Somehow and Someway

​Somehow and someway I did it!  

Last week was a total struggle!  I let the stress get to me and my Saturday was an absolutely disaster!  I didn’t let the total disaster spread through the whole week, but I totally struggled with getting back to being totally on plan!    I was within my points/calories the rest of the week but my choices were just…lacking!

So I was so afraid to step on the scales on  Friday. Some ask me how but I managed a maintain!  I’ll take it!

On Saturday I woke up and I the shower I was all strong. I was saying things like ‘yeah, I’ve got this.  Today is going to be a strong Saturday.  No breaking my fast early.  No fast food.   No crazy high caloric dinner.  In fact, I don’t even need dessert tonight!  I was so stinkin’ strong it was ridiculous!

I actually had a brief moment of coming on here and making my declaration!  But I didn’t …obviously!   I left the house to head to my mom’s.    I’m telling you…I was so super strong!    

That strength lasted maybe a mile.  I didn’t make it past the first tempting place!  I stopped at the first place that served breakfast….a convenience store!  (Sheetz if you are in the mid Atlantic region and know which store broke my willpower…..and honestly they have pretty tasty breakfast sandwiches that are made to order).  

I’m embarrassed to say that my Saturday was the exact same as the week before.  We even went back and had the exact same stinkin’ dinner!  (Which was also tasty!). Why do I do this to myself?????

More maintaining

I am still maintaining.  I would love to say that I’m losing, but it is a maintain. 

It’s frustrating.

I sometimes feel like a failure for not losing.

I know I know.  I can’t let these feelings overtake me.  I can’t let my frustration overwhelm me because if I do, it will derail me.   I know that I’m still here so this is not a failure.  

We have continued to walk after I get off work each day.  However, I have been super busy on my breaks from work and have not started the bike rides.   I have also been trying to really rest to let the heel (plantar fasciitis) heal.   There is a reason for the crazy busy and the drive to heal as fast as possible but I’m not going to get to that in this post!

I have seemingly developed a nasty case of poison.  Both legs have some spots...knees down.  (The left leg near my ankle is the worst...it’s oozing and just nasty!).   And I have also developed a spot on my neck.  How fun....not!

My eating.  I’ve been actually pretty good with this.  Have I been perfect?  Well of course not.  Have I restricted and pulled my numbers down to where I should be?  Absolutely.  (and that is why I’m frustrated because I should be dropping weight!) 

You can see on this graph that my eating hasn’t been bad! 

I’m not letting it deter me though.   I am making healthier choices.

Weigh in....or not

How did I fail to write my weekly weigh in blog and get it posted when I needed it to be posted?   Apparently I forgot Friday’s post also!  But no fears, I have some stuff floating around in my head for the post that I didn’t write...it will get out here eventually!!!

Let me not beat around the bush.  I maintained last week!   I didn’t lose.  But even more importantly, I didn’t gain!  That maintain is HUGE!   Why? I have been on a gaining spiral since our world went topsy turvy!    So stopping that bad spiral is a huge victory!!!

Even more?  I had a huge non scale victory!  You see, we took our first mountain bike ride!  And while I didn’t actually ‘nail it’, I didn’t die!   I also didn’t cry! And yes I have cried on the trail on more than one occasion!  I also did not have to stop on any incline!  I pedaled my way through the trails that we hit without letting up!  Sure, I was slow....but I did it!

We even got in a hike and a lot of walks throughout the week!

A victory like that bike ride was and is huge for me!  I needed to see a little success!  I needed something in this weight loss journey to be positive.   I won’t say it was the kick in the butt that I needed, but it was much needed to take away that huge feeling of failure that I had been dealing with!

So that is where I am at.  I’m still struggling a bit with my eating.  But I’m still here and not giving up.  I have my good moments and I have my bad moments...food is just my addiction and it’s...well it’s hard!   But I’m working on it!  That in itself is a victory!!!

