I Never Wanted to see that Again

​I’m struggling…and I’m struggling big time.  Yeah, with my weight, but while I am trying it’s not my focus right now.  My focus right now is putting one foot in front of the other and making it through each day.

Back in early August I started to feel ‘off’.  I found myself crying…a lot.  I felt overwhelmed with everything.  I was struggling.   It was really bad for a few weeks.  I remember mowing one day and just crying…. and there wasn’t any one reason to cry.  Nothing was that horrible. I tried to convince myself that I was just tired….as I get quite weepy when I’m tired.

I have had a few times in life where I have had bouts with being depressed.  Once in college, once while teaching and periodically during the demise of my first marriage.  It was all situational and each time I knew that if I removed myself from the situation that I would be fine.   So I knew what I was feeling.  I was also concerned because there was no real situation to remove myself from. My marriage is good.  We have a property that we are enjoying bringing back to life.  Sure, I was worried about mom…and in august I was worried about my job security.  But not enough to sink into that awe full feeling of depression.   Yet there I was anyway. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, a bout of depression had made its way back into my life.

The months passed and I continued to struggle.  Holding it together, barely.   And then this week it got bad again.  It got bad enough that I had an attack such that I had when I was teaching.  Where my throat closes up…and I literally can’t breath.   This sent me to the hospital a few times way back when because, well it’s not a good feeling to not be able to get a breath of air.   Jason was there this morning when it happened  and he was terrified. He told me later that he was on the verge of calling 911.  I recognized it for what it was and worked hard to get myself calm…because even though it was 22 years ago since the last time, I well remember how they feel and how I got through them.    In the midst of trying to calm myself I heard Keewee, the bird starting to get stressed out in reaction to me.  (I asked Jason about that later and he was like, “ oh yeah, as soon as you started to struggle to breathe that bird got freaked out’). 

This bout of depression and whatever kind of attack you want to call my breathing issue,  is bothersome.  Life is good.  Yeah, I have a gimp husband at the moment due to his run in with an axe.  Sure finances will be tighter without his income while her recoups. (Which is why we bought a house that while in good shape that  needed some TLC, as it kept our price down…and thus as close as possible to being able to live on one paycheck.) But that’s normal life stuff.   

I have been battling a rash off and on since mid august.  It was bad for about 3-4 weeks…and then I had a week of bliss with no rash…and it came back with a vengeance.  Another month of misery (medication from urgent care did nothing).  I had about a week of bliss and voila…it’s back.  Luckily not as bad, and no where near as widespread as it was the other two rounds.  But just enough to be bothersome. 

Jason’s food is doing well.   The wound itself   Is healing, but slowly.  The doctor has left in the stitches as the wound is actually still bleeding and seeping.  (He only had the bare minimum of stitches to hold the wound together as they said they wanted it to heal from the inside out…and to allow it to drain to try to prevent infection.  So his stitches will remain for almost a month (if they take them out at the next appointment.). We still are on the conservative path in which we are giving his body a chance to heal before we rush into surgery.  So far so good.  When the doctor called us about the test results he was on the fence about surgery or not.  At our appointment this week he was happy with the progress of Jason’s issues /wounds and flat out recommended the conservative approach.  So that’s a good sign.  We shall see what happens with the next appointment which is in a few weeks.  

Jason’s dad has been fantastic.  We started working on that shed on our vacation and had been sneaking a few hours of work in on it on the weekends (literally we were doing about 3-4 hours each weekend…so it was going slow).  Since Jason’s injury, his parents have been coming over every few days and putting in a few hours on the shed to help us get it under cover and closed in before winter.  It also gets Jason out of the house as his parents pick him up on their vehicle and drive him to the shed…and he hangs out on a chair with his foot propped while they work.   (I struggle to keep him off his foot…but Mamma  Staggs keeps an eye on him when he is down there….although I’m not sure she has better results either!).  

