Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Last day of April Update

Well. I went out and started my painting. I got the back of the hosue done. I moved to the side of hte house and did that. I moved to the front of the house. WOWZERS, was I on fire. I was plannign my day and I was excited because I just knew that I would be able to get the first coat totally done and maybe even work on the second coat (the back was almost done it's second coat to begin with...) So I was just rolling. UNTIL it started to spit rain. Now, there are lots of things a person can do even if it's spitting rain every once in a while. BUT painting..not happening in the rain. Heck, not evening happening if it threatens to rain. So I packed it all up. I got it all put away and looked back outside. The sun was shining brightly. I tried to do the painting thing again. I started to sprinkle again! What's up with that???? Well, it wasn't worth me worrying about the rain all I packed it up and moved inside. I instead spent the day in the kitchen baking and cooking to my hearts content. I also cleaned the house really good. ( did paint for 2-3 hours in the all was not lost).

Totally bums me out that I couldn't paint all day. It would have felt so dang good to get a huge chunk of the painting done! ooH WELL, at least I got some painting done!

I started out soooo strong with the baking. I had gum in my mouth...I didn't taste anything. But the problem...I've never been able to chew gum for extended periods of time. My jaw starts to hurt and actually I start to almost gag. So I chewed as long as I could...and then ditched the gum. When I ditched the gum....well, I welcomed a bit of food. I did better than I've done in the past if that is any consolation!

I actually started to go and exercise....on the exercise bike. However, after being on my feet and working all day,I'm tired. I"m not used to being on my feet all day. My shoulder blades were tense adn a bit sore after my painting this m orning....and my afternoon of baking and cleaning just made it I stood there looking at the exercise bike and just couldn't make myself do it. I'm determined though that tomorrow I"ll be on taht bike and riding like a demon!

Speaking of bikes....I need to get my bike from the studio apartment where it isstill stoerd and get it over her so I can ride. I used to ride my bike tot he deli. I want to start riding my bike to the bank. I can take my clothes in my backpack and change when I get there. It will work for me. It will be good exercise.....and will be better for the environment. NOT to mention the saved gas. Yeah, I know that it will only save me 5 miels of mileage today. But that's 5 miles. If I do it once a week for ...oh heck,I"m not even remotely in the mood to try to figure out how much I"d be saving.

WOAH's the last day of April. Where has this month gone. Where has this year gone thus far! May already eii yii yiii

I'm still struggling a bit with feeling blue. I'll admit that this week is my more 'emotional' week of the I'm sure that has something to do with it. All I have to say.......I want it to pass! It just seems as if a lot of stuff is happening during this more 'emotional' week.

fessin' up

Weigh in. DO I really have to 'fess up"? I don't wanna!!!! Please don't make me! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Ok, I stand humbled, contrite and ready to admit my ~gulp~ gain. Yes, I gained. I believe I had mentioned that fact yesterday. I knew I was going to gain. I also knew it wasn't going to be too pretty. I was hoping for only a 2 pound gain. WELL... ..... Ok, at least when I do things ...I do them big! I gained 4 pounds this last week! 4 pounds! FOUR STINKIN' POUNDS! This is NOT good. What is happenign to me. I can hold it together for a week or two...bring my number down..and then BAMM...I lose control! This has GOT to stop! First, I'll never make it to my goal if it doesn't. Secondly, I'm tired of being disgusted with myself. Depressed at my 'results'. I just can't take it any longer! SOMETHING has to give. ANd I"m NOT giving up on my goal. I've made it further than I had ever dreamt of making it...I'm not giving up now!

Today I am hoping for sunshine.....or at least no rain. I have plans to work outside. Ok, I WANT to work outside! I want to work on painting the house. I want to finish the one pile of cut chipping the rest of it. Either of those activities could take up a whole complete day. Our lawn also desperately needs mowed. It's been so rainy that the grass just pops up so fast and so high!

I'm also going to kick myself into working out religiously again. I haven't been doing well at all. That needs to change! I may not start today....depends on how much work I get done outside. I know that if I work outside for most of the day..that I'll be dead beat when I come in tonight. AND, it is all manual Ill be moving the whole time...which is activity points...since I don't normally do that stuff. SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO it really is all contingent on the weather!

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Can words even describe this entry?

Weights up. What else can I say about it. Oh, you want to know my reaction to the 'up'? Disgusted, depressed, sick at heart; just to name a few. I am still goign to my meeting tonight. And yes, I'm going to weigh in and face my knocks. The knocks will be particularly bad....i ate at The Waffle House this morning....eii yiii yiii. Oh well......such is life. I so want to get the weight off.......arrggghh that I have ranted about that...lets just have a blast and say that life sucks! A while back I made a very important decision. One that had the potential to impact our lives greatly either. Either choice I made was going to have it's positives....but each choice would come with it's corresponding negative. Well, just yesterday I was put into the position of being told that it was a good possibility that the one major negative was being removed...and that it would all be positive. I had my hopes up...I was excited. Then today....dashed. My hopes trampled....crumbled to the ground. And yeah...I'm feeling a bit down about it.

Heck...when is life going to stop kicking me! I was just getting out of a little 'blue' period that I was in for the last few days...and now this. DRAT!

Poor Todd...he's been sick about two weeks now. Can't seem to shake whatever he has.

