it was only

​I had another week where I felt like I was mostly on plan with this healthy living thing.  I also just felt like I was not going to lose any weight.

My week

I was on point almost the whole week.  I had one weekend day where I was a bit higher and a bit over my food budgets but for the most part I was spot on.  I am following the WW plan and that gives A person some weekly points for this extras…and I like to think to ‘live’ so I was actually ok.  

My water consumption was a bit spotty.  I made my goal most days but missed it a few times.  

Exercise I blew it out of the water with a victory!  I did great!  I even upped the intensity with going from aerobics to step aerobics!  It is amazing how something as simple as adding a step up and down makes a difference.  I was doing Zumba and other cardio workouts and many of the steps are similar…except for the step up and step down that is incorporated.  It makes a huge difference in intensity level!!!   I’ve been having a blast!

So my week was mostly victorious in terms of the healthy habits that I have been working to incorporate into my life!  So I have no clue why I was so nervous about any weigh in!

Stress

When will the stress bus leave me alone?  It’s been one thing after another…some things linger…some come and go.   

*Mom’s stroke and her rehab and current t state of course lingers.  

* I had that situstion with my work that started last July with uncertainty about the stability of my job and if I would have a job after the beginning of October

* and of course let’s not forget Axe Boy and his run in with an axe….and of course his long time off of work (he is still off work…it will be at least 4 months off work before he goes back…if he goes back after his next doctors appointment.  

So I’m still struggling with the stress of mom and  still stressed about Jason’s injury and the ongoing single paycheck family status for us.  The work thing righted itself and my job remained secure.   Until Friday when they called us into another meeting.  My current team is now being disbanded…”they are trying to find positions for everyone…but no guarantee and in fact maybe you should look for a job.”  I’m stressed!   

Weigh In 

So I had my weigh in.  I only lost 0.6.  I lost a stinking half pound!   Only a half pound for all my hard work!  What is up with that!   It’s super frustrating!  I wanted to scream with frustration at the scales when I saw my piddly weight loss.  

Even as frustration poured through me, I kept telling myself ‘it wasn’t a gain’.   The only failure is a gain!  A maintain is a victory.  A loss of even an ounce is a a victory!   So being disappointed by a half pound loss is stupid.  But it’s human!

It’s Only

Even as the disappointment settled within me, I turned to closing out my January and calculating my total loss for the month.   I ended the month with a 6.6 pound loss.  Once again I felt disappointed because I wanted more.  And 6.6 seems so tiny.  But then I started to think about something. 

6.6 pounds in one month…if I lost that every month this year…where would I be???   Not good at mental math?  That disappointing monthly total multiples by 13 is 79.2 pounds!  What!!!!   It’s only 6.6 pounds and it would equal 79.2 pounds.  That would put me very close to goal weight….by Christmas!!!  All for a disappointing 6.6 pounds each month. 79.2 is not disappointing!

That made me think about that 0.6 pounds.   If I just say I lost a half pound….that is shameful right?   But in a year ‘only’ a half pound would equal 26 pounds!   That is not shameful at all!  I’ve gained 10-15 pounds in one to two weeks!!!   

So instead of saying ‘it’s only’ we need to look at the long term and see about how it adds up in the long run!!!

I had a bad feeling

 We had another busy weekend!  When will things slow down?  Will they ever slow down?   It was a good week overall though!

Zoey

We had another fun week with our puppy.   We have had her for three weeks now and she is settling in.  She is a bit of a ham and comes running up to the camera, so I have to be sneaky with pictures!    When we got her, she was right at 32 pounds (at home weight).  She went to the vet a week after we got her and she was 34 pounds.   SHe went back to the vet this past week and she is now almost 42 pounds.  My girl is growing like a weed!

She is learning lots of new things.  Important things actually.  We continue to potty train her.  She is pretty good with that.  She just needs to figure out how to tell us she has to go potty.  She goes into the kitchen and stares at the door, but that is not a feasible method since we can't see her if she is in the kitchen.  So currenty we are jumping up and running to look to see if she is staring at the door.  We have jingle bells on the door which we rattle each time she goes out.  SHe has rattled it two times on her own and we have immediately taken her outside but she just plays out there on those trips.  SHe will get it....I hope!   She is also learning to not jump up on us.  As a puppy (albeit a big puppy) it's not too bad, but she is growing and will be well over a hundred pounds.  We can't have that much dog jumping up on us.  We have been working on how to walk on a leash without pulling our arms out of the sockets.  Newfoundlands are noted for being awesome at pulling....so it is her nature, and we are trying to break her of that.  We have been talking about getting her into drafting......pulling a cart.  But that won't come until she is at least 18 months old and her body is done growing and her bones and muscles are ready for it!  She is doing well! 

She enjoyed the 4-5 inches of snow that we got on Wednesday.  She was running and leaping in the air.  I honestly think that may have been one of her best days thus far in her life. 

Exercise and food

I have been doing great with my exercise and food.  I have been super consistent with my tracking.  I track each and every bite that I eat.  I have managed to keep my points within my target range for al but one day.  The day that I wasn't in my range was calculated and planned.  I also have my weekly points so that is what I used to cover my overage.  So I did great with eating.

Exercise I also did fantastic with.  I have remained consistent with my efforts and have exercised each day that was planned.  I did take some time off over the weekend to allow my body to heal.  I plan on doing that again this weekend.  My legs feel heavy and cumbersome, so I know it's time for a bit of a break!  I will still be walking the dog and doing other stuff...just not squats and jumping jacks and whateer else the youtube workout videos throw at me!  

Weigh in

I was nervous about this weigh in.  SO nervous.  I have not been weighing myself daily like I used to. It's not that I don't want to.  It's simply that I have been using the hall bathroom and my scales are in the master bath.    So it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales this morning.  Sadly, my fears were founded. (Don't ask me how I knew that it was not going to be a good week on the scales...I just had this gut feeling.)  I gained a pound.  

I am bummed.  No gain is ever welcome.  A maintain is hard enough to bear, but a gain?

I am telling myself that it's ok.  I know that I lived a healthy and fit life this past week and that the scales WIL catch up.  My main goal is to be fit and healthy and i did that.  The numbers on the scaes are a bonus whenever that happens.  The main thing is to stay consistent!  I'm not letting that number on the scale derail me from the good that I am doing!  So full steam ahead!

An Extreme Way to get steps!

Here we are and we are already closing out the second week of the new year!   Let me tell you, it has been a super eventful first two weeks of the year!   I've been killing it with my weight loss efforts.  We added to our family.   It's been....well it's been nuts!

Exercise

I have been absolutely killing it with my activity levels this year!  At the end of December I started to get things ready and lined up.   There wer some changes with furniture coming and I was losing my dedicated spot in the living room to do my exercises and really spread out.  So, I got a tv and made a nice spot for myself in our nearly empty family room.  (Nope, not much furniture in there yet).  We also got some bowflex adjustable hand weights.  I used my money from work (they give a certain amount of money each year that we can spend toward something fitness related....weights...bikes...fitness watches....gym memberships, etc).  So I knew that come the new year that there would be NO EXCUSE!    I also joined a step challenge on Youtube.  My personal goal is 8K steps each day.  That doesn't seem like a lot...but for someone that was struggling to get past 3k steps and whenever I managed to get to 5K I thought it was a big deal.  Thus, you can see that 8000 steps is ahuge thingfor me!   I started on the first of the year and I have been absolutely slaying the exercise/activity!  There is only 1 day that I have missed my 8K steps!  But when I average it out, I am KILLING it!   I have also chosen to do some type of formal exercise every day!  And the only days that I have NOT done something in terms of formal exercise are days where my steps are already through the roof.   BY formal exercise I mean a workout video....zumba, walking video....something like that.     My steps have increased and while my legs hurt the first few days, they are slowly getting better!   I was so determined to get my steps that I went to the extreme!   

