Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Self inflicted pain

Why do I do it to myself?  Seriously!

I have a love hate relationship with the scales.  I used to be a proponent of daily weighing (and I will probably do that again when I am at my goal weight...to keep myself focused).  But this go round, I'm sitting back and trying to take the pressure off the number. So once a week is what I'm trying to do. I admit that I sneak a peak here and there, but I'm for the most part trying to stay away from the scales because I don't want to obsess.  This past weekend I decided to move my weigh in day until Sunday.  I had originally been emailing weights out to a Sunday challenge and also a Monday challenge...and I was using my Monday challenge as my official weight.  But the Monday challenge has folded and while the group is still around and making small noises, the Monday weigh in has sunk into the pits of oblivion.  Not a problem.  So I decided to make Sunday my official.  I weighed on Sunday.  I showed a loss! In fact, I hit my next 10 pound goal! (new charm is ordered for my charm reward bracelet already).  21 pounds gone since January 1.  (83.2 pounds total from my highest).  I stayed away from the scales on Monday...no problem.  This morning though.  I don't know what possessed me.  First of all I was dressed (Yes, I weigh in the nude!) and secondly I had tacos last night.  Do you know how much sodium is in the taco seasoning alone??????   My weight was up...substantially  My heart sank and I'm fighting off the spiraling negative thoughts.  I don't want another week of 'maintain'. I want to lose again.  I want to blow this weight out of the water.  And I'm depressed about seeing the higher number again.  GRRRR      But that is all self destructive.  If I allow myself to wallow in the NUMBERS I will begin to believe that I can't do it.  I KNOW I can.  This journey really is won in the  mind.  

Exercise today was scheduled to be a run this morning and zumba this evening.  I woke up and Todd wanted/needed breakfast at about 7:30.  I would have had to go out running at 6 or 6:30 this morning in order to eat first...I won't make the mistake of running after I eat twice) I would have been fine..but that early scared me.  Slipping on ice is NOT conducive to health.  So I postponed my run until tomorrow morning. (meaning I'll have two back to back runs, but that's OK also).  I wallowed a bit in my depressive thoughts about the number on the scale...but then I said "screw that" and I got up. (enough time and passed and I knew that I could get in a 1/2 hour exercise...just not enough time to get out and run) I dug out my steps and the original step aerobic DVD that I purchased years upon years ago.  I had religiously done step aerobics at one point during my original weight loss efforts but I eventually put it aside and never came back to it. Today was the day to resurrect step aerobics.  I set everything up and I was rolling stepping.  I have to say...I was sweating it up and my legs were feeling it!  I love that feeling (yeah yeah, I'm sadistic!)   Amazing....I remember when I stopped doing the DVDs that my body thought they were easy.  I love changing up exercises just for that purpose!  I of course had an audience while I exercised.....and I had to clear out the kitties who wanted to check out the steps and play around the steps!  But I got in 30 minutes of good exercise this morning (and low and behold....my calories burned are fantastic for step aerobics!)

I'm not really sure how I want to integrate the scales into my life this go round.  The obsession to check my weight is too great to ignore. I know this.  I just have to make my obsession (I never was one to weigh throughout the day...just once...in the morning) coexist in a peaceful way with my psyche.  Maybe it WOULD be better if i weighed daily again.  At least then I would be seeing a TRUE number instead of these stupid 'bobbles' that I am catching a glimpse of!