My weight.  ~sigh~.   I’m trying.  I really am. I’m failing…yes I am.  And of course, the failure at losing weight adds to my emotions.   Jason’s words today were ‘put the weight on the back burner for now until you are feeling better.’  But that is giving up….and as I said in my last post, I may not have control of a lot but I do have control over what I eat.   So I will keep pushing forward and at least trying…even if I occasionally struggle and give in to the stress eating, the comfort eating, the whatever eating.    My only consolation is that my weight has stayed within a 3-5 pound range.  So I’m not gaining!   But I’ll admit to being stressed every time I step on the scale, worried about what I will see.

So I’m here.  I’m hanging on by a thread, but I’m here. 

Take my breath away

This is the year that I am once and for all going to become a runner. OK, it's at least the year that I get this running of a 5K out of my system.  I participated in my first 5k, the Turkey Trot on Thanksgiving day.   I did it with Paula (left) and Terri (right) .   We did have bouts of jogging during that run.  But we walked a good bit of it (as evidenced by my time.  LOL)   It was fun and it got my feet wet.  I KNEW that my original goal of simply not being the last to cross the finish line in my division was not good enough to make me happy.  I wanted to actually RUN the whole thing.  I sat on that idea for a bit.  After all it was cold outside.  It's winter and I think I've already made it clear that I'm a bit of a wimp!!!!   But as you know I started the Couch to 5K program this week.  I even started it on a blustery cold as crap day.  Or so I thought.....

Yesterday I knew I had to get my run in.  I had a few motivating factors. Of course there is the March 23'd run coming up on me.  I also knew that my friend Sherry was doing the the same program that I am doing and I didn't want to fall behind her!   The video that I posted yesterday was also a huge motivator!   If he could do what he did, then I can overcome a little cold weather....a little discomfort!  So out I went.  It was getting dusky.  It was cold.  It was snowing all around me...swirling and making it beautiful.  (the path was clear)   The windchill was 15 degrees F...yes, I was outside running and walking in that kind of weather.  It amazed even me.  But while I was running I started thinking about this running thing and how I am handling it.  I thought back to the turkey trot.   I thought about how my first two runs had gone.  It was  startling discovery.   My legs were not the reason that I struggled.  I didn't struggle with running because my legs just couldn't move.  I struggled for a totally different reason.

I struggle with running because my breathing gets harsh and choppy.   I felt as if my chest were going to explode during the Turkey Trot.  My breathing was a mess and that breathing caused me to falter in my mission. It wasn't a lack of energy.  It wasn't a feeling of dead weight in my legs.  It was my breathing, through and through.    It was almost as if I started running and my mind realized it and I panicked and started to hyperventilate.    So yesterday,  I focused on my breathing.  Deep breathe in for 3-4 steps, then breathe out for 3-4 steps.  It worked!  I regulated my breathing and the time went by without my feeling like my chest was in dire straights.     As soon as I stopped my focus though, the choppy panicked breathing came back.   Focus focus focus.   I know that if I focus on my breathing that what I am REALLY doing is training myself how to breathe while I run.  I can do this!

Meanwhile, I will be signing up for the Keller Williams 5K which is on March 23rd of this year!!!!! (I'll be running for the north side...I like that course best..... in case you are nearby and want to join in the fun!)

This morning I hooked up with my partner in crime running, Sherry.   We did Day one of Week 2 together.  We have decided that early Sunday mornings will be our get together. In this way we can exercise AND have our weekly spill the beans and get stuff off our chests session.   It will keep us on target as we know that every Sunday morning we will be moving another week further in the training..and I for one certainly don't want to get left in the dust.  :-)   It was chilly again this morning.  It was Sherry's first experience running outside in the cold (and in fairness only my third).  She handled the cold  with great aplomb and realized the same thing that I did.....most of the fear of the cold is in our heads.  It really isn't that bad!



Took  a sneaky little peak at the scales.  If I can hold it together today....I'll be OK for my official weigh in tomorrow...even with that pop of weight yesterday.  :-)