Adding a New Habit

 The other week I decided to start afresh and make this weight loss thing happen.  I am tired of being overweight.  I am tired of hurting.  I am just sick and tired of it!   So I started.  Now I didn't start full steam ahead and vow to do everything right.  I made a vow to work on two habits at a time.  I vowed to work on tracking my food and drinking at least 64 ounces of water. 

The tracking has gone splendidly.  Even through my birthday weekend it was a win!  I have tracked religiously for the last two weeks!    I have gotten back into the habit and routine of keeping a record of what I am eating.  I feel as if I have done a good job with my tracking.  I tracked everything.  Honestly, I am too ashamed to even share my points /calories that I ate some days.  It was ugly!  But ugly or pretty the goal was to track regardless.  I nailed this habit setting venture.  I will be continuing to track my food!

I wish I could declare the same victory for my water drinking habit that I was/am working on.  This one has proven to be very elusive to capture.  Some days I come really close to drinking my 64 ounces.  Some days I'm rather far away.  I think that I only managed this once or twice.  This habit definitely is NOT cemented yet.  I've still got some work to do on this habit building venture to drink my water!

So I am continuing to work on creating the water habit but since I have the tracking down, it is time to add a new habit to the mix to work on.   So what is the new habit going to be?   Well it is going to be working to keep my calories/points in line each day.  I'm not aiming for perfection.  Aiming for perfection is a good way to get discouraged because life is not perfect. I am aiming for 5-6 days a week of perfection.  I am aiming to be within my points for the week (using the weekly points for WW).    So water and keeping my food intake at a correct level for weight loss success is my habits that I will be focusing on.   Now just because I am focusing on these two habits doesn't mean that I will be ignoring the tracking...that is in theory now a habit and will be continuing!

I had a nice birthday weekend.  On Thursday we ran all of our errands and went to see my mom.  On Friday we headed north and visited the abandoned coal mine town of Centralia.  This is the town that was abandoned when the coal seams/coal mines caught on fire under the town....and continue to burn out of cotntor.   (you can watch my youtube video here for some more info) Sadly for us, all the buildings are gone and it is simply roads and sidewalks that are being reclaimed by nature.  But we visited the cemeteries and soaked in the abandoned nature of this town. 

On my actual birthday we headed up the road again, but a lot closer this time.  We went to Carlisle PA and visted the Army Heritage Museum.   I have driven up the interstate so many times and noticed the army equipment situated along the walking trail but I never realized that there is a very nice museum there also.   We had a few enjoyable hours exploring the museum and walking trail. 

It was a nice birthday weekend.  Now that I am half a hundred, it's time (past time) to get my health in line!   

A great week!!!

 I had a great week......well a great week in terms of my life!  It may not have been so great in terms of my weight loss but we will get to that!

This past week I celebrated my 48th birthday.  I had off my birthday and the day after my birthday.  Jason had to work on the one day so I went to my mom's house and enjoyed time with her.  We had lunch with my brother and his family and it was a great day!

Oh yeah, mom also made me my favorite cookie!  And yes, I sorta kinda lost control of myself when eating them!  I only ate two at a time...and luckily the batch is not a huge batch so I only came home with 12 cookies!  But still.....

We had really nice weather over the weekend...so we got out and explored and just had some fun!  That was nice to be active and moving and seeing new things!

Ok, so maybe the healthy lifestyle fell by the wayside this weekend.....The weekend is over and I'm right back to it!!!!!!

Birthday week

This week was my birthday week.  How in the world can I be 47 years old?  I certainly don’t feel like I’m 47 in my heart and mind,  that’s for sure!  But alas....that is my age and I shall wear it with pride.

But anyway, my birthday week....

We both took some time off work and had a four day weekend, which was heavenly! We  visited family and ran some errands but we also took the time to go away for a short trip.  We went to Lancaster, PA.  It was good to get away!

Jason didn’t know much about the Amish so we went to the Amish Village.

We did the Sturgis Pretzel Tour and learned the history of Sturgis Pretzels...the oldest continuously operating pretzel company.  

We hit up a bunch of antique shops!