Holding steady: sometimes a day or two of maintaining is good

Another week before us.......

We had a quiet weekend.  We ran a few errands but mostly just relaxed at home.  We just felt sluggish all weekend, lacking energy.   Of course maybe the weather had something to do with it (we are always more sluggish as we recover from the long work week...but this was worse!). We didn’t feel bad, we just felt lazy.   On Saturday it was overcast and rainy!  Sunday was just cold and blustery.   Good days to stay inside!

My weekend low weight was nice.  8/10ths of a pound down.  I’ll take that.   Predictably, this morning my weight was up a bit.  I’m not going to stress about it....I’m still within the three pound range that i am ok with fluctuating in.   I know that I had a lot more sodium laden foods this weekend.  I also know my water consumption was way down so I know that has played a part.  (Maybe just a wee part, but it has its part!).   My food wasn’t perfect, higher on the weekends then weekdays.   And I’m ok with that.  I tracked it and THAT is my main goal!!!

I am rolling into the week and my goal is STILL to continue tracking every bite.  But this week I am going to continue to work on eliminating the snacks!  That after work snack gets me, and I don’t need it.  I’m perfectly fine without.    

So that’s my weekend recap! It wasn’t bad in terms of my health, more of a maintain effort!   I’ve been thinking about some things about self worth and taking care of ourselves.   Hopefully I can get that into words for a post soon!   But right now, it’s time to head into work!

This is it!

Why oh why does December pose such problems for weight loss?  It’s just not right!!!!    I’m not throwing in the towel and saying ‘January is when I start’.  No!  I’m trying now...two weeks is a long time and I CAN make changes between now and then.  I can take small  steps and find skills that I can refine and build into a habit!!  Even if I don’t lose a pound because of crazy Christmas functions, I can at least set myself up for success so that when holiday functions are over I will be ready to rock this weight loss thing!

Why is it so hard?  December is birthday month in my family.  Now as I get older it’s not that big of a thing to navigate...but since my birthday is one of the ‘holidays’ it is hard to ignore!  And I failed on my yearly cookie gift from my mom!   Ohhh they are so delicious...and if she had more for me this week I would be eating them this week also...maybe a bit slower though, since it would not be such a once a year treat that I gobble up!    Why else?  Holiday functions. Work/site wide dessert day is on Wednesday.  My specific team is having a pot luck meal on Thursday.  On Saturday...another function.  Christmas Eve...Christmas Day.....food food food everywhere!

So what am I planning to get myself in line?

In terms of eating,  I will not be partaking in the desserts on Wednesday for the work site dessert fest!   I usually do ok at potlucks at work so I’m not too concerned about Thursday...a pot luck  is ONE time when having a tendency to closet eat  hide my eating) comes in handy!!  

I will also be utilizing the same challenge that I gave myself at thanksgiving.  It was successful...if not for weight loss...at least for maintaining!!!  The challenge is easy.   Exercise the day of the holiday....only one plate...no second helpings....no nibbling on food while cooking...only food on the single serving plate!   The original challenge that I copied also had the added item of ‘picture of your food’.  That one did nothing for me and actually just didn’t work for me ...so I am ditching that one this go-round!

My goal for my eating through the next week until Christmas is over is to control my eating.  To NEVER feel that stuffed sick feeling that I get when I overindulge!!   If I don’t lose weight...that’s ok.  I just want to be in control!!!!

My next big change is to recommence with tracking my food!  I’ve been really really bad of late!  Tracking for me is important... vitally important.  I tend to lose control easier when I’m not tracking.    So I will track in the next weeks.   As best I can for this holiday food events...but religiously for everything else!   I will rebuild this habit!!   Once again, I’m not looking for any certain caloric count right now or anything.  I am just tracking!

This is definitely one of the hardest things I’ve ever attempted to do....losing weight is not for the feeble minded!  It takes work, persistence, ongoing motivation and desire.   It’s difficult!   I am stepping back ...I’m out of control.  So it’s time to work on this small skills that I will use for success!  I’ve done it before.  I can do it again!

