Word of the......

 I have always loved the concept of the word of the week.  It seems like such an amazing idea.  Except that I always forget it.  I always get bogged down.  I sometimes think that the word isn't appropriate later in the year.  It just doesn't seem to work for me! Maybe my word should be committed since I obviously have issues with long term commitment!

Except that a few years ago the word WAS committed!  I was so ready and committed!  I even went as far as printing up pictures for the wall.  I was going to do it!  And I failed with the commitment on the year of being committed!

This year I fell into the trap of thinking that it was a great idea again!  I wanted to do it!  I wanted to jump on the bandwagon.  But I knew that it wasn't for me!  So I didn't!  Instead I decided to have a word of the week!  I wasn't sure how well it would work but I was determined to try it!

When I had been briefly contemplating the word of the year I had thought about the word "control"  because it just seemed apropos for me because I so need to get control!  Therefore, when I made my plan to have a word of the week it was easy to decide my word for the first week!  Control!  I put it at the top of my day planner.  

I am in my day planner each day as I am keeping track of my food intake in my dayplanner.  (Yes I use MyFitnessPal, but I put it in my day planner and add things about how I felt afterward...how fast I ate, etc to try to get a handle on the GERD)    I also track my bike miles, exercise, steps, vitamin and pill intake amongst other random things. So it is the perfect place for me to see the word of the week multiple times of the week!   

On week two I started my new week's page in my day planner and I knew that control was still the word that I needed to focus on!  So I colored it in on that week also.

I was perfectly fine with keeping control as my word for another week. Seriously, if my word remained as control for the whole year, I would have no issue!   But when the third week of the year began and I flipped to the new pages on my day planner control was not at all what I was thinking.  The only word that was in my head was fortitude!  Well that was easy.....fortitude was the word of the week!   I got to coloring!  (I apologize for the blurry pic)

Today I started week 4 of the year and as I do every Monday, I turned the page to a new week in my planner ready to start the new week.  I sat there for a few seconds.  Fortitude no longer felt even remotely like it was the correct word for the week.  Control?  Well that didn't feel wrong but it just didn't feel like it fit.  The only thing that kept coming up in my mind was the phrase. "Just Do It"  But it's a word of the week, not a phrase right?   Could I put in Nike as my word because of their slogan. (Is that even still their slogan?)   But no, using Nike as my word of the week was nonsense!   But my mind kept saying "do it...do it....do it!"  So my word of the week is a phrase!

This word of the week thing is working for me.  It is allowing me to focus on what I need at that exact moment!   Yes, I think control may end up being  the 'theme' of the year.  But my word for each week will be whatever fits for my life, emotions and physical being that exact week!

Thank you to everyone that thought about me, prayed for me and asked about my colonoscopy that I wrote about the other day.   Jason and I made it safely to my appointment.  The back roads were horrid, but the interstate was much better (and got better the further north we went as they had less snow....and the drive home was much better as the storm had moved onward).

The test went well.  The doctor said I was as cleaned out as they came...perfect prep.   I also received a good report. An excellent report actually!  What a relief!  I do have a pocket of diverticulosis.  The doctor was not concerned about it at all and said it will most likely never cause me any issues and if it did we would worry about it then.  He did recommend a high fiber diet to keep my colon in good shape and to help keep me from getting diverticulitis. Which goes in line with how I SHOULD and TRY to eat anyway! 

Kick in the Teeth

​When life kicks you in the teeth it’s all about you you keep going.   I’ve written about something similar before when I have said , we can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.   This past year has been a living testament to that saying.  It has been one heck of a year!

This past week we celebrated the first year anniversary of owning our house.    I could only laugh because a year ago it was about 512 degrees outside while we were moving!  (Ok, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration.)  This year the weather was sunny and cool!  I would have loved to have had the cool weather last year, but we  persevered and did it.  (It was the longest move ever as we literally took 2 months to completely move out of our apartment …we finished up the day before our lease was up!). The year anniversary caused my mind to reflect and look at the last year and it’s challenges and victories.