I even bought myself a gift...for my dollhouse!

And we did some shopping at a few places....hey a girl needs some shoofly pie....and some Wilbur Chocolate!!

We had a great time!

The problem?  Food....shoofly pie is not exactly low calorie!  Neither is chocolate!   

We went back to work on Wednesday and I was determined to get back on track.  I actually wrapped and froze the rest of the shoofly pie.

But then failed anyway when my coworkers arrived at my desk with this monster piece of cake!

I honestly stared at the cake for an hour or more before I caved and ate it...I was only going to have a few bites (and tried to split it with coworkers) but ended up eating the whole super rich and sugary piece! Oops!

I’m barely hanging onto my weight....and not doing all that well with it....November was rough with a gain...and for December this far I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread with my weight teetering on a ‘maintain’ one day and a ‘gain’ the next day.

I’m determined to live a balance...and this week the balance fell more toward the indulgent side.  While that is not good for my weight, it is the balance that my mind and heart needs.   Furthermore, I know that I can still balance it out by getting right back on track!  all is not lost!!

Failure at it’s Best

I want to just erase this past week from the books!  Can we? Huh?  Please?   It had been a week of failure on a few different healthy living fronts!  Eating was a failure!  Exercise was a failure!  It was just...well two steps forward, two steps back!   So let’s figure out went went wrong!

Failure Number One

My eating!  As aforementioned on this site, I had my mother’s filled cookies that she makes one time a year...especially for my birthday. (She calls them a labor of love because they are fine intensive). I ate a LOT of cookies!  It’s a once a year thing....but I still ate a lot of cookies!  Otherwise I didn’t eat too poorly...but did I mention I ate cookies...2-3 for breakfast...with a banana.   2-3 For lunch....with my regular lunch.  One or two as a snack when I got home from work.  Oh and I ate 4-5 each night after my normal dinner.   Maybe a dozen cookies a day. That’s a lot of cookies (they are gone. I got them on Monday afternoon and by Wednesday night they were mostly gone...I had two on Thursday to end this years cookie fest).  I ate so many cookies that on Thursday morning I was feeling icky and stuffed and just not well.  Don’t worry...I still finished up those two cookies that were left!   And since there was no sweets left...I STUPIDLY made brownies.   I was stuffed and feeling icky while I was eating dinner...yet I continued to shovel the food into my mouth...and I of course couldn’t pass on the brownies!!!   Why???  So here I am on Friday morning super early, once again feeling icky...stuffed and half sick!   I swore after New Year’s Day when I ate so much I was physically sick, that I wasn’t doing this again....yet here I am??

As a side note. I finally got the recipe for the cookies this year...which could be a bad thing...because if I can make them then I have the chance for the deliciousness all the time.  BUT I am looking at it this way.  If I make them...and know I can make them myself....it will take away the utter frenzy of eating them when I get them.   Mom’s will always taste sweeter and better...but I won’t be as crazed.  That’s my theory anyway...and I don’t plan on making them anytime soon!!!!

Failure Number Two

Exercise.  I was doing so good with waking up early to exercise for almost two months.  Last week my schedule changed.  I go in a half hour earlier......I just can’t force myself to wake up even earlier...5 to 5:30 is early enough in my book!  I do make it home a half hour earlier now.  I swore that I would start running again during that half hour.  It just has not happened!  It’s hard when Jason is already home to kiss him hello, change my clothes and walk back out the door...even when I know it is only for a half hour!   When he isn’t home yet, it is too tempting to start making dinner, cold the laundry, etc.  so I have been a colossal failure in the exercise front!  Next week maybe I’ll nail this on!!!

And yes...I laid out my running clothes early this week...ready to hop into them after work.  I figured have them out and ready and it would make it easier to switch gears and get out there!  Well, the whole week had passed and they are still laying on the trunk nice and clean and ready for use.

Another failure!! Big time!!!

