Doritos, I’m looking at you!

​It’s time for some straight talk.   It’s time to figure out what I want, or should I say what I really want!    Weight loss is hard!  It’s the hardest thing in the world.   It requires amazing mental willpower.  It requires astronomical amounts of determination.   It requires our whole mind, body and spirit at times.  Losing weight is not for the faint of heart!  But I know from experience that the end result is better than anything I could imagine!   I know that the difficulty makes all the pain and hard work and yes, sheer grit worth it.   But why does it have to be so difficult?

I’m working on getting my mojo back.  I’m being a lot more cognizant of my food choices.  I’m tracking, for the most part!  It’s the parts that I am not tracking that is killing my efforts.   Doritos, I’m looking at you!  Mr. Cake, your getting the stink eye!   

I know that some of the unplanned and the un-tracked indulgences are stress related indulgences.  The Doritos were shoveled into my mouth while tears coursed down my cheeks.  The cake, well baking is my therapy; eating the cake is  too!   That is no excuse though.  I should have known better.

All I can say is that I’m here.  I’m working through these emotions. (Or trying to…) and every minute is a chance to start fresh again.   I’ll keep restarting and vowing to conquer this weight loss thing as long as it takes.

I once wrote that weight loss is a series of battles.   Sometimes you have to lose some battles to position yourself better for the next bigger battle.  Sometimes you have to lose a battle because a lesson needed to be learned about your enemy.  But it’s not really the individual battles that count.  What counts is that you win the war!

Doritos aside…(they are gone)….refocusing…heading into battle once again!

Finding Balance

 A few weeks ago, I wrote a bit about how I sometimes think that weight loss has overcome my life.  I sometimes feel as if that is my full identity.  I am simply a weight loss person.   I can see how that would happen as I am working on year 18 of posting about my weight loss journey.   But there is more to me than that and I want to really explore those other sides of me a bit more fully. I'm on a quest to find balance in my life.  So buckle up, it's time to explore and get back to the basics.   Ok, that sounded way too dramatic.  It's nothing that crazy, I just decided to purge what isn't working and rediscover what brings me joy and happiness.  In small ways these things have been discussed over these last 17.5 years, so it shouldn't come as a shock.  

Purge and Rediscovery

The quest to purge and rediscover started from two events.  The first was a conversation that I had with my mother.   Mom had a stroke about a year ago, and it has been a really rough ride for her (for all of us).  She is unhappy and miserable with her life.  I was talking to her about happiness and how we have to look for happiness sometimes in our lives.   I was talking to her (which fell on deaf ears unfortunately) but my words came right back around to slap me in the face.   What am I doing in my life to make myself a happier person.  Sure, I'm happy and totally in love, but is there a limit to happiness?  Shouldn't we always be striving for more?  What do I do on a daily basis that makes me happy?   What COULD I be doing to bring about more happiness?

The second thing that set my mind a spinning was all centered around some of my belongings that I have in storage.  When I got divorced back in 2014, my brother allowed me to store some of my belongings in the upstairs of his workshop.  I have gotten some of the stuff over the last few years, but some of the 'odder' things have remained up there.   I have my thin clothes, canning jars and supplies, cookbooks, my medicine bottle collection, and who knows what else. The other week I was up there getting some jars for canning and making plans to get that stuff out of there to free up his space.  Obviously, some of the stuff will be used eventually. (I WILL fit into those clothes again!)   But I have decided to purge a fair amount of the stuff.  It is time to simplify my life. Remove the excess.  Excess only weighs us down and really does not bring us happiness.  There was a time where collecting medicine bottles did bring me happiness, but it doesn't anymore, so it's time to purge and move on.   So, it's a season to purge from my life that which is not necessary or is not bringing me happiness.

Rediscovering Photography

I used to do so much photography.  I loved it.  It was my salvation and outlet during a sad time in my life.  When I was able to move past that sadness, I almost couldn't bear to pick up the camera.  It was almost as if I had poured all of my sadness into the camera through my photography.  For a few years after my divorce, I would try to pick up the camera, but the sadness seemed to hit me every time I touched the camera.  It was easier to walk away and not dabble in photography than to deal with the sadness that came from nowhere. (Seriously, the camera oozed with sadness).   Over the years, I have carried my camera along on vacations and hikes and slowly the camera has become something that is more fun for me.  I think it's time to get back to photography.  My skill level with different settings has all but disappeared.  I'm hoping that it will come back quickly!  But I have been having fun the last few days with my camera!

I have toyed with trying to do a photo a day project, where I take one picture every day.  I did that years ago and actually managed to take a picture a day for two or three years.  I loved the process, but it got dull and boring some days to find something to photograph.  I work from home which makes my world during the week quite small.   I don't want something so restrictive.  I want to take a picture because I enjoy it, not because I NEED to!   So instead, maybe I will just aim to have a collection of good pics each month...no stressing on the number though.  

Reading Like Crazy

I never really lost reading.   I have never been far from a book, even in my darkest moments.  But sometimes in the hustle of life reading gets pushed on the back burner.  I love love love to read!  I always have and I don't want it to get shoved to the back burner.  I have recently decided to write a short review of each book I read.  I'm doing it for a few reasons.  Number one, because it keeps me writing (another thing I enjoy).  But secondly, it will also will give me a document that I can refer to when I can't remember if I read a book and/or what the book was about.  I am posting those on a different site but am toying with pulling them to this site and consolidating everything into one place!  I have been reading like crazy since I started this.  It is a nice way to wrap up the book, in my head at least.  

I just finished reading the book  Doctor Ice Pick which is a sobering read about the doctor who completed thousands of lobotomies across the country.  I've been reading a lot of non fiction lately but feel it may be time for a quick mindless fictional read! 

Simple but Tiring

I was walking through the yard the other day and realized that our mulberries trees are producing ripe berries.  I was not going to let that go to waste!  My father used to make a big deal about picking mulberries and eating them.  I honestly don't recall him taking them home, but it was always a topic of conversation when they were in season and I remember him eating them. So, it was with memories of my father that I took my bowls and containers outside and picked mulberries.  Of course I ate a few while I was out there. But I had grand plans for my berries.   I turned those berries into jelly and syrup!  I have lots of jars preserved!  It is so simple and basic but utterly rewarding.   It was also incredibly tiring.  My body was so tired! Wait, maybe I should say that I have about 30 jars of syrup and about the same amount of jelly.   So it wasn't just a single batch!  It was good honest fun!  And so tasty too!

Weight Loss

I am not forsaking my weight loss roots.  Being healthy is a different form of happiness.  Weight loss is still a big part of my life.  I have been struggling of late.  My weight has been in the same 3-5 pound range.  I know that while I'm not eating horribly that I could be doing a whole lot more. So today I got serious and dusted off my tracker.  Well, I virtually dusted it off.  I started putting my food into myfitnesspal.  I have been woefully lacking in consistency of late.  Tracking for me is the first step.   Baby steps.  I can do this!

Balance

So much of life is simply a balancing act.  Over the years, my focus and attention shifted to one aspect of life; creating an unhealthy balance.  It's time to bring it back into balance and focus on more of what makes me the happiest version of me.  So stay tuned, I will be continuing to share the ups and downs (hopefully more ups) of a weight loss journey.  However, I will also be sharing more of my other side.  My pets, my husband (what he will allow me to share), reading, photography, writing and a little bit of everything else.  

