Monday, February 28, 2011

Gonna do it!

I've been working to dig myself out of the pits of depression.  It's not easy.  But I'm working on it!  It's baby steps.  Doing small little things for me.  Small things that make me feel alive.  Trying to fill up the emptiness that I feel inside me.   I think it's least I hope it is.

Sooooo, now that I'm feeling marginally better, I am goign to tackle this weight issue.  I packed my lunch for work.  Felt good to actually pack a HEALTHY lunch.   Strawberries, corn, grapes and a few fat free pringles.  I have put my food into the weight watchers online tracker already and I'm ready to rock this.  I know it will take time.  I know it will take perserverence.  But I'm going to do it!  :-)

Weight loss is the only thing that I've got complete control over...and I want to take that control back!  I'm tired of feeling horrible!!!!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Something for me!

tractor seat spring, originally uploaded by mfcstotler.

It wasn't a long 'me' time. BUt I did get out with my camera a bit today. Still struggling with my eating. But I'm determined to get in shape!!!

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Hump Day

Today, February 23, 2011 I am thankful for some clarity that has come into my life.  Clarity to realize that I've lost myself and while my steps may be small to 'reclaim' me, I'm thankful that I have at least some idea and plan in place to rediscover who I am.

Eating wise, I'm a disaster.  This has to change!!!  I can't continue on.  I look at pictures of myself at a thinner weight and I just cringe because I looked so good and now I feel so frumpy!  I need to fix this!  Where is my  motivation!

I will be attending Zumba tonight!  :-)

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Saturday February 19, 2011
       Today I'm thankful for a long weekend that's coming up!  Yes, Monday is Presidents day and I don't have to go to work!

So what is my plan for rebuilding my life, for making me whole again?   It's not much of a plan.  But I do know that it's going to include me eating right and exercising.  :-)    But other than that I'm reviewing my hobbies and likes and I"m going to focus on things that I like.

1. Photography.  I've long said that I enjoy it and want to take it to another level.  I've struggled of late because I've discovered that being depressed does not lend one to find the beauty in life....and thus I don't see much that I want to take pictures of.  I'm going to try to work on that.  Hopefully as spring and summer approaches that will get just a tad bit easier.

2.  Piano.  I've played since I was five years old.  My mom has often over the years remarked (when I lived with them (that she could tell my stress levels, because I played more when I was was my cathartic act).  My piano is at the studio so not at my fingertips.  But I do have a keyboard here at the house.  And I recently pulled it out and it's all set up ready for me to play.

3.  Crafts.  Cross stitch, hooked rugs, quilts, crochet, you name it...I used to do it and I don't anymore.  I need to pick things back up and dabble some more.  I used to always say I wanted to be a renassaince woman and know how to do a little of everything.  Well, I need to step back into that pathway.  

4.  Writing.  I love to write.  I enjoy seeing my words come alive and piece together a complex (or not) story.  I have no outlet for my writing, but once I get myself back in the habit of writing, maybe I can look for a creative outlet for my writing.

That still leaves me short with the friend thing.....but well hopefully that will come in time.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Finding myself

Somewhere along the way I've lost me.  I've lost the essence of who MaryFran really is.  I've pushed myself back into a deep dark hole.  I think part of it has come from a desperation to make things right in my world.  "If I just do this for so and so, the world will continue to spin on it's axis. "  or thinking that the more I did for those around me, the happier my relationships would be.  I ran myself into the ground trying to please.  I become so immersed into the issues and problems in my life and worrying about solutions and the causes that  I slowly pushed myself out of my life.   So now I stand here with my arms out and I look deeply at myself and all I can say is "where did I go?"  I'm gone.  The girl named Maryfran has disappeared into thin air.  I'm left as a shell of a woman.....empty inside.

The empty shell of a MaryFran is never going to win the battle of weight loss.  I know it with all my heart.  I can try and try and try as hard as I can.  But it's just not going to happen. I need to fill that shell again with the things that make me intrinsically me.  I've changed in the recent years, so the things that MAY have made me me way back when may not be the things that I need to pour into myself to fill me.   I need to find ME...the CURRENT me.  Once I find me and take away the emptiness in my life, I'll be able to concentrate and REALLY have success on the external features (the weight).  Does this mean i'm going to give up and eat anything I want?  Heck no!  Does this mean that i'm not going to exercise?   Absolutely not.  It just means that I recognize that my recovery from this weight loss is much more than simply relosing these few's as important as fixing ME.  Finding ME again.  Making ME whole again on the inside AND out.

I started a while back my quest to find something good each day.  I'm going to reinstitute that plan.  I need to focus on the good in my life and not focus on the negative!  It was hard some days...and I know that I'm battling a crippling depression.  But I'm gonna perservere!   So....

Friday February 18, 2011 
Today I am thankful for the gorgeous weather that we are having. It's hard to imagine that I was outside in a short sleee shirt today.....while last year this week we had a TON of snow.....can we say two different 2 foot plus snow storms in one week.....which was preceeded by a 4-5 inch snow...which was preceeded by an ice storm.  Yes.......60 plus degrees is a wonderful thing!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Life Sucks

Life has been rough.

First lets talk about eating.  I had made a very concious decision to eat right.  To change and work on the only aspect of my life that I do have control of.  I started....and then as the stress mounted, food started to make me feel ill. I'm eating very that's actually not good. But at this time, eating alone is a chore.  Never thought I would say that.

The last week has been an emotional rollercoaster for me.  I've cryed at the drop of a hat. I've cried continally.  I want to cry now!   Part of the problems are personal in nature, so I won't share them.  But lets just say that I have come to the conclusion that some situations in my life have totally decimated my self confidence.  Words have damaged who I am.  Words have made me doubt the sincerity of so many things....when they pertain to me that is.   Above and beyond the self doubt and confidence issues...just life in general has gotten to me. 
My song....which I have listened to over and currently by really speaks to me!  Check it out!!!

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Sick and Tired

My weight held pretty much held steady over the last week.  I'm eating near no vegetables or fruit. That HAS to change!  So I'm going to track every bite again.  I keep starting, but keep forgetting.  I have to make it a habit once again!!!!

I'm tired of beign this weight.  I'm tired of feeling fat. I'm tired of not fitting into clothes. I'm just tired of it.  I'm tired of the fact that for two months I worried about what my added weight did to my health.  I'm just sick and tired of it...and the only way to not be sick and tired?   LOSE THE WEIGHT!

Wednesday, February 02, 2011


Well, i was cleared by the cardiologist yesterday.  The pulmonary tests cleared me for lungs on Monday.  I'm super relieved about this.  But yet, it still makes me wonder what in the world has caused the chest pains.  Go figure...and STILL causing them.  The cardiologist was like "exercise if you want...start out slow though".   Slow?  MF do anything half ass?   3 hours later found me at Zumba......I did tone it down just a tad......haa haaa haa.  Was I out of breath and having a hard time to catch my breath? Yes....but the doctor seems to think that the exercise will help with that.  I got the impression that he thinks it is the initial diagnosis of pleurisy......and my inactivity is causing my fitness level to decrease rapidly (since all I do is sit on my butt because hey, I don't knwo what's wrong with me!).   So I'm going to give it the gung ho go. 

My weight was GRAND yesterday.....but UP today.  up by more than 3 pounds.  What's up with that??????   Couple things maybe.....late dinner, high sodium lunch, first workout in a while.....oh yeah, the ick is just around the corner...blech.