Not giving up

I feel like I am spinning my wheels and getting nowhere!   My weight is not moving.  My best intentions for exercise and activity don’t pan out. I’m just spinning and twisting aimlessly in the wind!

Let’s start with exercise.  We decided and vowed to get back to our after work bike rides this week.  Starting Monday.   It’s Wednesday and we haven’t done it yet!  Why?   Well it’s a valid excuse...it’s been raining constantly for days....again!   I vowed to get serious about walking on my breaks and lunch again.   And I haven’t.  Why?  It’s raining!  But then again I said I could walk in the parking garage.  Why haven’t I?   Well a comedy of happenings....one day the sole of my shoe came loose and was only hanging on by a thread...so walking was loud and a bit dangerous as that sold flapped around. So stuff like that.   I had a thought the other day that I need to just wake up early and ride the bike trainer.  I vowed to do it on Tuesday...and forgot to set my alarm.   Tuesday night I remembered but the thought of waking up earlier (I was so tired) ...wellbit didn’t happen!!!

My eating is spot on!   I’m holding my calories right around 1200-1300 calories.   I’ve added in some protein at lunch as recommended by a friend.   My weight just sits within the same 3-4 pound range that I’ve been sitting at for the last almost two months!  

I know I’m on the right path.   My relationship with food and the aspect of learning to live with food and not let it rule me is my goal right now.   I don’t want to sit back and always eat bad but I also know that I need some indulgence in my life.   A healthy relationship is my goal.    I know my weight will catch up with my slow and steady efforts.   But until then...well I just have to keep my chin up!

Pulled from the Ashes

I'm going to start with a little story today.

A few months ago, I was looking through some bins of my craft items.  Now I love crafts.  I dabble with this and I play with that.  I switch it up frequently.   I get bored with something and I move on.  Eventually I go full circle and get back to the original craft.   So I have bins of craft items.  As I was looking through the bins I stumbled across my cross stitch bin.  I was appalled to realize that I had not one, not two but 9 unfinished cross stitch projects hanging over my head.  I vowed that I was going to tie up these loose strings and finish my unfinished projects around the house.  I decided to tackle the cross stitch first.  Maybe quilts will be next...who knows.  :-)     The first cross stitch took me about 2 months to complete.  That's two months of working night (at home while watching tv) and day (I'm lucky enough that I can do small projects like cross stitch in between our few and far between customers).  It is the picture that is embedded in this paragraph...sorry for the glare on the glass.    The second took a few weeks (smaller and closer to completion than the first one).  The third one was really simple (just back stitching left) and I finished that really quickly.  And then I tackled the Thomas Kincade cross stitch that I had started 10-15 years early.  I started.  I was rolling along.  I was doing it and THEN I realized that I must have put it down 10-15 years ago because of some COLOSSAL mistakes.  My edges didn't line up, my house would be lopsided, and we won't even mention the flowers.  eiii yiii yii......  Oh it was bad!  I was tempted to throw it down in despair.  This thing was messed up with a capital MESSED UP.  I didn't quit though.  I took out some stitches on the edge.  I mentally told myself add one stitch when you get to this point in the project and to deduct a stitch when you get to that point. Do such and such when you get to that spot.  It was a headache.  It was a chore for me to even pull it out and work on it some days.  I wanted to scream and cry and gnash my teeth with frustration.  But I persevered.  I pulled this from the ashes and made something out of it! It is done and honestly, to the naked eye, it looks pretty darn good. 

As I neared the completion of this headache inducing cross stitch I started to think about the unfinished aspect of my life.  I am unfinished.  I need to FINISH this process of losing weight and settle into the 'new me'.  I am an unfinished project.  Even more revealing to me as I thought about the unfinished prospect was that I realized that I have been unfinished for so many years because I would make a 'collassal' mistake and that would make me throw up my hands and quit.  Still not following me?   I am doing good for a day or two and then holy of holies we go out to eat and I lose control and order the fattiest greasiest meal and follow it up with a large dessert.  Or I binge on chips and ice cream.  I make a bad decision.  What is my natural tendency??   I quit because I made a mistake instead of stepping back and figuring out how to move forward.