 

Badass or Big Buffoon

Monday marks seventeen and a half years that I have been writing about my efforts to lose weight.    Wow, just writing that makes me feel like an old timer!   I have had success but I have had a lot of failure, yet I continue to write.  Does that make me bad ass or a buffoon?  I mean, it could go both ways.  And how I feel about my weight loss journey vacillates between the two options.  

The Argument for Buffoon

 How many times have I restarted this weight loss journey? Yet I’m no closer to the end result.  I remain full of desire to lose this weight and regain a healthy life, yet I fail time and time again.  It is rather embarrassing to keep writing about failure after failure, yet the buffoon in me keeps writing about my downfalls and my defeats.  

Plans have been plentiful.  I will count all my habits and assign points to them.   I will follow a plan for intermittent fasting.    I will ride my bike 2022 miles in 2022. There is always a new plan to make myself healthy.  The fact that I have to come up with a new plan so frequently points to buffoon, because a new plan indicates that my previous umpteen plans have failed. 

The Argument for Badass

I honestly sometimes think that the sheer longevity of this blog is enough to make me badass.   The numerous posts show that I never gave up.   I haven’t let failures slow me down on my weight loss efforts.   I am not a failure, because I never quit…I’m badass.  

While there have been failures, I have also had successes!  I did manage to complete my 2021 miles in 2021, and I did it a few months early!  I have run 5k’s and 10k’s.   I have ridden a mountain bike on trails that terrify me!  I have had periods of high success with my efforts.  I’ve done amazing things! I have been a badass!

Badass or Buffoon

I guess the answer lies in my feelings on each individual day.  Some days I will wear the title of buffoon while I write about a failure once again.  But other days I will feel like a total badass as I conquer some trail, or challenge or see the scales showing me down a pound or two.   That is part of this rollercoaster journey of weight loss and I will just have embrace the feelings as they come, even while striving to ensure that there are more and more badass days and fewer buffoon days!

Confidence

​Even my dog senses my lack of confidence!   Seriously!    We have noticed differences in how Zoe reacts to each of us.   Jason sternly instructs her to stop or whatever and the dog meekly obeys.   I attempt to sternly instruct and she ignores me.   No, he hasn’t beaten her to put the fear of God into her or anything, she just chooses to ignore me sometimes.    I have learned that I have to literally get in her face, look her in the eye and make my voice as stern as possible to make her listen.   Yes, I know, Zoe is trying to exert her dominance….and my lack of self confidence makes it easy for her to win.   I don’t want an out of control dog, so I am having to force myself into a self confident being, at least when I am working with her.

Yes, I have known that while at one point that I have a self confidence issues.  Oh, I used to be somewhat confident and willing to try new things, put myself out there, walk with my head held high and all that.  But that confidence has wavered.  Ok, saying that it has wavered is putting it mildly.  It virtually became non existent.  Life just beat any self confidence straight out of me.   There was the great teaching debacle and the repetitive lackluster experiences in my career.    Then of course there was my  first marriage where my ex repeatedly showed me that I was worthless through his disregard for me.  (Isn’t that a nice way of putting it?).    I have had quite a few situations where people have worked to undermine any self confidence that I had managed to scrape together.  I have had numerous people put me down and constantly tell me that what I do is never good, I’m not enough, etc.  when possible I have actually purged those people from my life, sometimes it’s impossible.  And of course being obese sucks the confidence out of a person.

I know that the lack of confidence will grow when I lose weight.  It did before when I lost weight.  But in the meantime, how does one grow a self confidence?     It’s a vicious cycle, because I know that my lack of self confidence plays a part in my weight loss efforts.  It plays a huge part.   I’m constantly thinking, I can’t do it, it’s worthless to even try, I’m not worth the time, etc!   And that is the crux of the matter in my perpetual weight loss struggles of late.   Sure, temptations hit me (I’m talking to you cake) but if my self confidence and self worth were stronger it would make a huge difference in what choices I make.

I don’t have the answer….except to fake it until I make it.

Kick in the Teeth

​When life kicks you in the teeth it’s all about you you keep going.   I’ve written about something similar before when I have said , we can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.   This past year has been a living testament to that saying.  It has been one heck of a year!

This past week we celebrated the first year anniversary of owning our house.    I could only laugh because a year ago it was about 512 degrees outside while we were moving!  (Ok, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration.)  This year the weather was sunny and cool!  I would have loved to have had the cool weather last year, but we  persevered and did it.  (It was the longest move ever as we literally took 2 months to completely move out of our apartment …we finished up the day before our lease was up!). The year anniversary caused my mind to reflect and look at the last year and it’s challenges and victories.

The challenges started with the move to our new house and the unending mowing duties.  I was so tired and exhausted I. The first weeks that I would literally sit on the couch and cry. On more than one occasion I was too exhausted to eat, and for me that is very telling!  That was challenge number one.    The challenges grew harder with my mom’s stroke, the fear about possibly losing my job (twice), Jason’s run in with an axe, the worry about him and then the ensuing financial battle as he didn’t work for quite a few months. 

I would like to say that I handled everything with grace.  I would love to say that I accepted every challenge with a pep in my step and an ‘I will overcome’ attitude each time.    Some challenges I totally nailed!  I accepted them and allowed greatness to happen.  The exhaustion from the constant move and the unaccustomed hours of yard work I totally rocked!   Sure I cried from the sheer exhaustion, but I kept going. And something amazing happened.   The pain in my body started to fade!   I got stronger!  What was difficult turned easy!  I stayed positive and I became a better person!

Like I said though, some of the challenges I struggled with. I have battled with depressive feelings this year as I have worried about finances.  Hello, we were down a paycheck for about five months and for about 6 months the longevity of my paycheck was in question.  I wish I would have taken those challenges in hand a bit better. Luckily it wasn’t a total failure on how I faced those financial challenges.  I stressed and obsessed a lot.  It would be in waves…sometimes I would be a nervous wreck and at others I would be ‘we got this’.  And I know that I probably drove Jason mad with my worry at times. But for the most part I allowed my fears and worries to rule my thoughts and actions. What could have happened had I not let the stress rule my life?

My mom has faced the biggest  challenge of her life this last year.   Life kicked her in the teeth.  She has fallen apart.  Life is all about how you react to things that happen  and how you go on. My mom failed.   My mom has chosen, yes chosen to focus on the negative.  In her way of thinking, there is nothing positive in her life and she makes sure she lets me know.  Visits with her are tough.  The constant negativity toward everything is emotionally taxing.  Because as I said, my mom has chosen to wallow in her self pity.   She has not realized that this experience where she is totally out of her comfort zone could transform her mind and spirit into something magical.    

Our first year in our house was rough, really rough.  I hope that year two will be better!   But I know that at the very least I will be confronted with the residual effects of the previous year (financial for one as we dig out of those mo the of half our income…months that were expensive due to medical bills…even with insurance).   It won’t be comfortable for me.  It won’t be easy.  But I have decided to accept the discomfort with grace and a smile on my face.   When  I’m uncomfortable and chose to accept it with a smile and positive attitude I will experience the magical moments of life!  Bring on the magic!

