Thursday, May 12, 2022

Right around the Corner

​closing on our new house is right around the corner.  Yes…literally right around the corner.   Wow…this move just got real….


Yes, I got the notice yesterday that we are cleared for settlement.  I got our final figure on exactly how much money we need for closing….and the loan company has given me the final figured so we now know exactly how much our mortgage payment will be and all that stuff.   I got the “thanks for using us…you will get your first mortgage bill right around this date…if you don’t get it by then just give us a call….been nice doing business…goodbye.”    It’s all on the hands of the settlement company right now.   So it’s Thursday and our settlement is set for Monday.  I told you…this just got real.


Today is my last day of work for this week.  I had previously (like 4-5 months ago) randomly asked for tomorrow (Friday) off.  (I have use it or lose it time and I get more than Jason so I just randomly take days off….and spend them with mom usually.)   I toyed with canceling the day…since settlement isn’t until Monday.  But I have ultimately decided to keep it off.  I can take care of some banking business….instead of waiting until the last minute.  I can also continue packing…. Oh who am I kidding, I’ll probably spend the day with mom…although I haven’t told her that I will be arriving on her doorstep yet!


Packing has gone well.   We are nowhere near fully packed.  Part of the lackadaisical attitude is the fact that we actually have possession of our apartment until june 30th.   So while we are excited and anxious to get moved, it’s not imperative that we do it in a crazy day long move to vacate one place by the deadline and get into the next place moments after settlement.    The other thing…our apartment is small…and I have stuff stacked everywhere…we plan on making a few smaller loads…and not doing one big trick at one time.  So once I get the first load packed and moved it will be easier to navigate and move on this apartment.  This weekend the plan is that we will be reduced to eating on paper plates and using plastic silverware.  Hahahah. We will also be eating foods that are prepackaged…can we say hello frozen pizza?  (At least that is the plan….I have a sneaky feeling we will end up picking up to go!)


Weight loss…it’s still on hold.  I’m just trying to maintain.   And if I maintain, I’ll call it a victory!!!




Thursday, May 05, 2022

Packing…worry…packing

​Packing and worrying.  That seems to be my life right now.  Weight loss….it’s in the back of my mind and I think about it a lot, but…..


Packing to Move

I started to pack as soon as we went under contract for the house we are buying.   My goal has been 2 boxes a day.  Some days that is all I do, but usually I get rolling and get a few extra boxes done.  I have moved through the ‘I’m so overwhelmed’ phase of moving and now I’m starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel..maybe.    It has been somewhat easy as we have known for a while that we would be moving..so I have saved boxes.  So it was a thing of buying packing tape and putting the boxes back together before I fill them.  I also spent the last year and a half purging.  For a while I was challenging myself to purge at least one item a day.  With that done I didn’t have to sort and make decisions while packing, the devotions were mostly already made.  

 I know as the days tick closer to our settlement and move that I’ll begin to feel overwhelmed again.  But, the packing is going well at the moment.


I am overwhelmed with worry about the actual move.  I’ve been having foot issues recently.  I’m not in pristine shape right now either.   I’m very worried.  But, we are planning on doing it on our own.  (Honestly, we don’t have many friends in our area to even ask for help.)  


The actual house purchase

We are still signing papers and working on getting the paperwork for the lender done.  The paperwork has died down though, so it’s not as fast and furious as it was at the beginning.   Everything is looking to be ready for our projected settlement date.   I am still holding my breath though.   We both have had some issues in our financial history (that’s what happens sometimes in bad relationships…which we both previously had).   We have spent time cleaning up our financial history and we are currently good…but it is still there on our records (close to being old enough to fall off our credit reports) so it’s hard to be calm and not worry.   


Before we went under contract I had laughed and said that I would be nervous until settlement was done and we had keys in our hand.  Little did I know how true that would be.   Actually I also said that I would be on edge until we were settled in the house and the first few months of all the new payments and bills was behind us and we were totally settled in all aspects….I sure hope that’s not the case and as soon as settlement is done that I go back to being less stressed out.


Weight Loss

Losing weight has been in the back of my mind every day.  I’m serious.  Every. Day.     I am just trying to hold on right now though.  I honestly don’t think I have it in me right now to dive into weight loss full steam.  Weight loss for me is all encompassing when I am doing it with any success.  It turns into my full focus.  And right now my focus is elsewhere (packing and moving).   The good thing is that I’m not eating crazy.  I’m holding steady with my weight.  Not gaining…but not exactly losing.  Not optimal, but it is what it is right now. 


I have been seriously looking at Zumba classes to join after we move….online and in person.  I haven’t been able to do most ‘home exercises’ here at our apartment.  I’m on the third floor and while I pay my fair share to live here, I don’t want to be ‘that neighbor’ and stomp and jump above them.    I am looking forward to doing some Zumba classes…in the area we will live and with my schedule it looks like it will most likely be online classes.  I will actually probably pay for official classes…however I will be looking into YouTube videos also.   I plan on continuing riding the exercise bike daily.  (Of course I will…I have my 2022 miles to get this year!).  There will be yard work…and whatnot that will keep me active.   I also have made the conscious decision that when the stress of packing and moving is behind me, that I will switch that focus to weight loss.  I have to!!


Life is a crazy thing.  It is a balancing act of making everything work and balance out.  I’m working on it….win lose or draw I’m walking through the craziness!



Thursday, April 28, 2022

I'm in a Tizzy

 ​Oh my word.  I’m in a total tizzy!   The stress level and anxiety has ratcheted up in my life by a gazillion percent. Life is out of control!!!  I have meant to write a few times this last week and just get sidetracked.   But here I am now…and I’ll catch you up and you will probably then understand why life for me is the way it is right now.  (I am in such a tizzy that I posted this in the wrong place!!!!  But hey...better late than never to get it to the right place)


Weight Loss

I had a good week last week.  I wasn’t 100% doing what I needed to do.   Honestly, I tracked less than 50% of the time.  My water consumption was dismal. I mean, those two things are the base of success for me and I messed both of them up.  However, I was a lot more cognizant of my choices.  My lunch choices were much more in line.  I tried to curb the quantity of food I put in my dinner plate in the evening.  (Seriously, I stopped at two slices of pizza last night!   And yeah, I was inordinately proud of myself for that fact.). My weight at my official weigh in was the lowest that it has been in the last few months.  So my feeble efforts in watching and being cognizant was enough…for this week.   


My goal for this week?   Why the two base facets of weight loss (at least for me)  of course.    I am aiming to track all food and to drink at least 64 ounces of water.


Exercise

I am still doing well with my 2022 miles in 2022.   I am consistently riding the bike during the day.  I am not pulling ahead though.   I am getting in about 4 miles on the bike a day….to pull ahead, I need to be getting about 8 miles a day. (Or more).  But I am holding steady on my miles.     We continue to walk every evening after work…so that gives me another mile or two.   However, I’m not sure if I’ll be walking this week.   I was walking in a yard the other day and stumbled in a hole and twisted my foot.  It is a foot that was already bothering me and since then…eiiyiiyii my foot hurts!  Time will tell if it’s well enough to hobble around the neighborhood after work this week.


We have gotten out a few times to hike (also known as mushroom hunting) in the last few weeks.  It feels good to get out into the woods and to watch things start to bud and bloom.



House Hunting

After my last crazy story about the house in my last lost we were once again discouraged but we weren’t letting it stop us.  As I had mentioned we had a few houses lined up for Easter Sunday afternoon.   The first one had a fabulously landscaped yard.  The house was very nice. (A cute cape cod) but was at the top end of our price range.  It was also literally right beside the house and in clear view (I’m saying spitting distance) was a solar farm.  Not exactly pretty.   The fact that this house was already priced at the top end of its value  (even in this crazy market) made us pause because the solar farm would reduce the value of the house.   We liked it and we drove away contemplating the house, but we had some major concerns about that field of solar panels.  (The house had a few issues…nothing major though).   The next house was absolutely disgusting!  The place reeked of mothballs and even with the oh so strong odor of mothballs, it still wasn’t enough to cover the smell of animal pee.   Yes, they had a dog or cat at one point and apparently…we’ll it was just bad.  The floor plan of the house was weird.  The lot was super narrow and long…so not exactly usable. Everything was super old and NOT well maintained.   It was a hard pass.   