New Family Member

About a week ago, Jason came flying into the office. He had found a Newfoundland puppy!   Now let me backtrack a bit.  I have ALWAYS known that Jason wanted and planned to get another newfoundland.  His first newfoundland had passed away before I met Jason and on one of our first dates (I think it was date number two) we actually had a conversation about my feelings toward big, slobbery, hairy dogs.   (I wonder if he would have halted and had no further dates if I had said that it would be an issue.  HMmmmmm )   So I have always known that it was just a matter of time before this would come to pass.  While we lived in our apartment he talked about it and actually switched to other dog breeds. (our apartment had a 40 pound weight limit for animals).   We finally got our own house...with land and I knew he would ramp up the talks!  Recently he had started talking about a rottweiler.    I knew it was coming soon.  I have even laughed and said "I expect you to come home from work one day with a puppy int he car...something that you run into in your travels to peoples houses".    So when he came flying into my office I wasn't surprised!  We went to see the puppy that night and the next night we welcomed a 33 pound newfoundland puppy into our house!

Meet Zoey. She was born September 19, 2022 and currently weighs 35 pounds. (She will weight over 100 pounds when she is full grown).

So there has been lots of dog walking in the yard. (the yard is not fenced).   OK, maybe getting a puppy is a bit of an extreme way to get more steps!  

Eating and Weigh In

My eating has been doing really well.  I have been tracking EVERYTHING and I've been managing to stay within my points budget most days.  I have had a few bobbles.  But I have always said that I am not striving for perfection, I am aiming for sustainability! What I have done the last few weeks have been perfectly sustainable!

So how have I done on the scale?   Well I have dropped just about 5 pounds in 13 days!  I had a moment of disappointment when I stepped onto the scale and saw a loss of just shy of 2 pounds for this week.  I wanted more!  But 2 pounds (1.8) is quite respectable and is a very healthy rate to lose weight!  So I will take it!

Life is still extremely crazy.   I'm trying to shuffle so much. I'm stressed about so many things.  But I am determined this year to take care of myself first and foremost!   Thus far I'm winning!

Habit Building

​It’s my birthday month!  Woohoo!!  It’s time to celebrate!

Ok, maybe there won’t be huge celebrations, but I’m going to claim the month as my own!

On December first I took the ‘this is a new year approach.    I didn’t wait for December first, it just so happened that my mind clicked on December first.  It wasn’t until about the third that I realized that I started over on a new month.

So what does my start over entail?  My start over at this exact moment is not hardcore.  It is tracking everything I eat. Good bad and ugly tracking.  I had not tracked through October or November.   This starting over is me working to get my water consumption back to a proper level.  My water consumption has been woefully lacking! And for right now that it is.  

Of course I know that living a healthy lifestyle involves a bit more than those two things.  It involves choosing healthier options in terms of my food consumption.  It involves adding more steps/activity/exercise into my life. And yes, those two things are probably more important than the tracking.  But I am building healthy habits right now. 

Tracking is one of the most important habits to build, for me at least.  This is for two reasons.  The first reason is that when  I’m not tracking I tend to eat more….and more….and more.  I eat and THINK I am eating decently.  But it’s crazy how many points/calories I am really eating!  I am still planning on following weight watchers.  I have had incredible success with their program in the past….and even in September when I was doing it I was seeing signs of success.   On the first of December I started tracking my food in the WW app.  I wasn’t aiming to be perfect in my food consumption…my goal was to track..to get in the habit of tracking.  I didn’t think it would be all that bad.  I wasn’t eating horrible!  I get 31 points a day…and I was hitting 55-60 points each day!  Yikes!     That brings me to the second reason why tracking is important for me.  Tracking is important because it makes me make healthier choices…it makes me more cognizant of my choices.   Slowly and without any real effort I have been seeing my daily points that I’ve consumed start to drop.  Yesterday I was only 6 points over.    Perfect?  Not at all, but much better than being 28 points over my daily budget.

We had a good weekend.  I worked on Friday after work and Saturday morning to get stuff done (groceries, laundry, errands, etc). On Saturday afternoon Jason and I drove up to check out the REI closest to where we live now.  And a nice little extra, there was a dollhouse store only a 2-3 miles from that REI!  I found a pair of bike shorts that were an incredible sale!  (70% off original price). They are a normal short but have a bike short insert.  At the dollhouse store I was able to control my impulses!  I wanted SO many things!  But, I only got three items and those three items were things I needed for a dollhouse scene that I am working on.  When we headed home we decided to stay off the interstate and we ended up stopping at Pine Grove State Park.   We couldn’t hike or do too much as Jason is still wearing a surgical boot…and can’t walk much without pain.  But we walked for a wee bit and we have vowed to go back.  (The Appalachian Trail goes through the park…so definitely good hiking!). 

On Sunday I spent time in the morning with my mom.  It is so difficult to see your parents age and to watch their health decline.  Mom is still struggling with the after affects of the stroke. (Physical mobility) and another condition that affects cognitive abilities. (Which the stroke also affects ). As hard as it is to see your mom barely able to walk even with assistance, It is so much harder to sit there and hear your mom struggle for something as simple as remembering what day of the month her daughter was born.  (FYI she got it wrong). 

After time with mom I drove south and spent a few hours geocaching with a long time friend. (Since we were about 12 years old).  It was a good thing.    

Monday…and back to work and the normal grind.  Still tracking…still working on my water consumption.  And gearing up for my birthday weekend!  I know that there will be cookies. It is my birthday cookie that my mom makes once a year…on my birthday.   I have the recipe and I will be attempting them this year.   

So this week has cookie making, a trip to the podiatrist for Jason’s foot, and of course my 50th birthday.

My weight?  I’m sticking to the water and tracking goal.  I don’t have a timeframe for actually adding in the next healthy habit/routine.  It will most likely be next week.  i want to have at least one of my habits a routine before adding a new habit.  I will be almost two weeks into tracking at that point…so I think I should be ready.  Water…well I’m still struggling with that!  But hey, I’m getting better, just a long way from being in a routine /habit with it!

The proverbial Rug

​I was so in line and going in the right direction…and then that rug was pulled right out from under me!   Yes…the rug was pulled out from under me and it totally messed with every positive thing I had implemented in my routine.

In my last post I was so positive.  I was tracking my food and watching what I ate.  I was working in the yard and doing Zumba.  I was hot on the trail of healthy living.   Things were going to ease up with time constraints and everything was fabulous!

Our apartment lease was up on July 2 and we made the last trip down…did everything we needed to do and said goodbye to that place!   I was so excited.  No more trips to Frederick to finish up moving/cleaning.  That would free up a weekend day!  I even made the comment  out loud,  ‘things will settle down now and we will have time to breathe’.   

Famous last words.

The very next day I received the type of  text and phone call that you never want to receive.  My mom was being taken to the hospital by ambulance.   I met her and my brother at the ER…and then they decided to take her by helicopter to a hospital 3 hours away, I followed as quickly as I could.

I had eaten nothing that day until I got to the hotel at 10…which is past my bedtime (hey I wake up really early every morning…).  Too tired to wait for delivery, I just ate some pringles/potato chips  that I bought from the hotel ‘kitchen/pantry’.   The next day my food choices were no better.  French fries AND onion rings from Burger King!  Healthy eating went out the window!  Ok, let’s be honest even being cognizant of my food choices was long gone also.   I ended up driving home and working Tuesday through Thursday..and then driving back to the hospital super early Friday morning.  I spent the three days at home  spending my time catching up from house chores that I had missed during the weekend and trying to get ahead for the upcoming weekend because I knew there was a good chance that I would be back in Pittsburgh at the hospital.  I ate snacks those three days.  I have long admitted that I’m a stress eater…so of course food was consumed.  And I was busy so no Zumba…and very little yard work was done by myself…I was busy doing laundry, getting groceries, cleaning, etc.

My second trip to Pittsburgh was no better with food.  I didn’t skip meals leaving  myself super hungry this time.  I just made horrible choices.  A cookie for lunch!  Why yes, that sounds delightful!  Why not do cookies again for breakfast!!!  Fried foods?  Why yes, I think I will!  My eating was ferociously horrid during my second trip to the Pittsburgh hospital also!