The challenges started with the move to our new house and the unending mowing duties.  I was so tired and exhausted I. The first weeks that I would literally sit on the couch and cry. On more than one occasion I was too exhausted to eat, and for me that is very telling!  That was challenge number one.    The challenges grew harder with my mom’s stroke, the fear about possibly losing my job (twice), Jason’s run in with an axe, the worry about him and then the ensuing financial battle as he didn’t work for quite a few months. 

I would like to say that I handled everything with grace.  I would love to say that I accepted every challenge with a pep in my step and an ‘I will overcome’ attitude each time.    Some challenges I totally nailed!  I accepted them and allowed greatness to happen.  The exhaustion from the constant move and the unaccustomed hours of yard work I totally rocked!   Sure I cried from the sheer exhaustion, but I kept going. And something amazing happened.   The pain in my body started to fade!   I got stronger!  What was difficult turned easy!  I stayed positive and I became a better person!

Like I said though, some of the challenges I struggled with. I have battled with depressive feelings this year as I have worried about finances.  Hello, we were down a paycheck for about five months and for about 6 months the longevity of my paycheck was in question.  I wish I would have taken those challenges in hand a bit better. Luckily it wasn’t a total failure on how I faced those financial challenges.  I stressed and obsessed a lot.  It would be in waves…sometimes I would be a nervous wreck and at others I would be ‘we got this’.  And I know that I probably drove Jason mad with my worry at times. But for the most part I allowed my fears and worries to rule my thoughts and actions. What could have happened had I not let the stress rule my life?

My mom has faced the biggest  challenge of her life this last year.   Life kicked her in the teeth.  She has fallen apart.  Life is all about how you react to things that happen  and how you go on. My mom failed.   My mom has chosen, yes chosen to focus on the negative.  In her way of thinking, there is nothing positive in her life and she makes sure she lets me know.  Visits with her are tough.  The constant negativity toward everything is emotionally taxing.  Because as I said, my mom has chosen to wallow in her self pity.   She has not realized that this experience where she is totally out of her comfort zone could transform her mind and spirit into something magical.    

Our first year in our house was rough, really rough.  I hope that year two will be better!   But I know that at the very least I will be confronted with the residual effects of the previous year (financial for one as we dig out of those mo the of half our income…months that were expensive due to medical bills…even with insurance).   It won’t be comfortable for me.  It won’t be easy.  But I have decided to accept the discomfort with grace and a smile on my face.   When  I’m uncomfortable and chose to accept it with a smile and positive attitude I will experience the magical moments of life!  Bring on the magic!

A Year for the Record Books

​I’m telling you, this year is the year that is just not letting up!  It’s been one thing after the other!  Some good others bad!  It’s been nuts!

The first part of the year was swallowed up whole as we hunted for and bought a house. 

We settled on our house and then commenced the never ending move that stretched almost two complete months. We finished the move, drove back to the apartment (an hour and fifteen minutes away from our house) grabbed the last and turned in our key…and smiled because life would slow down then!  And quite literally my mom had a stroke the next day.    The madness of life continued as I tried to continue taking care of the house, the yard, put in my  time at work and make trips to see mom.  (I’m about 35 minutes away so any visit starts with an hour of travel time.  

Summer flew by like crazy as I ran around like a chicken with my head cut off.   I literally fell into the habit of cleaning the house at 6am…why?  Because that is when I could carve out a few minutes to do it.  I can clean the toilets and the bathroom sinks on my 15 minute breaks from work….which is what I do. I prep foods for dinner during my lunch break so that I can clear up an evening to go see mom after work.   I literally run around trying to make the most of every minute.  (Jason works a 9-1 hour day and has a 1 hour commute each way…..so his time is just as limited.).  I kept my head above the water…even though it felt like it was just barely.  

My weight maintained but only because I remained so busy.

I started Weight Watchers at the beginning of September and and had some success as I lost almost 10 pounds in that first month.  I was tickled too because I was super stressed due to some fear about the longevity of my job.  The end of August and most of September also marked a nice vicious case of poison.  All over my arms, legs and torso.  I pushed through with over the counter medication, but did not have a fun 3-4 weeks.  Things started to turn at the end of September.  The poison cleared up for the last week of the month.  Even better, at the very end of September I found out that my job was secure.  The timing for both of those things was perfect as  we had the first week off for vacation and to celebrate our anniversary. 