Is this all I Know

Another week has flown by.  Where does time go?   It's been eventful yet stagnant, if that makes sense.   I am feeling mired down in my weight loss journey, feeling as if my life is defined only by this weight loss  journey.  Maybe it's time to look more deeply at those feelings!

Busy Week

Where has the last week gone.   I added a new post last week and then I blinked and here we are a week later!   I honestly think that that older I get, the faster time flies!  I feel as if I have no time for anything and that I'm always on the go!  But that is the way it goes, I guess!

So, my week, what to say?  It was crazy busy as always.    I didn't have a car for a few days as Jason's car was in the shop.   The main thing not having a car messed up was my visit (s) to see my mom.   We got the car back on Thursday evening so I was able to recommence with my visits to her so all is well.

I used my time after work wisely.  I have been trying to split that time down between spending time with Zoe and with yard work.  I feel somewhat successful for the last week as I was able to get a few hours of mowing done in the evenings before Jason came home.  

On Friday I had a day off work. I got the car back just in time for a busy crazy day.  I started at my normal time at 5AM.  The early morning proceeded as normal but at 7:30 I headed out to see my friend.  She had lots of plants to divide, and I was the lucky recipient!  It was so good to see her.  She is a friend that I made whilst doing Zumba and it has been ages since we have seen each other!   I was with her all morning and got home just in time to take Zoe out for a potty break and a bit of a playtime outside and feed her lunch.   I was back out the door by 12;15. I had a few stops in the afternoon and my brother and I spent some time getting an old riding lawn mower to a repair shop.  (Maybe, must maybe we will have a riding mower to help us for a season or two......which would cut down on that 8 hours of weekly mowing!).  I came home and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening planting!  

Saturday, started the errands and groceries and a visit to see momand it was a rainy day so no yard work.   Sunday was the clear day so we were outside working.   And before I knew it, I was back to Monday and heading to work.   It will be another busy week as I have mowing to finish today after work.  I have a few more plants to get into the ground.  And weeds.  I have so many weeds to pull!  And watering...new stuff and potted stuff needs watered.   Summer is here and with summer comes the outside work! I am also committed to training Zoe.  She is a nut case!  She gets so super excited that it is ridiculous.  I have been working on her training here and there.  But I have made a commitment to really focus on a few different trouble spots and really work!   (Wish me luck!)  Plus of course a few nights of visiting mom.  So, another busy week!

Weight Loss

Really? I have been eating pretty healthy.  My calorie count has been spot on, I have been eating lots of fruits and veggies.  I've been drinking water. Exercise?  I am exercising religiously every morning at 5:30AM!   And yet my weight is refusing to budge!  What is up?   I'm incredibly frustrated. I'm exceedingly angered.  I'm disappointed with myself.

Could I tighten the reigns a bit more? Yeah, I'm sure I could.  But what I'm already doing should be causing me to have weight loss.  Yet it's not!  

I am still dealing with a poison rash.   I swear, I get new patches of poison almost daily!  It's like a never-ending nightmare!  LUCKILY, the whole body experience is mostly behind me.  The bulk of the patches of poison that covered most of my body are just scaly and dry, which indicates to me that they are on the way out!  The new patches are usually small and relatively contained.  (The other day it was between two fingers.....today the new spot is on my neck).   Could my body fighting off this poison be affecting my weight?   That is my only theory...so I'm going with it!

Weight Loss is All I Know

I have been writing about weight loss for a lot of years.  Seriously, I started this website/blog way back in the early days of 2006.  I have written over 2500 posts.  (This is post 2546).  I have talked about weight loss a lot.  I have been utterly transparent about my journey and my struggles.  Years ago, I started to write a book about my weight loss and what I learned.  (I have pulled it out and I have been working on it...it's mostly in the edit stage with just a bit more writing to complete).  I had started to compile a collection of my diet-ventures.   It is a collection of stories about the crazy things that have happened to me in regard to this weight loss journey.  Weight loss has become my life.  It's who I am.

But shouldn't there be more to me?  Who am I without weight loss? When I think about writing, it usually tends to go toward weight loss. Years back I started a youtube channel.  It was ironically started as a mountain bike channel....yet my videos tended to sound more like weight loss videos.  Rather quickly the channel became a weight loss channel.  Why?   Because that is what I feel most comfortable with.  Over the last 17 years,  weight loss has become my life. 

But shouldn't there be more to me?  Do I want my identity to be "the girl whose life is weight loss"?    How do I expand and become more because weight loss is all I seem to know after so long.   

Ridiculous I tell ya!

​I sometimes think my life is straight out of some looney toon cartoon!  Expect the unexpected is what I need to start saying in relation to my life!   This last week has been exactly that!   Rashes, car breakdowns, rain,  x crazy dog, etc.   ok, the dog is a puppy…so she is supposed to be crazy!  But otherwise, life has been nuts!

Rainy Weather 

So let’s start with the weather.    It was overcast and rainy for about a week and a half.  When the sun would shine long enough to actually mow, I would be working!   We even had hail three times…that I know about! (Picture of hail on the front deck below)  So the grass was growing like crazy!    

Yes, I know.  Rain and fast growing grass is be expected in April and May!  Thankfully, this weekend we had some sunny weather and we were able to get out and mow.   The grass was so long that we had to go much slower.  So what can usually be done in a combined 7 hours took about 9.  Fun fun!   But hey, push mowing is good exercise right?

Around the house we also got a few things planted.  My father in law put up some shelves that had formerly been in their garage.  And he started to build me a counter to fit into the great abyss.  My washer and dryer sit at a right angle to each other …not side by side.   That leaves a corner of space that I can’t access or use in the Landry room.  It is annoying because it’s not only dead space, but I have dropped stuff back there and have to contort…or move a machine to extract it!  So I had a grand idea of putting up a table/counter back there.    It’s in the works!   It is half built at the moment..:but it’s on the way!   I also got a plan in my head for a rocky hill that sits along the road.  Right now it is all weedy and overgrown (and an eyesore).  I have a plan in my head for how to turn the eyesore into something that at least looks like we care…if not is pretty!

Car Breakdowns

It’s the old car…the one that Jason typically uses to commute to work.  Last year , the car was giving us a warning light..and then up and died on the side of a highway.  The alternator went out.   The mechanic that we went to had the car for like two months and well…we will NEVER go back there due to some other issues.  But hey, the car was running.  Or was it.  We actually didn’t drive that car much in the next 6-7 months as Jason was injured….(you can read about the axe accident here).    He went back to work in late February.  And by mid April he mentioned that the light was flickering again….intermittently.   We took it to our new mechanic…and they ran all sorts of tests.  Drove it.   Checked the alternator.  You name it.  Everything was good.  The mechanic was like, we can put in a new alternator if you want.   But the mechanic went on to say, ‘honestly, if it were my car I would run that one until it goes out…then put the new one in.   So that is what we did.   This morning the alternator went out while Jason was on his way to work. …like he is quite literally waiting for the tow truck as I write this.

Car problems …yuck!!!