Mom has since been moved to a stroke rehab back here near her home.  A 30 minute drive for me.  So much more doable for visits.  So things have eased up.  But I remain stressed and worried about her.   I’m trying to pull myself back together in terms of my health…I’m really trying.  

Seeing mom struggle with a stroke has made me think more about my own health.  My weight is not healthy.  I am heading down a path toward health problems such as strokes, etc.   I know it.  Obesity is the pathway to so many debilitating and deadly diseases and conditions.  I know that I need to fix myself. My head is not in the sand. I know I need to change.

The problem?  My mind is at war.   The battle I am fighting you ask? The choice to: Eat what I want and feel the food addiction endorphins that make me feel better right now or eat healthy and feel better in the future.    On paper it seems clear….but it’s NOT clear in my head when it comes to actually making my food choices.  

I know I will regain my footing again…I know I can do it.  And I’m not promising that things will settle down…life doesn’t seem to work that way does it?

Pushing to the Light at the End of the Tunnel

 The last few weeks have been difficult.  Oh my, have they been hard!   I haven't kept it a secret that we moved.  I have even talked about the sheer exhaustion.  What I haven't talked about is how bad it has been.  I guess I didn't want to admit how far I have slipped!    As bad as it has been, I have not given up and I have pushed through and I am FINALLY starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel.....I think!

The Pain

A few weeks ago I wrote about my utter exhaustion from the combination of the move and the unfamiliar yard work upon my body.   What I didn't write about was the fact that I was in tears from the pain in my legs.   I would sit and contemplate moving because I knew as soon as I moved my body would be screaming in freakish agony at the absolute murdering pain in my muscles.   I couldn't sleep at night because the muscles in my body were literally vibrating with pain.  I'm telling you, I was in bad shape!  There were many nights I cried from the sheer 'torture' that I was putting my body through.   

Even as I sat in tears, I battled with embarrassment.  A few years back I was in amazing shape.  I was still overweight but I was in the best physical shape of my entire life.   It was absolutely nothing for me to wake up early on a Saturday morning.  I would go for a 3-5 mile run and then go home, grab some water and then head outside to push mow for about 45 minutes.   I would then go inside, eat breakfast, shower and shortly thereafter head out to go hiking with Jason....and we usually hiked between 7 and 12 miles (depending on where we hiked) and usually up some mountain. I would be tired, but I was never down and out.  I was never not able to sleep because of the muscle aches.  I was never in tears because of the pain.  I would wake up the next day anxious to head back into the mountain for the next hike!  

Pushing Through

I am not going to lie.  During these recent weeks I wanted to give up. I wanted to stop the madness that was causing me pain.  I wanted to throw up my hands and settle into my world of 'unfitness'.  I didn't want or need this misery!   I didn't though.     As bad as I felt, I kept going.   Tears and sleepless nights meant nothing.  The next day I headed back out the door to mow, to move, to water our new trees (the first weeks by carrying 5 gallon buckets to each tree) , to plant flowers, to clear brush.  I gritted my teeth and I kept going.   I CHOSE more difficult options on a regular basis.   Which push mower did I chose?  Do you want the self propelled mower or the standard one?   I consistently have used the mower that is NOT self propelled.  Wait until we have a wheel barrow to move that pile of rocks?  Nope, I can do it one at a time...by hand!  Good exercise you know.   Even though my body was screaming at me!  I didn't stop, but just kept going.    I won't sugar coat it though, I have never been so happy to know that it was a weekday where I would be working.   You see, work days were my 'recovery days'.   

I kept telling myself that there would come a moment where it would get easier.  There would come a moment where my body wouldn't ache in freakish misery when I worked out in the yard.  The day is getting closer and while it's not totally here, I can see just this weekend how much better my body is adjusting to this 'new life'.   We mowed yesterday.  We are currently push mowing our property....and it takes about 7-8 hours TOTAL.   We have two push mowers at the moment so I mow for about 4 hours.  We also cleared brush from a stand of trees.  (and got to add a cherry tree to our list of fruit bearing trees and plants!) and of course watered.  (I chose to carry the water to the outlying plants versus using the hose...more exercise right....still choosing the hardest option).    I can't say that I was ready to go out dancing last night.  My legs were tired.  But my legs were NOT aching with utter misery.  They were not vibrating and so sore that the pain kept me awake.  And there was definitely NO tears.  

I still have a way to go.  I want to get back to the point where I do not even have the 'tiredness'. in my legs.    I want to get back to the fitness level that I was at a short 6 or 7 years ago.  But I can see that I am on my way!  I am not giving up!   It may hurt, but that is only my body getting stronger!  And maybe, just maybe; since I'm not totally wiped out maybe I can add in some exercise through the week!

Weight Loss Efforts

My vows that I have made in recent posts about tracking food and whatnot have not been executed to the degree that needs to happen.  I have been  morecognizant of my eating. I have stopped the nightly sweet treats.  BUt I haven't been spot on.  I haven't tracked. So in essence I haven't really been working on my food intake all that much.  HOWEVER, I have managed to lose about 6-7 pounds since we moved!     I'll take it!  Now I just need to get serious and actually work on my food intake.  

More motivation to bust through the weight loss barrier

Here I am another week has passed and I could have sworn that I promised to get back to really using this forum for my journey, going back to the basics and all that.  Yet, I am not being consistent at all with my posts.  Well, maybe I am being consistent......about once a week.    Either way, I'm here and I am still working on moving forward and making me the best me possible.  But what have I been up to this last week.

Addiction and Weight Loss 

Addiction is a crazy thing.  It hits so many people, but the average person doesn't even realize that they have an addiction.  If it's legal then it's not an addiction right?    Wrong.  I have an addiction to food.  Food is entirely legal....but I eat to feel that amazing feeling ....my own personal high.  There are people that are addicted to sex, drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine and any number of things.  Heck, I had a coworker a few years back and she readily said "I have an addiction to chapstick.  I must have pockets in everything I wear and I have to have a tube of chapstick with me....or I panic."   Yup, that's an addiction.   Chapstick, legal and harmless but still and addiction.

So Jason and I were talking about addictions in the last week or so. Of course my food addiction was discussed.  But we also discussed a few of his small (legal) addictions.   He suggested that when I get to my goal weight that he would kick one of them in honor of my herculean effort to control my food addiction.   I looked at him and said, "You are  not getting out of doing a bungee jump you know?"  (no way am I letting him off the hook for his poor challenge/bet.  I want bragging rights in simply telling him that he has to jump, because we all know that I would never make him jump against his will.  But you better believe that I'll remind him of it as long as we live!)    He assured me that this was in ADDITION to that.  Ohhh really?   More motivation.     He then sweetened the pot further when he said, "MaryFran, when you bust 200 pounds (aka get below 200) I will beat my one addiction and when you get to your goal weight I'll do another!"   So here I go.  

I know, I know I know...how many times have I started over. How many times have I said that I am motivated and ready to rock and roll with this weight loss journey.   I feel silly saying it once again.  HOWEVER, I also know that if I don't start over again, as many times as I need, I will never realize my goals and dreams.  So here we go again.  

House Hunting

After last weekend's house tours being cancelled due to the houses being sold before we could get there, I was a bit discouraged.  Seriously, the stars need to align to buy a house in this market!   I am having to work to keep my spirits up during this process.   I believe in the power of prayer and we have been praying.   So the flip side, is that if I believe in the power of prayer then I have to believe that prayers are answered in the best possible way and this process is just there to prepare us for the perfect house.  

