   I dumped my bags and before I did anything I opened up the bag of baked barbecue chips (my husband's ..chips are not my downfall so it's not a problem that they are there).  I had a few chips...but since they are not my Achilles heel, I stopped.  However, I looked over at the two pieces of cake that I had cut and individully wrapped.  They haven't been tempting to me at all previously. And I had actually planned to have a small piece of cake that night...and I have saved the calories and eaten properly to account for it.  HOWEVER, emotions were coursing through me.  I ripped open the piece of cake.  It tasted so good.  It was like the arms of a friend were wrapped around me as I ate the cake.  You know where this is going I'm sure.  Yes, I ate the second piece of cake too.   (luckily I had cut very small pieces otherwise the damage would have been much worse).   Those warm arms of a friend that wrapped around me while I ate the cake????   I finished the cake and threw away the tin foil that it was wrapped in and then those warms arms deserted me.  The emotions were still there and the inhalation of the cake only made them worse.  I laid my head on the table and sobbed.    I knew deep inside that food wouldn't take away the pain in my heart.  Yet I still caved.   Once an addict always an addict.  It just reminds me that I have an addiction and that I will ALWAYS have to be on guard for this.  

You want to know what I did after I ate the extra cake?  First of all my belly was flipping from all that extra sugar (yeah, shocked me too) so I didn't eat anything.  A little later I had some strawberries  and a little bit later than that I had a string cheese.  So I was able to keep on track even with a splurge.   I'm on track today.  No feeding my emotions........not gonna happen today.  The emotions may well up but feeding those emotions is NOT an option today!

Fact, Fiction and myth

Even in the midst of this crisis that has me reeling in my personal life, I'm walking with my head up.  I'm walking with more 'swagger'.  I have lost 4.4 pounds since the new year.  That is fabulous!  But those four pounds have not changed me.  What has changed me is that for the first time in a while, I actually have taken control of myself.  I am not letting my addiction beat me down and take over all decisions in my life. I am taking control of myself.  And it feels GREAT!   My confidence in myself is blossoming!  It's amazing how being in control makes me feel better about myself.   The fact of the matter? The more I can manage this, the more the confidence blossoms.  It's like a  snowballs, it keeps growing!

Todd and I have been saddened.   A long time client at our business has passed away.  He died from obese related illnesses.  The diseases and illnesses started out simply and kept compounding one upon another.  He actually tried to get gastric bypass at one point but his obesity had taken it's toll on his body and he needed to lose a significant amount of weight to try to erase enough of those effects to make him a candidate.  About two years ago, our client was told by his doctors that he HAD to lose weight.  His weight was killing him.  There was nothing they could do to prolong his life.  It was HIS responsibility...no one else could save him.  His close friends held an intervention.  But sadly, he had given up and nothing could change his mind.  He passed late last week  from obesity driven diseases and illnesses that ravished his body. He was close to my age, in his early 40's.      It's sad.  It's also a reminder to me that my excess weight and my bad habits really CAN kill me.  It is not a myth....weight DOES kill!

Yesterday my food was spot on and my hour of zumba was a killer!   I noticed a change in myself during zumba.  I've been going to my class religiously for years.  Last night I was halfway through and I realized that in the last year or so I've only been going through the motions at my classes.  Last night, automatically my body kicked into overdrive and I put my all into it.  I don't want to hex myself, but I think I really have turned the corner and I'm ready to DO IT!

Emotionally, I'm holding it together.   Health wise, I'm rockin' it!  Eating is spot on (even my macaroni on Monday night was not a disaster. It was unplanned and definitely not necessary but in the grand scheme of things it only threw me 100 calories over my low daily goal...1411 calories for the day is still fabulous!).  Exercise is rolling.  I'm focused.  I'm motivated.  Like I said, I'm rockin' it!

It rears it's ugly head.