Monday, April 28, 2008

The past couple weeks have been very intersting. I've struggled with my diet...but I've also come a long ways in some thinking that I think is critical. I realize that due to circumstances and situations that are way beyond my self confidence had been shattered. I felt not attractive. This is due mainly to one person...and one persons actions. I've let that one person skew how I feel about myself. Well....within the last three or four weeks I've had a few different things happen to remind me and let me know that this thinking is totally unfounded. One was the 'hot' letter that I was given by a customer here at work. Some of the others situations and occurances I'm going to leave unsaid. But, I can see a remarkable difference in how I think about myself. Thinking about my choice of clothes that I bought yesterday...I bought totally with that new feeling or confidence in mind. No, the clothes I bought are not hoochie mamma clothes. But they are 'out of the box' for me. I, MaryFran wearing a shoe that has a 3 inch heel...and enjoying it????? (once, not hoochie mamma...yeah, it's a 3 inch heel...but tis a casual shoe, if that makes's a wedge heel...more casual) I've always been known as the 'comfort' clothing girl! I'm wearing two of my new items...and I feel spectacular in them. Sexy...confident......good about myself.....ready to face the world again. The only thing that scares me.......the situation that has made me feel inferior in the past is still one that is in my life. It's on the's there, ready to raise it's ugly head and strike...dragging me down.

So far so good today. I had toast for breakfast. 1 point for two pieces of toast, smart beat zero point butter spread and a little cinanmon sugar.....we'll call it 2 points and call it a day! For lunch I packed (and ate...without nibbling on any of the plethera of food sitting in the breakroom here at work) a white chocolate cheesecake yogurt, green beans, sauerkraut ('s a zero point food that I actually like...that and green in my life), grapes and to top it off a 1 point, 100 cal pack of the chocolate hostess cakes! YUMMY! That means I've used up a whopping 5 points for today. That gives me 18 points for dinner! No...I'll probably not use 18 points for dinner. BUT, i'll probably use 12 or 13...that's what I usually end up using. :-)

Water consumption today....I'm drinking...and I'm peeing. Which tells me taht I was dehydrated. Oh well...I'll get it straightened out soon enough. Simply by continuing to chug my water (ok, I sip it throughout the day).

3pm...that's the magical time when I get off work today. Woudln't you soon as I start a project outdoors that I'm just DYING to get starts raining...and doesn't seem to want to let up! We've had inch after inch of rain this past week! And still coming down! The project....painting the outside of the house. Oh my word, it's multi colored right now. Part the old color...part the messy looking first coat of the new color. Part of the trim is done, part isn't. The whole place is just a hodgepodge of differing colors. Oh well...we'll get it done eventually. The sun will have to come out sooner or later! :-) The other thing with the rain...I want to be out jogging or riding my bike...and I'm stuck inside. I need to get my butt back into the exercise videos...and back onto my indoor exercise bike. There should be no excuse! Meanwhile....Todd doesn't want to drop the gym...but with gas prices what they are...eii yiii yiiii And since we aren't goign to town as much...because of the gas prices...that hurts our time at the gym. SOOOO it's a double edge sword. What to do..what to do. I talked to him about putting the gym on hold through the summer months when we are busy working outside. I may revisit that with him tonight. We'll have to see. Right now it just strikes me as a waste of money!

Where in the world has April gone? It's almost over! That is just hard to fathom! It seems as if just yesterday it was the beginning of the month...heck, the beginning of the year. Eii yiii yiii...will the rest of the year fly by this fast. :-)

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Eat eat eat our sorrows away

Well...this week has been plain and clear emotional eating. I've been a bit down....and I've eaten my fair shair of food trying to drown my sorrows....and bring up my spirits. Didn't work. Well. I was happy with the abundance of food....but did it really make my world start spinning correctly again? Nope! BUt oh wow....I had cocoa and toast...I haven't had that in AGES. I did eat half the amount that I I previously would have eaten......and I used weight watcher / high fiber-low calorie bread so that saved me some points at least. SO at lesat I did better than I would have in my 'past life'.

Hmmm..that's an interesting present life...and my past life. That is how I need to think about it. My past life is the attitude of not present life is me trying to live a more healthy balanced life. The problem...the past life really wants to encroach upon the present life so much. It's so easy to forget myself and slip back into the past life. It's always there...ready and waiting to rear it's ugly head. And the problem....the past life is strong. Once it gets a little grip on's hard to shake. It's's all consuming...and with only one bite it's here and strong. Sometimes it is a clear and concious decision to allow the old me back to the front. However, many times it's on a subconcious level that it happens. It has happend at restaurants when I'm feeling rushed by a mind just goes straight to the 'old comfortable standbys'. Sometimes I just eat without thinking. However there are times when I plan in my head..but something takes over and I do the exact opposite! This happened once at a restaurant. Todd and I sat talkign about the bread and how we were glad that the waitress hadn't brought bread. Well...she came and I was like, "Can we have some bread with our meal" WHAT? Where did that come from? Todd sat slack jawed. :-) It just come from somewhere...and I don't know where! So it rears it's ungly head at some of the most unexpected times.

