Saturday, May 11, 2013

The urge to quit

The last week or two has been extremely difficult in terms of my exercise.  I have gone out to complete my runs. I've really attempted them.  However, they are just less than stellar. I'm frustrated at my progress.  I'm not happy with it.  I read one blog where the person said "I just worked to run faster each time I went out"   That's easier said than done.  I am running at 80-85% of my HR ....I can't push it harder or my pea pickin' heart will spontaneously com bust. (ha).   I have/had a goal set for my next 5K....a time goal.  This race is  looming very close and I am consistently running my 5k 2-3 minutes slower than I need to be.  I'm only hoping that the adrenaline and whatnot pushes me to a PR. 

Saturday for the first time in a while I actually felt like quitting.  (in fairness, these thoughts came after a treadmill run..and I hate treadmill runs)   It felt hopeless.  I am disgusted at the slow progress and honestly the fact that the last week I've struggled to actually RUN my miles and I have to constantly fight the temptation to stop.  I sound like Jillian Michael's in my head....I run and drop to a walk.  Immediately, I hear her voice in my head yelling at me to RUN....and I run. (she scares me!)   The urge to quit is heavy in my mind.  VERY heavy in my mind.    I don't want to quit.  I vowed to commit through the beginning of August.......but it would be SOO easy to quit.  I'm not going to.  I'm going to see this through.  I'm just praying for some visible and concrete progress.  

I got my bike.   The adjustment from my Trek Nav to my new bike has been not so much difficult but painful. (I only ride my trek on the canal...FLAT and no transitioning to hills isn't helping the adjustment)   It's  big adjustment.  I was talking to someone the other day ...a bank customer that saw me out on my new bike and when I mentioned the transition, he said "some people never adjust".  First I wanted to slap him silly for his negativity.  But then I started to think deep about it.....most people don't really commit TO adjusting.  It gets tough and they give up.  I'm determined to adjust  the pain will disspate!

I'm not a quitter anymore!  I will (as long as legs hold out...or more specifically the arthritic knees hold out) continue through at least the August mark.   Quiting may have been a fleeting thought (ok, it's a recurring theme in my mind), but it's NOT AN OPTION!

The sound alone

Yesterday I got home and my husband had left me a ‘good will gesture’ in the refrigerator.  He left me two of the 1 liter bottles of diet Pepsi.  I’m touched that he thought outside the box and got me something.  However, I haven’t had diet soda in ages.  I haven’t craved it either.  I sent him a thank you text and pushed the drinks to the bottom and back of the refrigerator.  I went into the living room and got settled in to watch the hockey game (Washington Capitals versus the New YorkRangers….game 5 of the playoff series).  I was fine with my water.  I don’t crave the diet soda.  I can see it and be surrounded and it doesn’t phase me.  I’ve been only drinking water for ages and I’ve been utterly fine with that.  However, KNOWING that there was ice cold diet pepsi waiting for me in the kitchen was more than I could handle.   It didn’t take me long to cave in to the pressure though. Yes, before long I was sucking down a diet soda.  In fairness, I didn’t even complete a whole bottle and left the second one safely in the refrigerator.  I thought all was done with it when I went to bed and subsequently woke up this morning.  I prepared my protein shake (my normal breakfast when I work in the morning is a smoothie or a protein shake that I sip on at work while I’m waking up) and filled my water jug for the day ahead.  There was no thought of diet soda.  I was done with it one diet soda…the first in a month or two was not a bad thing and would have no ill effect, right???
So I’m fine.  Not even thinking about diet soda or even regular soda.  But then my coworker twists the cap on his drink.  Shhhhhhhhh  Yes, if you drink soda you know the sound.  That sound of a new drink being popped open echoed through the office.  My mouth started to water and I could TASTE the effervescent drink in my mouth.  I could feel it tingling and burning as it went down my throat.  I actually reached for the bottle of diet soda sitting beside me……only there was no diet soda sitting beside me.  MY hand connected with the handle of my water jug.  I fell back to earth and realized how quickly the fat little mini me (that bad influence that helps bring old habits to the front and whispers in my ear to eat bad things and to skip exercise)  that resides inside me can pop back to the surface.
I’m ok.  I’m pounding the water and I’m not going to cave and drink that diet soda that is left in my refrigerator… least not anytime soon. 
On a similar note, my husband (who really is pouring it on thick….trying to make amends by his ‘giving’ not by correcting the issue though) is going to take me to lunch todaysince there is a brief lull between the end of my work day and the beginning of his work day.  He was leaning toward Mexican.   I started to put my food into my tracker.  My weight is down by only a half pound this week (and in fact it was up by 2 pounds the other day…but was back down this morning).  That doesn’t give me a lot of wiggle room in order to still show a loss tomorrow morning.  It also give me NO wiggle room if I want to hit the 30 pounds gone in 2013 on my official weigh day (tomorrow).  I really like Mexican food though…REALLY like Mexican food.  I swallowed down the thoughts of how good Mexican food tastes and texted my husband.  My text read… “Instead of Mexican can we do something else…..the calories are a bit high at Casa G’s and I have a big weigh in tomorrow.” (in fairness, since I don’t eat meat I end up eating a LOT of cheesy dishes at Mexican restaurants)  He texted back ‘sure’, so I’m not sure where we are going.  But I will rock wherever we eat!