From there we drove north into Pennsylvania.  We were going to look at a house a bit further north (by like 15 minutes).  This is the house that checked off the boxes for everything we wanted. Furthermore, I was able to read the disclosures…it had a brand new metal/standing seam roof (well 8 months old), new fridge, new stove, heating/ac and water heater was replaced 2017…amongst other recent repairs.   Most of the big ticket items to ‘go bad’ was already replaced and recently.  Hmmmmm.    We got there and we really liked it.  The extra distance was the only issue.  Everything else was what we wanted.    Oddly enough we ended up meeting the owner, who is a neighbor to the house.  We found out why this house was still on the market after a week.  She told us some more about the house and property, what had been replaced and some history.  We literally spent more than 2 hours there looking at the house, talking to the owner and our realtor had her inspector friend come in and do an informal inspection for us along with her informal inspection. (She also does home inspections on the side.).   We left there and knew that the home owner liked us…and that we had a leg up if we wanted the house. Seriously, the owner flat out said ‘I really really hope you like my house’.  And she later texted my realtor and said ‘they would make great neighbors’.     


So we put an offer in.  The offer was put in at 10:30 on Monday morning.   I was prepared for the couple days of waiting…that had been the norm during the last few offers we put in.  I had an answer by 11:10.  She accepted our offer.   What?????   Oh my word!  I have to say, the emotions were rolling.  I literally cried.


Sooooo… last Monday was full of contract paperwork that I signed with the realtor.  Tuesday started the paperwork with the lender.  Never ending paperwork….little bits here and there.  The appraiser has already inspected the property so the lender should have that hopefully soon.  I have two more documents to upload.  (Last paystub that we just got this weekend and a copy of a check that was written this weekend).  They will be uploaded to the lender this morning (following monday when I wrote that)  at 8AM.    At that point our loan can go to the underwriter.   I am still getting random things to sign and do....but it's all good I guess.


I am totally on pins and needles.  I have watched the houses on the market for the last year.  You see houses go onto the market…change to under contract…then go back active on the market.  I don’t see any reason for our loan to have issues…and in fact the lender that I talked to on Friday said she sees no issues either.  But, until settlement is done and the keys are in my hand I will be on pins and needles.


Settlement…5/16/2021


So I am in the throes of packing…organizing….purging…trying to prepare to vacate our apartment.  (Had to give notice that we were not renewing our lease this week.)


So that is what is happening here.   It was a crazy week. I envision some crazy weeks ahead of us. But I am determined to do it without weight gain!!!!!



Sunday, April 17, 2022

More motivation to bust through the weight loss barrier

Here I am another week has passed and I could have sworn that I promised to get back to really using this forum for my journey, going back to the basics and all that.  Yet, I am not being consistent at all with my posts.  Well, maybe I am being consistent......about once a week.    Either way, I'm here and I am still working on moving forward and making me the best me possible.  But what have I been up to this last week.

Addiction and Weight Loss 

Addiction is a crazy thing.  It hits so many people, but the average person doesn't even realize that they have an addiction.  If it's legal then it's not an addiction right?    Wrong.  I have an addiction to food.  Food is entirely legal....but I eat to feel that amazing feeling ....my own personal high.  There are people that are addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine and any number of things.  Heck, I had a coworker a few years back and she readily said "I have an addiction to chapstick.  I must have pockets in everything I wear and I have to have a tube of chapstick with me....or I panic."   Yup, that's an addiction.   Chapstick, legal and harmless but still and addiction.

So Jason and I were talking about addictions in the last week or so. Of course my food addiction was discussed.  But we also discussed a few of his small (legal) addictions.   He suggested that when I get to my goal weight that he would kick one of them in honor of my herculean effort to control my food addiction.   I looked at him and said, "You are  not getting out of doing a bungee jump you know?"  (no way am I letting him off the hook for his poor challenge/bet.  I want bragging rights in simply telling him that he has to jump, because we all know that I would never make him jump against his will.  But you better believe that I'll remind him of it as long as we live!)    He assured me that this was in ADDITION to that.  Ohhh really?   More motivation.     He then sweetened the pot further when he said, "MaryFran, when you bust 200 pounds (aka get below 200) I will beat my one addiction and when you get to your goal weight I'll do another!"   So here I go.  

I know, I know I know...how many times have I started over. How many times have I said that I am motivated and ready to rock and roll with this weight loss journey.   I feel silly saying it once again.  HOWEVER, I also know that if I don't start over again, as many times as I need, I will never realize my goals and dreams.  So here we go again.  

House Hunting

After last weekend's house tours being cancelled due to the houses being sold before we could get there, I was a bit discouraged.  Seriously, the stars need to align to buy a house in this market!   I am having to work to keep my spirits up during this process.   I believe in the power of prayer and we have been praying.   So the flip side, is that if I believe in the power of prayer then I have to believe that prayers are answered in the best possible way and this process is just there to prepare us for the perfect house.  

I was quite interested in a house that was 'coming soon' for the last two weeks.  The pictures looked fantastic and we got to go tour it last night.  The yard and location was wonderful.  And it went downhill from there.   The detached garage...the soffits were rotting. Literally rotting wood and open and the paint was peeling.   We were actually ok with that...summer project here we come!  We went into the house and we were hit with a musty smell.  The kitchen was small but nice with a  lot of counter space.  Likewise, the dining room was a nice size and it had built in cabinets and a large buffet counter (ha...I'm being nice......we all know that in real life that would be a junk counter).  We opened the french doors in the dining room oand walked out onto the back deck.  The view was great...but oh watch where you step, some of the deck boards were soft and rotting!   Ok, it would probably pass inspection our realtor (who is also a home inspector part time), but would need attention soon.   Hmmmm...   Back inside to the musty smelling house.   The living room with wood stove was pretty standard and nothing caught my eye.  We headed back the hall to the bedrooms.  The hall had nice vinyl flooring (the LVP wood style flooring) and it was nice.  The first bedroom had carpeting and the vinyl hall flooring just stopped and  there was about a 2 inch gap (and dip) before the carpet started.  Weird.  The room was nice though.   Back to the hall and into the second bedroom.  This was also LVP flooring...a different tone than the hallway...and the 1 inch gap between the two floors was visible .  It wasn't a bad bedroom...At that point though I hear Jason snort...he was done with the house.  Ha.  I kept looking on.  We went to the third 'bedroom'......different floor and another one inch gap between the floors.  This floor actually felt soft when we walked on it.   This 'bedroom' had been converted to a laundry room and a half bath had been added in this room.   The half bath....yup, different floor and another one inch gap.  Ohhh and no bathroom door.  HA.   OK, so the one inch gaps could have been easily fixed simply by adding threshholds.  HOnestly, and easy fix.  But it emphasized to us that repairs and upgrades were 'half-assed' in this house and to beware!   The house had lots of storage closest and a pantry.   So even though Jason was mostly done with the house, we headed down to the basement....and the musty moldy smell got worse!  There were no lights in the basement that we could find.......on purpose?  I can't help but suspect that is the case.  Using our phones as flashlights, we inspected.  The basement was finished....but we found evidence of drywall that had been replaced at one point and we found evidence of drywall that seemed a bit damp.  Well then.   In case you didn't catch the underlying answer, that house was a hard pass.

So today we are heading out to a few more houses.  Yes, on Easter Sunday.  Hey, we are working around our schedule and our realtors schedule.   Per the pictures, one of the houses could best be described by saying "the 70's called, they want their house back"  Another one I would say "you must have picked up your trim paint from the 'oops we made the wrong color shelf at Lowes".  We are going to see a house that looks adorable....but is at the top end of our price range.  And we are looking at one house in a neighboring state....a bit further for Jason...but it has everything on our list must haves and even everything on our list of 'it would be nice to have".   Time will tell......pictures make everything look nice.  (Well, not really.   We went to the house that smelled like dirty butt....and the pictures made it look bad....I was hoping that it was just the fact that there were beds everywhere in the pictures and that the pictures were just bad......but nope, that one was bad!)

Life

Life is going ok.  We live our weekdays just waiting for the evenings and weekends when we are together and enjoying life. It feels horrible wishing our lives away. But until the work situation changes, it is what it is.   I don't like my job any better.  But I am trying to focus on the positive....I have a job.  I am working from home.  It might be a toxic environment, but I am blessed to have a job that allows us to live comfortably.  

The pets are doing well.  Kiwi the bird enjoys life and he counts down until evenings and weekends when he is allowed out of his cage.  While I'm at work he stays in his cage right by my office door.  He is my supervisor I guess. Kiwi will occasionally antagonize the cat....he does fly by's and buzzes her.     Mertz, the cat  is still the diva of the house.  She gets a bit jealous when kiwi gets attention.  She does tolerably well with the bird. We closely monitor them when they are together though. The crabs are....well hermit crabs and somewhat boring. But still fun.   Life would definitely be boring without our pets. 




Tuesday, April 12, 2022

Holding Steady

​Holding steady.  That’s the best way to put it.  I’m holding steady in every aspect of life.  Weight, house hunting, work.  Sometimes ready is good, but in some things I would like forward progress…but hey…holding steady is better than going backwards.