Today, I went shopping. I guess another mis-guided attempt to 'drown my worries and sorrows" . OK, OK, OK, I only went to the mall to get my free pair of underwear from Victoria's Secret. And my $15 off an Angel Bra. BUT, I ended up spending a huge chunk of change. Granted, I got a lot of clothing and accesories for what I spent. I bought some things on sale that will be used next winter.....I got them a bit tighter for that reason. I also bought some things for this summer....since of course last years things are a bit loose on me. I got my first ever 'little black dress' I found a really cool little short capped sleeve bolero style shrug jacket thingy. I bought some high heeled black and white sandals to wear with the dress. I'll be able to wear the dress to work...but also for something more fancy should the need arise. It's pretty flexible that way. I also bought a new jean skirt. I can still wear the ones from last year. They are all too big...but they dont' look badly. That is the great thing about skirts...they seem to hold longer in the losign weight game. BUT, I bought one today ($5) that is a it is a perfect fit right now. It's a bit shorter than anything that I normally have worn. I was talking to mom...I don't know what my style is. As a 'fat' girl, I bought anything that looked decent on my body. I didn't care about style...I cared about how I looked. I dressed very carefully...trying to mask my weight. I still have to be careful because of my pouchy belly....but I'm experimenting and trying to find me. I know that I wear a heck of lot more pink now. I used to wear NO I love pink! Go figure. I noticed a difference in the shoes that I bought today. I was more wiling to put on a heeled shoe. And I got the most adorable chunky pink shoes! I would never have gone with a shoe like that! IT just wasn't me! But waht is me?????? I aim to find out!

SOoooooo maybe it was good that I Shopped a bit today. Focused me. It truely is easier to shop as a thin person. First there are more shops to chose from...but the sales seem better also for regular clothes! So now I have some clothes that I can't really even attractively wear until I lose a few more pounds! Focus focus focus!

I want so badly to get the rest of this weight off! I'm vowing here and now that I am going to work my tail end off to get that goal also! First and least important...I'm tired of paying money for weight watchers. BUT, secondly, this sitting on the fence is just wreaking havoc with my emotions. I need to either stop and be happy at this weight and work on maintaining...or I need to just do it. I KNOW I can lose weight. I KNOW...and Ithink that if I gave up and said that 185 was the weight that I was goign to be happy with...would eventually make me feel like a failure...I'm not there yet. I want to get there. And quite honestly, 185 may end up being the weight that my body is the healthiest at. But I have to go lower to make sure! I know that I still have fat on my I seriously doubt aht 185 is the weight for me. BUT, I'm not adverse to dropping down really low...and then having to gain a few pounds back to my optimum weight. But I have to find out for myself what is my optimum weight.

In essence, I guess I have to finish I don't feel like a failure. Even though I've lost 125 pounds..and that's considered a HUGE success for anyone...I still haven't finished what I started. And as I've quoted before.....actually Bob Harper...and I'll paraphrase...." WHy start something you are not goign to finish" :-)

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Good days...sunshine

Yesterday morning I was out in the yard by 9 (it was probably closer to 8:30). I ran the chipper shredder for a couple hours. Seems like the third one is working ok. Still doesnt' chip as fantastically as the first one that we had...but it's not bad. :-) After I chipped for a while, I went inside and made tacos for us for lunch. I went ahead and did was a quick lunch (and I knew my time at dinner would be even more limited). After eating and cleaning up, I went back outside. I switched to painting. I painted until about 4:30/5PM. Got a good bit done. I went inside and cleaned up, ate a banana and headed out to come to the bank to meet my co-workers. We drove together over to the main branch for this meeting we had to attend. We were there for about an hour and half. After I got back to my car...i swung into the ice cream place to get frozen yogurt (fat free) for Todd and I..and headed home. I was BEAT!

I got a good deal of sun yesterday. Last night at my meeting I was a 'rosy pink' tone. This morning though....simply tan. :-) Not good I know, to let youself even get pink. Believe me...that wasn't in my plan. :-) I was just out working and that's what happened.

The worst thing about back. Eii yii yiii. I've always had some issues with my back. Lower back, being tender when I use it or twist the wrong way...or whatever. It's only gone totally 'out' once. BUT it gets pretty darn close every once in a while. This morning I could barely move. I've worked out most of it...but know that sitting here at work today will aggrevate it. :-) y legs are a bit sore also..b.ut that's just a plain muscles. The legs.....they hurt from climbing up and down the ladder...and standing on tip toe on the ladder trying to reach further...etc etc etc.

Depending on how I feel when i get off tonight, I may paint a bit more this evenign...and then have a late dinner. :-) But, of course I may just take it easy tonight. Ahhhh decisions decisions decisions.

The sucky part. I worked all day yesterday...i should have showed a loss on the scales. Nope...up a pound. I'm not sure.....hoping it may be water. I did drink about a gallon of water yesterday...but I do know that I was so hot...that I was actually thirsty...which is a sign of dehydration...which means I'd be retaining water. BUT, I lost track of time and worked outside later than I had planned....which means that I SNACKED and scrounged for my dinner. SOOOOO either way....I was up. OH will come back off. :-)

That said, today I have eaten responsibly and well. I have my day planned fruits and veggies will be done when i go to bed. All will be good. :-) Water...I'm running behind on my water. But I'm going to work on sucking that up here at work. (speaking of drinks....I just took a break to take a big drink of my water).