Failure Number Three

Everything...this change in hours while seemingly small is really throwing me for a loop.  I’m tired (ok maybe that’s also because I’m in training at work..).  I’m sluggish.  I’m not getting things done.  I feel like I’m falling behind (blog reading...blog writing for example).  Grrrrr

Failure Number Four

My weight.  It’s up.  It’s also the monthly ick, it has arrived...and my weight usually goes up when that happens.  But I can’t  honestly blame it all on the monthly ick.  Seriously...lots of cookies. (That I did share with Jason!). My weight as of yesterday is back to my high of this year.  I lost weight steadily from May to September...and I have slowly regained that weight back.   Grrrr!   Well....almost...maybe a pound lower.   But still!!!!!!!  I did it to myself, but it is still super frustrating!!!

So lots of failures to report this week!  I’m ashamed to write this post.  But it’s how this journey is.  I just lost a battle in the war..  But I haven’t waved the white flag of surrender just yet for the war itself.   I retreated and I’m immediately going back on the attack.  The next battle is upcoming!!!  Part of a war is losing some battles and winning others. Most wars are not won without some losses. But to win the war we must pick ourselves up, reevaluate and head into the next battle stronger and smarter.   That is just what I am doing. I know where some of my mistakes happened. (Eg Not packing a lunch yesterday because I felt icky...then eating junk food at work because I got hungry...and snacks at home because I was still hungry) I can correct those mistakes and move on stronger and smarter...and I will win the next battle!!!  I’m determined!!

I leave you with my work in progress.....the living room of my one dollhouse.

MIA: here I am

Ok, so I missed posting on Friday...oops!  It wasn’t because I have given up or anything like that.  Life just was crazy last week!  

 Last week was a blur.  I had off Monday...Tuesday and Wednesday were my last days on my old team at work.    On Wednesday I had multiple meetings concerning my new team.  Thursday and Friday were the first days of training.  So just crazy!

The weekend rolled around and we were happy for the time to relax!

  I was really happy because my official weigh in day showed me down about a pound.  Not exactly on target for the 10 pounds I want to lose in December...but down!   I’ll take it!!!

However.....the weekend was sure to bring lots of food....birthday cake/treats.  Really?   I wasn’t giving up eating a little treat for my own birthday!!!  

We went away...grand plans to hike a lot.  Well that didn’t happen...a late start and some planned stops and. Visits along the way and we decided to just hike on Sunday.   We made our way south and checked into our hotel.  The idiot owner had left the windows open...the room was as cold inside as it was outside...20°!   We cranked the heat but got totally chilled as we waited for the heat to warm everything up.  No problem...we would just take really hot showers to warm up!   Except that there was no hot water!   (Barely lukewarm) That was the straw that broke the camels back...we got a refund and made a switch to a different hotel.  

Sunday we both woke up feeling icky....and where we wanted to hike was closed due to an impending storm. Well then.....we gave up and went home and curled up on the couch.

Today, my actual birthday and we are hanging out...both off  work.  We are both still ‘snotty’ but plan on heading out to hit some stores and run some errands...before coming home to curl up on the couch and watch movies.  Not an exciting way to celebrate your 46th birthday...but just what we want....maybe the earlier plans falling through were a blessing in disguise!!!

I did get my birthday gift from Jason while we were in Virginia...a new good chain to replace the one I lost on his birthday weekend!

You can kinda see it in this picture sparkling on my neck!!

Weekend slug

Noooooo. I don’t want the weekend to end!!!  I am dragging on this Monday morning!!!!   We had a really low key weekend, which is what we probably needed. Our low key weekend gave me some insight to the weigh in pattern that I have been seeing, so that was good!  But in the grand scheme of things, my eating was horrible!!!  So without further ado, let’s get into the nitty gritty of my weekend!

An Indulgence

Friday at work I developed  a bad headache that drove me to the cafeteria looking for caffeine.   I found caffeine...and a chicken salad sandwich and...

It didn’t help...I really needed a second package to take the ache away.   But...I didn’t get it!!  I just ate the one package!!!  And boy was it delicious!!!!  I don’t feel guilty...do you know how long it’s been since I indulged in one of these???  My favorite candy???   The important thing is that it was ONE package...and I was done.  I didn’t buy more over the weekend...one and done!!!  (Oh and even with the caffeinated drink...I still made my water goal for the day!  I drank the soda alternately with my water while at work!  And I already had almost three down by the time I got the soda!!)