Our vacation was a staycation.  We decided to do a few little things local but to stay at home and work on the shed.   The shed on our property needed some love.  The leanto portion on the back was ready to cave in.  So we spent the week clearing the brush around the shed,  tearing that down (the leanto is 20x10), burning everything in the fire pit (one piece at a time) and starting the rebuild process.   I actually managed to maintain my weight over our vacation week. That is all thanks to being so active because I was ravenous the whole time!   

 On the third day of our vacation, I woke up and felt some itchiness…yes, I had managed to attract poison AGAIN.  (This was actually before we cleared the brush…so go figure).   The poison kept getting worse.  So bad that I ended up in the Urgent Care on the first day back to work after vacation.  They gave me steroids and sent me on my way.   

Steroids…well you know what that did to my weight!   Seeing it pop up did something to my mental capacity and will power and I began to struggle with tracking my food.    Oh, and the worst part of it?  The steroids did NOTHING for the poison and rashes!  Oh my word, the poison was so horrible!  What I thought was a bad case in September was nothing compared to this!  My complete torso was covered…my legs..arms, neck and even patches on my face.  My torso and thighs were the worst and I maintained this fire engine red color for weeks.  It wasn’t just itchy…it was painful.  Horrible!   Finally about the third to fourth week of October the bright red and terrible pain and itch had passed leavening me with dry scales skin.   I am still dealing with that and with bouts of itchiness.   What a month!

At the end of October they started to talk about sending mom home from Rehab.  She is super excited.  My brother and I not as much.  She is NOT ready to live on her own and we know it.  Ratchet up the stress another notch.

And then on October 27th, I went to visit mom after work.  I drove home and got home after dark.   I pulled in and saw Jason at the chopping block splitting down some firewood.  All was completely normal as I got out of the car.  I turned to head into the house and Jason had already gone inside.  I walked into the kitchen and noticed Jason bent over, but I was rushing to get dinner on the stove and in the oven since it was so late.  I greeted Jason and his words weee ‘I just cut myself’.  I asked if it was bad, still not shifting my focus from the stove and my dinner plans.    ‘Yes, really bad, I need to go to an urgent care’. I turned, shocked because he avoids doctors at all costs! That is when actually took stock of my kitchen…aka the crime scene.  Yeah, the axe slipped…went through his shoe…through his sock and right into his foot.  I grabbed a clean towel for him (he was using his sock to try to staunch the blood) and we headed out to urgent care.   Just as a side note…if you arrive with a foot wrapped in a blood soaked towel, they hustle you right back to a room.  The doctor wakes in soon thereafter and took one look at his foot and said ‘yeah, you most likely severed a tendon’ and sent us to the ER.  (They wrapped the foot …so that he was not leaking blood everywhere…which was nice of them, but slowed down our care in the ER as he was at that point not a bleeding priority).   X-rays and a phone consult with a podiatrist as they were also not sure of the status of his tendons.  We got home super late and I scrubbed the kitchen floor at 2AM and then went to bed.  I was up at 4:30 and out the door early for some other things concerning mom’s discharge…but made it back home in time to take Jason to his appointment with the specialist.  The specialist ordered an MRI because the tendon damage possibility could still not be determined.  Well on Monday we had the MRI and got the results.  He severed one tendon and nicked a second tendon.  Surgery or no surgery.  It’s possible they will heal on their own.  But possible that he needs surgery.  It’s up in the air and I believe we are going to try the least invasive, no surgery option.   At the worst, he will need surgery eventually.  At the best…it heals on its own.    So he is supposed to be no. Weight bearing for the next couple weeks…then a restrictive boot for a few more weeks.     Yes, I’m stressed to the max!

Ohhh and he can’t work…his employer is a small business with only a handful of employees…there is no short term disability.  We are now (and for the unforseeable future) a one paycheck family.    I’m trying to remain calm.  But it’s difficult.

So life is crazy.  So very crazy.  My eating has been steady…but not great.    My emotions are in an uproar as I feel like I am failing at everything I do.  Trying to do it all and falling short at everything.   Last night I sat on the couch trying to occupy my mind and I had a thought.  It was a thought that I had held onto tightly during the end of my marriage.   And that thought and mantra was ‘I can not control much of what is happening in my life and surroundings.  But I CAN control what food I put into my mouth’.  (For the most part…at 1AM leaving the ER having not eating in 14 hours…there wasn’t many options for where to pick up dinner…but I still had control over what I ordered.).    