Holding Steady in House Hunting


We had only two houses to look at this past weekend.  Both were sold before we could even tour them.   So we had a weekend off from house hunting.   I wasn’t overly upset.  They weren’t houses that I was ‘in love with’ and anxious to see.  Furthermore, I pray that we make the right decision, that the decision is a no brainer.  So I am relying on my faith…a LOT.   But swing things sell so quickly just shows how crazy the market is at the moment.  


I sometimes wonder if we are insane for looking at the moment.  But our rent will most likely be going up…by 400 dollars (if the apartment complex website is any indication).    Our rent was already on the high side.  Decisions decisions decisions!


So no change in the house hunting.  Holding steady.  


Slow and steady at work

Work is much the same.  Nothing much is happening.  I’m not exactly happy.  It is still a very toxic work environment.  It is still a demoralizing and demeaning experience where we are made to feel inferior and inept. (Seriously…as a real life example….one process has two instructional documents …each give totally different instructions.  An associate sends a daily email with yet different directives.  I spoke with a supervisor and got yet another direction.  Which to follow?  Because if I do it one way I am told how wrong I am…but if I do option two it is also wrong…same with option three and four.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.   It’s insane!)


But….even with work being this way, I am really trying to not dwell on it.  I am trying to go to work with a mindset of…. It’s  just a job…do your 8 hours.  Do your job and don’t focus on the back and forth and all around directions.  Block out the negative. Laugh off the disorganization and resulting ‘you were wrong’ talks.   Taking that mentality has helped.  Still not fun.  But it has helped.  So work is holding steady.


Weight loss is holding

My weight is holding also.   Quite literally.  Each week my official weigh in is the same…week in and week out. 

That’s good.  But it’s also not what I want!  First of all.  I have my own little ‘Geronimo’ challenge/ bet going with Jason!   I want to win!


But let’s be honest.  I want to lose the weight because I am tired of being fat.  I’m tired of feeling this way.  I want to be healthy!!!  So holding steady is NOT good enough!!! 





Wednesday, April 06, 2022

Things are topsy turvy crazy

 LIfe is crazy!  That should be enough said.  Life is crazy!  From house hunting to weight loss to crazy dreams.  It' all nuts!

House Hunting

We spent some more time this weekend and saw some houses that we really liked.  One in particular.  We REALLY lilked it. It had the a few acres and trees (which Jason and I both would love to have)   It had not just a fireplace, but also a woodstove (Jason's wish list).  It had a hot tub (which is on my wish list so every house we look at, I look for a location to add a hot tub).  It had what we wanted.   So of course, we made an offer.   It's so difficult to wait until the offer is reviewed and either accepted or rejected.  This is not the first house where we placed an offer.  The waiting doesn't get any easier after the first.  Honestly, it is probably worse, since you already have first hand experience.  But we placed our offer this past weekend and then waited.   We did everything we could to make our offer look good.  We had an escalation clause to bump up our offer if needed in order to be the highest offer......to a certain limit that we were willing to pay.  We wrote a heartfelt letter to include.  We did it all.    Monday evening we got the text.

The answer?   The seller went with another offer.  

Yes, we were/are bummed out.  It is frustrating.  The market is insane.  At the houses we toured last weekend at each house we saw the people touring the house right before us and the people touring right after us.  The tours were booked that tight and solid.   It seems a bit hopeless.....almost insurmountable.  Yet people ARE buying and getting their offers accepted.   So with that said, we keep looking.

The house hunting process has been stressful for me.  I'm a worrier.  I stress about making the right decision, the offer, the wait, the aspect of moving, the process of the lease that we are in...everything.  SO I have had some sleepless nights.  That part of this has been no fun either!   I told Jason that I will probably be a nervous wreck until we have signed on the dotted line, moved our stuff into a new place and handed the keys back to our current apartment complex.

Crazy Dreams

As if being stressed about buying a house and having issues sleeping  as your mind races isn't bad enough, I have been having some nights recently where I have been having dreams.  They are dreams that I am back in a relationship with my ex-husband.  They are dreams that emphasize the emotions that I lived with daily during my marriage with him.  (At least the end of the marriage......like the last half if not more.)   Last night I dreamed that I had left him and then I went back.  In my dream I was blown away at the pain and disappointment in my parents eyes.  (As if dreaming about the sadness of my previous marriage isn't enough...my dad made an appearance in the dream....my dad who passed away 4.5 years ago and seeing my dad in my dreams always messes me up.) In this dream I had gone back and  I struggled to move around the house, but everything that was in the house that was mine was broken, covered with dirt, decrepit.  My ex's stuff was all pristine and well kept.  And in seeing that, I saw the undervalue of myself in that marriage.  I didn't matter what I did during my marriage, I was not important and the dream highlighted that.  As I slept, those heavy weighted feelings and emotions drove me down.  What a load I was carrying back then that I am reliving during my dreams.  Because while they return to me in a dream, they are well known from my time in that marriage.  The emotions of a dream where the dreammimics real life events that you have lived are hard to put into their place.  Because these emotions are based on memories.  Memories that I would sooner forget.  But yet, after these dreams I find myself in tears and reliving the sadness and pain of those times.   

I don't know what is causing the dreams.....very odd I tell you!

Weight Loss

I am maintaining.  That is a good thing!  Through the stress of house hunting and getting our offers rejected and all of that, I am maintaining!  

The bad thing?  I'm NOT losing!  

So why am I NOT losing?  Well, because I haven't tracked a bit of food in WEEKS!  I am cognizant most of the time what I am eating, but the longer I go without tracking, the more food  creeps into my day.   Honestly, most days aren't too bad.  I'm not eating a ton of stuff.  But I know that I am eating more than I should......not if I want to be losing weight!  I'm disgusted with myself!  I feel bloated and icky and like a failure. (man, this weight thing keeps doing that to me doesn't it?)

I keep saying 'enough is enough'....but I  keep failing.  This has to end.  The question is what end is it going to be?  I know I know, I know.  I hold the cards and I can write the next chapter to my book (which will affect the end) anyway I want!   

Sooooooo, crazy life happenings here.  Some of the craziness I don't have control over.  I can only chose how I will react to the craziness......so how will I react? 

1.  I am vowing to continue to rely on my prayers and my faith that the perfect house will come alone in the perfect time for us.

2.  I am vowing to now let the memories of those bad years in my life affect me.  I will remember them and then thank God every day for the healthy relationship that I have with Jason

3.  I will stop being lackidaisical with my weight.  At the point where I am in life, not trying has the same damaging effect as eating like a mad woman!  So TRY TRY TRY....never give up.  (and that means tracking...like NOW!)

Life won't beat me! 



Tuesday, March 29, 2022

Dirty Butt and Weight Loss

​I have been meaning to write.  Honest engine!    But life is not slowing down.  It is crazy.  No, we haven’t found our dream house yet….but not for lack of trying! And wow…just wow!   As if the house hunting isn’t enough angst….weight loss is not moving in the right direction.  Honestly, the stress and worry is not doing wonders for my weight loss efforts.  I have long admitted I wear my stress…..and that is holding true!


So let’s start with the house hunting!

We have been touring houses!  A few here and there.   It seems as if the longer we search the worse the houses get.  I kid you not.   At the very onset of house hunting we saw multiple houses that interested us and we even put in an offer on one of them.  But the last house hunting mission has  been the pits.  We saw a house that was so damp and wet in the finished basement that all the doors in the basement were swollen and would only open a crack, and I struggled to get my oversized  body into some of those rooms.  Or the roof that according to the listing was only 6 months old but was obviously older and leaking!  Yes! The attic area rafters were so wet and rotten that if you touched the wood you got a handful of rotten wood that would fall away.   No thank you.  Maybe I should talk about the house that was filled with beds.  Every room.  The people didn’t vacate and all sat on their beds staring at us as we walked through.  And my word.  The house reeked of dirty butt.  I know…I know, you can clean  and paint over dirty.  And I am open to that. But that house also had some major issues with the structure.   Let’s see, there was the house that was absolutely fantastic.  Tons of space (over 3000 square feet) and huge rooms.  But it ended up being in a bad neighborhood (which I suspected before we went…but I was hoping it would have been a half mile or so further down the road in a much nicer area.)  still don’t believe me?   Maybe the house that had space heaters because the furnace was inspected a few days earlier and had been inoperable and unsafe. Wow.


We are open to cleaning and some minor painting.  But we will be tapped out financially for a bit (gonna use most of not all of my accessible savings for down payment and closing costs) and can’t afford a ‘fixer upper’ that needs immediate repairs.    Our realtor is fantastic.   She works part time as a home inspector.  So she points out little things that we would most likely miss.  She doesn’t push to talk about how wonderful these pieces of junk houses are.  She points out features and either tells us things like Ohhh look at this…that is - new furnace….or ohhhh that looks like it could be a problem.     


