Consumed

 How are we already 18 days into the new year?  I feel like the year just started and yet here we are. Other than my eyeballs, it's been a normal couple weeks, but it just feels like it's flying by.  That could be because I am busy with life.  But maybe, it is because I am consumed!

Weight Loss

You know, this blog is about weight loss, so I guess I should start with that.  I lost another pound this week at my official weigh in.  (Go me!)  At my current weight I know that with effort it SHOULD be a lot more than that.  But I am chalking up the singular pound to two things.   Number one, I am in my 50's.  And dang if it's not more difficult to lose weight in your 50's!  But the real reason is reason number two which is, I am not tracking calories.  I am not doing anything 'diet' related.  Nope not one single thing.  Nada.  

Ok, maybe one or two little things now that I think about it, technically.  But then again...technically not.   Ok, let me share what I AM doing and you can decide.    

* I am tracking my food.  On paper.  No fancy weight loss apps.  No calories.  No nuttin'! Every day in my day planner I am simply writing down what I eat.  For example: Breakfast - Special K cereal with milk, Lunch - PB & J, applesauce, banana, Dinner- Roast beef with potatoes and carrots.    I am not measuring how much, I am just indicating what I ate. The only exception is one day when I had some cheese puffs with a sandwich and I wrote beside it 'too many'.  Other than that, I am simply keeping track of what I am eating.

* I am weighing myself.   Officially it is weekly, but I admit to stepping on the scales randomly throughout the week.

* I am trying to be more cognizant of what I am eating in terms of nutrition, such as adding more fruits and veggies.  I am limiting my sweet treat to once on a weekend. (Holy cow did that Dairy Queen Blizzard taste good last night!)   And I am trying to focus on how I am feeling versus eating more food simply because it tastes good or eating simply because the clock says it's a mealtime.  

It's slow.  But I think it's healthier for my mind at this point.  I just celebrated my 20th year of writing on here.  That is 20 years of struggling with my weight.  That is 20 years of tracking calories and trying to limit and restrict food.  It's been 20 years of forgetting who I am and living and breathing weight loss.  It's time for something different.  It's time to get in my head and rewire my brain.

Exercise

I have been slow to start anything really in depth in terms of exercise.  I did start my flexibility and mobility class.  I like the class but have issues with it.

Likes:

    *  I love the 15 minutes of stretching at the end.  She starts us at the top of our body and moves down our body one stretch at a time.  Feels fantastic.

   * Instructor is incredibly friendly.

   * Local small business

Dislikes:

    * Even knowing that I have arthritis in my knees it is very heavy on squats and lunges.  Which don't get me wrong, those things are fantastic and needed.  But my knee twinges after the class and while I am pushing through, I do wonder how long before my knees erupt. Ok ok ok, maybe erupt is a bit dramatic, but I do wonder how long before my knees decide that the period of slight twinges is over and it's time to really scream at me.   I am continuing in the hopes that the benefits of the squats and lunges show up before the knee pain screams!  (It really is a balancing act as I know that squats and lunges will strengthen the muscles which will help support the knee.......etc etc etc)

   *  It's class form but one night a week it is only myself and the instructor.  And the other night it is only myself, the instructor and one other person.  I thrive on the social aspect of a class.

   *I'm a little disconcerted that they (instructor and other class member) are huffing and puffing. Sweating, panting and breathing hard through the class. She keeps asking me if I am sore.....Nope.  Not at all! (other than my knee twinge which I mentioned).   But yeah, I'm disconcerted with their heavy breathing and sweating while I am literally feeling like it's a stroll in the park.  Am I in better shape than I thought? (Maybe I am still feeling the positive effects of that 75 day hard that I did in early 2025).  I even looked at my stats to see how I was handling the class!  

 Sure my heart rate is elevated but looking at my Garmin stats, no more than it is during my morning dog walk!

Or this day where there really is no discernible spike for the class at 6PM. Although looking at the chart  I am trying to figure out why I spiked high heart rates throughout the day. (And the time that is blank is because I had to remove my watch when I took my notary exam....no watches, phones purses, ANYTHING could be on me. I literally could only have my ID in my pocket and my car key) 

Zap Zap of the Eyeball and General Life

I have my laser surgery to fix the holes in my retina on Thursday.  I'm still terrified, but it's not like I have any choice in the matter.  Uncorrected the holes may enlarge and eventually cause retina detachment.  That could adversely affect my eyesight.  Losing my vision terrifies me even more, so laser surgery it is.