  So if my food is the only thing I can control….control it!!!    This, this morning I pulled out my WW app and I have entered my food into the tracker.  I’m going to revel in the control I can have!!!

Chaos Be Gone

This is been an interesting week thus far. In some ways I feel like a complete failure. In other ways I feel totally in control and on top of the world. It’s crazy how weight loss and this journey can be so conflicted at the same time.

For the first time in a long time, I feel totally in control and on top of the world with what I’m doing in regards to my eating. I am consciously making wise choices. I am consciously making healthier choices. I am not over eating. I have even done really really good with the after work snacks and with the evening sweet treats. When I say really good, I mean that most days I have not indulged and when I have it has been managed and in moderation. That’s an awesome feeling!  I like feeling in control and so often my eating is out of control and it that gives this feeling of chaos to my life. I like this control.

I’ve been consistently walking...not quite active exercise but movement nonetheless!   I enjoy my break time walks!  Yesterday I saw babies!

In the midst of these really good strong feelings of control, pride and peace,  I find myself feeling despair. I told you these emotions were conflicting and off-the-wall!

So what am I talking about when I say despair? My weight. My calories have been in line with where I want them to be. True, they may be at the higher end of the range that I have set up for myself. (I am aiming for anywhere between 1200 and 1500 cal a day.) Even at the higher range I should be still able to lose a pound a week… Strictly by the numbers. Yeah, that’s not happening this week. My weight is actually up higher than it was last week at this time. I can rattle off the excuses… The monthly ick was here, I accidentally allowed myself to get dehydrated on Monday, I’m battling sinus issues, it’s my age or any number of excuses. But I don’t care about the excuses. I want results.

I did have one day where I was super high in my calories… But one day should not cause me to gain 5 pounds! And that one Day? I was only about 500 to 600 cal over my budget.

So I vacillate between happiness over the control and despair over the weight gain. Yes, I said 5 pounds!

So what’s the plan? Well first and foremost, I want to retain the control. That means I’ll continue tracking, I will continue being in control of my eating versus letting the eating be in control of me. As for the wait. I am going to try to work on cutting some more carbs out of my food intake. I’m going to try to have more lower budget days… Meaning I am going to try to be at the low-end of my range on more days. And maybe, just maybe I’ll get this exercise things started.

Control Freak

It's no secret that I've struggled in the last few weeks, ok months.  My weight has been at a standstill since early July.  I've not totally gone off deep end.  However, I've slipped into some bad habits.

One of the bad habits I've picked up is being lackadaisical about my fresh fruit and vegetables.  I buy them and I 'usually' eat them.  However, each week I find myself throwing more away.  When I'm on track I eat each and every bite of my fresh foods, often running out before I get to the grocery store for a restock.   Today I actually took my time and prepped some of my fresh foods that were sitting in the refridgerator.  It felt good.  I felt like I was taking control of my life, my addictions.   Just that one simple step made me feel as if I was on the right track.  It felt right.  It felt good.

One step and lots more to come.  However, now that I remember how good it feels to be in control I want to feel it again!!!!

Weekend control

Day two of August is here.  I'm doing ok with my eating.  I really was just a thing of saying "I'm going to do it" and actually doing it.  Todd and I even stopped for ice cream at one point and I managed to have my ice cream and eat it too.  Yes, I had to adjust something in the budget for later in the day...but I managed.  And my weight has dropped quite a bit. (yeah, I'm sure some of my weight being up on Monday was due to water retention due to the chinese food, mexican food and pizza that I consumed in the days leading up to the weigh in...ohh and the lack of water and flood of Diet soda).  So it's working.

I've worked out pretty regularly this week.  I've been happy with what I've done.  Ok, I'm happy that I worked out every day.  I'm not happy because I want to do more....