Put on a skirt this morning and noticed that it is loose. WOO HOOOO

Wednesday, April 23, 2008


Well....I'm holding steady.... 183.6 this morning. I'm not worried aboutthe .2 of a pound. I'm just tickled to be holding steady. :-)

Today should be a good day for me.....activity wise. The plan is for me this morning to run the chipper. When I need a break, I'm going to continue painting the house! (white with red trim.........I'm just attacking it 10-20 feet at a time...yeah, it will look crazy half painted...but it will get done eventually). SO I'll be working all least that's the plan. I do also want to formally get some mileage in today...either a jog or a ride. :-)

Speaking of riding. I need to do a 'trial run' to the see exactly how long it takes me to ride my bike to work. This road is more hilly.....and a bit longer ...with no shoulders when compared to the road I took last year. Yeah, it's probably overkill..but I'd just feel more comfortable with biking to work if I had already done a 'test' run. :-)

Since I'm planning on doing a lot of manual labor today...I had an egg sandwich (two slices of low cal/high fiber bread, one egg and one piece of fat free cheese......3 points). I wanted to make sure that I got some protein thsi morning. :-) We are not sure what we are doign for eating today. We may break and go to lunch. HOwever, we may go for an early dinner at like 4. BUT then again...we may eat at home. I do have a mandatory meeting at the main branch for my 6:15. That will be an hour. They are going to have pizza for us. I plan on declining....If I"m going to eat pizza...I want it to be GOOD pizza. :-) And honestly, I'd enjoy it more in the company of my husband. :-) BUT for me to decline, I have to have either already eaten....or know EXACTLY what I'm eating afterwards. It's all in planning.....preparing mentally for the temptation.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Weekly Official Report

Went to a weight watcher meeting last night. I only showed a loss of .8 pounds. I shouldn't say only...becuase a loss is a loss. This puts me at 183.6. For the first time in AGES, the weight watchers scales actually weighed me .4 pounds higher than my home weight. NORMALLY, the weight watchers scales peg me at about a pound less than my home that is what is disappointing. Ahh well. Like I said...a loss is a loss.

The other thing....I'm losing weight that I have already lost. That is getting old. I'm actually at the same weight right now...that I was at last November! I'm also about 4 pounds from my lowest ever weight. At least I'm no longer 10 pounds above that low weight...but still....I"m higher! The weird clothes are fitting looser than they fit last November! My Levi Jeans are postively loose on in I can take them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them. I'm always yanking them up when I wear them. :-) I'm sure that looks a site.

I should be doing something productive here around the house. I have painting to do (the back porch...the wood is a bit water logged so I couldn't paint that...but the alum siding I could be working on) ...the kitchen floor is in desparate need of a mopping. The house needs vacumned. I could scrub out the toilets and be ahead of the game for my weekly Wednesday cleaning. BUT, here I sit on my computer. Being a total bum! We did go to town this morning to get the two pieces of wood to finish up the back porch deck (nope...I claim no responsibility for miscalculating when we bought....personally I think they didn't send the right number...tee hee hee) We had to get another box of screws. I got another honeysuckle plant/bush for the yard. WEEEEE I love honeysuckle! I ran into Martins to get milk...and we ran into Sam's to get a big bag of chicken. (todd uses it for fajitas and his lunches). Exciting stuff I know!

Speaking of yummy smelling honeysuckle. The lilac's are coming! They smell SOOOO good! I can't wait till they are actually fully out so I can put some in the house. I only wish that they woudl last longer than they do. It seems as if lilac's are out for just a day or two before they are gone for another year. Oh well.

I also need to get a little mileage in. My weekly minimum is 25 miles. I've got in 24.61 miles. SO pretty much anything would suffice. I'll probably aim for my normal 25-30 minute ride tonight though. Maybe I'll jog a bit when I get home. Even my 2 mile jog would get me there!

Monday, April 21, 2008


I haven't weighed myself since last Tuesday morning. I've just stayed away. I know that I said taht i was goign to 'ignore the scales so that I wouldn't obsess. BUT, I'll be the first to admit that I ignored the scales mainly because of the fact that while I felt as if while I haven't been way off base...I haven't been all that great in my eating. NOr have I been exercising because of the sinus thing. But I wanted to know how bad it was. So this morning I stepped on. I about fell right back off the scales. 183.2! WOO HOOOO! I couldn't remember what my 'home' weight was last Tuesday. So I just went back and reread last weeks Tuesday didn't give the exact weight (probably because I couldn't remember the fraction of the pound when i went to write my entry) but it did say slightly over 185. That's 2 pounds! Hot diggity dog diggity!

Sucks though. I had about two days of my sinus' not draining. I woke up this morning and they are draining big time again. No congestion. Just that miserable draining! I guess I shouldn't complain...because the draining is just annoying....nothing like having the whole shebang happening.

I was talking to a friend last night. We were talking about eating and my issues with food. When I stated my reasons out loud again for why I wanted to lose weight in the first place, it really hit home. My bad eating was goign to kill me. Plain and simple. I also admitted that I'm just really scared about gaining the weight back. I mean, I slipped and gained back 10 pounds in the last few months.....ouch!

Meanwhile, I need to buckle down. Power through this and just get this weight off! Stop dilly dallying around with my time. Why am I sitting on the fence post with my weight. I either need to be doing it....or not doing it. None of this 'kinda sorta' stuff. I just need to say, I'm doing it. Focus all my energy and attention on the weight loss and run with it!