I was quite interested in a house that was 'coming soon' for the last two weeks.  The pictures looked fantastic and we got to go tour it last night.  The yard and location was wonderful.  And it went downhill from there.   The detached garage...the soffits were rotting. Literally rotting wood and open and the paint was peeling.   We were actually ok with that...summer project here we come!  We went into the house and we were hit with a musty smell.  The kitchen was small but nice with a  lot of counter space.  Likewise, the dining room was a nice size and it had built in cabinets and a large buffet counter (ha...I'm being nice......we all know that in real life that would be a junk counter).  We opened the french doors in the dining room oand walked out onto the back deck.  The view was great...but oh watch where you step, some of the deck boards were soft and rotting!   Ok, it would probably pass inspection our realtor (who is also a home inspector part time), but would need attention soon.   Hmmmm...   Back inside to the musty smelling house.   The living room with wood stove was pretty standard and nothing caught my eye.  We headed back the hall to the bedrooms.  The hall had nice vinyl flooring (the LVP wood style flooring) and it was nice.  The first bedroom had carpeting and the vinyl hall flooring just stopped and  there was about a 2 inch gap (and dip) before the carpet started.  Weird.  The room was nice though.   Back to the hall and into the second bedroom.  This was also LVP flooring...a different tone than the hallway...and the 1 inch gap between the two floors was visible .  It wasn't a bad bedroom...At that point though I hear Jason snort...he was done with the house.  Ha.  I kept looking on.  We went to the third 'bedroom'......different floor and another one inch gap between the floors.  This floor actually felt soft when we walked on it.   This 'bedroom' had been converted to a laundry room and a half bath had been added in this room.   The half bath....yup, different floor and another one inch gap.  Ohhh and no bathroom door.  HA.   OK, so the one inch gaps could have been easily fixed simply by adding threshholds.  HOnestly, and easy fix.  But it emphasized to us that repairs and upgrades were 'half-assed' in this house and to beware!   The house had lots of storage closest and a pantry.   So even though Jason was mostly done with the house, we headed down to the basement....and the musty moldy smell got worse!  There were no lights in the basement that we could find.......on purpose?  I can't help but suspect that is the case.  Using our phones as flashlights, we inspected.  The basement was finished....but we found evidence of drywall that had been replaced at one point and we found evidence of drywall that seemed a bit damp.  Well then.   In case you didn't catch the underlying answer, that house was a hard pass.

So today we are heading out to a few more houses.  Yes, on Easter Sunday.  Hey, we are working around our schedule and our realtors schedule.   Per the pictures, one of the houses could best be described by saying "the 70's called, they want their house back"  Another one I would say "you must have picked up your trim paint from the 'oops we made the wrong color shelf at Lowes".  We are going to see a house that looks adorable....but is at the top end of our price range.  And we are looking at one house in a neighboring state....a bit further for Jason...but it has everything on our list must haves and even everything on our list of 'it would be nice to have".   Time will tell......pictures make everything look nice.  (Well, not really.   We went to the house that smelled like dirty butt....and the pictures made it look bad....I was hoping that it was just the fact that there were beds everywhere in the pictures and that the pictures were just bad......but nope, that one was bad!)

Life

Life is going ok.  We live our weekdays just waiting for the evenings and weekends when we are together and enjoying life. It feels horrible wishing our lives away. But until the work situation changes, it is what it is.   I don't like my job any better.  But I am trying to focus on the positive....I have a job.  I am working from home.  It might be a toxic environment, but I am blessed to have a job that allows us to live comfortably.  

The pets are doing well.  Kiwi the bird enjoys life and he counts down until evenings and weekends when he is allowed out of his cage.  While I'm at work he stays in his cage right by my office door.  He is my supervisor I guess. Kiwi will occasionally antagonize the cat....he does fly by's and buzzes her.     Mertz, the cat  is still the diva of the house.  She gets a bit jealous when kiwi gets attention.  She does tolerably well with the bird. We closely monitor them when they are together though. The crabs are....well hermit crabs and somewhat boring. But still fun.   Life would definitely be boring without our pets. 

​

I’m just Tired

​I am just tired.  Tired of what you may ask?   I’m tired of so many things.  I’m tired of feeling like a failure…and I am definitely failing at losing weight.  I’m tired of being fat.  I’m tired of even trying to lose weight. I’m just tired.

Tired of Being Fat

Nope, I’m not mincing words.  I am just plain tired of being fat.   I don’t like how I feel in my body.  I don’t like how my clothes fit.  I don’t like …we’ll much of anything about being overweight.    Seriously…being overweight hurts…physically hurts too!   I’m tired of it.   I keep vowing to make the necessary changes but I fall into the adage of ‘tomorrow’.   But tomorrow has not come recently.  Honestly the last time I had any great success was right before our wedding/elopement!  That happened at the beginning of October of last year!  5 months ago!    I’m tired of a lack of success!!!

Every time I gain weight it bothers me more.  When I was overweight (way back at the beginning of this website/blog) I didn’t feel fat.  My body was used to the weight and I guess the constant aches and pains.  But as I lost the weight the pain disappeared and I felt amazing.  But tasting that amazing pain free life means that as I gained the back, I feel every pound!  Each and every pound!  I’m tired of it!

I have bins upon bins of clothes in my smaller sizes.  Yet I’m forced to wear my fat clothes …which honestly I don’t even think of as ‘fat clothes’ anymore…they are just my clothes.  But honestly, I think about those clothes with longing!  I’m tired of being this size!!!

Tired of Failing

Before our wedding I had challenged myself to a 12 week challenge.  My goal was to lose 24 pounds in that twelve weeks.  And I did phenomenal at the beginning and then lost slower at the end.   I didn’t reach my 24 pounds but I was proud of myself with what I DID lose.  We got married, vacationed, uhhh…honeymooned, and came home.  I maintained a few weeks and then very slowly started to gain. I’m ashamed to admit…but I gained weight.   It took me 2 months to gain 10 pounds.  The next three months?  10 more pounds gained!  (Ok more like 8…but seriouslyYes.  I am sitting close to 20 pounds heavier than I was when I got married!  What in the world is wrong with me?    I’m talking failure!  Huge failure!  20 pounds of failure!   I’m tired of failing!

The weight gain on top of negative and snide comments and my own personal epiphany of how years of these comments have shaped my view of myself is not a good combination.  Can we say self fulfilling prophecy?  I’m tired of FEELING like a failure!

The Catalyst for Change

So I have been thinking about how I feel.  If I expect any change to be forthcoming in my life, I need to change myself first.  I can’t expect to continue doing the exact same thing and expect different results.  So that means that it is time to change me.  It is time to change my way of thinking.  It is time to change my actions.  The only way to enact change is to be the catalyst of change.  

So what is my plan and how am I going to be the catalyst for change?   Well first, I am going to focus on the things I CAN change!  But let’s talk specifics.

Negativity in my life. Sadly, the negative person in my life is not someone I can easily cut out of my life…nor do I want to.  I love the person…and I know that they love me.  This person is just not happy with their lot in life…maybe some jealousy…whatever.   I can’t change them. What I can do is start to stand up for myself whenever the remarks are made.  I can try to put a stop to them versus just sitting there like a whipping post.  And now that I totally recognize the behavior, I can hopefully separate it in my mind as drivel untruths!

Weight loss failure.  Well simply put, I need to stop failing.  I am worth every second of time it takes.  I am worth every ounce of energy I devote. I am worth it!  Easier said than done.  I know…so maybe fake it till I make it??  Hahaha. And I will be going back to the basics.

     1.  Track my food…RELIGIOUSLY!

      2.  Water….65 ounces as bare minimum

      3.   Calories UNDER 1450 at least 6 days a week!

     4.  Forgive myself for my mistakes and missteps!

     5.  40 miles of exercise/movement a week (this is the minimum I need for my 2022 mile challenge.

     6.  Work to add additional formal exercise into my week.  I’m not sure yet how/when/where but stay tuned!

Changing my behaviors will take energy…but I can do it!!!!!!

What a Weekend!

​What a whirlwind of a weekend!  Not just how time flies, that is always a whirlwind!  But the weather.  Could we have a bigger ricochet effect in the weather?  We utilized the one end of the spectrum in the weather to our fullest!  But time just flew by as it always does.

The Weekend Weather 

On Friday night we did our normal after work walk…wearing sweatshirts/hoodies!  The temps were literally that nice!  We opened the windows in our place and let some fresh air circulate! Upper 50°’s and  it was fabulous!  Saturday morning was more of the same!   Wonderful temps!   A gift from Mother Nature in the middle of winter!  Mid to upper 50’s!  We knew we were NOT going to let that get away from us!  We headed to a local state park and hiked!   Ahhhh. Fresh air!  Warmer air!   It was fabulous! It was a bit breezy so we both wore sweatshirts and a windbreaker and that was absolutely perfect!   The ice on the lake was in direct contrast to how the temps felt!  We enjoyed every second!  Oh and I had so much fun with my camera again!   I need to make the time for photography in my life!!!