So I know that my prayers will be answered and that the perfect home for us is out there and will be revealed in the perfect time.  But I have to admit that I am really having to constantly remind myself to keep the faith and believe.


Weight loss

So what is happening with my weight loss?   Absolutely nothing.   I have been indulging.  Nothing way out of control.  But I’m not perfectly inline with where I need to be either.  Tracking you ask, what’s that?  64 ounces of water?  You have to be kidding me!  I’m not doing what I know needs to be done.   Luckily my weight is fluctuating in the same 2-3 pound range and I haven’t gained crazily.  But I’m not losing either!


I know that stress is driving me towards the food. And while understandable, it is not ok.   But then the vicious cycle starts.  I eat and feel stuffed and guilty and like a failure and that just makes me turn to food to assuage my emotions.  Which in turn brings more angst.  And then I think again about house hunting and you got it, I turn toward food.   Luckily I don’t eat every time I turn toward food.  But the desire is in my head. It’s my comfort and my mind craves that comfort in these times of stress and upset.  I don’t always cave…I sometimes can stand firm.    Either way, I’m not doing the greatest.  Luckily this far I’ve been able to at least hold steady…but I have to make the change and fix myself…my mind in terms of food and my weight!


So that is the scoop!   Crazy times.  House hunting and work…(which is also still crazy but I’m really working on not letting it get to me…not an easy task but I’m trying).  Life is crazy and while we sometimes don’t have any control over the speed that this rollercoaster of life brings to us.  What we do have control over is how we react to the dips and valleys.  That is what I need to focus on.  Remembering to rely on my faith and belief in the power of prayer is one thing.  The other thing is to stop feeding my emotions…and hopefully if I stop feeding the emotions literally my mind will get with the program and stop dreaming about feeding my emotions!








Tuesday, March 22, 2022

Life’s Rollercoaster

​Life is one big rollercoaster.  Ups and downs.  Valleys and highs.  Craziness around every corner.  Sometimes the rollercoaster is a gentle one.  Serenely allowing you to see the passing scenery without to many crazy dives.  But sometimes the rollercoaster is intense.  There is nothing serene about this rollercoaster ride.  It takes you from highs to lows alarmingly fast.  It twists and turns and leaves you feeling out of control.  I am very much so on a wild life rollercoaster right now.


House Hunting

Have you taken a look at the housing market lately?  It is crazy!   We see a house go on the market on Monday and by Wednesday, Friday at the latest it is sold.  I have arrived at a house went on the market in the morning and I was lucky enough to get an appointment at 11AM….and when I arrived, the house already had a bid on it!  How crazy is that?  When they receive a bid. They leave the bids open for 2-3 more days…to encourage multiple bids….so you want your bid to stand out and look good.  How can you do that?  One way is a bidding war of course.  They are asking one price…offer more and put in a stipulation that you will go higher and how high you will go. (It will increase 1k increments).   Many people are waiving all inspections.  Does the furnace actually work?  Who knows…. What about the air conditioner, the appliances do they work?  Does the roof leak?  Is the septic system leaking and needing replaced? Without an inspection you are taking a huge risk.   But people are going without inspections right and left!  Crazy I tell you!  Oh and let me mention again that if you see a house that you like, you better make an offer that day…that minute.  I know it’s a big purchase but you just don’t have time to think about it.  Split second decions.


So we are actively house hunting.  Touring and looking.  Dreaming and thinking.  Jason does not do well with split second decisions….he likes to ponder and think.  It’s who he is and how he operates for any purchase he makes.  Me, well I worry and ponder the money issue.  I’m better at split second decisions…but I panic and ponder and worry about the financial end.  So you can see the rollercoaster dips and valleys that we are encountering.


About a week ago we saw a house pop up on the market. We made an appointment.  We liked the house.  We liked it enough to actually put in a bid.  The roller coaster of life picked up speed and intensity.  And then the rollercoaster rolled and twisted….our offer was turned down and a different offer accepted. 


Sure we were bummed out. I won’t lie and say any different.  But I will say that we have been praying for the perfect house…in the perfect time for us.  So we are trusting God and saying that the house was not for us.  We started hunting again.  We haven’t seen anything again that interests us enough to put in a bid…but we are certainly looking.


The rollercoaster ride of house buying continues.  If we want to buy a house, the rollercoaster ride will continue….and I accept that it will be an intense ride.  Because I well know the thrill, excitement and happiness of a great rollercoaster ride!


Weight loss

I restarted a few weeks ago on this weight loss journey.   I was committed and I saw success the first week!   The second week I went backwards, although I was sure that it was due to my monthly ick.  Week three I was able to recoup week two’s gain and even lose a bit.   But week four….the house hunting rollercoaster threw me into a tailspin.  I stopped tracking and while I was still making healthier choices, I wasn’t on 100% on track.  So week four I went backwards again in my journey.  I won’t even pretend that it was anything other than my fault.  


I am still clinging to the ‘Geronimo’ motivation.  I want to win this badly!   I want the bragging rights.  


But I know to get those bragging rights, I need to be consistent with my efforts.  I know how to lose weight.  It may be harder and slower the older I get, but I know how to do it.  I just need to do it!!!  Right now my weight loss journey is a crazy with highs and lows.  I am the one that can change this rollercoaster to a nice serene coaster…I have control of this rollercoaster!


We all experience the rollercoaster of life.  Right now I’m on the crazy intense ride.  But that’s ok.   Because the crazy intense rides that are full of flips and twists and turns are the ones that sometimes  elicit the best responses and feelings.   The roller coaster of life is the same.  The intense life rides are the ones that bring change and are the spark for us to improve ourselves.  

Saturday, March 12, 2022

Over the Hump

​I am hoping that I am over the hump of the slump that naturally occurs during a weight loss journey.   The hump for me is usually in that second  to third week of loss.  It’s that point where the excitement of the journey starts to wear off and the sheer immensity of the journey I am (once again) embarking upon hits me.  But I crossed over that hump and I’m on the other side still intact!


Week Three of my Weight Loss Journey 

Last week I wrote about my week two.  It was a seesaw of emotions for sure.  I was spot on with my efforts but the weight didn’t come back off!  In fact, I regained what I had lost in week one!  Can we say frustrating?  I tried to remind myself that my monthly  cycle was to blame (and I use the word monthly as it is more like every two months at this point….just come on and end already!).    But even knowing how my body reacts to my cycle, I was still discouraged.  I didn’t let up though.  No, I stayed the course!

I rolled into week three determined to stay strong and stay the course.  I am convinced that  my plan of lots of fruit and veggies and my weekend calorie goal of 1500 or under and my weekday calorie goal of 1300 or under is solid and a good one for me.  A nice balance of splurge and restriction.  And even though that 1500 (for me) won’t let me lose a lot of weight…it should at least keep me from gaining.  Yes for me, I typically struggle to even maintain my weight with any calorie intake 1500 or above.    I stayed strong over the weekend.  And on Monday my weight rigged itself back to what my previous weeks weigh in number had been.  I let out a huge sigh of relief and vowed to settle in for a work week of healthy eating.


I would love to say that my weekdays were all perfect. However there was a cheese incident.   One day for lunch I went to cut a slice of cheese to have with my lunch….totally accounted for and budgeted into my caloric budget.  But it tasted so delicious and I lost control of my addiction.  I didn’t lose control that day.  No I held myself to the single slice of cheese.  It was the next day that I lost control.  I ate my lunch and I did not have cheese on the plan but all I could think about was that cheese and how good it was.  I caved and had some cheese….and then some more…and well, I  ate around 500 calories of cheese!  I say around…I was eating out of control.  No counting, weighing or measuring.      I pulled myself out of my madness though.  It was a single incident during the work week.


Emotional Wreck

Jason and I went house hunting and toured some houses with our realtor.  We saw one that we liked, but there are some reservations. We are not moving on it.  The realtor advised us that that house will move fast (almost everything is selling within days).  Since we were not in love with it, we are holding off.  We are praying for the right house for us.  And in those prayers, if that is the right house, then we are praying that for whatever reason it won’t sell quickly.     I enjoyed our day of looking at houses…but stressed about finding a house and everything involved.


Work is continuing to totally stress me out.  Really badly! I am not even going to go into it the particulars.  Bad enough that I’m not able to sleep some nights with worry and the stress.  Some of their actions make me feel as if my job is no longer secure.  The things they ask us to do is near impossible.  And the instructions they give are faulty and if you ask you get three different answers, and if you ask for clarification well…it doesn’t go well.  (I’ve been reprimanded for pushing for clarification on something that was unclear and/or obviously incorrect….I’ve been on the team longer than most of my superiors…so know the program inside and out…and some of them seem to like to answer questions, not by saying ‘I don’t know but let me check’ but by making a decision on how they think we should proceed without checking with our clients or their coworkers. And in ways that I know will not work along side of other directives that we have been given).


