How many times have I said "I will start tomorrow" or I will start on Monday, the first of the month, after vacation or any point somewhere in the future. Let me just tell you, umpteen times. I'm not even sure I can count that high! It's seriously been a lot. And let me tell you, tomorrow rarely comes.
I have been struggling. I have been struggling big time with my weight. In my delusional mind I have thought that it was hidden. But seriously, a girl can't hide the fact that she has gained 100 pounds. Yes, I did say 100. In fairness, I rounded up. It's not quite a hundred. And also in full transparency, I haven't gained a hundred pounds this year....or even in the past five or ten years. But I am 'almost' 100 pounds up from where I was when I became a weight watchers lifetime member. That 100 pounds came from years of vowing that 'tomorrow' I start, right after our anniversary or after such and such trip.
Shortly after I met my lifetime goal at weight watchers I went on vacation and I gained some weight. I struggled for a while trying to fight that weight back off but eventually settled into a weight that was about 20-30 pounds over lifetime. I hated it! But I maintained that weight for years. I was active during that period. VERY active. I was running 12-20 miles a week, going to zumba at least 3 times a week and when I met Jason I added miles of hiking and biking onto my activity each week. I switched jobs and I found it difficult to find time to run as the commute ate up that time. But we were still active so all was well....and I maintained that weight. Then Covid hit and I gained my covid-19.....yes I gained about 19 pounds in the first few months. Life was more sedentary I guess. The final nail on the coffin was when we bought our house and somehow our life adjusted and we not longer went for long bike rides and long hikes. I gained another 20 pounds. This last year has been difficult with a myriad of changes. Chalk up another 20 pounds of weight gain. And there you go......almost 100 pounds gained. (In about 15 years).
The gain is not because I gave up. I NEVER gave up. Seriously, I have posted on here tons over those 15 years! I even had a youtube channel where I posted about my weight loss journey (which I have not deleted but I have mostly abandoned.......due to time constraints and yes my failure to actually lose weight). I have wanted to lose weight each and every day. Yet I continued to gain.
It has to stop. I am struggling with movement and mobility...which scares the living snot out of me! When I was this weight the first time I was in my 20's and 30's and I was still active. This time I am much older and it's not pretty. I'm freaked out. Yet I think about making changes and vow that tomorrow I will start. But tomorrow never comes.
It's dire. I always wondered how someone could let themselves go so far that they have to ride in a motorized scooter. How could they slip so far that they get to the point of full immobility? And I am happy to say that I am not there.....YET. But I can see changes that indicate that I am spiraling toward that eventuality. I struggle to get down on one knee and back up. Getting up from a low chair is painful. Those two things may seem minor and even excusable by saying "well I do have arthritis in my knees".....but they herald a future that I don't want. How did I get here....by saying "tomorrow I will get back on track".
Tomorrow is here. It's do or die. Which may sound dramatic, but is it really dramatic or is it the truth? I'm not making vows of what I am going to do. I'm not making elaborate plans of exercising such and such times a week or eating a calorie deficit of this amount or that amount. Right now I am just going to focus on making healthier choices.......saying no to the cookie at work, the trip to Dairy Queen on the weekend, the extra serving at dinner. Elaborate plans are only so good if you have the willpower to back them up....and right now my will power has been lacking.......and that I guess is what I will be working on, bolstering my will power!