I have received all of my required documents for my notary commission. So some day this upcoming week (most likely after the zap zap of my eyeball on Thursday) I will go to be sworn in and then stop at another office to register my signature.  It makes sense to do it that day as I will be going to work late that day due to the zap zap appointment and thus the offices that I need will be open to allow me to get these things done.   

Consumed by my Miniature Dollhouses

Maybe it's a good thing that I am consumed by my dollhouse/miniature stuff.  Otherwise, I would be a wreck about the zap zap appointment.   

Maybe it's a good thing that I am consumed by my dollhouse/miniature stuff.  Otherwise, I would be more focused on food.

Maybe it's a good thing that I ........  oh well you get it!

Yes, I am consumed.  I think about my projects constantly.  What am I currently building.  What am I planning on building.  What do I need to buy.  What do I need to make.  What can I add.  This mansion that I am planning to build is a HUGE project.  I am referring to it as my grand opus.  There are a TON of rooms and I'm not making them tiny.  (Some dollhouses really condense things, I am condensing somewhat but not a whole lot!)  It's fun....and being consumed isn't a bad thing.

Being consumed allows me to occupy my mind in a healthy way. Being consumed allows me to take that focus away from my weight loss journey. The mind consuming  dollhouse/miniatures help me fill the void left when I remove the utter focus on weight loss as I work to retrain my mind.   It allows me to not think and focus about those things that make me sad and depressed in life.  It gives me a healthy creative outlet for my time. (I have always been one that is happiest when I am doing something creative....writing, quilting, crocheting, etc)  And seriously, it's just fun!  I just sit and giggle with glee when I make something or finally put something together to make a scene.  Just the other day I made a runner sled...this is the prototype, I plan on making another one with a few things 'corrected' in the next day or two!  So yeah, consumed!

Life is marching on, fast.  And for the time being, I'm doing ok.   

 

Time is Marching On

 It seems as if the older I get the faster time goes.  I swear it was only a blink ago and it was the Fourth of July.  Seriously, it feels as if I started my new job yesterday and here we are almost 6 months later.   And Christmas?   How can it almost be Christmas?  Yet, here we are.

 I'm not even going to talk about my weight loss efforts.  Life is ......well life.   That is no excuse, but it's what it is.

I actually mostly enjoy my job.  I still feel like I am a fraud and making it up and doing a really poor job.  I'm human and I know that being a human means that there will be mistakes here and there.  But I still feel like I am a fraud.  I am sure that this is residual damage from the  'manager' that I had at my last job.  (She was a holy terror.....I have written about it here and here.)   But all that said, I can see the reminders that come my way that I am doing just as well as people that have been there for scads longer.   Now just to get my brain to believe it! 

I have been able to finish my memory quilt.  I would go take a picture of it, but it is early while I am writing this and Jason is still in bed, covered by the quilt!    I rolled into some projects for Christmas gifts and then decided to take the plunge and do something I have been absolutely dreaming about for years well bef...what I am calling my grand opus dollhouse.  Seriously, I dreamed up the idea of this grand dollhouse eons ago.  I've sketched, I've plotted and I've dreamed about it.  But that is as far as it went.    And then a few years back I put aside my miniatures.  There were a variety of reasons such as money (we were trying to recover from Jason's accident with the axe where he didn't work for 6 months) and  time (visiting mom multiple times a week took a fair amount of time each week).   Being bluntly honest the bout of depression was overwhelming me.    So in the midst of life, I put aside my dollhouses.    But I never stopped dreaming about this grand house that I wanted to complete.   I had so much fun diving back into crafts that about a week before Thanksgiving I decided that it was time.   I was done dreaming.  It was time to do it!  I am doing it in sections.  I'm building one floor at a time (well, maybe two floors at a time in the case of the first and second floor as my library has a second floor/balcony......as does my grand ballroom.    I have started to construct the actual building.  I have started to gather supplies and look at furniture.  I have been painting and plotting.   And yes, I know that a two story library will need a TON of books, so I have started making books.     I am calling this my grand opus.  I don't plan on this being done anytime soon.  I am calling it my life project......Jason has laughed and said '5 years....maybe 10'.   We shall see.   The project though, helps keep the sadness and depression at bay.  