Bike riding

We actually hopped on our bikes on Friday evening and did a small jaunt on our local path.  We had skipped Thursday and felt like we should go on Friday to make up for the skipped day.  I can slowly feel my legs getting stronger!  

We didn’t sit on the bike the rest of the weekend!  No big ride like normal!   On Saturday we just felt like slugs and had no energy to do anything more strenuous than to walk through a store or two!  What happened on Sunday?  We had family obligations.

Slug activities

As I mentioned.  We were total slugs!   On Saturday we did our errands and went into a few stores. It was early on that we knew a bike ride was not in the cards for us. So we instead hit up the antique store near us and then went on a search for a retro game system!   We ended up buying the Sega retro system   It’s so neat to play the old games!  I see another purchase or two in the future, the Nintendo version and the Atari version!

 But other than that, we relaxed on Saturday. (And played video games)

Sunday we hit up another antique store, visited my mom and spent some time at Jason’s parents house to celebrate his belated birthday.

Of course we had to try on the fun hat at the antique store!

Food

Well, let’s just say that my food was delicious this weekend!   It included fried macaroni and cheese, pizza, French fries (baked), edible cookie dough, chic-fil-a milkshakes and of course birthday cake.  I had veggies and healthy things also!

Weight

I actually smashed the pattern of my weigh-in’s this weekend!!!   Yes I did!  It wasn’t all good.  I never dropped to my Typical Saturday low weigh in weight. My weight stayed steady through out the weekend.  Im actually happier with that than with seeing the really low weight on Saturday just to see it pop back up by Monday!  

Some theories about why?

* We didn’t ride this weekend!  I have been wondering if the intense hard ride on the weekend is affecting my weight!  

*I drank no diet soda this weekend (typically I drink a fair amount on the weekends)

Who knows...but I’m going to try to keep the diet soda away!   And the biking...well that’s returning!!!

Sometimes, you just have to listen to your body and be a slug!   Sometimes our bodies need the rest!!!  Next weekend is a three day weekend.  I’m already counting down!!!!

Mind over Matter

Ahhh another weekend!  Delightful!  It is actually still ongoing as we both have a vacation day today (Monday!). But what a weekend it has been this far!  Of course the normal weekend housecleaning was done and the grocery shopping and errands...they were finished first thing so that we could enjoy the weekend to the fullest!   I rediscovered the phrase ‘mind over matter’.  We hit up some fun events, we visited one of our favorite places to go as a couple, and we have spent time together.   Oh and let’s not forget the celebration of a birthday!!!

Mind over Matter

Years back when I was running a lot, I got in the habit of literally having to ask myself ‘are you dying’, Simply because I wanted to give up when things got hard.  I wanted to give up so badly that my head told me I was dying!.  It was a constant in my head as I pushed myself harder and further each time I went out.   Now,  I can’t take credit for the question.   Anyone that watched ‘The Biggest Loser’ tv show years back hear Jillian Michaels scream at the contestants ‘are you puking or dying?  No...then keep going’   And my brother has told me on many times that it’s a mental battle...our minds are honestly convinced that we are dying!  But his advice is that  that in reality we are not dying.   Our bodies are amazing things...if things do get too precarious, then our bodies will shut down and we will pass out...which is the bodies way of re-regulating us, cooling us down, calming our breathing and heart rate...etc.  I don’t know how true that is, since I’m not a doctor.  But it makes sense.