The weekend went well.  I managed to avoid all the pitfalls and temptations that a weekend normally holds.  I was hanging out with my family on Sunday and they went out to eat at fast food (Sunday is usually kids choice).  This struck fear for a moment in my heart.  First because I don't eat at fast food on my own and secondly because "holy cow, what am I going to eat!"   Not to be deterred, I calmly smiled at my family and said "sure".    I decided that I COULD and WOULD do it.  I went and with kids clamoring for my attention I studied the menu board.  I chose a grilled chicken wrap and a small french fry.  I noticed my father (my parents were also there with my brothers family) didn't get french fries....so I dropped half of my fries beside his sandwich and thus ate 1/2 of a small fry and a grilled chicken wrap.  I HAD left a huge chunk of calories for lunch because of the unknown factor so when I finally had a chance to get my phone back (my niece and nephews usually commandeer it to play games) I put in my food intake and low and behold...I did GREAT!   I even had enough calories to have 1/2 cup of ice cream after dinner that evening!   You can 'have your cake and eat it too'...it just takes planning and some minor adjustments.  I didn't order the CRISPY chicken wrap, I didn't order crazy.  I split down my fries.  I made minor adjustments and enjoyed the time with my family.

On Saturday night I made a casserole and we sat down to eat.  I knew what I was doing.  I had it all planned out.  My food was on my plate.  My food was all within my budget and I was OK caloric wise.    I ate what was planned and when I was done I felt a bit stuffed.  Not sick, but seriously full.  It was not a new feeling.  I had felt like that through most of the Christmas week.   I have felt like that a gazillion times.  It is a familiar feeling.  But seriously, after one week of eating in healthy amounts and healthier foods I was shocked at how icky I felt.  Seriously icky!  I do not like that feeling!!!! 

So why did I keep eating.  I had a vague notion inside me while I was eating.  A vague notion that said "maybe you should stop eating".   So why did I ignore that?  I ignored it because the food tasted SOOO good and I wanted to keep eating because it tasted good and filled me with that warm feeling of happiness.  Ohhh hell, that means my addiction beat me momentarily!

I still coun my weekend as a success.  I stayed within my calories.  I did great.  I was watching The Biggest Loser last night and I sooo wanted to go to the kitchen to get something to eat.  I had already eaten my snack of ice cream, and had no spare calories in my budget, at least calories that I wanted to eat.  I did not want to eat any of my earned exercise calories so I kept my butt firmly glued to the couch and ignored the craving and continued to sip on my water.  I navigated fast food.  I navigated a whole weekend and stayed within my caloric count.  VICTORY!   

Out with the Old..........

Yes, Happy New Year!   I am ready to tackle this year.  I am determined to make this year one of true happiness.  The kind of happiness that bubbles up from within ones soul.  I want that happiness.  And how I'm going to work on it this year?  First and foremost, I'm going to tackle my addiction.  I have an addiction to food. I have written about it so many times in the past that I can't even think straight.  I accept the addiction.  I know I will struggle with it forever and that the trick is to learn how to manage my life around this addiction.   My saving grace in my personal battle with this addiction is that I have figured out that I can get 'high' off of the pride that flows through me when I beat down the addiction.  True, the high I get from that burst of flavor on my tongue is a totally different feeling, I can STILL conquer this!

The new year rolled in and I decided to take  the saying "out with the old and in with the new" in a very bold way.   I had been a light  blonde for the last 6-8 months.. 

 But no more of that.....I got my hair cut a few weeks back and yesterday I went RED!  Out with the old, in with the new!   Now I'm just waiting for my husband to notice.  Yup, he wasn't home when i did it.....and didn't say a word when he got home....nor has he this morning!

I've got my food planned out for today and we are heading out in a few minutes to go for a nice walk on the canal and then to go watch the idiots people doing the polar plunge in the Potomac River.  That's always good for a laugh!  

Let the walking begin!!!!  I have to get myself out of Yorktown (which is where the virtual walk starts!!!!)

addictions

I'm an addict.  My addiction is food. I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad.  I eat to celebrate and I eat to forget.   Last week I totally succumbed to the addiction....I tried to feed my sadness away.  I tried to eat so much that I would forget the pain I feel inside me.  I finally came up for air and then I hated myself even more for the abuse that I did.  In reality, I didn't eat 4 cakes, 6 dozen cookies, or other crazy things.  I just made poor choices.  I'm embarrassed to say how many times I ate at Burger King.  yes, Burger King...and I don't eat fast food.  Poor choices.....but still feeding an addiction that burns brightly in me.