 As for the sadness.  I had been doing really good for the last few months.  And then in the last few days it has hit hard.  I 'think' that maybe it's the thought of another holiday without my parents.  I miss them so much. 

While weight loss has taken a back stage, I know that I need to get serious about it.  I honestly need to get serious about two things.  Specifically I need to get serious about my food intake and losing the weight.  But equally important is the fact that I need to get serious about my fitness.  I see my fitness and mobility start to slip and I'm not happy about that.  So I need to change! 

HOw in the world?

 How in the world is it really the end of November?  This last month has flown by!  And seriously, is it really the Christmas season already?  I'm NOT READY!  

I have been busy.  It feels as if I am on the go all the time.  The only time I have to sit is when I'm at work (I work a desk job).  Every night after work we are out running and doing something or the other.  Consequently, I am always feeling as if I am failing at everything,  because I feel so rushed.

Let me just get it out there and over with.  November saw no weight loss on my part!  I am disgusted with myself and KNOW that I have to make changes in my lifestyle.  The good thing,, I'm not gaining.  I am maintaining.  So while I WANT to be thinner, I am counting a maintain as a huge victory.

In my last post I wrote about I had this depression (or whatever you want to call it) culminate in a panic attack.  LUCKILY, that bad one was the only one.  I have managed to walk away, divert my thoughts and attention and have managed to keep the anxiety at a more manageable level. (Meaning I haven't had any more instances when I can't breathe and am sure I'm going to die).  Jason sticks pretty close to me and keeps an eye on me pretty much all the time.

Yes, Jason is able to keep an eye on me pretty much all the time because he is still off of work.   We have passed the first complete month since his accident with the axe. He is now able to walk on the foot.  And we are working to be able to put his foot in a shoe.  The wound was still open and draining at his last visit (which was right before the month mark) but he did get the stitches out.   So per doctors orders, he is still restricted until that wound is totally healed and until he can manage to put his foot in a shoe. (and walk and move it normally). Until then, he will not be cleared for work.  

I somehow managed to complete my porch scene in miniature.  The kit was ordered back before we bought our house and I have managed to carve out some times here and there (can we say 3-4 in the morning when I can't sleep) to work on this scene.  My scene is "Appalachian Wash Day" and I am quite happy with it.  It was created for a dollhouse creating competition.  I was seriously thinking I was going to be working up until the last minute (Submission Deadline is December 9th) but I managed to complete it and I got my pictures taken and my submission was entered just this week.  It was a good project for me as my mind tends to focus on my current projects (and ideas for projects) so that took me away from the anxiety at times.  

Christmas is right around the corner.  This year will be a small Christmas for Jason and I as he is out of work and that means we are a single paycheck family for a bit.   We have decided that we will do a nicer gift giving next year...maybe a small Christmas in July.  BUT, we did put up the stockings and the tree! (and I will make sure that there is something in Jason's stocking on Christmas, especially knowing that I hung the stockings and I saw him feeling the toe of his stocking within an hour to see if there was anything in it!)  Yes, the animals have to share their stocking!  

December is my birth month.  I can't believe that I will be 50 years old this year!  My word!   And that age is just one more reason to finally get my butt in gear and get healthy!  I'm not waiting until the new year.  I'm planning on getting a jump start on the new year and I'm starting now.  (even though my brain is screaming to 'have dessert tonight and start tomorrow....and better yet, enjoy December and start in the new year!).  

The monster sized dollhouse

So last weekend I went to pick up my dollhouse and both Jason and I were in for a surprise!   It was huge!  Ii talked a bit about it on my post from Monday    But had some requests to share the dollhouse!  Plus...well it’s my hobby so I like to share!  So here it is!!!