Poison

Last fall we had been working on cleaning the brush piles and all the overgrowth by our shed.  It was going smashingly (until the aforementioned axe accident).   Except….I picked up poison!  That was in lots of places on my body.   Like really? How?   I would be in misery for about three weeks and have a week or so reprieve and then boom…I would contract it again.   For about three months.  Then it was gone….no more poison…and blew side mi the of peaceful skin!   Until two weeks ago…back in the same area.  I was so careful!  Long  pants.  Long sleeves.  Gloves.  I was cognizant of where I touched my body …keeping my hands away from my face, etc.  and I scrubbed down with strong soap afterward.    Three days later it began.   And it spread.  And spread.   I seriously have poison just about Al everywhere!   I kid you not!  I think my feet are the only thing not affected!   I seriously have poison underneath my bra!   How????   I’m counting the days until this bout is history!

Jason luckily, is immune.   So I have made my vow that I will not be helping to finish clear that area.  He is on his own!   We try not to use poison since we have animals, but we have caved because we need this poison gone!    

 Fun fun!

Points Challenge

I started my points challenge on May 1.   You can read about the points challenge plan here.   It is going well.  I am adding up my points.  I know that there is room for improvement.  But it has also opened ky eyes to a few ‘problem areas’.  For example.  The first day I only earned 2 points for fruits and veggies!   That’s horrible.  So I have been really making an effort to rebuild the habit of lots of fresh fruits and veggies!  

So it’s working to help me bring awareness to what I’m doing on a variety of different levels!

Weigh In

So I restarted and got more focused on my health at the beginning of may.  I started my challenge.  I have been wracking up points.  How am I doing?

I have  no real clue.  I have hopped onto the scales once or twice.  However, I haven’t really paid attention to the numbers or what is happening.  Why?  I’m fighting a mammoth case of poison.  I am full of potions and lotions.   Medicine messes up and skews the numbers on the scale.  So I am just staying the course…the weight will drop and when this poison is behind me and my body can go back to normal, then I will find my weight!  Until then, carry on business as usual!

Emotions

I am battling some serious emotions and feelings.   This last  year had been wave after wave of depressive feelings.  It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions.  It’s been extremely difficult.  I feel like I’m pulling out of it and then I get kicked in the teeth again.   (Or at least it feels that way). I know that my emotional state affects my weight loss efforts.  And the reduced weight loss just plays into those emotions exacerbating some of the stuff that I am already feeling.  It’s just difficult!   I’m fighting it though.  I’m fighting the urge to just let myself sink into a depression. I’m gonna make it.

So that is the update on my crazy life.  I’m fighting for my mental health and my physical health!   I’m determined to win!

Love or Fear

I recently heard someone make a comment about fear or love.  It really made me think!   What was the comment? We make decisions based on one of two reasons.  Fear or love.  

People gravitate toward love…it’s the trait that draws people in.  It’s the trait that we need for ourselves to draw ourselves in and make us successful.  But I many times make choices based on fear.  

I can see how when I was making big choices out of fear how it drew people into my life that were predators.   People that used me.  People that had their own agenda and needed someone driven by fear so that they could fulfill whatever they were trying to do in life.  (Subconsciously or otherwise).    Over and over this happened.  I got married the first time based on fear.  Fear that I would never know love…never have a family and that I would be alone forever.    And look how that turned out.  (Divorced).   I had friends that gravitated to me…friends (or not so  much friends it turned out) that were more intent on their agenda and they needed someone that was making choices on fear…..because it gave them power.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that when I was divorced and in the dating arena that I was meeting straight up idiots.  I was making choices based on fear.   And it shouldn’t shock me that when I finally got the self confidence to make choices based on love, not love for another person, but love for myself that I met an amazing man…one that I now call husband. I wrote about the following  revelation in my book Frog or Prince (you can purchase it here) 

 

The real revelation though?  I wasn't until I stood up for myself and accepted myself as a single confident lady that I was ready to move on with my life.  It wasn't until I did the unheard of things.  I purged friendships that weren't healthy.  I found happiness in single life.  I stood up for myself with a bunch of dating losers.  I went on two vacations by myself.  (Vacationing by oneself invokes pity by almost everyone...but really isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.)  It is coincidence that I met Jason right as I made that discovery I had purged the people and booked the vacations and almost immediately we started to talk......I don't think it's coincidental at all.  I had to heal and make that major discovery so that I could go into a true loving relationship with a man while at peace and in love with myself.

But somehow, over the last years, I slipped back into the Maryfran of old.  That confidence that I found when I met Jason slipped away.  And I started making choices based on fear again.   My self confidence has taken another downward dip….and many of my choices are being made out of fear.

 

I’m not losing weight because I love myself.  I have been trying to lose weight because I’m afraid of the future if I don’t!    I have written on this blog so many times that the weight didn’t come off the first time until I learned to love myself.   I am worth it.   I am worth every ounce of time and energy it takes to make me even more awesome than I already am.  (And I need to start believing that I am awesome!) I am deserving of being the person that I want to be!

It’s time to love myself again!

 

My dog obviously loves me!

 

Plans for May

 April is almost done and I really have nothing good to say about it!   Well, at least in terms of my weight loss!  There were some good things that happened in April...just not with my weight loss efforts!

The Good

We have been able to start getting out and working on the yard again!   The property we bought was rented for quite a few years. Renters didn't do anything to better the property.  In fact, when tree limbs dropped, they must have apparently just pushed them into the closest flower bed.....and they stacked up.  There were rocks scattered everywhere...in flower beds, under trees, you name it  Rocks, we have a plenty!   We can envision the yard when it is back into great shape, but we also are realistic enough to know that it will take years for us to have the time (and money) to do what we want.  So last year we reclaimed one or two flower beds....and just maintained.  This year we plan on reclaiming a bit more and maintaining everything.   As we are reclaiming, we are trying to planT perennials.  It's more expensive now, but in the long run will save us so much time and money to not have to replant....to just maintain with some mulch some pruning/dividing and a little bit of weed pulling.  As spring rolled around, we started to work outside again.  It is very satisfying to see a brush pile shrink!    We fixed the back steps that were in dire need of help.  We enjoyed the time with each other...and our pets!   It wasn't a bad month.

The Bad

So the bad comes into play when I got a stomach bug.   I rolled into April strong!  I was exercising heavily.  I was drinking lots of water.  I was tracking every bite and eating within the confines of my set plan.  I was killing it!  Well, I was killing it for the first 2 days!   And then I picked up a stomach bug!   The bug threw me off my healthy lifestyle. I fell apart on almost every aspect of my healthy habits.  Water....what's that?  Tracking.......yeah right?   The ONLY thing I continued was my daily exercise.  I of course didn't exercise the week I was sick.  But the following week I was back at it religiously!  But everything else was a bust!

I ended the month at almost exactly the same weight that I started the month!   Disappointing....but I also know that's a miracle in itself!

The Plan

I had started the month of April with a plan.  A challenge for myself.  I was so excited about it.  It was a points value system for myself to compete against myself with.   Every day I would earn points.  Everything I did that was healthy would earn me a point..or more.   Every day, I would just need to better my number..compete against my previous day!   Compete against my previous week.   Compete against myself to keep earning more and more points. (the original post can be found here)

I am planning to restart this challenge and I'm excited about it for sure!

So the points system...