The weekend is upon me.  I personally find it so much easier to eat 'right' on weekdays. I"m in a routine.  Routines are good.  On weekends life goes upside down and I have to loosen my reigns on the control sometimes.  Wait, wait wait.......I am ALWAYS still in control.  No one forces food into my mouth. (well not usually...Todd has been known to shove snacks in my mouth.).   Yes, I am in control.  I may have more limited options and I may have to use more willpower, but I'm still totally in control!

Stress relief

How often has this comic strip happened in my past.  Throughout 2009, 2010, 2011 and 2012 this comic strip was my life.  It's actually not very comical.  Yeah, it shows me that I'm not alone.  But it reminds me of  my failures during not one, not two, not three but four long years.  Four years in which I gained 70 pounds of the 135 that I had previously lost.  Four years of feeling miserable because I had no control over my addiction, my body and my life.  No, that isn't funny at all.     I've turned it around though and I'm absolutely amazed at how incredible I feel.  I feel on top of the world.  Yeah, life still has many suck factors. But there is something to be said for taking control of something that previously was spiraling out of control.  It really does change my whole demeanor about life.  I teetered on the edge of depression for most of those four years. (OK, some friends would say that I actually fell over the cliff into the pits of depression.  LOL)  But miraculously, I got my eating under control and the depressive feelings have eased up.  The world doesn't look so bleak. 

Last night at Zumba I was talking to some of my zumba peeps.  We were talking about what an awesome workout it is.  But then we segued into the other side affects that working out has.  We unanimously agreed that when we are stressed out the last thing we WANT to do is to go to zumba...however we all KNOW that it is the only thing that we SHOULD do!   We talked about the healing properties that stomping our feet and blowing off some steam in the form of exercise.  Working out is not just for our health.  It is for the whole body.   Like I said, I HATE the process of starting exercise.  I dread starting, I dread it all.  I even sometimes hate the process of exercise.   However, I LOVE the after effects. I love that wide awake alive feeling that infuses my body when I'm done.  I love the sense of peace and happiness that overtakes me.  I love the sense of accomplishment and pride.  I love love love the aftereffects.  So I keep pushing on through the hate stages because I know what comes afterward!

 

curveballs

I was able to navigate the potluck yesterday.  It was difficult.  I wanted to eat eat eat.  I slipped up and ate three crackers with some spreadable cheese before I realized what I was doing.  I immediately went to my computer and logged the addition into myfitnesspal.  I had to make an adjustment to my dinner, but it worked out perfectly.   I've got this! I HAD it so well that later in the evening I looked at my calorie count and realized that I had enough calories to indulge in my super yummy cookies.  I had ONE cookie.  I nibbled that cookie and savored every nibble.  This is what it is all about!  SHAZAM!

Life continues to throw me curveballs.  But I refuse to allow these curveballs to derail me from my weight loss efforts!!!  They are coming at me and I'm ducking out of the way!  I am in control of only one thing in my life...and that is my weight loss efforts.  The curveballs will continue to fly around me I'm sure.  But I'm not going to let them win.  This is about so much more than my weight.  This is about who I am.  Am I a quitter?  Am I someone that doesn't value myself enough to take care of me?   NO, this journey that I"m on is too important.  It is not just about  my phsyical health....it is about my mental health!   SHAZAM! 

Think Thin!

Paradox

I have said it more than once in the past years.  I have control over one thing in my life...and that is my weight.   If I've said it once, I've said it twice.  I have control over only  me.  Life swirls around me and threatens to tear me to pieces but there is ONE thing that I have ultimate control over and that is my eating, exercise and ultimately my weight!   2013 is the year that I am taking control of that aspect of my life.  I am taking no prisoners.  I am not looking back.  I am doing what I need to do and I am not wavering.  Yesterday I ate exactly what I had planned and thus stayed within my budget. I hit up zumba even though I wanted to sit in a corner and cry my eyes out.   At the end of the day I actually had enough calories for  nice evening snack. (not even including my calories burned during exercise...I had enough BEFORE exercise).   I however did not want it.  Yes, I actually typed that!   I didn't want my planned snack.  I didn't NEED it.  I therefore was 150 calories UNDER budget.  I'm not worried. If I were eating under 1200 calories on a daily basis it would be a real problem.  But dipping below once or twice here and there is not an issue.  (More on that later.)  I am at the top of my game thus far in 2013.....weight wise.