Well...I have my minimum of 25 miles each week as my goal. I'm running my week from Wednesday through the following Tuesday. (basically to match my weight watchers week...just to keep things simple). I woke up yesterday morning.....with NO miles logged for the week. I am proud to say that at the end of the day I have logged 17.3 miles. That means if I ride for 30 minutes today and thirty tomorrow, that I'll reach my goal for the week. Nope..I don't like to squeeze it all into three days. But it's better than nothing! :-) Exercise wise...I need to get back into the videos. I do feel as if they are a good thing for me. I know that I need to start working with some weights...and sculpting a bit. :-)

Yesterday morning woke up the sound of the wind ripping and the rain pouring down on the house. It alternately poured and drizzled all day. Utterly miserable. Well, I wasn't miserable..I stayed safely esconced in my house...all nice and dry! :-) We got over 3 inches of rain yesterday. SOOOOO I was hoping to see the sun......nope, it was drizzling when I woke up and left the house...but we've already had a downpour since I've been here at work....and now it's just raining steadily! ARRGGHHHHHH I had wanted to get outside and continue painting the outside of the house (I started on Saturday. I figure that instead of waiting for an unobstructed day to paint...I can chip away and do a bit here and a bit there over the next few weeks and then it will be done)...but it doesn't look as if that will be happening today. Hopefully though it will dry out by Wednesday so that Todd and I can get out with our new chipper and work on the piles of wood. :-) Not to mentiont to test the chipper to see if it works! The third time is hopefully the charm on this one! :-)

Sunday, April 20, 2008

more of the same

Yes, it's more of the same. I haven't been utterly 'bad' but I haven't been exactly good either. I had been struggling with some sinus pressure and the headache to match for a few days. On Wednesday I woke up and felt miserable....congested...hoarse.....sore throat. Actually I felt pretty bad on Tuesday. In fact, I almost didn't go to my meeting on Tuesday night because of it. Sooooo consequentially, I didn't ride the bike on Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. On Saturday I was starting to feel better..but life was just kickin' up a storm. I did get off my butt and ride fo 25 minutes today. 6 miles....that's what I did. My minimum is 25 miles a week....I have until Tuesday to get my 25 miles. I've got 19 miles to go! eii yii yiii. Maybe I can get another ride in later today. If I watch the next episode of The biggest Loser should be an hour long episode (45-50 minutes) which usually nets me about 10-13 miles. That will put me back into spitting distance of at least reaching my goal for this week. If I average out my mileage for each week....I'm well ahead of my goal (at the end of last week I had 103.24 miles....and to be on track I only needed to have I'm good) BUT I don't want to have that carry me...that's cheating!

I haven't been on the scales since Tuesday morning. I'm a bit afraid. I know I need to do it.

Stressful week. On Thursday night, we went to flip on the heat at about 11PM. Just to take the chill off the house. Well, I'm reasonably sure that we shouldn't see a flash coming from the furnace nor smell a pretty bad burning smell. We quickly turned it off...and actually flipped the breaker to be sure. Todd ran over and got a space heater from the old apartment and we went to bed. Not much you can do in the middle of the night...and as it wasn't freezing we were ok. In the morning we called a repair place to come in. They came....told us it was shot to hell. They qoated a price to get a new electric furnace....4,900 dollars. Or we could go 5,500 and get a heat pump..more effiencent. Well, we definitely wanted the heat the long run it would save us money. Well, I was reeling from the price when I went to work. Well, when Sam, the teller supervisor heard that, she immediately called her husband and asked him what he would charge us. He quoted us a price of 2500. That is parts and labor. I have talked to him and he seems knowledgable...and I know he loves what he's obvious from talking to him. So I gave the go ahead. :-) He came over Friday night to double check what he would need. ANd he was here Saturday morning to install it. We are not happy that we had to chunk out ANY money...but we are happy that we got a new heating/air system. Ironically enough, we are enthralled with our new thermostat! :-) We don't have to flip between heat and automatically switches when it gets to certain temps (with a gap between the two of course). That's pretty cool. Especially since for the last week or so, we have to run the air in the day...and the heat at night! No more forgetting to turn on the heat at night and waking up freezing! WOO HOOO> We thought we had it good just to have central heat and air...this is ten times better. And to remember and think about the fact that 2 months ago we were in a place that was heated with SPACE heaters!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008


I really do feel that this acceptance of myself is a huge part of what may be holding me back. I totally haven't accepted myself as a 'thinner' person. In my mind I'm still a fat girl. I've always said that I'll probably always be a fat girl in my mind. BUT, thinking about it...I've got to do whatever I can to see myself as a normal girl...a little chunky still...but a normal weight. I didn't start to lose the weight until I accepted myself for me. I do feel that my success was and is largely contingent on the fact that I said, "woah, I like myself...even though I'm fat, I really like myself" And while they say that's the key...I'm really starting to feel taht I've changed so much physically.....that I need to really sit down and accept myself again. Yeah, I really like me....but instead of saying "woah, I like myself, even though I'm fat" is no longer relavent. I need to actually sit down and accept the fact that I'm considered 'normal' now. I need to accept my body at this new stage.

I guess I should talk more about my not so secret admirer to explain something. The note that I got was totally out of the blue and yes, a bit weird to get in a professional setting. BUT, talking more about my emotions. Number one when I read it I was in total shock. I laughed! Me...this couldn't be happening to me! I'm a fat girl! NO Way! Fat girls don't get these kinds of letters. Fat girls don't get cat calls/whistles. So why in the world was I getting this note! Shock...plain and simple. Yeah, after I thought about it I started to feel really good about it all. But it does show that I haven't accepted my body at all.

I will also say that a while back, I was crossing the street and got a whistle from a trucker. Yeah, it's a trucker... (no offense to truckers) and I about stumbled and fell because it shocked me so dang much. I don't get whistles!

And that's what needs to change. Apparently I have people that do admire my looks. Yeah, my husband and parents tell me...but do they really count? They love me. And meanwhile, I need to accept myself for what I am now. Thank the good Lord for the note to give me something concrete to really help me realize that I truly have changed.