Yesterday while we were house hunting we ended up driving through Sharpsburg, the town I lived in when I was previously married. We drove by my old home.  (My word he has it looking like some hillbilly place with junk out in the yard….ha). But that drive by sparked the conversation and memories.  And not the good memories…the negative.  And I started to cry…and couldn’t stop.  The mental /emotional abuse has obviously left scars that are still tender, just buried deep.  The biggest thing that I realized…it’s all making more and more sense.  I am just a doormat.  I am a bit of a doormat For this person in my life that I love (and I know they love me in their own way) that occasionally hurls negative comments at me.  Work that keeps pushing more and more work on me….yet seems to delight in telling me how I’m not doing enough or doing so much wrong.  (In fairness, most of my coworkers that are in my position feel the same way so this is not myself.   But I’m a doormat for my employer and they wipe their feet on my frequently.   I was a doormat for my ex husband for sure.     It wasn’t a pleasant revelation.   Even worse…..I have no clue how to not be.  I am just me…and apparently ‘me’ is a easy target for doormat status.


Week Three Weigh In

I had my official weigh in for my third week of this newest phase of my weight loss journey.  I wasn’t expecting much.  I have been up and down all week.  But step on the scales I did.  After all, I do it every day AND I needed to weigh in for my official weekly weigh in.  I am not a proponent of skipping a weigh in simply because I suspect it may be bad.  I want to see how bad so I can celebrate the next week when I see that ‘hopefully’ temporary gain disappear.  So even though I didn’t expect greatness, I stepped on the scale!  Ahhh I couldn’t believe my eyes.

I lost!  The weight that I had temporarily gained last week (most likely due to my cycle of ick) was gone.   Not only was that weight gone…but another pound had disappeared!   In total, during the last three weeks I have lost 4.7 pounds.  I’ll take it!!


I don’t know the answer to the Maryfran is a doormat problem, but I’m going to work on it.  My weight loss journey isn’t just about losing physical pounds.  It is about losing the pounds of baggage that I carry within me. It is about making me healthy inside and out.  I’m heading into week four of this new phase of my weight loss journey.  I’m excited to see what week four will bring me.   There may be more tears.  There may be sweat.  There may be less food than what I WANT.  But I know that I am planning to give it my all!  And in the back of my mind…I’m saying Geronimo!  Because yes, I have a real live goal/motivation!

Monday, March 07, 2022

See-Saw of Weight Loss

​The seesaw of a weight loss loss journey is absolutely crazy!   One one hand,  this last week of losing weight was an absolute victory!   But on the other hand, Losing weight was an absolute failure…but then on second thought, maybe it wasn’t so much of a failure.  Win or lose, who knows?


Victory in Weight loss

I just completed week two of my restart and recommitment to weight loss. Week two is sometimes the most difficult one for me.  The first week I am gung ho and full of hope, but by week two the long term aspect of this journey has hit and I falter. I am so proud to say that I rolled through week two with flying colors!   I kept my calories totally in check!   Once again, During the week I kept my calories under 1300 calories and during the weekend I kept it under 1500.  This is working for me.  I feel as if I am ‘splurging’ on those weekends with those extra calories, but those extra calories allow me to go out to eat and/or indulge in a small dessert. But that splurge is not breaking the bank or rather breaking the scale! 


I have  been keeping this ‘poorly made’ (on Jasons part) bet/challenge  in my mind.   I have been saying (mostly in my head) ‘Geronimo’ when I am thinking about food and indulging in something that is not within my food budget.   Yes, I am that competitive, even though there is like a 100% chance that I won’t really make Jason jump if/when the time comes.  But I will definitely hold it over his head, probably forever!   I’ll be 99 years old and saying ‘maybe I’ll make you jump this year….because you know; I won!  It’s that thrill that I am fighting for… not so much to actually make him jump.  Although you know….maybe he will willingly face his fear and jump!  :-)


So I mentioned poorly made bet?  Yes, Jason realized that his bet was poorly made…..the next morning when his buzz had worn off!  (I have no shame….I very willingly made a bet when I knew he had a few beers in him!  I on the other hand was completely sober!). He has tried to backtrack and add in a time limit for me to complete my weight loss.  He has also tried to add in something equally ferocious for me to face should I not lose this weight.  But I just keep reminding him that we shook hands on the deal and you can’t go back and unshake our hands or change  the rules after the fact.  And I’m pretty sure that it’s obvious that I’m not interested in adding amendments to our agreement….why would I?  :-)   So yeah, when we were out getting lunch the other day and I was looking at calories and different options, he was looking at me and I just gleefully said ‘geronimo!’    I’m having fun with it!


Trying to get back to being active

We have been so lazy lately.  We are taking lots of lazy weekends.  Very little exercise.  It’s no wonder, the weather has  been cold and icky!  Each weekend we say ‘next weekend we are getting outside’!  But…you know how those vows usually work out, they don’t!    But this weekend the weather here in Maryland was fabulous.  We were running errands and on Saturday we walked through a park.  We didn’t have a whole lot of time…so it was short but we got out!   This ugly duck has always been one of my favorites…but his eyes…Poor old guy can’t see well!


On Sunday we started lazy…but we knew what the weather was supposed to be so we got ourselves outside.  We went to the canal and walked for a few hours.  It felt good to be outside.  My legs felt so tired after walking for a few hours.  But, it was awesome to see some green start to pop up here and there!


I have continued to ride the exercise bike every work day! I’m not too far ahead of schedule with miles for my 2022 mile challenge but I’m definitely not behind…right on schedule!   We also continue to walk every evening for about 25-30 minutes. 

Work and House Hunting Stress

I’m gearing up for another work week of fun.  We (I) have tried to change and tried to talk to managers…to no avail. I do get my breaks…just usually quite delayed.  (One day I got my break literally at 4:15 and I get off at 4:30.   And I only got it because I put my foot down and said ‘I’ve been asking to take my break since 2:30 and I leave in 15 minutes.”   They knew they had no choice other than to give me the break.     I am hanging on.  We are in house buying mode.  Changing jobs at this point would really mess up the pre approval and all of that stuff!  But when we have signed a loan and settled in, I will have nothing tying me to this job!

We are continually looking at houses.  Went through one this past weekend and hope to see a few new ones that are coming onto the market this next weekend.  We also still have a for sale by owner house that we are interested in.  We have toured that and expressed our interest.  The owners are having some work done, but were unable/unwilling  to give us a price of what they are asking and wanting to get for the house.   So we are in limbo with that.  If we knew that the price was in the range that we want to pay we would settle back and wait patiently. But…who knows! I know what it will most likely go for.  But that doesn’t mean they won’t ask some outrageous price.


Weight Loss Journey Weigh In

I had my official weigh in this past weekend and here is the other side of the weight loss seesaw.  I was so proud of myself to have a fabulous week with tracking and staying on plan.  But when I stepped on the scale for my official weigh in, I was up.  Like literally everything I lost  during my first week of being back on track had come back!  I kept telling myself ‘it’s water retention due to your out of what  cycle’. But even saying that is doesn’t take away the frustration and hopelessness that one feels when you see that  a week of great efforts meant nothing on the scales and in fact garnered a gain!  

I didn’t allow myself to stop though.  I kept telling myself, ‘stay the course and your efforts WILL pay off’.  I kept my calories at my weekend goal level all weekend, I didn’t let up!


This morning I woke up and like normal I stepped on the scale.  Not for my official weigh in, but just for a wee little check on progress (I weight daily…but only count one specific day as my official weigh in…this works for me.). I was soooo happy to see that my weight went back down to what it was before this last seesaw week.   Can I hope that I can get back to losing???   


The seesaw was crazy during this week of weight loss efforts.  Pride in my weight loss efforts fought with the frustration at the numbers on the scale.  The question is, what won that battle?  What won  was the drive to succeed and to make week three a great weight loss week!  The drive to see the results of week three!   So watch out, I’m planning on hopping off the seesaw.  I’m planning on having a spectacular week of efforts coupled with an amazing weight loss!!

Wednesday, March 02, 2022

Having fun…..Or Not

​Are we having fun yet?  I’m not so sure I am!   Work is not fun.  My stress levels are not so much fun.  Oh and let’s not forget that my weight loss journey is not fun at all!   I’m not having fun in life right now am I?


