Thursday, February 03, 2022

I want

​I want so much.  I have such grand ideas…but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.  I still desperately want to lose weight.  And it is so weird to want something so badly but yet find myself shoveling food into my mouth like a crazed woman.    That is where I am at.  I want more for my life than a job that is honestly just a job…8 hours of being someone’s slave.  I want, but it always seems as if I come up lacking.

The job situation

Work has continued to be stressful. The job itself is stressful but the management is making it near unbearable.  There is so much micromanaging it is ridiculous.  I wrote out a long vent paragraph, but have always tried to be responsible with what I post…so I got rid of it.  Just know that I am quite unhappy.   I basically wish my weeks away…come on Friday evening!  I feel the depression settle in each Sunday…Sunday morning just a twinge…but growing more steadily throughout the day until Sunday evening when the dread is back full force.  That is no way to live.

2022 miles in 2022

My mileage challenge is going well.  I finished the month of January with some extra miles ‘in the bank’.  Yes, I am ahead of where I need to be in order to get my yearly miles. I consistently ride the exercise bike and we continue to walk every evening after work.  

Happy with my decision

I remain happy and content with my decision to stop posting on YouTube.  I miss the encouragement and some of the people that I follow.  But when I think about turning on my computer to watch…we’ll it just doesn’t happen.  I just can’t eat to do it…The freedom form the work involved in the YouTube channel just keeps me from even having the energy to turn on the computer.  I am bothered abbot about my phone though.  I have tried a few times to reply to comments on this site and to comment on other peoples blogs and my phone won’t let me comment!  I clear my cookies and clean the cache but seriously…it doesn’t work!   Grrrrrr!  Just know that I am reading your posts and comments!  (Remember what I said earlier about not even turning the computer on)


Ahhh the big weight loss section.  Here it is.   So my 50 in 50 pound challenge.  The challenge to lose 50 pounds in the year that I turn 50 (this year). I started January strong with 5 pounds…and since then yo-yoed. I have some days maintained that 5 pound loss and other days I throw up my hands and say well apparently I haven’t lost a single thing in this new year.   

I know that it is 100% my effort that is lacking.  I can’t even dare say that I’m eating completely right.  I’m tracking?  What’s that!     (I have managed to stop eating the constant stream of apple dumplings though.  I eat one the first day I make them and then no more…so about one dumpling a week.).   How is it possible to want something so bad but have seemingly no control over my efforts to obtain it.   And yes…I know I ultimately have the control….but I’m struggling with grabbing and maintaining the control. 

So you can see…I want….but I’m lacking!    Even with the depressing  talk that has filled this post….I know that I am lucky.  I have a man that loves me just the way I am.  I have something that some people may never experience…and for that I am blessed!!!  I just need to figure out how to fix these other areas of my life!!!