How will I overcome.  How will I beat this sadness that is threatening to take over me, lock stock and barrel?   I don't know.   But I do know that food is NOT the answer.  Now if I can just convince myself of that each time I go to the kitchen!

isn't the world pretty????

Success breeds upon itself.  I am feeling more alive and ready to face the world.  I know that I don't have my weight 'conquered'.   I will NEVER conquer this weight thing.  It's not possible.  I have a food addiction.  I will struggle with that demon until the day I die.  I've hopefully learned my lesson about how easy it is to fall.   And yes, I fell hard.  But I'm on my way back.  I'm losing again.  I'm eating right.  I'm feeling more alive each day that I retain control of my weight.  I am down about 8 pounds ....small beans in what i have left to lose (but still if I go from my highest weight ever I'm 72 pounds lower than that...so that's a good thing!)  But with each day I feel more alive and more ready to face the world.  I have more energy and sitting on the couch with my laptop in front of me no longer seems appealing.  I want to be doing something.

So maybe that's my next step...what in the world can I get into in the evenings.....break the habit of sitting on my butt doing nothing.  :-D

Zumba tonight.  I'm going to an early class (since this is my afternoon off) so that I can be home in time for the face off for game 7 of the Caps versus Bruins game tonight.  I'm also trying to talk my husband into going out for a bike ride this afternoon....it's a little chilly...but not 'cold' so I may be able to get him to go.  :-)   In lieu of a bike ride, maybe a walk.  Something outside...something active.  I have a plan for this evening too....a plan that would keep us up off the couch and moving around too!  (moving some desks and furniture in the house....normally I would do it on my own...but I'm not touching his computer desk without him!)

I"m contemplating restarting my photo a day project.  It really keeps me looking at the world in a really cool way.  Always looking for the beauty around me.  And as I retake my life.....I'm seeing more prettiness.

Empowerment

I started out slowly.  Right around Christmas I started thinking about it.  I started to try to make more health conscious choices....I moved slowly.  A few days before New Years and I was rolling.  So here I sit. It's the sixth day of the new year and I feel strong.  I feel alive.  I feel empowered.

Why?  Yes, I struggled again last night with the overwhelming loneliness and the utter sadness that just ripped through my soul.  But yet I feel empowered.  Isn't that a weird dichotomy?   I however DO understand where this feeling of empowerment comes from.

I've talked many times about how I KNOW that I have a food addiction.  I struggle with this need to feel that 'high' from the most awesome tasting food.  I want that. It's a really hard addiction to conquer because I can't just remove myself from a situation in which I may be confronted with my vice (IE stay out of bars if I"m an alcoholic)  No, I'm forced to confront my addiction three times a day.  Each and every meal I have to stare my addiction in the face and say "SCRAM....I'm not falling prey to your tempting pull". And sadly enough for the last year I have allowed my food addiction to win quite a few times. 

However, after only 6 or 8 days into being back on track and actually having control, I feel empowered.  I have been battling this addiction and in the last 6-8 days I've won!  I know that I will battle it for the rest of my life....but I'm in awe of the feeling of empowerment that flows through me just knowing that I've stared it in the face and I've won just for these few days.  Yes, it IS a huge victory.  But being in control is the best feeling in the world!   Do I still want to eat bad stuff and lots of it?  Yes...I'm an addict.  But Being in control tastes better than the high that food gives...and you know what?  It lasts longer too!

Control.....Control.....Control.......this is the one area of my life that I CAN control.  And you know what? It feels damn good!

Went out for a walk again this morning.  1 hour down!  :-)  It was cold again, but we just bundled up!

Mile Marker on the C&O Canal on the segment that we walked today.



Bundling up.  Yes, I wear a hat with flaps....it's SOOOOO toasty warm!

Silence is....

Silence is fattening in my case.  Historically, when I disappear, I am doing poorly in this weight loss game.  This last time was no different.  I feel off the wagon.  It didn't help that we had vacation stuck smack dab in the middle of my silent period.  Yes, vacations can be healthy and have weight loss results.  BUT mine didn't.  OK OK OK, I'd say about 10 pounds (home scales)....well about 10 pounds on the weight watchers scales tooo....even though our scales are WAY off in what they weigh us at.  (hell, I just put new batteries in the home scales the other week and this morning they won't even turn on....I think new scales will be entering our house tomorrow).   I'm not happy about it AT ALL.  But I know what needs to be done.  Track my food.  Just say no when the urge to snack and eat uncontrollably overtakes me.  Will power baby.  That's what it takes.