A few months ago we went biking on a trail at the Little Bennet Park.  It was difficult on my old bike but I worked it...and walked quite a bit of the uphills.  I mentioned it to my brother.  In a brotherly way, he reminded me that I wasn’t going to die...that I should have kept riding and not walked!   Yesterday, on my new bike we went back to that same trail.   I’m not used to my bike, so at times I was quite terrified as I don’t really know how my bike will handle in certain situations.  And I almost went down...I somehow saved myself from falling into a pit of mud that I was trying to avoid. (And my bike gave me my first set of bruises as I wrestled with the bike to keep from falling in the aforementioned mud pit.).  But I wanted to ride  the WHOLE climb up the fire road (which I previously walked). And I was determined to ride the whole trail without putting my feet down.   That meant NO breaks and NO walking up the inclines!!!   I managed the fire road.  The trail...wowzer!  I was pushing it!  Hard.  I was breathing like a freight train!  I just wanted it to end...the last bit was bad.  (At one point I even muttered a prayer ‘Dear God when will it end!’  All I could think about was coming to the trail head, getting my bike an inch off the trail and laying down in the grass!  I was pushing it HARD!  So hard that from behind me Jason said ‘it’s not worth killing yourself’.  But by that point I knew I was close to the end and I KNEW I was going to complete it unless my body MADE me stop!  I counted my breathing to try to regulate the gasps for air!   I pushed!  And when I rolled my tires off the dirt trail into the grass at the trailhead I wanted to cry from the exhaustion exhilaration.  I sat on the grass for a bit...sipping water and then I was ready to load up the bikes and head home and on to our next activity.

Bike Race

Next up in the weekend fun was a bike race! No...not one in which I was participating!!!  I was a spectator!!!

It is touted as the only race of its kind in America!   I went to it a few years back with my parents and brother’s family.  Now that We live in Frederick where the event it held and the fact that Jason has  never been to the race, it was decided that we should attend.   It is a high wheel race.   Definitely neat to see.   Some riders come decked out in period style clothes.  

Some riders are on new bikes...some riders are on old vintage bikes (the oldest bike in the race was from the late 1880’s early 1890’s)

The winner just ripped it up!  In this race the riders have 30 minutes to make as many laps as possible.  The winner actually passed and lapped the second runner up!   He was strong the whole way through!!!  He was actually from Sweden, and if I understood the race announcer right, the winner is the owner of the only place that is still.  making high wheel bikes...in the world. So here is a picture of the winner.

We were not at the finish line...that was around the corner on a different block...but our spot was perfect...shaded...front line and they had speakers set up so we could hear the announcers....but we didn’t need to brave the wall to wall people that was crowding the finish line area.  It was fun...and added walking to our list of activities...as we parked way out and walked down to the town center!  And Frederick had done a nice job with their downtown area!

A Visit South

The birthday boy (ok and myself also) decided to head south into Virginia to stay in Front Royal for a night.  We have always just really liked this area.  We have spent a lot of time in this area...it’s the closest access to the Shenandoah National Park and the pretty Skyline Drive and miles upon miles of hiking!  Here is a picture from a January hike.

A second bike ride

We took our bikes to Virginia with us.   I had grand plans...I found a mountain bike trail last year.   (Sherando Park) We actually hiked it.   I didn’t remember it as being too rough...so we headed in that direction.    Oh yeah...it was a bit over my head in technical skills!  Walking it made it seem easy...but it was a bit more than I could handle on a bike!!!   I was creeping and had to walk my bike around some steep downhill switchbacks and up some technical rocky inclines.  Ohh...and my legs were shot from the day before at the Little Bemnet Park ride.  And as if that wasn’t enough. The skies that were blue turned dark and lightening started to pop in the sky.  So it was a short ride.  Luckily we cut it short as it was a downpour of rain within 15 minutes or so after we got off the bikes.

We relaxed the rest of Saturday evening in Front Royal...visiting our favorite stores and eating at our favorite choice for dinner.  

Food and weight

My weight was looking good at each weigh in.  But I am nervous about the scales...I was ravenous on Sunday!  To the point of headaches from hunger.  I ate way over my normal calorie range.  I try to keep it at 1200-1300....I ate 2100 calories.  I did burn some biking though...so that’s good!

Monday plans

We are still in Front Royal.  We will make our way home today. We plan on trying to ride today...if the weather cooperates.  It may be on the canal...the deluge of rain from yesterday (and the overnight rain that I believe we got) will have probably made the mountain bike trails too wet.  Overall though, I think it will be a relaxing day.