Work fun (sarcastic fun)

Work has been absolutely insane lately.   We are crazy busy.   There is not enough time in the day to complete what they ask of us.  So we are left with two options.  1.  Come in early/stay late/work through our breaks…off the clock.  Or 2.  Have this manager or another manager constantly asking about why such and such isn’t done.   We (my coworkers) are constantly being belittled and micromanaged by the people in positions above us. We are singly called out for things that either everyone is doing or is something that they are just announcing to the whole team that you didn’t do….even though it isn’t due until that work day, it’s only 8:30 and you just arrived at 8am.  We have to literally ask to go to the bathroom…take a break….or go to lunch.  I have had a break scheduled at 9:30 AM that I wasn’t allowed to take until 11:15.   Not much that we do is good enough.  It’s terrible and causes quite a bit of stress. I wake up with nightmares about this job.  (And it’s not just me…two coworkers have started taking anxiety meds. Another told me about how she can’t sleep at night worrying about this job.   A different one just called out sick and told me how she just laid in bed depressed and upset about this job.).  


House Hunting Fun

We are house hunting.  We are pre approved and ready to go.  But have you taken a look at the housing market recently?  It’s nuts!  Our lease is up in July and I’m already panicked about the switch over…I’m stressed about finding something in time so we have a place to live…but not too early because we can’t afford paying a mortgage and rent both!  Can we find something that makes both of us happy?   I’m just worried.  


Weight loss Fun

Weight loss just sucks some time!  Last week I watched my calories so closely and I did amazing.  My calories were right where I planned.  


I actually aim for the 1280 mark and my average for the week was spot on!  I actually lost a fair amount of weight at my official weigh in.   3.6 pounds to be exact.


And then this week started….  No my calories have been 100% in check since my weight in day (which was Saturday).   A bit higher on weekend but still in my lose zone!


Yet my weight this week popped back up to my starting weight.   Yes, you read that right.  That 3.6 pound weight loss that I showed last Saturday…the pounds that I saw slowly disappearing all through last week came back.  


Yes, I weight in daily.  I know that there are normal fluctuations and I only count my weekly weigh in as the official one.  But the daily weigh in keeps me on track and on target.  It’s disheartening to see the weight pop up and then look at the calories and know that I am being 100% on track!   (And I’m drinking my water too!)


I’m not giving up.  It’s only Wednesday.  My body has until Saturday to ‘get with the program’.  I will keep eating right.  The scales will catch up with my efforts…eventually.   Is it stress affecting my weight.  Could be.  Is it hormones affecting my weight?  (Yes, my cycle is all whacked out …I’m at that age you know.). Could be.  Could my body just be doing it’s own dang thing?  Could be.   But the bottom line is that I am doing what is right and good for my body…..and I will continue!


No giving up!!


Saturday, February 26, 2022

I've got this!

 I have now managed to make it exactly one week in this new weight loss journey!  I have experienced the highs and lows of losing weight all within this first week.  I have gathered my motivation and I managed to make it through a complete week and still feel just as strong today as I did a week ago!  But did I lose weight?

It was a week ago that I wrote about how I want to change my weight so badly.  I also wrote about how I realized that if I wanted my weight to change that I would need to change myself.  I can't expect to get different results from the same actions.  I have been on this journey for a LOT of years (Seriously....it's been a little over 15 years since I started this site!  WOW)  During those years I have learned a lot about my body and how I lose weight.  So making my plan of attack to change myself so that my weight would change was easy.  

      1. Track my food…RELIGIOUSLY!

      2.  Water….64 ounces as bare minimum

      3.   Calories UNDER 1450 at least 6 days a week!

     4.  Forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps!

     5.  40 miles of exercise/movement a week (this is the minimum I need for my 2022 mile challenge.

     6.  Work to add additional formal exercise into my week.  I’m not sure yet how/when/where but stay tuned.

So How did I do?  I am proud to say that I nailed my goals for the week!  I tracked every bite and nibble that I put into my mouth.  I actually didn't put anything into my mouth until it WAS tracked.  I planned out my days and managed my calories accordingly!  On the weekend where I struggle a bit more with eating, I allowed myself to be at the high end of where I want my calories to be.  But on the weekday's I was lower.   Water you may ask?   NO problem.  I wasn't much above the 64 ounces some days, but I managed to consume my bare minimum.   The miles for the challenge?   Done!    I didn't have any major misstep or mistake, so I didn't have to practice forgiveness for that.  But I did remind myself frequently that I was allowed to live and that means that an indulgence is allowed on occasion if it is accounted for and if it is not ALL the time. 

I did not manage to get any additional formal exercise in.  That is where I struggled.  But that is ok also, it gives me room for growth and improvement!

So where in the world am I at after one week of staying the course and actually changing myself and my behaviors?    I am proud to say that I lost 3.6 pounds!  Yes.  3.6!!!!    I was hoping for 5 for my first week back...but I'm more than ok with 3.6.

Onward to week two!  I did it for one week....and I can do it for a second week!  I've got this!



Wednesday, February 23, 2022

I must win!

I think I found a great long term motivation to lose weight.     I made a challenge of sorts with Jason last night.....there will be a reward/punishment when I reach my goal weight (180 pounds).   We shook on it and I'm now determined to win my prize!   

I am very competitive.....very competitive!   This was evidenced with a few challenges that Jason and I had with running back in 2016.   You see back in 2016 I was running a lot!  Jason made the comment that he would like to start running...he hadn't run in years.   Somehow, we made a bet /challenge.   Whoever ran the most miles in a week would be the winner and be able to claim the prize.   And let me tell you, the prize was a doozy!  (Jason may have had a few beers in him at that point!)  I was determined to win!  I would push myself to make sure that I was ahead of him. I did everything I could to make sure I won!  (Nothing underhanded! I wanted to win fair and square.)  I didn't want to be the loser on that bet!    I worked hard and I won! When I say that the losers fee was a doozy.....I am not kidding around!  It was a HUGE doozy!  In fact, it is so huge and so preposterous that I doubt I will EVER demand payment.  But even today....5 years later, I still remind him that I can still claim my prize at any time!  You see, I won the bragging rights....and those bragging rights will last a lifetime!   We did multiple running bets around that time.....and I lost some and won some.  We had a lot of fun with it!  And it REALLY works for me because I am so competitive.

So, what is this big bet?

Last night Jason and I were watching some back episodes of this seasons of The Amazing Race.  In the episode we were watching, the contestants were taken to a large (high) dam and had to bungee jump off the bridge.  You could see the fear in some of the contestants' eyes, body language and words. We giggled and Jason freely admitted that if we were in that position, that would be him.  You see, he is not a big fan of heights.  Sure, we hike up mountains and check out overlooks!   I have posted tons posts about our hikes. But Jason does not get to the edge....and endeavors to keep me as far from the edge as possible.  There is no standing near the edge....or even sitting!  (Which is actually ok with me as I have proven that I am not the nimblest on my feet!  



But as we watched these contestants jumping....we talked and discussed the concept.  Could we do it if we had to??   I bit my togue because I almost said "When I reach my goal weight, I will do it!"  I laughed about it internally for a few minutes and then told Jason what I had almost said.   We laughed and somehow...someway it turned into a challenge.  "When MaryFran reaches her goal weight Jason will bungee jump".    Ohhh weee!!!!!!  How exciting!     We nailed down how much weight I have to lose and we agreed on the 180 pounds I had been at (doctor recommended weight) when I made Lifetime at Weight Watchers as my goal weight.  And at that point, I held out my hand for the handshake.  He hesitated.....but he shook on it!   (Oh Jason....you shouldn't make bets/challenges  when you have had a few beers!!!!)

So the bet is on!  I Will win this bet!  I may not ever make him actually do it.  (Remember, I have another bet that I have no intention on collecting but I LOVE to hold it over his head....and he knows I won't collect...but it is still fun to 'own' it!)   But maybe...I will collect my bet this time.  And maybe...just maybe I will do my own jump!

Either way...I have about 70-75 pounds to lose.....because I WANT those bragging rights as the winner!



Monday, February 21, 2022

I am…..

​I am having the most conflicting feelings about my weight loss journey…well the last two days have been totally conflicting!   I feel empowered.   I feel sad.  I feel proud.  I feel scared.


I feel proud 

It is no secret that I have been struggling with my weight loss efforts for a while.  I have wanted to lose weight.  The desire has never waned!  It’s the motivation, the perseverance where I have issues.  The process of actually DOING is what I struggle with.  I have told myself over and over again that I will start on Monday!   Or ‘tomorrow’.  I even make plans, ‘next time I get food from here I will order such and such…but for TODAY I’m getting what I really want to eat’.  I have pushed off my efforts for months now.  


On Friday I knew that enough was enough. I wrote a post about how if I want change to happen (losing weight) that I must change myself so that change CAN happen. (See post here.). I was afraid to hit publish on that post though.  Seriously…I haven’t kept my word how many times!  And oh my word, I’ve babbled endlessly about how weekends are so difficult for me!  I tend to eat more food.  I tend to overindulge.  I tend to gain weight over the weekends…then spend the whole work week trying to lose the weight that I gained over the weekend.  It really is a vicious cycle.  So you can imagine how I was hesitant to hit publish on something stating that I was going to restart and how I was going to change…at the beginning of the weekend!   But I did post it.  And I did start my change right then and there.  I tracked..I managed…I had a great weekend with eating.  How did I relay perfectly?  Of course not.  I still had my weekend sweet treat indulgence.   Did I manage my calories like a budget?  Yes!   I cut out stuff and got smaller sizes of other stuff…and I ate according to my food budget! I remained in budget with my eating!!!   I did it on a weekend!  I was strong!  I am proud!


