Thursday, August 27, 2009

Soul Searching and total honesty

Back already to write an update! I finished writing my daily entry to my blog in my ramble fashion and I started reading other blogs. Then I got to this one. This is a post about food addiction written by the Scale Junkie. Very thought provoking. Why did it hit me so hard? I've readily admitted that I'm a food junky on more than one occasion. BUT, I have never opened myself up to full honesty. Outwardly I'm doing everything right. But I'm gaining or not losing. In reality, I was skirting on the edge of doing right....for most of the time. Sometimes I fell over the edge into 'poor eating' and at others I skip into the healthy eating realm. But never totally one way or the other. I wrote post after post lamenting my lack of progress and even my weight gains. But I wasn't being honest with myself. I had admitted that I had a food addiction, but i was still hiding it. No more. Total honesty, no matter how badly it makes me look.

Sooo I'll start this new realm off with some confessions.

1. My bike ride this morning that I mentioned in passing....I didn't even make it 30 minutes. I only did 20 minutes. No honesty.....I rode 19 minutes and 23 seconds before giving up and going back to laze mode!

2. Yesterday, while I still ate ok and managed my food and showed a loss this morning...the boredom got me at work in the afternoon. I ate a handful of pretzels, a handful of tortilla chips and 5 pieces of salt water taffy. I counted my points and monitored my eating the rest of the day, but I caved to the temptation of my addiction. (see, I glossed over that fact....yeah, I still came out on top...but I lost control of my addiction...and the only reason i stopped was because I ate a piece of taffy and didn't like the flavor)

3. My weight. I've admitted that I've gained some. I've shared that I'm losing again. But I've never talked about how much I've gained. I've glossed over the down and dirty figures. Last fall, just about a year ago, I was terribly proud because I was showing a huge weight loss. Well over a hundred pounds. I had reached the weight that my doctor thought was a good one for me, 180 pounds. I had made lifetime at weight watchers (based on my doctors recommendation...he said I could go lower, but 180 was the high end of where he thought I should be.) I felt good with my body, yeah, I would like to go lower but i was happy. And then I went on vacation. I splurged and ate. I ate some more. And then even more. I came back and i weighed close to 189 pounds. Instead of jumping right back on the plan, I continued my unhealthy habits. Sometimes. I never went totally off the plan, but I was never hard core with eating healthy. I splurged more often than I should have and worked out less often. Soon I saw 190 pounds. Then 195. Before I knew it I was back at 199 pounds facing that huge dividing line. 200. Yes, I hit 200 and kept going. Still vowing to get it under control...I was trying ya know. My attempt was just half hearted. 205 came and then 208. I started a competition with a friend when I weighed 208.8...a few short months ago. I was still only half heartedly working on this...yet trying to convince myself and the world that I had my food addiction under control. The scales said something different. Last Saturday I stepped on the scales and saw 217. Yes, that is still just about 100 pounds from where I first started...but that is also almost 40 stinkin' pounds from where I was a year ago. That is not cool but what is totally not acceptable is the fact that I've been lying to myself and skirting the truth. I messed up. I'm happy to say that in the last week I've dropped and my weight was exactly 210.0 this morning! Yes, I've done really well this week!

That is all the half truths that I can think of from my most recent entries that I can think that need to be set straight. And as hard as it has been to admit...I feel better for it.
Happy Thursday! Or is it happy? I'm at work after a lazy morning at home. I woke up and just laid around in the living room. Watching the news. Now I am so not a news junky. Todd watches the news all the time, so I dont' feel the need to watch it on my own...I hear enough just from when he watches it when I'm around. Soooo you can realize how lazy I was when I say that I was too lazy to even find the remote to change the channel. Yes, there is a hospital in Cleveland that is one of the best in the country and they have some of the lowest health care costs around. How??? Well, since I heard this report at 6:30 and again somewhere around 8, I know! I did garner my energy and I did hop on the exercise bike for a short ride. So at least I did something. I did pack my lunch for work and had my breakfast so I didn't just throw everything aside for a live of laziness.

So here I am at work....I've already had 1/3 of the total amount of transactions that I had yesterday and I'm only 1 hour in. Still boring..because 7 transactions in an hour are not all that much...but I'll take what I can get. I'm reeling though...they seem to have blocked facebook!!! That was my daily entertainment! Oh well. I've still got blogger! LOL

My weight was down even further today. Four Tenths of a pound today, so it is slowing down...but still moving in the right direction at least!