Thursday, January 22, 2015

One foot in front of the other

Why is this so difficult?  I kept vowing to try and start and work on this weight I'm all over this I kept telling myself.  And every day I would eat candy or french fries or something that would throw me for a loop and make me say "tomorrow" is the day.   Starting was proving to be the killer.

Toward the end of last week I made a vow to myself.  I was going to track my matter what. I didn't matter what I chose to eat, all that matter was that I tracked EACH AND EVERY BITE!   Who cares if I was eating 40000 calories, my only responsibility was to track.  Now before you gasp and think, "what in the world, she just gave herself permission to eat anything".....I know that when I see the calories being consumed that I will freak and it will automatically pull me into control.

It worked....until yesterday.

Yesterday morning was bad.  I felt like one hot emotional wreck.  Just full of tears over everything.  I pulled myself together to go make breakfast and pack my lunch and proceeded to slice my hand open pretty badly (bad enough that half of my hand aches today....and it hurts to type!).  By the time I got that to stop bleeding and get myself ready for work it was time to go and I hadn't eaten breakfast yet.  So I did what anyone would do.  I stopped on the way.

I told myself just a breakfast sandwich and a small drink.  But you know what happened.  "Would you like to make that a meal"    And of course I answered yes and with no hesitation when she asked "super sized" I said yes also.   And that just set me up for a day of food debauchery.   (bad start to eating and roaring emotions...yup, failure)

All was not lost.....I still had zumba to help me burn off some calories.   But the snow.....

Emotions?  Why you ask.  Well of course I still have 'Cancer Kitty"  Who I watch (with a nervous twitch) every day...wondering if today is the day that she will no longer be able to eat or swallow past the growth on her neck.

Now I also have "Parapalegic Kitty"   Yes, another cat has joined the hospice care for cats center that I am apparently running.  Ethel on Saturday began to have horrible difficulties walking. I rushed her to the vet and he was skeptical but gave her some shots and pills (potions and lotions....literally) and sent her home.  She has recovered enough to get herself to he liter and the food....but it's rough.   Worse, she now just lays and most of the time she has a vacant stare in her eyes that just breaks my heart.  I can no longer get her to purr and she used to 'talk to me' all the time.....she doesn't do that any more.  My cat is not well and I know it.

Mertz, thankfully right now is doing I will add a picture of Mertz.

Meanwhile....I'm just trying to smile.......