Weight - I earn one point for any loss or maintain on my weekly weigh in day. (only one point per week)

Track -  I can earn one point per day - just for tracking my food and my efforts

On track eating - I can earn one point per day for eating within the confines of my set eating plan

Water -  Every 10 ounces of water I drink I will earn 1 point.  If I have a "bad day" and only drink 20 ounces....it's not a failure because I still earn 2 points.  But the days that I drink 70 ounces....well, I earn 7.  (drinking water is easy points!)

Fruit and Veggies -   Quite simply I can earn one point for every fruit or vegetable that I eat.   Once again, I am celebrating the ONE serving I ate if that's all I ate.  But I am killing it with lots of points if I eat 6 servings!

Exercise-  I will earn 1 point for every 10 minutes of  cardio or strength exercise I do.  

Steps -  I will earn 1 point for every 1000 steps I take.

Yoga - (A new addition this month) - I can earn 1 point for a yoga session!  

We will always round down.  If I drink 59 ounces of water, it rounds down to 50 and I only earn 5 points....this should encourage me to take that extra sip of water to throw myself over the next milestone.  If I take 9800 steps, it rounds down to 9000 so 9 points. once again, by rounding down I should be encouraged to take a few more steps to get to the next milestone/point!

I'm ready to kick this weight in the teeth and knock it far far away!   April was a rough month, but I can make May amazing!

OUCH

​I am sore!    Is it sympathy pains or is it real soreness!  I don’t know but I’m cranking up the yoga!! 

Jason has been struggling with a shoulder pain that extends down his arm a bit.  He has been miserable.  It seems to be slowly getting better…but it’s been a long haul for him.   I swear, the guy can’t get a break.  First his foot and the great axe accident in October that brought mo the of pain and now this.  I knew it was bad when he said ‘I’m going to urgent care’.  He has a huge aversion to doctors!   So I’ve been worried about that.  But in the midst of talking to him he mentioned pinched nerve and I was like ‘oh, remember when I got that and it totally messed up my arm?’.    The urgent care told me it was a pinched nerve.  I struggled with it for a while and found that the best ‘medicine’ wasn’t medicine at all but movement…specifically yoga is what helped!   I did yoga religiously for a while…but then slipped up and stopped doing it quite so regularly.  So I recommended yoga to him. I’m 

The problem started a few days later when my arm started acting up….reminiscent of that pinched nerve pain.  Really?   I didn’t even want to mention it because it feels like I was trying to be an attention whore!   But honestly….I was struggling.  So I took my own advice and started doing yoga!

Then a few days later my trapezius muscle on the OTHER side of my back started to tighten up!  I had issues with that in the past also!   In the past the medical professionals had told me that I had a seized muscle in my back.  That pain was now back.   Really?  What is happening to me?

So I honestly half way have wondered if I am having sympathy pains.  But then again, I know that it’s real pain.   What sparked it?  It could be trying to corral a 70 pound puppy.  It could be the immense day of yard work that I completed last weekend….which included moving a huge pile of rocks!  Maybe I just slept wrong!   But it doesn’t matter…my upper back is sore!   (Ironically enough it used to always be my lower back that got me….it has moved upward with age!).   So I am still doing my normal exercise stuff…but cutting down the time a bit so that I can fit in a 10 minute quickly yoga session for shoulders neck and upper back!    Fingers crossed that it will help me…and fast!

Diving Deep into the Why

I've been on a roller coaster in terms of my weight loss the last few weeks.  It has caused me to step back and I spent some time this week in deep thought.   Why do I self sabotage.  What is wrong with me that I can go from being so super excited one minute to shoveling food into my mouth the next minute?   There has to be some underlying issue.  What in the world?

So let me recap what has been happening.  I got a stomach bug which was no fun at all!  However, I managed to lose  pounds through that time and I was loving that! (You can read about that here.)   I was determined to get right back to my tracking and exercise and use the 5 pounds as a spring board to a fantastic loss for the month of April.  I actually spent the first day of my planpreparing and doing great!   That lasted one day before I totally fell apart.  I totally self sabotaged myself. (You can read about that, .here) 

I would love to say that I wrote that last post about self sabotage and turned things right around.  However, to say that would be a huge lie!   I struggled.  OK, let me give credit where credit is due,   I actually had one aspect that I didn't struggle with.   I exercised!   The first day was a bit lower  intensity (but Mondays usually are).   But I got right back into my exercise routine and for that I am proud.   However weight is not lost in the gym...it's lost in the kitchen.   And in the kitchen, I failed big time.  

In the past I would aways just say "I self sabotaged and move on.  But for some unknown reason this time I sat back and really started to think about what is wrong in my thought process that makes me subconsciously self sabotage my efforts.  

My first thought was the relationship I have that is a bit negative.  Of course my mind went there first. I touched on it a bit in this post.   Afterall, that, jealousy over what I did have,  and their own misery that they had at that point deeply buried within themselves.  Sure, the comments hurt, a lot.  But I was able to see that the comments really didn't start until I was in my late  teens, ramped up as I become an adult and really escalated when this persons life fell apart (about 5 years ago).    My weight issues began long before the negativity began and growing up with this person was actually full of love. (Even in the throes of the negativity, I know this person loves me.)   So if that wasn't it, what was it?

Was it my fear of failure? I touched on it in a recent post, but I have talked about it many times over the years.  I am afraid of failing.  I am afraid to reach out and grab my goals and dreams.  Why would I be afraid of losing weight?   I wear my fat as a coat of armor around myself.  I don't have success with some aspect of life....well then it must be because I'm fat!   I didn't get a job years back....and while I STILL feel that a large part of it was due to my weight , I know that I have used my weight as my excuse was to why I didn't get it. Instead of looking at realistically and with clear eyes, I blame my weight.  It's easier to blame my weight than it is to blame myself.  Once again, I'm sure that this has a bit to do with my self sabotage but again, this started in adulthood.  I once was fearless and confident and ready to face the world head on.......even though I was a fat woman.  So nope, the weight issues predated that.   So Back to the drawing board I went with a determination to try to figure this mystery out.

I pondered, I thought, I prayed.  I want to get to the bottom of this and fix myself from the inside out.  All week long I was thinking.  I kept coming up blank.  But throughout the week I started to think about friends from my childhood.  I'm sure some of it was triggered by the 'walk through the past' that I do with my mom when I visit her. (I pick a house that we lived in...or a church we attended...or a vacation.....and I dredge up memories and talk about them with mom.  Some days she is out of it and can not remember any of her own to share...but some days she jumps in and shares her own memories....which I LOVE.)    As memories surfaced in my head throughout the week I had a few fleeting nolstagic moments where I longingly thought about times where I was surrounded by friends, but I moved on.  It wasn't until about 203 days ago that it hit me......and once the realization came to me, it all made sense.....

I am an extrovert living an introvert life.....and I use food to fill the void.  

So let me go back to the beginning.  We lived in Johnstown (PA) and I had been in school with the same people for years.  I knew everyone.  I had friends at school that I spent time with in and out of school.  My dad's church had kids my age that I spent time with at church and out of church.  The neightborhood had lots of kids...so I spent a lot of time outside playing with people.  I was a healthy  (if not dainty) sized gal.  When I was 12 years old my family relocated to Brooksville (FL).  In one fell swoop I becamse the new person in school.  The outcast in a sea of people that had been friends since they were 5 years old.  Sure I made friends, but my friend base was very small....1 or 2 people. (I actually was friendly with everyone and had no enemies.  I could talk to anyone..but I remained on the outskirts of every social group...never really breaking in and making a lot of friends.  The church that my father ministered at was small and there wasn't really anyone my age.   As for people my age in the neighborhood, that didn't happen either.  I was cut adrift.   