The problem?  This is a mental game.  Oh yeah, it's 100% mental.  The choices to eat or not eat something is made in my head. The war within me is fought all in a mental fashion.  I can win the mental game. It takes focus.  I've won it before, that's not a problem.  The problem......I've got so much other.....well...crapola in my mind that I can't focus on the weight.  My mind is whirling in a fever that is unprecedented for me.  Honestly, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into oblivion.  It's not over any one thing in my life.  I can't say that I want to cry because of such and such.  It's just EVERYTHING all combined into one hellish feeling.   I know that my weight is part of it.  Yes, very much so.  But the food addiction overtakes.  Yesterday I fed my addiction.  And I'm going to put it out there...

Woke up, cried for about an hour....ate an English muffin while I packed my lunch for work (all while crying).  I made good choices for my lunch.  I got to work at 10.  By 10:30 I was struggling to hold it together emotionally and my thoughts turned to food (naturally, food is my friend).  My lunch seemed BORING and lackluster....so I called in a food order and went out and picked up a turkey and cheese sub.  I ate that with the soda that I bought.  And then I proceeded to eat the food in my lunch box ANYWAY (throughout the course of the afternoon).....applesauce, cherries, corn, jello cup, 100 calorie pack.  And that still wasn't enough, so I dug into the cabinet at work and ate some chips AND two pieces of leftover snack/granola caramel bar thingies.  I went to zumba and that did make me feel a bit better......came home and had not one, not two but THREE turkey hot dogs and some baked beans.   And after dinner.....why I had a root beer float! (hey, it was fat free ice cream...but not a diet root beer!)   I fed my addiction yesterday.  I tried to eat to down my sorrows.   Does it make me feel better?  It is a fleeting feeling of peace....but everything crashes right back upon me.  I know this.  Yet I continue to eat. 

I'm not going to promise greatness today with my eating.  I'm a food addict.  I'm for some reason depressed beyond reason.  that's not a good combination.  But I'm going to try.  I'm NOT ordering lunch, I have my lunch in my lunchbox.  I did have a decent breakfast (waffles and bacon) and I dont' know what I'll have for dinner.  My plan though is to know EXACTLY what I'm eating for dinner before I leave for work.  I don't want anything THINKING about dinner to occur when I'm in the kitchen.  I am not promising that it's going to be under my points target for the day.  But I am going to try to hold it together and not eat indiscriminately today.  THAT is my goal.

I can't fix my world....but maybe, just maybe if I fix my eating and my weight I'll feel a wee bit better about everything else.

Hello, my name is Maryfran and I am addicted to food. I like the texture of food. I like the taste of food. I like the initial and immediate rush of pleasure that I receive when I taste something delectible. I like it so much that I continue to eat more of that same item in an attempt to recreate that burst of pleasure. That burst of pleasure can soothe all worries, it can ease all emotional pain and it can elevate and heighten a positive mood. However it is fleeting. Intrisically I know that. Yet I continue to find myself in this pattern of initial pleasure and then a spiral downward in a quest to hold onto the short lived feeling. But once that initial rush has been received it's over. It is not possible to eat more of that food to get that feeling back. Yet over and over again I try.

I'm not downplaying any other addiction, because I would NEVER want to have to deal with the addiction to alcohol or any of the various drugs out there. But I can't help but feel that in terms of beating an addiction that food has to top the list. Why? Becuase if you are an alcoholic, for the most part you can remove yourself from temptation. The same with drugs. (generally speaking for those two addictions). But how in the world do you remove yourself from food. I need food to sustain my life. I am constantly forced to confront this addiction. It's a matter of survival...I need to eat to live. Yet how ironic that my habits of eating (the addiction that I suffer with)were causing me to die. I can't get away from eating. I need to do it. Which means that every day I will have to confront my personal demon of food addiction. It just doesn't seem fair.