2013 has NOT started out in a stellar fashion.  We've had death.  We've had issues with our business.  And yesterday we actually had a car that heard it's death toll.  We are now officially a one car family for the unforeseeable future.  All of this is demoralizing and rather upsetting.  I'm floored with stress..words can't describe.  HOWEVER, I have NOT given up. I'm rolling along with my weight loss.  I'm not letting these outside factors affect my efforts.  I'm not letting my addiction win.  Ohhh it may win some battles, but I WILL win the war!


What a paradox....2013 on one hand is absolutely horrible but on the other hand it's fabulous!   (it's like I have a split personality or something.  haa haa haa)

I have tried to forge my own path on this weight loss thing.  I lost it all the first time through weight watchers.  I will forever be grateful to weight watchers for getting me past the hump and actually walking me through the journey the first time.  The program, leaders and yes fellow attendees (Hi Sherry!!!) helped me believe in myself to get me to goal.    I have learned lots of tricks and have read about a lot of rules out there.  I take the best of the best I throw out what doesn't make sense to me and I have tried to forge a path that works for me.  However, there is ONE rule that I adhere to without fail.  That rule?   Other than occasional and rare situations, I do not go below that 1200 calorie mark.  Yes, It has been a proven thing that a person should NOT eat less than 1200 calories a day.   Preferably GOOD nutritious calories. Our bodies need a certain amount of calories to exist in a healthy manner.  It is pretty much accepted that 1200 is the low for women.  When a person dips below that number our bodies tend to think they are starving and instead of helping out bodies, our bodies actually go into a starvation mode.  Starvation mode is bad because our bodies store the fat and slows down metabolism.  Storing fat is BAD. (obviously).Slowing the metabolism is bad too! So that is one 'rule' that I do follow almost religiously!   :-)

Rock on and for God's sake....THINK THIN!!!

Donuts and ice cream

My weekend was busy.  I literally ran from the moment I got off work at 2PM on Friday until I got home last night.  I haven't even finished editing all my pictures from the weekend yet.  Friday I helped my brother on the house that he is remodeling.  Saturday I helped Todd run sound at a bluegrass festival.  Saturday evening I hung out with my friend and her son.  Sunday Todd and I did a day trip and hit up some historical museums.  BUSY.  eating was less than stellar.  Not so bad calorie wise, but not healthy choices.  (yes, I had a donut for breakfast Saturday AND Sunday morning)

My victory.  Todd brought home a large ice cream for me on Thursday night.  THURSDAY  NIGHT .  I started eating it on THURSDAY night.  Guess when I finished that puppy?????   SUNDAY NIGHT!  I nibbled on it for  4 days!!!!  That is a victory, usually I just scarf it all down, no matter that it is too much and makes me ill.  I didn't do it this time!

Emotionally, I'm hanging on.....trying to stay positive and trying to focus on MY healthy and the things that I can change!!!

Empowerment

I started out slowly.  Right around Christmas I started thinking about it.  I started to try to make more health conscious choices....I moved slowly.  A few days before New Years and I was rolling.  So here I sit. It's the sixth day of the new year and I feel strong.  I feel alive.  I feel empowered.

Why?  Yes, I struggled again last night with the overwhelming loneliness and the utter sadness that just ripped through my soul.  But yet I feel empowered.  Isn't that a weird dichotomy?   I however DO understand where this feeling of empowerment comes from.

I've talked many times about how I KNOW that I have a food addiction.  I struggle with this need to feel that 'high' from the most awesome tasting food.  I want that. It's a really hard addiction to conquer because I can't just remove myself from a situation in which I may be confronted with my vice (IE stay out of bars if I"m an alcoholic)  No, I'm forced to confront my addiction three times a day.  Each and every meal I have to stare my addiction in the face and say "SCRAM....I'm not falling prey to your tempting pull". And sadly enough for the last year I have allowed my food addiction to win quite a few times. 