 We moved north when I graduated from high school.  I ended up attending a Junior College which in my experience was not conducive to making friends. It was a continuation of high school for most people my age.  They were there with their lifelong friends.   The older people were already entrenched in their own lives.  Once again, I was friendly with everyone but it was an acquaintance style interaction.   My dad's church once again had no one my age...I was in this limbo age...the closest single person being 10 years younger and about 8 years old.  (I got some great babysitting gigs though!)    I transferred to a four year college for my  forged two years earlier.  But I fell into a good group of people and once again lived a life full of friendships and I loved it.

Graduation occured and I ended up back in the area where my parents lived.....with no friends.  Through my adult years things ebbed and waned in terms of friends.  I would make one or two friends at a time but then life would pull us in different directions.....and I would go back to being alone with few friends.  Right before the demise of my first marriage I had friends galore......it was awesome.  But then a divorce and change of circumstances and I was again left with very few friends.  

And that is the root of my problems.  As I said earlier, I'm an extrovert living an introvert lifestyle.  Once I realized that, it all made sense.  I was healthy sized until we went to Florida....and then I lost weight.  I turned to food as my friend when I had none and I gained weight.   

Most people go to college and GAIN weight .  I went to college for my Junior and Senior years and guess what?  I LOST weight.  I lost a fair amount of weight.  I don't know the actual amount of weight I lost, but I know that when I graduated that I was 2 sizes smaller! Coincidence?  

Before the demise of my first marriage I had lots of friends (some ended up not being friends....but that's a whole different story).  I was at my lowest weight!  

Over and over, I was able to see that when I was living a life full of friends I consistently weighed a lot less.  It's the periods where I am not surrounded by friends and people that I find myself weighing a lot more.   I fill the void with food.

I honestly don't know how to fix the problem.  Making more friends would be the most obvious.  hahaha.   But seriously.  I don't know for sure that this is the problem...but it all makes sense.  maybe just knowing why I"m eating will help me control it!  

And yes.....just writing this out makes me feel lame and sad.  But hey, this has never been a place that I hold back and don't express my totally honest feelings and findings.  

I sabotaged Myself

​I self sabotaged and I'm so disappointed in myself!  Why do I do these things?

In my last post I was so excited because I actually had lost 5 Pounds.  True, it was due to a stomach bug.  But seriously, I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth!   I was pumped because I was determined that I was going to make sure that I didn’t gain that hard won weight back!  I had a plan!  I planned my weekend and I was ready to see it through.   

I took a day off on Friday so that I could clean the house and get everything in line.  I was on the go all day!  I implemented my plan.  I prepared the food that I needed and I was doing great!   I was exhausted by the end of the day because I was literally on the go from 5AM until 7PM!    Zoe stayed in step with me all day…she was one tired puppy!

Saturday is where it went downhill.  I started the day with heading down the road to see my mom.  I started early and had my water with me.  I do intermittent fasting so I SHOULD have been good until I got home at 12-1!  I ran a few errands on the way there and I couldn’t get food out of my mind!   I wanted food….junk food!   Yeah, I ended up getting a McDonald’s breakfast meal.  (Bacon egg cheese bagel).   First of all…there was no way I was really hungry!  Second of all…McDonald’s?     In my mind I was thinking,  ‘all is not lost, I can not eat lunch and I’ll make up the difference’.  Ha!  Famous last words!   I ate lunch when I got home.  Of course I did!   Dinner was Five guys.  Seriously, one burger is my full daily allotment of calories!   Ohhh. And that healthy snack that I had prepared…it went out the window when we ended up picking up a cake from the store.  Of course I had cake!     Saturday was a bust!

Sunday was Easter.   I nibbled in the morning while I prepped.  I ate a full lunch.   And I was honestly stuffed when I was done.  I wasn’t hungry for dinner.  But did that stop me from having a ham salad sandwich and a piece of cake?  Of course it didn’t!

  What is wrong with me????

The weekend was tiring!  I was on the go for pretty much every second …from sun up on Friday until sundown on Sunday.   I’m telling you…the pup mirrored my energy!

It’s Monday morning.  I recommenced exercise after my week off due to being sick.   My exercise and energy was totally lackluster.  I know it!  Mondays are typically more rough…so I’m not panicked.  

I have to tally up points for the first week of April for my points challenge.    It was definitely NOT the week I envisioned when I planned my challenge.  But that’s ok.  I wanted to plan a challenge that would allow me to compete against myself and NEVER feel like a failure!  Beating last weeks number SHOULD be easy this week!!!

I wouldn’t recommend It

​I inadvertently tried a new weight loss plan this week!   It was quite successful!  However, I wouldn’t recommend it in the slightest!

I actually lost about 5 pounds this week!   Fantastic right?   I’ll take it!  And I’m doing my best to ensure that the weight loss remains and was not some fluke!   But let me tell you, I don’t want to follow that weight loss method again anytime soon!

What was my method?  I had a stomach bug.  Yes, I was sick.  The stomach ailment lingered too.  I got sick on Sunday.  Monday was really rough.  I tried to start eating on Tuesday…and managed to eat some toast.  A banana.  I think I managed all of three to four hundred calories.  Wednesday I think I ate all of 700 calories!    I am back to  normal eating…but still don’t feel quite right after eating….which is keeping my portions small.   I’ll take it!  Maybe it will help me get my portion sizes under control!  

So what havoc did the stomach bug wreak on my project 50 challenge?  I honestly thought about the challenge, but had no energy or gumption to do anything about it.   Some of the habits carried over.  Even though it wasn’t a lot, I actually tracked what I ate.  But other habits, went up in smoke.  I mean, there was no way I was exercising. I struggled to even get Zoe out to potty on some days!   I am not worried about it.   I’m working toward health and wellness….and being well sometimes means stepping back for a few days…or a week, and allowing your body to heal!   

What does this mean for my points challenge that was set to start on the first?   I am still counting my points.  That is the beauty of the points system.  I still did some things…just not as much as I would have normally done. But do you know what?  Those points I did earn are my most proud ones!!  The points system recognizes effort. I still lose…there is one point.  I still tracked every day.  There is a point.   I ate some bananas.  Point point point.  I did get some steps.  I mean, the first day I made it back to three thousand steps…that was a victory!   I earned those three points that day!   

So all is not lost.   It was a week of recovery.  I’m planning on diving in hard this next week!!!

Adding a new challenge

I’ve got a new plan!   I know, I’ve written about a new plan a gazillion times!  That means that my plans don’t always work…but I’m still out here trying….so that is what matters!

It’s no secret that I’ve been struggling!  Seriously, I wrote about it last week when I somehow managed a maintain for my weigh in! I would love to say that things got better this week.   But I continued to struggle!  I seem to lack motivation and willpower.   The sad thing is that I KNOW that I lack it but I just can’t seem to get my act together.   So I’m true Maryfran fashion I sat back and tried to think about when I was super motivated and full of willpower.  If I can figure out what was so magical back in those times maybe I can recreate it!