I haven't been on the scales for a few days. This morning it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales. I weighed in at a little over 185. That is down from my high the other day of 189.4 I'll see what my official weigh in is tonight. But I'm confident taht I can keep the scales sliding downward. know.....when I first started to lose weight...way back when (120 pounds ago) My goal was to get to roughly 200 pounds. That was my goal. I had said if I could get under 200 pounds I'd be estatic. I never even dreamed of making it into the 170's.....In fact, I thought getting under 200 was a pipe dream. My 'realistic' goal was 220. Going along with the acceptance of myself...I've got to accept the fact that I made that original goal...and create a new goal for myself. Even though once I started losing weight I adjusted my goal downward into the healthy weight range, in my head, I've already far surpassed my original goal. No wonder I've been floundering!

Monday, April 14, 2008

I alway said that I didn't start losing weight until I accepted myself for myself and said. You know, I'm overweight. I'm goign to accept the fact thaI did this to myself. I dont' have to like it but I accept it. I accept the extra rolls of fat around my stomach. Yes, I'm going to try to change...but I accept it. Maybe I need to accept the fact that I'm no longer morbidly obese. I still think of myself in terms of being 300 plus pounds. I have my admirer that comes through the drive through here at work. (I think I told you about that, a customer~he's about 8 years older than I~ gave me a note that said, I think you are so hot). But in my mind I'm still thinking, how can he think someone that weighs what I do is hot. I'm a tub of lard. Could this be part of the reason i'm not it a mental block...I've got to accept myself for what I am NOW.....hmmmm food for thought. (ohhhhhh bad pun!)

I was amazed at myself yesterday. Mom and I drove to this fabulous kitchen shoppe (gadgets and gizmo's galore, a perfect heaven for someone that loves that type of word, we were giddy with it all). She hadn't had lunch so when I stopped to get a drink at Wendy's (I had already downed my 64 ounces of I splurged and drank a diet coke. Yep that's my splurge) she got a small fry. (made me made, she's trying to lose, she's diabetic. Shall I continue??) Anyway, she offered me some. I had two. And then I was like, "They really don't taste all that great", so I stopped. I'll admit, I "wanted" more. But I realized that I didn't really like them and was able to stop.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Am I on a see-saw???

If I even have one bite extra it seems as if my weight skyrockets! I was I'm back up after having a little snitch that I tried to eradicate by riding the exercise bike extra in I rode 25.3 miles yesterday!!!! Am I just doomed? NO.....I've got to get rid of that mentality! I will do this!!!!!

Here is something that I found on a journal online. It is from a lady that lost a lot of 145 pounds in 14 months. And she gained it all back....relatively fast also. Now she is slowly losing. Happy to be losing slowly and here is something that she idea she has on this weight loss thing....sounds like it may fit.
I may not have this weight loss thing figured out yet, but there is one thing I have learned for sure. Losing weight fast may look good momentarily, but unless I'm willing to eat that way for the rest of my will not stay off. I lost 145 pounds in about 14 months....that's very quick. It was quick because I was never happy with a small loss, so I kept cutting foods out of my diet to keep the scale moving down quickly. In the beginning, when I was following the WW program, I was eating everything and I was losing. But the minute those losses slowed down to a slower (and very normal!) pace, I would panic and stop eating some other food group. When I tried to add foods such as bread, cereal, potatoes, pizza, etc, back into my diet....not only did I start craving it from eliminating them all for a year and a half, but the weight starting piling back on twice as fast as I lost it. I would eat a sandwich and chips, and gain five pounds was like a bad dream that I couldn't wake up from, and it left me dazed when it was over, hating myself......and searching for answers.

That does sound very true. I've limited myself greatly over the last few. I've never elminated though. BUT, once I eat something that I've limited greatly...oh my word...I crave it sooooo bad! AND yes.....the weight comes back really quickly! Will my body ever regulate????

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Well....I was doing it. My weight was at 189.4 at my highest (or right around there...I'm at work and don't have my 'book' with me to verify. On Monday my weight was at 186.4. I was so proud of myself. And then Tuesday morning.....189.something. ACK! That is enough to make me ill! I do think some of it was water retention. Yesterday we were working outside and I was running to the bathroom literally once every half hour. So I know I was getting rid of water. I didn't weigh myself this i dont' know where I'm at.

I will say though...that I'm sure it wasn't all water. I did a little baking on Monday night...and it's quite possible that I had a little bit of cookie dough. Oh yes, and maybe a bite or two of biscotti dough. Well.....and mabye a lick of cake batter.

Exercise wise...I got my mileage in for last week.......more than my goal of 25 miles per day! Riding on Sunday morning for 11.3 miles helped kick that into gear. Actually, I got some mileage in each day....making 5 miles or more each day. Woo hooo!