However, after only 6 or 8 days into being back on track and actually having control, I feel empowered.  I have been battling this addiction and in the last 6-8 days I've won!  I know that I will battle it for the rest of my life....but I'm in awe of the feeling of empowerment that flows through me just knowing that I've stared it in the face and I've won just for these few days.  Yes, it IS a huge victory.  But being in control is the best feeling in the world!   Do I still want to eat bad stuff and lots of it?  Yes...I'm an addict.  But Being in control tastes better than the high that food gives...and you know what?  It lasts longer too!

Control.....Control.....Control.......this is the one area of my life that I CAN control.  And you know what? It feels damn good!

Went out for a walk again this morning.  1 hour down!  :-)  It was cold again, but we just bundled up!

Mile Marker on the C&O Canal on the segment that we walked today.



Bundling up.  Yes, I wear a hat with flaps....it's SOOOOO toasty warm!

Silence is....

Silence is fattening in my case.  Historically, when I disappear, I am doing poorly in this weight loss game.  This last time was no different.  I feel off the wagon.  It didn't help that we had vacation stuck smack dab in the middle of my silent period.  Yes, vacations can be healthy and have weight loss results.  BUT mine didn't.  OK OK OK, I'd say about 10 pounds (home scales)....well about 10 pounds on the weight watchers scales tooo....even though our scales are WAY off in what they weigh us at.  (hell, I just put new batteries in the home scales the other week and this morning they won't even turn on....I think new scales will be entering our house tomorrow).   I'm not happy about it AT ALL.  But I know what needs to be done.  Track my food.  Just say no when the urge to snack and eat uncontrollably overtakes me.  Will power baby.  That's what it takes.

The problem?  This is a mental game.  Oh yeah, it's 100% mental.  The choices to eat or not eat something is made in my head. The war within me is fought all in a mental fashion.  I can win the mental game. It takes focus.  I've won it before, that's not a problem.  The problem......I've got so much other.....well...crapola in my mind that I can't focus on the weight.  My mind is whirling in a fever that is unprecedented for me.  Honestly, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry myself into oblivion.  It's not over any one thing in my life.  I can't say that I want to cry because of such and such.  It's just EVERYTHING all combined into one hellish feeling.   I know that my weight is part of it.  Yes, very much so.  But the food addiction overtakes.  Yesterday I fed my addiction.  And I'm going to put it out there...

Woke up, cried for about an hour....ate an English muffin while I packed my lunch for work (all while crying).  I made good choices for my lunch.  I got to work at 10.  By 10:30 I was struggling to hold it together emotionally and my thoughts turned to food (naturally, food is my friend).  My lunch seemed BORING and lackluster....so I called in a food order and went out and picked up a turkey and cheese sub.  I ate that with the soda that I bought.  And then I proceeded to eat the food in my lunch box ANYWAY (throughout the course of the afternoon).....applesauce, cherries, corn, jello cup, 100 calorie pack.  And that still wasn't enough, so I dug into the cabinet at work and ate some chips AND two pieces of leftover snack/granola caramel bar thingies.  I went to zumba and that did make me feel a bit better......came home and had not one, not two but THREE turkey hot dogs and some baked beans.   And after dinner.....why I had a root beer float! (hey, it was fat free ice cream...but not a diet root beer!)   I fed my addiction yesterday.  I tried to eat to down my sorrows.   Does it make me feel better?  It is a fleeting feeling of peace....but everything crashes right back upon me.  I know this.  Yet I continue to eat. 

I'm not going to promise greatness today with my eating.  I'm a food addict.  I'm for some reason depressed beyond reason.  that's not a good combination.  But I'm going to try.  I'm NOT ordering lunch, I have my lunch in my lunchbox.  I did have a decent breakfast (waffles and bacon) and I dont' know what I'll have for dinner.  My plan though is to know EXACTLY what I'm eating for dinner before I leave for work.  I don't want anything THINKING about dinner to occur when I'm in the kitchen.  I am not promising that it's going to be under my points target for the day.  But I am going to try to hold it together and not eat indiscriminately today.  THAT is my goal.

I can't fix my world....but maybe, just maybe if I fix my eating and my weight I'll feel a wee bit better about everything else.

I was writing an email to a friend this morning, to give her my weekly weight in our competition. More on that later. And it just hit me that I am the only one that can control my weight. I make the decisions. Yeah, people influence those decisions. But ultimately, it is me and me alone that is in charge of this weight issue. No excuses or blame...it's all on me.