The first thing that comes to mind was when I was attending weight watchers meetings.  Those meetings kept me straight!  The meeting and my weigh in were always looking in front of me and it kept me on point and motivated.  The meetings and camaraderie with the other attendees was so inspiring.   The meetings Bolstered my willpower week in and week out.  Unfortunately meetings aren’t in the cards for me right now.  WW has closed most in person meetings.   There is exactly ONE that I could possible make it to…and that would be a stretch.   Plus, money is tight right now as we try to recover from Jasons’s unexpected ‘holiday’ from work as he recovered from his encounter with an axe. (Read about it here.). So paying the extra for in person meetings is doable but not wise considering the meetings would be hit or miss anyway.  On top of that, I am questioning Weight Watchers and their current beliefs and current system.  But that is a post for another day. (I promise I’ll write about it!!). So at this point weight watchers is not the magic for me.

I then started to think about the weight loss challenges that I have been a participant in.   Honestly, I was never the winner of any of the competitions.  (I am pretty sure one was rigged….I even had some other people tell me that it was fishy…but that’s another different story.  Hahaha).  But the act of being in the competition was good for me.   I work well competitively!   I also loved the competitions that I was in because they included lots of emails, lots of chats, lots of real time interaction.   That was good for me!   So hmmm, maybe could look into a challenge.    I’m where do I find a challenge?   I started on MyFitnessPal.   I looked at their challenges.  And some seemed really good.  But they don’t seem to offer the interaction that I need.  I looked at DietBet.  Bit once again the money thing…and also the interaction in the one that I did was lacking.  Another bust.     Then I stumbled upon doing my own challenge!   I was excited!  but how to pull it off?   I am working on it in my mind!     I know that it will be a point system.  And I know that weight loss is important but being healthier is even more important.  So it will incorporate earning points for healthy things.     I am fine tuning and plan to test drive the point system.  But here is what I have right now:

Weight loss.  This is worth one point each week.  If I  lose OR Maintain my weight I can earn a point.

Tracking-   For me this means tracking my food and my points.  And it is worth one point each day.

Keep my eating on track-   For me I aim for a certain calorie count (points) .  If I keep it within 200 calories I will consider it a win…and I will warn one point.

Fruits and veggies-   Every serving I eat is worth one point.

Exercise/activity-  here is where the points can start to be wracked up like crazy.    Every 10 minutes of exercise will earn one point.   The trick is that I will ALWAYS round down.  If I exercise 19 minutes it will only be 1 point.  If I push through for that extra minute then I have reached 20 minutes and I can earn two points.  The sky is the limit.  10 minutes of walking…1 point.   20 minutes exercise class…2 points.   These points are stackable…earn as many as possible.  It also doesn’t matter what I do.  An exercise class/video.  Awesome.   Push mowing…we’ll that counts just as much!  Activity is good!

Steps-  I have pondered the aspect of giving points for steps.  But ultimately decided to do so.  This will take into account that day that I am exercising and run out of time…at 38 minutes.   I would only get 3 points since I round down…BUT; I can still earn points for the movement through my steps!     So for points, there will be one point for each 1000 steps!    Once again…rounding down.   If I’m getting ready to go to bed and see that I am at 9900 steps, that is only 9 points.  If I ante up another 100 steps (in that situation) I would earn 10 points.   Once again…rounding down will hopefully push me to get those extra steps!

Last but not least, I have water-   1 point for every 10 ounces of water.  Rounding down.  It doesn’t matter if I am nobly a sip’ away from 10…if it is less than 10 I don’t earn that point’

This plan requires total honestly from me.  I’m ok with that.  If I cheat, I am only cheating myself!!!   The emphasis is on living a healthy life and not the weight loss.   Weight loss is definitely a goal….but being healthy is the ultimate goal.

I haven’t given up on my project 50.   That is still going strong!   I’m just incorporating a bit of excitement into my life.

As I said, I’m thinking about offering a challenge…I will ante up a prize for the winner.   But for this test period my goal is to continually better my numbers!   I do want to throw out a personal reward though.   I calculated it up.  If do everything perfectly.  Exercise 60 minutes a day….have 8k steps, 5 fruits and veggies I should earn roughly 185 points a week…roughly 750 a month.    That is perfection.   I would love perfection…but that is not realistic.  I am going to aim for 150 points each week.  If I can do that…then I will reward myself at the end of the month….not sure with what…yet.  But Mmmm and it won’t be a lot…or anything big.  

So let’s get this moving!!!   If you want to join in…let me know and you can test it out with me!

I couldn’t do it

​how many posts have I started with ‘another crazy week’?  I honestly think I need to go back and count!  It seems as if life is just nuts and doesn’t slow down!

I’ve been a bit stressed of late.  Zoe just turned 6 months old this mi th and she has decided to exert her stubborn will…..on me!    On no, she is an Angel (mostly) for Jason.  With me she is a little hellion!  I turn my back and she has her nose pressed against the bird cage.  I look the other way and she is digging into the recycle bin and shredding cardboard.  Running like a fool on the leash. It’s like every which way it’s something.  Worst of all is our forays outside.  She goes out happily enough.   But when it’s time to come in.  No dice!

So let me explain.  I have her all day …I take her out for her first potty at 5am while Jason is in the shower.  I have no issues with her coming in because she wants her breakfast.   Jaosn leaves at 6:3 and we are fine.  I take her out at about 7:30 and we roll around in the yard for about thirty minutes before I start work.   Once work starts I have very limited time that I can be away from my desk (yes it is monitored).  I get two 15 minute breaks and a 30 minute lunch.  I set an alarm for 13 minutes so I know that my time is about up and to get back to my desk (it was 14 but with Zoe I changed it to 13 in case I am outside).  Zoe was doing fantastic.   She would hear the alarm and immediately turn and walk toward the back door zzz. All was going smashingly well.  Until it didnt.   At the end of last week Zoe decided to start ignoring the alarm and ignoring me.   That alone is bad.  But she also would lay down in the yard and refuse to move.  70 pounds of dead weight!  I was back late from every break and lunch for 4 days.  I was so stressed!   I tried everything and ended up dragging her or carrying her.  On Monday I was dragging her into the house and she slipped her collar.  Luckily she was being stubborn and just laid there and didn’t realize she was free!   I started putting the harness on her every time we went out.   That worked a bit better because the harness has a handle and I literally pick her up and walk dragging her.  She usually starts reluctantly walking when she is in the walking position.  Silly dog…but the being late stresses me out big time!

I’ve also been stressed out over this project 50 thing that I started on March 1.   In particular the stress comes from the learning a new skill.  I chose to learn to knit.   I hate it!  It’s been a chore each and every time I go to pick up the knitting needles!   I dread it.  The time goes so incredibly slow.  I find no enjoyment from it!  I have been pushing through…because maybe I don’t like it because I’m not good at it!   Maybe I just need to knit enough to get me over that barrier and then I will love it! So I have continued on.   This week I came to the conclusion that putting myself through misery is NOT worth it.  Would I have ever learned to live kitting.  Maybe.  But probably not because I abhorred every minute of it!  I instead pulled out my long neglected quilt and started to work on it and loved it!  I had the time of my life.  The time flew!  

Is it a failure? Maybe.  But I’m looking at it as a victory.  I am listening to my mind and my body and doing something to make me happy!