Just like the messed up Thomas Kincade cross stitch project.  I am not throwing unfinished projects aside anymore. I will make mistakes in my cross stitch and other crafts, just like I will in my everyday life and in particular my healthy lifestyle.  But just like this cross stitch proved to me.....mistakes can be rectified with a little patience and juggling.  Some mistakes I could easily correct.  Some I had to substitute and some I just had to learn to live with.  But just like my life...the end result is phenomenal.



Even with all the mistakes that I had to correct.  Even with all the mistakes that I had to learn to live with.   Even with the headaches and the frustration....I'd say that it turned out pretty darn good (sorry less then stellar picture.... I literally snapped the picture seconds after I finished the last stitch)






I had decided to weigh myself this morning, even though it's not my normal weigh in day.  Why?   Well it's the beginning of a new month!  I did.  I remain exactly the same as I weighed on Monday.  WOO HOO I maintained my weight this week. I refuse to be upset about not losing!!!!   I didn't waver in my determination.  I didn't eat food that I shouldn't have eaten.  I didn't skip exercise.  I did what was right. Should I have lost.  Yes.    Guess what??? The scales didn't show my efforts today.  Who the heck cares?   The scales WILL eventually show my efforts.  The pounds eventually will fall off.  I'm doing what is right.  That said, I woke up thirsty which is a sign that I am dehydrated...and usually that bodes ill for a weigh in for me.....plus TOM is knocking on my door...I wish I could tell the monthly ick that I'm not interested and it can go away...but that's not the way of life.   This is life...and results don't always directly match up with efforts every single time you check.  They will eventually though.

WHAT!?!?!?!?!?!?

What in the world is it going to take to shake my body from this weight. Yesterday I worked out HARD! I ate right. I did it all correct. So why was I up another half of pound this morning on the scales??????? I have a friend that suggested that maybe I'm not eating enough.....I've tried adding in a few extra points (eating some of my activity points)...that doesn't work at all. Honestly, the only time I'm able to lose weight is when I cut my points down by another point or two and that is only for a week or two...and then the weight comes right back. And I sure as heck can not eat any flex points I discovered long ago that if I eat my flex points, I either maintain or gain! What is it with me? WHY WHY WHY!

I guess I'm even more frustrated because I need to get to a meeting in order to get processed as a lifetime member. Today I'm right on the cusp of my weight range...AGAIN. So quite honestly, I'm not going. I'm hoping that my weight drops some later this week and I can get that processed sometime this week. I'm just so frustrated that I can scream!

Looking back....I've been within 5 pounds of my current weight since last NOVEMBER! I am fast approaching one year of this stupid plateau! Come on now! I will readily admit that there was a few weeks here and there where I just put away the journal and didn't keep track of what I'd eaten. But for 99.9% of the time I've kept meticulous records. I've had people look at my journal........I'm eating correctly. I've had people suggest to eat more or less points....Nope...that has no effect. Kick up the exercise????? No budging! I'm not eating horribly. This last week...last Thursday I did have a Jr cheeseburger at the amusement park...with apple slices. That was my splurge! We did go out to eat that night and i had a bite of dessert. But my points were not terribly out of whack...and the rest of the week I've been totally on point! I've had people recommend me go to the doctor because maybe my thyroid or some other internal organ/system has gotten out of whack with all this weight loss. I went...I've had the blood tests....everything is fine. What more can I do? I mean, I know to continue doing what I'm doing. I've been told enough that if I continue it will just 'pop loose' and the weight will drop off! But a year of 'just continue doing what you are doing,"????

Can I go have a cry now????