Well...yesterday we went to use our new chipper and mower. The mower. What took me 3-4 hours last year with the push mower took me exactly 35 minutes with the riding lawn mower! WOO HOOOO! The chipper.... It works like a charm. Or should I say it worked like a charm....until the starter broke (like the third time we went to use it....but we got two hours of work in with it before that happened). Now we are back to 'fighting' with Lowes. It shouldn't be a fight... started wtih the fact that we actually have delivery coming today. Well, when we called to talk to them about an exchange.. (nope..I don't want that bad boy broke the first day we used it...I want an exchange)...anyway,they checked and promised delivery today. Well this morning they called and told us that. Number one, the chipper isn't coming...they dont' have any (AGAIN....this sounds familiar!) and by the aren't getting a delivery today..the only delivery going to Sharpsburg is goign to Darlene Churchey. We politely told them (again...we told them in the store) taht Darlene Churchey is the person that had the number BEFORE us. (Ironically enough, Darlene was a good friend of Todd's grandmother....and she goes to our church....what a coincidence). They then told us that 'oh well..we can't change it's already being delivered. OHHHH NO! I was already at work when Todd relayed this information to me. So I got on the horn and called Lowes.....asked to go to a supervisor immediately. I told her that my frustration level is reaching peak proportions. I told what happened last week and how we had planned to one day to be home for the delivery...but they messed it up so we had to wait and take more time off work (Todd wasn't able to go to the studio...had to cancel a session) for them to fix their mistake last week. AND then this week the same thing! The supervisor apologized and was like, "no, we'll find one at a different store and try to get it to you today." Well, they got the drivers of the truck to bring back the mistaken delivery to our place. And the delivery guys told todd that they didn't have the chipper...and they dont' know much about it...except that we will be getting it today. What a mess! I hate to have to pull the supervisor bit...but that seems to be the only way we can get anything done! I'm fed up with Lowes! BUT, the good thing. I have to admit, I called Todd's idea to get a chipper and make our own mulch a hairbrained idea. I was totally skeptical. Well...turns out (when the chipper is working) it is a wonderful idea. This thing turns these 3 inch in diameter (and long...some up to 10 feet long) branches into this fine chips....we have started a mulch pile off to the side. So the boy came up with a good one! Nope...don't brag him up too much when you see him....he will be too difficult to live with!

Hopefully Dad won't have problems with his new mower that he got from Lowes. I've told him that if he gets it put together on Friday...that on Saturday or Sunday I'll mosey into town and mow the restaurant, their house and my grandmothers yard. It shouldn't take long for those little postage stamp sized yards....even with push mowing...tee hee hee. (and good exercise).

As forementioned, I'm back at work after having a few days off to celebrate our anniversary. HOPEFULLY, the chipper will be there when I get off work at we can work out in the yard a bit. Well, if the rain holds off. It's a 20% chance today (10% chance this afternoon) So the odds are with us...but this every day being dreary and overcast makes you wonder. The rain better hold off...I was outside this morning in 45 degree temps (it's supposed to get to 60 today) hanging clothes on the line!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Feeling much better

Things just kept going catawumpus belly up for me. I could get no control. Friday morning however, I woke up and got on the scales. 189.4!!!! EEECCCCHHHH I kept a tenuous hold on my eating all day Friday. And thus far today, Saturday, I've been able to keep a loose grip on my eating. It's rough. I just want to eat eat eat! BUT I'm not doing it. I refuse to go backwards any longer! I've been exercising......getting in my miles for my challenge. TOday I went out and jogged for 2 miles. I'm planning on getting on the exercise bike to bring myself up t0 5 miles for today...but hoping for at least 7 for today.'s a story for you. On one hand, I'm flattered...but I'm also freaked by it! Working at the bank we have regulars that come through. Like especially on Friday's like clockwork. I chit chat with them all...and it's cool. Well last night one of hte regulars came through the window. I did his transaction and before he pulled away, he picked up an evelope and stuck it in the bucket or me to pull back inside. At first I thought it was something he just wanted me to interoffice to another department...but, He said, "here's something to make you smile". He started to pull away ever so slowly as I opened this sealed envelope. Inside there was a piece of paper and on it were the words. "I think you are SO hot!" He drove away then. This guy is married....probably only about 5-10 years older than I. I have to wait on him every Friday night! I can't do it! Yes, I'm flattered that someone thinks I'm hot. (Yeah, that's actually a huge thing...because being the fat girl, I have never been told that much. Yeah, my parents say I'm good looking...and my husband.....but do they count???) BUT come hand someone a note that says that.....someone you deal with proffessionally??????? It's a bit junior highish isn't it???? YES, I showed it to Todd...he's teasing me about it. However, I"m also teasing him. I asked him to do something trivial last night and he complained...and I was like, "I bet my not so secret admirer wouldn't complain!"

Thursday, April 03, 2008


Yes...I'm depressed and down in the dumps still!

I did get the house cleaned yesterday. That's about the only positive thing I've accomplished the last day and a half. Lets see...yesterday morning...I decided to hang my wash out on the electricity and all clothes smell so darn nice when they are hung out to dry (ok, sorry to rub it in...with allergies that's probably not a nice thing). ANYWAY, I got out there, and I got just about the whole load up on the first line and was just about ready to head in to put the next load in the washing maching when I heard this little pop.....and down went my clothes. YEP...the line broke. In all fairness...the line was old. BUT STILL! NEXT, we were waiting around for LOwes to deliver our wood chipper, new mower and sheds. THey got there we were darn excited. Well...the first words out of their mouth was "the chipper is not here". Seems as though even though we ordered it (early enough for the special order...or whatver) they sold we now had tow ait for them to order it again. OK......we swallowed our dissapointment...we were hoping to start chipping up some of the brush piles that we have around here! NO PROBLEM...we'll start putting up a shed.....a 'mower house' as my mom called it. WAIT A SECOND!!!!!! Where is the flooring kit that was supposed to come free with the sucker!!!!!!! I called back to Lowes immediately....and got transferred to kingdom come......and then transferred again. Finally they took my number and said they would call me back. Meanwhile, TOdd and I decided that since everything else was a bust we would start scrapping the front deck to get it ready to paint. I had just bought a handy dandy Kobalt (nice brand) scrapper.......less than 5 minutes into the process.....the stupid thing broke! Lowes never called back yesterday. WE did go and buy new clothes line and I did get that repaired yesterday evening. THEN lets Oh yes, my oven rack came (I"ve only got one...which is a really need to have two)......they sent me the wrong one. I paid a stinkin' $10 shipping fee to ship this rack that was only worth $16...and now I have to pay to ship it back AND still pay to have the correct one shipped to me!