On Sunday we woke up to snow.   Ok, it wasn’t much…here at least.  I would probably call it more a ‘dusting’.  We got about an inch and it was mostly on the grass and cars.  It did not deter us from heading out and running errands!  But it was back in the 30’s…brrrr!

The little glimpse of spring made me long for it even more!  Come on spring…I'm anxiously awaiting your complete arrival!!

Weight Efforts over the Weekend

I didn’t get around to lowering my calories on MyFitnessPal until midway through the weekend.  That’s ok!  It’s done now!   I also didn’t track anything over the weekend.  And while that is not ok, it is the past.  I’m not living in the past.  I’m looking to the future.  So today will be a better day.  And honestly, it already is.  You see I’ve already tracked my food for the day…before I even took one bite!  Go me!

I am aiming for a range between 1200 and 1400 calories. However, myfitnesspal is set at 1280.  Works for me!  I have something to aim for!  And even if I am a bit over (seriously…1200 is restrictive) then I know that I’m still in the range I want to be in!  Win win!  

Busy busy busy Weekend

I got row 9 of ten done on my quilt top!  So hopefully by the end of next weekend I will be ready to sandwich the quilt top, batting and backing together and start the actual quilting.  I have purchased everything.  Batting, backing, thread, etc.  I have one more shipment that will be arriving and then I will have all of my supplies. Next weekend I will have to stop at my mother’s house and pick up my portable quilting frame (apologies to my brother who stores my big old fashioned quilt frame in his attic…in fairness it’s in pieces and way under the eaves so not in the way.).  Hopefully I will be quilting by next week this time!

I was super productive.  I also did our taxes..both of ours (married filing separately).  I did the normal things around the house…clothes laundry, straightening the house, fresh sheets on the bed, etc!  

It was a productive weekend!

Special Thanks

I would like to thank everyone that has been so supportive of me as I work through in words my emotions dealing with the negativity in my life.   You don’t know how much your words have meant to me.  I am touched by your kindness and support.  

Moving Forward

I am still working on training a group of new hires at work this upcoming week.  Training wears me out as I give my all each minute of the day with them.  But I do enjoy it!  (And it is a nice break from the normal routine.). As I said earlier, I have my food listed in my food tracker for the day today before I even eat.  I know I will most likely have to go back and tweak as I actually go through the day and eat my meals.  But I feel empowered and plan to continue this whole week!  I need to get this weight to start dropping.  I have a goal of 50 pounds by the time I’m 50. I was doing well at the beginning of January but then relapsed so I am showing no loss for 2022 yet.  That’s ok.  I’m hot on the trail now!!!   I also continue to ride the exercise bike daily.  I have miles that I need to achieve for my 2022 miles in 2022.    In the meantime….every step I take is toward making me a better person!

Beating my Head Against the Wall

​How many times will I try to get successful results from something that I have time and time again proven to not work?   I’m doing it again!  I’m trying a method of weight loss that I KNOW doesn’t work for me!   And I am so frustrated.  Why do I do it to myself??  

So what am I doing?  I am eating about 1600 calories and expecting to lose weight.   I know…I know.  1600 calories SHOULD by the actual numbers be a great goal for eating.  However, time and time again I have experimented and each time I come to the conclusion that it doesn’t work for me.  I am LUCKY if I maintain at that level of calorie intake. Yet I try It.  Over and over I try!   When will I learn and just accept?

I know that my profile on myfitness pal was reset a while back and my goal is 1500…but I am going to go back online and fix that….I would rather see the 1200 or 1300 ad my goal and be over budget  at the end of the day versus seeing the 1500-1600 as my goal and see that I am right on budget or every under budget at the end of the day.  Why?  Because if I am aiming for the lower calories and I end up over budget I will not be expecting to lose weight!  It may happen…but I won’t be expecting it!    When I am under budget with the higher calorie limit it is human nature to expect a loss and it is very disheartening to then not lose!!!  

I am still struggling with the emotions of my own personal revelations about the long term negativity that I have been dealing with it.   Basically, I have heard the negativity for years but it has just become part of the fabric of my life.  But the wedding dress comment (your butt looked fat in your wedding dress) just has played through my mind constantly in the four months the since I got married. (Yup…it’s been a bit more thanfour months since we got married.). I have replayed that comment many times in my head.  In the meantime,  I started a new quilt.

The new quilt is coming along.  The negativity wasn’t immediate…I got a compliment about how beautiful the quilt was turning out.  However the next words were ‘I sure hope you are doing it right…your stuff tends to fall apart’?   What?   We sometimes sleep under a quilt that I made 30 years ago….that doesn’t sound like it fell apart to me?  It’s a quilt that I drag around …..literally drag around…it goes on vacation with us as I remove the comforters on hotel beds and use my own quilt….they don’t wash those hotel comforters every use!). This quilt is used and used hard.  But my stuff falls apart?   And there have been multiple snide remarks about my quilt.  And those comments…I think of them all the time when I’m working on this quilt…second guessing myself.  Worrying that for some reason this quilt will fall apart.  It totally undermined any ounce of self confidence I had about it.  So two comments that stayed in my mind for a long time (never ending).    And once those comments were stuck in my head it opened my memory and my awareness to what really happens.  So I still am struggling with those emotions.

But I move forward.  Processing the information…the comments…the events in life.  Life throws negativity at you.  Life throws moments when we keep doing the same old thing and expect different results. (ie my calorie counting).   How I respond and react is what makes me awesome, mediocre or a slug of a human being.  I want to be awesome.  So fixing issues and rising above is my goal!

Enough is Enough

​The last week had been a crazy one for sure!  I’ve learned a few things (or rather learning) about myself and really opening my eyes and seeing maybe why I am the way I am.  I’ve been busy and stressed out at work. And my weight…oh my weight loss efforts.  Enough is enough.  It is time to draw the proverbial line in the sand.  I have got to fix my weight issues and I have got to stop dithering and giving half efforts!    

A stressful Work Week

Wow.  Just wow.   Work has been so insane lately.  A lot of micromanaging that doesn’t help the situation.  A lot of negativity reigned down upon us.  And just really busy.   And yes, my coworkers are feeling the same angst and stress, which does make my burden a bit easier.  (Misery loves company.). At least I know it’s not just me they are singling out.  It’s the whole group of us that do this one aspect of work on our team.   And let’s just say that it’s bad. 

This upcoming week or so should be a bit better for me.  I will be working with training some new people for our team.  So I will be removed from a lot of the petty bull that is happening.   And of course I really enjoy training.  (Which is no surprise to anyone that knows me!)

Negativity

In the last months I’ve been starting to realize that there is a force of negativity in my life that directly affects me and who I am.  Comments made that are hurtful.  Example, ‘the dress you got married in makes your butt look fat’…who says that to a happy bride?  Just this week I started to think back and realize that it’s been going on for a long time.  I confirmed that last night by going back and reading some excerpts from old journals.  Yes, I have close to 20 journals in storage.  When I was younger there were some gaps in years…but I have sporadic journals from back as far as third grade and I started to journal more consistently when I was about 13 years old.   As I read bits and pieces of these journals I was clearly able to see the pattern of behavior for many years.  (Which made Jason feel better as he apparently had worried that his presence in my life had created the issue…but no it was an issue from long before his presence.)

So yes…journals galore.   I pulled them out and read some last night. Jason and I had fun laughing at some of the entries I made from very early in our relationship.  I then had fun teasing him and reading about the mixed messages he was giving me about marriage for years!  One week commenting about how he was all in with marriage but the next week against marriage due to previous experiences…..I can laugh now but back then it was a seee-saw!  (And ultimately I decided that I would rather have the man…even if it didn’t come with a ring because it came with lots and lots of love!  And what do you know…it came with the ring anyway!)

Married Life 

Married life treats me well.   I make it through my work days because I know that come 5 or 5:30 when Jason gets home that I’ll get a kiss and hug that will make my world all ok again!