I am Scared

With the strong start I had over the weekend, comes the fear.  Been there, done this before.  How many strong starts have I had?  How many times have I made vows.  How many times have I tracked?   What makes this different?  And with those thoughts come the scared feelings.  I’m scared I will fail once again.   I’m scared of having to come back on here yet again and say ‘I messed up’.  I’m scared of my own errors and human traits.  I don’t want to fail…again…at losing weight.  Sure I’ve lost weight before and thus have an idea of what is in store for me…but each journey is different.  Who knows what this current journey will bring me.   I am scared.


I am Sad


Yes, as exciting as having a fabulous restart really is, and on a weekend might I might add, I’m also very sad.


I managed my calories to allow for the weekend foods.  On one day that meant eating super lightly throughout  the day.   That was ok…but I was sad.  I was sad when I stopped at my mom’s and couldn’t grab a bite to eat.  (We all know mom’s food tastes better too don’t we?). I was sad when I couldn’t get a snack at the convenience store we stopped at!  I was sad.


The next day I was sad when I ordered the mini cheeseburger at Five Guys.  I wanted the regular!  (And after eating the mini…I will probably adjust my calories in a different way…their buns really do need two of their burgers to carry off the sandwich to make it taste good…I ate mostly bread!).  I skipped the French fries.  I lowered something else down to small and I managed my calories accordingly so that I was never over 1450 calories over the weekend.  But I was sad.  I like food.  Food is my comfort.  Food is my…well I am a food addict so let’s just say it is important!   Food is like a friend and to cut back or say no altogether was like turning my back on friends!  However.   I made the changes willingly…but I was sad.  


I feel empowered


I might be proud.  I might be sad.  I might be scared.  But I also feel empowered.  For the first time in a very long time I stood up and took the reigns and took control of my eating and my addiction.  I may not have LIKED the changes, but I feel empowered to have made them and to be in control!  


It is Monday and I am not letting up.  I had two servings of veggies and a serving of fruit for lunch.  I am managing and adjusting my calories where need be to be able to live my life in the lifestyle that we have.  I can do this…..and you know what?  Let’s add a new feeling onto the list.  For the first time in a long time…. I am hopeful!

Saturday, February 19, 2022

I’m just Tired

​I am just tired.  Tired of what you may ask?   I’m tired of so many things.  I’m tired of feeling like a failure…and I am definitely failing at losing weight.  I’m tired of being fat.  I’m tired of even trying to lose weight. I’m just tired.


Tired of Being Fat

Nope, I’m not mincing words.  I am just plain tired of being fat.   I don’t like how I feel in my body.  I don’t like how my clothes fit.  I don’t like …we’ll much of anything about being overweight.    Seriously…being overweight hurts…physically hurts too!   I’m tired of it.   I keep vowing to make the necessary changes but I fall into the adage of ‘tomorrow’.   But tomorrow has not come recently.  Honestly the last time I had any great success was right before our wedding/elopement!  That happened at the beginning of October of last year!  5 months ago!    I’m tired of a lack of success!!!


Every time I gain weight it bothers me more.  When I was overweight (way back at the beginning of this website/blog) I didn’t feel fat.  My body was used to the weight and I guess the constant aches and pains.  But as I lost the weight the pain disappeared and I felt amazing.  But tasting that amazing pain free life means that as I gained the back, I feel every pound!  Each and every pound!  I’m tired of it!


I have bins upon bins of clothes in my smaller sizes.  Yet I’m forced to wear my fat clothes …which honestly I don’t even think of as ‘fat clothes’ anymore…they are just my clothes.  But honestly, I think about those clothes with longing!  I’m tired of being this size!!!


Tired of Failing

Before our wedding I had challenged myself to a 12 week challenge.  My goal was to lose 24 pounds in that twelve weeks.  And I did phenomenal at the beginning and then lost slower at the end.   I didn’t reach my 24 pounds but I was proud of myself with what I DID lose.  We got married, vacationed, uhhh…honeymooned, and came home.  I maintained a few weeks and then very slowly started to gain. I’m ashamed to admit…but I gained weight.   It took me 2 months to gain 10 pounds.  The next three months?  10 more pounds gained!  (Ok more like 8…but seriouslyYes.  I am sitting close to 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got married!  What in the world is wrong with me?    I’m talking failure!  Huge failure!  20 pounds of failure!   I’m tired of failing!


The weight gain on top of negative and snide comments and my own personal epiphany of how years of these comments have shaped my view of myself is not a good combination.  Can we say self fulfilling prophecy?  I’m tired of FEELING like a failure!


The Catalyst for Change

So I have been thinking about how I feel.  If I expect any change to be forthcoming in my life, I need to change myself first.  I can’t expect to continue doing the exact same thing and expect different results.  So that means that it is time to change me.  It is time to change my way of thinking.  It is time to change my actions.  The only way to enact change is to be the catalyst of change.  


So what is my plan and how am I going to be the catalyst for change?   Well first, I am going to focus on the things I CAN change!  But let’s talk specifics.

Negativity in my life. Sadly, the negative person in my life is not someone I can easily cut out of my life…nor do I want to.  I love the person…and I know that they love me.  This person is just not happy with their lot in life…maybe some jealousy…whatever.   I can’t change them. What I can do is start to stand up for myself whenever the remarks are made.  I can try to put a stop to them versus just sitting there like a whipping post.  And now that I totally recognize the behavior, I can hopefully separate it in my mind as drivel untruths!


Weight loss failure.  Well simply put, I need to stop failing.  I am worth every second of time it takes.  I am worth every ounce of energy I devote. I am worth it!  Easier said than done.  I know…so maybe fake it till I make it??  Hahaha. And I will be going back to the basics.

     1.  Track my food…RELIGIOUSLY!

      2.  Water….65 ounces as bare minimum

      3.   Calories UNDER 1450 at least 6 days a week!

     4.  Forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps!

     5.  40 miles of exercise/movement a week (this is the minimum I need for my 2022 mile challenge.

     6.  Work to add additional formal exercise into my week.  I’m not sure yet how/when/where but stay tuned!


Changing my behaviors will take energy…but I can do it!!!!!!



Monday, February 14, 2022

What a Weekend!

​What a whirlwind of a weekend!  Not just how time flies, that is always a whirlwind!  But the weather.  Could we have a bigger ricochet effect in the weather?  We utilized the one end of the spectrum in the weather to our fullest!  But time just flew by as it always does.


The Weekend Weather 

On Friday night we did our normal after work walk…wearing sweatshirts/hoodies!  The temps were literally that nice!  We opened the windows in our place and let some fresh air circulate! Upper 50°’s and  it was fabulous!  Saturday morning was more of the same!   Wonderful temps!   A gift from Mother Nature in the middle of winter!  Mid to upper 50’s!  We knew we were NOT going to let that get away from us!  We headed to a local state park and hiked!   Ahhhh. Fresh air!  Warmer air!   It was fabulous! It was a bit breezy so we both wore sweatshirts and a windbreaker and that was absolutely perfect!   The ice on the lake was in direct contrast to how the temps felt!  We enjoyed every second!  Oh and I had so much fun with my camera again!   I need to make the time for photography in my life!!!


On Sunday we woke up to snow.   Ok, it wasn’t much…here at least.  I would probably call it more a ‘dusting’.  We got about an inch and it was mostly on the grass and cars.  It did not deter us from heading out and running errands!  But it was back in the 30’s…brrrr!


The little glimpse of spring made me long for it even more!  Come on spring…I'm anxiously awaiting your complete arrival!!





Weight Efforts over the Weekend

I didn’t get around to lowering my calories on MyFitnessPal until midway through the weekend.  That’s ok!  It’s done now!   I also didn’t track anything over the weekend.  And while that is not ok, it is the past.  I’m not living in the past.  I’m looking to the future.  So today will be a better day.  And honestly, it already is.  You see I’ve already tracked my food for the day…before I even took one bite!  Go me!


I am aiming for a range between 1200 and 1400 calories. However, myfitnesspal is set at 1280.  Works for me!  I have something to aim for!  And even if I am a bit over (seriously…1200 is restrictive) then I know that I’m still in the range I want to be in!  Win win!  