I will not forget the mind over matter lesson!  I experienced great joy and satisfaction from pushing myself and conquering what I set out to do!  My body is responding to my efforts.  My legs grow stronger and my endurance builds. I will be back to the mountain bike park that we visited near Front Royal. I will conquer it.  It may not be next week...or even next month.  I have some skills to learn and some comfort to gain on my bike...and a bit more endurance to build.  But mark my words, I’ll be back...with a vengeance!

A pictures is worth a thousand words

Winni enjoys her crocheted hat

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Well, Todd and I have had a few days off of work. (Saturday through today...Tuesday).  I've been proud of what I've gotten accomplished.  I've crocheted a bit......mostly granny squares (using up random pieces of yarn) but also a crocheted cat hat.

Christmas Cross stitch

                                                               I've finished up a cross stitch project.  I started this cross stitch only a month or two ago...and worked on it mainly at work.  I was surprised I got it done in time for Christmas....but I'm happy that I did.  I'm tired of unfinished projects (and yes...my weight is an unfinished project that I need to rectify!)

We went to my nieces gymnastics meet.  She of course takes after her aunt and was dashingly adorable!

Balance Beam

Uneven Bars

We were planning on having lunch with family  after the gymnastics meet.  However, we left the meet and found about 6 inches of snow on the ground.  The roads were horrible so Todd and I called my father and gave our regrets.  It took us over and hour to make it home (10 miles).  We were home for the rest of the day.  It snowed and we just curled up inside and relaxed.  Here is the last picture that was taken before my age flipped up to the new improved number of 41.

Rosy cheeks after being in the hot tub

Two snowy days during my time off.......My birthday snow.....and an early morning hot tub dip.

December 10 hot tub usage

So if you notice there has been very little mention of food in this blog post.  There is a reason.  I haven't been eating exactly the best.

So you may have noticed that this blog post doesn't mention exercise.  There is a reason.   I haven't been exercising exactly the best.

Birthdays are a time to reflect.  I'm want this birthday to be the last year that I sit on my birthday as an obese person.  I'm done.  I'm tired.  I want it.  I'm willing to work for it.  I'm willing to shed the blood, sweat and tears to get it.

The Inner workings

Up and about this morning.   I'm struggling.  I know I need to do something active....yet I just don't have the gumption to do it.  I'm sitting here on my computer instead.  GRRRR

I've been doing some thinking the last few days.   It's the same thoughts that I've been pondering so greatly the last few months.   Where am I in this grand scheme of life.  Where am I going in this life journey.  Where do I want to go.  What can I be doing to get there.    Eventually the thoughts evolved into, How can I live with what I have and maintain happy existence.  Life sucks sometimes.  And too often I've let life beat me down.  I cower in a corner and cry.  I run away from problems and ignore them.  I throw up my hands and give up.  It's human nature.  It's easier that way.  Less combative, less confrontational and I used to think less painful.    However, ignoring some of these issues in my life, or rather pushing them under the carpet (some by my own decision...others by the decisions of those around me) only brought me heartache.  I lost myself in the process.  My personality slowly crawled further and further inside me.  I feared for a while that it had died.  Each day was literally a chore as I put one foot in front of the other.  I didn't know what was out there worth living for. 
A month or two ago I was wallowing in the despair of turning 40.  Yes, 40 hit me hard. It's not so much the number, it was the realization that I had reached another milestone and my life was nowhere near what I wanted it to be.  Financially, maritally, health wise.  My life seemed like it was in the pits and I was literally despondent.  I sat back and decided that the only thing I COULD change was my weight.  I started there.  Slowly thinking about it....making changes....starting.  Taking control of my food addiction gave me the courage to look into other areas of strife within my life.   I don't have control over the other situations....but I DO have control over how I react to them.  And my reactions are what will make them slowly get better (hopefully....in theory at least) or degenerate further.  I had the courage to face one dead on.  It was rough...it still is rough...but hopefully at least one thing will be squared away within a short amount of time.

The side effect of facing these issues head on?   I find myself smiling more.  I find myself happier throughout the day.  (yeah, I still have my down moments because stress and strife is still stress and strife).  I am rediscovering who MaryFran really is...and you know what????   I kinda like her!

