Saturday, February 19, 2022

I’m just Tired

​I am just tired.  Tired of what you may ask?   I’m tired of so many things.  I’m tired of feeling like a failure…and I am definitely failing at losing weight.  I’m tired of being fat.  I’m tired of even trying to lose weight. I’m just tired.

Tired of Being Fat

Nope, I’m not mincing words.  I am just plain tired of being fat.   I don’t like how I feel in my body.  I don’t like how my clothes fit.  I don’t like …we’ll much of anything about being overweight.    Seriously…being overweight hurts…physically hurts too!   I’m tired of it.   I keep vowing to make the necessary changes but I fall into the adage of ‘tomorrow’.   But tomorrow has not come recently.  Honestly the last time I had any great success was right before our wedding/elopement!  That happened at the beginning of October of last year!  5 months ago!    I’m tired of a lack of success!!!

Every time I gain weight it bothers me more.  When I was overweight (way back at the beginning of this website/blog) I didn’t feel fat.  My body was used to the weight and I guess the constant aches and pains.  But as I lost the weight the pain disappeared and I felt amazing.  But tasting that amazing pain free life means that as I gained the back, I feel every pound!  Each and every pound!  I’m tired of it!

I have bins upon bins of clothes in my smaller sizes.  Yet I’m forced to wear my fat clothes …which honestly I don’t even think of as ‘fat clothes’ anymore…they are just my clothes.  But honestly, I think about those clothes with longing!  I’m tired of being this size!!!

Tired of Failing

Before our wedding I had challenged myself to a 12 week challenge.  My goal was to lose 24 pounds in that twelve weeks.  And I did phenomenal at the beginning and then lost slower at the end.   I didn’t reach my 24 pounds but I was proud of myself with what I DID lose.  We got married, vacationed, uhhh…honeymooned, and came home.  I maintained a few weeks and then very slowly started to gain. I’m ashamed to admit…but I gained weight.   It took me 2 months to gain 10 pounds.  The next three months?  10 more pounds gained!  (Ok more like 8…but seriouslyYes.  I am sitting close to 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got married!  What in the world is wrong with me?    I’m talking failure!  Huge failure!  20 pounds of failure!   I’m tired of failing!

The weight gain on top of negative and snide comments and my own personal epiphany of how years of these comments have shaped my view of myself is not a good combination.  Can we say self fulfilling prophecy?  I’m tired of FEELING like a failure!

The Catalyst for Change

So I have been thinking about how I feel.  If I expect any change to be forthcoming in my life, I need to change myself first.  I can’t expect to continue doing the exact same thing and expect different results.  So that means that it is time to change me.  It is time to change my way of thinking.  It is time to change my actions.  The only way to enact change is to be the catalyst of change.  

So what is my plan and how am I going to be the catalyst for change?   Well first, I am going to focus on the things I CAN change!  But let’s talk specifics.

Negativity in my life. Sadly, the negative person in my life is not someone I can easily cut out of my life…nor do I want to.  I love the person…and I know that they love me.  This person is just not happy with their lot in life…maybe some jealousy…whatever.   I can’t change them. What I can do is start to stand up for myself whenever the remarks are made.  I can try to put a stop to them versus just sitting there like a whipping post.  And now that I totally recognize the behavior, I can hopefully separate it in my mind as drivel untruths!

Weight loss failure.  Well simply put, I need to stop failing.  I am worth every second of time it takes.  I am worth every ounce of energy I devote. I am worth it!  Easier said than done.  I know…so maybe fake it till I make it??  Hahaha. And I will be going back to the basics.

     1.  Track my food…RELIGIOUSLY!

      2.  Water….65 ounces as bare minimum

      3.   Calories UNDER 1450 at least 6 days a week!

     4.  Forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps!

     5.  40 miles of exercise/movement a week (this is the minimum I need for my 2022 mile challenge.

     6.  Work to add additional formal exercise into my week.  I’m not sure yet how/when/where but stay tuned!

Changing my behaviors will take energy…but I can do it!!!!!!