Somehow and Someway

​Somehow and someway I did it!  

Last week was a total struggle!  I let the stress get to me and my Saturday was an absolutely disaster!  I didn’t let the total disaster spread through the whole week, but I totally struggled with getting back to being totally on plan!    I was within my points/calories the rest of the week but my choices were just…lacking!

So I was so afraid to step on the scales on  Friday. Some ask me how but I managed a maintain!  I’ll take it!

On Saturday I woke up and I the shower I was all strong. I was saying things like ‘yeah, I’ve got this.  Today is going to be a strong Saturday.  No breaking my fast early.  No fast food.   No crazy high caloric dinner.  In fact, I don’t even need dessert tonight!  I was so stinkin’ strong it was ridiculous!

I actually had a brief moment of coming on here and making my declaration!  But I didn’t …obviously!   I left the house to head to my mom’s.    I’m telling you…I was so super strong!    

That strength lasted maybe a mile.  I didn’t make it past the first tempting place!  I stopped at the first place that served breakfast….a convenience store!  (Sheetz if you are in the mid Atlantic region and know which store broke my willpower…..and honestly they have pretty tasty breakfast sandwiches that are made to order).  

I’m embarrassed to say that my Saturday was the exact same as the week before.  We even went back and had the exact same stinkin’ dinner!  (Which was also tasty!). Why do I do this to myself?????

Struggling

 I am totally struggling! I had a fantastic time last week in regards to my weight loss journey and now it seems to have totally slipped away into this big messy pile!

It started on Saturday morning.  I woke up and I just felt the heavy weight on me.  I was going to visit my mom.  I was expecting the visit to be a really rough one based on how she was on Friday night when I had talked to her and when my brother had talked to her.  I was not looking forward to going.  I got myself ready and headed out the door early. Sitting and worrying about what the visit may hold was not going to do me any good.  I didn't eat anything before I left...of course not; I am doing the 16:8 intermittent fasting plan.  So I wouldn't be due to break my fast until lunch time.   I was driving down the road and trying to psych myself up for the visit and all I could think about was food.   Food has always been my comfort and I wanted some that morning.  I got off the interstate halfway there and picked up a fast-food breakfast.  Not Healthy.  Not in keeping with my Intermittent Fasting plan.  NOT something I even needed.  That was purely me giving in to my food addiction.

It didn't end there.  I got home and I ate lunch.  And when Jason mentioned Cheeseburgers I was like "lets go to Five Guys".  I didn't get the mini cheeseburger.  I got the double patty one.  I also didn't forego the french fries.  No siree.  I ate French fries also.  My ww points were like 77 for the day ....calories were about 2200.  CRAZY

Sunday I did a bit better.  I didn't break my fast until the proper time.  I didn't cave and eat fast food.  I did indulge a bit too much.  But in the grand scheme I did better!

Monday I fell apart in other ways.  First of all, my glasses fell apart!  I have NEVER broken a pair of glasses.  I literally picked them up and the arm fell off.  Looking at the, not sure that they can be fixed...although I will try!  I didn't get any reading in...and I didn't get any knitting done.  So I totally messed up my Project 50 for the day.     I will say that reading is difficult with an old pair of glasses that are only for nearsighted and do not have the progressive lenses.  I have had a low grade headache since wearing the old glasses.    BUT, that really is just an excuse.  So I will be reading today no matter wht happens with my old glasses.  THe knitting....I have 40 minutes of kitting completed for the week.  I need 2 hours.  So i have 1 hour and 20 minutes left to finish ....by midnight tonight!   I'm gonna try!

I'm not out for the count.  But I've really struggled these last few days!   

And just because...here is a picture of Zoe!

You win Some You Lose Some

 You win some you lose some.  That is how life goes sometimes.  That is definitely the way it goes within a weight loss journey!   This week was a not so much a win on the scale!

I had a great week.  I stayed the course.  I did what I was supposed to do.  I exercised.  I tracked.  I drank my water....all except for ONE day.  I had a great week!  In fact, in my daily weigh ins, my weight was going down!  On Thursday, the day before my official weigh in I was showing down by 2 pounds! I was confident that I was going to knock the weight off the charts for my official weigh in!

But remember when I said I didn't drink enough water on ONE day?  That day happened to be on Thursday....the day before my weigh in.  I didn't realize it until late at night....too late to recoup!   And honestly, downing a ton of water right before you go to bed is NOT wise....not if you want to sleep the whole night through at least!   In fairness, my water consumption was about 55 ounces.  So not too far off from my minimum....but about 25-30 ounces from my normal consumption!  So that was the first strike against me in terms of a great weigh in.   The second issue?  We had bacon and eggs last night for dinner.  Oh my word, that bacon was scrumptious!   But I knew at my very first bite that it was going to haunt me!  This pack of bacon was so extremely salty!  Salt does it to me.  I will retain water like crazy!  I knew it last night!  I knew it this morning when I woke up and my mouth was dry.  I said to myself "this is NOT going to go well on the scales".   And yes, I know that it is not a TRUE weight gain...but it is still yucky to see the scales go up!

I actually thought about NOT weighing myself this morning!  Just avoid the scales all together!  No need to even see the weight!  But I have been doing so good with my religious tracking and I didn't want to mess up my perfect streak.  I have also always had this belief that it is better to face the awful truth.  I always think that if I don't weigh in because I feel/know that my number is going to be bad, then I am in the dark.  I don't know where I am.  The theory that people use to skip weigh ins is that they don't want to face the disappointment and they can 'get the weight off before my next weigh in".  That is a great theory.  But I would rather face the truth on the week that I expect it versus a following week when I am on track and I weigh myself and still see my weight up (because I haven't lost all the 'bad week' pounds).  Ok, I am not explaining this well.....maybe I'm just too tired.  But if I have a bad week and weigh in and see a 5 pound gain....yes I will be disappointed but I expect it and can look at my actions from the previous week to account for the gain. And then the following week I can see how much I actually recouped from my gain...if I lose all 5 pounds...awesome.  If I only lose 2 of the five pounds, I can still look at my week and see how successful I was.  I fear that if I don't weigh in that I will have gained 5 pounds and have no clue that it was five...so the next week when I work my tail end off and lose a fabulous amount of 3 pounds (or whatever) it will STILL show me gaining weight and that  I would be totally demoralized to work hard but show a gain!   Even though the gain actually was because I didn't face the music at the right time!

Ok, I totally messed up that explanation!  SO, let's just get to my weigh in.   On Thursday I was showing two pounds down.   On Friday my official weigh in, I was showing only 0.4 pounds down .   Sure, that's disappointing, but I know what happened!   You win some...you lose some!

So I am drinking up!  (Water of course!)

I am so glad that the weekend is here. It is shaping up to be another crazy busy weekend. I have so much to do that it's ridiculous!  But that's ok.  Hopefully we will be able to get Zoey out again for some trips away.... trying to get her used to being in public without acting the fool1  (Let me tell you, taking a 60 pound puppy somewhere and then trying to contain her when she gets over-excited is a workout!) One of the trips last weekend had me sweating like I had just run a half marathon!   But hey, I was still smiling!  (Don't believe it for a second...she looks innocent in this picture but she had just been giving me a run for my money minutes earlier!)