Ok, so that was my deep thought for this morning. Come on now...it's Friday morning...give a girl some slack!

My weight. Well, it's down from where it was after my food fest last weekend. So that's good. It's still lower than where I was when I started this competition, so that's good. HOWEVER, it's up a bit from where I was before last weekend's feeding frenzy....so that's bad. But you know what...I made the concious choice to eat last weekend. I've made the concious decision to eat the last however many months to get to this point and it's up to me to make the concious decision to eat properly now to get myself back to the weight that I want to be at.

Soooo the other day a friend talked to me about how she's coming to the conclusion that her personal ideal weight may not be the best for her and that she is having to reevaluate her own personal goal. She mentioned that she was working to accept that maybe 10-15 pounds higher is her perfect weight and not her ideal weight (the weight that she wanted to be at.....the 10 pounds higher still keeps her at a good weight). She mentioned that to get to that lower weight that she had to work out like a demon and I know that most likely eat like a rabbit. She mentioned that she likes food and that she can relax and enjoy her food and stay at that slightly higher weight. It made me think. I was happy at 180 pounds. Yeah, I'd like to go lower...but I think it was a good weight for me. My body was regulated there for quite some time before I lost control and started to eat like a starving pig. SO my goal is to get back to that point! And then I'll just continue eating right and not let myself gain....but take whatever comes...either maintain there, or lose. NO pressure!

Deep thoughts and a few tears

It's like I have no control over my choices. I know that sounds really lame and actually quite stupid. Because I know that I have all the control over my success, however I feel helpless and out of control right now. I think that about sums up my life right now. I feel totally out of control of EVERYTHING. It's like I'm grabbing for the reigns (in lots of aspects of my life) and they keep slipping out of my reach. I'm a control freak. I like to be planned. I make my lists and check them twice. I like to know. But some of these things are totally out of my hands. There isn't much I can do. I can't single-handedly bring back the economy and make people want to spend money on luxury things. (ie recording time at a recording studio). I can't make other problems disappear. Health issues? I can't do anything about these either. We eat right and exercise...and while that's been a huge help in our health there are other issues at play. I can only pray and have peace that all will be ok with all of these worries and stressors . Easier said than done. But I know that all of this stress and worry is having a really negative impact on my weight loss efforts. First and foremost, I just want to eat my way through the problems. Food long ago became my friend. It's the friend that cheers me up when I'm feeling blue. It's the friend that laughs with me when I'm in a funny mood. It's the friend that celebrates when things are going good. Food is the friend that I look to to enhance each and every mood that my body encounters. As the stress just mounts, I find myself looking more and more to food. I know it has to stop. But once again, easier said than done. How does one stop? How does one break that chain, that hold that food has over me? Because quite honestly, the gained weight and the repeated failures to get the weight off just add to my stress levels. It really is a vicious cycle.

And at this point, food and my fat is the thing that is protecting me from facing the truth about myself and who I am.(ok, stop crying MF, you are sitting here at work...at the drive through window waiting for a customer, you can't be crying here!). I'm afraid to face the truth...what if I don't like what I see? When I first started to lose weight I did and said, "I like myself fat, I dont' need to lose weight for any reason other than my health". But now I'm starting to wonder if that all wasn't a lie. Did I really like myself????

Ok, I really am struggling here....I can't be crying when a car pulls up to the window!!! So I'll leave that topic for a bit.

I rode my bike to work today. I was planning on going home from work and then hopping on the bike and riding (Todd will be at the studio with friends). But then I started thinking about how stupid it would be because I'd just be backtracking. So I rode in this morning. I'll work all day, and when I leave here, I'll leave my backpack with my work clothes here and head home on my bike. Why I'm leaving my backpack? Because even though it's only 2 miles home...I'll be taking the most circuitious path home. Instead of 2 miles, I'm planning on a 15 mile route home. (by way of keedysville the next town/village over if you must know). Weather.com though said mostly sunny with only 10% chance of rain. However when I got to work, a co-worker looked on a different weather site and it said 30% chance of thunderstorms. Ohhh ohhh. Oh well, I may get wet. And if it's bad, I'll bum a ride home tonight. :-)