We are excited about getting a house and moving.  Sure there is a lot more responsibility with home ownership….but there are a lot more rewards….not just financially.  More space.  Things exactly how WE want and not how someone else wants. Space to actually can..yes my kitchen is so small that canning and preserving food would be possible, but difficult. And where would I store my preserved items.  Just no space! Oh and to have a garden and all that fresh produce to eat!  Did I mention more space?

I have been having so much fun writing letters to Jason’s four year old niece.  Ok, maybe not ‘me’ writing….kiwi our bird writes to her!  Hahaha. It is fun to share our life with her written from the eyes of a parrot.  (She lives about 4 hours away and we don’t see them often).  It has been one of my great pleasures recently…and I find myself planning throughout the week/weeks and taking pictures just for her letters.  Such as the ‘kiwi for your letter’ picture.

Weight Loss

Ok so I titled this section weight loss.  Maybe I should have added the word what and a question mark to make it ‘what what loss?’.  No weight lost here.   And I can’t blame anything but myself.  I haven’t been committed.  I have gotten in my miles and ridden the exercise bike.  But I haven’t really put forth much (any) effort to lose weight and let’s be honest…it takes effort!

But enough is enough.  I’m tired of being fat and the only way to change it is to be serious.   A few months back I did a 12 week challenge and had some success.  I like the shorter goals and terms.  It seems more doable.  I liked that challenge and it worked.  I like the exercise portion but that is what burned me out…getting in my miles plus the exercises for the challenge. I was doing it all on my breaks and lunch at work which was difficult.   So I am going to do a similar version. Focusing mostly on the food and water aspect.  (All the while continuing my 2022 challenge of course). For me the biggest issue right now is calorie and water intake!   I need to fix that…and I need to do it now!  So I am just going to focus on one week at a time.  Calories and water this week.  That’s my goal for this week.  Calories in check…1400 calories or thereabouts (simply because I know my body responds at that level…years of watching have taught me that). And at least 64 ounces of water each day.   That is the goal for this upcoming week. I need to get this ship turning in the right direction!

Like I said….enough is enough!

I want

​I want so much.  I have such grand ideas…but sometimes it just doesn’t happen.  But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.  I still desperately want to lose weight.  And it is so weird to want something so badly but yet find myself shoveling food into my mouth like a crazed woman.    That is where I am at.  I want more for my life than a job that is honestly just a job…8 hours of being someone’s slave.  I want, but it always seems as if I come up lacking.

The job situation

Work has continued to be stressful. The job itself is stressful but the management is making it near unbearable.  There is so much micromanaging it is ridiculous.  I wrote out a long vent paragraph, but have always tried to be responsible with what I post…so I got rid of it.  Just know that I am quite unhappy.   I basically wish my weeks away…come on Friday evening!  I feel the depression settle in each Sunday…Sunday morning just a twinge…but growing more steadily throughout the day until Sunday evening when the dread is back full force.  That is no way to live.

2022 miles in 2022

My mileage challenge is going well.  I finished the month of January with some extra miles ‘in the bank’.  Yes, I am ahead of where I need to be in order to get my yearly miles. I consistently ride the exercise bike and we continue to walk every evening after work.  

Happy with my decision

I remain happy and content with my decision to stop posting on YouTube.  I miss the encouragement and some of the people that I follow.  But when I think about turning on my computer to watch…we’ll it just doesn’t happen.  I just can’t eat to do it…The freedom form the work involved in the YouTube channel just keeps me from even having the energy to turn on the computer.  I am bothered abbot about my phone though.  I have tried a few times to reply to comments on this site and to comment on other peoples blogs and my phone won’t let me comment!  I clear my cookies and clean the cache but seriously…it doesn’t work!   Grrrrrr!  Just know that I am reading your posts and comments!  (Remember what I said earlier about not even turning the computer on)

Weight

Ahhh the big weight loss section.  Here it is.   So my 50 in 50 pound challenge.  The challenge to lose 50 pounds in the year that I turn 50 (this year). I started January strong with 5 pounds…and since then yo-yoed. I have some days maintained that 5 pound loss and other days I throw up my hands and say well apparently I haven’t lost a single thing in this new year.   

I know that it is 100% my effort that is lacking.  I can’t even dare say that I’m eating completely right.  I’m tracking?  What’s that!     (I have managed to stop eating the constant stream of apple dumplings though.  I eat one the first day I make them and then no more…so about one dumpling a week.).   How is it possible to want something so bad but have seemingly no control over my efforts to obtain it.   And yes…I know I ultimately have the control….but I’m struggling with grabbing and maintaining the control. 

So you can see…I want….but I’m lacking!    Even with the depressing  talk that has filled this post….I know that I am lucky.  I have a man that loves me just the way I am.  I have something that some people may never experience…and for that I am blessed!!!  I just need to figure out how to fix these other areas of my life!!!

The Struggle Bus

​I am seriously on the struggle bus when it comes to my weight loss efforts!   This weight loss journey is tough!   Life, continual apple dumplings and stress just pull me away and I am struggling!

Apple Dumplings and Weight Loss

Yes, I am still making apple dumplings.  My recipe is perfected, however I still find myself looking at other recipes to tweak it just a bit.   I was checking out a recipe that was left in my comments and as I was scrolling I saw a recipe for caramel apple dumplings.  Jason loves apple dumplings…and he loves caramel.  Would he love them together?   I’m not sure, but someday I may have to find out.  But for now I am happy in my perfected recipe.  I will post the recipe on here in a day or two.   I’m still working on making them ‘pretty’.  I’ve learned there is an art to apple dumplings and I’m working to perfect that art.  They look better each batch!

So why am I making apple dumplings when I am struggling?   Jason likes them.  Plain and simple.  Jason is asking for them.  Should he have to suffer just because I can’t control myself?  No!  Ok.  So Im usually pretty good with not indulging…I typically eat one the first night after I make a batch and then I let the rest for him.  So it’s not all that bad. I made them last night and tried to round it out with a lower calorie meal for dinner.  Not perfect…but I still consider it a win to know that I’m not eating them every night!

The Stress is Building

Weight loss and stress just don’t mix.  Work has been absolutely crazy.  Nuts!  I’m pulled in a gazillion different directions and made to feel as if nothing I do is right. It is rough.  And that makes me want to run to the kitchen for every piece of comfort food that I can find!

Adding to the stress is the stress about this house buying venture.  I am a worrier and the thing that makes me worry the most is finances and stuff like that.   So you can just imagine what my stress levels are as we begin this process.  (Do not even mention the fact that they are saying that the interest rates are rising in March.  That just gives me cause to have hives….if my body were the type to respond to stress with hives that is!)

However, Jason and I have been praying so keep telling myself that it will all work out in the best possible way.

Eating and Weight Loss

Almost every morning this week I have set up my eating plan for the day.  I’ve gone into MyFitnessPal and entered my food that I am planning to eat that day.  I have been spot on!  For those five minutes….I do well while I’m at my desk in the morning.  But that is simply because there is no food in front of me.  But my plans have gone up in smoke each day when it comes time for lunch.  Lunch comes and that healthy lunch with lots of fruits and veggies that I planned just seems to unpalatable!  So I have eaten leftovers…a high calorie meal that we had on Monday of course.   I have managed to avoid the apple dumplings (except for last night when they were fresh and hot from the oven).  I have however had a few pieces of chocolate at night.  So it’s not typically my evenings that mess me up. It’s the leftovers for lunch that throw me over the line into eating poorly.

So what is my weight doing on the scales?  My weight did my normal weekend jump….and I have NOT seen it drop this week.   Sooo…if the scales hold true I have possibly just managed to erase every ounce of weight loss that I achieved the first few weeks of this year!  How depressing is that?  

Apple dumplings, stress and weight loss journey may not seem to go hand in hand…but those things are what makes up life.  (Or things that are very similar).   To have a life long  success at this thing called a weight loss and a healthy weight I HAVE to learn how to manage.  I know it can be done!  It’s a new day…I will be putting my food into MyFitnessPal here shortly…and today I’m vowing to stick to my plan!!!

quilting like crazy

​I have been a busy gal lately.  I’m trying to slow down a bit and I’m trying to put things in their proper order…but man life gets to flying by so fast!