Can I just rewind and start the month again?????? Oh weight is still up! And not going down any! OF course maybe my eating would be a culprit as to why it's still going up! ARRGGHHH I need to get myself under control (of course my husband asking me to make cookies for him to take somewhere this afternoon didn't help my plan this morning any!) And yes...I"m depressed about this weight thing also! I'm a mess!

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

battling this upset

Last night at my meeting (I didn' weigh in) I was talking to two of the gals that are regulars (they are both actually lifetimers now). We were talking about my issues...and how I've been stuck in the 180's for about 6-8 months now. I shared how extremely frustrated I am. I lose down to about 180, and then hit a wall. I try and get frustrated so I give up and eat poorly....and gain a little back. I lose those two pounds and hit that same 180 pound wall. I get frustrated and gain a little back.....but instead of two pounds it's three. Each time the gaining gets a little worse! Right now I'm about 8-9 pounds up from my lowest weight! That is terrible. Depressing. Right now I have no control. I am so disgusted with myself that I just want to eat and forget about it all. The gals had some comments and ideas. They are as follows.
1. SHerry thinks I need to see a doctor to have a complete workup done. She talked about how she had hit a wall and just couldn't lose weight and when she went to her doctor and they did bloodwork her hormones were out of whack...they put her on the pill and she started losing. She thinks that all this weight I've lost could have knocked my body out of whack...preventing me from losing anymore weight.
2. Janelle brought up the fact that I'm stressed because I've been spending $40 a month for weight watchers. I've been stressed about this move. Stress stress stress. Stress as we all know negatively affects weight loss.
3. Sherry suggested then that I need to go to a doctor and have a doctor sign off that my current weight is a healthy one for me. Just to have weight watchers accept the fact that this may be my weight....put me on lifetime.....and then I can stop paying. Yeah, I can lose further....but I wouldn't be stressed about paying anymore!
4. They simply encouraged me to not give up. To follow the plan becuase as they said and I even said...we KNOW it works if you follow it consistently...without giving up through the bad times!

Cindy, the receptionist, is having much the same problems that I am having. Just can't seem to get her eating under control......and that helps to know that I'm not the only one!

ON to the challenge. THe challenge is either for walking or other exercise. If we do the walking she encouraged us to pick a mileage that we wanted to aim for. If we did 'other' we could pick an amount of time to aim for as our goal. Well, since I do a combo of both, and some biking and some this and some that. I'm converting everything I do into a mileage and I'm aiming for 25 miles a week......equaling 650 miles for the grand shebang! I can do this!

Just checked Chance of precip 0% High of 57. So actually maybe a bit on the cooler side (cooler than I may have preferred) but still a pretty nice day to be outside doing manual labor. WOO HOOOOO!!!!! And just think...every hour of manual labor......worth three miles on my 'conversion' chart!

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Feeling Blue

Yes, i'm feeling blue. Down in the dumps. Somewhat depressed. Just pain out and out blah! You see....last week i was determined to turn my downward spiral around. I was so strong. I did so good. I dropped two pounds. Then one day, all of a sudden with no warning and no reason, my weight jumped back up those two pounds. I sucked it up and kept chugging along. UNTIL SUNDAY! Da-Da-Da-DUM. Yes, Sunday came...and I lost it. I ate and ate and ate....cake. Cake batter, hot cake from the oven, cake with icing. My normal food intake had started out good, but once I started eating the cake...why the heck should I hold back. For dinner I joined mom and dad at the Craker Barrel and I had a sandwich and applesauce. No, that's not all that bad...but did I have teh points for it? NO! Had I already eaten enough veggies for the day? NO! Should i maybe have gotten the veggie plate? YES! I did however refrain from the biscuits and cornbread. I told her to only bring the one for my dad. Monday....I was planning on eating at home before goign to i wouldn't be tempted to eat the potluck food. DID I? Oh yeah, I had to muffins, a banana and a homemade granola bar (or two). WHat's up with that....and then since I had only had 'a snack'...I ate at work! Sheesh! And then about an hour or two later before it was put away, I had round two! Oh yeah..... Ate a full dinner when I got home also! Not something to be proud of.

SOOOOO this morning I stepped on the scales.....188.something. I can't remember the something. 188!!!! That makes me want to cry. I just can't seem to get myself under control! I am going to my meeting tonight. I'm not weighing in....I'm too depressed to see my official weigh in (plus I already ate my big meal of the day with Todd at lunch, so that will skew my weigh in anyway). I am going to go to the meeting though. I think we are getting ready to start a walking/activity/fitness challenge tonight....and I want to get the particulars on that.

Tomorrow our stuff from Lowes will be delivered. Hopefully the weather will cooperate because we want to work outside all day. If we have to be grounded at the house, we may as well be outside working. We are hoping to work more to clear some more land. I may work on striping the paint on the front porch. Andif the stuff is delivered early...the options of things to do outside is almost endless!