The dollhouse has 7 original rooms and an addition that adds two more rooms on the side.   There is one huge room in the attic and one smaller room under the eaves in the attic.   The second floor has two rooms and a bathroom.  The bottom floor has one large room and one smaller room.  The addition is off to the right in the picture below and adds two additional rooms.

 My current thinking?   The big room downstairs will be a living room.   The smaller room to the right of the steps will be the kitchen and the dining room will be in the downstairs of the addition.   The second floor in the addition will be a library.  The middle room on the second floor will remain a bathroom...and the two other rooms will be bedrooms.   The attic...right now I am leaning toward a craft from for the lady of the house combined with a playroom for the child of the house.   In the room under the eaves...a workshop for the man of the house.   

Other options:

I have toyed with making this a 1920’s era house..and making the addition an doctors office.  

I have toyed with making the addition a music room and library. 

The possibilities are endless ...right now I’m stumped though!!!!   Any ideas...please pass them along!!

I have repaired the shingles...and I have recreated some of the porch rails.  I will paint them and the house and then reinstall them.  (It’s easier to paint before I install!).   

I am thinking of keeping the house gray...but all the trim will be red (or green...Jason likes green).  So the door and window boxes will no longer be yellow...and the shutters will no longer be black...it will be one trim color!

Ideas and thoughts on paint scheme??

So how big is this really???  My McKinley dollhouse was previously my biggest house....you can see that dollhouse dwarfed by this new one in the picture below!!

I am looking forward to the work that I’ll be doing on this house!!! But the size...it is overwhelming our apartment.  I think we need to move!!!!  

So there you have my new purchase!!!!!!!!  Let me know your thoughts!  I would love to hear how this speaks to you!!!

By Request

This Wednesday post is going to be some requested information, some updates and maybe one or two random thoughts.   The requested info is pictures of my dollhouse.  The updates are the results of my doctors appointment and the aftermath of the no sweets two weeks.

Doctors appointment 

My doctors appointment went well.  This appointment was to get appeal paperwork  signed  so that my health insurance cost is manageable!  I wasn’t eligible for the ‘non-obese’ discount without the paperwork signed by my doctor.  She did sign it.  I will have an answer in a few weeks..so I’m still on pins waiting to get approved for my appeal.   But back to the visit.   I  told her exactly what had happened when my father died   (I dove headfirst into unhealthy eating and gained a fair amount of weight in a very short period of time).  I told her honestly that I was working on it..and was almost back to the weight that I was at before my fathers death.   I was very open about my accountability plans (friends that I email...this site...challenges that I am part of) and I told her about my daily tracking and weigh ins.  I also told her my current belief that I want to take this really slow...and restrict nothing...even if it takes me longer to lose because I do randomly eat some cake...or funnel cake at a fair..   I also admitted that the day before I went to the fair and indulged in some funnel cake....and that I wanted more but I had said only ONE  indulgence at the fair and how I was so careful about my decision...circling all the food venders before making my choice!   She was happy with that attitude.  She was in total agreement with everything.   She signed the paperwork, set a goal of 10-20 pounds...in the next YEAR....and told me that since my recent blood work (I took the results of my work health screening blood work) was all good that I could just skip my yearly physical and just come in in about 9 months (instead of November when I was due for my annual physical).   So a really good report!

Sweet treats

After my two weeks of disallowing the sweet treats...I have struggled to find the balance again.   Not having them made me want them all the time!!! So I have indulged EVERY night since allowing them again.  My mind went back to the ‘it’s not allowed so I better gobble up everything I can’ mentality.     I am working on getting back to the point of saying ‘I don’t need them...I can have them anytime...but I don’t need them all the time!!!  Basically I need to regain my foothold on the healthy relationship that I was building with food.