Quilting

So technically I’m not actually quilting yet.  I am working on piecing a quilt top.  I like extra big blankets and quilts so I have sized this one to be king sized.   I am also hand sewing it.  Yes, I said hand sewing.  You know…needle and thread in my hand.  It has been fun and surprisingly easier to handle and do.  I can sit on the couch whilst watching tv and sew….I’ve worked on it when we were in the car waiting for kiwi while he was in with the veterinarian (no worries it was just his normal yearly check up….and he got a clean bill of health!). I can move it around with me.  Wanna be in a different room…let me just bring my quilt basket with me!   I estimate that I’ll be finished putting the top together in mid to late February and then I’ll be working on quilting.  That will be more difficult to cart with me..ok near impossible as the quilting frame I’ll be using is portable but still unwieldy.   But no matter.  I am enjoying the process. Here is a picture of what I have been working on and it will give an idea of what the quilt looks like.

2022 miles in 2022

I am hot on the trail of my yearly mile goals.  I was ahead of the game by a few miles and building on my bank of extra miles…but on Friday I felt horrible.  My headache was terrible and riding the bike was the last thing I wanted to do.  So I used some of my banked miles. But that’s ok…that’s why I bank them!  So I am doing really well with that!   5.5 miles a day isn’t really that difficult to get…not on an exercise bike!  I have been trying on week days to get about 8-10.  Weekends have been cold and icky so I haven’t been getting many miles on weekends…but the weather will turn and I’ll start getting weekend miles on the weekends which will allow me to bank even more miles!

Apple Dumplings

It came to my attention that while apple dumplings are a favorite of Jason’s that I had never made them.  Never ever ever in my life.  So I researched recipes…and I have been experimenting.  I’ve tweaked and played and I think I have the perfect recipe…now just to continue to play to find the perfect way to make them so that they are actually pretty.   

So there have been a few batches of apple dumplings made….and my oh my are they delicious!  Not the best thing for a gal trying to lose weight though!

50 in 50

So with the thought of apple dumplings how am I doing on my weight loss efforts?  Or more specifically,  how am I doing with my mission to lose 50 pounds in the year that I turn  50 years old (this year).  Well, I somehow pulled out a loss last week.  For the official weigh in I lost and that brings my official loss to 5.8 pounds for the year 2022.  So I am on track to lose the weight…my goal was an average of one pound a week.  But there is a problem.

The problem…my weekends have been off the hook with eating and desserts.  So I am in that cycle of gain all week and then spend the week trying to lose enough to at least clock a maintain.   This is NOT a good cycle!  This is not a healthy cycle!   This is very much self sabotage!   I need to get this under control!   I know that I won’t be totally successful until I stop this cycle!   I must get back to counting and tracking calories on the weekend and being strict with my ONE dessert per weekend/week rule!

So that’s the skinny on where I’m at…quilting, baking (which I love to do), riding the exercise bike and living life!

Happy New Year!!

​The new year is here!   2022.  I have ideas and plans and goals for this year. I’m sitting here a bit disappointed with how I ended 2021, scared at the enormity of challenges and changes for 2022 but yet excited at the same time!  So much happening (hopefully).

Disappointing End to 2021

I am ashamed to admit that I ended 2021 with a very bad mentality. I adopted the mentality that ‘January first is when I am starting’ and I went absolutely nuts with my eating. Cake?  Why yes, I’ll have a huge piece!    Candy? Of course!   Eating a candy bar at 9:30 AM, don’t mind if I do! (Yes…twice in the week leading up to the new year!). It was a free for all!   Seriously, I didn’t even step on the scale during the last two weeks of the year.  I pretty much gave up on my birthday weekend and throughout the following two weeks….until this morning, January 1.   I woke up and stepped on the scales this morning…because it’s the new year after all!  I was appalled!  7 pounds up from where I was at my birthday and 10 pounds from where I was at Thanksgiving!   What?????   How disappointing….even though I will admit that I deserve each and every one of those pounds (although I’m hoping some of that will drop quickly with proper water consumption and hydration!)

Hopes and dreams for 2022 (non weight related)

I have lots of hopes and dreams for the year 2022. We hope and dream of buying a house!  We are starting the process and hope and pray that we can make that transition this year. 

We are also hoping and dreaming of having Jason go off on his own in terms of work and work for himself in 2022.   So possibly a business starting.  (Appliance repair if you are interested in knowing what type of business).

Of course we dream of a fabulous vacation….we have a few places in mind.  Not sure what will pan out though.  We also hope to get back to New River Gorge, there are more trails to explore!

Weight loss for 2022

I am turning  50 years old in 2022.  So I have set a goal of losing 50 pounds in 2022.  50 by 50!   I would be tickled if it were more…which would put me very close to my projected goal weight.  But I’m aiming for 50….Roughly one pound a week.  Yeah I know…there are 52 weeks in a year…but 52 by 50 just doesn’t sound right!  

I am embarking upon another mile challenge for the year. I am aiming for 2022 miles for this year.  Loosely  speaking, that is  6 pounds a day.  I finished it up by mid September last year.  Let’s see what I do this year!  

I am hoping and thinking about going back to a more ‘meatless’ existence.  Not exactly vegetarian.   But just less meat!   I have been trying to incorporate more meatless meals back into my daily life.  I ate very little meat for quite a few years and was quite happy with it.  But then I started eating meat and well…I’m just not convinced that it is healthy for me!   Sooo.  That will be a shift!

So lots of changes.  Lots of plans.  Lots of dreams.  It is January first, now is the time to reach for those goals and dreams!  Let’s do it!  This is my year!!!!

I’m Alive

​I’m alive!  Really, I didn’t die…or spend any time  in the hospital…or cut off my fingers disallowing me to type.  I have just been plain…well I don’t want to say lazy, but I just haven’t been posting.  Don’t get my wrong, I think about it…..in the depths of the night when all is quiet and I can’t sleep.  But when I wake up I’m going going going and it just doesn’t happen.  I promise to be better!   So let’s catch up a bit…and then I’ll talk about my weight loss efforts this month. 

December Museums and Fun

December was a busy month.   I had the normal work obligations but I did have some time off and we stayed busy on the weekends!

On the first weekend of the month we went to a Rural Heritage Museum and while I thought I would only be there for an hour, we spent 4 hours there.  

The next weekend was my birthday.   We had a few days off.  I did some errands on one day (yup…my name is officially changed in the most important places now).  And we went to Lancaster County, PA for a wee little getaway.   We hit some of the normal places but also did the Landis Valley Museum for a few hours.

The next weekend we celebrated Christmas with Jason’s parents on one day and on the other weekend day we roamed a bit locally and just enjoyed the sites.

The next weekend was Christmas (this last weekend).  and I had another four day weekend.  It was just as busy.  I spent a day with my mom.   Jason and I spend Christmas Eve together.  We roamed during the day and did our private celebration and gift exchange that evening.  Of course the pets got gifts too!

Christmas Day we went to my mom’s house.  We got there early to help prepare Christmas dinner/lunch.   And we got home that evening exhausted.    Sunday was spent relaxing and trying to not think about going back to work!   We went to the canal and walked for a few hours. The weather was delightful!!!

So we have stayed busy.    My ‘down time’ has been spent working on a new quilt.   Yes…I started a new quilt.  I started it on Black Friday.     It will be a version of a ‘grandmothers flower garden’.  I have the ‘flowers’ all made.  100 of them…and each one is hand sewn and takes about an hour.  (So now you know where my time has gone).    On Christmas Eve I laid all 100 on the floor and  arranged them in the order that they will be sewn together. (I didn’t want all my pink flowers in one corner…or all my orange fabrics clumped together elsewhere).   Now I am working on adding the white pieces between each ‘flower’ and putting it together.  

So you can see we have been busy!

Weight Loss

But what about my weight loss efforts?   Maybe I should say my weight loss NON-EFFORTS!  Yes, you read that right.  I’ve struggled and I kinda gave up.