Busy busy busy Weekend


I got row 9 of ten done on my quilt top!  So hopefully by the end of next weekend I will be ready to sandwich the quilt top, batting and backing together and start the actual quilting.  I have purchased everything.  Batting, backing, thread, etc.  I have one more shipment that will be arriving and then I will have all of my supplies. Next weekend I will have to stop at my mother’s house and pick up my portable quilting frame (apologies to my brother who stores my big old fashioned quilt frame in his attic…in fairness it’s in pieces and way under the eaves so not in the way.).  Hopefully I will be quilting by next week this time!


I was super productive.  I also did our taxes..both of ours (married filing separately).  I did the normal things around the house…clothes laundry, straightening the house, fresh sheets on the bed, etc!  


It was a productive weekend!


Special Thanks

I would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive of me as I work through in words my emotions dealing with the negativity in my life.   You don’t know how much your words have meant to me.  I am touched by your kindness and support.  


Moving Forward

I am still working on training a group of new hires at work this upcoming week.  Training wears me out as I give my all each minute of the day with them.  But I do enjoy it!  (And it is a nice break from the normal routine.). As I said earlier, I have my food listed in my food tracker for the day today before I even eat.  I know I will most likely have to go back and tweak as I actually go through the day and eat my meals.  But I feel empowered and plan to continue this whole week!  I need to get this weight to start dropping.  I have a goal of 50 pounds by the time I’m 50. I was doing well at the beginning of January but then relapsed so I am showing no loss for 2022 yet.  That’s ok.  I’m hot on the trail now!!!   I also continue to ride the exercise bike daily.  I have miles that I need to achieve for my 2022 miles in 2022.    In the meantime….every step I take is toward making me a better person!

Thursday, February 10, 2022

Beating my Head Against the Wall

​How many times will I try to get successful results from something that I have time and time again proven to not work?   I’m doing it again!  I’m trying a method of weight loss that I KNOW doesn’t work for me!   And I am so frustrated.  Why do I do it to myself??  


So what am I doing?  I am eating about 1600 calories and expecting to lose weight.   I know…I know.  1600 calories SHOULD by the actual numbers be a great goal for eating.  However, time and time again I have experimented and each time I come to the conclusion that it doesn’t work for me.  I am LUCKY if I maintain at that level of calorie intake. Yet I try It.  Over and over I try!   When will I learn and just accept?


I know that my profile on myfitness pal was reset a while back and my goal is 1500…but I am going to go back online and fix that….I would rather see the 1200 or 1300 ad my goal and be over budget  at the end of the day versus seeing the 1500-1600 as my goal and see that I am right on budget or every under budget at the end of the day.  Why?  Because if I am aiming for the lower calories and I end up over budget I will not be expecting to lose weight!  It may happen…but I won’t be expecting it!    When I am under budget with the higher calorie limit it is human nature to expect a loss and it is very disheartening to then not lose!!!  

I am still struggling with the emotions of my own personal revelations about the long term negativity that I have been dealing with it.   Basically, I have heard the negativity for years but it has just become part of the fabric of my life.  But the wedding dress comment (your butt looked fat in your wedding dress) just has played through my mind constantly in the four months the since I got married. (Yup…it’s been a bit more thanfour months since we got married.). I have replayed that comment many times in my head.  In the meantime,  I started a new quilt.


The new quilt is coming along.  The negativity wasn’t immediate…I got a compliment about how beautiful the quilt was turning out.  However the next words were ‘I sure hope you are doing it right…your stuff tends to fall apart’?   What?   We sometimes sleep under a quilt that I made 30 years ago….that doesn’t sound like it fell apart to me?  It’s a quilt that I drag around …..literally drag around…it goes on vacation with us as I remove the comforters on hotel beds and use my own quilt….they don’t wash those hotel comforters every use!). This quilt is used and used hard.  But my stuff falls apart?   And there have been multiple snide remarks about my quilt.  And those comments…I think of them all the time when I’m working on this quilt…second guessing myself.  Worrying that for some reason this quilt will fall apart.  It totally undermined any ounce of self confidence I had about it.  So two comments that stayed in my mind for a long time (never ending).    And once those comments were stuck in my head it opened my memory and my awareness to what really happens.  So I still am struggling with those emotions.


But I move forward.  Processing the information…the comments…the events in life.  Life throws negativity at you.  Life throws moments when we keep doing the same old thing and expect different results. (ie my calorie counting).   How I respond and react is what makes me awesome, mediocre or a slug of a human being.  I want to be awesome.  So fixing issues and rising above is my goal!






Sunday, February 06, 2022

Enough is Enough

​The last week had been a crazy one for sure!  I’ve learned a few things (or rather learning) about myself and really opening my eyes and seeing maybe why I am the way I am.  I’ve been busy and stressed out at work. And my weight…oh my weight loss efforts.  Enough is enough.  It is time to draw the proverbial line in the sand.  I have got to fix my weight issues and I have got to stop dithering and giving half efforts!    


A stressful Work Week

Wow.  Just wow.   Work has been so insane lately.  A lot of micromanaging that doesn’t help the situation.  A lot of negativity reigned down upon us.  And just really busy.   And yes, my coworkers are feeling the same angst and stress, which does make my burden a bit easier.  (Misery loves company.). At least I know it’s not just me they are singling out.  It’s the whole group of us that do this one aspect of work on our team.   And let’s just say that it’s bad. 

This upcoming week or so should be a bit better for me.  I will be working with training some new people for our team.  So I will be removed from a lot of the petty bull that is happening.   And of course I really enjoy training.  (Which is no surprise to anyone that knows me!)


Negativity

In the last months I’ve been starting to realize that there is a force of negativity in my life that directly affects me and who I am.  Comments made that are hurtful.  Example, ‘the dress you got married in makes your butt look fat’…who says that to a happy bride?  Just this week I started to think back and realize that it’s been going on for a long time.  I confirmed that last night by going back and reading some excerpts from old journals.  Yes, I have close to 20 journals in storage.  When I was younger there were some gaps in years…but I have sporadic journals from back as far as third grade and I started to journal more consistently when I was about 13 years old.   As I read bits and pieces of these journals I was clearly able to see the pattern of behavior for many years.  (Which made Jason feel better as he apparently had worried that his presence in my life had created the issue…but no it was an issue from long before his presence.)


So yes…journals galore.   I pulled them out and read some last night. Jason and I had fun laughing at some of the entries I made from very early in our relationship.  I then had fun teasing him and reading about the mixed messages he was giving me about marriage for years!  One week commenting about how he was all in with marriage but the next week against marriage due to previous experiences…..I can laugh now but back then it was a seee-saw!  (And ultimately I decided that I would rather have the man…even if it didn’t come with a ring because it came with lots and lots of love!  And what do you know…it came with the ring anyway!)


Married Life 

Married life treats me well.   I make it through my work days because I know that come 5 or 5:30 when Jason gets home that I’ll get a kiss and hug that will make my world all ok again!


We are excited about getting a house and moving.  Sure there is a lot more responsibility with home ownership….but there are a lot more rewards….not just financially.  More space.  Things exactly how WE want and not how someone else wants. Space to actually can..yes my kitchen is so small that canning and preserving food would be possible, but difficult. And where would I store my preserved items.  Just no space! Oh and to have a garden and all that fresh produce to eat!  Did I mention more space?


I have been having so much fun writing letters to Jason’s four year old niece.  Ok, maybe not ‘me’ writing….kiwi our bird writes to her!  Hahaha. It is fun to share our life with her written from the eyes of a parrot.  (She lives about 4 hours away and we don’t see them often).  It has been one of my great pleasures recently…and I find myself planning throughout the week/weeks and taking pictures just for her letters.  Such as the ‘kiwi for your letter’ picture.



Weight Loss


Ok so I titled this section weight loss.  Maybe I should have added the word what and a question mark to make it ‘what what loss?’.  No weight lost here.   And I can’t blame anything but myself.  I haven’t been committed.  I have gotten in my miles and ridden the exercise bike.  But I haven’t really put forth much (any) effort to lose weight and let’s be honest…it takes effort!


But enough is enough.  I’m tired of being fat and the only way to change it is to be serious.   A few months back I did a 12 week challenge and had some success.  I like the shorter goals and terms.  It seems more doable.  I liked that challenge and it worked.  I like the exercise portion but that is what burned me out…getting in my miles plus the exercises for the challenge. I was doing it all on my breaks and lunch at work which was difficult.   So I am going to do a similar version. Focusing mostly on the food and water aspect.  (All the while continuing my 2022 challenge of course). For me the biggest issue right now is calorie and water intake!   I need to fix that…and I need to do it now!  So I am just going to focus on one week at a time.  Calories and water this week.  That’s my goal for this week.  Calories in check…1400 calories or thereabouts (simply because I know my body responds at that level…years of watching have taught me that). And at least 64 ounces of water each day.   That is the goal for this upcoming week. I need to get this ship turning in the right direction!


Like I said….enough is enough!