Dollhouse

I have been spending a lot of time on my dollhouse.  So by request, here are some updates pictures!   The kitchen and bathroom are mostly done...the bathroom can be seen on my dollhouse blog.  Wow, I just glanced at those pictures and they need to be updated too...I finally got the trim up in the corners and around the ceiling!  The blog does have some posts about the kitchen but there are no completed pictures (as far as it is currently completed) on there...yeah I need to fix that also!   I didn’t take new pics of those rooms because they are kinda ‘construction zone’ looking right now as I do major work on the other rooms...not to mention I’ve been sanding floors so it’s really dusty.  I’ll update the pictures soon though.    So for now I’ll talk about the rooms  I’ve been working on one at a time

Master bedroom

It is papered (trim is not up) and the flooring hasbeen laid and sanded.   I’m waiting to get the other floors completed before I stain...I’ll do all the hardwood floors at the same time to get a consistent color!  The little turret room is still a question.  (the little room on the right of the pictures). It’s too small to carry off a cradle....or the desk I have.  I thought about bookshelves along  the walls...but I’m just not sure. Lots of small touches to add for this room! Such as bedding, throw rugs and those little touches that make it look ‘real’ and lived in.

Hallway

The hallway is papered and the floor is laid and sanded.   (Pardon the messy bathroom off to the right..some of the items have fallen off the shelves and is laying on the floor!)

Nursery

The floor is laid but not yet sanded (you can see the difference between that floor and the hall floor in the picture) the wallpaper is up but needs some work as it didn’t adhere well and started to come loose (by the window). The rocking chair is painted and the crib has been constructed/made and needs to be sanded and painted....white also.   I need a dresser...bedding, curtains....and all the fun little things for the nursery!

Living room

Lots of painting has been done.  The wall behind the steps will be papered to match the hallway upstairs...(which is why the corner paint is not crisp and clean lines).  Flooring will occur soon...and the fireplace needs sealed and the stones weathered to look used.  I have no idea on the furniture in here yet....I do have a radio cabinet that will work in this 1950’s themed house.

I have lots of projects in my head...so many ideas...so little time (and money)!  But that’s the fun of dollhouses!!!

So life marches on.  I’m still here working on my weight...working to find the balance between living life and being healthy.  I’m still working on the dollhouse.   I’m still holding on.   But right now...off to work I go!!!

Down but not out

Well, I was sitting at work yesterday morning and thinking about my weekly weigh in.   To be totally honest, I was disgusted.   On Monday I weighed in 2 full pounds lower.  I didn't really eat crazy.  I ran a few miles.  I didn't have a bad few days!   And then voila....the scales were showing me up.   It didn't make sense.  However, I KNEW that it didn't make sense so I was determined to just show up those stupid numbers!

I was actually looking at hiking gear and hiking pants online and I was even more determined to get this weight off so that I wouldn't have to buy plus size (I'm on the cusp between plus size and regular size) clothes.That and we are talking about doing some backpack camping (ha ha ha...my friends and family may get a chuckle at MF roughing it) and if I'm going to spend the money for a good backpack, it would be nice to be fitted and have one that is perfect for the body that will be more like my long term (future) body.

I got off work at noon today and made my way home.  I was HUNGRY.  Bad bad bad place to be.  I was hungry at 10:30 and I waited until I got home to eat.  I got home at 12:30 and had some turkey noodle soup (homemade leftover from the night before) and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  And then I had some more soup and some Honey Mustard Pretzel bites.  GRRRR  I was STUFFED!  I knew I over ate.  I would have been fine with just the soup or just the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Or the soup and sandwich without the second serving of soup.  And what's worse?  I POSITIVELY did NOT need the pretzels.  (Luckily the pretzels are GONE now)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I'm NOT giving up.  I had a binge. I had a bad day.  (my calories were ONLY at 1500 for the day....including dinner...so I still wasn't THAT bad!)   I'm going to be on this like white on rice!   I want to be thin and healthy!!!!   This journey is way to important!!!!!!

I stayed busy during the afternoon.  I helped my father with a project, completed a few things on my to do list (including making pies, bread and pumpkins for my dollhouse)   It was a nice quiet and productive afternoon.                                                                                                                                           I had plans to go to dinner with Jason but he ended up having to cancel. (valid reasons that I totally understand, and I knew it was a possibility from the moment we made the tentative plans)    I was understandably saddened by this (cuz in case you haven't figured it out...I really like this guy!).  But on the other hand, I was relieved.  You see, I wasn't all that hungry and I know me...I would have shoveled more food down my gullet if I had gone out to eat with him.  (I still ended up eating a Jersey Mike's turkey sub with my parents though!)

So lesson learned.  It really does just prove to me how tenuous my control is.