I’m terms of my addiction.  I actually haven’t been doing to badly with that.  My mindset is in a better place! However, I have been struggling since vacation in October. I have been barely hanging on.  My birthday weekend  this mont followed by holidays was a combination that was not good.   I didn’t track anything and didn’t even think about calorie intake!   And yes there was cake…and apple dumplings…and pie….well you get the point.

So I am sitting on a weight gain!  Embarrassing.  But I’m determined to turn this around….and I have some plans formulating in my head.  One of which is that I am planning on doing another mile challenge in 2022.  It was fabulous for me in 2021.  I saw how my legs grew stronger..not just for biking but also in my hiking abilities.  So that is in the works (gonna officially sign up today).   Secondly, I will be switching to my new day planner at the end of this week and it has a section for habit tracking.   So I will be tracking my daily habits.   Right now I will be focusing on a few things:

1.  Tracking my food

2.  Calories 1400 or lower

3.  Exercise at least 5 days a week

4.  Step count…aiming right now for 5k but hope to up that

5. 64 ounces water bare minimum!

It really will be a back to the basics plan.    I KNOW that the basics work for me.  I just need to focus on them.  I am setting a weight loss goal also.  I am aiming to lose 1 pound a week.  That is a doable goal.   And since I am sitting at roughly 250 pounds, that will put me at 200 pounds by this time next year.   Sure, I would love to be at goal by this time next year. But slow and steady will work.  I would rather have a doable goal versus a goal that will bring me to failure!  So one pound a week it is!    Hmm…maybe I will just make it a simple 50 pounds for next year.  50 pounds in honor of my 2022 50th birthday!!  

I’m technically not waiting until the new year to start.  I am working today to make some changes.  Gearing up so to speak!   Starting to build those habits!!!

So here I am.  Alive and well.  Fatter and more miserable with my weight, but ready to make changes!  Now is the time!!

Addiction

It’s been a while since I wrote here.   I wish that I could say that my absence is due to the busy holiday season and no time.   And while it had been busy…and time has been crunched, that is not the reason.  I’ve been slipping in my weight loss journey.   You see, I’m an addict.  I have a serious food addiction and it has been slowly slipping out of control.

I had talked about food addictions for a while, but it wasn’t until one  Incident in 2007 that I was able to clearly see and understand the impetus behind my eating.     It all centered around a visit to a restaurant where I was usually able to eat relatively healthily.  But on that visit I chose to have a small piece of cake.  When I say small, I really mean small!  It was literally a one inch square.   I carried that morsel back to my table like it was a pot of gold.  I slipped that first bite into my mouth and I swear, I heard the angels sing!  It was pure heaven! I wanted more of that feeling!  I ate another bite..and another.   Soon that small piece of cake was gone.  But the angels had sang and I wanted to hear them again!  I went back for more cake and then pudding and pie and other desserts off that dessert bar.  I did it all in a futile effort to make the angels sing again.  Of course they didn’t sing…because through that 2007 incident I realized that The angels singing only happens on that first bite or two.  It’s the first bite of bliss that I am addicted too.  I know that…yet I keep eating to try to obtain that feeling.

I was doing really good before vacation.   I was slowly losing…and maintaining my weight on the weeks I didn’t lose.  But when I came back I began to struggle.  The best way to describe it is that the vacation opened the doors.  The food addiction angels had sang on my Vacation/honeymoon.   Getting back on track was difficult because I was chasing that food addiction.  

Ohh, I didn’t go totally off the rails at first.  I was half heartedly fighting it.  I was still sorta tracking.  I was still trying here and there.  But each day; my weak hold over my addiction wavered and slipped further and further out of my grasp.  I was never eating crazily.  I was just starting to look more toward the foods that I suspected (ok KNOW) would have a higher chance of giving me my food bliss/food high and thus make those angels sing.  This was all done subconsciously but regardless, it was a very tenuous hold over this addiction.  Thanksgiving weekend threw me over the edge into full addiction mode.  

I’m writing here and now that I am vowing to push this aside, to tamp these behaviors down and to regain control.  I wrote this on a Thursday morning…I’m not waiting until Monday.  Next week we have some time off work for my birthday.  Im not waiting until after that.  Now is the time.  

I don’t rightly know how.  Each morning this week I have vowed to keep it under control but then I find myself eating granola bars, macaroni and cheese (I got rid of the last of the leftovers so they wont tempt me today), chocolate chips, etc.   My hope is that the difference is that overnight  I actually realized that the addiction is out control again and needs to be stopped.

I spend time in prayer each day.  Up until recently part of my prayers was ‘to lose weight’.   Naturally this week I switched those prayers to ‘control over my food intake’.  (Which is what made me realize that the addiction was back).  It’s time for the battle to take place…and this battle is NOT in the kitchen…it’s in my head.

I’m stepping away from the clean intermittent fasting and going back to what I did for the last year.    Early morning I’m making my flavored/vitamin water.  Breakfast most likely won’t happen, simply because I don’t like to eat that early.  But it’s not taboo right now. Making it taboo only makes me want it more and/or makes me eat more at lunch.  I’ll revisit the clean fast after I get this addiction back in its box, contained and under control.

Whew….what a downer post.  But one I needed to write!

I'm slacking!

 Ok, I am really slacking!  I could have sworn that I wrote this post....I'm telling you. I wrote it!  Ok, maybe I wrote it in my head.  But I just came online and was shocked to see it not here! I'm telling you.....

So about a week or so ago I had two things happen or rather brought to my attention that relate to my life and my healthy journey.  They are doctors advice to lose weight and setting goals.

The first is doctors advice.  I follow a channel on youtube. It is a guy and his wife is in the background and they banter back and forth.  We never see the wife.  HOWEVER, about a week ago we saw the wife in a very serious video.  She is roughly my age (48) and she was out grocery shopping and felt pain.  She had a suspected heart attack.  She spent 4 days in the hospital and they are still running tests to find out what is happening.   Their video was her story but very heavily into giving warning signs and advising people (women in particular) of heart issues. Women have different symptoms than men apparently....and women also at are higher risk when their estrogen is fluctuating wildly through perimenopause.  I watched the video and I was like "dude...just another reason to get my weight under control".  

But that still didn't spark me.  A few nights later I was just feeling really really dizzy.  I mentioned it to Jason and also mentioned that it had happened another evening (and I had a brief period of it since then for a third night).  We immediately checked my blood pressure and a few other things, and everything was normal.  But as I sat there worrying I was thinking, "My doctor is flat out going to have to put me on a different diet and whatnot in order to 'save my life"   Dramatic?   Yes.....very much so!  But this came right after that video that I watched!  But thinking that really made me think.......why am I not changing my diet NOW.  Why am I waiting under a doctor tells me that I have to change or I will die?

The other thing...the goal.  Someone, oddly enough the same person from the channel that posted that video that I mentioned earlier, commented on one of my videos.  They were saying "set goals".    I have resisted setting a weight loss goal.  I have set them in the past. I set goals like "I will lose 25 pounds by the time I get married"  (Yup...remember the 12 week challenge?? from this fall?)  I've done those challenges to myself many time!  And typically I start to slip up and as soon as I realize that I have no chance of making that goal, I feel like a failure and I give up.  Yup, that's what I do!   I give up and typically gain!     But I started to think.  I am not going to set any long term goal.  I am not going to say "MaryFran, you can be at your goal weight by such and such date!"  No!  I am setting a goal of 1 pound a week.  If I fail for that WEEK than I have the next week to try again!  

So those are my deep thoughts!  I have been doing ok with my weight loss efforts.  I've had a few things slip in (Reece's cups.......darn them!)  I have been able to maintain the clean fast for my intermittent fasting.  I've been consistently fasting about 16-17 hours each day. I've talked about pushing it longer, but right now I'm hungry when that 16-17 hour mark comes around.  So I'm just sitting back and relaxing with this for a while.  I don't want to be ravenous when I break my fast, because I know what I will do (or rather what I am capable of eating)!   So right now I'm just sitting right here at that 16 hour fast each day!