Saturday, December 20, 2008

Full circle

Spent some time thinking last night. Thinking about my food and the path that I've been on. You see, I was hot on the trail of good health and losing weight until last year. I can really almost pinpoint the exact moment that I started having difficulty. It was at my work christmas party. Sooo, a year has gone by. I've struggled all year long. In the last month or two, I've not only struggled, I've gained. I'm not happy with this..but I can't do anything about the past. All I can do is look at the past, reflect, learn and move on.

SOOOO, how can I pin point the 2007 work Christmas party. Well, I had been doing really well. But my co-workers were insistent that I join them in eating that day. I can't lay the blame on them...but they did egg me on to eat. And then eat some more. And then eat more still. One of my co-workers talked to me a few days later and apologized for her action, Even though she didn't egg me on like some of the others, she was sorry that she didn't tell them to shush. In fairness, the one gal that was so excited to see me actually eating was a gal that eats junk food CONSTANTLY and wears a size 2....I think she plain and simple did not understand. That said....I'm still to blame! BUt from that point, I struggled. For about 9 months I maintained...and then I started to gain. I think some of the last few months of gaining has been basically eating in frustration because I was not losing. During the months of maintaining, I was never really off the plan...but I was skirting on the edge. The good thing.....I know how to maintain. But I was frustrated and it was easy to say, "well if I'm not going to lose, I may as well eat what I want." And I started to gain.

Yesterday brought the 2008 work christmas party. Yes, I ate. I'll admit that I ate way too much. And last night (actually while I was still at work yesterday evening) it hit me....full circle. I'm determined that yesterday's party marks the end of the last wishy washy year of weight loss efforts. Where one year's party marked the beginning...I want this years party to mark the end.

So last night I was thinking some more about all of this and I've come to the conclusion. For the time being, I can't even nibble on certain things. If I start...even if it's a tiny piece of cake....I will keep going back for more. (yesterday I had a small piece of rum cake.....small piece. Ok, so that's not so bad...but that put the taste in my mouth...and I kept going back for just one more tiny piece......over and over!....ok, three pieces of cake). Ironically enough, I don't crave cake or sweets. It's only after I have 'indulged' and had a piece...THEN I want another piece! Chocolate...don't want it...but if I eat a piece...I want another piece. So why do I even start???? And that's my point. Why should I? I also know that there are situations where I can have a piece of cake or a treat. But in closely monitored instances where there is only the option for me to have that one piece.

I'm addicted to food...if I start, I can't stop. (well I can.....but it's difficult.). I would like to say that someday I'll be able to conquer this and be able to look a cake in the one piece...or one bite and say 'that's enough'. But right So for that reason, I can't have any!

Didn't weigh myself today. Guess I'm kinda scared to. Not to fear...I will! And just because I didn't weigh in doesn't mean that I'm ready to work my tail end off (literally)!