You see, this healthy journey is not just about muscles and fat.....it's about working out the inner demons that battle within us!   Will I eradicate these demons totally?  Probably not (although one can hope and dream).   Will I never have problems?  Of course not....that is life.   But will I make choices that allow me to work through problems instead of allowing these problems to fester within me and thereby steal who I am and my inner joy?? Absolutely....I don't want to be lost anymore!  My choices will in the future benefit me!

You know, maybe writing this instead of getting on my exercise bike was a good thing.  Maybe I needed this just as much if not more than the exercise.   (no, i'm not saying that I don't need the exercise)

Happy Birthday January 6

Today is my 6 year birthday for this blog!   6 years seems so young, yet for the life of a blog that is significantly long.  I was going through my google reader the other day.  I pulled up ALL subscriptions versus the normal 'new posts' that normally is displayed.  I was saddened by all the blogs that had not posted since 2008 or 2009.  I can hope and pray that those people had success and with that success no longer had need for a blog.  However, I clearly understand that odds are that they have given up the quest for weight loss.  Whatever the reason, I wish them much happiness.

In the last 6 years I have experienced great successes.  Reaching Onederland was huge!  I think that reaching that milestone was probably even bigger than when I finally made my doctor approved and Weight Watcher accepted (with a doctors note) weight.  If my blog was any indication, this is true as there was no major celebratory post about reaching my goal.  Seriously, I see vague references to it in sentences such as "three weeks to go until I'm considered a lifetime member"  but it just passed without luster or fanfare.  But this blog walked me through those days and I DID it!  I've had moments of sadness, such as the loss of my water jug (bucket) that saw me through the bulk of my weight loss.  I've had incredible successes.  I've passed monumental milestones.  I've worked to heal from scars that were left in my life, such as teaching my teaching experience.  Even with all the success I have encountered, I also regained.   This blog has seen me through a lot in the last 6 years.

The future is upon me......and I'm ready to reach onederland again.  I'm ready to reach goal again and this time I plan on doing it with greater fanfare than the last time. I am going to savor my successes.  I'm going to continue to be honest about my failures.  I'm going to continue to live! I"m going to continue to learn to love myself unconditionally.  I am going to win!!!

 Happy Blog Birthday to me!

PS  Down 2.4 for this week! 

Turning 40

Turning 40 has been a difficult proposition for me.  As the date grew closer, I struggled.  I know that it's just a number.  I know that i'm the same person at 39 that I am at 40.  My problem came with the introspection that one does at milestones.  The big change to a new decade is one of those milestones. .....sometimes it's just the 'new year' reflection....it can be anything.   I started reflecting on where my life is.  I thought back to my hopes and dreams and where I wanted my life to go.   I found out that where I wanted my life to go and where I am are two different things entirely.  Life took some very divergent paths.   Changing course isn't the worst thing in life. I know that.   The problem is that my paths left me in a place that I do not like.  My path also dropped me into a plae where there are seemingly no way out of.  It's 'accept' situations.  Most everything I have absolutely no control over.  One of them is the teaching situation.  Yes...I still despair about the loss of my dream. (and I HATE when people try to say that that option is still open to me.....it is NOT open to me...when it's suggested and I even think about it, it restarts the nightmares, the health issues, etc etc etc) I also despair about the loss of my dream of having children.  My life has huge voids and nothing has ever taken the place of these dreams and one or two other dreams that have been trampled and killed.  I'm in an unhappy place and I don't know how to fix it.

There is however ONE thing that I do have the power to fix.  That is my weight.   That is the motivating factor behind my push recently.  Idon't have power to change anything except myself.  I can take steps to try to change the direction on SOME of the things...ie really dig in deep and search for a new job...one that pays better to help the financial situation....but for the most part there is nothing I can do.   Except for my weight. 

I am happy to say that my 4 day weekend birthday extravaganza (the home kitchen was closed, we ate OUT every meal...well except for some quick breakfasts) only caused ma a one tenth of a pound gain.   And I'm thinking that there is some water retention going on as I drank next to NOTHING this past weekend.  At least I hope.  :-)   Either way, i'm hot on the trail of weight loss for this upcoming week.....as a newly minted 40 year old.